TV Quotes

Rose: I don't drink before bedtime. I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
Sophia: I never have that problem. Never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning like clockwork, at 7 am I pee. Unfortunately, I don't wake up till 8.

Rachel: And hey, just so you know. It's not that common. It doesn't happen to every guy. And it is a big deal!
Chandler: I knew it!

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Captain Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch, circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?

Joey: Where is the waitress? I'm starving.
Chandler: It's a buffet, man.
Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back!

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional Rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a Chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?

Alexis: Okay. I'm gonna offer you both a PR and marketing strategy, pro bono. And if you're into it, we'll pull the trigger, we'll work on my contract and my salary, and then we'll get things going from there.
Johnny: Well, now's not the time to take our foot off the gas, Stevie, and if we have a publicist at our disposal.
Stevie: Would we call her a publicist?
Alexis: Um, I actually prefer to be called a freelance brand invigorator.
Stevie: Hmm.
Alexis: And I also have a super easy multi-step plan in place for the motel.

Alexis: Excuse me, this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm single. The singles market is very lucrative. Did you know, that there's a small town in Ireland that hosts a singles week every year, and it's become so popular, that they're able to subsidize their entirely yearly budget, just on profits?
Moira: It's a valiant first effort, Alexis, it is. But darling, do keep those wheels turning! As the Irish like to say, [Irish accent] it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.

Michael Scott: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael Scott: No. No, that is not funny. I love my employees. Even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh, good, so we don't have to work.
Pam: We're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.
Michael Scott: So, like, a freedom tree.
Pam: I can take 3 people.
Jim: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly workers can go at lunch.
Michael Scott: Okay, good, good. So we'll just all go down there together at lunch. Excellent.
Pam: I was thinking-
Michael Scott: Good work, Pam.
Pam: But if you-
Michael Scott: Yaay, Pam!

Rachel: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes and that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again...
Monica: The days and nights are hard, I get it. Look, Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to start getting ready. I'm getting married today.
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.