TV Quotes

Cameron: See, this is why I kept it a secret. Here I was, worried about you all ruining Christmas, and... now I've done it. I'm sorry, everyone.
Manny: You have no reason to be sorry.
Cameron: Yes, I do. I break up families. I'm Liz Taylor.
Mitchell: Why is it never a man?

Phil: [aside to camera] If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.

Alex: 110 pages? What time are we supposed to get out of here?
Claire: Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight?
Haley: Mom, don't be mean. Ignore her.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I actually am in a relationship, but I've been hiding it from everybody because I have once again chosen somebody that is completely inappropriate. It's this older guy Ben. He works for my mother, and he lives with his mother. I'm like a moth to a flame if the flame is an underachieving man-child with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his butt.

Cameron: So the fog was rolling in over the mountains like an ominous blanket as we readied the giant slingshot. You know, Lorna, the pastor's daughter, she was nervous because like I said, it was after curfew. She was a goody two-shoe. Only pastor's daughter I ever met that was. So we finally launch the pumpkin, and it sails through the air, goalpost to goalpost. Past the end zone, into the parking lot, through the open roof of Lorna's dad's car. I turn to Cody and I say, "Now what are the chances of that landing there?" He says, "Where?" And I say "The sunroof of a preacher man." [silence]
Mitchell: Wah-wah.

Gloria: The money has to be here somewhere. This is all the stuff from when we first moved in together.
Jay: Why do we have a box of doll heads?
Gloria: Oh, I guess you think it's a coincidence that we have never had evil spirits in this house.

Claire: He's old. She's young. It's gross.
Phil: Honey, nothing's happening. Young people seek out older mentors all the time. When I was 17, I was really close with my friend Stacy's mom. Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader, so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice. She had her own homemade bengay that didn't burn no matter where she rubbed it on me. If I had the chance to go over there, I never missed an opportunity.
Claire: I think maybe you did.

Claire: [aside to camera] That was the moment I realized Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out so he could be the cool one. Well, I can be cool, too. I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.