Phil: How are you doing? Phil Dunphy. What do I have to do to get you to ask, "What do I have to do to get you into this car today?"

Haley: Now, Mom, that's my favorite sweater. I just got it.
Claire: You know what you girls need to learn to do? You need to learn to share. Because that's what sisters do. All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater. Right, Alex? Hmm?
Haley: Okay, fine. Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it.
Alex: That's Albert Einstein. And it is not nerdy.

Andy: Found another one. I told you.
Haley: Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.
Andy: Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.

Pam: There's a box out here marked fruit of the month. I'm assuming that means one of you won a contest.

Jay: [aside to camera] Claire took the lead on her first project at the company and scored a big one. Best part is, she beat out that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton over at Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face. [laughs]

Jay: [aside to camera] Terrible tragedy.
Gloria: They're our closest friends.
Jay: We know them. Uh, Manny and their son Reuben are tight. In fact, I put in one of their closets. Not that it matters, but it was the only structure to survive the fire.
Gloria: Por favor, don't even say that word! In my country it is considered very, very bad luck when your house burns down.

Mitchell: Hey, what's going on with you?
Gloria: Manny has forgotten most of his Spanish, and Joe, I'm sure he's not even going to learn it. I know this is silly, but I just don't like feeling like I'm so different from the rest of my family.
Cameron: Oh, honey.
Gloria: It feels so lonely, yes.
Cameron: Oh, wait just a second. Lily, is that why you want to be gay, to be more like your daddies? [Lily nods]
Mitchell: Oh, honey. No, the three of us are a family even though we come from different places. You know, you were born in Vietnam, and I grew up in a city, and even though he never talks about it, your daddy grew up on a farm.