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31Quotes from ‘Tough Love’

Modern Family: Tough Love

909. Tough Love

Aired December 6, 2017

After leaving his real estate firm, Phil decides to take a trip into the wilderness. Claire gets behind the wheel of a big rig when another problem at work lands on her desk. Meanwhile, Mitchell thinks Cameron is too gullible, and Gloria is torn between denial and anger when Manny comes home with an older woman.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: It's cute, that grown-up routine Manny's putting on to impress his girlfriend.
Gloria: She's not his girlfriend. She's his teacher.
Jay: Gloria, he brought her home when he thought no one would be around.
Gloria: Manny has been bringing his teachers home since he was a little kid. His 9th birthday party turned into a PTA meeting.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You're gonna love it, Joe. My dad took me to an air show like this for my 12th birthday. We saw Blue Angels, fighter jets, a B-52 bomber.
Joe: Something got bombed?
Jay: Well, my dad. He got in a drinking contest with some fly boys. But that just made it extra fun, 'cause I got to drive us home.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Joe, why is the fort still in the middle of the living room?
Joe: I need it.
Gloria: For what? Apaches? Are you being attacked?
Joe: Feels like it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, it must be Halloween, because somebody's passing out snickers! Shane?
Shane: Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Cameron: Oh, it's okay, Shane. I know your type. Tough guy. Know it all. It's like looking in a mirror. That's right, Shane. I was you. Till a local sheriff put me in jail. In a little program called Scared Straight, which, now that I'm saying it out loud, could have had a double meaning. 24 hours in the joint with some of the most dangerous characters this side of Hell. Maybe, uh... Maybe you'd like to meet some of them. [shouts, gruff voice] I don't know what you're lookin' at, 'cause I don't ever remember sellin' you a lookin' license! [high-pitched voice] Hey, it must be 5:00 a.m. outside the McDonald's, because the fresh meat just got delivered! And the Weasel likes fresh meat! [gruff voice] Hey, you back off him! That new boy's mine!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [recording] Survival vlog, entry one. After a five-mile hike and ride down some rapids, I've decided to make my camp here. The rapids were treacherous. I took on water and quickly realized my only chance for survival was to push my companion overboard my constant companion: fear.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Oh, please. Everybody wants to touch those cheeks. He looks like one of those babies that blow a cloud across the ceiling of a church.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Careful.
Mitchell: How many times have I told you not to leave this here? Someone's gonna trip on it.
Lily: There's a lot going on with me right now. My body's changing.
Mitchell: Okay. You always use that.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [recording] Survival vlog number two. Um... I descended into the water attempting to retrieve my gear. I encountered slippery rocks [insect buzzing], a cold, brisk current, and although I have no photographic evidence of it, a sea serpent. My ensuing thrashing stunned a passing trout. I then foraged some wild blueberries and honey from what turned out to be a not [chuckles] altogether abandoned hive. Just goes to show you I don't need all that fancy equipment. Phil Dunphy can survive in the wild, even- [animal roaring in the distance] Ha! Ha! That sounded big, didn't it? Good thing I smell like berries, honey, and raw fish, so I'm basically all three courses of a bear's favorite meal! [bear growling in the distance]

Quote from Phil

Phil: [answers phone] Hello?
Claire: Oh, hi, honey! I've been out of cell range for most of the day. I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing.
Phil: Oh. Great, great. The air, the, uh, the trees... Moss only grows on the north side of trees, right? I feel like I might be walking in circles. Is there something called, uh, fool's moss?
Claire: I don't know. You sound out of breath. Is everything okay?
Phil: No, Claire, I'm worried that a bear or even a family of bears is hunting me. Of course I'm okay. I've only been out here for a couple hours. Uh, uh, what kind of man do you think I am?
Claire: Well, it sounds like we're both having an adventure. I just got on a scale, and guess how much I weigh. 5 tons!
Phil: Yeah, well, we all put on a few around the holidays. Mwah! Let me call you back a little later. Meanwhile, uh, I am sending you a pic of me enjoying nature at my last known location in my very identifiable red Gore-Tex jacket. Anyhoo, leave a check out for the gardener, and you gave my life meaning.

