Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Phil: Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me? I think concerts are rad. Hello! I was a Hall-raiser.
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. "Rich Girl" just spoke to me. I was dating this girl.
Not, not dating. I guess I was following her, too, kind of.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight. It's-It's very stressful.
Mitchell: Uh, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on that flight with you, and I don't recall- Oh, I get it. You're talking about me. That's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [northern English accent] I just want to dance at the ballet!

Pepper: Have you lost your mind?! [rotates flower arrangement by about 10 degrees] Go! You disgust me! Go!

Phil: Well, what were you doing at 20?
Claire: Me? I was getting a 4.0 in college. I was working 25 hours a week. I was volunteering at a suicide hotline. [shouting at Haley] Get off the couch! Do something with your life!
Phil: Was it an assisted suicide hotline?

Haley: [in her car] "'Kay"? Who says "'kay"?! You're so stupid! [horn honks] Go! Go around! Go around! I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere! I am not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Mr. Gavin Sinclair, I'm not going anywhere. You're about to see me. I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere! I'm not going anywhere.

Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!

Mitchell: Are... Are you awake?
Cameron: I slept for six minutes two hours ago. I'm gonna have to take a sleeping pill, which means you're gonna have to hide my car keys, laptop, and Reba McEntire wig.

Phil: I wanna show you something.
Claire: Let me guess. It's a copy of The Book Thief that I begged you to read but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.
Phil: Remember this?
Claire: Uh-huh.
Phil: It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.
Claire: God, I hated that ponytail.
Phil: I know. You said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer, so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.
Claire: I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life.
Phil: No, no. You're the witch who saved me. Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You've changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a salad here and there but I've got Claire all over me.
Claire: You're about to.

Manny: Notes from the road. Alternate title, The United States of me. Fear Friend or Foe? As children, we're taught to fear what can hurt us. But as adults, we're expected to conquer what we're afraid of. So what are fears? Do they keep us alive? Or do they keep us from living?
Haley: Hey! You're blocking the driveway. Hit the road already.
Manny: Okay, I'm going.

Luke: [aside to camera] Grandpa got me a job at his country club, and I've been cleaning up in tips. I also like the way those guys talk. There's actually an ethnic slur for Norwegians. It's ice [bleep]ers.

Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?

Jay: The first step in plane building, organize the parts. You got your power plant. You got your fuselage. You got your control surfaces. What's that?
Manny: A charcuterie. You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
Jay: That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years. [chuckles] They're killing themselves with that name.

Jay: Excuse me. Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea. But, uh, what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I've been trying all my life to get it right, I'm still screwing up. Right, Manny?
Manny: I wrote a song about you in the car.
Jay: Of course you did. Uh, anyway, I'm happy for you. And, uh, you should know that, uh, I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back. [confused murmurs] It's supposed to sound better in Spanish.
Gloria: Voy a ser la brisa en tu espalda, no quien to escupa en la frente. [I will be the breeze on your back, not who spits in the forehead.]

Mitchell: Um, it's really embarrassing. Uh, I ran into this guy who works at the bait shop.
Jay: Is that a gay bar?
Mitchell: No, an actual bait shop. And I came on to him years ago. It turns out he was straight. And I'm... I'm still traumatized by it.
Jay: Let me give you some advice. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it. You got that?
Mitchell: Wait. What?
Jay: Go talk to the guy. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it, and you take away its power.
Mitchell: That's actually not the worst advice.
Jay: It's great advice. In fact, you should write it down. It feels quotable.
Mitchell: You know what? I am. I'm going back there.
Jay: You got this, Mitchell. Just think of it as one more time when your dad helped you out with all this gay business.

Jay: What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was Dad up in the stands giving me the old "be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Mary-Jo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 am at the kitchen table and my old man's telling me, "Eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like, like I didn't love him. But he knew. He had to know, right?
Gloria: Of course he did.
Jay: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.

Doug: Why is it taking you so long? How hard is it to paint a wall?
Luke: A lot harder than your so-called singing. At least this is supposed to be flat.
Doug: I once saw a monkey paint a wall.
Luke: Yeah? Did you say, "Good job, mom"?

Phil: Hi, Gloria, how are you? What a beautiful dress!
Gloria: Thank you, Phil!
Phil: Oh, okay. [reaches out to touch Gloria's dress, Claire slaps his hand away]
Claire: Phil! That's how she says "Phil," not "feel!"

Manny: [recording] My name is Manny Delgado, and I'm two people. I'm the child of an immigrant single mother, who taught me to believe in myself and dream big. I'm also the step-son of a businessman who opened his home and his heart to me and showed me, by example, how to make those dreams come true. Whatever I am, whatever I have to give, is a product of these two very different worlds.

Phil: [aside to camera] It goes without saying that the Butler's escape is one of the most challenging feats of escapology an illusionist can perform. It's- It's based, of course, on the well-known story of the Earl of Flanning's manservant Percy, who was imprisoned in the Tower of London, and as we all know, refused to take off his uniform when he was shackled. Famously, as the, uh, tower guard Gert slept, Percy freed himself and leapt over the sleeping guard, giving rise to the popular expression... [looks to Claire] "Percy jumped the Gert."