TV Quotes

Alex: This sucks. My teacher gave me mononucleosis.
Claire: As a parent, I feel I should ask about this.
Haley: Slow down. It's not like she gets that many tugs on the line.
Alex: It's for A.P. Bio. We have to write a report about a disease, and I got the worst one. This is a joke.
Phil: Actually, it's pretty serious. Back in college, I caught mono from my roommate, Ling. Served us right for fooling around. Never share a flute, kids.

Cameron: [aside to camera] After the initial shock, Gram softened a bit. She even agreed to attend the wedding.
Mitchell: Standing outside with a sign.
Cameron: Baby steps, Mitchell. Baby steps.

Manny: Just one week. Can I go golfing with you?
Jay: I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

Jay: Pretty snazzy new cheaters, huh? Five bucks.
Gloria: Wow.
Jay: I know, right?!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My husband is an older man, but he's not an old man. But with the track suit and, and now the glasses, it's like he just stopped trying lately. Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my quinceanera.

Cameron: [affected accent] The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with fire-haired man, the giving hawk would bring us baby with her skin the color of sweet corn, which my people call maize.
Mitchell: Okay. Please stop.
Mr. Plympton: Well, uh-
Cameron: Knowledge is her sustenance. Like so much maize which, you'll remember, means corn.
Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?

Haley: Could you please just read my sample? This job is important to me. This is my one shot at a real career.
Alex: Fine, I'll read it. And "real career"? I've seen this NERP business. Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers. Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism?
Haley: No. Turns out there are no laws against eating your own appendix, and it does help with fine lines. But she's a success story. Child star, Bond girl, indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.
Alex: Don't you mean Ponzi scheme?
Haley: Sadly, no.

Phil: Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I. And I'm sorry, but I'm not a micromanager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without, uh, smothering him.
Claire: You think I smother our child?
Phil: It's not your fault, honey. "Mother" is part of the word. You never hear of anyone being "sfathered" to death.