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54Quotes from ‘Arrested’

Modern Family: Arrested

407. Arrested

Aired November 7, 2012

When Phil and Claire get a phone call in the middle of the night, it turns out Haley has been arrested for under-age drinking at college. As Claire and Phil head to the police station with Mitchell in tow as a lawyer, Cameron looks after Alex and Luke. Meanwhile, Jay deals with a surprise visit from Dede and tries to keep Gloria's pregnancy from her.

Quote from Luke

Lily: What does this do?
Luke: I don't know, but thanks to Obama, you're paying for it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] What are you doing there?
Mitchell: They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
Jay: Shouldn't they have a real lawyer?
Phil: Oh, God. Should we?
Mitchell: I am a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
Jay: Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Mitchell: Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
Phil: That's adorable.
Jay: You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs somebody who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
Mitchell: Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are you wearing?
Haley: What? What's wrong with it?
Claire: Honey, you are fighting for your future in front of a disciplinary committee, not entertaining the secret service.
Haley: In "Legally Blonde," Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
Phil: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Claire has to go bail her out.
Gloria: Okay. Give me that. [on the phone] Claire, listen to me. Take a lot of cash. And when you flash it to the police, do not speak about it. Let the eyes do all the talking, okay?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens!

Quote from Alex

Cameron: It's breakfast! It's breakfast time! It's breaky breaky time!
Alex: Uncle Cam. I thought I heard your voice. What are you doing here? Where are my parents?
Cameron: Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award.
Alex: Nice try. The only person who would believe that would be Haley.

Quote from Lily

Lily: She's in jail.
Alex: Jail?
Cameron: Lily, what did I say?
Lily: That it was only a matter of time.
Cameron: Okay, no. Didn't say that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. Let's change the subject. Have a seat. Have some breakfast. See if there's anything on that plate you like a lot.
Alex: Is this bacon?
Cameron: Of course it is, silly.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is "fakon." It's like real bacon.
Mitchell: Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
Cameron: Maybe the store-bought kind. But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon. It's faux-fakon. "Faux-kon."
Mitchell: It's faux-kon disgusting.
Cameron: You can't tell the difference.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Luke! Put the fakon down!
Luke: I'm using it to scratch my throat!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, try to relax.
Claire: I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for six weeks.
Phil: Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first. I remember one night freshman year, a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of zima. Enough zaid.
Claire: More than enough.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, do you have some time today? We need to go and pick out a stroller.
Jay: Just get whatever you want. I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
Gloria: What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me.
Jay: If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby.

Quote from Jay

Manny: So who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
Jay: I think it's gonna be you.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired.
Jay: You just woke up. How are you tired?
Gloria: Maybe because I'm turning food into a human!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I was dreading DeDe finding out that Gloria's pregnant. It's the one thing DeDe's hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids. And considering their history, I wasn't exactly looking forward to round four, especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target.

Quote from Dede

Jay: Hello, DeDe. How you doing?
Dede: Oh, mostly fine. I have something called a telescoping uterus. Long story.
Jay: Aw, jeez.

Quote from Cameron

Nurse: What happened?
Cameron: Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon that was so good, he couldn't tell the difference. [answering phone] Mitchell, I can't talk right now.
Claire: Cam, it's Claire. My phone died. I just wanted to make sure the kids got to school okay.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't they have?
Doctor: I hear we got a boy who can't breathe?
Alex: Right here.
Claire: What was that?
Cameron: Oh, I'm just watching an original lifetime movie called "The Boy Who Can't Breathe."
Claire: That sounded like Alex.
Cameron: Nope. Just Amanda Bynes.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Oh, good God.
Cameron: Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back.
Luke: No way. I don't want people to see my butt.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Nobody's getting any more shots. We just have to wait for the swelling to go down. All right? I'm gonna go check on a little paperwork. I'll be right back.
Alex: [wearing doctor's gown] But if it doesn't go down, that leg might have to come off.
Luke: Sweet. Take them both. Then I could get some of those blade legs and finally be able to dunk.

