Gloria: [aside to camera] What happened to him? He didn't used to be that self-conscious before High School. He used to go around in his poncho, play the pan flute. Ay, I miss my little old Manny.

Phil: I can't believe it. I'm a one-termer? That puts me alongside Henry Eustace Tyler and Art Wagner!
Gil Thorpe: Never met Art Wagner.
Phil: They took away his realtor's license after Gategate.

Claire: Do you girls have to move that now?
Haley: Well, I've been lonely. Having a mirror in my room will be like having company!
Alex: Ugh, your daughter's a parakeet.

Phil: [aside to camera] That may be the best part about being a parent. Whatever's going on in your personal life, when your kid's happy, you're happy. A happy kid is like an antidepressant, but a natural one, not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer. [chuckles] Enough said about that!

Gil Thorpe: Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man. I hope I didn't blind ya. Although you might not want to see what's next.
Our kids are wrestling each other.
Phil: Are you kidding?
Gil Thorpe: Nope! There's my little bra-snapper right there. He's a beast, man.
Phil: No, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. This is when you try to intimidate me.
Gil Thorpe: No! No. Hey, good luck. Hey, did you ever hear about those illegal baby-fighting rings they got in the border?
Phil: That's not a real thing.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, wife and I brought him down there. Won a whole carload of chickens. See you out there, man.
Phil: That never happened!

Gloria: Manny, they have everything here. The rainforest experience, the hurricane booth, discovering the body... We have that one in Colombia, too, but a different kind.

Haley: My God, is she gonna sleep all day long?
Alex: Okay, that, coming from you? The possum's actually laughing. And, besides, I mean, it's obviously not sleeping.
Haley: What else would she be doing?
Alex: Playing?
Haley: Playing what?
Alex: Oh, my God! Playing possum, the one thing that absolutely everyone knows possums do.
Haley: Ha, ha! I got you! I was playing possum on you by pretending...
Alex: Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Don't even.

Mitchell: Okay, so, you know how you've been scratching your head?
Claire: Oh, God. Is it that noticeable? I-I have some kind of nervous tic.
Mitchell: Yeah, there might be one of those in there, too.

Jay: What the hell was that?
Phil: He's wrestling Gil Thorpe's kid. I hate that guy. Always trying to make me feel like less of a man.
Jay: The guy that took your necklace, right?
Phil: My medallion!
Jay: Call it what you want. I'm just glad I don't have to help you with the clasp again.

Cameron: Ooh, away, scary robot! Away!
Lily: I can't breathe.
Cameron: Well, good. Neither can your hair pets.
Lily: What?
Cameron: Nothing.