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40Quotes from ‘Mother's Day’

Modern Family: Mother's Day

221. Mother's Day

Aired May 4, 2011

On Mother's Day, Claire and Gloria take their kids on a hike, revealing a few home truths. Cameron is upset that Mitchell thinks of him as the "mother" in their family. Meanwhile, Phil notices Jay crying as they cook one of his mother's recipes.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's nothing gays hate more than when people...
Both: Treat us like women.
Cameron: We're not. We don't want to go to your baby shower. We don't have a time of the month. We don't love pink.
Mitchell: You love pink.
Cameron: No, pink loves me.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell are those?
Phil: Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook. Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Jay teared up in front of me. He'd never shown me that kind of vulnerability, and it embarrassed him. I'd shamed the proud lion. Only thing to do, hug the proud lion. Oh, I could get bit. I could get scratched. But you know what's inside every lion? A pussycat.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What are you wearing?
Claire: You don't remember this shirt? You made it for me for Mother's Day in kindergarten. It's adorable.
Haley: It's perverted. It looks like you were felt up by the creepy guy around the corner.
Alex: Ew! Why him?
Haley: Because he's got freakishly tiny hands.
Phil: Thank you.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Oh, Jay! A diamond necklace. Thank you.
Jay: You deserve it. Go ahead, kid.
Manny: Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
Gloria: Ah!
Gloria: A necklace made of the Froot Loops. I love it.
Manny: I know they're not exactly diamonds, Mom.
Gloria: No, they're beautiful.
Jay: You know what? I got a confession to make. Those aren't real diamonds. No. Give them back. I'll get you some real ones later.
Manny: Dang it. Now I got to come clean. Those aren't real Froot Loops. They're generic.
Gloria: Now I have no presents again.

Quote from Luke

Alex: You know, there are coyotes in these woods. Did you pack a weapon?
Manny: I have a walking stick.
Luke: Does it become a sword?
Manny: I guess it can become a running stick.
Luke: Okay, you're gonna outrun a coyote? The fastest mammal in the world.
Manny: I'm not sure that's true. And how are you gonna fend 'em off with a Popsicle stick?
Luke: It's a spear, and it smells like lemon lime a flavor coyotes hate.
Manny: Where are you getting your information?

Quote from Cameron

Jen: We should do play group on weekends more often. It's nice to have the husbands around to help, right?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, because that makes all the sense in the world you as the husband.
Mitchell: That's not what she meant.
Cameron: Look at us. I could snap you like a twig.
Mitchell: Okay, every once in a while, you say that thing about the twig and I need you to know that it bothers me.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Enough complaining! You can't bitch all day because you're not at the beach all day!

Quote from Jay

Phil: Hey, Jay, you know what we should put in this? We should add a-
Jay: No. It's my mom's recipe. Whatever it says on the page goes in the pot. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, how long do I stir the beef and sausages? Read it to me.
Phil: [as Julia Child] "We should stir the beef and sausages for five minutes."
Jay: And how much longer do I have to listen to the Julia Child impression?
Phil: For as long as it's still funny.
Jay: I think the timer just went off on that.
Phil: That was unnecessary.

Quote from Jay

Phil: What's this? What? Hey, Jay, maybe after this, we should make the perfect mom. All we need is a tablespoon of love, one cup of warmth. Add one heart, softened.
Jay: What the hell are you talking about?
Phil: This recipe for the perfect mom, by Jay Francis Pritchett, age nine.
Jay: Geez, I forgot all about that. I didn't know she had that in there.
Phil: What's that, Francis?
Jay: Nothing. How much longer on the meat?
Phil: Ohh. I love this part about "serves one small boy." It's adorable. Wow. A hundred and seventy five pounds of tenderness. She must have loved that. Big woman? Jay?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And that's when I saw it.
[back:]
Phil: Jay? Are- Are you crying?
Jay: No. It's the onions, damn it. Give me these. What are you looking at?
Phil: Nothing. Those really frame your face.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Okay, I don't want you to judge me, but I have to say something. Sometimes I wanna punch my kids.
Gloria: You don't mean that.
Claire: No, I do. I do. The last time they were horrible the way they were today they happened to be all lined up and I couldn't help but think if I hit just one of 'em the rest would go down like dominoes.
Gloria: Geez.
Claire: I know. That would rob me of the pleasure of hitting each one individually, but...

