Seinfeld Quotes



The ultimate "show about nothing" follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends George, Elaine and Kramer.

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards.
Recurring Actors: Wayne Knight, Estelle Harris, Jerry Stiller, Liz Sheridan, Barney Martin, Len Lesser, Larry David, John O'Hurley, Phil Morris, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg.
Original Run: 1989-1998.

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Quote from George in The Suicide

George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?


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Quote from Elaine in The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Quote from George in The Kiss Hello

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

Quote from Kramer in The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

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Quote from Elaine in The Cadillac

Elaine: Um, George felt that I was too adamant in my stance that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.
Susan Ross: Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting.
Elaine: What did I say?
Susan Ross: The importing.
Elaine: I did. Uh...
Susan Ross: So, what does he uh, import?
Elaine: Chips.
Susan Ross: Oh. What kinda chips?
Elaine: Potato.
Susan Ross: Ah.
Elaine: Some corn.
Susan Ross: And what does he export?
Elaine: Diapers.

Quote from Kramer in The Letter

[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.

Quote from Kramer in The Andrea Doria

Kramer: [between coughs] Hey.
George: What's with the dog?
Kramer: Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. [Smuckers coughs] Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.
George: A vet?
Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an MD any day. They gotta be able to cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog all on the same day.
George: So, if I may jump ahead, you're gonna take dog medicine?
Kramer: You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? [Smuckers coughs]