Anne: Let's see, you said your daughter's doing research in Antarctica.
Claire: Yes.
Anne: Any chance we could meet the rest of the clan?
Claire: [chuckles] Um...
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Hell, no. This was for the cover of Corner Office Magazine. I mean, that's basically Vogue for female CEOs. Lately, my family has seemed more suited to a gator-farm billboard.

Phil: All right, then, time for my lecture on geological surveys. [beatboxing]
Bob: Uh, Mr. Dunphy?
Phil: Bedrock...
Bob: I'm sorry. Should we wait for Libby? She's not back from lunch yet.
Ike: Yeah, I heard she was riding her bike and then got hit by a car. Been taken to the hospital.
Phil: What?! That's terrible. I hope she's okay.
Gloria: [filing her nails] Yes, she should be more careful.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: In the crime show I've been bingeing, 9 out of 10 female suspects casually file their nails during police questioning. Was this my fault? Did I push Gloria too far? Had she... snapped?

Phil: Sorry, I'm, uh, a little on edge. I think I've been watching too much "Snapped." Um... can I ask you something? How much do we really know about Gloria?
Luke: The exotic stranger who just popped into our lives out of nowhere? I've had my suspicions about her for years.
[flashback:]
Gloria: [British accent] I shall need the parcel to arrive at my flat by tea time. Splendid, my good man. [normal voice to Jay] The British accent gets me better service. [British accent] Tally-ho!
[present:]
Luke: Her accent was flawless.

Phil: [recording] If you're listening to this, it means things have ended badly for me. You should look into someone who goes by the name Gloria Pritchett.

Phil: "State's Greatest Teacher."
Libby: I was gonna get you one that said "World's Greatest," but I didn't want to look like a suck-up.
Gloria: Too late, nerd.
Phil: Mrs. Pritchett, respect the classroom. All outbursts should be couched in a fake cough.

Phil: Gloria? Hey! Um... Just out of... out of curiosity, where were you at lunch?
Gloria: I went to Panera. I had the coupon.
Phil: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And you have some way to... to... to verify that you were there? Like leftovers, or...?
Gloria: I ordered the chowder in the bread bowl. I ate every piece of it.
Phil: Corn or clam?
Gloria: Potato. What is this all about?
Phil: Nothing.
Gloria: Do you think that I had something to do with Libby getting hurt?
Phil: What?!
Gloria: How dare you, Phil.
Phil: No, Gloria, no, no, no, I... I just... I don't know the... the lunch scene around here. No. No, it's...
[As Gloria drives away, Phil notices scratches along the side of her car]
Phil: Ohh, snapped.

Claire: Alex? What... What are you doing home from Antarctica?!
Alex: [shivering] I couldn't take the cold anymore. I was so desperate, I took a Japanese fishing boat part of the way home.
Claire: Oh, honey, I'm so glad to have you home. Wow, you did not ride up front with the captain, did ya?
Alex: I would've called, but frostbite did a weird thing to my hands. They froze into permanent "hang loose" signs. People keep calling me dude.

Phil: I just Googled her, I didn't find anything.
Luke: A looker like that with no online presence? Makes you wonder what she's hiding.
Phil: You don't think she's dangerous, do you?
Luke: Everybody has a breaking point. But she's probably okay. I mean, she's not Lily. [chuckles]

Claire: Fine, I lied! I had an interview with a magazine today and I just wanted everything to be perfect!
Alex: [scoffs] Which means getting rid of us?
Haley: Sorry we're such an embarrassment.
Claire: You're right. There's no excuse for what I did. I... I mean, except that you used to make me drop you off three blocks from school. And when you had friends over, you referred to me as Helga, your Swedish nanny! And you told your entire Girl Scout troop for three years that your mother was dead! You have been embarrassed by me your whole lives. I get one day!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: [shows magazine cover] Worth it.

Cameron: And I love you too much to make that same mistake.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam.
Cameron: We should return the fridge.
Mitchell: I think we have to.
Bridget: I'm sorry you are unhappy with me.
Mitchell: You... You heard that? We... We unplugged you.
Bridget: I have a backup battery. You'd know that if you read my manual.
Cameron: Are you mad?
Bridget: Don't be silly, I'm just a refrigerator. Remember?
Cameron: I think Bridget snapped.