Seinfeld Quotes

Seinfeld

Seinfeld

The ultimate "show about nothing" follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends George, Elaine and Kramer.

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards.
Recurring Actors: Wayne Knight, Estelle Harris, Jerry Stiller, Liz Sheridan, Barney Martin, Len Lesser, Larry David, John O'Hurley, Phil Morris, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg.
Original Run: 1989-1998.

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Quote from Kramer in The Bris

Stan: The most important thing is you help with the bris.
Jerry: The bris?
Kramer: A bris? You mean, circumcision?
Stan: Yeah.
Kramer: I would advise against that.
Elaine: Well, Kramer, it's a tradition.
Kramer: Yeah, well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.
Jerry: Well, maybe we should.

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Quote from Elaine in The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Quote from Kramer in The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Quote from George in The Kiss Hello

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

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Quote from George in The Stall

Tony: So I said: "Hey, dude, you better step off."
George: Step off?
Tony: Yeah.
George: You said, "Step off"? God, that is too much! [turns baseball cap around] Hey, hey, Tony... I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?
Tony: No.
George: Bowling. What do you say? Bowling, huh? Bowling's insane! Bowling is crazy time!
Tony: Bowling? I don't think so, George. You get no rush from bowling.
George: Rush? You want a rush? Drop a ball on your toe, my friend! Talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing! You'll see visions!
Tony: No, no, no. I'm thinking... rock climbing.

Quote from Kramer in The Label Maker

Newman: Are you sure you know where the impound yard is?
Kramer: Oh, stop stalling. Come on.
Newman: I can't think. There's all this noise.
Kramer: Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.
Newman: I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine.
Kramer: [chuckles] Yeah? The Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
Ukrainian Man: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
Kramer: Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.
Ukrainian Man: Ukraine is game to you?! How about I take your little board and smash it!

Quote from Kramer in The Letter

[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.