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36Quotes from ‘The Long Honeymoon’

Modern Family: The Long Honeymoon

601. The Long Honeymoon

Aired September 24, 2014

The blissful peace at the Dunphy house is broken when Alex returns from a humanitarian trip from hell. Three months after their wedding, Mitchell feels Cameron is keeping the honeymoon going a little too long. Meanwhile, Gloria accuses Jay of not making an effort with his appearance.

Quote from Luke

Alex: What am I doing? I think I left my backpack in the driveway.
Haley: Stop kicking me!
Luke: You're kicking me! [door closes]
Haley: I'm sorry. I'm just fidgety today.
Luke: It's okay. A cookie might help. Here's that napkin you wanted.
Alex: [door opens] I got the mail!
Haley: Would it have killed you to give me one without ketchup on it?
Luke: Move!
Haley: You have room!
Luke: No, move out! You're 40!

Quote from Jay

Jay: This is unbelievable. The dry cleaner lost another one of my shirts. You know that nice, red-white-and-blue Hawaiian one?
Gloria: Yes, that was a very nice one.
Jay: That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you, this is a "Dateline" story waiting to happen.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You can't leave us. We're a danger to ourselves. We're a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.
Claire: It wasn't a perfect summer. It was a stupid summer. Without you here to shame me, I watched every "Real Housewives" episode and I only got to page two in "War and Peace."
Haley: Please stay.
Luke: We need at least one adult in this household.
Alex: Okay, fine. You know the attic window is open, right?
Phil: We really didn't.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Pretty snazzy new cheaters, huh? Five bucks.
Gloria: Wow.
Jay: I know, right?!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My husband is an older man, but he's not an old man. But with the track suit and, and now the glasses, it's like he just stopped trying lately. Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my quinceanera.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] After a storybook wedding and a magical honeymoon, Mitchell and I are finally newlyweds.
Mitchell: Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in your own chair?
Cameron: [scoffs] There's no more "my chair" or "your chair."
Mitchell: So we got back from our honeymoon several weeks ago, and it feels like it never-
Cameron: Never ended? Oh, my gosh. It's like we have one mind and one heart.
Mitchell: And one chair.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Happy three-month anniversary.
Mitchell: Oh, is that today? So, listen, I have this boring cocktail thing at the office, but I should be home by 6:00, and then we can head to the party.
Lily: For you, Dad. From Dad. Again.
Mitchell: Flowers? But you just got me flowers yesterday.
Cameron: Well, you also had cereal yesterday.
Mitchell: And I wouldn't mind having some today.
Lily: Sure was nice when this house wasn't full of bees.

Quote from Phil

[asides to camera:]
Phil: We are having-
Haley: The most perfect summer-
Luke: Ever.
Claire: Don't get me wrong, the Dunphys have had some great days. We just have a little trouble stringing them together.
Phil: Our record was eight consecutive blissful days, December 2007.
Claire: It was our Hanukkah.
Phil: This summer, all the Dunphys are just clicking.
Claire: Yeah, Haley and Luke are getting along, Alex is off building houses for the poor.
Phil: Which I know sounds awful, but she loves it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] My fashion blog is blowing up. I started doing these live video chats, and now I have over 50,000 subscribers! Oh, plus, my hair has never looked better. I'm not a religious person but I just woke up.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has been gardening. I've had time to catch up and read the classics.
Phil: When she isn't busy helping me with my magic-mirror disappearing trick.
Claire: I'm just gonna say it - suddenly, I love magic.
Phil: I don't care if it's the middle of the day. I just want to put you in a box and stick swords in you.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: If this summer wasn't magical enough, I haven't had a single bad plum!

Quote from Alex

Alex: And last night, my tent ripped, so I had to sleep under a plywood board leaning up against a van.
Haley: Pass me a napkin.
Luke: Is milady's arm broken?
Haley: Yours is about to be.
Claire: Aww, precious flowers.
Alex: Not that I could sleep with all the rats. And, by the way, if any of you start coughing up blood, my bad. I think I brought back the plague.

