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44Quotes from ‘The More You Ignore Me’

Modern Family: The More You Ignore Me

706. The More You Ignore Me

Aired November 11, 2015

Claire and Phil are concerned when Luke is arrested for driving without a license and they catch Alex sneaking out of a liquor store. Cameron tries to convince Gloria to sell her family's sauce at the farmer's market, while Mitchell helps Jay film a video for an industry awards show. Meanwhile, Haley and Dylan run into Andy and Beth at the cinema.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: It's a secret recipe that has been in my family for generations.
Cameron: Was your sauce buried in a local time capsule during the bicentennial? Because mine was.
Gloria: My great-aunt Miranda was the only one that could make it, and because I was the oldest girl that didn't marry a Peruvian, the recipe passed down to me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] It was a boon year for tomatoes on the farm, or what we're calling Tomatogeddon. So they made an extra-large batch of Tucker's famous, and we're selling it at the Farmers' Market.
Mitchell: Now, when you say "famous"?
Cameron: It's known Missouri-wide. A death-row inmate requested it for his last meal.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, you, sir, take your time deciding. We'll be here just as sure as a coonhound takes a summer nap in the shade of a chifferobe.
Mitchell: OK, now you're just randomly throwing words together from "To Kill a Mockingbird."

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the car phone] Hey, Lloyd, it's your dad, A. K. A. your worst nightmare. Just reminding you the duck village needs to be clean enough to eat off of. You hear me? You better not have.
Claire: You think maybe you're being a bit hard on Luke?
Phil: We're his parents, Claire. It's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I actually like that he's being a little bit rebellious. Sometimes, between the magic and the trampolining, I think he's getting a little You know.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What are you trying to say, Claire? A little me? There it was again, the insinuation that I'm not dangerous enough for her. Apparently, she's forgotten I've been to jail. I once led 20 violent inmates in a therapeutic tumbling class. It was a huge success. Could I have made the participation trophies a little less stabby? Sure. But overall, a huge success.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, no. Is this one of those video wills where you make us compete in a scavenger hunt for your inheritance?
Jay: No. It's the video for my Titan Award. I told you about it. I'm trying to project strength and confidence.
Mitchell: Maybe you should lose the Garfield "I hate Mondays" mug on the mantel.
Jay: Good catch.
Mitchell: I've waited my whole life to hear you say those words.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hello.
Simon: Oh, hello! Here to try our hand-caught artisanal trout jerky? - No.
Andrew: It's selling like hotcakes. Actually, better. See the vegan hotcakes stand? Next to the bespoke honey stall.
Mitchell: We should be careful. This market might be a trick to get a whole bunch of white people together in one spot.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Come on, Joe!
Joe: I don't want to learn!
Gloria: But you have to learn! And it's so easy. Look, first, you make the little man, then you tie the rope around its throat.

Quote from Phil

Claire: You know, we're gonna have to ground you, and I was thinking that-
Phil: Oh, we're doing way more than that. Landon has a $300 fine to work off.
Luke: We could fight that, say the cop was racist. Even if we lose, it'll start a conversation.
Phil: You made a mistake, you pay the consequences, Levon. Your first job is cleaning out the awesome village I built for my ducks.
Luke: Aren't they mom's ducks?
Phil: Do you really want to test me right now?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm starting over.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: You guys were bored, and the video obviously doesn't capture my essence. You think that fellow Titan Ed Fisk, the Lion of Linoleum, would make that mistake?
Gloria: How big is this event? Is there going to be a red carpet?
Jay: No, but Red Murtaugh, of Red's Carpets, will be there. I'm walking with giants, Gloria, and that's a good way to get stepped on.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Ever since Andy got engaged, things between us have been weird. Like "a woman with olive skin trying to pull off red hair" weird. I just wanted to watch the movie and get out of there before it got awkward.

Quote from Phil

Claire: OK, my point is it wouldn't hurt Alex to loosen up. I mean, I'm worried that she's getting a little-
Phil: There it is again. Just say it, Claire, You like our kids running wild 'cause you're worried they're too much like their namby-pamby dad, Mr. Goody-Goody, Mayor of Vanillatown.
Claire: Is this 'cause the ducks like me better?
Phil: That is biological, and you know it. There are videos of them online following around a vacuum cleaner. They're basically idiots!

