Mitchell: [aside to camera] El Conquistador Especial. My dad's brand. That doesn't explain the lipstick, though. No, my dad won't even wear Chapstick. He says it's a gateway balm.

Alex: What happened to your arm?
Phil: Oh, I am winding an old watch that your mother gave me for Valentine's Day.
Alex: Oh. That's pretty uneven. You gave her this awesome swing. Man, where did Mom find a guy as sweet as you?
Phil: Actually, she hit me with her car when I was break-dancing in a KFC parking lot.

Mitchell: [crying] No, no.
Cameron: Mitchell, what's wrong?
Mitchell: I feel like Lily's inability to show feelings for other people might be my fault.
Cameron: Oh, honey, I think that too. But just take comfort in knowing you got there on your own.
Mitchell: I'm watching The Bridges of Madison County because it's the only thing that makes me cry. When she gets home, I'm gonna turn this off and pretend I was reading this.
Cameron: "Typhoon Flattens Orphanage."
Mitchell: Yeah. That's sad, right? Now get out of here, because she's gonna be home any second and I'm trying to stay sad.

Luke: Dad's in the middle of a super sad dude hug.
Alex: We really disappointed him.
Haley: Yeah, maybe we should just suck it up and go to Jellystone this summer.

Phil: Hey, you know what? I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
Claire: You've got that open house.
Phil: Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years and just juggling for 30.

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria and Manny left me alone with Joe, and it was great for about 20 minutes. Then the little bugger turned on me. I tried everything to calm him down. Bouncing. Bottle. Brightly colored objects. Bigger bottle. So I did the old "put him in the car" trick. But I could still hear him out there. I'm just kidding. I drove him to his little class, but he dozed off right before we got there. Or he took a page from the Jay Pritchett playbook: Saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep.

Jay: "Chuck Stone, 6-foot, 3-inches of steely eyed determination sat at the interrogation table." "His mind was a blank..." "A complete blank." "He literally could not think of one single, solitary thing. Then he noticed a spot." "It looked like syrup left over from breakfast." "Which made him realize it was lunchtime." "A bacon, lettuce, and tomato, sandwich or B.L.T, as Chuck Stone called it, would really hit the spot." "The secret, Chuck realized, was real mayonnaise. Not that healthy crap his wife kept buying for their son." Damn it! "I mean, what's the point of t-t-t-t-t-t-t? Tea for two. Two for tea." It only gets worse from here.