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‘Fulgencio’ Quotes

Modern Family: Fulgencio

413. Fulgencio

Aired January 23, 2013

Following the birth of Gloria and Jay's child, her mother Pilar and sister Sonia visit from Colombia. Meanwhile, Phil tries to take care of the kids' problems with kindness, in contrast to Claire's way, while Mitchell and Cameron worry about Lily's manners.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] I accidentally called my teacher "mommy." My "friend" Reuben went around and told everyone. "Oh, hey, Reuben, do you remember that class field trip to the zoo when the zebra rushed the fence and you peed your pants?" I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home when he had to sit next to mom-- Ms. Bockman! Damn it!

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Quote from Sonia

Sonia: [holding laundry basket] Where is the river?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, kids. How was your day?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I knew the answer to that question. I'd had kind of a busy day going around solving everyone's problems. I started by going to see my buddy Stavros the florist. That's when I realized my kids didn't understand the concept of killing with kindness because they'd never seen it. So I decided I'd prove it to them by going on a huggacidal rampage.

Quote from Sonia

Gloria: Sonia, can I help you?
Pilar: No, no, she's fine. It keeps her busy.
Sonia: We need more corn. Gloria, where is your garden? I will harvest some.
Pilar: They don't live that way, honey. Gloria, give me the keys. We'll go to the market.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [on the phone] So I got delayed picking up Lily from dance class. Now Gloria's got me running around doing a thousand things for christening.
Phil: Son of a bitch.
Claire: It's not that bad, really. I'm just- I'm venting.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I couldn't believe it. Somebody's balloons were blocking my billboard. Philboard. My philboard.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Our neighbor's out of town, and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days. Now I would just park it in her driveway, but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there. Pretty sure she's a lesbian. Anyway, easy money, right? How do I tell her I snapped a branch on her beloved lemon tree? I mean, she boils the leaves to add a scent to her own work boot oil. Did I mention she plays in two softball leagues?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: She likes to keep busy. But I feel bad for her. I have so much, and she has nothing.
Claire: Okay. Well, people make their own choices. It's not like you're responsible.
Gloria: No, no. Maybe just a little bit. I was older and I had opportunities to travel, and I took them.
Claire: Well, it didn't prevent her from going anywhere.
Gloria: No, no. Maybe just one time. There was a letter that arrived from America about a job opportunity. And it was only for one person, and I went.
Claire: But it's not like the envelope was addressed to her, and you opened it and... You're evil.
Gloria: I had to get out of there, Claire.
Claire: You just strapped on those high heels and walked right over her back, didn't you?
Gloria: Maybe a little bit.

Quote from Sonia

Sonia: Jay, if anything should happen to Gloria, I am there for you.
Gloria: What, Sonia? What's going to happen to me?
Sonia: You might go for a walk in your closet one day and never come back!

Quote from Phil

[as Luke carries out Phil's orders:]
Priest: Phil and Claire, as godparents, are you ready to help the parents of this child in their duties?
Both: We are.
Priest: Do you renounce Satan?
Phil: I do renounce him.
Claire: I do renounce him.
Priest: And all his works?
Phil: I do renounce them.
Priest: And all his empty promises?
Phil: I do renounce them.
Priest: Godfather, is it your wish that this child be baptized?
Phil: It is.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I really never saw this wedding pictures, mama. How handsome and young papa looks.
Pilar: Ay, it makes me sad.
Gloria: Ay, I know that you miss him.
Pilar: No. Look at my ass. There are two things in that picture I don't have anymore.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, you're all awake. I didn't hear you.
Pilar: Oh, look at my two handsome men. Mi niño, Fulgencio Umberto.
Jay: You know, about the name, we're not entirely sure-
Pilar: Sonia, vámonos. Good-bye, Fulgencio. Say good-bye to Fulgencio.
Sonia: Good-bye, Fulgencio.
Jay: His name is Joe.
Gloria: You tell her that we're not naming him after her dead husband or his father before him. His name was-
Jay: Please don't say it again.
Gloria: Jay, I cannot go against my mother's will. But she likes you. Maybe if you convince her.
Jay: Fulgencio Umberto, the initials are F.U. Pritchett. Which is exactly the way it feels right now.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. She has been so snarky lately.
Mitchell: I know. I've actually been getting nervous when we're making her late for something.
Cameron: Because of what she said the other day?
Mitchell: "Today, ladies."
Cameron: Hurtful.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] I'm having a '60s-themed birthday party next week. Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye. Karen Sullivan heard about it, and decided to have the same party tonight. Not groovy.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: [horns honking] Oh, my God, I can't see anything!
Luke: Hard starboard!
Haley: What does that even mean?!
Man: Move your car!
Dylan: How much longer do I have to block people? I'm late for the airport.
Haley: Dylan, you are being no help right now!
Dylan: Sorry, but I'm already in trouble with dispatch for drinking all those little waters.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs? Quiddiculous! Hey, listen, buddy, I heard about Luke calling his teacher "mommy." Epic fail, by the way. But, you know, since you're one of the cool kids, maybe you could get the other ones to ease off a little? Cool. Air bump.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy from down the street. We haven't met. I was actually calling to leave a message for your wife, just to say thanks for hiring my daughter Haley. Listen, we'd love to have you and the missus over for a glass of wine, or- Or, uh, maybe you and I could go out for a boys' night. But anyway, if you could- Damn it!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! One at a time!
Haley: You called Ms. Cooper a man!
Phil: No, I didn't. I got her husband Lee on the machine.
Haley: There is no husband! She's Lee! Weirdly deep-voiced, alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper who you invited out for a glass of wine!
Alex: Thanks to your little charm offensive with Karen, one thing did change about her party, I'm not invited!
Luke: "Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"? Now the whole school is just laughing at both of us.

