Trending ‘Modern Family’ Quotes

Quote from Gloria in Weathering Heights

Joe: Thank you for bweakfast.
Gloria: You're welcome, sweetie. [sighs] Did you hear that? "Bweakfast." It's a good thing that we're taking him to speech therapy. I want everybody to understand every single thing he says. [thick accent] Do you want marmalade on your brioche toast?
Jay: Not a clue.

Quote from Jay in Thunk in the Trunk

Jay: You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song. Now, let's- Let's get that going.
Gloria: I hate him.
Jay: [singing] quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade
Gloria: I want blood!
Jay: [singing] Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade tail up, head down [Gloria joins] shake your feathers all around everybody's smiling at the duck parade

Quote from Jay in Baby on Board

Jay: The first step in plane building, organize the parts. You got your power plant. You got your fuselage. You got your control surfaces. What's that?
Manny: A charcuterie. You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
Jay: That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years. [chuckles] They're killing themselves with that name.

Quote from Gloria in Halloween

Phil: God, you guys look great.
Gloria: [flat accent] Thank you, Phil. I try my best. You look very dead-like.
Jay: Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, Jay. For now on, I only speakin' proper American so I don't embarrass you.
Phil: Did she just get back from the dentist?
Jay: She's mad at me because I told her sometimes people can't understand her.
Phil: Make it right, Jay. We're all just hanging by a thread.

Quote from Phil in Lifetime Supply

Phil: [aside to camera] In my 20s, I went on a game show and won a lifetime supply of razor blades.
[flashback:]
Chip: Okay, Phil, time is up. What is your answer?
Phil: 3.14159. [buzzer sounds] Oh!
Chip: I'm sorry, Phil. The correct answer is banana cream. Banana cream.
Phil: Banana cream. Well, you got me there, Chip.
Chip: But you're not leaving empty-handed, no. You're going home with a lifetime supply of Genesis twin-blade razors.
Phil: What?! Two blades in one razor? Man, it'll never get better than that!

Quote from Gloria in The Graduates

Joe: Mama, I have a stomachache. And my ankle is broken.
Gloria: [gasps] And you can walk with your broken ankle?
[Joe drops to the ground]
Jay: I had a cousin got out of Vietnam that way.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Whenever Manny's getting a lot of attention, Joe gets very needy... "My head," "My arm." In Colombia, we say, "If it's not bleeding, shut your guinea-pig hole." We actually do eat guinea pig.

Quote from Jay in Winner Winner Turkey Dinner

Principal: You said some pretty harsh things to Mrs. Barrish.
Jay: In my defense, um, this banquet she's planning is not historically accurate. For example, I don't remember a tandoori chicken option at the first Thanksgiving.
Principal: We have children here from many ethnicities, and we try to make them all feel included.
Jay: Be that as it may, history does not record Pocahontas asking John Smith to pass the sashimi roll while Myles Standish helps himself to gluten-free huevos rancheros!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: After that, it got heated, and we got expelled.
Joe: "We"?
Jay: But they'll call. They need my check.

Quote from Claire in Regrets Only

Phil: All right. What looks good?
Claire: Oh, gosh.
Phil: Ooh, here's something that jumps right off the page.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Phil: I tried this yesterday, thanks to my good friend Skip Woosnum. Claire, do yourself a favor and join me in a wedge salad.
Claire: You have got to be kidding me!
Phil: Just try it. You will thank me.
Claire: Did you learn nothing from last night?
Alex: Whoa.
Phil: It was about the salad?
Claire: I have been recommending wedge salads to you amongst other things, for years, and you never listen to me. And then some idiot suggests it, and you can't wait to try a wedge salad? It makes me feel like I don't matter.

Quote from Phil in A Moving Day

Claire: Honey, I had a dream last night that they left the baby in an Uber, and I had to shrink myself down to commandeer a hummingbird to find it.
Phil: I'm just glad it wasn't another Jake Tapper sex dream.
Claire: I'm mad. I'm scared they're in over their heads...
Phil: Claire, it's happening. They're having the baby. The train's left the station. et on board.
Claire: [sighs] Fine. You're right. You're right. I'll... I'll try to be positive.
Phil: Good. I was gonna go pick up a house-warming gift for them. Why don't you come with me?
Claire: Oh, okay, let's do that. Wait a second. How do you board a train that's already left the station?
Phil: I don't know. Maybe you could catch up to them on a hummingbird with Jake Tapper.

