Seinfeld Quotes

Seinfeld

Seinfeld

The ultimate "show about nothing" follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends George, Elaine and Kramer.

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards.
Recurring Actors: Wayne Knight, Estelle Harris, Jerry Stiller, Liz Sheridan, Barney Martin, Len Lesser, Larry David, John O'Hurley, Phil Morris, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg.
Original Run: 1989-1998.

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Quote from Jerry in The Finale

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. "I would really like to sit down with you." "I think we need to sit down and talk." "Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down." Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting. "You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here?" I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.

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Quote from Elaine in The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Quote from Kramer in The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Quote from George in The Kiss Hello

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

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Quote from Jerry in The Cigar Store Indian

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. "Where's the TV Guide?" [mimes throwing] "There it is." You know, on the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?

Quote from Kramer in The Chinese Woman

Elaine: You got a comfort problem there?
Kramer: No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
Elaine: I thought you wore silk underwear.
Kramer: No. Well, you know, I wore them for about a month, but I couldn't stick with it. I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house.
Elaine: That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever wanna have kids, you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.
Kramer: Sperm count? Well, how many sperm should I have?
Elaine: A lot.

Quote from Frank Costanza in The Fatigues

Estelle Costanza: Here's your omelet.
Frank Costanza: It's dry.
Estelle Costanza: That's the way I always make it.
Frank Costanza: Well, it sucks.
Estelle Costanza: What did you say?
Frank Costanza: Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!
Estelle Costanza: Well, that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here!
Frank Costanza: Not any more! Gimme that spatula! [cracks egg] I'm back, baby!