Quote from Sonia

Gloria: I want you to wear something beautiful tonight. So please, choose.
Sonia: What is this room?
Gloria: This is the closet.
Sonia: So all the people of the town, they leave their nice clothes with you?
Gloria: No. These are all my clothes. But I do miss the simple things at home.

Quote from Sonia

Gloria: How are things in the village?
Sonia: We had a flood.
Gloria: Ay, but it- It wasn't a bad one, right?
Sonia: We had a boat.
Gloria: Ay, that's great.
Sonia: We had a boat.

Quote from Sonia

Gloria: Are you dating anyone?
Sonia: You remember Antonio Marquez?
Gloria: Yes, of course. The most handsome boy in the school with those beautiful eyes.
Sonia: His father with the wooden leg... He lost it in the flood.
Gloria: So is it serious?

Quote from Sonia

Jay: I'd like to tell you the story of how I came to meet my incredible wife, because up until the birth of this child, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Claire: Mm, that feels good huh?
Jay: So it's morning. My car's getting waxed. I hop in the diner. I hear this adorable accent. I turn. I see this pretty girl talking to her friend. I send over a piece of pie.
Phil: All class.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Jay: Couple of minutes later, who comes over to thank me but Gloria, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Phil: Amen.
Jay: She sits down, we start talking, and we haven't stopped talking since. But here's the crazy part. I didn't send the pie to Gloria. Her back was to me. I sent it to her friend, who went to the bathroom and missed it. And that person is here today, Gloria's sister Sonia.
Phil: Isn't it funny how a simple twist of fate can change the whole-
Sonia: You stole my life! [attacking Gloria]

Quote from Phil

Claire: Where is Luke?
Phil: I think he's the one standing next to Matthew.
Claire: Phil.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay! That's it! We're in a House of God, damn it.

Quote from Sonia

Gloria: Sonia, please, let us do this for you. I really want you to be happy. Can you forgive me?
Sonia: It will take some time.
Gloria: As much as you need.
Sonia: And some dresses.
Gloria: As many as you want.
Sonia: And some shoes.
Gloria: You're angry now.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Whatever happened with the kids, I don't want you to feel bad about it.
Phil: I don't.
Priest: I now invite the godfather and the godmother to join us.
Claire: Don't worry. I will take care of everything tomorrow.
Phil: That may not be necessary, my wife.

Quote from Jay

Priest: In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, what name have you given the child?
Jay: Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.
Priest: May God be with you all.
Gloria: Thank you, Jay.
Jay: We're never gonna call him that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: So I heard that somebody released a bunch of rats into Karen Sullivan's party the other night. And Lee Cooper's camper just rolled into her lemon tree. Luke isn't having any problem at school anymore, because Reuben admitted he made the whole thing up. Isn't that crazy, how all our of kids' problems just disappeared?
Phil: Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire.
Claire: What are you talking about?
Phil: Don't ask me about my business.
Claire: I wasn't.
Phil: Good. Don't.
[Luke closes the door on Clair]


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