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37Quotes from ‘The Feud’

Modern Family: The Feud

515. The Feud

Aired February 26, 2014

Still smarting after losing his role as chair of the local realtor's group to Gil Thorpe, Phil learns that Luke is competing against Gil's kid in a wrestling match. Meanwhile, Claire is itching with nerves ahead of a big client meeting, and that's before she babysits Lily whose school is in the midst of a lice scare. Elsewhere, Manny and Gloria each learn a lesson on confidence when she chaperones a school trip to the museum.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] What happened to him? He didn't used to be that self-conscious before High School. He used to go around in his poncho, play the pan flute. Ay, I miss my little old Manny.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I can't believe it. I'm a one-termer? That puts me alongside Henry Eustace Tyler and Art Wagner!
Gil Thorpe: Never met Art Wagner.
Phil: They took away his realtor's license after Gategate.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Do you girls have to move that now?
Haley: Well, I've been lonely. Having a mirror in my room will be like having company!
Alex: Ugh, your daughter's a parakeet.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] That may be the best part about being a parent. Whatever's going on in your personal life, when your kid's happy, you're happy. A happy kid is like an antidepressant, but a natural one, not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer. [chuckles] Enough said about that!

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man. I hope I didn't blind ya. Although you might not want to see what's next.
Our kids are wrestling each other.
Phil: Are you kidding?
Gil Thorpe: Nope! There's my little bra-snapper right there. He's a beast, man.
Phil: No, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. This is when you try to intimidate me.
Gil Thorpe: No! No. Hey, good luck. Hey, did you ever hear about those illegal baby-fighting rings they got in the border?
Phil: That's not a real thing.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, wife and I brought him down there. Won a whole carload of chickens. See you out there, man.
Phil: That never happened!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, they have everything here. The rainforest experience, the hurricane booth, discovering the body... We have that one in Colombia, too, but a different kind.

Quote from Haley

Haley: My God, is she gonna sleep all day long?
Alex: Okay, that, coming from you? The possum's actually laughing. And, besides, I mean, it's obviously not sleeping.
Haley: What else would she be doing?
Alex: Playing?
Haley: Playing what?
Alex: Oh, my God! Playing possum, the one thing that absolutely everyone knows possums do.
Haley: Ha, ha! I got you! I was playing possum on you by pretending...
Alex: Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Don't even.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, so, you know how you've been scratching your head?
Claire: Oh, God. Is it that noticeable? I-I have some kind of nervous tic.
Mitchell: Yeah, there might be one of those in there, too.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell was that?
Phil: He's wrestling Gil Thorpe's kid. I hate that guy. Always trying to make me feel like less of a man.
Jay: The guy that took your necklace, right?
Phil: My medallion!
Jay: Call it what you want. I'm just glad I don't have to help you with the clasp again.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Ooh, away, scary robot! Away!
Lily: I can't breathe.
Cameron: Well, good. Neither can your hair pets.
Lily: What?
Cameron: Nothing.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, you're unbelievable.
Gloria: Ay, that's sweet, but I know I look terrible.
Manny: You come down on me for being self-conscious, then you run and hide because your face is red.
Gloria: You're right. I keep blaming the high-school boys for making you self-conscious, and you're taking after me.
Manny: We can assign blame when we're safely behind our tinted windows.
Gloria: We're trapped!
Manny: No. When I was in the caveman exhibit, I discovered fire exits. I'll explain to you why that's funny in the car.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, I got to admit something right here. You impressed me today, Luke. That kid started choking. You didn't see a rival or a chance to fight your family's stupid battles. You just saw somebody who needed help. And that makes you the biggest man in this whole car.
Phil: You just attacked him, didn't you?
Luke: He made that choke sign. I thought he was mocking my wrestling.
Jay: Let's go ahead and keep that to ourselves.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I take back everything I ever said about this stupid invention.
Phil: It has a name "The Real Head Scratcher, T.M."

Quote from Phil

Claire: If I take something to help me sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting. But if I don't take anything and I don't sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting, you know?
Phil: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I was up for re-election as social chair of our local realtors group. The vote was tonight. I was so nervous, I could barely hear Claire's pep talk.
[back:]
Claire: Why did I beg Mitchell to introduce me to this developer?
Phil: You're right. We'll know soon enough.
Claire: I'm gonna go upstairs, see if I can get some sleep.
Phil: Love you. I hope so, too.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [answering phone] Hello? Hey, Gil. No, no, no. You- You didn't wake me. [door bell rings] Um, so, you hear anything, or-
[Phil opens the front door]
Gil Thorpe: Hey, Dunphy. Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass. I got to run, Dunphy. I got a late meeting with some jackass.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: The people have spoken, Dunphy. I'm in. You're out. Sorry to have to tell you that in private.
Phil: Was it even close?
Gil Thorpe: No! I have a mandate -- Not the kind you hide from your wife, either.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Okay, enough history, "done-for." Fork over the hardware.
Phil: Gil, as my predecessor told me, respect the office, respect the medallion.
Gil Thorpe: Ooh, shiny. How often do you clean this thing?
Phil: Every time I shower.
Gil Thorpe: Well, don't worry. It's gonna get a good buffing tonight when it's swinging against the back of my wife's head.
Phil: That is not respecting the medall-

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I hate crowded elevators. Only one thing worse, when they stop and you get trapped. Actually, there's one thing even worse than that. Getting trapped with him. I don't even know the guy's name. He belongs to my club. But for whatever reason, he has the knack for showing up when I'm at my absolute worst.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: [on the phone] I'm sorry. Pepper's getting a what for your wedding?
Mitchell: A D.P. No! No, a director of photography. Yeah, apparently, he's a big deal. He won a Golden Globe.
Cameron: No, you win an Oscar. You buy a Golden Globe.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: [on the phone] That's good. It'll get my mind off this meeting with your friend. I am so nervous. I haven't had a sales meeting in forever. I'm a little rusty. Do you remember when we used to call you "Little Rusty"?
Mitchell: I was 8, and I can still cancel this meeting.

