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42Quotes from ‘Blindsided’

Modern Family: Blindsided

803. Blindsided

Aired October 5, 2016

Claire goes head-to-head with Jay and Gloria when Luke decides to run against Manny for senior class president. After Haley starts her own PR business, Phil decides to introduce her to his marketing guru, Merv Schechter (guest star Martin Short), who has been plastering Phil's face across an array of promotional goods for the last decade. Meanwhile, Mitchell is upset when Cameron unilaterally decides to let a star football player stay with them so he can remain on the team.

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: Mm, I'm going to miss this beautiful diva. Her tummy can get a little fussy, so if you're ever wondering what to cook for her, just ask yourself, "What would Patti LuPone eat?"

Quote from Phil

Phil: Not to sound like a total Katen, but Haley's new job seems whack.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: If Haley wants to work in promotion, she should learn from my guy, Mr. Merv Schechter. Among his brilliant innovations, the indoor blimp that drops coupons at basketball games. Sadly, it was later weaponized by several terrorist organizations.

Quote from Claire

Claire: All right, Luke, we need to talk. Grandpa is coming for you, and he has run successful political campaigns before. He got Mitchell elected class president before it was cool to be gay.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm so glad you like the house! Hey, so a few things: One, all the appliances are included, two, the previous residents were murdered there, and three, it just passed mold inspection. So, when should we- Uh-huh. Yeah. I get it. Well, we'll- We'll just keep looking. Although it does give the house character. If those walls could talk. I agree. It's not funny. Bye-bye.

Quote from Alex

Claire: It's okay, honey. You're gonna sell that murder house.
Phil: Thanks.
Claire: [reading Alex's writing] "Ahh, Get this blood off me!"
Claire: What? Wh- Off who?
Phil: [reading Alex's writing] The Walls? You mean Barb and Thad Wall? Are they in trouble?
[aside to camera; Alex holds up written notes: "Under doctor's orders not to talk for 2 days", "B/c sore throat b/c mono", "The one person in this family with anything to say...", "And I can't talk"]

Quote from Haley

Haley: Can you guys just give me a chance to get this thing off the ground?
Phil: Yes. We can. I always keep an open mind.
Claire: Fine. You take this one. My plate's full. I've got a meeting at school today to discuss Luke's college options.
Haley: [chuckles] Should be a short meeting.
[Alex screws up her piece of paper]

Quote from Luke

Principal Brown: Shall we start?
Claire: Shouldn't we wait for Luke's guidance counselor?
Principal Brown: Mrs. Marks is going through a terrible divorce. She's very fragile right now. So I'm trying to keep the more challenging cases away from her.
Luke: None taken.

Quote from Luke

Principal Brown: I have been perusing your transcript. [chuckles] And, uh, apropos of nothing, you know, not every kid is destined for college.
Claire: But Luke is, right?
Principal Brown: Okay, I'll play along. The reality is that Luke's grades and test scores are what we educators call suboptimal.
Luke: Is that good?
Principal Brown: See what I'm talking about?

Quote from Luke

Principal Brown: So, we're gonna have to really juice the extracurriculars, okay? Is there anything he's, uh, passionate about?
Luke: I love chicken pot pie.
Claire: Remember when I said I would do most of the talking?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, we need a new president. Why don't I just do that? Maybe it'll be cool. I do like bossing people around.
Claire: That's called leadership. Wow, look at you.
Luke: I think I'm maturing.
Claire: Luke, this is a lot of work. Are you sure you're up for it?
Luke: Mom, it's all I've ever wanted since I heard about it a minute ago.

Quote from Haley

Haley: All right, girls. So, I have a couple notes about last night. Arizona, I was looking at your selfies. Are your parents mallards?
Arizona: What?
Haley: What's with all the duckface? You look like you're at a bachelorette party in Tampa.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Luke's running for President? I mean, I love him, but...
Gloria: Jay is right. Luke is a dummy.
Jay: Never said that.
Manny: He wants a fight, he's got one. I'm going to hit my step-nephew with so many stinging rejoinders that he'll be crying step-uncle.
Jay: Yes! Dynamic wordplay! High-school kids love that!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny has been working all his life to be president, and now Luke just salsas in and tries to take it away from him. It's not fair.
Claire: Look, this means a lot to Luke, too. It's given him a whole new sense of purpose.
Jay: I've heard enough, and I've made my decision. Manny will be president this term, and we'll run Luke next year.
Luke: I'm graduating.
Gloria: That's the spirit!

