Trending ‘Modern Family’ Quotes

Quote from Jay in Spuds

Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."


Quote from Jay in The Party

Jay: I remember my first big perk for a job well-done. I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "ALF." And six weeks later, I'm watching the show. There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman named Jay Pritchett. I still got it on Betamax.
Gloria: I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.

Quote from Phil in My Funky Valentine

Phil: Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire: Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?
Phil: Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. [takes out cigarette]
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.
Phil: It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: So, what's your story? Miss America Pageant in town?
Claire: You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil: I'm pretty smooth all over. [lights up]
Waitress: Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil: Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
Claire: You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.

Quote from Jay in Express Yourself

Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, Ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!

Quote from Pam in Catch of the Day

Cameron: Pameron Jessica Tucker, listen to me. You need to stop those dirty jailbird phone calls right this second with Bo, or I am...
Pam: Oh, my God! You've been listening in on my private conversation?
Cameron: You should be ashamed of yourself. Talking like a girl from Cricketsville, you were raised better than that.
Pam: You stay the hell out of my business. And stop looking down your nose at Cricketsville. They got a Target now with a Banksy on the side of it.
Cameron: Yeah, right. I'm sure Banksy drove to Cricketsville and painted on the s... Oh, you mean the ATM.
Pam: Well, what the hell else would I be talking about?

Quote from Jay in Baby on Board

Jay: The first step in plane building, organize the parts. You got your power plant. You got your fuselage. You got your control surfaces. What's that?
Manny: A charcuterie. You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
Jay: That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years. [chuckles] They're killing themselves with that name.

Quote from Phil in The Day We Almost Died

Phil: I just stopped by to give you guys a little care package to show you there's no hard feelings.
Gil Thorpe: Class act, dung beetle.
Phil: Here's the malpractice attorney most of his clients have used after he's ripped them off. You will be losing some sleep, but these have always helped my wife. And this priest is retired, but I think he still does exorcisms, which you'll need after today.
Sam: Listen, Phil.
Gil Thorpe: It's okay. It's sad, really, to see a once-mediocre realtor reduced to this.
Phil: Gil, please, let's keep this civil. Oh, by the way, if you ever speak disrespectfully again about my wife, I'll kill you. Sorry. That sounded like a joke. I will actually kill you. Anyhoo, when you guys wake up and smell the sulfur, here's a list of other realtors, and if you need me, I'll be in the office at 9:00... Uh, 10:00. I have the dentist.

Quote from Claire in Commencement

Phil: [aside to camera] As a parent, you don't get a lot of good, clean, guilt-free victories.
Claire: That's why it's hard not to feel pretty damn good about ourselves today.
Phil: Because this afternoon, we are going to watch our daughter Alex graduate.
Claire: With honors!
Phil: From the world-renowned Caltech.
Both: ♪ When the Caltech Beavers face you at sports ♪ ♪ Prepare to relinquish the ba-a-all ♪
Claire: Their best minds weren't focused on the fight song.

Quote from Haley in In Your Head

Haley: Are we done here?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Surprisingly, not.
Haley: This might sound crazy, but I'm going to marry you.
Alex: What?!
Haley: I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [inhales] together.
Haley: I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Oh, I have plenty of those. Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is. This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
Haley: Ew, how do you know my name?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I know everything. Also, your pass has your name written on it.
Alex: I think I'm gonna pass out.

Quote from Claire in Brushes with Celebrity

Alex: "The Unwitting Miss Castle." What's that about?
Claire: It's about three persecuted women in different time periods, or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck. I don't know which.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Somehow, I was able to join a very exclusive book club filled with the most intelligent women. I can never seem to impress them. They use words like "sanguine." I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too. Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard?
Alex: You're not using it right.

Quote from Gloria in Halloween

Phil: God, you guys look great.
Gloria: [flat accent] Thank you, Phil. I try my best. You look very dead-like.
Jay: Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, Jay. For now on, I only speakin' proper American so I don't embarrass you.
Phil: Did she just get back from the dentist?
Jay: She's mad at me because I told her sometimes people can't understand her.
Phil: Make it right, Jay. We're all just hanging by a thread.

Quote from Phil in Dance Dance Revelation

Phil: [aside to camera] We like to think we're so smart and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is why it's kinda crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life. Your parents faked their way through it, you fake your way through it and hopefully you don't raise a serial killer.

