311. Lifetime Supply
Aired January 4, 2012
Phil is alarmed when his lifetime supply of razors runs out at the same time his doctor performs some tests. Meanwhile, Mitchell wins an award at work, and Javier unexpectedly shows up to take Manny to the races.
Quote from Luke
Gloria: That's the problem with Americans. They expect all of us to know their language, but they don't even make the effort to learn ours.
Walt: Win a war sometime. Then we'll start talking like you.
Luke: Ha. So wrong.
Quote from Javier
Javier: Look into his eyes. I don't care what the doctor says. I give him six months.
Quote from Haley
Gloria: Hola, Haley.
Haley: Hi, Gloria. Thanks for coming over.
Gloria: En espanol, por favor.
Haley: Uh, hola, Gloria. Gracias for coming over.
Gloria: No, the whole thing.
Haley: I don't know the whole thing. Why do I even need to learn Spanish? I live in California. I'm never gonna use it.
Quote from Alex
Cameron: Oh, that looks great up there! How impressed are you with your uncle right now?
Alex: So impressed.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I didn't wanna ruin their moment by telling them how many awards I've gotten, but let's just say I don't get out of bed for a trophy that size.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Well, you know what? I'm gonna go get Lily from her party and go to the park.
Cameron: This award has changed you, Mitchell. You may be flying high now, but pretty soon, you're gonna be free falling, Tom Petty. Because you're petty. Tom Petty. Hmm? Get it?
Mitchell: About three sentences ago.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: [aside to camera] I'm not gonna let Manny take off with Javier by himself. Once, when Manny was 6, Javier took him to the petting zoo, which later, I found out that was the name of the stripper club. A real petting zoo would have been cleaner.
Quote from Luke
Luke: Mom, is it okay if my friend Walt comes over to play "Rebel Fighters 3"?
Claire: Honey, don't you think it is a little weird that one of your best friends is an eighty-year-old man?
Luke: No, it makes it more fun, because he was in a real war. He says cool things like "See you in hell, Klaus." [laughs] I don't even know what that means.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Maybe I should bet on your horse.
Jay: Are you kidding me? These aren't just words. They give you all this information, so you can make an informed decision - and beat the odds.
Javier: Yes, of course, and this is why everybody with a racing form is rich. Now come on. It's time to place our bets. What's it gonna be, Manny?
Manny: $2 on my hometown. You really think he's going to win?
Javier: Well, I only know what he tells me with his eyes. Don't ask me why, but maybe in some previous life, I was a horse.
Jay: Or part of a horse.
Quote from Phil
Dr. Sendroff: So how's the real estate market doing?
Phil: Well, interest rates are low, so it's a great time to be a buyer. But if you're a seller, you really have to-
Dr. Sendroff: Bend over?
Phil: True, but a quality property is still a quality-
Dr. Sendroff: No, no, no. I need you to bend over.
Phil: Oh. Right. Well, let's dim the lights, crank up the Norah Jones, and get this over with.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Darn it! I'm trying to send an e-mail. This mouse keeps sticking. [Gloria gasps] Pretty big reaction. It's 10 bucks, tops.
Gloria: You just reminded me about my dream last night. I was in the middle of a meadow, coming down a staircase, then suddenly a black mouse showed up. He stopped, stared at me in the eyes, and opened his little mouth.
Jay: What did it say?
Gloria: What did he say, Jay? He was a mouse. They don't know how to talk.
Jay: Now you're playing logic police? You're standing on a staircase in a meadow?
Gloria: In my country, when somebody dreams about a black mouse, it means that something bad is going to happen!
Jay: Ah, don't worry about it. I dreamt about a lucky blue cow. We're good to go.