Trending ‘Modern Family’ Quotes
Claire: Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil: I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire: Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil: Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire: Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because she's always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh, no. She can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire: Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil: I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire: Yeah. So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going to do to you?
Claire: Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.
Luke: Hey, Alex. You're the last virgin.
Alex: [chuckles] Please, I'm dating a fireman. I'm having hotter sex than... [sees Phil, backs away]
Claire: You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.
Claire: Mmm. That was a little fast.
Phil: Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.
Claire: Okay. Any idea of who you would remarry?
Phil: Vicky Conroy probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.
Alex: Are you guys talking about Vicky?
Alex: Mom, she's awesome.
Phil: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I-
Claire: Something's gonna happen to you, all right.
Jay: What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was dad up in the stands giving me the old "be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Maryjo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 am at the kitchen table and my old man's telling me, "eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like, like I didn't love him. But he knew. He had to know, right?
Gloria: Of course he did.
Jay: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.
Claire: Why did you write down "teepee joke"?
Phil: Debra said these are my personal and private thoughts.
Claire: I love that joke. I tell it all the time. It's funny.
Phil: To you.
Claire: Okay. Listen up, guys. This guy walks into his shrink's office and he says, "Doc, what's wrong with me? I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam." And the doc says, "that's your problem. You're two tents." Do you get it? Two tents.
Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."
Jay: Excuse me. Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea. But, uh, what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I've been trying all my life to get it right, I'm still screwing up. Right, Manny?
Manny: I wrote a song about you in the car.
Jay: Of course you did. Uh, anyway, I'm happy for you. And, uh, you should know that, uh, I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back. [confused murmurs] It's supposed to sound better in Spanish.
Gloria: Voy a ser la brisa en tu espalda, no quien to escupa en la frente. [I will be the breeze on your back, not who spits in the forehead.]
Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone. Um, you just tap to accept it.
Haley: Uh, yeah, not gonna tap that.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I think you will. Haley, there are forces in the universe that we don't understand measurable forces that can't be explained, but cannot be denied and that's that's what this is. I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Haley: Wow! [laughing] That was so dumb!
Gloria: Zdravstvuyte. [Hello]
Russian man #1: Chego ty khochesh'? [What do you want?]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood. We like it there. I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.
Gloria: Igrovoye vremya okoncheno. [Playtime is over.]
Russian man #2: Kto ty? [Who are you?]
Gloria: Vy plokhiye parni. Vremya idti. [You are bad boys. It's time to go.]
Russian man #1: Ty dumayesh' ona na samom dele? [You think she's for real?]
Russian man #2: Yubaya zhenshchina, kotoraya vyglyadit tak i govorit po-russki, dolzhna byt' na svyazi. [Any woman that looks like that and speaks Russian must be connected.]
Gloria: Poproshchaysya so svoim drugom. Eto pereryv. [Say goodbye to your friend. It's naptime.]
Russian man #1: [gasps] Ona dolzhna znat' myasnika. [She must know the butcher.]
Russian man #2: YA uveren, chto my mozhem chto-to reshit'. [I'm sure we can work something out.]
Gloria: [aggressively] Vy khotite kurinyye pal'chiki? [You want chicken fingers?]
Russian man #2: Pozhaluysta, ne moi ruki. [Please, not my hands.]
Mitchell: Wait, is that Ronaldo!
Ronaldo: Mitchell! What a surprise. And who is this? I always assumed I was your sexiest Latin friend. [Gloria laughs]
Mitchell: This is Gloria. Gloria, Ronaldo.
Ronaldo: Guatemalan. Venezuelan?
Mitchell: Not sure what this is.
Manny: They say the important thing in life isn't the destination. It's the journey, the challenges you face along the way, the unexpected twists and turns, the disappointments you overcome. But they're wrong. It's all about the destination, especially when the destination is your amazing oceanfront hotel. Thank you again, Serena. Warmest regards, Manny Delgado.
Jay: What's he doing?
Gloria: He's sending flowers to the concierge.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Manny: [clicks fingers] Hey, credit card.
Darlene: Last week, Shorty took me to see the Cirque du Soleil. It's like a circus, but classy. So if you like elephants, don't hold your breath.
Shorty: She's so cute.
Gloria: Jay hates the crowds, the beach, the rainbows.
Jay: Rainbows? It's just colors in the sky. Do we have to pull over every time and take a picture?
Shorty: Shame. There's an expression in Italian, Jay. "Dammi la tua mano e corriamo uniti per tutta la vita." "Give me your hand and we will run together our whole lives."
Gloria: Jay also hates running.
Alex: [aside to camera] So we were done with classes, done with finals, and, like college seniors since the beginning of time, we decided to get a little nuts.
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Alex: Our classmate Ashish Chug hacked his key card to get us access to the restricted section of the library. We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem. Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals one. This rendered mathematics meaningless and drove him insane. According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone who reads and understands the proof.
Phil: Honey, you are not a loser.
Haley: Oh, please. I hear the shots you all take at me. I see my sister about to lap me at a college that I would never be able to get into. Even someone as dumb as me can see that I'm a giant failure!
Phil: Haley, stop, okay? Haley, let me tell you something. You have value, talent, and potential that their tests can't measure. Who cares if you don't fit into their little box. You're finding your way. That's what your 20s are for, to take chances... To- To make mistakes and to learn from them, and you are learning from them. The fact that you won't push this button proves that.
Haley: That was really sweet, Dad. I can't believe I was gonna hit you over the head with that chair.
Claire: Sorry we're late. Traffic, you know.
Phil: I keep telling you to try Waze, but you're scared of technology, and you shouldn't be.
Claire: We're merging Pritchett's with a high-tech closet company.
Phil: Excellent. And, Gloria, you speak often of your passion for ventriloquism.
Gloria: It's been a long day, Phil.
Phil: This one needs more time.
Gloria: So you don't feel guilty?
Jay: For what? Not sharing this thirty-year-old Scotch with Phil? He mixes it with 7up, Gloria. It's a hate crime.
Phil: God, you guys look great.
Gloria: [flat accent] Thank you, Phil. I try my best. You look very dead-like.
Jay: Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, Jay. For now on, I only speakin' proper American so I don't embarrass you.
Phil: Did she just get back from the dentist?
Jay: She's mad at me because I told her sometimes people can't understand her.
Phil: Make it right, Jay. We're all just hanging by a thread.
Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!
Phil: Sometimes life can be simpler than we think. We're born. We die. And in between, if we're lucky, we laugh. Which makes the journey worth taking. With that in mind, do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I know, take Lorraine to be your long-suffering wife?
Frank: I do.
Phil: You may kiss the tomato.