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36Quotes from ‘Wine Weekend’

Modern Family: Wine Weekend

916. Wine Weekend

Aired March 21, 2018

When the whole family stays in Haley's boss's country house in wine country, there is one rule: Don't touch the tiara. As Phil and Cameron secretly practice a dance routine, Jay and Claire sneak about with Stella, and Gloria and Mitchell attend a party at Oprah's house, Manny tries to get to the bottom of who broke the tiara.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, it is not that simple. The formula for NERP is very specific: former actress plus confidence based on nothing equals millions in sales of iffy wellness products.
Phil: We should get her a gift for letting us stay here, but what do you give someone who's researching charcoal toothbrushes in Sri Lanka?
Haley: Oh, actually, she's judging a placenta-cooking contest in Minsk.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Thanks for trying to help, Manny. I guess we'll really never know who broke that tiara.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I broke the tiara. I was alone at the house the night before doing a little private wine tasting.
[flashback:]
Haley: [mockingly] I made a website, and I tell people how to live. Get a latte enema. Drink ocean water.
[tiara clatters] Oh. Ooh.
[back:]
Haley: I knew if I said to my family, "Do not touch", one of those bozos would have to try it on and then think they cracked it themselves. That's right. I'm a little smarter than people think. But lucky, too. That moose almost ruined everything.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: Obviously, this is the living room. There's a fully stocked bar in the den, and the home theater is downstairs.
Mitchell: Wow. So, your boss launches one style website and she can afford all of this? I wish "1950s closeted father" was a look people were clamoring for.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Fortunately, I have a tactic for getting rid of things that I hate. I suggest that Phil brings them on vacation, and then I forget to repack them. Thanks. Dollar-sign necktie I flung it over Niagara Falls. The belt buckle with "Pimp" in crystals? Chucked it in the Grand Canyon.
Jay: Huh. I wonder if that's what Gloria did to my denim vest in the Galapagos.
Claire: I just gotta sneak out tonight and disappear those bear slippers in the woods. Am I a terrible person?
Jay: No, but there might be a pattern of desecrating national parks you might want to look at.

Quote from Jay

Haley: Hey, what's that?
Manny: It appears to be two bottom halves of a gingerbread man melded together.
Haley: Uh, it looks like a bone. It's a dog treat.
Jay: No, it's a human treat, and it's shaped like a bone because it's full of calcium. I was snacking on them earlier in the day and I must have dropped one. [groaning, muffled] Mmm, they're delicious.

Quote from Manny

Jay: What the hell was that?
Manny: What is any of this? I can't make sense of these clues. What kind of raccoon isn't scared off by the presence of a moose?

Quote from Jay

Jay: All we need to know is that Mitchell, Gloria, Cam, and Phil are the four and only suspects.
Cam: Not only! [all arguing]
Jay: One at a time! Phil, go first.
Phil: Well, that's a lot of pressure.
Jay: Speak!
[Stella barks in distance]
Gloria: What is that noise? It's like a dog saying, "Hello."
Jay: Sounds to me like a California barking moose.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Oh, Ronaldo's FaceTiming.
Ronaldo: [on FaceTime, nervously] Hey, guys. So, uh, listen. Oprah knows about the candy dish.
Mitchell: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ronaldo: There are cameras, Mitchell! You need to bring it back.
Cameron: Where are you?
Ronaldo: I'm still here at Oprah's, under my own free will. And I will probably stay here in this tower until she gets her dish back. It's quite meaningful. She stole it from [grunts] got it as a gift from Michelle Obama [computer beeps]