Quote from Jay

Jay: But you like Karen, right?
Manny: A lot, but, I mean bad enough she's older than I am, she's also a movement professor.
Jay: I swear to God, before today, I'd never heard those two words together. Now it's all I hear.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Glad you enjoyed the film, boys. Now you can be in one of your own!
Shane: What the hell are you doing?!
Cameron: My job. I guess I really am a vice principal. A Miami vice principal No, I guess it doesn't really need the "Miami," does it.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Finally! Where have you been?
Mitchell: I have been out walking Cal and guess who's right behind me.
Lily: Actually, I've been the one who-
Mitchell: Who will be going to Disneyland if she plays her cards right.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Ready for your big camping trip? You sure you got everything you need?
Phil: Everything but the one thing I'd truly be lost without... Your Camry. My GPS is broken. Can we trade cars?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I recently left my real-estate partners to strike out on my own. But before facing the wilds of the housing market, I'm gonna boost my confidence with six rugged nights of camping at Yosemite National Park and one at the Kawayu Lodge. I'm- I'm concerned, of course, about readjusting to civilization, so I've reserved the garden suite in case I'm more comfortable sleeping outside.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: You'll really believe anything, won't you?
Cameron: I will not.
Mitchell: Really? Okay. Um, hey, remember when you had your grandmother ship us a certain Appalachian hex poppet because you thought our house had evil spirits?
Cameron: Okay, yeah. Do you have a better explanation of why there were cries and giggles echoing through our walls?
Mitchell: Yes. Our contractor found this in one of the vents. Listen [toy cooing, laughing; Cameron gasps]
Yeah, I think it's one of those dolls they give high-school girls who are high risk for getting pregnant?
Cameron: When would one of those girls have been in this house?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I think I was babysitting Lily, and I kinda remember it turning into a party situation. You know, I sort of recall the air conditioning blasting and I had to shove something in the vent to block it, which was pretty responsible, considering my friend Alicia brought her actual baby there.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What's what's wrong with her? Should I get the hex poppet?
Pam: I'm just cry-talking. I threw my neck out changing Cal. Now whenever I move, all of me comes with it.
Cameron: Oh, gosh. Oh, you know what? Why don't you let us take baby Cal, and you go get yourself a rubdown.
Pam: You're an angel. Shouldn't be but a few hours.
Mitchell: [whispers] Hey, are you an even bigger rube than I thought? There's nothing wrong with her neck. [normal voice] Oh my God, the baby!
Pam: What?! [neck cracks] No! [pained whimpering]
Mitchell: He- He winked at me.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Well, it's always very nice to meet one of Manny's teachers. Why don't I get us something to drink and maybe some delicious brownies that I was about to throw away because they're only for the good children!
Joe: Keep your brownies!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] The dentist says your new mouth guard should be there tomorrow. Alex, I am sure you can make it through one night I-I don't know, hit the materials lab and whip up some mouth flubber.

Quote from Claire

Margaret: Oh, Claire, thank goodness. There was a bit of a trucking mix-up. Irving was sent to Julian and can't get to Visalia.
Claire: Well, send Dustin to Visalia and have Irving hit Julian and Ramona.
Margaret: Dustin can't hit Visalia and also Irvine.
Claire: Well, can Julia hit Irvine?
Margaret: Not Irvine and Tustin.
Claire: Fine Send Julia to Julian, Ramón to Ramona, Dustin to Tustin, Irving to Irvine, and I'll drive the damn truck to Visalia!
Margaret: You?
Claire: Yes, of course me, Margaret! 'Cause I have to handle everything anyhow! If not me, who?
Margaret: Oh, no. Mi Hu is going to Carlsbad.

Quote from Gloria

[As Luke watches the video of Cameron's detention:]
Luke: Oh, Uncle Cam. "Like."
[cut to Gloria's kitchen where she's watching the video:]
Cameron: [Irish accent] My friend, Billy. Billy Club.
Gloria: Ay, Cam. "Like."

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What kind of schools allow a teacher to date a student?
Jay: I'm guessing any art school.
Gloria: He can't date a 30-year-old. Manny's still a child.
Jay: Manny wasn't a child when I met him. Look, there was a 10-year period where there was at least one empty chair at my house every Thanksgiving because I had a lot to say about who Mitchell and Claire were dating. So learn from my one and only parental mistake.