Quote from Jay

All: [on video chat] Jay!
Jay: Hi, guys. Nope, still don't speak Spanish. Always so much fun seeing you guys, though. Listen, I- Gloria?
Gloria: Hmm?
Jay: Your cousin's wearing my black, yellow, and peach Hawaiian shirt.
Gloria: Ay, please, Jay! Like you're the only man in this whole wide world that owns that shirt.
Jay: These designer specs don't just make my eyes pop. I can see the cigar burn I put on the left pocket.
Gloria: It's a coincidence.
Jay: There's a lot of those. Like according to your Uncle's hoodie here, he was on my track team at Buchanan high. Hey, guys. Tell you what. Why don't we sample some American food for a change? [puts tablet in the freezer] So, you're sending my clothes to Colombia?
Gloria: Just the old ones, and... And they send most of them back.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, counselor. What do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?
Mitchell: Cam, what are you doing here?
Cameron: Surprising my "hugsband"!
Mitchell: I'm hearing that term for the first time.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Your mom just feels like it's unlike you to walk away from something.
Alex: At least I could walk away. My tent-mate nail-gunned her foot to the floor. She was just walking around in a circle screaming until someone found her!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, my God! What am I looking at here?
Cameron: Well, I guess I'm crazy, because I've taken pictures of you sleeping every night since we got married because you're the man of my dreams.
Mitchell: Okay, super quick, if I was the man of your dreams, wouldn't you have to be the one sleeping?
Cameron: Don't pull that thread, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Speaking of which, what is this?
Cameron: Don't pull that thread, Mitchell.
[Mitchell pulls it and an array of pink balloons fall down]

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: This song this song was playing the night I asked you to move in.
Cameron: At that Applebee's.
Mitchell: I believe you owe me a dance.
Cameron: Yes.
Lily: Are we almost done with fairy time?
Mitchell: Lily, of all-
Cameron: Lily, that's offensive.
Lily: I just want to get out of this costume.

Quote from Phil

Alex: My ride's on its way. Don't worry, I'll wait outside on the curb. Honey, nobody wants you to go.
Phil: Yeah, even if you are bad luck, you're our bad luck.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's going on?
Mitchell: It seems pretty obvious.
Manny: I had to throw the party a week early to really surprise her.
Claire: Should we be concerned about her? That's kind of similar to the way mom left.
Jay: Gloria and I got in this whole thing about how we dress. Long story, I think she might need a little more time bef-
Gloria: [entering] Hola! I had this outfit underneath. Did you really think that I was gonna walk into a bar looking like that? Gracias!
Jay: All these years, you're telling me you can get ready that fast?

Quote from Claire

Luke: [British accent] More syrup for milady?
Haley: Why, thank you, kind sir.
Phil: Claire, do we still have any of those cookies that you and Luke baked?
Claire: Are we the kind of family that has cookies for breakfast? Yes, we are!

Quote from Gloria

All: [on video chat] Manny.
Gloria: Manny! Come! Talk to your cousins!
Manny: Hola! Manny, why you freeze the Colombians?
Manny: If I talk to one of them, I have to talk to 50 of them.
Gloria: Just do it as a birthday gift.
Manny: You always do this. Your birthday's not till next week.
Gloria: Not mine. It's aunt Rosario's eighty-second birthday today. That's why all the goats are wearing the party hats. Look!
All: [on video chat] Manny!
Manny: Hi, everyone.

Quote from Jay

Jay: We don't have to be at drinks till 5:00, so I'm gonna run a few errands, take these bad boys for a spin.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, why don't you wear that new outfit that I just got you?
Jay: Uh, a little flashy, that extra zipper. Like a staircase to nowhere.

Quote from Claire

Phil: And now, as my lovely assistant joins me, it's time to chant the incantation that will send this fair maiden into the sixth dimension.
Luke & Haley: By the hat of Merlin, by the witches of Gramanthia, we do make this offering to you -- be gone!
Claire: Did I do it? Did I disappear?
Phil: Almost. Just a little bit of forehead.
Claire: Oh, I can scrunch down.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Is he okay?
Claire: He's Mitchell. Look, I didn't even want to talk about it. We've had such a great thing going on here. I don't want to let that kind of negativity in the house. Alex!
Phil: Hey.
Claire: We didn't think you were coming back until next week.
Alex: I got a ride home early. This has been the worst summer ever!
Luke: [o.s.] Careful, you idiot!
Haley: [o.s.] You're an idiot!
Claire: Huh.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. That's enough. Luke, why don't you go water our garden. Haley, just disappear for a minute.
Haley: Well, it's not like you could help with that.
Phil: Abracad-ouch.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, it's great having Alex home, huh?
Phil: So great.
Claire: You don't think that she's the reason why we-
Phil: No. No, I do not. We both knew that this charmed summer had to have a bump in it somewhere.
Claire: Yes. Yeah. And it's not like Alex coming home could suddenly throw off our whole happy mojo. How's that plum?
Phil: [unconvincing] Great. Oh, my God.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I don't care if it's cliche, I love the convenience of a nice mini quiche.

