Trending ‘Modern Family’ Quotes
Alex: Claire? The words on the page are vibrating, and I can't make them stop. I forgot how to read!
Haley: [in her car] "'Kay"? Who says "'kay"?! You're so stupid! [horn honks] Go! Go around! Go around! I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere! I am not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Mr. Gavin Sinclair, I'm not going anywhere. You're about to see me. I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere.
Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, Ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!
Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?
Haley: Are we done here?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Surprisingly, not.
Haley: This might sound crazy, but I'm going to marry you.
Haley: I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [inhales] together.
Haley: I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Oh, I have plenty of those. Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is. This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
Haley: Ew, how do you know my name?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I know everything. Also, your pass has your name written on it.
Alex: I think I'm gonna pass out.
Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."
Gloria: I was going to ask you to go to Juárez with me next week for my cousin's wedding, but I know that you don't want to go, so I'll go alone.
Joe: You're really not gonna go?
Jay: Well, you heard her. She's fine going alone.
Joe: If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with her, you'll regret it. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Jay: What did you say? Is that "Casablanca"?
Joe: It doesn't take much to see the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday, you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.
Alex: [aside to camera] So we were done with classes, done with finals, and, like college seniors since the beginning of time, we decided to get a little nuts.
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Alex: Our classmate Ashish Chug hacked his key card to get us access to the restricted section of the library. We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem. Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals one. This rendered mathematics meaningless and drove him insane. According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone who reads and understands the proof.
Jay: The kid is just not a fighter. He gets squeamish pounding veal.
Gloria: Just do it!
Jay: Fine, but I'm only doing it for the lasagna and the extra food he's been bringing home on Sundays. Makes Mondays easier, you know?
Gloria: Oh, my God, you're the Garfield.
Claire: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I just got off the horn with Rick Friedman over at Shelf Involved. That poor guy. Someone there has given away corporate secrets. Makes me so glad that we just upgraded our whole security system. I mean, we got hidden cameras around this place that I don't even know about.
Dom: So, we got a cake for Margaret's birthday.
Claire: Fun. How you doing, Ben?
Ben: [gulps, chuckles nervously] Me? I'm good. I am good. I am chill. I'm gonna go to the bathroom, so...
Margaret: It's not really my birthday. I just wanted cake. I eat garbage because I am garbage.
Phil: I've thought a lot about what's next.
Phil: Thank you, buddy. And it's important that I continue to grow and that I stay mentally challenged. Which is why I am starting...piano lessons, so that by next year's birthday, I'll be good enough to perform in public.
Jay: Oh, great. Another thing to go to.
Phil: Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish.
Phil: Uh, I... I haven't started yet.
Phil: Sweetie, half your life is having your mind blown. I remember when I heard there were more stars in the galaxy than grains of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's.
Alex: No, there are more galaxies than grains of sand on all the world's beaches.
Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!
Phil: Honey, you are not a loser.
Haley: Oh, please. I hear the shots you all take at me. I see my sister about to lap me at a college that I would never be able to get into. Even someone as dumb as me can see that I'm a giant failure!
Phil: Haley, stop, okay? Haley, let me tell you something. You have value, talent, and potential that their tests can't measure. Who cares if you don't fit into their little box. You're finding your way. That's what your 20s are for, to take chances... To- To make mistakes and to learn from them, and you are learning from them. The fact that you won't push this button proves that.
Haley: That was really sweet, Dad. I can't believe I was gonna hit you over the head with that chair.
Manny: Well, maybe if you believed in your sons instead of giving everyone Colombian handshakes.
Gloria: What?! I've never sanded down a man's fingers in front of his family! Oh, you mean the bribes?
Manny: You can't deny it anymore. Look at this photo on my dean's Instagram. He's wearing the same watch you gave Sensei Ron.
Cameron: The superintendent was wearing that same watch. I-I noticed it when he shook my hand at the end of the ceremony and said I was a "horrifying disgrace."
Jay: You bribed him?! Is that how I got my speech?
Gloria: Okay, enough! I'm sure you would have gotten all these things on your own, but the world sometimes is very unfair! And the watches are like an insurance.
Manny: Why do you even have so many?
Gloria: Sometimes I do a little bit of Ambien shopping and I buy too much of one thing. Didn't you all wonder when you got the same fun socks for Christmas?
Andy: Honey, this is my long way of saying I miss you. I don't have to climb a mountain or swim an ocean to be with you, 'cause you're always with me. In my thoughts, my dreams, my heart. You deserve more than I could possibly ever give you, but everything I have is yours. I love you.
Phil: Cut! That was beautiful. I really felt that one. Did you feel that one?
Haley: No, I didn't feel anything.
Phil: I was talking to Andy.
Haley: I know! Put me down, freak! Ugh!
Phil: Wow. That really takes me back to my cheerleading days.
Phil: Merv, meet my daughter Haley.
Merv Schechter: Nice to meet you. Your daddy tells me that you have come down with the Madison Avenue flu.
Haley: I don't understand anything that's happening here.
Merv Schechter: I feel the same way when I watch "Empire."
Manny: Notes from the road. Alternate title, The United States of me. Fear Friend or Foe? As children, we're taught to fear what can hurt us. But as adults, we're expected to conquer what we're afraid of. So what are fears? Do they keep us alive? Or do they keep us from living?
Haley: Hey! You're blocking the driveway. Hit the road already.
Manny: Okay, I'm going.
Jay: [aside to camera] So my plan was, drive Claire and Mitchell home, put them to bed, pour myself a big tumbler of scotch, and tell Dede it was over. But on the way out, we made one last stop.
President Lincoln: If destruction be our lot, we ourselves must be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men, we must live through all times.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. Now that's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me.
President Lincoln: And in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.
Jay: So I stuck it out until they were grown.
Gloria: [o.s.] Jay, you want to join me in the jacuzzi?
Jay: And the universe rewarded me.
Jay: The first step in plane building, organize the parts. You got your power plant. You got your fuselage. You got your control surfaces. What's that?
Manny: A charcuterie. You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
Jay: That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years. [chuckles] They're killing themselves with that name.