Jay: It's cute, that grown-up routine Manny's putting on to impress his girlfriend.
Gloria: She's not his girlfriend. She's his teacher.
Jay: Gloria, he brought her home when he thought no one would be around.
Gloria: Manny has been bringing his teachers home since he was a little kid. His 9th birthday party turned into a PTA meeting.

Claire: Ready for your big camping trip? You sure you got everything you need?
Phil: Everything but the one thing I'd truly be lost without... Your Camry. My GPS is broken. Can we trade cars?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I recently left my real-estate partners to strike out on my own. But before facing the wilds of the housing market, I'm gonna boost my confidence with six rugged nights of camping at Yosemite National Park and one at the Kawayu Lodge. I'm- I'm concerned, of course, about readjusting to civilization, so I've reserved the garden suite in case I'm more comfortable sleeping outside.

Mitchell: You'll really believe anything, won't you?
Cameron: I will not.
Mitchell: Really? Okay. Um, hey, remember when you had your grandmother ship us a certain Appalachian hex poppet because you thought our house had evil spirits?
Cameron: Okay, yeah. Do you have a better explanation of why there were cries and giggles echoing through our walls?
Mitchell: Yes. Our contractor found this in one of the vents. Listen [toy cooing, laughing; Cameron gasps]
Yeah, I think it's one of those dolls they give high-school girls who are high risk for getting pregnant?
Cameron: When would one of those girls have been in this house?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I think I was babysitting Lily, and I kinda remember it turning into a party situation. You know, I sort of recall the air conditioning blasting and I had to shove something in the vent to block it, which was pretty responsible, considering my friend Alicia brought her actual baby there.

Jay: You're gonna love it, Joe. My dad took me to an air show like this for my 12th birthday. We saw Blue Angels, fighter jets, a B-52 bomber.
Joe: Something got bombed?
Jay: Well, my dad. He got in a drinking contest with some fly boys. But that just made it extra fun, 'cause I got to drive us home.

Gloria: Joe, why is the fort still in the middle of the living room?
Joe: I need it.
Gloria: For what? Apaches? Are you being attacked?
Joe: Feels like it.

Cameron: Oh, it must be Halloween, because somebody's passing out snickers! Shane?
Shane: Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Cameron: Oh, it's okay, Shane. I know your type. Tough guy. Know it all. It's like looking in a mirror. That's right, Shane. I was you. Till a local sheriff put me in jail. In a little program called Scared Straight, which, now that I'm saying it out loud, could have had a double meaning. 24 hours in the joint with some of the most dangerous characters this side of Hell. Maybe, uh... Maybe you'd like to meet some of them. [shouts, gruff voice] I don't know what you're lookin' at, 'cause I don't ever remember sellin' you a lookin' license! [high-pitched voice] Hey, it must be 5:00 a.m. outside the McDonald's, because the fresh meat just got delivered! And the Weasel likes fresh meat! [gruff voice] Hey, you back off him! That new boy's mine!

Phil: [recording] Survival vlog, entry one. After a five-mile hike and ride down some rapids, I've decided to make my camp here. The rapids were treacherous. I took on water and quickly realized my only chance for survival was to push my companion overboard my constant companion: fear.

Gloria: Oh, please. Everybody wants to touch those cheeks. He looks like one of those babies that blow a cloud across the ceiling of a church.

Lily: Careful.
Mitchell: How many times have I told you not to leave this here? Someone's gonna trip on it.
Lily: There's a lot going on with me right now. My body's changing.
Mitchell: Okay. You always use that.

Phil: [recording] Survival vlog number two. Um... I descended into the water attempting to retrieve my gear. I encountered slippery rocks [insect buzzing], a cold, brisk current, and although I have no photographic evidence of it, a sea serpent. My ensuing thrashing stunned a passing trout. I then foraged some wild blueberries and honey from what turned out to be a not [chuckles] altogether abandoned hive. Just goes to show you I don't need all that fancy equipment. Phil Dunphy can survive in the wild, even- [animal roaring in the distance] Ha! Ha! That sounded big, didn't it? Good thing I smell like berries, honey, and raw fish, so I'm basically all three courses of a bear's favorite meal! [bear growling in the distance]