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‘The Long Honeymoon’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Long Honeymoon

601. The Long Honeymoon

Aired September 24, 2014

The blissful peace at the Dunphy house is broken when Alex returns from a humanitarian trip from hell. Three months after their wedding, Mitchell feels Cameron is keeping the honeymoon going a little too long. Meanwhile, Gloria accuses Jay of not making an effort with his appearance.

Quote from Luke

Alex: What am I doing? I think I left my backpack in the driveway.
Haley: Stop kicking me!
Luke: You're kicking me! [door closes]
Haley: I'm sorry. I'm just fidgety today.
Luke: It's okay. A cookie might help. Here's that napkin you wanted.
Alex: [door opens] I got the mail!
Haley: Would it have killed you to give me one without ketchup on it?
Luke: Move!
Haley: You have room!
Luke: No, move out! You're 40!

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Quote from Jay

Jay: This is unbelievable. The dry cleaner lost another one of my shirts. You know that nice, red-white-and-blue Hawaiian one?
Gloria: Yes, that was a very nice one.
Jay: That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you, this is a "Dateline" story waiting to happen.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You can't leave us. We're a danger to ourselves. We're a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.
Claire: It wasn't a perfect summer. It was a stupid summer. Without you here to shame me, I watched every "Real Housewives" episode and I only got to page two in "War and Peace."
Haley: Please stay.
Luke: We need at least one adult in this household.
Alex: Okay, fine. You know the attic window is open, right?
Phil: We really didn't.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Pretty snazzy new cheaters, huh? Five bucks.
Gloria: Wow.
Jay: I know, right?!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: My husband is an older man, but he's not an old man. But with the track suit and, and now the glasses, it's like he just stopped trying lately. Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my quinceanera.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] After a storybook wedding and a magical honeymoon, Mitchell and I are finally newlyweds.
Mitchell: Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in your own chair?
Cameron: [scoffs] There's no more "my chair" or "your chair."
Mitchell: So we got back from our honeymoon several weeks ago, and it feels like it never-
Cameron: Never ended? Oh, my gosh. It's like we have one mind and one heart.
Mitchell: And one chair.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Happy three-month anniversary.
Mitchell: Oh, is that today? So, listen, I have this boring cocktail thing at the office, but I should be home by 6:00, and then we can head to the party.
Lily: For you, Dad. From Dad. Again.
Mitchell: Flowers? But you just got me flowers yesterday.
Cameron: Well, you also had cereal yesterday.
Mitchell: And I wouldn't mind having some today.
Lily: Sure was nice when this house wasn't full of bees.

Quote from Phil

[asides to camera:]
Phil: We are having-
Haley: The most perfect summer-
Luke: Ever.
Claire: Don't get me wrong, the Dunphys have had some great days. We just have a little trouble stringing them together.
Phil: Our record was eight consecutive blissful days, December 2007.
Claire: It was our Hanukkah.
Phil: This summer, all the Dunphys are just clicking.
Claire: Yeah, Haley and Luke are getting along, Alex is off building houses for the poor.
Phil: Which I know sounds awful, but she loves it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] My fashion blog is blowing up. I started doing these live video chats, and now I have over 50,000 subscribers! Oh, plus, my hair has never looked better. I'm not a religious person but I just woke up.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has been gardening. I've had time to catch up and read the classics.
Phil: When she isn't busy helping me with my magic-mirror disappearing trick.
Claire: I'm just gonna say it - suddenly, I love magic.
Phil: I don't care if it's the middle of the day. I just want to put you in a box and stick swords in you.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: If this summer wasn't magical enough, I haven't had a single bad plum!

Quote from Alex

Alex: And last night, my tent ripped, so I had to sleep under a plywood board leaning up against a van.
Haley: Pass me a napkin.
Luke: Is milady's arm broken?
Haley: Yours is about to be.
Claire: Aww, precious flowers.
Alex: Not that I could sleep with all the rats. And, by the way, if any of you start coughing up blood, my bad. I think I brought back the plague.

Quote from Jay

All: [on video chat] Jay!
Jay: Hi, guys. Nope, still don't speak Spanish. Always so much fun seeing you guys, though. Listen, I- Gloria?
Gloria: Hmm?
Jay: Your cousin's wearing my black, yellow, and peach Hawaiian shirt.
Gloria: Ay, please, Jay! Like you're the only man in this whole wide world that owns that shirt.
Jay: These designer specs don't just make my eyes pop. I can see the cigar burn I put on the left pocket.
Gloria: It's a coincidence.
Jay: There's a lot of those. Like according to your Uncle's hoodie here, he was on my track team at Buchanan high. Hey, guys. Tell you what. Why don't we sample some American food for a change? [puts tablet in the freezer] So, you're sending my clothes to Colombia?
Gloria: Just the old ones, and... And they send most of them back.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, counselor. What do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?
Mitchell: Cam, what are you doing here?
Cameron: Surprising my "hugsband"!
Mitchell: I'm hearing that term for the first time.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Your mom just feels like it's unlike you to walk away from something.
Alex: At least I could walk away. My tent-mate nail-gunned her foot to the floor. She was just walking around in a circle screaming until someone found her!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, my God! What am I looking at here?
Cameron: Well, I guess I'm crazy, because I've taken pictures of you sleeping every night since we got married because you're the man of my dreams.
Mitchell: Okay, super quick, if I was the man of your dreams, wouldn't you have to be the one sleeping?
Cameron: Don't pull that thread, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Speaking of which, what is this?
Cameron: Don't pull that thread, Mitchell.
[Mitchell pulls it and an array of pink balloons fall down]

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: This song this song was playing the night I asked you to move in.
Cameron: At that Applebee's.
Mitchell: I believe you owe me a dance.
Cameron: Yes.
Lily: Are we almost done with fairy time?
Mitchell: Lily, of all-
Cameron: Lily, that's offensive.
Lily: I just want to get out of this costume.

Quote from Phil

Alex: My ride's on its way. Don't worry, I'll wait outside on the curb. Honey, nobody wants you to go.
Phil: Yeah, even if you are bad luck, you're our bad luck.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's going on?
Mitchell: It seems pretty obvious.
Manny: I had to throw the party a week early to really surprise her.
Claire: Should we be concerned about her? That's kind of similar to the way mom left.
Jay: Gloria and I got in this whole thing about how we dress. Long story, I think she might need a little more time bef-
Gloria: [entering] Hola! I had this outfit underneath. Did you really think that I was gonna walk into a bar looking like that? Gracias!
Jay: All these years, you're telling me you can get ready that fast?


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