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32Quotes from ‘She Crazy’

Modern Family: She Crazy

704. She Crazy

Aired October 14, 2015

Phil is pretty much alone in fussing over the unhatched duck eggs, so he seeks help from a reluctant Lily to build a duck village. Claire is nervous about pitching her closet ideas to Jay and the creative team. Cameron devolves into a middle-aged frat boy as he tries to bond with the college students renting the unit upstairs. Meanwhile, Gloria and Manny get a lesson in courage when they both try to talk to their respective "crushes".

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, what is it?!
Manny: You can always tell when something's wrong.
Gloria: What is her name?
Manny: Chelsea, the prettiest barista who's ever served me a double-shot half-caff caramel macchiato with a dusting of cinnamon. I want to talk to her, but whenever I do, all I can say is, "mmmm."
Gloria: Maybe you used up all your words ordering that coffee.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Morning, Dunphys. Oh, still no ducks, huh? Fascinating creatures. I just read a book about them.
Claire: You did?
Haley: Yes, mom. Dylan reads.
Dylan: It was my nephew's book. It was about a duck and a penguin who go on vacation together. You could touch the duck's fuzz.
Haley: Bloop-bloop!
Dylan: That's the sound she makes when she wants me to fast-forward.
Phil: I feel you, money. Claire does the same thing to me. I think it started when I was inventing that new dental floss.
Claire: Bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop!
Dylan: So, the book said ducklings imprint on their mom as soon as they're born. Their brains are so small, they just latch on to something and follow it around as a way to find food. Yum.

Quote from Jay

Jay: This show again?
Gloria: Yes. I don't know what it is. I love this character so much.
Jay: Who's the old crank?
Gloria: Her husband, of course.
Manny: Who's the disaster with the scarf?
Gloria: Her son, Pepito.
Manny: You at least look like your guy. My guy-
Jay: Can it, Pepito.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, honey. Can you read that?
Claire: "Quack Nicholson."
Phil: Oh, good. If I spent the whole morning painting these tiny duck mailboxes and no one could read them, I'd feel pretty ridiculous.
Claire: Phil, duck feed!
Phil: Hey, that's almost my name.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, this is the post office, 'cause where else are they gonna get their "bills"? Of course, you got to waddle past this guy to get to the nail salon. And word on the street is they're putting in a Crossfit next door.
Lily: Why are these two eggs sticky?
Phil: Uh, because the neighbor's dog is a real slobberer, but lucky, he's not very fast.
Lily: My teacher says that there's no such thing as weird, just different.
Phil: Aw, that's a lovely random thought. I drew up plans for a Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them, so I guess we'll just have to "wing" it. [quacks]

Quote from Luke

Cameron: I'll put her in back, and, um, don't worry, she's really friendly.
Luke: I ain't afraid of no goats.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the car phone] Tell me what you see!
Claire: Oh, god. I think I see a beak. Well, the good news is we're not breach. It looks like it's struggling to break through.
Phil: Okay, if you are concerned about traumatizing him, strap on that toucan beak I wore last Halloween when we dressed as Froot Loops and start pecking.
Claire: I'm using a fork.
Phil: Steady hands, Claire, please. I've seen you play "Operation."

Quote from Haley

Phil: Okay, who would hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping me build a duck village today?
Haley: That was some tricky wording.
Luke: That's how he gets us.
Claire: I got it. I would not hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping you. But only 'cause I have work.
Luke: I've got a driving lesson.
Haley: Uh, something.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, you found those eggs weeks ago, and they still haven't hatched. Should you prepare yourself for the possibility that they might be...
Phil: Alligators?
Haley: Dead.
Phil: What?! Can you believe your sister?
Luke: Yeah, I do. They're dead.
Phil: The only thing that's dead in this kitchen is your childlike sense of wonder.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: So, Dylan, I'm building a duck village later. You want to help?
Dylan: Whoa, whoa. That's some tricky wording on that question.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's time! Boil some towels!
Claire: Every time I have an egg? Really?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We have been renting the upstairs unit to some frat boys from Cam's old college. They're here for some big game and to try and get on "The Price Is Right. " Unfortunately for me, it has brought out Cam's "bromosexual" side.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: All right, let's do this!
Lily: Why is daddy talking like that?
Mitchell: She crazy.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Mariela Morales is my favorite actress, and she's staying in a hotel in town under the fake name Carmelita Contreras. I am going to wait for her at the lobby, and I know I sound like a stalker, but- But this is very different, because when we meet, we're going to be best friends. I can already smell her hair.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, commercials. So, this is what you're going to do. First you're gonna take me to the hotel to meet Mariela. I'm gonna invite her over for dinner tonight. She has a charity event at 5:00, but they're not serving food.
Manny: Stalker.
Gloria: While I'm with Mariela, you're gonna go back to your coffee girl and you're gonna give her the chance to get to know you.
Manny: You really think I-
Gloria: Shh! Commercial is over.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Just come over here and help dust me off. I've got an important meeting, and I can't go into the office covered in flaxseed.
Phil: It's actually a proprietary blend of oats, grub worms, and cricket parts.
Claire: And we're dusting.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: You know Luke has failed that driver's test twice now, right?
Mitchell: My options today are frat house, duck village, or car crash. I'm feeling very comfortable with my decision.