Quote from Luke

Luke: You know, more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War.
Alex: Okay, what book did you read that in?
Luke: Book? Wake up and smell the Internet, grandma.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, Manny, I didn't mean any of it. Please, forgive me.
Manny: I don't think I can. Let's just get in the van. Oh. Sorry for the rhyme. I know how you hate my poetry.
Gloria: Please, stop my suffering. Say something terrible about me so that we can be even like a Steven.
Manny: Why would I say something terrible to someone I love?
Gloria: I curse my tongue!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Here.
Cameron: What's this?
Mitchell: Well, it's a Mother's Day card. And I know- Stop it. Okay, Cam, that was Gloria's card from Manny. But I just wanted you to see what its definition for "mother" was on it. It's "warm," "nurturing ," "supportive." I- Maybe when the world sees you-
Cameron: Not just the world.
Mitchell: Fine. Fine. Me too. But maybe this is what we're seeing and I don't know why that's such a bad thing. It certainly doesn't make you less of a man. Right?
Cameron: Maybe you're right.
Mitchell: Yeah. Come on. Let's join the party. And, Cam, put down the scotch. You're not fooling anyone.
Cameron: It is so burn-y.

Quote from Haley

Claire: It's just hard, you know, having your Mother's Day ruined. I never thought it would be you, Lucas.
Alex: Don't even think about it.
Luke: But she's sad.
Haley: Sad she's losing. She just hit you with her best shot. We need to stay strong.
Luke: But I feel-
Haley: Don't feel. Just go splash water on your face and man up. We're your mother now.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Yeah, she was tough. I remember I had this little league coach, and one time after a game he was laying into me about something I don't remember. But Mom comes charging out of the stands. She goes right up to the guy. I mean, face-to-face. Nose to nose. And she says to him, "Let me tell you something. Nobody and I mean nobody yells at my little boy..." [sobbing]
Gloria: Oh, my God. It's happening again.
Cameron: It's okay, Jay. Let it out. Let it out.
Jay: You only get one mom.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: [over baby monitor] Da-da.
Mitchell: I think she's calling you.
Cameron: Don't even try. I have that pottery class in the morning.

Quote from Claire

Haley: I cannot believe you kept that shirt.
Claire: Of course I kept it. I'm your mother. I keep everything you make me.
Haley: Please take that off.
Claire: Oh, when I'm dead. Today is my special day, and I am gonna enjoy me some coffee.
Luke: You know that's a pencil holder, right?
Claire: I do now.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Go first.
Manny: No, you can go first.
Jay: Manny, go first.
Manny: No, Jay, you go first.
Gloria: Somebody give me a present.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, what's this?
Mitchell: Well, I know you've had some late nights with Lily and this is just my way of saying thank you and I love you.
Cameron: Oh! Thank you.
Mitchell: And this is just the beginning. Today is your day.
Mitchell: Today?
Mitchell: Yeah. All day.
Cameron: Today? Today's my day?
Mitchell: Something's happening.
Cameron: It's Mother's Day, Mitchell.
Mitchell: So?
Cameron: You're bringing me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.
Mitchell: Okay. No, no. This is not a Mother's Day breakfast. This is a breakfast that happens to be-
Cameron: You think of me as Lily's mother. I'm your wife. I'm a woman.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Honestly, I'm a little offended that he accused me of that. I'm actually very sensitive to that issue. Like I would ever treat my partner as a woman.
[montage:]
Claire: I Somebody got new curtains.
Mitchell: Well, Mrs. Pritchett loves to shop.
[cut]
Mitchell: Oh! We're never gonna be done by 6:00. I better call home. The wife's not gonna like this.
[back:]
Mitchell: Sometimes I think he just wants to be mad at me.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I can't eat.
Mitchell: Okay, you know what? If you can't accept the nice gesture, then just forget it. [to Lily] Okay, scratch the balloons. She is in a mood.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I asked Claire what she wanted for Mother's Day and she said, "Take a hike." It's not like that. She's just bananas for walking around in nature. So she and Gloria are taking the kids up the canyon and Jay and I are throwing on the aprons and preparing a Mother's Day feast. It's- It's gonna be fun.

Quote from Claire

Alex: How much farther?
Claire: Well, I'd like to go far enough that we can't still see our car in the parking lot.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I'm getting dust in my mouth.
Gloria: You have to appreciate nature.
Claire: Yes.
Gloria: Soon this will be the mall.
Haley: I'll come then.

Quote from Manny

Alex: I'm hungry.
Luke: I say we eat what we kill.
Manny: Oh, then I guess we'll be eating the mood.
Luke: I don't get you at all.
Manny: I know.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, is that the party over there?
Cameron: I don't know. I'm a woman, remember? I have a terrible sense of direction.
Mitchell: May I remind you that my big crime was making you fluffy pancakes. Okay, I'm getting a little sick of you dwelling on this. It happens to be Mother's Day, not Martyr's Day.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Yeah, that was definitely poison oak. I think this rash is spreading.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, that's not a rash. It's red because you scratch it.
Manny: I just don't want my throat to close.
Luke: Wouldn't be the worst thing.