Quote from Haley in Rash Decisions

Haley: [on the phone] Oh, my God. You're such a slut. Oh, I love it. Mm. Nothing, I'm just taking my sister to a college interview at a coffee shop. Ugh. I know, right? Oh, I totally forgot to tell you what happened last night. Lisa, Enzo, and I were at a bar in Echo Park, and Enzo was like, "My dream is to run the bases at Dodger Stadium. " So I'm like, "Screw it, let's do it. " So, Lisa tucks her hair up to a baseball cap, and we convince the grounds keeper that she's Justin Bieber and that "Justin" will take a picture with him. And it worked! No, you shut up! That's not even the best part. Enzo starts running the bases, and he whips his shirt off. And Lisa gets caught up in it and takes off her shirt. And the grounds keeper's like, "Whoa, you're not Justin Bieber. " So he starts chasing us around with a rake. I know! Oh, wait. Who is that? Denise? Put that dirty hooker on the phone. Hey, girl. Did I tell you what happened last night? So, Enzo said that his dream was to run the bases at Dodger Stadium, - and I was like, "Screw it, let's do it."
Alex: Oh, my God! Do you ever stop talking?! I am sitting here trying to mentally prepare for one of the most important moments of my life, so can you please just shut up?

Quote from Gloria in No Small Feet

Gloria: [aside to camera] When Phil told me about this house, I offered to help. Now that Manny's away at college and Joe goes to kindergarten, I have time for one of my old hobbies confronting the devil in all his forms.
Gloria: I have everything I need: sage, a spoon from the Vatican cafeteria, my maracas.

Quote from Jay in The More You Ignore Me

Jay: You want to know what drove Jay Pritchett? People telling me I wasn't good enough. There's something about a person telling you you can't do something. It just lights the competitive fires drives us to take risks opens us up to new opportunities. Everything I did, I did to prove the naysayers wrong. So, to everyone who didn't think I was good enough-
Joe: Look, dad! I tied my shoes!
Jay: Good job, Joe! Ah. How do you like me now?

Quote from Joe in Double Click

Gloria: I was going to ask you to go to Juárez with me next week for my cousin's wedding, but I know that you don't want to go, so I'll go alone.
Joe: You're really not gonna go?
Jay: Well, you heard her. She's fine going alone.
Joe: If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with her, you'll regret it. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Jay: What did you say? Is that "Casablanca"?
Joe: It doesn't take much to see the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday, you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.

Quote from Gloria in The Alliance

Gloria: Zdravstvuyte. [Hello]
Russian man #1: Chego ty khochesh'? [What do you want?]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood. We like it there. I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.
Gloria: Igrovoye vremya okoncheno. [Playtime is over.]
Russian man #2: Kto ty? [Who are you?]
Gloria: Vy plokhiye parni. Vremya idti. [You are bad boys. It's time to go.]
Russian man #1: Ty dumayesh' ona na samom dele? [You think she's for real?]
Russian man #2: Yubaya zhenshchina, kotoraya vyglyadit tak i govorit po-russki, dolzhna byt' na svyazi. [Any woman that looks like that and speaks Russian must be connected.]
Gloria: Poproshchaysya so svoim drugom. Eto pereryv. [Say goodbye to your friend. It's naptime.]
Russian man #1: [gasps] Ona dolzhna znat' myasnika. [She must know the butcher.]
Russian man #2: YA uveren, chto my mozhem chto-to reshit'. [I'm sure we can work something out.]
Gloria: [aggressively] Vy khotite kurinyye pal'chiki? [You want chicken fingers?]
Russian man #2: Pozhaluysta, ne moi ruki. [Please, not my hands.]

Quote from Pam in Frank's Wedding

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's taken me a long time, but I've finally learned that when it comes to Cam's sister, anything I say can and will be used against me.
Cameron: Do you think maybe we should, you know, have the bartender cut Pam off?
Mitchell: Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a little bit messy.
Cameron: Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of making a fool out of yourself.
Pam: Go to hell, Mitchell! You go straight to hell! Whoo!

Quote from Phil in A Hard Jay's Night

Phil: [over walkie talkie] Goldilocks to Papa Bear. Goldilocks to Papa Bear. Come in, Papa Bear.
Jay: This is Papa Bear.
Phil: On location in the garage, Papa Bear. Got some cocoa with your name on it. What's your 20?

Quote from Phil in Crazy Train

Phil: Wait! Is that the back of the train?
Luke: Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn. Only two of them in the continental United States, one of which is here in California, which is in North America. Sadly, I know all of this now.
Cameron: That's it. The engineer. He never has to leave the controls.
Phil: He waits for the horseshoe turn. Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. I heard it.
Simon Hastings: This is brilliant! I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book.
Cameron: Actually, it's just one clown.
Phil: One magician.