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‘Legacy’ Quotes

Modern Family: Legacy

1111. Legacy

Aired January 15, 2020

Phil pays a visit to his dad to make sure he is ok after hearing some concerning news about him. Meanwhile, Jay gives Claire and Mitch a bunch of their old childhood memorabilia that triggers them to reevaluate a long-held story about their first family vacation.

Quote from Frank

Frank: You know, your mother and I came here every Sunday for 44 years.
Phil: You miss her, don't you?
Frank: It comes and goes. Fourth of July is rough.
Phil: Really? I didn't realize she was so patriotic.
Frank: Well, it's that hot dog eating contest they have on TV. You know, I always thought that your mother could have been a competitive eater. No food ever expired in our house. She'd see that last day pop up on a pound of bacon or a gallon of milk, and down it went. It was personal for her.

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Quote from Frank

Phil: So, Dad, I, uh, I w... I wanted to ask you...
Frank: Oh, boy. No serious talk, okay? Yes, I'm taking all my million pills. You can come over and press my stomach. I'm starting to feel like a bean bag chair.

Quote from Frank

Phil: This takes me to my next question. Um... did you and Mom ever... ever want a-a-another child?
Frank: Well, I suppose all parents wonder how things would have changed if they had a different child.
Phil: I-I didn't... didn't mean a different one. I-I mean an additional one.
Frank: Why do you ask?
Phil: Well, 'cause if you'd had another kid, maybe... maybe he'd have taken over the business and... and you wouldn't have had to sell. I always... I always felt kind of bad that I didn't.
Frank: The answer is no, Phil. Never. Because... Well, you did take over the family business, didn't you? Keeping life light, making it fun for everybody.
Phil: I learned from the best.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] When I was growing up, he was the cool dad. He was hip. He knew all the dances from "Grease." He knew all the expressions. BFF... best friends forever. TMI... too much information. BJ... blue jeans. It makes me feel lucky. We didn't do much that day, but... it might have been one of the... the best days I ever had with my dad. I just didn't know it would be the last.

Quote from Phil

Phil: My dad was okay. And my takeaway from our day... Don't miss a chance to let the people you appreciate... know that. The hard part has been, um, figuring out a way to pay tribute to my dad, but something came to me in the garage today. I think he would have liked it. He left some big footprints, my old man.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Speaking of food, y-you ever head over to your old grocery store?
Frank: Hey, listen. Do you remember that?
Phil: Oh, yeah. Penguinsquatch.
Frank: Put this town on the map.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: June 1977. Teen revelers report massive bird footprints emerging from Lake Okeechobee. A crowd gathers, but the new tide has covered the so-called bird prints, and the teens are beaten soundly. Tracks reappear several days later, and once again, word spreads through town. An ornithologist deems the prints those of a gigantic penguin, some 15 feet in height. People come from miles around to catch a glimpse of the wondrous waddler. The tracks will appear on and off for years and then disappear forever, but not before Olympic gold medalist Mary Lou Retton makes the trek to place her tiny footprints inside those of the be-flippered colossus.
[back:]
Phil: Didn't we take a picnic over there a few nights?
Frank: Everyone did. It's the first time I ever saw your mother eat a bag of apples.

Quote from Jay

Joe: Ooh, can I get that dog? I'll do 50 hours of chores. No, a hundred.
Jay: Whoa. Sales lesson number one... never look desperate in a negotiation. No emotion. Think of your cousin Lily.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey. We... Are... Are you all about to be my new neighbor? Hope you like to party. My name's Fred. They call me Peeper because... Well, that doesn't matter. Oh, you... look, it's chocolate chip cookies! Kids, get in here! Get yourself some supper! These are my blessings. Do I like ethnic women? Guilty. Do you like farm-fresh eggs?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I sold my very first house and destroyed my swooper.
Cameron: Of course, the only way you can destroy a real swooper is to stab its reflection during the Harvest Moon.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So, all this childhood memorabilia came to me after your mother died... diaries, photo albums, adorable drawings. So, enjoy your stroll down memory lane, but know that at the end of that lane is a dumpster.
Mitchell: Okay. You have a painting upstairs by William "The Refrigerator" Perry, but there's no room for my baby teeth?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I needed to free up some space in the garage.
Gloria: Because it's not a garage anymore. It's a warehouse full of dog beds that nobody wants to buy.
Jay: It's been a slow period, but it should pick up next quarter.
Gloria: What? When all the dogs get back their income tax refunds and they want to go splurge on beds for themselves?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Come here, kid.
Joe: I was literally about to gnaw my own arm off to get free.
Jay: With those things? I still have the tooth you lost in a marshmallow.
Mitchell: Okay, so, that one you kept?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Guys, I just saw a ghost.
Cameron: Okay, girls, grab your things. We're gone.
Manny: N-Not a real ghost. More like a vision from my past. Brenda Feldman.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: An older girl that Manny had a crush on. He even wrote a poem for her when he was little.
[back:]
Manny: I gave her my heart, she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.