Quote from Alex

Doctor: How you feeling, champ? What do we got here? The patient presents bronchial inflammation, dermal pruritus, and minor angioedema. Who can tell me the cause?
Alex: [wearing doctor's gown] It's an allergic reaction to soy.
Doctor: Very good. The rest of you have a lot to learn. Let's keep moving.
Alex: [to Lily] Stay with Luke.

Quote from Gloria

Dede: It's what it sounds like. It literally telescopes. You see, what happens is-
Jay: DeDe, I hate to rush this, but I'm late for a meeting.
Dede: Oh.
Jay: And it's been great seeing you, but can I walk you out?
Dede: Okay. Sure.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, it's so weird. The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of me. [seeing Dede] Bruja!

Quote from Dede

Dede: Oh, my God.
Gloria: What is she doing here?
Dede: You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it.
Jay: Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this. [Dede starts laughing hysterically] What's happening?
Gloria: Her brain. It snapped.
Dede: Oh! You're going to be a father again at your age. And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself.
Jay: Don't ask.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, just put on something else, and take down the makeup.
Haley: Why are you guys acting like this is my fault? Everybody was drinking, everybody ran. I just got caught. If anything, I'm the victim here.
Phil: What?! Just stop- Just stop talking, Haley. You're not the victim here. You're the one who screwed up! You made one bad decision after another, and now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you. And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care. We all got up at 3:00 A.M. this morning to bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing, and you know what I haven't heard from you yet? "I'm sorry, Mom. I screwed up, Dad. Please forgive me." Now put on some real clothes. We'll see you at the hearing. Do not be late! Come on.
Haley: Where are you going?
Claire: To get that man a waffle.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: There. There. Did you feel it kicking?
Dede: Oh, yes! Oh, I remember those. Yeah, Claire kicked me as soon as she grew legs, and she didn't stop until she was 4.
Manny: Not Manny. He was so calm, I think that he was reading in there.

Quote from Dede

Jay: This is beautiful. Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends.
Gloria: Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me.
Dede: I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first.
Gloria: Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one day.
Dede: Oh, well, she is a funny-looking thing.
Jay: [to Stella] Don't listen to them. You're beautiful.

Quote from Dede

[aside to camera:]
Jay: Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made DeDe think of her as less trophy, more human. And all the animosity she had for Gloria just wafted up in the air.
[cut to:]
Dede: I hope you're hiring a nanny, because this one won't lift a finger.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: And landed right on top of me.
[cut to:]
Dede: I don't remember him changing a single diaper.
Jay: What's that supposed to mean? You can't even remember killing your cat.
Dede: Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Mom, I'm home!
Dede: Oh, hi, Manny.
Manny: DeDe. How are you?
Dede: Good.
Manny: DeDe. It's me. How are you really?
Dede: I'm on a better path.
Manny: It's a journey.
Dede: Thank you for asking, Manny. And thank you for your letters.
Manny: It's a lost art. No one puts pen to paper anymore.

Quote from Haley

Dean Miller: Miss Dunphy, is there anything you would like to say in your defense?
Haley: Actually, I have no defense. I was drinking. I am underage. I ran from the police. And even though it was an accident, I injured an officer. I am very, very sorry. I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've been here, and it's time I take some responsibility. Like sometimes in the dining hall, I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad. Also, I've missed more morning classes than I've been to. I don't know what the policy is on dating T.A.s, but I think I broke it.
Phil: Huh?
Haley: Twice.
Phil: Oh, man.
Haley: Oh, and if we're gonna be completely honest, on my application to get in here, I lied about the fact that I was-
Phil: Uh, objection!

Quote from Haley

Dean Miller: Miss Dunphy, miss Dunphy, we appreciate your candor. Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Haley: Go, Wildcats?
Dean Miller: Oh, boy.
Aidan: That's not even our mascot.

Quote from Haley

Claire: In the meantime, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna take some classes.
Haley: Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot more serious.
Phil: Good for you.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Where are my keys?
Haley: Oh, they're right there on the makeup table.
Claire: Oh, honey, that's a desk.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Alex, don't fight with her. She might have a shiv. We cool?

