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44Quotes from ‘Fizbo’

Modern Family: Fizbo

109. Fizbo

Aired November 25, 2009

As Phil and Claire pull out all the stops to throw an epic birthday party for Luke, Cameron dusts off his old clown costume.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like seven times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything. Except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shh. Do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it's because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I've known I wanted to be a clown since I found out clowns were just people with makeup. Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was a teenager, if I wasn't in school or fishin', I was clownin'. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, an Auguste, a whiteface and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo. What?
Mitchell: Nothing. Between the clownin' and the fishin', I'm surprised you had time for the schoolin'. Aw, and there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: Sad clown is a tramp. So there's still only four types.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, I thought we discussed this.
Cameron: We did. But I- I started thinking. And this isn't about you or me. This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness.
Mitchell: And he's gonna get that from his weird gay clown uncle?
Cameron: Fizbo is not gay. He's asexual.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: He's an innocent whose only drive is to bring people joy and laughter and balloon animals. He's- He's the least sexual being on earth.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, okay. Well, at least we agree on something.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Um, hey.
Guy: Hey yourself. Move.
Mitchell: You kind of just bumped me with your car.
Guy: I don't think so.
Mitchell: No. No, you did, because, um- Yeah, I got grease on my pants and then also I felt it.
Guy: Call an ambulance.
Mitchell: Okay. I just thought you might wanna know in case you wanted to be a decent human being and apologize, but- No? Okay. Ass.
Guy: What did you say?
Mitchell: Just forget about it, all right?
Guy: Listen, carrot top. I didn't touch you. So do the smart thing. Shut your hole, get in your car and drive away.
Cameron: [as Fizbo] Is there a problem here?
Guy: What the hell are you?
Cameron: I'm the ass-kicking clown that'll twist you like a balloon animal. I will beat your head against this bumper until the air bags deploy. So apologize to my boyfriend right now! Apologize?
Guy: Boyfriend?
Cameron: Apologize!
Guy: Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Cameron: [to Mitchell] Let's go. We're gonna be late.

Quote from Luke

Phil: There he is. Big day's coming up. What do you want for your birthday, big dog?
Luke: It's okay. I'm good.
Phil: Come on. Sky's the limit. Dream big, my boy.
Luke: Well, I guess I could use a belt.
Claire: A belt?
Luke: Yeah, you're right. I don't need it. Extension cord works pretty good.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Every year, Luke's birthday falls right around Thanksgiving, and so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.
Claire: One year we forgot completely, and we had to improvise a cake of stuffing.
Phil: Which, by the way, he was fine with. He's one of those kids, you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: Yeah, one year we actually just got him a box, a really nice box.
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cameron. If Phil and Claire wanted to get Luke a clown, they would've. This is not our party.
Cameron: But-
Mitchell: This is not our party.
Cameron: But I just- Fine. What would you suggest we get him then, hmm?
Mitchell: Get him a gift card.
Cameron: A gift card?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Who hurt you?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Hey, Gloria, you got any idea how to wrap one of these things?
Gloria: Is that a crossbow?
Jay: Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa in the world or what?
Gloria: We can't give Luke a crossbow. He pokes himself in the eye every time he uses a straw.
Jay: Are you kidding? I had one when I was his age. My dad used to give me a quarter for every crow I bagged.
Gloria: And I used to have a machete. But times have changed.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Of course you're charming. Who said you were not charming?
Manny: No one. But there's a girl in my school, and I want her to like me. I need your advice, Jay.
Jay: Really?
Manny: She's gonna be at Luke's party.
Jay: Well, I'm a little thrown. I mean, you don't usually come to me for advice. Well, this is one area in which you've done pretty well.
Gloria: He has a point.

