Haley: Oh, it is not that simple. The formula for NERP is very specific: former actress plus confidence based on nothing equals millions in sales of iffy wellness products.
Phil: We should get her a gift for letting us stay here, but what do you give someone who's researching charcoal toothbrushes in Sri Lanka?
Haley: Oh, actually, she's judging a placenta-cooking contest in Minsk.

Haley: Thanks for trying to help, Manny. I guess we'll really never know who broke that tiara.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I broke the tiara. I was alone at the house the night before doing a little private wine tasting.
[flashback:]
Haley: [mockingly] I made a website, and I tell people how to live. Get a latte enema. Drink ocean water.
[tiara clatters] Oh. Ooh.
[back:]
Haley: I knew if I said to my family, "Do not touch", one of those bozos would have to try it on and then think they cracked it themselves. That's right. I'm a little smarter than people think. But lucky, too. That moose almost ruined everything.

Haley: Obviously, this is the living room. There's a fully stocked bar in the den, and the home theater is downstairs.
Mitchell: Wow. So, your boss launches one style website and she can afford all of this? I wish "1950s closeted father" was a look people were clamoring for.

Claire: Fortunately, I have a tactic for getting rid of things that I hate. I suggest that Phil brings them on vacation, and then I forget to repack them. Thanks. Dollar-sign necktie I flung it over Niagara Falls. The belt buckle with "Pimp" in crystals? Chucked it in the Grand Canyon.
Jay: Huh. I wonder if that's what Gloria did to my denim vest in the Galapagos.
Claire: I just gotta sneak out tonight and disappear those bear slippers in the woods. Am I a terrible person?
Jay: No, but there might be a pattern of desecrating national parks you might want to look at.

Haley: Hey, what's that?
Manny: It appears to be two bottom halves of a gingerbread man melded together.
Haley: Uh, it looks like a bone. It's a dog treat.
Jay: No, it's a human treat, and it's shaped like a bone because it's full of calcium. I was snacking on them earlier in the day and I must have dropped one. [groaning, muffled] Mmm, they're delicious.

Jay: What the hell was that?
Manny: What is any of this? I can't make sense of these clues. What kind of raccoon isn't scared off by the presence of a moose?

Jay: All we need to know is that Mitchell, Gloria, Cam, and Phil are the four and only suspects.
Cam: Not only! [all arguing]
Jay: One at a time! Phil, go first.
Phil: Well, that's a lot of pressure.
Jay: Speak!
[Stella barks in distance]
Gloria: What is that noise? It's like a dog saying, "Hello."
Jay: Sounds to me like a California barking moose.

Mitchell: Oh, Ronaldo's FaceTiming.
Ronaldo: [on FaceTime, nervously] Hey, guys. So, uh, listen. Oprah knows about the candy dish.
Mitchell: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ronaldo: There are cameras, Mitchell! You need to bring it back.
Cameron: Where are you?
Ronaldo: I'm still here at Oprah's, under my own free will. And I will probably stay here in this tower until she gets her dish back. It's quite meaningful. She stole it from [grunts] got it as a gift from Michelle Obama [computer beeps]

Mitchell: Wait, is that Ronaldo!
Ronaldo: Mitchell! What a surprise. And who is this? I always assumed I was your sexiest Latin friend. [Gloria laughs]
Mitchell: This is Gloria. Gloria, Ronaldo.
Gloria: Bolivian?
Ronaldo: Guatemalan. Venezuelan?
Gloria: Colombian.
Ronaldo: Mm-hmm.
Mitchell: Not sure what this is.

Manny: So, we're in wine country. When does the wine tasting start, because I can use it after the public bashing I've had to endure.
Jay: Here we go. No more boo-hooing, Manny. The review wasn't that bad.
Manny: He called my portrayal of Inspector Poirot "unconvincing," "not believable," "hard to buy," and "ironically redundant". Hey, Mitch, Cam, now that you guys have had a chance to sleep on my performance, what did you think?
Mitchell: It was a tricky part.
Cameron: Yeah, and I don't blame you. I blame whoever cast you.