Latest ‘Modern Family’ Quotes Page 1 of 25

Quote from Dylan in A Year of Birthdays

Dylan: Hey, everybody.
Gloria: [gasps] Ay, where are the babies? I want to see them.
Dylan: There's no easy way to say this. Mitch and Cam have a whole thing they want to do.
Jay: Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.

Quote from Phil in A Year of Birthdays

Manny: Hey, how was your recital, Phil?
Haley: Oh, I messed it all up for him. Sorry about that, Dad. I-I know that was your big goal for the year.
Phil: I have a better one now. Mi ano fue hermoso.
Claire: Mm.
Phil: My year was beautiful.
Gloria: "Año" means "year." "Ano" means "anus."
Phil: Still works.

Quote from Jay in A Year of Birthdays

Jay: Phil, this is for you. It's a little early birthday present. And I admit, this one is a re-gift.
Phil: "World's Best Grandfather." It's the mug I gave you when Haley was born. You kept it all these years.
Jay: Yeah. But, uh... it's yours now. I don't need it anymore. I got a new title.
Alex: "Great grandma"?
Jay: Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one. Here.
Gloria: I'm going to count to three.
Jay: Yeah.

Quote from Claire in A Year of Birthdays

Manny: Oh, what are their names?
Claire: We're gonna put a pin in that until the drugs wear off. Nobody needs grandchildren named Pixar and Coachella.
Haley: Ooh.

Quote from Haley in A Year of Birthdays

Jay: Is this the Dunphy suite?
Gloria: Oh, how's the mommy?
Claire: Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go.
Jay: How you doing, kiddo?
Luke: A little tired. I overdid it last night.
Phil: [chuckling] I don't think he was talking to you, buddy. It's overwhelming. Just feeling so many different emotions.
Haley: I'm also doing great. I have a son and a daughter, and once they washed them off, they were really cute.

Quote from Dylan in A Year of Birthdays

Dylan: Haley's fine. She was so brave. And the babies are great!
Gloria: I can't wait to see them!
Dylan: As soon as they're done getting checked out. I'm gonna go get them now.
Gloria: Wait, wait. What about the sex?
Dylan: Doctor says not for six weeks.

Quote from Dylan in A Year of Birthdays

Jay: Dylan!
Gloria: Is everything okay?
Dylan: [sighs] No. Everything's amazing.
Manny: Why would you say it that way?

Quote from Alex in A Year of Birthdays

Alex: [aside to camera] Haley and I have had this plan for years that when I turn , we'd hit the bars together. But since she's pregnant, I was drinking for two. Technically, four.

Quote from Jay in A Year of Birthdays

Manny: I still can't believe Sherry said no and broke up with me.
Jay: [whispering] What does he expect? He's 20 years old. He proposed in front of his family at a pretend restaurant.

Quote from Dylan in A Year of Birthdays

Dylan: The banjo scares me ever since I saw that creepy film. Wait. What was it called, again?
Jay: "Deliverance"?
Dylan: No... "The Muppet Movie." [shudders]

Quote from Gloria in A Year of Birthdays

Gloria: Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry? [as Uncle Grumpy] Because the President wants to build a wall!
[normal] Ay, yeah, that is very sad. [Uncle Grumpy] Sad for me, because I have no money and I am ugly. For you, he would let you in because you have money and you have the boobs. [;aughter]
Alex: I never thought Uncle Grumpy would go political.

Quote from Joe in A Year of Birthdays

[aside to camera:]
Joe: Manny and I share a birthday, so I always do something big to get attention.
[flashback:]
Joe: Look! No hands!
Jay: Way to go, kid!
Gloria: Bravo, papi!
Phil: Hey, guys! Check it out. Unicycling to my piano lesson.
Gloria: Wow! We're so proud of you!
Jay: Now, that's impressive.
Phil: Happy birthday, Joe!
Joe: It was! [throws helmet]

Quote from Claire in A Year of Birthdays

Claire: What is this?
Haley: It's an aromatherapy machine. See, you put in oils that are supposed to help you with the stress of the day.
Claire: Oh! Alright, well, let's see. So far, I have gotten a spa day, three massages, a meditation class, an ocean pillow, a rage bat, and a little machine that's supposed to trick my nose into calming me down. Why does everyone think I'm so tense?
Phil: You bit through your night guard.
Joe: You're squeezing me too hard.
Alex: And last week, you made the pharmacist cry.
Claire: That's because he wouldn't sell me any more Sudafed. The entire family was sick. I was not cooking meth.

Quote from Dylan in A Year of Birthdays

Dylan: Here, Mrs. Dunphy. This is from me and Haley.
Claire: Mm, thank you, Dylan. Although I have to say, you have given me enough gifts this year already.
Dylan: Again, I'm very sorry about impregnating your daughter.

Quote from Manny in A Year of Birthdays

Jay: This is from me and th eboys. Gloria got you her own gift.
Claire: Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!
Manny: I did that. It's a lost art in this modern age where people simply click and ship gifts over the Internet.
Gloria: Papi, just be normal.