Gloria: Ay, what is it?!
Manny: You can always tell when something's wrong.
Gloria: What is her name?
Manny: Chelsea, the prettiest barista who's ever served me a double-shot half-caff caramel macchiato with a dusting of cinnamon. I want to talk to her, but whenever I do, all I can say is, "mmmm."
Gloria: Maybe you used up all your words ordering that coffee.

Dylan: Morning, Dunphys. Oh, still no ducks, huh? Fascinating creatures. I just read a book about them.
Claire: You did?
Haley: Yes, mom. Dylan reads.
Dylan: It was my nephew's book. It was about a duck and a penguin who go on vacation together. You could touch the duck's fuzz.
Haley: Bloop-bloop!
Dylan: That's the sound she makes when she wants me to fast-forward.
Phil: I feel you, money. Claire does the same thing to me. I think it started when I was inventing that new dental floss.
Claire: Bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop!
Dylan: So, the book said ducklings imprint on their mom as soon as they're born. Their brains are so small, they just latch on to something and follow it around as a way to find food. Yum.

Jay: This show again?
Gloria: Yes. I don't know what it is. I love this character so much.
Jay: Who's the old crank?
Gloria: Her husband, of course.
Manny: Who's the disaster with the scarf?
Gloria: Her son, Pepito.
Manny: You at least look like your guy. My guy-
Jay: Can it, Pepito.

Phil: Hey, honey. Can you read that?
Claire: "Quack Nicholson."
Phil: Oh, good. If I spent the whole morning painting these tiny duck mailboxes and no one could read them, I'd feel pretty ridiculous.
Claire: Phil, duck feed!
Phil: Hey, that's almost my name.

Phil: So, this is the post office, 'cause where else are they gonna get their "bills"? Of course, you got to waddle past this guy to get to the nail salon. And word on the street is they're putting in a Crossfit next door.
Lily: Why are these two eggs sticky?
Phil: Uh, because the neighbor's dog is a real slobberer, but lucky, he's not very fast.
Lily: My teacher says that there's no such thing as weird, just different.
Phil: Aw, that's a lovely random thought. I drew up plans for a Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them, so I guess we'll just have to "wing" it. [quacks]

Cameron: I'll put her in back, and, um, don't worry, she's really friendly.
Luke: I ain't afraid of no goats.

Phil: [on the car phone] Tell me what you see!
Claire: Oh, god. I think I see a beak. Well, the good news is we're not breach. It looks like it's struggling to break through.
Phil: Okay, if you are concerned about traumatizing him, strap on that toucan beak I wore last Halloween when we dressed as Froot Loops and start pecking.
Claire: I'm using a fork.
Phil: Steady hands, Claire, please. I've seen you play "Operation."

Gloria: [aside to camera] Mariela Morales is my favorite actress, and she's staying in a hotel in town under the fake name Carmelita Contreras. I am going to wait for her at the lobby, and I know I sound like a stalker, but- But this is very different, because when we meet, we're going to be best friends. I can already smell her hair.

Phil: Oh, I hope those eggs are doing okay. I feel bad leaving them alone.
Lily: Probably safer that way.
Phil: I know people think I'm crazy. It's just more fun believing even when no one else does. Anyone can be a doubter. Did I ever tell you how I got them?
Lily: No, but I don't-
Phil: I found them abandoned in someone's yard, the poor things. No mother. No one to take care of them.
Lily: So, they're orphans? Where did their mother go?
Phil: I don't know. I know I'm all they have now.

Phil: Okay, who would hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping me build a duck village today?
Haley: That was some tricky wording.
Luke: That's how he gets us.
Claire: I got it. I would not hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping you. But only 'cause I have work.
Luke: I've got a driving lesson.
Haley: Uh, something.