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Season 1, Episode 9 -  Aired November 25, 2009

As Phil and Claire pull out all the stops to throw an epic birthday party for Luke, Cameron dusts off his old clown costume.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like seven times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything. Except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shh. Do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it's because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods. But who knows?


Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I've known I wanted to be a clown since I found out clowns were just people with makeup. Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was a teenager, if I wasn't in school or fishin', I was clownin'. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, an Auguste, a whiteface and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo. What?
Mitchell: Nothing. Between the clownin' and the fishin', I'm surprised you had time for the schoolin'. Aw, and there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: Sad clown is a tramp. So there's still only four types.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, I thought we discussed this.
Cameron: We did. But I- I started thinking. And this isn't about you or me. This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness.
Mitchell: And he's gonna get that from his weird gay clown uncle?
Cameron: Fizbo is not gay. He's asexual.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: He's an innocent whose only drive is to bring people joy and laughter and balloon animals. He's- He's the least sexual being on earth.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, okay. Well, at least we agree on something.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Um, hey.
Guy: Hey yourself. Move.
Mitchell: You kind of just bumped me with your car.
Guy: I don't think so.
Mitchell: No. No, you did, because, um- Yeah, I got grease on my pants and then also I felt it.
Guy: Call an ambulance.
Mitchell: Okay. I just thought you might wanna know in case you wanted to be a decent human being and apologize, but- No? Okay. Ass.
Guy: What did you say?
Mitchell: Just forget about it, all right?
Guy: Listen, carrot top. I didn't touch you. So do the smart thing. Shut your hole, get in your car and drive away.
Cameron: [as Fizbo] Is there a problem here?
Guy: What the hell are you?
Cameron: I'm the ass-kicking clown that'll twist you like a balloon animal. I will beat your head against this bumper until the air bags deploy. So apologize to my boyfriend right now! Apologize?
Guy: Boyfriend?
Cameron: Apologize!
Guy: Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Cameron: [to Mitchell] Let's go. We're gonna be late.

Quote from Luke

Phil: There he is. Big day's coming up. What do you want for your birthday, big dog?
Luke: It's okay. I'm good.
Phil: Come on. Sky's the limit. Dream big, my boy.
Luke: Well, I guess I could use a belt.
Claire: A belt?
Luke: Yeah, you're right. I don't need it. Extension cord works pretty good.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Every year, Luke's birthday falls right around Thanksgiving, and so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.
Claire: One year we forgot completely, and we had to improvise a cake of stuffing.
Phil: Which, by the way, he was fine with. He's one of those kids, you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: Yeah, one year we actually just got him a box, a really nice box.
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cameron. If Phil and Claire wanted to get Luke a clown, they would've. This is not our party.
Cameron: But-
Mitchell: This is not our party.
Cameron: But I just- Fine. What would you suggest we get him then, hmm?
Mitchell: Get him a gift card.
Cameron: A gift card?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Who hurt you?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Hey, Gloria, you got any idea how to wrap one of these things?
Gloria: Is that a crossbow?
Jay: Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa in the world or what?
Gloria: We can't give Luke a crossbow. He pokes himself in the eye every time he uses a straw.
Jay: Are you kidding? I had one when I was his age. My dad used to give me a quarter for every crow I bagged.
Gloria: And I used to have a machete. But times have changed.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Of course you're charming. Who said you were not charming?
Manny: No one. But there's a girl in my school, and I want her to like me. I need your advice, Jay.
Jay: Really?
Manny: She's gonna be at Luke's party.
Jay: Well, I'm a little thrown. I mean, you don't usually come to me for advice. Well, this is one area in which you've done pretty well.
Gloria: He has a point.

Quote from Phil

Phil: No, no, no. I want the most dangerous reptile you've got.
Jungle Tanya: I have an iguana that eats crickets.
Phil: That'd be scary if it was a birthday party for crickets. Seriously, Jungle Tanya, I need you step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the cocoa out of you?
Jungle Tanya: Uh, not really. I do have a bearded dragon.
Phil: Ooh.Does it-
Jungle Tanya: No, it does not breathe fire.
Phil: Well, then we're back to square one, aren't we?

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