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, I don't have many things that remind me of Colombia here in the house, but now I do.
Cameron: Legend has it our sauce was so secret, it was only written down one place.
Gloria: We grew up eating this every Sunday, and now Manny and Joe will, too.
Cameron: It was tattooed backwards on a lame stable boy. You could only read it in a mirror.

Quote from Phil

Claire: She's still not answering. I can't believe we lost them.
Phil: We're almost home. I can track her phone from the computer. "I hope you can track her phone better than you tracked that van." I'm sorry, Claire. Just 'cause I'm 1/64th Cherokee, it doesn't make me a natural tracker.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, it's the van!
Phil: In my own house?!
Claire: Oh, no! Okay, now, hang on.
Phil: Don't hold me back, Claire! I may be one 1/64th Cherokee, but I'm also 63/64ths crazy white guy!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] A few weeks ago, I found a nest of duck eggs. I, uh I lovingly nursed them, and then, uh, by some sick fluke, Claire was the only one there when the ducks were born, so they imprinted on her.
Claire: Oh, I didn't do it on purpose.
Phil: Then make them come back to me.
Claire: Mm.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Well, good morning, Leonard.
Luke: Leonar-
Phil: I know it's not my well-behaved son, Luke, who'd never take our car out without a license and get arrested.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I took the car for a good reason. Sarah Fisher's cat died, and she was devastated, so I thought she might make out with me. I got caught two blocks away from her house. Everyone is having great luck with girls except for me. And I mean everyone.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Well, at least I'm trying to sell. What is going on?
Mitchell: After buying whatever they're selling, I'm guessing people are plum out of spending money.

Quote from Mitchell

Simon: I'm actually glad you're here. We're looking for a new senior associate, and I was gonna call you.
Mitchell: Call me what? A has-been? "Mitch ado about nothing"? Why am I doing your work for you?
Simon: Look, on a social level, I find you hopeless, but I always thought you were a good lawyer. Maybe a great one at the right firm.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on video] After 30 years and over a hundred thousand hanger rods installed, some people would kick back and relax. Not me. I'm Jay Pritchett. [answers phone] Pritchett's closets. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! How many closets do you need? Yeah. I can handle that.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: What's the rush? Sometimes they put a funny skit thing after all the names.
Andy: Hey. Guys, wait up. You want to go grab a burger and a beer next door?
Haley: Well, I-
Dylan: I definitely do. That movie brought up so much for me. Plus, I got to take my pill with food.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Will you put this in my veggie burger and not tell me where it is?

Quote from Claire

Phil: Why did you stop me? I was gonna bust her.
Claire: What? In a little lie? I mean, come on. She's probably visiting a friend and she didn't want to hurt our feelings.
Phil: She barely reacted when she heard that Luke got arrested. She's obviously hiding something. And now she's walking into that liquor store.
Claire: Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, this is serious. A college student is visiting a friend, and they're buying beer! Relax, Phil. This girl has two patents.
Phil: What she needs is two parents.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, my god. Hang on. She's getting into that van.
Phil: Oh, now we're concerned!
Claire: Yes, I'm concerned! That is a sketchy repair van that is probably being driven by some middle-aged pervert with one long fingernail that she met online. Oh, my god, go! Follow them!

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: Did everyone love the sauce?
Mitchell: Well, if by "everyone" you mean a thousand bees and a pony that escaped from the riding circle, yeah.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I needed the distraction. I had spent enough of my day obsessing over Simon's job offer. Plus, I don't know seeing my big, strong dad reach out to me in a vulnerable way, it was- It was kind of touching.
[back:]
Jay: The red button! How do you not see it?! Before you got here, I was turning it on with a broom! Now just- Forget it. Let's get lunch.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I can dry it! I can dry it!
Mitchell: No, now the ink's running.
Gloria: Cam! No, and now you have ruined my great-uncle's napkins!
Cameron: Does- Okay, does everything at this table have meaning?

Quote from Luke

Manny: Hey, sorry I'm late. My new lady, Rachel, needed help picking a pair of shorts to make her stepdad mad.
Luke: I wonder what's more of a "screw you", you telling me that story or that the ducks now stare at me while they slowly go to the bathroom?