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Oh, I was thinking about what you said yesterday, and you were right. We should be able to make our own decisions, you know?
Ronaldo: Ay, all I can say is, thank you again. Dane Edna, say hi to your foster daddies.
Cameron: Ronaldo, what's going on?
Mitchell: Oh, we're taking care of Dane Edna while Ronaldo takes Pepper to Asia for a medical procedure.
Cameron: Is everything okay?
Ronaldo: Oh, don't worry. Between us, he's getting a monkey chin in Laos.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Oh. Oh, and I'm sorry. I-I didn't ask you about this, but it's really important to me. And you said you'd support any decision I made.
Cameron: I'm not sure what you're doing, because you're being so subtle, but if you think a giant, slobbery dog is what this household needs, then color me gung ho.
Ronaldo: Here are her medicines. The ones wrapped in foil don't go in the mouth.
Mitchell: Okay.
Lily: [dog barks, takes food away from Lily] Ah.
Ronaldo: Ah, yeah. I'm so sorry. We've trained her to take carbs away from us.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Can you believe this young man has a grandkid in college?
Haley: Mm.
Merv Schechter: It's all about lifestyle. Really, I walk five miles a day, and I've had a tremendous amount of plastic surgery. Oh! I had a brainstorm on that property of yours that you're trying to unload. You know, where the people- [cut throat jesture] Ckkk!
Phil: Yeah.
Merv Schechter: You lean into it.
Phil: Hmm?
Merv Schechter: You- You call it "Massacre Manor," "Downton Stabby," "Charles Mansion." I mean, like, I-I got a million of them. Actually, I probably- I have three more.
Phil: See? A master.

Quote from Luke

Manny: What's with the suit?
Luke: Me? Why are you dressed like Nicki Minaj?
Manny: My mom and Jay said it made me more relatable. I feel like an idiot.
Luke: Yeah. Me too. My mom forced me to wear this so I'd be more like you.
Manny: Yeah, because I'd wear a brown belt with black shoes?
Luke: You know what we should do? Throw out our speeches and speak from the heart.
Manny: That's a great idea. You forgot your speech, didn't you?
Luke: I plead the second.

Quote from Luke

Manny: The point is, we are two individuals with our own unique personalties and ideas.
Luke: What he said.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I won.
Manny: It was the lowest voter turnout in school history. They hated the both of us.
Luke: But you more.

Quote from Luke

Merv Schechter: So, Phil, what can I do you for?
Phil: Well, oh wise one [chuckles], uh, Luke here is President of the Student Council, but he needs some professional help.
Luke: I have a likability issue.
Merv Schechter: Yeah, I saw that when you came in. What we need to do is promote you, okay? I see a pin, "I like Luke." I see a bracelet, "Luke is no fluke." I see a stadium cushion, "Luke has your back... side."
Phil: [laughing] How do you do that?
Luke: How about phone cases?
Merv Schechter: Phone cases?
Phil: I am so sorry.
Merv Schechter: [exhales heavily] Sweetheart, this is why people don't like you.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Morning.
Claire: Oh, would you like some coffee?
Haley: God, no. I've been up all night. I got to get to bed. Hey, can you guys not use, like, the blender or vacuum or anything? I just need five hours.

Quote from Alex

Haley: I put a group of girls together, and we promote clubs and stuff via social media.
Claire: That doesn't sound like a real job. Your last job barely sounded like a real job.
Haley: We made $500 last night for promoting a hookah bar.
Claire: I remember when you were a little girl. You told me you wanted your job to be "princess." I would kill for those days.
Phil: [reading Alex's note] "Is that why you're dressed like a hookah?" Honey, you're not making sense again. Do you need to lie down?

Quote from Phil

Haley: Mom, I knew you would be like this. Dad, you understand what I'm doing, right?
Phil: Of course. Power of social media. I'm on "Team Gets It."

Quote from Claire

Principal Brown: So, where did we land? We're putting Luke on Adderall or taking him off? I forget.
Claire: We weren't discussing Adderall.
[later:]
Claire: Although, Adderall has helped a lot of kids.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, Jay, do you need to julienne any vegetables?
Jay: What?
Manny: If so, you can use the knife your grandson jammed in my back.
Jay: Well, that was worth the journey.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: What happened, papi?
Manny: Luke decided to run against me for Student Council President. I've devoted my entire life to public service, only to be challenged by a guy who's devoted his entire life to watching skateboard fails on YouTube.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Anyhoo, there's a football player on the team who needs a place to stay until the end of football-
Mitchell: No. No, no, no.
Cameron: Would you let me finish?
Mitchell: Okay, fine. Go ahead.
Cameron: Season.
Mitchell: No. He can't stay here. Cam, we don't have the room.
Cameron: He can sleep in the den.
Mitchell: I love the den. I watch TV in the den. Besides, where are you gonna sleep tonight after this fight?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Why do you always insist on making these big decisions without discussing it with me first?
Cameron: I do not.
Mitchell: You asked that couple we met at the car-rental counter to vacation with us.
Cameron: It would have been rude not to.
Mitchell: It was our honeymoon.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Hola, Luke!
Luke: Hey, guys. What are you doing in my room?
Jay: Just wanted to see my favorite grandson.
Luke: You guys been drinking?
Jay: No more than usual.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I don't like to play this card, but I am the patriarch, and I have spoken.
Claire: Not much of a card, Dad, 'cause I don't really care. So, how about the two of you get going, because Luke has a speech to work on?
Jay: You want to go up against the Pritchett political machine? So be it!
Luke: Bye, Grandpa!
Jay: [warmly] Bye, kiddo!

