Trending ‘Modern Family’ Quotes
Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?
Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."
Haley: [in her car] "'Kay"? Who says "'kay"?! You're so stupid! [horn honks] Go! Go around! Go around! I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere! I am not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Mr. Gavin Sinclair, I'm not going anywhere. You're about to see me. I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere.
Phil: All right. What looks good?
Claire: Oh, gosh.
Phil: Ooh, here's something that jumps right off the page.
Phil: I tried this yesterday, thanks to my good friend Skip Woosnum. Claire, do yourself a favor and join me in a wedge salad.
Claire: You have got to be kidding me!
Phil: Just try it. You will thank me.
Claire: Did you learn nothing from last night?
Phil: It was about the salad?
Claire: I have been recommending wedge salads to you amongst other things, for years, and you never listen to me. And then some idiot suggests it, and you can't wait to try a wedge salad? It makes me feel like I don't matter.
Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, Ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!
Luke: Dad, I want you to know I love your pancake shooter.
Phil: Have you seen the updates... to... the Insta-Cold straw?
Luke: You should be on a stamp.
Claire: Has that ever not electrocuted someone?
Phil: Sometimes you have to shock a few people before you shock the world.
Luke: That should go on your stamp.
Claire: Okay, stop flattering your dad. You're not dropping out of school.
Jay: The first step in plane building, organize the parts. You got your power plant. You got your fuselage. You got your control surfaces. What's that?
Manny: A charcuterie. You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
Jay: That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years. [chuckles] They're killing themselves with that name.
Cameron: [aside to camera] It was a boon year for tomatoes on the farm, or what we're calling Tomatogeddon. So they made an extra-large batch of Tucker's famous, and we're selling it at the Farmers' Market.
Mitchell: Now, when you say "famous"?
Cameron: It's known Missouri-wide. A death-row inmate requested it for his last meal.
Phil: God, you guys look great.
Gloria: [flat accent] Thank you, Phil. I try my best. You look very dead-like.
Jay: Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, Jay. For now on, I only speakin' proper American so I don't embarrass you.
Phil: Did she just get back from the dentist?
Jay: She's mad at me because I told her sometimes people can't understand her.
Phil: Make it right, Jay. We're all just hanging by a thread.
Phil: Yo, yo, yo! Awesome rager on the ground floor! Upstairs off-limits! Backyard, too, 'cause it just got re-sodded! What's up, buddy?
Dorothy Parker: [scoffs] Typical high-school idiot.
Manny: I fear for this country.
Jay: Excuse me. Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea. But, uh, what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I've been trying all my life to get it right, I'm still screwing up. Right, Manny?
Manny: I wrote a song about you in the car.
Jay: Of course you did. Uh, anyway, I'm happy for you. And, uh, you should know that, uh, I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back. [confused murmurs] It's supposed to sound better in Spanish.
Gloria: Voy a ser la brisa en tu espalda, no quien to escupa en la frente. [I will be the breeze on your back, not who spits in the forehead.]
Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's taken me a long time, but I've finally learned that when it comes to Cam's sister, anything I say can and will be used against me.
Cameron: Do you think maybe we should, you know, have the bartender cut Pam off?
Mitchell: Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a little bit messy.
Cameron: Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of making a fool out of yourself.
Pam: Go to hell, Mitchell! You go straight to hell! Whoo!
Jay: You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song. Now, let's- Let's get that going.
Gloria: I hate him.
Jay: [singing] quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade
Gloria: I want blood!
Jay: [singing] Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade tail up, head down [Gloria joins] shake your feathers all around everybody's smiling at the duck parade
Gloria: Zdravstvuyte. [Hello]
Russian man #1: Chego ty khochesh'? [What do you want?]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood. We like it there. I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.
Gloria: Igrovoye vremya okoncheno. [Playtime is over.]
Russian man #2: Kto ty? [Who are you?]
Gloria: Vy plokhiye parni. Vremya idti. [You are bad boys. It's time to go.]
Russian man #1: Ty dumayesh' ona na samom dele? [You think she's for real?]
Russian man #2: Yubaya zhenshchina, kotoraya vyglyadit tak i govorit po-russki, dolzhna byt' na svyazi. [Any woman that looks like that and speaks Russian must be connected.]
Gloria: Poproshchaysya so svoim drugom. Eto pereryv. [Say goodbye to your friend. It's naptime.]
Russian man #1: [gasps] Ona dolzhna znat' myasnika. [She must know the butcher.]
Russian man #2: YA uveren, chto my mozhem chto-to reshit'. [I'm sure we can work something out.]
Gloria: [aggressively] Vy khotite kurinyye pal'chiki? [You want chicken fingers?]
Russian man #2: Pozhaluysta, ne moi ruki. [Please, not my hands.]
Phil: Wait! Is that the back of the train?
Luke: Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn. Only two of them in the continental United States, one of which is here in California, which is in North America. Sadly, I know all of this now.
Cameron: That's it. The engineer. He never has to leave the controls.
Phil: He waits for the horseshoe turn. Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. I heard it.
Simon Hastings: This is brilliant! I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book.
Cameron: Actually, it's just one clown.
Phil: One magician.
Alex: Hey, what's- What's all this?
Jay: Danger O'Shea memorabilia. I'm a big collector.
Alex: Who's Danger O'Shea?
Jay: Legendary daredevil. Got famous for jumping over a school bus on his motorcycle.
Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!
Jay: You want to know what drove Jay Pritchett? People telling me I wasn't good enough. There's something about a person telling you you can't do something. It just lights the competitive fires drives us to take risks opens us up to new opportunities. Everything I did, I did to prove the naysayers wrong. So, to everyone who didn't think I was good enough-
Joe: Look, dad! I tied my shoes!
Jay: Good job, Joe! Ah. How do you like me now?
Jay: I'll tell you what else we're glossing over -- how bad you all are at Father's Day. I've got one son who's a kleptomaniac, the other who's in love with his own aunt - creepy even by your standards - and a daughter who I was forced to see naked as the day she was born.
Mitchell: Come on, Cam. Kiss me like the sissy I am!
Jay: Right on cue!
Claire: Oh, God.
Jay: Happy Father's Day to me. Icing on the cake, I just found out my own wife has major daddy issues. Makes me wonder if that's the whole reason she's with me.
Claire: Dad, come on. We may have ruined your day, yes, but now you're just spiraling. I mean, every relationship has its issues, and Gloria adores you! Take the win.
Jay: You think?
Sonia: [holding a painting of what can only be described as Colombian Jay] Papa was so handsome.
Haley: Are we done here?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Surprisingly, not.
Haley: This might sound crazy, but I'm going to marry you.
Haley: I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [inhales] together.
Haley: I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Oh, I have plenty of those. Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is. This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
Haley: Ew, how do you know my name?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I know everything. Also, your pass has your name written on it.
Alex: I think I'm gonna pass out.