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‘Snapped’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Snapped

1102. Snapped

Aired October 2, 2019

Claire needs to get everyone out of the house before they make her look bad in front of a reporter from an important women's business magazine. Meanwhile, Jay invites Manny to a little wine tasting in an attempt to spend some quality time together.

Quote from Claire

Anne: Let's see, you said your daughter's doing research in Antarctica.
Claire: Yes.
Anne: Any chance we could meet the rest of the clan?
Claire: [chuckles] Um...
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Hell, no. This was for the cover of Corner Office Magazine. I mean, that's basically Vogue for female CEOs. Lately, my family has seemed more suited to a gator-farm billboard.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: All right, then, time for my lecture on geological surveys. [beatboxing]
Bob: Uh, Mr. Dunphy?
Phil: Bedrock...
Bob: I'm sorry. Should we wait for Libby? She's not back from lunch yet.
Ike: Yeah, I heard she was riding her bike and then got hit by a car. Been taken to the hospital.
Phil: What?! That's terrible. I hope she's okay.
Gloria: [filing her nails] Yes, she should be more careful.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: In the crime show I've been bingeing, 9 out of 10 female suspects casually file their nails during police questioning. Was this my fault? Did I push Gloria too far? Had she... snapped?

Quote from Luke

Phil: Sorry, I'm, uh, a little on edge. I think I've been watching too much "Snapped." Um... can I ask you something? How much do we really know about Gloria?
Luke: The exotic stranger who just popped into our lives out of nowhere? I've had my suspicions about her for years.
[flashback:]
Gloria: [British accent] I shall need the parcel to arrive at my flat by tea time. Splendid, my good man. [normal voice to Jay] The British accent gets me better service. [British accent] Tally-ho!
[present:]
Luke: Her accent was flawless.

Quote from Phil

Phil: "State's Greatest Teacher."
Libby: I was gonna get you one that said "World's Greatest," but I didn't want to look like a suck-up.
Gloria: Too late, nerd.
Phil: Mrs. Pritchett, respect the classroom. All outbursts should be couched in a fake cough.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Gloria? Hey! Um... Just out of... out of curiosity, where were you at lunch?
Gloria: I went to Panera. I had the coupon.
Phil: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And you have some way to... to... to verify that you were there? Like leftovers, or...?
Gloria: I ordered the chowder in the bread bowl. I ate every piece of it.
Phil: Corn or clam?
Gloria: Potato. What is this all about?
Phil: Nothing.
Gloria: Do you think that I had something to do with Libby getting hurt?
Phil: What?!
Gloria: How dare you, Phil.
Phil: No, Gloria, no, no, no, I... I just... I don't know the... the lunch scene around here. No. No, it's...
[As Gloria drives away, Phil notices scratches along the side of her car]
Phil: Ohh, snapped.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Alex? What... What are you doing home from Antarctica?!
Alex: [shivering] I couldn't take the cold anymore. I was so desperate, I took a Japanese fishing boat part of the way home.
Claire: Oh, honey, I'm so glad to have you home. Wow, you did not ride up front with the captain, did ya?
Alex: I would've called, but frostbite did a weird thing to my hands. They froze into permanent "hang loose" signs. People keep calling me dude.

Quote from Luke

Phil: I just Googled her, I didn't find anything.
Luke: A looker like that with no online presence? Makes you wonder what she's hiding.
Phil: You don't think she's dangerous, do you?
Luke: Everybody has a breaking point. But she's probably okay. I mean, she's not Lily. [chuckles]