Quote from Alex

Alex: God, Luke, you're such an idiot.
Luke: At least I don't look like an idiot.
Alex: What does that mean?
Haley: Your hat. It looks like you walked under a bird that poops ugly hats.
Manny: Can we watch the language?
Alex: There's nothing else to watch.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Gloria and I are gonna go finish this beautiful hike together while you sit here and think about how selfish and thoughtless you've been. Come on.
Alex: If we're thoughtless, how can we think?
Claire: You just lost your water. Let's go.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Oh, my God. You don't talk about your children this way.
Claire: Oh, come on. You know Manny irritates you.
Gloria: No. Manny is the best thing that ever happened to me. We have a special bond.
Claire: Yes. Bonds. I know. But that's not what I'm talking about now.
Gloria: Claire, for a long time, it was only the two of us. I cannot say anything bad about that boy.
Claire: Give me a break. Gloria, anybody who's ever had a kid knows that they can irritate the freaking life out of you at some point. Am I right? Oh. Okay.
Gloria: He's persnickety.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Manny. He's persnickety. It drives me up the wall.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: And he follows me around all the time. Sometimes I love it, but sometimes I need my own space.
Claire: This does not make you a bad mother to admit these things.
Gloria: And the poetry it's not very good.
Claire: Ha.
Gloria: First time that I say that out loud.
Claire: Okay.
Gloria: It's not very good!
Claire: Wow. I love Manny.
Claire: Right.
Gloria: But sometimes I- Just be a boy. Go outside. Kick a ball. Steal something. Oh, it feels so good.
Manny: Maybe to you.
Gloria: No, Manny. Ay! I was talking about another Manny that I know long time ago. [to Claire] Diablo.

Quote from Alex

Haley: You know Mom's just gonna want us to apologize.
Luke: Well, we did kind of ruin her Mother's Day.
Haley: No. She ruined her Mother's Day. She took us to a place she knew we wouldn't like and then we complained for, like, a second and we're the bad guys?
Alex: That's a good point. You ever get the feeling she does this intentionally?
Luke: Why would she do that?
Haley: So she can make us feel guilty.
Alex: Exactly. And the next time we're choosing what to do, she gets her way again. And the next time and the next time and eventually it's Mother's Day every day.

Quote from Luke

Haley: I say we don't apologize this time. Let her know we're onto her little game.
Alex: We could change the way this whole family operates.
Haley: Okay, so nobody says they're sorry. Got it? Keep your mouth shut when she comes back.
Luke: If she comes back.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I need you to get away from me.
Phil: Yeah. Okay, I'm just gonna say this one time so we can move on. It's okay.
Jay: Gotcha.
Phil: You know what "it" is? It's you crying.
Jay: Which I didn't.
Phil: You teared up.
Jay: It was the onions.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: They offered me a bouquet, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Which you accepted.
Cameron: Why can't you ever take my side? They think of me as a woman.
Mitchell: Cam, no. We're just a new type of family. They don't have the right vocabulary for us yet. They need one of us to be the mom.
Cameron: So why does it have to be me? Do I wear a dress?
Mitchell: Well...
Cameron: That's a nightshirt.
Mitchell: It's kind of satiny.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What are you saying?
Mitchell: Come on, you know.
Cameron: No. No, no. No, no. I don't know.
Mitchell: All right, if I'm thinking about it, of the two of us, if I had to pick I-I might say that you're slightly mom-er.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm gonna intervene here. Manny, let's talk about what really happened. Your mom said you should go out and throw a ball around. That can't be the first time you've heard that.
Manny: No. But there was some hurtful stuff said about my poetry.
Claire: Which your mom regrets.
Gloria: I do.
Claire: So, that's what parents are for. Sometimes they criticize because it helps make you stronger. Kids these days get-get trophies just for showing up. What's that gonna lead to? A bunch of 30-year-olds living at home. Manny, your mother loves you very much. She's a human being. So she let off a little steam. Honestly, it's probably a great thing for your relationship.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Stop. He needs to know the real truth. Manny, Claire was feeling bad because she wants to hit her own children. So I tried to make her feel better by inventing terrible things about you.
Manny: You mean, you don't have a problem with my poetry?
Gloria: No. The only problem that I have is that I never have enough of it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Is anybody hungry? What?
Gloria: You cried for your mommy.
Jay: Oh, crap. I did not.
Gloria: Yes. Phil just told-
Phil: No, that's not true. She's a liar.
Jay: What's wrong with you? Look, I know you would all be so happy if you thought I had some big emotional moment about my mom, but I didn't.
Manny: So you don't miss your mom?
Jay: Of course I do. She was a great lady. And she also left me a fantastic recipe for sauce, which now is getting cold. So can we please eat?


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