Quote from Mitchell

Luke: Silence makes me nervous. Talk about something. Tell me about your day.
Mitchell: Uh, okay. Well, this morning, uh, I woke up and almost got my nose broken by a football. We have some frat guys staying upstairs, and Cam hangs out with them a lot.
Luke: And you're not okay with that?
Mitchell: I don't know. I-I guess. [sighs] Who cares?
Luke: [looking at a driver in another lane] Come on, let me in.
Mitchell: Okay, if I'm being honest, I find Cam's behavior a little embarrassing, you know, with all of his "yos" and "bros." I mean, calm down. You're a middle-aged gay man who punctuates sentences with your hip.
Luke: Finally.
Mitchell: I know. It feels good to admit it, you know?
Luke: [to a pedestrian] Go on.
Mitchell: You know what else is really irritating? How needy he is with them.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: How did it go with your coffee girl?
Manny: Really great, actually. Yeah, I-
Gloria: You're lying.
Manny: How could you tell?
Gloria: I couldn't. You just confessed.
Manny: I got up to the counter and panicked. I bought two Christmas CDs, a muffin I didn't need, then left.

Quote from Phil

Lily: What the heck is that?
Phil: Oh, it's a duck call to make the ducklings feel safe.
Lily: Should there be another adult present?
Phil: No. But there should be a kid present. That kid is you. You've got your whole life to roll your eyes. Today isn't just about building a duck village. It's about building your smile. Don't fight it. There it is. [quacks]

Quote from Lily

Phil: We've got a runner! No! [blows] Hey, good as new.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Uh, she crazy.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: It's not just the frat boys. No. He's this way with all of our guests. Cam doesn't change the sheets as much as he changes his personality.
[flashback to Cameron having a tea party with some elderly ladies:]
Cameron: [Southern accent] All right, ladies. We got some steaming-hot tea, some popping-hot biscuits.
Now, let's have a little sizzling-hot gossip.
[flashback to Cameron watching a movie with an African-American family:]
Cameron: Do not go in there! Do not open- Oh, my god! - No! - Girl, do not go back in there! - Oh, my god!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, I'm sorry. For the past few weeks, I've been rolling my eyes at you, thinking that you had this pathological need to be liked by everyone, but I couldn't have been more wrong. All right? People are just drawn to you.
Cameron: No, I do have a pathological need to be liked.
Mitchell: I knew it.
Cameron: This is a stupid prank gone wrong, and I've- I'm separated from the guys. I wanted them to like me so much I stole a goat. I'm a rustler, Mitchell. I'm a filthy rustler.
Mitchell: Okay, well, that seems worse to you than it does to me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I do it with all of our guests. I change who I am so they'll like me more. It's exhausting.
Mitchell: Well, then, stop, because you're likable enough just being you.
Cameron: I know. And this insecurity is a part of me that I do not love.
Jace: Caminal!
Cameron: What's up, my brothers?!
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: What is wrong with me?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, I might have been too hard on you before. I'm just tired of everyone always pitching me their closet ideas. If I had a nickel for every time someone came to me with "the next great closet," I'd have a Pegasus series split-level walk-in full of nickels.
Claire: But, Dad, I'm in the biz. I should have known that those are old design ideas.
Jay: No one nails it on the first try. Hell, I once pitched a clamshell shoe container with a living hinge.
Claire: No.
Jay: I was young.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: I'm so sorry that I gave you such a hard time about not talking to Chelsea.
Manny: Actually, you kind of helped me out.
Gloria: How?
Manny: Seeing you fall apart like that, stutter, twitch, and babble-
Gloria: Okay, bloop-bloop.
Manny: You're the most confident woman in the world, and if someone like you can be human, then I don't have to feel bad about chickening out with girls.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [on the phone] Hi, Chelsea? I was in earlier, wearing the green jacket that's louder than that guy laughing at his own screenplay? She's laughing! I would like to take you out for coffee sometime, maybe at a place you don't have to make it? Great. O-okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What size tubing would I need for three ducklings to slide through? Cost is no ob- Where are you going? To the back to check on it? Thank you so much!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, I hope those eggs are doing okay. I feel bad leaving them alone.
Lily: Probably safer that way.
Phil: I know people think I'm crazy. It's just more fun believing even when no one else does. Anyone can be a doubter. Did I ever tell you how I got them?
Lily: No, but I don't-
Phil: I found them abandoned in someone's yard, the poor things. No mother. No one to take care of them.
Lily: So, they're orphans? Where did their mother go?
Phil: I don't know. I know I'm all they have now.

Quote from Lily

Phil: [on the phone] Hey, honey. Can I ask you a tiny little favor?
Claire: Okay.
Phil: Can you rotate the eggs-
Claire: No, Phil, I can't. I can't. I am tired, and I am sweaty, and as much as I have tried to stay positive like you all day, I think sometimes we need to just face certain facts like corporate people are not creative, and ducks that haven't hatched in a month might never.
Lily: Just turn the eggs, lady!

Quote from Claire

Phil: You know what? I was just thinking, if those duck eggs were still viable, maybe we should find out if you've got one or two fighters left in there, too.
Claire: No, thank you. I'm done with little ones running around the house.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Stay. Oh, I said stay.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The ducks imprinted on Claire. It's n-not a big deal.
[back:]
Claire: Come on, guys.
Phil: [tersely] She said stay!


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