Quote from Luke

Claire: What is this?
Luke: I'm sweating off weight for my wrestling match. I slept in this.
Claire: Does this have anything to do with why we're out of plastic wrap?
Luke: Oh, it's the bottom layer. And I've got some news for you, it's not keeping me fresh.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Oh, my God! We're trapped!
Haley: Well, it- It's- It's not such a huge disaster. You know, you'll just be a little late for school.
Alex: Make up your mind! Which is it?!
Haley: Oh, my God. I'm missing a text.
Alex: Just got real, didn't it?
Haley: Who sent you?!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: There's a report of lice in Lily's class.
Cameron: Ugh. It's probably from Portia. You know, she is always so filthy. They had to kick her out of swim buddies because she left a ring around the pool.

Quote from Phil

Luke: My match is coming up. Got any final dad-vice?
Phil: Starting to sound natural, right? You know what? Just get out there and enjoy yourself. You showed real character trying a new sport. No matter what happens, I couldn't be prouder.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Wish me luck.
Phil: No need. You worked hard. I just want you to have fun.
Luke: Thanks, Dad.
Phil: Also, I'd like to revise what I said to you in the car about biting.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, you care too much about what other people think! I know that some of the mothers here want to make fun of me because of my accent and my bouncy bosom. But they don't. You know why? Because I don't care. Because I walk with confidence. And so can you. Let's go.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Okay, she's not leaving. You got to lure her away from the staircase. She'll trust you. You're kind of dressed like an animal trainer.
Alex: Why do you keep calling it a "she"?
Haley: Well, because "he"s don't look at me like that.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: The director of photography we met with this morning, he's turning us down.
Claire: Why?
Mitchell: "Creative differences." He suggested one of us wear a hidden camera in our boutonniere. He called it "groom with a view." Somebody got it into his head to call it the "Cam-Cam." Then there was a lot of foot-stomping and cane-snapping and monocle-smashing.
Claire: Who is your wedding photographer, Mr. Peanut?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, sleepy! Long nap today. Claire must've really worn you out at the park, huh?
Lily: Yeah. Do you want to lie down with me, Daddy?
Cameron: Oh, honey, the day I answer no to that question... [Lily scratches her head] is today.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] First of all, if there's anything that you need from me, anything at all, I will be living at the Embassy Suites. Secondly, there's- There's no guarantee that she has it. I mean, I'm with her right now. I think I'd know. [Claire scratches her head] Yeah, I think I know.

Quote from Phil

Jay: I really want this win, Phil. I can taste it, like metal.
Phil: Me, too. Metal.
Jay: I don't know what it is with this guy, but no matter what I do, I just can't win with him.
Phil: That's the way I am with his son. And Time Warner cable. It's emasculating, you know?
Jay: I mean, it's not a feeling a man should have.
Phil: Jay, you know what the beginning of "love" is?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake, we're just talking here. Why do you always have to make everything bigger than it is?!

Quote from Manny

Gloria: [aside to camera] It was the bravest thing he has ever done.
Manny: They call me "Pink Top."
Gloria: My hero.
Manny: Pink top.

Quote from Phil

Phil: We really blew it with Luke today.
Jay: How could I do that? My dad never missed an opportunity to let me know when I disappointed him, and I do it to my grandkid.
Phil: It's just as much my fault. I've seen what having a disapproving father has done to my wife. I should've known better.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Dang it.
Phil: Buddy, I know you're upset. You've got every right. We made that wrestling match all about our stupid feud. That was wrong.
Jay: Forget about those jerks. We couldn't be anything but proud of you, just like I'm super proud of your mom.
Phil: Let's repair this one first.

Quote from Phil

Jay: I don't buy it.
Phil: Why?
Jay: What are you talking about? No kid lets down his father and grandfather and is that okay with it. He's burying his feelings.
Phil: Or maybe he's just raised better than that. He knows it's pointless to fight other people's battles.
Jay: It's all in the DNA, Phil. My old man has a problem with somebody? Trust me I'm looking for that guy's kid on the schoolyard. It's how men work.
Phil: Or used to work. Maybe those thuggish Pritchett genes got mixed with more evolved Dunphy genes, resulting in a more elevated human being.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey! Hey! Get off my kid!
Gil Thorpe: Hey. Hey! Get off my kid! Aah!
Gunther Thorpe: You get off of my kid!
Jay: Hey, hey! Get off my daughter's husband!
Phil: Would it kill you to call me your kid, Jay?
Waitress: Oh, my God. He was saving him.
Jay: Oh, have a good day.
Phil: Well, all's well that ends well.

Quote from Phil

Gil Thorpe: Just want to say I'm sorry, "Doofy."
Phil: And yet you're still call-
Gil Thorpe: what your kid did today was amazing. No hard feelings, right?
Phil: Hey, Cam, hold off on that thing for a second. Lily, honey? Are you kidding me? It's all in good fun.
Gil Thorpe: All right. Good. Whoa! Who's this little dumpling?
Phil: Only my niece. If there's one thing she loves, it's piggy-back.
Lily: No, I don't.
Phil: Yep! Hop on up there! All right!
Lily: Who's this man?
Gil Thorpe: You can call me Uncle Gil!
Phil: Uncle Gil! You two look great together! Get in there!
Gil Thorpe: Yeah! I'm telling you, these little buggers love me.
Phil: That's the plan!


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