Seinfeld Quotes

Seinfeld

Seinfeld

The ultimate "show about nothing" follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends George, Elaine and Kramer.

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards.
Recurring Actors: Wayne Knight, Estelle Harris, Jerry Stiller, Liz Sheridan, Barney Martin, Len Lesser, Larry David, John O'Hurley, Phil Morris, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg.
Original Run: 1989-1998.

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Quote from Jerry in The Label Maker

Jerry: Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing. Perhaps it's an homage.
Elaine: Yeah, perhaps.
Jerry: Well, how did he react when you gave it to him?
Elaine: Um, he said, "Oh, a label maker. How about that?"
Jerry: He repeated the name of the gift?
Elaine: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. Tube socks."

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Quote from Elaine in The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Quote from Kramer in The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Quote from George in The Kiss Hello

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

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Quote from Jerry in The Pitch/The Ticket

Jerry: You know, we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.
George: All right, we'll be a little late. I'm not taking a cab.
Jerry: I'll pay for it.
George: It's not the money.
Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The speed? The convenience?

Quote from Jerry in The English Patient

Jerry: So again, Mr. Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.
Izzy: Uh, oh, wait. [grabs t-shirt] How about that, huh? "The World's Greatest Dad". My son made it for me.
Jerry: That's very nice.
Izzy: The best in the world. Which means I'm better than just #1.
Jerry: Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.

Quote from Jerry in The English Patient

Izzy: What are you doing here?
Jerry: Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
Izzy: What the hell is that?
Jerry: What?
Izzy: That shirt. You think that you are the number #1 dad?
Morty Seinfeld: This was a gift from my son.
Izzy: Oh, I see how it works now. He knocks me out of commission, so you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. Well, I'll show you who's number one. [starts to get out of bed]
Jerry: Mr Mandelbaum, please.
Izzy: It's go time. [his back cracks as he stands up] Ah! My back. I can't move.
Morty Seinfeld: Call an ambulance.
Jerry: I think I saw one a couple of doors down.