Quote from Cameron

Shane: Look, I'm, uh, sorry. I just really need these kids to accept me.
Cameron: No, Shane, you don't. Because they're popular, you think you need their approval.
Shane: [sighs] I'm a cop.
Cameron: Oh, are you, now?
Shane: There's concern about some drug traffic at this school. I am here, undercover, to shut it down.
Cameron: [mockingly] Okay, yeah. Okay, well, I kind of always knew you were police.
Shane: Well, sure. You're law enforcement, too. We know our own.
Cameron: Cop eyes.
Shane: Cop eyes.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. So what's the play?
Shane: There's this new designer drug called Dexomorphone.
Cameron: Mm-hmm.
Shane: Kids are calling them "Dum-Dums." So there's this big deal going down tonight on the north campus during the basketball game.
Cameron: And you want my help with the bust.
Shane: Yes. By being nowhere near there. I don't want to spook these dealers.
Cameron: Copy that. But in case you need backup, I should be near north campus.
Shane: Or nowhere near there.
Cameron: Or there but slouched down in my car so no one sees me.
Shane: Or at your house.
Cameron: Right.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: So, I shouldn't be telling you this, but Shane, the guy who shot the video, is actually an undercover cop.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: Yeah, and he did the video to sort of, like, humiliate me to get some street cred. And there's a big drug deal going on tonight, but he wants me to steer clear.
Mitchell: Is anyone else aware of Shane's "21 Jump Street" double life?
Cameron: Well, he's not gonna broadcast it out loud for everyone.
Mitchell: But you did get some paperwork or identification?
Cameron: Okay. You know what? I think it's hilarious that the person you don't trust is a hero, who's helping fight the Dexomorphone problem that's plaguing-
Mitchell: I'm sorry. What?
Cameron: The street name is "Dum-Dums," and Shane says there's literally Dum-Dums everywhere.
Mitchell: Okay. So, Shane, not a 16-year-old drug dealer who enjoys humiliating you but a baby-faced police officer, has deputized you, and your first assignment is to stay as far away as possible from a huge "Dum-Dum" deal that's about to go down? Cam, I mean, come I love how trusting you are, but when you start missing things that are that obvious [realizes he's been wheeling a doll around in the stroller], then, well, you know, I don't have to say anything more.

Quote from Mitchell

Manny: You know, um Mom really surprised me before. This is the first time she's treating me like an adult. And Karen's great. I mean, It's nice to be with a mature woman, someone with experience.
Gloria: So you two haven't slept together, huh?
Manny: She suggested we come here. I said fine. You don't know how relieved I was you guys were home. But then Mom was so cool with it. I mean, where's the crazy Colombian the one time I need her?

Quote from Joe

Jay: Joe?! You ready to talk?
Joe: [o.s.] For oatmeal raisin? Don't waste my time.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You didn't sound so good on the phone. I called the hotel, and they said you checked in early. Honey, I know I like to complain about people coming to me to solve their problems, but don't you dare not come to me with yours.
Phil: By the way, if you don't want people to come to you to solve their problems all the time, maybe don't be so good at it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You okay?
Gloria: Joe is sleeping in a fort downstairs, and Manny's upstairs sleeping with a doctor. I don't know what the rules are anymore.
Jay: No one does, but for what it's worth, I think you made the right call.
Gloria: I am at least winning one of these fights.
Jay: Storming the fort?
Gloria: I'm gonna go and drag him out of there and put him in his bed. I'm still bigger than Joe, even though that Manny's, like...
Jay: Trust me. The little boy in Manny isn't gone yet.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Where's my little angel?
Mitchell: Oh, hey, hey! Tell me about your rubdown, huh? [drops something] Oh!
Pam: Oh, boy! Oh, I cant get it. Now I'm so free and loose I cant pick up anything, move around. Yep, I'm like an owl.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Uh... Only because I am picturing myself in a line of people sweeping the woods with flashlights, are you sure a week in the woods is a good idea?
Phil: Sweetheart, if anything, I'm over prepared. I have two weeks worth of food, water purifiers a flare gun.
Claire: Oh, don't wave that thing around in the house.
Phil: Give me a little bit of credit. I'm not gonna shoot off a flare gun in the house. [inflates air mattress]

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Hey, Lily, the library is saying that "Stripey the Zebracorn" is two months overdue? What what's that about?
Lily: We have a new librarian, and she's a little... She's been drunk e-mailing a lot.
Cameron: Oh, that poor thing.
Mitchell: Lily, go find that book. And the fine's coming out of your allowance.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Today, I have to oversee my first detention as acting vice principal, and I'm I've just been racking my brain of how I'm gonna reach these kids.
Mitchell: It's, uh, detention. How about "shut up and do your homework"?


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