Quote from Jay

Manny: So when will you guys be back?
Jay: Looks like somebody's entertaining a lady friend. Maybe you'll pour her a nice, tall glass of Manischewitz?
Manny: You know what? Sometimes just a straight answer.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Oh, my God. Okay, I see what this is. You all are happier when I'm not here.
Claire: No, that's not true.
Alex: Save it! I'll get a ride back up there and you all can continue to enjoy your perfect, little summer!
Claire: Alex, honey!
Alex: Leave me alone!
Luke: [o.s.] We just got free cinemax!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You know Herb might stop by, right? He takes the pictures for the company newsletter.
Gloria: Yes, I love "Herb's blurbs."

Quote from Jay

Jay: A couple of months ago, I was shopping at Barneys, you know I like to stay current. Anyhow, I'm coming out of the dressing room, and I see these two young guys laughing at me, you know, like "There's the old guy trying too hard." You know, of course I get mad. But I start thinking, "They're right, Jay. You're old. Just be old."
Gloria: [slaps Jay] Listen to me, Jay Pritchett! A lot of people assume that I married you because of your money, and that's only a very, very small part of it.
Jay: I'd like to go back to that.
Gloria: I married you because you were sexy. You still are. Who knows for how long that's gonna last, for either of us. So we have to keep making an effort for each other. Next time you go to Barneys, I go with you. Maybe you're just making the wrong choices.
Jay: Not always.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: What's up, dude?
Mitchell: Seriously?
Cameron: What, is that too romantic for you? [throwing away flowers] He loves me not. He loves me not. He loves me not.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Oh, Cam, come on! Even you have to admit this is excessive.
Cameron: Excessive? Really?
[Lily shoots Mitchell with a red arrow]
Lily: Struck by cupid's magic arrow.
Cameron: It's off, Lily.
Lily: Seriously? Two hours rehearsing with Rosa?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, what is going on with you?
Cameron: We just had the most romantic year ever, planning our ceremony, the wedding, the honeymoon, and I'm just worried if we let this go, we'll never get it back.
Mitchell: Well, that doesn't all just end.
Cameron: It did once. You know, the first two years we were together, we were insanely romantic. Then it became about parenting a-and working. And this last year, we got that back, and I just realized I've dropped the ball.
Mitchell: Oh, no. Well, m-maybe you -- you shouldn't be the only one carrying the ball. What if you did a give-off to me?
Cameron: A hand-off.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Why is your webcam on? Are you trying to humiliate me?
Haley: That light means it's on? It doesn't automatically turn off when you go to a different web page?
Alex: No, and considering you keep your laptop on your bed, right by where you change, and when you come out of the shower, and who knows what else...
Luke: Everyone knows what else! It's probably why you have 50,000 subscribers.
Phil: Hey! You should be ashamed of yourselves! [closes laptop]
Alex: Yeah, yeah. Still not off.

Quote from Alex

Claire: I tried to start that stupid "War and Peace" again last night in the bathtub, but then I fell asleep. It dropped in the water and I thought I would just dry it out.
Phil: Take cover! Take cover!
Claire: Okay! Okay! Oh, God!
Phil: Damn this thing!
Alex: Did nobody notice the oven light?! Lights mean things, people!

Quote from Alex

Phil: Look, you can leave if you want to, sweetheart, but we're not letting you go without a smile on your face. Luke and I poured a lot of love into this pie, so, here... Taste this. Taste our love.
Alex: You took the leaves off the rhubarb, right?
Phil: Um.
Alex: They're incredibly poisonous. You all could die.
Phil: No! Alex says they're poison!
Haley: We're right here! We heard her!

Quote from Lily

All: Surprise!
Gloria: Aah! [covers herself and runs off]
Lily: Just a thought. Maybe we should stop doing these.


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