Quote from Jay in Spread Your Wings

[As Lily and her friends are working a production line, bottling Gloria's sauce:]
Mitchell: Oh, Ms. Tran. Is that Patricia's medicine?
Jay: Pick up the pace, ladies! Come on! We've only got-
Mitchell: Trust me. This is slightly better than it looks.
Lily: My fingers hurt.
Cameron: Hey, honey, what did I say about talking on the line?

Quote from Haley in Larry's Wife

Haley: Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning.
Alex: It's not a prune tree. They pruned the tree. And I'm not switching places with you, so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed.
Haley: Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow? And I'm the dumb one.

Quote from Gloria in Brushes with Celebrity

Sam Anvilmaker: Honey, I'll take another
Gloria: Shut up. That's my son over there. He opened his beautiful soul to you, to praise you, to get some advice from you, and you were mean to him? Come on, we both know that your attitude is just a defense mechanism to protect the tiny, little ego from the truth that you don't deserve any praise, that you're a fraud, that you're just a big, fat nobody.
Sam Anvilmaker: [whimpers, cries]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: All men break the same.

Quote from Jay in A Sketchy Area

Alex: Hey, what's- What's all this?
Jay: Danger O'Shea memorabilia. I'm a big collector.
Alex: Who's Danger O'Shea?
Jay: Legendary daredevil. Got famous for jumping over a school bus on his motorcycle.

Quote from Cameron in Yard Sale

Cameron: J'accuse!
Mitchell: I'm sorry. One more time?
Cameron: It's just a dramatic way of accusing you of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Saboteur!
Mitchell: That's a second way.
Cameron: How could you?
Mitchell: And a third.

Quote from Claire in The Long Honeymoon

Luke: [British accent] More syrup for milady?
Haley: Why, thank you, kind sir.
Phil: Claire, do we still have any of those cookies that you and Luke baked?
Claire: Are we the kind of family that has cookies for breakfast? Yes, we are!

Quote from Mitchell in The Old Man & The Tree

Cameron: [on the phone] How's it going?
Mitchell: There are no Puppy Pounds anywhere. It's like trying to find a Cabbage Patch Kid on Christmas Eve 1983.
Cameron: Still hurts, huh?
Mitchell: I had her bed all made.

Quote from Claire in Catch of the Day

Phil: When I miss my catch, the best thing I can do is just wait it out in a safe place.
Claire: Unh-unh. Not today. No, no, no. We have a ton of errands to get done before we go see Steely Dan this afternoon.
Phil: What time is that?
Claire: 3:00 p.m.
Phil: Why is it so...
Claire: They are not young men, Phil.

Quote from Pam in Catch of the Day

Cameron: Look, I'm really sorry. I had no idea that wasn't Bo on the phone. Who else would you be so... intimate with?
Pam: Anybody who can pay three bucks a minute for nasty talk.
Cameron: Okay, you're a phone-sex operator?
Pam: My real-person modeling gigs haven't been paying the bills. And I needed a job where I could stay at home with the baby.
Cameron: I didn't even know that still existed. Like, I thought it was all apps and the Internet now.
Pam: Not everyone leads your coastal-elite lifestyle, Cam. There's a whole country full of decent, hardworking Americans who still want to torque their doolies on the phone, you gargantuan snob!
Cameron: Just could've said "snob."

Quote from Mitchell in Spring Break

Mitchell: I was nine years old, at camp. There were mosquitoes, compost toilets, mean kids.
Jay: It was theater camp, wasn't it?
Mitchell: Naturally, you remember that part. The point is, I hated it. I was I was cold, and I was scared especially after this kid told this terrifying ghost story. So I snuck away to a pay phone. I called you, crying. And, in a performance even more predictable than Todd Jansen's Artful Dodger you refused to pick me up.
Jay: For your own good. Learning to fend for yourself is an important part of becoming a man.
Mitchell: Before you claim that all my professional success stems from your very, very brave decision to stay at home on the couch watching The Bionic Woman, I am going to go get Lily so that she knows she can always count on me. [coat trapped in car trunk] It's fine.
Jay: If that's your idea of a dramatic exit it's no wonder Todd Jansen got that part.

Quote from Haley in Knock 'Em Down

Haley: Hey! I am in the best mood. My Uber driver looked just like Adam Driver.