‘Message Received’ Quotes
522. Message Received
Aired May 7, 2014
As their wedding day approaches and the expenses pile up, Mitchell and Cameron try to raise some extra money. After Phil and Claire uncover his old answering machine, the kids play a prank on their parents. Meanwhile, Jay, Manny and Gloria try to step outside their comfort zones and try something new.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] I do have something of value: a "Spiderman vs. Doctor Octopus" comic book. Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition. It's worth 5 grand. I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old, and my dad was mad because the football was signed by Dan Marino. I said, "Get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it."
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Oh, no. My nephews are flying in from Tulsa, the big ones.
Mitchell: The pie eaters?
Cameron: That's it. I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: This here is a belt buckle once worn by the great Wyatt Earp. My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years old, and he said,"Son, this will keep the bad guys away." In my early 20s, I wore it to a cowboys-and-indians disco party. And let's just say it didn't. [giggles]
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.
Cameron: Like what?
Mitchell: Uh, the centerpieces?
Cameron: Why even have a wedding?
Mitchell: I don't know, Cam. Because we love and respect each other and we're raising a child together?
Cameron: Maybe we could send un-vitations. Is that a thing?
Mitchell: We've already made a lot of people angry by just being able to get married. Let's not alienate the ones on our side.
Quote from Manny
Manny: Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again. Jay, check out this cartoon.
Jay: Does it have a talking dog?
Manny: No, it's a commentary-
Jay: I'm out!
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Oh, no.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: The Tonys are coming.
Mitchell: Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you watching them. You're already so angry.
Cameron: Not that Tonys. Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony. They're coming to the wedding. But, seriously, another revival of "Anything Goes"?
Lily: Are we really doing this again?
Mitchell: I'm surprised that they're coming, because when I mentioned the wedding to Tony, he seemed completely disinterested. Oh, the Botox.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Oh, Zima!
Luke: What's Zima?
Phil: Just a party in a bottle. Man, that reminds me of some wild times. [covers Luke's ears] Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn before me and my buddies snuck some "Z" into "Sleepless in Seattle."
Haley: I wish you'd covered my ears for that.
Quote from Phil
Alex: Ooh, Mom. Who's this hottie with his arm around you?
Haley: Cute!
Claire: Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.
Haley: Why'd you break up with him? For Dad?
Phil: Let's just say he took his eye off the ball and struck out. So I stepped up to the plate and nailed her in the cheap seats.
Claire: Yeah, let's not say that.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug store. Do you need anything?
Phil: No, thank you, my dear. The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I need. Except for, uh, foot spray. Could you grab me some of that?
Claire: Sure.
Quote from Phil
Luke: What's this?
Claire: Oh, my gosh. That is your father's answering machine from college.
Luke: God, I sometimes forget how old you guys are.
Phil: [answering machine message] You've reached Phil's world! Party time! Excellent! Schwing!
Quote from Phil
Ling: [on Phil's old answering machine] Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling. Grab your rollerblades and meet us at the bike path, playa! But I got to be done by 3:00, 'cause today's the day I fly my new helicopter.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Phil, hey, it's Claire. Um... I need to tell you something, and I don't want to do it on your machine. It's really important-
Claire: Oh, no, no, no.
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] You know, life-and-death important.
Claire: Come on. Come on.
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Not death, um, just life. I mean I just- Oh, hell, I'm pregnant!
Claire: Oh, sweet newlyweds!
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Don't worry. You don't have to marry me or anything. Let's talk as soon as you can. Why weren't we more careful? Stupid Duran Duran concert.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: Manny, what are you doing sitting in front of a pickle?
Manny: Jay says I can't leave until I taste it.
Gloria: Why do you torture him like this?
Jay: 'Cause he's too stuck in his ways, Gloria. This is good for him. He'll taste the pickle, he'll find that he likes it, he'll try more things. This is good parenting.
Manny: This is not going to play well in my memoir.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: You know, you're one to talk. How many times have I asked you to try my mother's blood sausages?
Jay: Totally different. That's disgusting.
Gloria: How do you know it's disgusting if you've never tried it?
Manny: You've never tried grandma's delicious blood sausage that's right there in the freezer?
Gloria: Oh, you're right. We do have some left over.
Jay: Really? It hasn't been all gobbled up yet?
Gloria: Okay, Mr. Father of the Year, time for you to show Manny that you're not a hypocrite.
Manny: Looks like you're in quite a conundrum.
Jay: You know, you could've said-
Manny: "A pickle"! Dang it! It was right there.
Quote from Gloria
Jay: Fine, we'll all conquer something today.
Gloria: What do I have to conquer? I eat everything.
Jay: Pet Stella's belly.
Gloria: What?
Jay: You won't touch Stella's belly.
Gloria: Yeah, because it's the creepiest thing ever. Has like 30 nipples.
Jay: I'll eat the blood sausage, Manny eats the pickles, you pet her belly.
Gloria: I'd rather eat the dog.
Quote from Gloria
Mitchell: Sorry to barge in here like this. I guess it's weird that, uh, I'm still storing stuff here.
Gloria: I just wish you would have come in sooner before I went to second base with Stella.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: You know, it's funny, I never saw you as a comic-book guy.
Mitchell: Oh, no, I wasn't, but I don't know. Spider-man, he... he spoke to me. I- I think it's because it's about this nerdy kid who has this special secret side of himself that he can't share with anybody, and- And that's how I always felt. Spider-man made me feel like it was okay to be different. And It made me fee tough enough to- to get through the rough times.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet. I didn't know that. Are you sure you want to sell it?
Mitchell: Yes, yes. Because, like Spider-man I am brave and strong. Oh! Spider web! Spider web!
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: It's in my mouth!
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: God! It's ruined.
Cameron: Mitchell, it's okay. It probably wasn't worth that much anyway.
Mitchell: It was worth $5,000! Your belt buckle is garbage. It came from a gas station! Your grandfather never met Wyatt Earp!
Cameron: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I didn't hold on to that for quite as long as I thought.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Hey, I'm sorry. I- I didn't mean to blurt it out like that.
Cameron: No, it's- It's okay. I kinda suspected the dates didn't line up. Now I'm starting to think that wasn't Amelia Earhart's compass.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: I'm so sorry, but I am sure that Jay can help you two out.
Mitchell: No, no, no, no, no. We want to do this on our own.
Jay: Can I ask you a question? Why are you having such a big thing anyway?
Mitchell: Well, because we're only getting married once.
Jay: I'm just saying, why do you need to make into a spectacle?
Mitchell: A s- A spectacle? This could be the universe's way of telling you to bring it down a notch. Invite your family, your friend Pepper, and, what's his name, the... the... the flouncy one? Uh, L'David.
Mitchell: I don't have a flouncy friend named L'David, dad.
Cameron: Do- Do you mean L'Michael or J'Marcus? I'm not sure who you're referring to.