TV Quotes

Claire: [aside to camera] More than anything I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. I want them to share clothes and do each ether's hair and gossip about boys, like I used to do with Mitchell.

Jay: All right. Listen, you guys need anything, let me know.
Shawn: You got it. I'm Shawn, by the way.
Jay: Jay Pritchett.
Gloria: Jay.
Jay: It's okay, Gloria. All handled. This is my wife, Gloria. This is Shawn - and I want to get this right, beautiful African name - Shawn M'badawe.
Shawn: I said, "By the way."
Jay: Ah.

Claire: [aside to camera] I was out of control growing up. There, you know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If Hayley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right. I've done our job.

Alex: Oh, please. You've been dodging him since the wedding.
Haley: You told me to stay away from him.
Alex: I just meant don't lead him on unless you really like him.
Haley: Yes, and you were right, so I've been keeping my distance to protect him.
Alex: Oh. Well, that's actually really mature of you.
Haley: With great hotness comes great responsibility.
Alex: There she is.

Jay: You know, Gloria, with the right training, this kid could go all the way. Me managing his golf career can be my second act.
Gloria: You're 70. Your second act was two acts ago.

Danielle Pardo: Do you know that there are only a handful of female C.E.O.s in the entire Fortune 500?
Luke: That's crazy. Women can drive a race-car just as well as a man.
Danielle Pardo: You joke.
Luke: Huh?

Haley: Married! Why would I get married?
Phil: Because you're pregnant with Andy's baby!
Haley: What? Why would you think that?
Claire: [on FaceTime] Oh. Because you changed your Facebook status to "married." Then we tracked your cell phone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
Phil: And you ordered this book.
Haley: Wow. First of all, it's called privacy. Google it.