Quote from Cameron

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, Mitchell. I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested.
Mitchell: Oh, God. Haley got arrested.
Cameron: That explains the chickens.
Mitchell: It does. It adds up.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: [on the phone] Look, could you drive up to the college with us? I think we're gonna need a lawyer.
Mitchell: Yes, of course. And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke.
Cameron: I'll guard them with my life.
Claire: I hate to bother him.
Mitchell: No, no, don't be silly. He's happy to do it. Okay, we'll be over in a little bit. [hangs up]
Cameron: Oh, I get it. When you told Claire I would come over and watch the kids, she was resistant because she doesn't trust my parenting skills.
Mitchell: No. Don't be silly. She just didn't want to put you out.
Cameron: She's got a daughter behind bars and she's got the nerve to say I'm a bad parent?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [answering the phone] This better be good.
Claire: Haley got arrested for drinking. We gotta go bail her out. Do you still have a connection to that judge upstate?
Jay: He died.
Gloria: Ay! Who died?
Jay: An old friend of mine.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Jay: He died five years ago.
Gloria: Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up?!
Jay: Nobody died. Haley's in jail.
Gloria: Okay. That makes more sense.

Quote from Claire

Manny: I heard the phone. Who died?
Gloria: Jay's friend.
Manny: Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Claire: [on the phone] Okay. I can't do this again. [hangs up]

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Okay, so here's the truth. Your sister was caught drinking. But it's no big deal. Your parents are there taking care of it right now. So...
Luke: This is so awesome! I hope she hits the weights so she's totally ripped when she gets out.

Quote from Cameron

Luke: This is the best bacon I've ever had.
Cameron: Oh, well. I can't wait to tell your Uncle Mitchell that you love it.
Alex: Why would Uncle Mitch care?
Cameron: Because, my dear, that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at all, no, no, no. It's made entirely of soy. [starts dialing]
Alex: Luke's allergic to soy! His throat closes! He can't breathe!
Mitchell: [on the phone] Hello?
Cameron: Never mind!

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: Hey, Claire, do you wanna pick it up a little bit? Since when do you drive the speed limit?
Claire: My daughter has been arrested for drinking. I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. As a matter of fact, I might stop and do a little outlet shopping. Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses, huh?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Sometimes it bothers me how calm Phil is under pressure. It's like... Like I'm the one who's overreacting.
Phil: That's good. Let it out. It's g-
Claire: I'm going to kill you.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay will take you.
Jay: Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken word festival, but I'm already going to the I'd-rather-blow-my-brains-out jamboree.
Manny: I can't believe this. I'm living in a cultural wasteland.
Jay: With a heated pool.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [ominous ringtone, answers phone] Hello, DeDe.
Dede: Good morning, Jay. Namaste.
Jay: Let's not do this.
Dede: Oh, fine, silly. I'm on my way to a retreat in Ojai, and since I'm passing through town, I thought I'd pick up that photo album.
Jay: You know, it's really not a good time.
Dede: Oh, please.
Jay: All right. I'll meet you on the street. Drive by slow with the window open.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Can you believe how many waffle places we passed?
Mitchell: I can't believe how much dad belittles me.
Phil: What were there? Five? Six?
Mitchell: Okay, I edited the law review. I passed the bar on my first try. I have a briefcase.
Phil: I'm counting them on the way back.
Claire: Can we focus?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look, this has gotta be some kind of mistake. Our daughter's tiny. There's no way she assaulted anyone.Insulted, maybe. Was- Was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes? 'Cause that really sets her off.

Quote from Cameron

Alex: How long is this gonna take? I should be in school. I'm missing biology right now.
Cameron: You're in a hospital. Just step out into the hallway. Listen to the nurses and doctors talk. You'll learn more about science and humanity here than you would in a classroom in an entire semester.
Nurse: Attention! If there's a yogurt in the fridge that says "Theresa," then only Theresa gets to eat it!
Cameron: Drama. Soak it in.

Quote from Haley

Claire: What the hell were you thinking?
Phil: What happened?
Haley: It's not a big deal, okay? There was a party, and people were drinking, so the police showed up, and everybody ran, so I did, too. And I started climbing down this fire escape. And then I heard a cop yell to put your hands up, so I did and I fell onto him.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh. Oh, no. Who lives like this? When I had a dorm room, it was- Oh, it was spotless. Can we just agree that girls are dirtier than boys?
Claire: What should we do?
Mitchell: Well, I'd like to start by picking up some of these clothes. Then-
Claire: I meant about the hearing, Felix.

