‘Mother's Day’
Season 2, Episode 21 - Aired May 4, 2011
On Mother's Day, Claire and Gloria take their kids on a hike, revealing a few home truths. Cameron is upset that Mitchell thinks of him as the "mother" in their family. Meanwhile, Phil notices Jay crying as they cook one of his mother's recipes.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: [aside to camera] There's nothing gays hate more than when people...
Both: Treat us like women.
Cameron: We're not. We don't want to go to your baby shower. We don't have a time of the month. We don't love pink.
Mitchell: You love pink.
Cameron: No, pink loves me.
Quote from Jay
Jay: What the hell are those?
Phil: Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook. Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] Jay teared up in front of me. He'd never shown me that kind of vulnerability, and it embarrassed him. I'd shamed the proud lion. Only thing to do, hug the proud lion. Oh, I could get bit. I could get scratched. But you know what's inside every lion? A pussycat.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Enough complaining! You can't bitch all day because you're not at the beach all day!
Quote from Jay
Phil: Hey, Jay, you know what we should put in this? We should add a-
Jay: No. It's my mom's recipe. Whatever it says on the page goes in the pot. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, how long do I stir the beef and sausages? Read it to me.
Phil: [as Julia Child] "We should stir the beef and sausages for five minutes."
Jay: And how much longer do I have to listen to the Julia Child impression?
Phil: For as long as it's still funny.
Jay: I think the timer just went off on that.
Phil: That was unnecessary.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Ay, Manny, I didn't mean any of it. Please, forgive me.
Manny: I don't think I can. Let's just get in the van. Oh. Sorry for the rhyme. I know how you hate my poetry.
Gloria: Please, stop my suffering. Say something terrible about me so that we can be even like a Steven.
Manny: Why would I say something terrible to someone I love?
Gloria: I curse my tongue!
Quote from Haley
Haley: What are you wearing?
Claire: You don't remember this shirt? You made it for me for Mother's Day in kindergarten. It's adorable.
Haley: It's perverted. It looks like you were felt up by the creepy guy around the corner.
Alex: Ew! Why him?
Haley: Because he's got freakishly tiny hands.
Phil: Thank you.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: Oh, Jay! A diamond necklace. Thank you.
Jay: You deserve it. Go ahead, kid.
Manny: Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
Gloria: Ah!
Gloria: A necklace made of the Froot Loops. I love it.
Manny: I know they're not exactly diamonds, Mom.
Gloria: No, they're beautiful.
Jay: You know what? I got a confession to make. Those aren't real diamonds. No. Give them back. I'll get you some real ones later.
Manny: Dang it. Now I got to come clean. Those aren't real Froot Loops. They're generic.
Gloria: Now I have no presents again.
Quote from Luke
Alex: You know, there are coyotes in these woods. Did you pack a weapon?
Manny: I have a walking stick.
Luke: Does it become a sword?
Manny: I guess it can become a running stick.
Luke: Okay, you're gonna outrun a coyote? The fastest mammal in the world.
Manny: I'm not sure that's true. And how are you gonna fend 'em off with a Popsicle stick?
Luke: It's a spear, and it smells like lemon lime a flavor coyotes hate.
Manny: Where are you getting your information?
Quote from Cameron
Jen: We should do play group on weekends more often. It's nice to have the husbands around to help, right?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, because that makes all the sense in the world you as the husband.
Mitchell: That's not what she meant.
Cameron: Look at us. I could snap you like a twig.
Mitchell: Okay, every once in a while, you say that thing about the twig and I need you to know that it bothers me.