TV Quotes

Rachel: Well, now that everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw. What?
Rachel: No. No, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today. She told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It's a good toast.
Rachel: Look, will you please get her attention?
Ross: Oh. Mommy? Mother. [mouths] Sock.
Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake. Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

Joey: Where is the waitress? I'm starving.
Chandler: It's a buffet, man.
Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back!

Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Rose: Wait a minute. If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says "Bed" on the cover?
Blanche: [laughs] Oh, that doesn't say "Bed."
Rose: Right there, it does.
Blanche: Oh, silly, those are my initials. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell "Bed"?

Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

Blanche: I don't believe it.
Dorothy: This is terrible.
Rose: Well, I'll admit, it's a little drab, but with some plants and nice...
Dorothy: It's a garage, you twit! Ma, how did this happen?
Sophia: [Italian]
Vincenzo: [Italian]
Sophia [Italian] It was a slight misunderstanding. You see, in Sicily, every region has its own dialect. Actually, every town has its own dialect. Actually, every household has its own dialect. This also explains why the Italian army is as effective as a Jamaican bobsled team.

Stevie: I am a single woman driving way out of town to meet a guy I don't know very well!
David: Well...
Stevie: Once he shows up I'm sure you can still go to the botanical gardens.
David: I'm not going to the botanical gardens by myself. What, am I gonna walk around, and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert? So if you're gonna meet this guy there, then where am I staying? I don't do couches!
Stevie: I got you a separate room.
David: A separate room, okay. So this has all been premeditated, then. You know what, I hope, for your sake, that they have cherry blossoms in prison.

Blanche: I want to talk to you, Dorothy. Listen, I know this isn't easy for you, so I'm gonna let you in on a sorority secret that was passed on to me at Miss MacGyver's Finishing School. Now, whenever you feel you're about to lose control, just take my hand and give it a little squeeze. I guarantee you'll feel 100% better.
Dorothy: And that's the big secret?
Blanche: Oh, no! The big secret was that Miss MacGyver and Miss McKinney were sharing a one-bedroom apartment off campus.
Dorothy: Oh, will you..!