TV Quotes

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I do have something of value: a "Spiderman vs. Doctor Octopus" comic book. Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition. It's worth 5 grand. I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old, and my dad was mad because the football was signed by Dan Marino. I said, "Get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it."

Cameron: Oh, no. My nephews are flying in from Tulsa, the big ones.
Mitchell: The pie eaters?
Cameron: That's it. I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: This here is a belt buckle once worn by the great Wyatt Earp. My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years old, and he said,"Son, this will keep the bad guys away." In my early 20s, I wore it to a cowboys-and-indians disco party. And let's just say it didn't. [giggles]

Mitchell: Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.
Cameron: Like what?
Mitchell: Uh, the centerpieces?
Cameron: Why even have a wedding?
Mitchell: I don't know, Cam. Because we love and respect each other and we're raising a child together?
Cameron: Maybe we could send un-vitations. Is that a thing?
Mitchell: We've already made a lot of people angry by just being able to get married. Let's not alienate the ones on our side.

Gloria: I'm so sorry, but I am sure that Jay can help you two out.
Mitchell: No, no, no, no, no. We want to do this on our own.
Jay: Can I ask you a question? Why are you having such a big thing anyway?
Mitchell: Well, because we're only getting married once.
Jay: I'm just saying, why do you need to make into a spectacle?
Mitchell: A s- A spectacle?
Jay: This could be the universe's way of telling you to bring it down a notch. Invite your family, your friend Pepper, and, what's his name, the... the... the flouncy one? Uh, L'David.
Mitchell: I don't have a flouncy friend named L'David, dad.
Cameron: Do- Do you mean L'Michael or J'Marcus? I'm not sure who you're referring to.

Manny: Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again. Jay, check out this cartoon.
Jay: Does it have a talking dog?
Manny: No, it's a commentary-
Jay: I'm out!

Cameron: Oh, no.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: The Tonys are coming.
Mitchell: Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you watching them. You're already so angry.
Cameron: Not that Tonys. Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony. They're coming to the wedding. But, seriously, another revival of "Anything Goes"?
Lily: Are we really doing this again?
Mitchell: I'm surprised that they're coming, because when I mentioned the wedding to Tony, he seemed completely disinterested. Oh, the Botox.

Phil: Oh, Zima!
Luke: What's Zima?
Phil: Just a party in a bottle. Man, that reminds me of some wild times. [covers Luke's ears] Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn before me and my buddies snuck some "Z" into "Sleepless in Seattle."
Haley: I wish you'd covered my ears for that.

Alex: Ooh, Mom. Who's this hottie with his arm around you?
Haley: Cute!
Claire: Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.
Haley: Why'd you break up with him? For Dad?
Phil: Let's just say he took his eye off the ball and struck out. So I stepped up to the plate and nailed her in the cheap seats.
Claire: Yeah, let's not say that.

Claire: Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug store. Do you need anything?
Phil: No, thank you, my dear. The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I need. Except for, uh, foot spray. Could you grab me some of that?
Claire: Sure.

Luke: What's this?
Claire: Oh, my gosh. That is your father's answering machine from college.
Luke: God, I sometimes forget how old you guys are.
Phil: [answering machine message] You've reached Phil's world! Party time! Excellent! Schwing!