Trending ‘Modern Family’ Quotes
Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?
Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."
Darlene: Last week, Shorty took me to see the Cirque du Soleil. It's like a circus, but classy. So if you like elephants, don't hold your breath.
Shorty: She's so cute.
Gloria: Jay hates the crowds, the beach, the rainbows.
Jay: Rainbows? It's just colors in the sky. Do we have to pull over every time and take a picture?
Shorty: Shame. There's an expression in Italian, Jay. "Dammi la tua mano e corriamo uniti per tutta la vita." "Give me your hand and we will run together our whole lives."
Gloria: Jay also hates running.
Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!
Luke: [aside to camera] Grandpa got me a job at his country club, and I've been cleaning up in tips. I also like the way those guys talk. There's actually an ethnic slur for Norwegians. It's ice [bleep]ers.
Haley: [in her car] "'Kay"? Who says "'kay"?! You're so stupid! [horn honks] Go! Go around! Go around! I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere! I am not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Mr. Gavin Sinclair, I'm not going anywhere. You're about to see me. I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere.
Gloria: Do you know how frustrating it is to have to translate everything in my head before I say it? To have people laugh in my face because I'm struggling to find the words? You should try talking in my shoes for one mile!
Jay: I think you meant-
Gloria: I know what I meant to mean. Do you even know how smart I am in Spanish? Of course you don't. For once, it would be nice to speak to someone in my own language in my own home.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone. Um, you just tap to accept it.
Haley: Uh, yeah, not gonna tap that.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I think you will. Haley, there are forces in the universe that we don't understand measurable forces that can't be explained, but cannot be denied and that's that's what this is. I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Haley: Wow! [laughing] That was so dumb!
Claire: Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil: I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire: Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil: Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire: Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because she's always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh, no. She can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire: Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil: I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire: Yeah. So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going to do to you?
Claire: Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.
Jay: You know what? Great party. Thank you all for coming. And I hope you forgive me. I'm gonna go upstairs, curl up with a Ludlum and call it a day.
Jay: You want to know what drove Jay Pritchett? People telling me I wasn't good enough. There's something about a person telling you you can't do something. It just lights the competitive fires drives us to take risks opens us up to new opportunities. Everything I did, I did to prove the naysayers wrong. So, to everyone who didn't think I was good enough-
Joe: Look, dad! I tied my shoes!
Jay: Good job, Joe! Ah. How do you like me now?
Jay: What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was Dad up in the stands giving me the old "be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Mary-Jo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 am at the kitchen table and my old man's telling me, "Eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like, like I didn't love him. But he knew. He had to know, right?
Gloria: Of course he did.
Jay: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.
Haley: Look, I'm not getting in the way of anything. Arvin never told me about it, and even if he did, I wouldn't understand. The NERP I work for is a website run by an actress who thinks she knows science because, once in a James Bond movie, she played a nuclear physicist, Dr. Mona Lott.
Jay: The only reason I'm hard on Manny is just because I don't wanna see him make a fool of himself. And I can smell that hair goo of his from here.
Gloria: Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there but you're his family now. And that means only one thing. You be the wind in his back, not the spit in his face!
Gloria: Something my mom always says. It's gorgeous in Spanish.
Jay: [aside to camera] I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle. I didn't want to rob Joe of that. It wasn't easy biting my tongue, but I took a page from another heroic relative, Lulach McPritchett. Proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English, tortured for months using every method imaginable, and never once giving up a single secret. Don't look him up.
Claire: Where are Cam and Lily?
Mitchell: Uh, they're still at the farm. I got banished.
Claire: Sounds like you're ramping up to a story, but I got some stuff going on, so...
Mitchell: Okay. Good to be home. Okay, so Cam's grandmother, the one who called me a sissy, she died.
And I- I was alone with her when it happened, and the family thinks that I nudged it along.
Claire: [smiling] Cam's grandma died?
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You still do that thing where you smile whenever you talk about death.
Claire: It's just a coping mechanism. It's gonna pass.
Mitchell: You've been doing it since I was 10 years old and we buried my hamster in the backyard.
Claire: His name was Whiskers.
Jay: You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song. Now, let's- Let's get that going.
Gloria: I hate him.
Jay: [singing] quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade
Gloria: I want blood!
Jay: [singing] Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade tail up, head down [Gloria joins] shake your feathers all around everybody's smiling at the duck parade
Claire: Um, can I just say, I am so comfortable with your sexuality.
Alex: Can I just say that your comfort with my sexuality has made me more comfortable with my sexuality.
Gloria: Can I just say that if I had my gun in my purse, I would shoot myself.
Phil: [aside to camera] We like to think we're so smart and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is why it's kinda crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life. Your parents faked their way through it, you fake your way through it and hopefully you don't raise a serial killer.
Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!