Quote from Manny

Manny: So, we're in wine country. When does the wine tasting start, because I can use it after the public bashing I've had to endure.
Jay: Here we go. No more boo-hooing, Manny. The review wasn't that bad.
Manny: He called my portrayal of Inspector Poirot "unconvincing," "not believable," "hard to buy," and "ironically redundant". Hey, Mitch, Cam, now that you guys have had a chance to sleep on my performance, what did you think?
Mitchell: It was a tricky part.
Cameron: Yeah, and I don't blame you. I blame whoever cast you.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Oh, one last thing: do not touch the tiara on display in the drawing room. It is very delicate. Got it?
Claire: Sorry, honey. You're just- You're doing that thing where you look like a really intense baby deer.
Phil: Oh, the scarier you try to be, the more adorable you are.
Claire: I know!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Whatever. I have, like, a million errands to run for my boss.
Manny: Hang on. Since, uh, no one's called dibs on the master bedroom, I assume it's up for grabs.
Haley: Oh, actually, there are only three guest bedrooms upstairs, so you'll have to sleep in there, okay?
Manny: The maid's quarters? But I'll be right next to the creaky do- [door creaks loudly]
Jay: You know, if you want, I can put some oil on that.
Haley: Oh, no, no, no. Don't. These are traditional Tibetan creaking hinges.[Door creaks, closes]
Cameron: We need those.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I love Phil. Let's just get that out of the way first, but he has these bear slippers. I don't know where they came from, probably the same place that sells pinky rings and other things that make it difficult to see your husband as a sexual being.
[flashback:]
Phil: Oh, my gosh. I don't think I'm allowed here in my bare feet. [laughs]

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Stella's been severely depressed because her best friend, Norman, the next-door neighbor's dog, just died. She won't even do her favorite trick anymore.
[flashback:]
Jay: Stella. Stella, speak. Speak. Like you're saying "Hello". [howling] Hellooo! Hel-Hellooo!
Manny: Hello?

Quote from Jay

Jay: I wanted to bring Stella on the trip to cheer her up. She never sees seasons, but Gloria wanted one night with just the two of us in bed, so I did the only sensible thing.
Claire: You left her at home with a dog sitter?
Jay: Checked her in the hotel down the road. I'm trying to get some wine in Gloria so she passes out early and I can sneak off and feed Stella.
Claire: The hotel down the road? You mean the Ritz?
Jay: I had points. Calm down.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Wait, is that Ronaldo!
Ronaldo: Mitchell! What a surprise. And who is this? I always assumed I was your sexiest Latin friend.
Gloria: [laughing] This is Gloria. Gloria, Ronaldo.
Gloria: Bolivian?
Ronaldo: Guatemalan. Venezuelan?
Gloria: Colombian.
Ronaldo: Mm-hmm.
Mitchell: Not sure what this is.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Cam's in a feud with Ronaldo's husband over what type of cracker belongs on a cheese platter.
Ronaldo: Water cracker. The cheese is the star. This isn't our fight.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Can you believe this? We're going to a party at Oprah's.
Gloria: What if we become friends with her? What if we get our own TV show? Who's gonna pick up Joe from school?!
Mitchell: Gloria, we'll have drivers.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Cameron?
Cameron: Philip?
Phil: Did you hear that?
Cameron: You mean when our dance instructor told us we were basically street-dance superstars?
Phil: Did you notice how he singled us out? He didn't even mention Mitch or Claire. [whispering] It's like he's saying they're holding us back.
Cameron: Okay. You know what? We need to shed our dead-weight spouses. There is nobody I would rather impress more than Sho Nuff.
Phil: True dat.
Cameron: No, True Dat's just the DJ. I don't care what he thinks.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Phil: Turns out, Cam and I make tremendous dance partners. Our bodies are so in tune, it's like we finish each other's-
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: sequences. Phil starts a move, and I instinctually complete it. And, yeah, it's as powerful as it sounds.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Did you ever think a farm boy from Missouri and and a real-estate agent from Key West, Florida, would get the opportunity to audition for the prestigious Tuesday Company? And it only costs slightly more than regular classes.
Phil: We could be the greatest masters-level hip-hop duo since Pump Up and The Jam!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, hey, hey, hey. In 18 hours, Sho Nuff is gonna be rating our dance skills on a scale of one to "Dayum"!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Why is Stella here?
Jay: I was going to feed her at the hotel she's clearly in a bad way. She trashed the room. It looked like The Who was staying there. So, I'm gonna stash her in the guesthouse, brush her fur until she goes to sleep.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Where have you been? I turned around and you were gone.
Gloria: I was in Oprah's bed! Guess her sleep number.
Mitchell: I don't have to. I touched her. I touched Oprah!
Gloria: What?!
Mitchell: Well, technically, I brushed the edge of her gown with my finger. But look my cut's magically healed.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Take it from me if you get a second chance at love, you grab it. After the trauma of losing her best friend, Norman, Stella's veil of depression was lifted by the promise of new romance. She realized she could love again.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You can't separate them, Claire. I'm taking that slipper home with me.
Claire: And risk Phil seeing it the next time we're at your house? Forget it. Stella's had her fun. This is over.
Jay: Why is this so hard for you to accept? Is it because it's a dog and a slipper?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What is this?! Did you steal this candy dish from Oprah's house? [gasps] It has her initials engraved.
Mitchell: I couldn't help it. I wanted a souvenir.
Gloria: But you said that we couldn't bring any evidence in here, and you didn't even let me take the party napkin that had a cartoon of her hugging children of many colors!