Quote from Jay

Jay: What drives Jay Pritchett? A desire never to repeat himself. Let me do that again. [later] What drives Jay Pritchett? An Audi. I'm gonna start with a joke? I'm following Red Murtaugh. The man's hilarious. You've seen him be that baby in his ads.
Mitchell: Just so you know, the camera only has 11 hours of battery, so...

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Why do I look so pale and sweaty?
Mitchell: Oh, well, you're old and Irish.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Cilantro!
Cameron: What?
Gloria: That car backfiring, it sounded like gunshots. I remember when I was a little girl in my aunt's kitchen, and she started chopping the cilantro really loud so that we couldn't hear the noise.
Cameron: Yes, okay. Well, what else do you remember?
Gloria: Well, nothing, Cam. It was 30 years ago.
Cameron: No, the recipe is inside you! It just needs to come out!
Joe: Mommy, I found it. [pig oinks]
Gloria: Lemon juice!
Cameron: What? Oh, see? I told you it's just a matter of time!
Gloria: [siren wails] Capers, jalapeno, and a dash of black pepper!

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: It's just so sad. The guy decides to spend the rest of his life with some zombie he doesn't love.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Hey, um, real quick. Why wasn't it more uncomfortable for you to watch that movie?
Andy: Right. Because zombies killed my parents.
Haley: Oh, never mind. I forgot you can't have an adult conversation.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Why do you think people stopped saying "coinkydink"?
Haley: Dylan, um...
Dylan: Oh, god. You're breaking up with me again, aren't you?
Haley: I'm sorry. I just- I- I feel like Andy and Beth and everyone in the world are moving forward, and we're moving backward.
Dylan: Actually, we're stopping, because I want to get out of the car.
Haley: Dylan.
Dylan: Stop! I'm tired of being jerked around. Now I'm moving forward, too.
Haley: Can't you at least call an Uber?
Dylan: You know they banned me for talking too much to the drivers!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, my god! I killed Reuben!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Don't try and make this our fault. You are the one who went to the liquor store and bought- What? Ice.
Alex: Reuben sprained his hamstring today while playing Quidditch.
Claire: Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but Reuben?

Quote from Alex

Alex: You know what? Caltech is hard. Between all the geniuses and breaking up with Sanjay, I just wanted something comfortable, even if it is a wormy little dork that worships me.
Claire: Oh, honey, I understand.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Gloria, this is what we need to be selling at the Farmers' Market. We would have them lined up clear down past the cruelty-free beaver-milk stand. I would crush Andrew.
Gloria: I cannot go back to the Farmers' Market.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: The year was 2011. I had just come back from Colombia with a box full of our family's homemade hair relaxer, the Colombian Comb-Out. Friday, I sold 50 bottles, but Saturday...
[flashback:]
Woman: It says on the bottle to leave it in for three minutes!
Gloria: No, it says, "leave in for three. Minutes later, you will look fantastic." One, two, three, comb it out. Ay, I see how it can be confusing.

Quote from Jay

Jay: If it's true, as many people theorize that Stonehenge was, in fact, a druid closet- Mitchell.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: I'm sorry. I got this whole work thing stressing me out.
Jay: It's your lucky day. You have an audience with a Titan of Industry without having to buy the $15-a-plate dinner ticket.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: He thinks that he's the only business titan in this family.
Gloria: Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot do. I have some sauce to sell.
Mitchell: And I'm gonna go register my new firm right now.
Cameron: And I'm gonna storm out, too, even though both of those things actually make me very happy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You want to know what drove Jay Pritchett? People telling me I wasn't good enough. There's something about a person telling you you can't do something. It just lights the competitive fires drives us to take risks opens us up to new opportunities. Everything I did, I did to prove the naysayers wrong. So, to everyone who didn't think I was good enough-
Joe: Look, dad! I tied my shoes!
Jay: Good job, Joe! Ah. How do you like me now?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I don't wanna go to this Titans dinner any more than you do, but we're gonna be late. Phil. Phil. Phil!
Phil: Dunphy.
Claire: What is going on?
Phil: I'm trying to pay Luke's impound fee, but this automated phone system doesn't understand anything I'm saying.
Phil: Dun-phy. Dun-phy. Yes. No. No. Not Bill Dunphy. We went over my first name for 20 minutes! Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil! [the ducklings follow Phil]

Quote from Dylan

Andy: Hey, you two.
Dylan: Hey, Andy. Very cool you're not fat anymore.


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