Previous Episode Next Episode 


Season 8, Episode 3 -  Aired October 5, 2016

Claire goes head-to-head with Jay and Gloria when Luke decides to run against Manny for senior class president. After Haley starts her own PR business, Phil decides to introduce her to his marketing guru, Merv Schechter (guest star Martin Short), who has been plastering Phil's face across an array of promotional goods for the last decade. Meanwhile, Mitchell is upset when Cameron unilaterally decides to let a star football player stay with them so he can remain on the team.

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: Mm, I'm going to miss this beautiful diva. Her tummy can get a little fussy, so if you're ever wondering what to cook for her, just ask yourself, "What would Patti LuPone eat?"


Quote from Phil

Phil: Not to sound like a total Katen, but Haley's new job seems whack.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: If Haley wants to work in promotion, she should learn from my guy, Mr. Merv Schechter. Among his brilliant innovations, the indoor blimp that drops coupons at basketball games. Sadly, it was later weaponized by several terrorist organizations.

Quote from Claire

Claire: All right, Luke, we need to talk. Grandpa is coming for you, and he has run successful political campaigns before. He got Mitchell elected class president before it was cool to be gay.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm so glad you like the house! Hey, so a few things: One, all the appliances are included, two, the previous residents were murdered there, and three, it just passed mold inspection. So, when should we- Uh-huh. Yeah. I get it. Well, we'll- We'll just keep looking. Although it does give the house character. If those walls could talk. I agree. It's not funny. Bye-bye.

Quote from Alex

Claire: It's okay, honey. You're gonna sell that murder house.
Phil: Thanks.
Claire: [reading Alex's writing] "Ahh, Get this blood off me!"
Claire: What? Wh- Off who?
Phil: [reading Alex's writing] The Walls? You mean Barb and Thad Wall? Are they in trouble?
[aside to camera; Alex holds up written notes: "Under doctor's orders not to talk for 2 days", "B/c sore throat b/c mono", "The one person in this family with anything to say...", "And I can't talk"]

Quote from Haley

Haley: Can you guys just give me a chance to get this thing off the ground?
Phil: Yes. We can. I always keep an open mind.
Claire: Fine. You take this one. My plate's full. I've got a meeting at school today to discuss Luke's college options.
Haley: [chuckles] Should be a short meeting.
[Alex screws up her piece of paper]

Quote from Luke

Principal Brown: Shall we start?
Claire: Shouldn't we wait for Luke's guidance counselor?
Principal Brown: Mrs. Marks is going through a terrible divorce. She's very fragile right now. So I'm trying to keep the more challenging cases away from her.
Luke: None taken.

Quote from Luke

Principal Brown: I have been perusing your transcript. [chuckles] And, uh, apropos of nothing, you know, not every kid is destined for college.
Claire: But Luke is, right?
Principal Brown: Okay, I'll play along. The reality is that Luke's grades and test scores are what we educators call suboptimal.
Luke: Is that good?
Principal Brown: See what I'm talking about?

Quote from Luke

Principal Brown: So, we're gonna have to really juice the extracurriculars, okay? Is there anything he's, uh, passionate about?
Luke: I love chicken pot pie.
Claire: Remember when I said I would do most of the talking?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, we need a new president. Why don't I just do that? Maybe it'll be cool. I do like bossing people around.
Claire: That's called leadership. Wow, look at you.
Luke: I think I'm maturing.
Claire: Luke, this is a lot of work. Are you sure you're up for it?
Luke: Mom, it's all I've ever wanted since I heard about it a minute ago.

Page 2