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‘Wine Weekend’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Wine Weekend

916. Wine Weekend

Aired March 21, 2018

When the whole family stays in Haley's boss's country house in wine country, there is one rule: Don't touch the tiara. As Phil and Cameron secretly practice a dance routine, Jay and Claire sneak about with Stella, and Gloria and Mitchell attend a party at Oprah's house, Manny tries to get to the bottom of who broke the tiara.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, it is not that simple. The formula for NERP is very specific: former actress plus confidence based on nothing equals millions in sales of iffy wellness products.
Phil: We should get her a gift for letting us stay here, but what do you give someone who's researching charcoal toothbrushes in Sri Lanka?
Haley: Oh, actually, she's judging a placenta-cooking contest in Minsk.

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Quote from Haley

Haley: Thanks for trying to help, Manny. I guess we'll really never know who broke that tiara.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I broke the tiara. I was alone at the house the night before doing a little private wine tasting.
[flashback:]
Haley: [mockingly] I made a website, and I tell people how to live. Get a latte enema. Drink ocean water.
[tiara clatters] Oh. Ooh.
[back:]
Haley: I knew if I said to my family, "Do not touch", one of those bozos would have to try it on and then think they cracked it themselves. That's right. I'm a little smarter than people think. But lucky, too. That moose almost ruined everything.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: Obviously, this is the living room. There's a fully stocked bar in the den, and the home theater is downstairs.
Mitchell: Wow. So, your boss launches one style website and she can afford all of this? I wish "1950s closeted father" was a look people were clamoring for.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Fortunately, I have a tactic for getting rid of things that I hate. I suggest that Phil brings them on vacation, and then I forget to repack them. Thanks. Dollar-sign necktie I flung it over Niagara Falls. The belt buckle with "Pimp" in crystals? Chucked it in the Grand Canyon.
Jay: Huh. I wonder if that's what Gloria did to my denim vest in the Galapagos.
Claire: I just gotta sneak out tonight and disappear those bear slippers in the woods. Am I a terrible person?
Jay: No, but there might be a pattern of desecrating national parks you might want to look at.

Quote from Jay

Haley: Hey, what's that?
Manny: It appears to be two bottom halves of a gingerbread man melded together.
Haley: Uh, it looks like a bone. It's a dog treat.
Jay: No, it's a human treat, and it's shaped like a bone because it's full of calcium. I was snacking on them earlier in the day and I must have dropped one. [groaning, muffled] Mmm, they're delicious.

Quote from Manny

Jay: What the hell was that?
Manny: What is any of this? I can't make sense of these clues. What kind of raccoon isn't scared off by the presence of a moose?

Quote from Jay

Jay: All we need to know is that Mitchell, Gloria, Cam, and Phil are the four and only suspects.
Cam: Not only! [all arguing]
Jay: One at a time! Phil, go first.
Phil: Well, that's a lot of pressure.
Jay: Speak!
[Stella barks in distance]
Gloria: What is that noise? It's like a dog saying, "Hello."
Jay: Sounds to me like a California barking moose.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Oh, Ronaldo's FaceTiming.
Ronaldo: [on FaceTime, nervously] Hey, guys. So, uh, listen. Oprah knows about the candy dish.
Mitchell: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ronaldo: There are cameras, Mitchell! You need to bring it back.
Cameron: Where are you?
Ronaldo: I'm still here at Oprah's, under my own free will. And I will probably stay here in this tower until she gets her dish back. It's quite meaningful. She stole it from [grunts] got it as a gift from Michelle Obama [computer beeps]

Quote from Manny

Manny: So, we're in wine country. When does the wine tasting start, because I can use it after the public bashing I've had to endure.
Jay: Here we go. No more boo-hooing, Manny. The review wasn't that bad.
Manny: He called my portrayal of Inspector Poirot "unconvincing," "not believable," "hard to buy," and "ironically redundant". Hey, Mitch, Cam, now that you guys have had a chance to sleep on my performance, what did you think?
Mitchell: It was a tricky part.
Cameron: Yeah, and I don't blame you. I blame whoever cast you.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Oh, one last thing: do not touch the tiara on display in the drawing room. It is very delicate. Got it?
Claire: Sorry, honey. You're just- You're doing that thing where you look like a really intense baby deer.
Phil: Oh, the scarier you try to be, the more adorable you are.
Claire: I know!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Whatever. I have, like, a million errands to run for my boss.
Manny: Hang on. Since, uh, no one's called dibs on the master bedroom, I assume it's up for grabs.
Haley: Oh, actually, there are only three guest bedrooms upstairs, so you'll have to sleep in there, okay?
Manny: The maid's quarters? But I'll be right next to the creaky do- [door creaks loudly]
Jay: You know, if you want, I can put some oil on that.
Haley: Oh, no, no, no. Don't. These are traditional Tibetan creaking hinges.[Door creaks, closes]
Cameron: We need those.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I love Phil. Let's just get that out of the way first, but he has these bear slippers. I don't know where they came from, probably the same place that sells pinky rings and other things that make it difficult to see your husband as a sexual being.
[flashback:]
Phil: Oh, my gosh. I don't think I'm allowed here in my bare feet. [laughs]

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Stella's been severely depressed because her best friend, Norman, the next-door neighbor's dog, just died. She won't even do her favorite trick anymore.
[flashback:]
Jay: Stella. Stella, speak. Speak. Like you're saying "Hello". [howling] Hellooo! Hel-Hellooo!
Manny: Hello?

Quote from Jay

Jay: I wanted to bring Stella on the trip to cheer her up. She never sees seasons, but Gloria wanted one night with just the two of us in bed, so I did the only sensible thing.
Claire: You left her at home with a dog sitter?
Jay: Checked her in the hotel down the road. I'm trying to get some wine in Gloria so she passes out early and I can sneak off and feed Stella.
Claire: The hotel down the road? You mean the Ritz?
Jay: I had points. Calm down.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Wait, is that Ronaldo!
Ronaldo: Mitchell! What a surprise. And who is this? I always assumed I was your sexiest Latin friend.
Gloria: [laughing] This is Gloria. Gloria, Ronaldo.
Gloria: Bolivian?
Ronaldo: Guatemalan. Venezuelan?
Gloria: Colombian.
Ronaldo: Mm-hmm.
Mitchell: Not sure what this is.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Cam's in a feud with Ronaldo's husband over what type of cracker belongs on a cheese platter.
Ronaldo: Water cracker. The cheese is the star. This isn't our fight.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Can you believe this? We're going to a party at Oprah's.
Gloria: What if we become friends with her? What if we get our own TV show? Who's gonna pick up Joe from school?!
Mitchell: Gloria, we'll have drivers.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Cameron?
Cameron: Philip?
Phil: Did you hear that?
Cameron: You mean when our dance instructor told us we were basically street-dance superstars?
Phil: Did you notice how he singled us out? He didn't even mention Mitch or Claire. [whispering] It's like he's saying they're holding us back.
Cameron: Okay. You know what? We need to shed our dead-weight spouses. There is nobody I would rather impress more than Sho Nuff.
Phil: True dat.
Cameron: No, True Dat's just the DJ. I don't care what he thinks.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Phil: Turns out, Cam and I make tremendous dance partners. Our bodies are so in tune, it's like we finish each other's-
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: sequences. Phil starts a move, and I instinctually complete it. And, yeah, it's as powerful as it sounds.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Did you ever think a farm boy from Missouri and and a real-estate agent from Key West, Florida, would get the opportunity to audition for the prestigious Tuesday Company? And it only costs slightly more than regular classes.
Phil: We could be the greatest masters-level hip-hop duo since Pump Up and The Jam!

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