Trending ‘Modern Family’ Quotes
Phil: Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire: Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?
Phil: Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. [takes out cigarette]
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.
Phil: It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Phil: So, what's your story? Miss America Pageant in town?
Claire: You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil: I'm pretty smooth all over. [lights up]
Waitress: Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil: Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
Claire: You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.
Phil: God, you guys look great.
Gloria: [flat accent] Thank you, Phil. I try my best. You look very dead-like.
Jay: Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, Jay. For now on, I only speakin' proper American so I don't embarrass you.
Phil: Did she just get back from the dentist?
Jay: She's mad at me because I told her sometimes people can't understand her.
Phil: Make it right, Jay. We're all just hanging by a thread.
Jay: You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song. Now, let's- Let's get that going.
Gloria: I hate him.
Jay: [singing] quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade
Gloria: I want blood!
Jay: [singing] Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade tail up, head down [Gloria joins] shake your feathers all around everybody's smiling at the duck parade
Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, Ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!
Phil: [aside to camera] We like to think we're so smart and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children. But if you scratch beneath the surface you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is why it's kinda crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life. Your parents faked their way through it you fake your way through it and hopefully you don't raise a serial killer.
Haley: Are we done here?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Surprisingly, not.
Haley: This might sound crazy, but I'm going to marry you.
Haley: I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [inhales] together.
Haley: I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Oh, I have plenty of those. Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is. This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
Haley: Ew, how do you know my name?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I know everything. Also, your pass has your name written on it.
Alex: I think I'm gonna pass out.
Jay: I remember my first big perk for a job well-done. I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "ALF." And six weeks later, I'm watching the show. There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman named Jay Pritchett. I still got it on Betamax.
Gloria: I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.
Jay: You know what? Great party. Thank you all for coming. And I hope you forgive me. I'm gonna go upstairs, curl up with a Ludlum and call it a day.
Haley: Look, I'm not getting in the way of anything. Arvin never told me about it, and even if he did, I wouldn't understand. The NERP I work for is a website run by an actress who thinks she knows science because, once in a James Bond movie, she played a nuclear physicist, Dr. Mona Lott.
Phil: Wait! Is that the back of the train?
Luke: Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn. Only two of them in the continental United States, one of which is here in California, which is in North America. Sadly, I know all of this now.
Cameron: That's it. The engineer. He never has to leave the controls.
Phil: He waits for the horseshoe turn. Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. I heard it.
Simon Hastings: This is brilliant! I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book.
Cameron: Actually, it's just one clown.
Phil: One magician.
Claire: I'm desperate. Just teach me the song.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back.
Claire: Just teach it to me.
Phil: Okay. It's called "Go Ask Alex." [strumming, singing] "When you don't know what a word means, go ask Alex If you need someone to hem your jeans, go ask Alex-
Claire: I can't believe I'm even saying this but instead of "hem your jeans," could it be "steam your greens"?
Phil: No, it can't. The jeans come back at the four-minute mark.
Alex: I like football. Haley hates it. Which is weird because it's all boys, and there's no reading required. Do you know that she spends at least 45 minutes every morning doing her hair? And then, sometimes, she...
Haley: Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Dylan: It's okay. I don't think we ever really got each other. Like, you know how when you and I used to go to concerts, we used to just look at each other and know...
Haley: It was time for me to get on your shoulders and throw my bra at the drummer. [both laugh]
Dylan: Like, you probably have that with Arvin, right?
Dylan: That's awesome. With my wife, she's pretty and smart and a doctor. But if you're always telling yourself how lucky you are, it's probably because you're afraid to ask yourself how happy you are. Right?
Mitchell: Dad, I picked you up a diaper bag. Fun fact this insulated pouch will keep a bottle of prosecco cold for an entire Wiggles concert.
Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!
Phil: [over walkie talkie] Goldilocks to Papa Bear. Goldilocks to Papa Bear. Come in, Papa Bear.
Jay: This is Papa Bear.
Phil: On location in the garage, Papa Bear. Got some cocoa with your name on it. What's your 20?
Gloria: And if you're too set in your old ways to be happy about it, I can raise it on my own. I have done it before, and I can do it now! I come from a very long line of strong Latin women whose husbands are nowhere to be found!
Jay: Are you done?
Jay: Can I say something?
Gloria: Go on!
Jay: That's the greatest news I've ever heard.
Gloria: It is?
Jay: I spent the day hearing what my future had in store for me, and I didn't like one bit of it. It felt like my life was ending. And now you're telling me that I get to have a new start with the woman of my dreams. I think I'm gonna cry.
Phil: I'm way ahead of you.
Cameron: Okay, I give up. I can't find a position that's not sexual.
Mitchell: Just calm down.
Cameron: I can't calm down. You know, maybe we're not as okay as we keep saying we are.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: Maybe we should go away. You know, go someplace to heal.
Cameron: Well, someplace with a vibrant theater scene, top-notch restaurants. The jewel of Missouri's white river.
Mitchell: We're not going to Branson.
Jay: The first step in plane building, organize the parts. You got your power plant. You got your fuselage. You got your control surfaces. What's that?
Manny: A charcuterie. You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
Jay: That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years. [chuckles] They're killing themselves with that name.
Gloria: Zdravstvuyte. [Hello]
Russian man #1: Chego ty khochesh'? [What do you want?]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood. We like it there. I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.
Gloria: Igrovoye vremya okoncheno. [Playtime is over.]
Russian man #2: Kto ty? [Who are you?]
Gloria: Vy plokhiye parni. Vremya idti. [You are bad boys. It's time to go.]
Russian man #1: Ty dumayesh' ona na samom dele? [You think she's for real?]
Russian man #2: Yubaya zhenshchina, kotoraya vyglyadit tak i govorit po-russki, dolzhna byt' na svyazi. [Any woman that looks like that and speaks Russian must be connected.]
Gloria: Poproshchaysya so svoim drugom. Eto pereryv. [Say goodbye to your friend. It's naptime.]
Russian man #1: [gasps] Ona dolzhna znat' myasnika. [She must know the butcher.]
Russian man #2: YA uveren, chto my mozhem chto-to reshit'. [I'm sure we can work something out.]
Gloria: [aggressively] Vy khotite kurinyye pal'chiki? [You want chicken fingers?]
Russian man #2: Pozhaluysta, ne moi ruki. [Please, not my hands.]