TV Quotes

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay. They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Captain Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch, circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Rachel: And hey, just so you know, it's not that common. It doesn't happen to every guy. And it is a big deal!
Chandler: I knew it!

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception'. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Frasier: Listen, Tom, you know I must confess I'm a bit concerned. Um. I'm delighted to have you as a fan, I really am. But the whole purpose of my show is to help people live better lives, and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours. I just... There should be more to life than... There should be more.
Tom: Yes, but as you always say, "Life is most fulfilling when spent in the pursuit of one's passions."
Frasier: Yes, but as I've also said, "Weave the tapestry of your life with many diverse threads."
Tom: Ah, yes, but you added, "Make sure to weave the pattern that pleases you most."
Niles: "Weave the tapestry with diverse threads"?
Tom: Yes, Frasier said all of these things, and many others. He is a genius. Would you like some guacamole?

Ted: Okay, good, because I've been thinking a lot about things, too.
Alexis: Like your proposal.
Ted: Yeah, the more I thought about it, the more it just didn't feel right.
Alexis: Yes! I agree!
Ted: Yeah, it came out of the blue, and you had a lot on your mind.
Alexis: Yes, Ted, yes!
Ted: So I think it may be best for us just to take some time, you know?
Alexis: Oh, my God, it's like we're sharing a brain!
Ted: Then in a few weeks, when we're settled, and more focused on each other, we try the whole proposal thing again. Hmm?
Alexis: Mmm-hmm...
Ted: Unless you were gonna say something else?
Alexis: No! [awkward chuckle] 'cause you and me... You and I... No, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! It's-mmm! So uh, us, the "us" thing, and... Um... Whoa!

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Ted: Listen. I don't want to apply any pressure to the whole marriage thing, but-
Alexis: Thank you, Ted, 'cause it's so hard to focus on something like that right now.
Ted: And I totally understand that. It's just you had said that you wanted to get married if you weren't leaving town, and you didn't leave town, so...
Alexis: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And I totally get that. Technically though, someone did leave, and so the dust just hasn't really settled on the whole us leaving thing. Yet.
Ted: Right.
Alexis: But obviously I want to be with you! I'm just so scared.
Ted: What, about David, or about being with-
Alexis: Yeah, that.

Chandler: Where you going, Joe?
Joey: For a walk.
Chandler: You mind if I join you?
Joey: Actually, I'd rather be alone. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural?
Joey: All right, fine. I only have one thought. It's about the hot nanny. I gotta see her.