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‘Mother's Day’ Quotes

Modern Family: Mother's Day

221. Mother's Day

Aired May 4, 2011

On Mother's Day, Claire and Gloria take their kids on a hike, revealing a few home truths. Cameron is upset that Mitchell thinks of him as the "mother" in their family. Meanwhile, Phil notices Jay crying as they cook one of his mother's recipes.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's nothing gays hate more than when people...
Both: Treat us like women.
Cameron: We're not. We don't want to go to your baby shower. We don't have a time of the month. We don't love pink.
Mitchell: You love pink.
Cameron: No, pink loves me.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell are those?
Phil: Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook. Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Jay teared up in front of me. He'd never shown me that kind of vulnerability, and it embarrassed him. I'd shamed the proud lion. Only thing to do, hug the proud lion. Oh, I could get bit. I could get scratched. But you know what's inside every lion? A pussycat.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What are you wearing?
Claire: You don't remember this shirt? You made it for me for Mother's Day in kindergarten. It's adorable.
Haley: It's perverted. It looks like you were felt up by the creepy guy around the corner.
Alex: Ew! Why him?
Haley: Because he's got freakishly tiny hands.
Phil: Thank you.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Oh, Jay! A diamond necklace. Thank you.
Jay: You deserve it. Go ahead, kid.
Manny: Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
Gloria: Ah!
Gloria: A necklace made of the Froot Loops. I love it.
Manny: I know they're not exactly diamonds, Mom.
Gloria: No, they're beautiful.
Jay: You know what? I got a confession to make. Those aren't real diamonds. No. Give them back. I'll get you some real ones later.
Manny: Dang it. Now I got to come clean. Those aren't real Froot Loops. They're generic.
Gloria: Now I have no presents again.

Quote from Luke

Alex: You know, there are coyotes in these woods. Did you pack a weapon?
Manny: I have a walking stick.
Luke: Does it become a sword?
Manny: I guess it can become a running stick.
Luke: Okay, you're gonna outrun a coyote? The fastest mammal in the world.
Manny: I'm not sure that's true. And how are you gonna fend 'em off with a Popsicle stick?
Luke: It's a spear, and it smells like lemon lime a flavor coyotes hate.
Manny: Where are you getting your information?

Quote from Cameron

Jen: We should do play group on weekends more often. It's nice to have the husbands around to help, right?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, because that makes all the sense in the world you as the husband.
Mitchell: That's not what she meant.
Cameron: Look at us. I could snap you like a twig.
Mitchell: Okay, every once in a while, you say that thing about the twig and I need you to know that it bothers me.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Enough complaining! You can't bitch all day because you're not at the beach all day!

Quote from Jay

Phil: Hey, Jay, you know what we should put in this? We should add a-
Jay: No. It's my mom's recipe. Whatever it says on the page goes in the pot. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, how long do I stir the beef and sausages? Read it to me.
Phil: [as Julia Child] "We should stir the beef and sausages for five minutes."
Jay: And how much longer do I have to listen to the Julia Child impression?
Phil: For as long as it's still funny.
Jay: I think the timer just went off on that.
Phil: That was unnecessary.

Quote from Jay

Phil: What's this? What? Hey, Jay, maybe after this, we should make the perfect mom. All we need is a tablespoon of love, one cup of warmth. Add one heart, softened.
Jay: What the hell are you talking about?
Phil: This recipe for the perfect mom, by Jay Francis Pritchett, age nine.
Jay: Geez, I forgot all about that. I didn't know she had that in there.
Phil: What's that, Francis?
Jay: Nothing. How much longer on the meat?
Phil: Ohh. I love this part about "serves one small boy." It's adorable. Wow. A hundred and seventy five pounds of tenderness. She must have loved that. Big woman? Jay?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And that's when I saw it.
[back:]
Phil: Jay? Are- Are you crying?
Jay: No. It's the onions, damn it. Give me these. What are you looking at?
Phil: Nothing. Those really frame your face.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Okay, I don't want you to judge me, but I have to say something. Sometimes I wanna punch my kids.
Gloria: You don't mean that.
Claire: No, I do. I do. The last time they were horrible the way they were today they happened to be all lined up and I couldn't help but think if I hit just one of 'em the rest would go down like dominoes.
Gloria: Geez.
Claire: I know. That would rob me of the pleasure of hitting each one individually, but...

Quote from Luke

Luke: You know, more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War.
Alex: Okay, what book did you read that in?
Luke: Book? Wake up and smell the Internet, grandma.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, Manny, I didn't mean any of it. Please, forgive me.
Manny: I don't think I can. Let's just get in the van. Oh. Sorry for the rhyme. I know how you hate my poetry.
Gloria: Please, stop my suffering. Say something terrible about me so that we can be even like a Steven.
Manny: Why would I say something terrible to someone I love?
Gloria: I curse my tongue!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Here.
Cameron: What's this?
Mitchell: Well, it's a Mother's Day card. And I know- Stop it. Okay, Cam, that was Gloria's card from Manny. But I just wanted you to see what its definition for "mother" was on it. It's "warm," "nurturing ," "supportive." I- Maybe when the world sees you-
Cameron: Not just the world.
Mitchell: Fine. Fine. Me too. But maybe this is what we're seeing and I don't know why that's such a bad thing. It certainly doesn't make you less of a man. Right?
Cameron: Maybe you're right.
Mitchell: Yeah. Come on. Let's join the party. And, Cam, put down the scotch. You're not fooling anyone.
Cameron: It is so burn-y.

Quote from Haley

Claire: It's just hard, you know, having your Mother's Day ruined. I never thought it would be you, Lucas.
Alex: Don't even think about it.
Luke: But she's sad.
Haley: Sad she's losing. She just hit you with her best shot. We need to stay strong.
Luke: But I feel-
Haley: Don't feel. Just go splash water on your face and man up. We're your mother now.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Yeah, she was tough. I remember I had this little league coach, and one time after a game he was laying into me about something I don't remember. But Mom comes charging out of the stands. She goes right up to the guy. I mean, face-to-face. Nose to nose. And she says to him, "Let me tell you something. Nobody and I mean nobody yells at my little boy..." [sobbing]
Gloria: Oh, my God. It's happening again.
Cameron: It's okay, Jay. Let it out. Let it out.
Jay: You only get one mom.


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