Quote from Phil

Phil: No, no, no. I want the most dangerous reptile you've got.
Jungle Tanya: I have an iguana that eats crickets.
Phil: That'd be scary if it was a birthday party for crickets. Seriously, Jungle Tanya, I need you step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the cocoa out of you?
Jungle Tanya: Uh, not really. I do have a bearded dragon.
Phil: Ooh.Does it-
Jungle Tanya: No, it does not breathe fire.
Phil: Well, then we're back to square one, aren't we?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, just so you know, Dylan cannot have mayonnaise.
Claire: That's random. Why are you telling me that?
Haley: 'Cause he's coming to the party.
Claire: Is that absolutely necessary?
Alex: Yes, because she can't go 10 minutes without her boyfriend's tongue in her mouth. It's like he's feeding a baby bird.
Haley: Don't be so jealous. I'm sure you'll meet someone super hot at computer camp.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Where's my comb? Oh! Here it is in my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath that I made at Luke's awesome birthday party. Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy. Hole in one.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'll pump.
Mitchell: No, no, no. I'll do it. You stay right here. Relax.
Cameron: Oh. I get it. You're worried about people seeing me.
Mitchell: Without question.
Cameron: You know, people are gonna stare. They're not used to seeing one clown in a car.

Quote from Manny

Manny: We have to stop meeting like this.
Bianca: What?
Manny: We go to school together.
Bianca: Oh, yeah.
Manny: Do you like jokes?
Bianca: Sure.
Manny: Great. So a grasshopper named Gary walks into a bar. Aw. No. You're not supposed to know his name. Let me try another one, okay? Knock, knock.
Bianca: Who's there?
Manny: Interrupting cow.
Bianca: Interrupting cow who?
Manny: Moo. Oh, crap.

Quote from Alex

Jungle Tanya: All right, let's all give Luke a big hand for being so brave.
Luke: This feels so weird. What does it eat?
Jungle Tanya: Oh, just little boy brains.
Alex: Well, at least Luke's got nothing to worry about.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Is there mayo in this?
Haley: No. You're good. So I was thinking that maybe we could go slip away-
Jungle Tanya: So, does anyone wanna pet the iguana?
Dylan: Hells, yeah. Oh, man. I love lizards. What's his name?
Jungle Tanya: Her name is Lizzy.
Dylan: Wow. I totally get that.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Sorry about today, buddy. We'll try again next year, huh?
Luke: Are you kidding? This was the best birthday ever.
Phil: What?
Luke: I got a cast.
Claire: You like a cast?
Luke: I've always wanted one. After a few weeks, they start to smell.
Gloria: Ew.
Alex: You are so weird, you know that?

Quote from Phil

Phil: We should blow this out and throw Luke the best birthday party of all time.
Claire: Yes. Yes. And we'll order a whole bunch of pizzas and set up an arts and crafts table.
Phil: A what?
Claire: A crafts table. You know, where everybody gathers around and they make stuff, and then bam! They got their own party favor.
Phil: [snores] Sorry. I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Thanks again for the karaoke machine. I'll get it back to you right after the party.
Cameron: That'd be great.
Mitchell: [whispers] Please don't. I beg you. Don't bring it back.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Hey, Phil. Are, uh, you getting a clown for today?
Phil: Oh, no. Luke's not much of a clown fan.
Cameron: Really?
Phil: Yeah. He never liked 'em.
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has- Has anyone? [chuckles]

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: No clown? No- No clown?
Mitchell: Let it go.
Cameron: Who throws a party without a clown?
Mitchell: Since the late '30s, I'd say most people.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, pal, how's it going?
Manny: Am I charming?
Jay: Oh, boy.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I've tried everything to get her attention- opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing's worked.
Jay: Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success. And since you don't have either one of those things, you're gonna be the funny guy.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I couldn't get Luke out of my mind. I know I made a promise to Mitchell, but some things are bigger than promises. Fizbo would be at that party.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Sweetie, that's a rock wall. Is that even safe? Oh, my God.
Phil: Honey, relax. Hey, has anyone ever gotten hurt on one of these things?
Operator: I don't know, man. It's my first day.
Phil: See? They wouldn't let the new guy do it if it-
Claire: That did not make me feel better.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, what you got there?
Claire: Oh. These are supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured out what we're gonna be making.
Phil: Kids bored? [chuckles] I'm teasing. I'm teasing. It looks good. What is it?
Claire: Comb sheaths. I know. I know. But we made them when I was 11 years old at Donna Rigby's birthday party. At first we thought it was really stupid, and then we had a blast, so...
Phil: How could you not? You combined the two things that kids love the most: combs and sheaths. I'm kidding!

