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‘Arrested’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Arrested

407. Arrested

Aired November 7, 2012

When Phil and Claire get a phone call in the middle of the night, it turns out Haley has been arrested for under-age drinking at college. As Claire and Phil head to the police station with Mitchell in tow as a lawyer, Cameron looks after Alex and Luke. Meanwhile, Jay deals with a surprise visit from Dede and tries to keep Gloria's pregnancy from her.

Quote from Luke

Lily: What does this do?
Luke: I don't know, but thanks to Obama, you're paying for it.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] What are you doing there?
Mitchell: They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
Jay: Shouldn't they have a real lawyer?
Phil: Oh, God. Should we?
Mitchell: I am a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
Jay: Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Mitchell: Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
Phil: That's adorable.
Jay: You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs somebody who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
Mitchell: Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are you wearing?
Haley: What? What's wrong with it?
Claire: Honey, you are fighting for your future in front of a disciplinary committee, not entertaining the secret service.
Haley: In "Legally Blonde," Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
Phil: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Claire has to go bail her out.
Gloria: Okay. Give me that. [on the phone] Claire, listen to me. Take a lot of cash. And when you flash it to the police, do not speak about it. Let the eyes do all the talking, okay?

Quote from Jay

Manny: So who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
Jay: I think it's gonna be you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens!

Quote from Alex

Cameron: It's breakfast! It's breakfast time! It's breaky breaky time!
Alex: Uncle Cam. I thought I heard your voice. What are you doing here? Where are my parents?
Cameron: Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award.
Alex: Nice try. The only person who would believe that would be Haley.

Quote from Lily

Lily: She's in jail.
Alex: Jail?
Cameron: Lily, what did I say?
Lily: That it was only a matter of time.
Cameron: Okay, no. Didn't say that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. Let's change the subject. Have a seat. Have some breakfast. See if there's anything on that plate you like a lot.
Alex: Is this bacon?
Cameron: Of course it is, silly.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is "fakon." It's like real bacon.
Mitchell: Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
Cameron: Maybe the store-bought kind. But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon. It's faux-fakon. "Faux-kon."
Mitchell: It's faux-kon disgusting.
Cameron: You can't tell the difference.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Luke! Put the fakon down!
Luke: I'm using it to scratch my throat!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, try to relax.
Claire: I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for six weeks.
Phil: Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first. I remember one night freshman year, a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of zima. Enough zaid.
Claire: More than enough.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, do you have some time today? We need to go and pick out a stroller.
Jay: Just get whatever you want. I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
Gloria: What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me.
Jay: If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired.
Jay: You just woke up. How are you tired?
Gloria: Maybe because I'm turning food into a human!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I was dreading DeDe finding out that Gloria's pregnant. It's the one thing DeDe's hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids. And considering their history, I wasn't exactly looking forward to round four, especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target.

Quote from Dede

Jay: Hello, DeDe. How you doing?
Dede: Oh, mostly fine. I have something called a telescoping uterus. Long story.
Jay: Aw, jeez.

Quote from Cameron

Nurse: What happened?
Cameron: Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon that was so good, he couldn't tell the difference. [answering phone] Mitchell, I can't talk right now.
Claire: Cam, it's Claire. My phone died. I just wanted to make sure the kids got to school okay.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't they have?
Doctor: I hear we got a boy who can't breathe?
Alex: Right here.
Claire: What was that?
Cameron: Oh, I'm just watching an original lifetime movie called "The Boy Who Can't Breathe."
Claire: That sounded like Alex.
Cameron: Nope. Just Amanda Bynes.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Oh, good God.
Cameron: Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back.
Luke: No way. I don't want people to see my butt.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Nobody's getting any more shots. We just have to wait for the swelling to go down. All right? I'm gonna go check on a little paperwork. I'll be right back.
Alex: [wearing doctor's gown] But if it doesn't go down, that leg might have to come off.
Luke: Sweet. Take them both. Then I could get some of those blade legs and finally be able to dunk.

Quote from Alex

Doctor: How you feeling, champ? What do we got here? The patient presents bronchial inflammation, dermal pruritus, and minor angioedema. Who can tell me the cause?
Alex: [wearing doctor's gown] It's an allergic reaction to soy.
Doctor: Very good. The rest of you have a lot to learn. Let's keep moving.
Alex: [to Lily] Stay with Luke.

Quote from Gloria

Dede: It's what it sounds like. It literally telescopes. You see, what happens is-
Jay: DeDe, I hate to rush this, but I'm late for a meeting.
Dede: Oh.
Jay: And it's been great seeing you, but can I walk you out?
Dede: Okay. Sure.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, it's so weird. The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of me. [seeing Dede] Bruja!

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