TV Quotes

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I do have something of value: a "Spiderman vs. Doctor Octopus" comic book. Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition. It's worth 5 grand. I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old, and my dad was mad because the football was signed by Dan Marino. I said, "Get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it."

Cameron: Oh, no. My nephews are flying in from Tulsa, the big ones.
Mitchell: The pie eaters?
Cameron: That's it. I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: This here is a belt buckle once worn by the great Wyatt Earp. My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years old, and he said,"Son, this will keep the bad guys away." In my early 20s, I wore it to a cowboys-and-indians disco party. And let's just say it didn't. [giggles]

Mitchell: Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.
Cameron: Like what?
Mitchell: Uh, the centerpieces?
Cameron: Why even have a wedding?
Mitchell: I don't know, Cam. Because we love and respect each other and we're raising a child together?
Cameron: Maybe we could send un-vitations. Is that a thing?
Mitchell: We've already made a lot of people angry by just being able to get married. Let's not alienate the ones on our side.

Gloria: I'm so sorry, but I am sure that Jay can help you two out.
Mitchell: No, no, no, no, no. We want to do this on our own.
Jay: Can I ask you a question? Why are you having such a big thing anyway?
Mitchell: Well, because we're only getting married once.
Jay: I'm just saying, why do you need to make into a spectacle?
Mitchell: A s- A spectacle?
Jay: This could be the universe's way of telling you to bring it down a notch. Invite your family, your friend Pepper, and, what's his name, the... the... the flouncy one? Uh, L'David.
Mitchell: I don't have a flouncy friend named L'David, dad.
Cameron: Do- Do you mean L'Michael or J'Marcus? I'm not sure who you're referring to.

Manny: Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again. Jay, check out this cartoon.
Jay: Does it have a talking dog?
Manny: No, it's a commentary-
Jay: I'm out!

Cameron: Oh, no.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: The Tonys are coming.
Mitchell: Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you watching them. You're already so angry.
Cameron: Not that Tonys. Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony. They're coming to the wedding. But, seriously, another revival of "Anything Goes"?
Lily: Are we really doing this again?
Mitchell: I'm surprised that they're coming, because when I mentioned the wedding to Tony, he seemed completely disinterested. Oh, the Botox.

Phil: Oh, Zima!
Luke: What's Zima?
Phil: Just a party in a bottle. Man, that reminds me of some wild times. [covers Luke's ears] Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn before me and my buddies snuck some "Z" into "Sleepless in Seattle."
Haley: I wish you'd covered my ears for that.

Alex: Ooh, Mom. Who's this hottie with his arm around you?
Haley: Cute!
Claire: Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.
Haley: Why'd you break up with him? For Dad?
Phil: Let's just say he took his eye off the ball and struck out. So I stepped up to the plate and nailed her in the cheap seats.
Claire: Yeah, let's not say that.

Claire: Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug store. Do you need anything?
Phil: No, thank you, my dear. The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I need. Except for, uh, foot spray. Could you grab me some of that?
Claire: Sure.

Luke: What's this?
Claire: Oh, my gosh. That is your father's answering machine from college.
Luke: God, I sometimes forget how old you guys are.
Phil: [answering machine message] You've reached Phil's world! Party time! Excellent! Schwing!

Ling: [on Phil's old answering machine] Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling. Grab your rollerblades and meet us at the bike path, playa! But I got to be done by 3:00, 'cause today's the day I fly my new helicopter.

Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Phil, hey, it's Claire. Um... I need to tell you something, and I don't want to do it on your machine. It's really important-
Claire: Oh, no, no, no.
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] You know, life-and-death important.
Claire: Come on. Come on.
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Not death, um, just life. I mean I just- Oh, hell, I'm pregnant!
Claire: Oh, sweet newlyweds!
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Don't worry. You don't have to marry me or anything. Let's talk as soon as you can. Why weren't we more careful? Stupid Duran Duran concert.

Gloria: Manny, what are you doing sitting in front of a pickle?
Manny: Jay says I can't leave until I taste it.
Gloria: Why do you torture him like this?
Jay: 'Cause he's too stuck in his ways, Gloria. This is good for him. He'll taste the pickle, he'll find that he likes it, he'll try more things. This is good parenting.
Manny: This is not going to play well in my memoir.

Gloria: You know, you're one to talk. How many times have I asked you to try my mother's blood sausages?
Jay: Totally different. That's disgusting.
Gloria: How do you know it's disgusting if you've never tried it?
Manny: You've never tried grandma's delicious blood sausage that's right there in the freezer?
Gloria: Oh, you're right. We do have some left over.
Jay: Really? It hasn't been all gobbled up yet?
Gloria: Okay, Mr. Father of the Year, time for you to show Manny that you're not a hypocrite.
Manny: Looks like you're in quite a conundrum.
Jay: You know, you could've said-
Manny: "A pickle"! Dang it! It was right there.

Jay: Fine, we'll all conquer something today.
Gloria: What do I have to conquer? I eat everything.
Jay: Pet Stella's belly.
Gloria: What?
Jay: You won't touch Stella's belly.
Gloria: Yeah, because it's the creepiest thing ever. Has like 30 nipples.
Jay: I'll eat the blood sausage, Manny eats the pickles, you pet her belly.
Gloria: I'd rather eat the dog.