TV Quotes

Manny: I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber.
Joe: Okay.
Gloria: No! If he falls from the roof and dies, his ghost will haunt you forever.
Joe: Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.

Jay: [answering FaceTime] Hello. Can you see me?
Claire: Thumb, Dad.
Jay: [groans] The minute they got rid of rotary phones everything went to hell.

Gloria: Oh, my God. A classic Rolls Corniche. I have been in love with this car my whole life. In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a drug lord.
Billy Dee Williams: Would you like to drive it?
Gloria: Does the bear sit in the woods?
Jay: Classic Charo.

Alex: Problem here, boys?
Luke: These geeks won't give us back our helicopter that we took from Reuben.
Alex: Is that right, Abraham?
Boy: Oh, my God. She knows your name.
Alex: Helicopter, please.
Abraham: I love you.
Haley: What just happened?
Alex: You have your fans, I have mine. Some day, your fans are going to work for my fans.

Sal: Cam, Mitch, Peps, this guy. This is Eddie, my baby daddy.
Cameron: So, why didn't you tell us?
Sal: Oh, you know, we just wanted to get through that first trimester before we let the cat out of the bag.
Pepper: When was that last summer?
Mitchell: So, y-you're you're how far along now?
Eddie: About four months. Right, honey?
Sal: Four months. Yep. Yeah. Just about the exact amount of time Eddie and I have been together.
Ronaldo: I don't understand. Four is this many, yes?
Pepper: Si.

Mitchell: I guess w-when I look at things from your point of view, I... I made a promise. When your dad needs you to take over the farm, I'm in.
Cameron: Mitchell, that means so much to me, and you're gonna love it. The fresh air, and there's no traffic. Oh, and with a second lawyer in town, we could reopen the courthouse. H-Have you ever milked a goat? Have you ever had fresh milk right from the spigot? Oh, unbelievable. You do have to be careful of snakes and mice and rats. There's a ton of field mice. They scare me. One ran up my sleeve one time when I was a kid.

Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!