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‘The Feud’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: The Feud

515. The Feud

Aired February 26, 2014

Still smarting after losing his role as chair of the local realtor's group to Gil Thorpe, Phil learns that Luke is competing against Gil's kid in a wrestling match. Meanwhile, Claire is itching with nerves ahead of a big client meeting, and that's before she babysits Lily whose school is in the midst of a lice scare. Elsewhere, Manny and Gloria each learn a lesson on confidence when she chaperones a school trip to the museum.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] What happened to him? He didn't used to be that self-conscious before High School. He used to go around in his poncho, play the pan flute. Ay, I miss my little old Manny.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: I can't believe it. I'm a one-termer? That puts me alongside Henry Eustace Tyler and Art Wagner!
Gil Thorpe: Never met Art Wagner.
Phil: They took away his realtor's license after Gategate.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Do you girls have to move that now?
Haley: Well, I've been lonely. Having a mirror in my room will be like having company!
Alex: Ugh, your daughter's a parakeet.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] That may be the best part about being a parent. Whatever's going on in your personal life, when your kid's happy, you're happy. A happy kid is like an antidepressant, but a natural one, not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer. [chuckles] Enough said about that!

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man. I hope I didn't blind ya. Although you might not want to see what's next.
Our kids are wrestling each other.
Phil: Are you kidding?
Gil Thorpe: Nope! There's my little bra-snapper right there. He's a beast, man.
Phil: No, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. This is when you try to intimidate me.
Gil Thorpe: No! No. Hey, good luck. Hey, did you ever hear about those illegal baby-fighting rings they got in the border?
Phil: That's not a real thing.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, wife and I brought him down there. Won a whole carload of chickens. See you out there, man.
Phil: That never happened!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, they have everything here. The rainforest experience, the hurricane booth, discovering the body... We have that one in Colombia, too, but a different kind.

Quote from Haley

Haley: My God, is she gonna sleep all day long?
Alex: Okay, that, coming from you? The possum's actually laughing. And, besides, I mean, it's obviously not sleeping.
Haley: What else would she be doing?
Alex: Playing?
Haley: Playing what?
Alex: Oh, my God! Playing possum, the one thing that absolutely everyone knows possums do.
Haley: Ha, ha! I got you! I was playing possum on you by pretending...
Alex: Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Don't even.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, so, you know how you've been scratching your head?
Claire: Oh, God. Is it that noticeable? I-I have some kind of nervous tic.
Mitchell: Yeah, there might be one of those in there, too.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell was that?
Phil: He's wrestling Gil Thorpe's kid. I hate that guy. Always trying to make me feel like less of a man.
Jay: The guy that took your necklace, right?
Phil: My medallion!
Jay: Call it what you want. I'm just glad I don't have to help you with the clasp again.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Ooh, away, scary robot! Away!
Lily: I can't breathe.
Cameron: Well, good. Neither can your hair pets.
Lily: What?
Cameron: Nothing.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, you're unbelievable.
Gloria: Ay, that's sweet, but I know I look terrible.
Manny: You come down on me for being self-conscious, then you run and hide because your face is red.
Gloria: You're right. I keep blaming the high-school boys for making you self-conscious, and you're taking after me.
Manny: We can assign blame when we're safely behind our tinted windows.
Gloria: We're trapped!
Manny: No. When I was in the caveman exhibit, I discovered fire exits. I'll explain to you why that's funny in the car.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, I got to admit something right here. You impressed me today, Luke. That kid started choking. You didn't see a rival or a chance to fight your family's stupid battles. You just saw somebody who needed help. And that makes you the biggest man in this whole car.
Phil: You just attacked him, didn't you?
Luke: He made that choke sign. I thought he was mocking my wrestling.
Jay: Let's go ahead and keep that to ourselves.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I take back everything I ever said about this stupid invention.
Phil: It has a name "The Real Head Scratcher, T.M."

Quote from Phil

Jay: I really want this win, Phil. I can taste it, like metal.
Phil: Me, too. Metal.
Jay: I don't know what it is with this guy, but no matter what I do, I just can't win with him.
Phil: That's the way I am with his son. And Time Warner cable. It's emasculating, you know?
Jay: I mean, it's not a feeling a man should have.
Phil: Jay, you know what the beginning of "love" is?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake, we're just talking here. Why do you always have to make everything bigger than it is?!

Quote from Phil

Claire: If I take something to help me sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting. But if I don't take anything and I don't sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting, you know?
Phil: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I was up for re-election as social chair of our local realtors group. The vote was tonight. I was so nervous, I could barely hear Claire's pep talk.
[back:]
Claire: Why did I beg Mitchell to introduce me to this developer?
Phil: You're right. We'll know soon enough.
Claire: I'm gonna go upstairs, see if I can get some sleep.
Phil: Love you. I hope so, too.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [answering phone] Hello? Hey, Gil. No, no, no. You- You didn't wake me. [door bell rings] Um, so, you hear anything, or-
[Phil opens the front door]
Gil Thorpe: Hey, Dunphy. Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass. I got to run, Dunphy. I got a late meeting with some jackass.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: The people have spoken, Dunphy. I'm in. You're out. Sorry to have to tell you that in private.
Phil: Was it even close?
Gil Thorpe: No! I have a mandate -- Not the kind you hide from your wife, either.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Okay, enough history, "done-for." Fork over the hardware.
Phil: Gil, as my predecessor told me, respect the office, respect the medallion.
Gil Thorpe: Ooh, shiny. How often do you clean this thing?
Phil: Every time I shower.
Gil Thorpe: Well, don't worry. It's gonna get a good buffing tonight when it's swinging against the back of my wife's head.
Phil: That is not respecting the medall-

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I hate crowded elevators. Only one thing worse, when they stop and you get trapped. Actually, there's one thing even worse than that. Getting trapped with him. I don't even know the guy's name. He belongs to my club. But for whatever reason, he has the knack for showing up when I'm at my absolute worst.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: [on the phone] I'm sorry. Pepper's getting a what for your wedding?
Mitchell: A D.P. No! No, a director of photography. Yeah, apparently, he's a big deal. He won a Golden Globe.
Cameron: No, you win an Oscar. You buy a Golden Globe.

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