Quote from Luke

Phil: Hey, buddy, you having fun?
Luke: Yeah. And I love my new belt.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey, Luke. Look. Do you wanna make a comb sheath?
Luke: A what?
Claire: It's a cool leather holder for your comb. And you can decorate it. I've got beads and glitter and all kinds of stuff. Do you want to?
Luke: Nah. I'm gonna do the rock wall.
Claire: Okay, honey. It's your day.
Phil: Honey, let me know if you get low on supplies. I'll make a quick run back to the 1950s for you. [kid yells] Oh! Again? Seriously, zip-line guys, use some ropes.

Quote from Manny

Manny: That's her- Bianca Douglas.
Gloria: She's so cute.
Manny: She has good handwriting. She's a complete package.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why you bounce so sad?
Manny: I told all my jokes. It turns out I'm not the funny guy.
Gloria: The right girl will find you when it's time, even though I'm gonna hate losing you to another woman.
Manny: You'll never lose me, Mom. I'll always love you, no matter what.
Gloria: Ay, chiquita. You see? Right there. You need no tricks. Just be the sweet, wonderful little boy that you are.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Oh. It's so peaceful and quiet over here.
Claire: Ha-ha. If you came over here to gloat, I already know it's a dud.
Phil: Actually, I came to give you this. It's your favorite flavor- blue.
Claire: Thanks, honey.
Phil: And your hair looks really nice.
Claire: Hmm. Thanks. I've been combing it all day.

Quote from Alex

Alex: You don't deserve this.
Haley: What?
Alex: Hot reptile chick. You know, probably has her own apartment, obviously okay touching gross stuff.
Haley: They're just talking.
Alex: You're right. Dylan's far too sophisticated to get sucked in by a single lady with tons of cool tattoos.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Hey. I think it peed on me.
Jungle Tanya: Oh, no.
Dylan: No way, Mother Nature. I can't believe he does that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, what am I missing, guys? Aw, geez, Gloria.
Gloria: [bouncing] Jay, look! I go high! Look! Look!
Jay: Guys, hit the road. Come on. You're family men. Come on. Scat.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Great job, buddy. Now comes the fun part. Rappel down.
Luke: It's really high.
Phil: You have nothing to fear but fear itself. And the concrete.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Look, I came on strong with that whole funny guy bit. This is me just being myself.
Bianca: Okay. Hey, do you know who that boy is over there?
Manny: Oh. That's Dylan. He's Haley's boyfriend.
Bianca: He's so cute and tall.
Manny: I'm still growing. Give me a break.

Quote from Jay

Jay: That's quite an impressive getup you got there.
Cameron: Thank you, Jay. Oh, by the way, you have something on your shoulder. [reveals a foam "something"]
Jay: [laughing] That's good.
Cameron: Never mind. It was nothing. [a foam "nothing"]
Jay: We're done here.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Hey, look what Grandpa gave me- a crossbow.
Claire: Sweetie, that does not look safe.
Luke: Don't worry. He's gonna show me how to use it.
Claire: That's what I'm afraid of.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: So Cam's a clown. And there's mine. You think it's weird that we both chose people who were so...
Mitchell: Uninhibited?
Claire: I was gonna say "embarrassing," but yeah. Look at them now. They're the life of the party.
Mitchell: Uh, you know, I gotta say, for all his craziness, I love my clown.
Claire: Me too. They're good for us. I would've totally tanked this party.
Mitchell: And I would've gotten my butt kicked at a gas station.
Claire: Sorry?
Mitchell: Turns out Fizbo is a real bad-ass.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] It turns out I'm not the sweet guy or the funny guy.
[cut to:]
Gloria: No, Manny, don't go in! Por favor!
Manny: I must! [slips shoes off] I'm coming!
[back:]
Manny: Manny Delgado is a man of action.
Bianca: Wait. My dog is still in there.
Manny: I'll be right back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] If you'd asked me before the party if I wanted there to be a chain reaction of disasters that led to Luke breaking his arm, I probably would've said no.
Claire: Probably?
Phil: Prob- Definite- Definitely not. Would not want that. But, one way or another, Luke was the center of attention on his birthday, and the whole family was together just the way it should be.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Bianca Douglas called me three times tonight. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm starting to feel smothered.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] I really like my cast, but it's starting to itch. Good thing my mom made me this personal scratcher. Oh, that's good stuff.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] If another woman is messing with your man, you have to get proactive. I don't care how pretty she is or how many stupid reptiles she has. She tries to take what's mine, girlfriend's gonna get stung.
[screams as scorpion falls on to the floor behind her]


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