Quote from Manny

Haley: Oh, my God! The tiara! It's cracked! Who did this?! I'll get to the bottom of this.
Manny: I don't care what some feeble-minded vulgarian says. Manny Delgado knows how to play the role of an inspector. I'll text everyone to come downstairs.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here.
Claire: Uh, the tiara's cracked. You told us in your text.
Manny: What I didn't tell you is that I've vowed to find out who's responsible.
Mitchell: Well, no, actually, you did. It was a fairly long-
Manny: Everyone's a suspect.

Quote from Manny

Phil: Don't look at me. I wasn't anywhere near it.
Manny: What a surprise Phil feigning innocence. You're just everyone's favorite Dad, right? Where were you when you got my text?
Phil: Cam's, uh, stomach was upset, and I was warming up some milk for him.
Jay: Claire saw a moose.
Claire: I did. And that's why we were on the balcony when you texted us.
Mitchell: Well, Gloria and I were in the den. I ran into her on my way out to my walk, and then we decided to watch the moon together.
Manny: The moon, huh? Seems unlikely given tonight is... moonless! [pulls back curtain, a full moon is clearly visible] No matter.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I once read about a moose that knocked a camper out of neutral. Perhaps the moose Claire saw earlier did the same thing here.
Haley: The hood's warm.
Manny: Then don't lean on it.

Quote from Cameron

Manny: Now why would these chairs be out here, and how do they connect to the moose?
Mitchell: These footprints are in a really weird pattern. Why do these steps feel so familiar?
Phil: Cam and I were out here, um. We were in the kitchen, and we heard a raccoon outside.
Cameron: Yeah, yeah. So, we came out, we we grabbed a couple chairs to to to scare it off. We held held them up like this, and, um, chased the raccoon, but it ran into some trash cans and we were like
Both: Oh!
Phil: And then, uh, it ran up the court this way-
Cameron: Yep.
Phil: And then back a couple of steps and then forward again and then it did a little spin.
Cameron: Yep. That was it. And then it came back at us, and we were like
Both: Right, left. Right, right, body roll, and spin.
Phil: And then, it was just gone.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey. We were really in-sync talking through that raccoon chase. It felt like maybe we had our timing back again.
Cameron: It really did. Maybe we forgot dance isn't about the fame or or glory, but it's about telling a story that takes your audience on a journey that ebbs and flows.
Phil: Ebb and Flow. I think we just found our hip-hop names.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, why didn't you just tell me?
Phil: Save it, Claire. I know you put the hit out on my bear slippers.
Claire: Those are just very unsexy.
Phil: Oh, 'cause you always dress so sexy? Let's check out this nightwear. [all gasp] Luke's junior high gym shorts, and the drawstring is an old shoelace.

Quote from Jay

Haley: Manny! Hey! Look what just fell out of Uncle Mitch's pocket!
Manny: A second candy dish?
Cam: Hold up. This is monogrammed. "M.O."? You went to Michelle Obama's without me? [Mitchell turns the bowl around, Cameron gasps] [high-pitched]
Cameron: You went to Oprah Winfrey's without me?!
Jay: Gloria, is this true? You know how I feel about Oprah. She changed my- Excuse me. She gave me the strength to change my own life!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Stop. Stop! Stop!! Have we all forgotten that somebody cracked my boss's tiara?! I could get fired!
Jay: Well, I touched it once, so I might have done it. I'll pay for it.
Phil: Hold on. Cam and I messed with it, too.
Cameron: I put it on my hand.
Claire: I tried it.
Mitchell: Me, too.
Jay: Okay, okay, obviously, everybody monkeyed around with it, so we'll all chip in.

Quote from Cameron

Both: Oh, my God!
Cameron: We have Michelle Obama's candy dish.
Mitchell: Oprah Winfrey has our number.


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