Quote from Lily

Manny: Today was my second chance, but I couldn't even get up the nerve to say "hi." 11-year-old Manny would be disgusted by me.
Lily: Well, now you know how 12-year-old Lily feels.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Well, looks like my first house sale is going to fall through.
Cameron: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. You know what? ut things will turn around. Do not turn around. Okay, that's Debra Knox. She stole my Educator of the Year Award.
Gloria: A swooper?!
Cameron: A swooper! Lily, grab your things.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, no, no. Not a smoke demon that terrorizes farm children.
Cameron: Oh.
Gloria: It's a person that takes things that are supposed to be yours. I have one of my own.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Last week, I left some dog beds here, so now the owners are probably getting swamped with requests.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: The other day, I found out that Joe saved up six months of allowance and donated it all to charity. It's one of those rare moments as a dad when you realize you've really dropped the ball. I mean, the kid needed to learn the basics of business.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Look, it drives me nuts, too, that Dad never cops to his mistakes, but it's always gonna be our word against his.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Claire: Why did you cut the necks out of all these sweatshirts?
Mitchell: Oh, I was a big "Flashdance" fan.
Claire: How you survived the golden age of bullying, I will never understand.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We are sitting on a treasure trove of evidence than could prove Dad cut our vacation short, okay? I mean, you realize that building cases against society's worst criminals is what I do.
Claire: How's that case against the deaf old lady who sells bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside Laker games going?
Mitchell: She was warned three times.

Quote from Frank

Phil: See, you should point this thing west and, uh, come meet your great-grandbabies.
Frank: Uh, this spring, I think. I want to pose them to re-create famous photos from history. I've got all the outfits, uh, to re-create the VJ-Day kiss, but I still need the fedora to pull off Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald.
Phil: Careful.
Frank: Well, obviously, the gun won't be loaded.
Phil: No, no, no. There's a pothole.

Quote from Phil

Frank: Oh, geez. I bet we blew a tire.
Phil: Fortunately, one local inventor has been hard at work on the Presto-Jack TM, a pneumatic device that both lifts a car and powers a drill to change lug nuts. I don't suppose...
Frank: Yep. In the trunk.
Phil: Yes! We can finally test it out!

Quote from Frank

Phil: You ready to launch?
Frank: Let's do it.
Phil: Steady as she goes, and she's up! It's working! You did it! It's... Why is it still going?
Frank: How hard did you press start?
Phil: Well, that shouldn't matter!
Frank: Well, just press "end task."
Phil: Okay.
Frank: But only on the right side of the button.
Phil: Why wouldn't you tell me that first?! [car bounces off and flips over] Sweet maker!
Frank: Hmm. Everybody warned me this would happen.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hello, Debra.
Debra: Oh. Hi, Cam.
Cameron: You wish. I know you'll deny it, but these eyes... can see right through you.
Debra: You mean how I stole the Educator of the Year Award?
Cameron: Aha! I got you to admit it. It's a good thing I'm wearing a wire.
Debra: Let me see it.
Cameron: Damn it.
Debra: I'm gonna be the belle of the ball in this dress. Stealing this award has given me the confidence to crush everyone in my path.
[Gloria emerges from a dressing room wearing the same dress]
Gloria: Permiso.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I never even saw Gloria go into the dressing room, but there she was, like a superhero, able to destroy confidence in a single pose.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Sales lesson number two... create demand. Leave a few dog beds lying around, dogs fall in love, your phones start ringing off the hook. Go ahead. Over there. Go.
Joe: [to a couple] Wow. My dog really likes this bed. I wonder if leaving it here will create demand.
Woman: Uh, no, thank you.
Jay: [to Joe] Alright, good start. You could've been a little cuter with that.
Joe: What?!
Jay: When did you start saying "really likes"? What happened to "weawwy wikes"?
Joe: You paid a speech therapist to shame it out of me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] My dad's positive attitude versus a couple bound for a "Dateline" episode? It wasn't even a fair fight.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Alright. Final lesson... always be willing to walk away. Hey, Ron. I'm coming to you first 'cause we're old friends.
Lon: It's Lon.
Jay: Yeah. Hey, listen. It's a steep price on this one, but don't blame me. I'm pocketing less than the kids that, you know, made this thing. "The Beagle Has Landed."
Lon: Sorry, Jay, none of these are selling.
Jay: Even the ones that look like hot cakes?

