Alex: What am I doing? I think I left my backpack in the driveway.
Haley: Stop kicking me!
Luke: You're kicking me! [door closes]
Haley: I'm sorry. I'm just fidgety today.
Luke: It's okay. A cookie might help. Here's that napkin you wanted.
Alex: [door opens] I got the mail!
Haley: Would it have killed you to give me one without ketchup on it?
Luke: Move!
Haley: You have room!
Luke: No, move out! You're 40!

Jay: This is unbelievable. The dry cleaner lost another one of my shirts. You know that nice, red-white-and-blue Hawaiian one?
Gloria: Yes, that was a very nice one.
Jay: That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you, this is a "Dateline" story waiting to happen.

Phil: You can't leave us. We're a danger to ourselves. We're a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.
Claire: It wasn't a perfect summer. It was a stupid summer. Without you here to shame me, I watched every "Real Housewives" episode and I only got to page two in "War and Peace."
Haley: Please stay.
Luke: We need at least one adult in this household.
Alex: Okay, fine. You know the attic window is open, right?
Phil: We really didn't.

Jay: Pretty snazzy new cheaters, huh? Five bucks.
Gloria: Wow.
Jay: I know, right?!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My husband is an older man, but he's not an old man. But with the track suit and, and now the glasses, it's like he just stopped trying lately. Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my quinceanera.

Cameron: Happy three-month anniversary.
Mitchell: Oh, is that today? So, listen, I have this boring cocktail thing at the office, but I should be home by 6:00, and then we can head to the party.
Lily: For you, Dad. From Dad. Again.
Mitchell: Flowers? But you just got me flowers yesterday.
Cameron: Well, you also had cereal yesterday.
Mitchell: And I wouldn't mind having some today.
Lily: Sure was nice when this house wasn't full of bees.

Haley: [aside to camera] My fashion blog is blowing up. I started doing these live video chats, and now I have over 50,000 subscribers! Oh, plus, my hair has never looked better. I'm not a religious person but I just woke up.

Cameron: [aside to camera] After a storybook wedding and a magical honeymoon, Mitchell and I are finally newlyweds.
Mitchell: Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in your own chair?
Cameron: [scoffs] There's no more "my chair" or "your chair."
Mitchell: So we got back from our honeymoon several weeks ago, and it feels like it never-
Cameron: Never ended? Oh, my gosh. It's like we have one mind and one heart.
Mitchell: And one chair.

[asides to camera:]
Phil: We are having-
Haley: The most perfect summer-
Luke: Ever.
Claire: Don't get me wrong, the Dunphys have had some great days. We just have a little trouble stringing them together.
Phil: Our record was eight consecutive blissful days, December 2007.
Claire: It was our Hanukkah.
Phil: This summer, all the Dunphys are just clicking.
Claire: Yeah, Haley and Luke are getting along, Alex is off building houses for the poor.
Phil: Which I know sounds awful, but she loves it.

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has been gardening. I've had time to catch up and read the classics.
Phil: When she isn't busy helping me with my magic-mirror disappearing trick.
Claire: I'm just gonna say it - suddenly, I love magic.
Phil: I don't care if it's the middle of the day. I just want to put you in a box and stick swords in you.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: If this summer wasn't magical enough, I haven't had a single bad plum!

Alex: And last night, my tent ripped, so I had to sleep under a plywood board leaning up against a van.
Haley: Pass me a napkin.
Luke: Is milady's arm broken?
Haley: Yours is about to be.
Claire: Aww, precious flowers.
Alex: Not that I could sleep with all the rats. And, by the way, if any of you start coughing up blood, my bad. I think I brought back the plague.