Quote from Luke

Luke: I've got this, Mom. I'm running on a gun platform.
Claire: What are you talking about?
Luke: I'm talking about my guns. [flexes arms]

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'm running for president, Mom. I'll wear a suit and tie.
Jay: Well, then you'll be dressed for your funeral. Kid, you got to know your audience.
Manny: You don't think I can relate to my peers? Well, this is a fine kettle of fish.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Wait. You think I'm going to lose? But you never think I'm going to lose!
Jay: Look, you're a great kid. All we're saying is be a little more Casual Friday, a little Ash Wednesday.
Gloria: Yeah. Go up there and be like, "Yo! What's up, ballers?!" [chuckles] "Mondays off. Like, pizza and whatever."
Manny: This is feeling a little weird.
Jay: Trust us.
Manny: If you really think it'll help.
Jay: [to Gloria] Hey, write that pizza-pie thing down while it's fresh.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Okay. I'm gonna go first. I was petty and vindictive, and I will find someone else to look after the dog. Do you have anything to say?
Cameron: Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy.
Mitchell: Cam, I swear to God-
Cameron: Okay, okay. You're right. I should have consulted you first. I'll tell Dwight that he has to move out after the game tonight.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Lily: Not that anybody cares, but for lunch, I had a lozenge.

Quote from Phil

Haley: So, uh, how long is this going to take?
Phil: I just need to reorder some promotional Frisbees, and say a quick hi to Merv, the genius who supplied me with coasters and key chains for over a decade. He even put my face on a pillow.
Haley: That story makes me want to put a pillow over my face. Can we just get this over with? I have a spray tan at 4:00.
Merv Schechter: Spray tan! Who needs a spray tan? Someone in winter. [chuckles] That's why you put a coupon on a ice scraper. Boom! Just sent another grandkid to Brandeis.
Phil: He shoots, he scores!

Quote from Haley

Phil: Merv, meet my daughter Haley.
Merv Schechter: Nice to meet you. Your daddy tells me that you have come down with the Madison Avenue flu.
Haley: I don't understand anything that's happening here.
Merv Schechter: I feel the same way when I watch "Empire."

Quote from Phil

Merv Schechter: Oh! No, you don't! [groans] Some mangy cat keeps sitting on the roof of my new Rolls.
Phil: Merv collects cars.
Merv Schechter: Not to brag, but I could do a production of "12 Angry Men" starring cars.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What is he talking about? What's Madison Avenue flu?
Phil: Oh. I-I may have mentioned that you had a- a budding interest in the promotional arts, and, total stroke of luck, Merv's assistant is very, very sick.
Haley: Wait a minute. You think my business is in the same universe as Carl's Auto Body toilet seat covers?
Phil: Carl just opened a third location because of that wizard.
Merv Schechter: You got two lives left, Taffy! Is this how you want to spend them?!
Haley: I don't need a job. I have one. What happened to "Team Gets It"?
Phil: Well, I don't gets it. Just seems like you're hanging out at clubs taking pictures with a bunch of party girls. I mean, I want to be hip, but none of this makes any sense to me. I just want what's best for you.
Haley: Nice pep talk. Oh, and thanks for underestimating me. You know, if you were Orville Redenbacher's dad, we wouldn't have airplanes!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey, losers. Thought I'd see you down at the concession stand.
Jay: How long were you working on that one?
Gloria: Is that one of the gems that you wrote into Luke's speech?
Claire: I will have you know that Luke wrote his own speech. He contributed. He was there.

Quote from Claire

Manny: Actually, we're going to speak together. Luke and I are here because we each want your votes. However, certain people want to change us into being something each of us is not.
Claire: They're publicly shaming us.
Gloria: We deserve it.
Jay: The important thing is you two learned something.
Claire: Save it, patriarch.

Quote from Haley

Phil: I got to admit, I'm really impressed that you got all these people here, but they, um- they don't really look like house buyers.
Haley: Dad, you have no idea who has money anymore. You see that girl? She makes six figures playing video games. And that dude, he invented an app for trashing your friends called App Smear.
Phil: Oh.
Haley: Any one of these people could buy this house. And if they do, you give us a percentage of your commission. That's how we make money.

Quote from Phil

Goth Girl: You the realtor?
Phil: Indeed, I am.
Goth Girl: I like this place. Show me where it happened.
Phil: Um, it's right down this hall. After you.
Haley: Her dad's loaded.
Phil: By the way, have you seen the price? The, uh- The owner wasn't the only thing that's been slashed.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, listen, I got something kind of rough I need to tell you.
Dwight: No, I know you and Mitchell aren't just roommates. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything you're doing for me.
Cameron: Yeah, listen, I don't know how I'm gonna tell you this. [sighs] So I'm not gonna. I just need you to do everything I tell you. Put your head on my shoulder. That's it. Get in there. Now, I need you to pretend to start crying, really get those shoulders into it.
Dwight: [imitates sobbing]
Cameron: Yeah, that's it. That's good.


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