Quote from Joe

Joe: Maybe a puppy will cheer you up.
Jay: I told you, not gonna happen.
Joe: You're giving up?
Jay: I can't give these things away. Forget everything I taught you today. I don't know what I'm talking about.
Joe: Hey, mister, my dad was about to give you the deal of a lifetime... 100 dog beds for a hundred bucks, so you can give one away with each new dog.
Lon: A hundred bucks, huh?
Joe: I can see you're not serious. [to the dog] Slow down that tail, buddy. This is leaving with me.
Lon: [sighs] Wait, wait. Don't walk away. Would you do 50 bucks?
Joe: Will you throw in a puppy?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I've had two late-in-life projects. One, dog beds, was a bust. The other... [Joe is sitting on the couch with his puppy] ...is looking pretty promising.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Look, we tried, right? I bought a pack of these the last night we were at that resort so I could try to look cool at some... concert that we went to. Hang on. Where was it? I... Oh-ho. Bingo. What do you see, huh?
Mitchell: Uh... um, me at the park in a hat with the name "Maddox" embroidered on it. Oh, oh, I forgot about my Maddox Pritchett phase.
Claire: God, it is a miracle that you didn't need a police escort to school every day. Not you, the marquee.
Mitchell: Uh, "Tonight and Wednesday Only... The Monkees."
Claire: Yes! And according to their website, they played the 14th and the 16th. So, if we went the first night, that means we would have left the 15th, and we would have left early.
Mitchell: Okay, wait just a second. I-I remember I was so upset that our vacation was being cut short that I cheered myself up by going to the premiere of "Flashdance," which was on... Ha! April 15th.
Claire: Yea... What is up with you and that movie?
Mitchell: She was so much more than a welder, and I was so much more than the president of Students Against TV on Weeknights.
Claire: Okay, I know you remember it this way, but how are we gonna prove it?
Mitchell: Bam! [Claire gasps] My ticket, clearly marked "Opening Night." I'm gonna say "bam" again. Bam!

Quote from Phil

Don: Hey, Frank. Afraid I was about to close up. Betsy's birthday.
Frank: Okay, we'll come back, Don.
Phil: Well, h-hang on. I'm... I'm pretty nifty with the shears. I used to... I used to cut Luke's hair, and I once trimmed a hedge in our yard into the spitting image of Doug Henning.
Frank: Sold.
Don: Just lock her up.
Phil: Thank you very much.

Quote from Frank

Phil: Hop on up there, young man.
Frank: If I'm not mistaken, you saw your first naked lady in this barbershop.
Phil: You know it.
Frank: [chuckles] Hell of a crossing guard, but when she went crazy, she didn't go halfway.
Phil: Well, that was her training.

Quote from Frank

Phil: So, Dad, um... just gonna get this over with. Uh...
Frank: Oh, boy. Is this gonna be about me going back to the grocery store?
Phil: Well, it... it just seemed a little weird. I heard you were there for hours.
Frank: The place was a mess. I mean, where is the pride? Old days, they used to deliver my oranges on Tuesdays. I could not have built a pyramid faster with 10,000 Hebrews.
Phil: So, you weren't just wandering?
Frank: It's just... I miss it, is all.

Quote from Jay

Joe: Look, they're getting along great.
Jay: That's not our worry. Your mother is. Eight years, she ignored Stella, gave her a complex. One time, I was clicking a pen. Stella threw up 'cause she thought high heels were coming.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Hola! [dog barks] What is this?
Joe: He's the grownup.
Jay: Honey, we know how you feel about...
Gloria: It's the cutest thing I've seen in my whole life! [gasps] I love you! Oh, my God! I need a selfie with my best little boy! I'll be back!
Jay: It's not your fault. [clearly to Stella] It is not your fault.


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