Quote from Claire

Claire: Fine, I lied! I had an interview with a magazine today and I just wanted everything to be perfect!
Alex: [scoffs] Which means getting rid of us?
Haley: Sorry we're such an embarrassment.
Claire: You're right. There's no excuse for what I did. I... I mean, except that you used to make me drop you off three blocks from school. And when you had friends over, you referred to me as Helga, your Swedish nanny! And you told your entire Girl Scout troop for three years that your mother was dead! You have been embarrassed by me your whole lives. I get one day!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: [shows magazine cover] Worth it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: And I love you too much to make that same mistake.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam.
Cameron: We should return the fridge.
Mitchell: I think we have to.
Bridget: I'm sorry you are unhappy with me.
Mitchell: You... You heard that? We... We unplugged you.
Bridget: I have a backup battery. You'd know that if you read my manual.
Cameron: Are you mad?
Bridget: Don't be silly, I'm just a refrigerator. Remember?
Cameron: I think Bridget snapped.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Phil! Phil? Phil, where are you? I want to show you how Libby's hair and blood got on my car. [bushes rustling] I can hear the rustling in the bushes.
Phil: [imitates sheep bleating]
Gloria: Why would a sheep be here? [rings Phil]
Phil: [cellphone rings] Hey, you.
Gloria: You know that this whole thing with Libby is really your fault.
Phil: I know! I know! I-I pushed you too far, but it was only because I thought you were a special talent and I was just trying to pull the best out of you, but I blew it! I blew it, and you snapped.
Gloria: You thought I snapped like that crazy TV show and I ran over Libby, and that's why you're hiding in the bushes like a sheep?
Phil: Well, now it just seems like you're cherry-picking what happened today to cast me in the worst possible light.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, so, then what does the intern have to do?
Phil: Well, you'll be making my appointments, uh, you'll work the phones...
Gloria: Oh, I am great with the phones. [British accent] 'Ello, Phil Dunphy's office. Oh, let me look at his shed-yool and I will ring you back. Tally-ho.
Phil: Flawless.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, I'm back! You wouldn't believe how cheap cargo shorts are in Quebec. All our Christmas shopping is done. Gloria?
Bridget: Hello.
Jay: Hi. Did... Could you always talk?
Bridget: I'm Bridget, your new smart fridge. Can I get you anything?
Jay: No, thank you. Uh, Bridget, listen, I'm sure you're very nice and all that, but I don't need everything to be smart. I'm gonna go get a dumb Scotch, eat some dumb peanuts, sit in a dumb chair. [10 minutes later] I was a wonderful dancer, I was, but it didn't fit what my dad wanted for me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Say hello to the Revelation 3000, the most advanced smart fridge on the market.
Mitchell: Something tells me we can't afford to see Diana Ross at Pechanga anymore.
Cameron: Ooh, here's the best part. You ready? Hello, Bridget.
Bridget: Hello, how can I help?
Cameron: [chuckles] Bridget is the A.I. assistant that will help organize our groceries and our lives.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Speaking of gossip... Did you hear about Pepper and Ronaldo?
Cameron: No, what?
Mitchell: Word is, they recently invited a third party into their relationship.
Cameron: [gasps] Who is he?
Mitchell: You mean, who is she. Yeah! Yeah.
Cameron: [gasps] How?! I didn't even know they knew any women!
Mitchell: Apparently, they met her on an experimental dating site called "Let's Just See What Happens."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [to Cameron] I also have a busy day, thank you for asking.
Bridget: Busy day? Would it be helpful if I ordered some of your favorite groceries?
Mitchell: You... You can do that? Thank you... Bridget. Thank you, Bridget.
Bridget: Did I hear you say you need more pepper?
Mitchell: Oh, no, Pepper's just a friend. And if Cam wasn't in such a rush to get out of here, we'd be talking about what an insane thing he's doing. Almost as insane as talking to an appliance.
Bridget: You mentioned a third party?
Mitchell: Yeah, honestly, who just meets someone online and then invites them into their house?

Quote from Phil

Gloria: ...and then I would show the client comparable sales from the past year.
Phil: Hmm. The assignment was to present a compelling sales pitch, not bore me with endless real-estate clichés. What gives, Mrs... Mrs. Pritchett?
Gloria: Oh, I didn't... What would you...?
Phil: [babbling] I'm sorry, are... are... are those sentences?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Why so harsh? Because Gloria's gift is that special. A generational real-estate talent. I have to push her that hard. She wants me to. All the great ones do.
[separately to camera:]
Gloria: [crying] Phil is so mean to me.

Quote from Gloria

Libby: Civil Code 1101.1 requires plumbing re-installment of all residential properties built before 1994.
Phil: Yes! Someone is paying attention.
Libby: It's hard not to. Your rap-lectures on property codes are both informative and funky. Oh, I noticed that you lost your mug, so I just went ahead, got you a new one.
Gloria: Plastic? She must hate the sea turtles.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, before we break for lunch, uh, just a brief reminder... I will be rewarding this quarter's top student with an unpaid, uncredited internship.
Libby: Yes!
Phil: I'll tally the final grades and post the winner tomorrow.
Ike: [coughs] Who cares!
Phil: Thank you, Ike.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You know, if you wanted a different angle, we could, uh, go over to the chess board here. I'm playing remotely with a Russian grand master.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Hey! What are you two lovebirds doing here? I thought you were sleeping over at Janice's.
Janice: It got too hard for us to be there.
Luke: Yeah. You know, in the silence.
Janice: My daughter just went away for college.
Luke: We're empty nesters now. Everything in that house is just another reminder of our little girl. [Janice cries]
Claire: You've known her for four months, but, um, yeah.

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