Quote from Dede

Jay: It's just that you were better at it than I was.
Dede: Oh, so I guess I was better at late-night feedings and cleaning spit-up, too.
Gloria: You know what? He wouldn't help me pick up a stroller or a blanket or a bouncy chair.
Dede: Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my own. He was just useless.
Gloria: You poor thing. Makes all sense now why you became so crazy.
Dede: Right?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Listen to me, Jay Pritchett. If you don't change your useless ways, you're gonna make me crazy, too! Like DeDe!
Jay: Gloria. Gloria. [to Dede] I just love our little visits.

Quote from Haley

Dean Miller: Haley Dunphy?
Haley: Yes, that's me.
Dean Miller: I'm Dean Miller with admissions. This is Professor Williams.
Haley: Hi.
Dean Miller: And this is our student representative, Aidan Feldman.
Haley: Nice to meet you.
Aidan: Seriously? We sit next to each other in Econ.
Haley: Oh, right. You-
Aidan: Don't. It insults both of us. Mostly me.
Dean Miller: Move it along, Aidan. This is a disciplinary hearing, not JDate.

Quote from Mitchell

Aidan: You are charged with public drunkenness, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer, all of which obviously violate our school's code of conduct.
Mitchell: Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my client?
Aidan: Who are you?
Mitchell: I'm Mitchell Pritchett, I'm Miss Dunphy's attorney.
Aidan: We require students to speak for themselves. There are no attorneys allowed. You shouldn't even be here.
Mitchell: What if I just sat in this chair and I was really super quiet and I just listen?
Aidan: I'll allow it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey. You're looking a lot better. How you feeling?
Luke: Better than kidney stones over there.
Cameron: Yeah, you know what? Now that you're doing better, I think I should call your mom and tell her what happened. You know, I know it was a bit of a rough ride in the beginning, but the important thing is, is I handled it. And everybody's okay.
Luke: What happened to her?
Mitchell: [answering phone] Hello?
Orderly: She passed out watching a C-Section.
Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: [high-pitched voice] Never mind!

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you looking for?
Gloria: Nothing! I am making a lot of noise because I'm angry!
Jay: Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby.
Gloria: I am not young like with Manny. I am tired already, and it's gonna get harder from here! I can't do this on my own, and you did this to me, so you're going to be here this time!
Jay: Back then, we were living paycheck to paycheck. The reason I wasn't around is I was working all the time. Believe me, DeDe wasn't the only one having sleepless nights. But now it's different. Now I can help you with everything.
Gloria: Really?
Jay: Let's start right now. I like that one.
Gloria: Which one?
Jay: That silver stroller.
Gloria: No, we're going to get the green one.
Jay: Great. What's next? How about I pick out the wrong crib?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: How you doing, Alex?
Alex: I'm fine, except for the crushing blow of knowing I'll never be a doctor. Or have a baby. I wonder what's going on with Haley.
Cameron: I don't know. I've been so petty about your mom judging my parenting, I haven't even thought about what she's going through today. I feel awful. You know what? I should call her.
Alex: What are you talking about? Mom thinks you're a great parent.
Cameron: She does?
Luke: Yeah, she just thinks you can't bake.
Claire: [answering phone] Hello?
Cameron: Never mind.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Making a child is the easy part. The hard part is everything that comes after. Keeping them safe. Making sacrifices for them. And standing by them, even when they let you down.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Oh, my God. What are you doing here?
Haley: I got kicked out. So go ahead, make your jokes. Get it out of your system.
Alex: No, that's horrible. I'm so sorry. It'll be fine. I'm sure of it.
Haley: Thank you. Ew, what did you do to my room?!
Alex: Well, it's not exactly your room. It's- It's mine.
Haley: This goes. This goes. I hate that. This is ugly.
Alex: Haley, stop!
Both: Mom!
Haley: What is this? A solar system?
Alex: It's molecules.
Haley: They're nerdy balls.


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