Gloria: Ay, good morning, papi.
Manny: Is it?
Gloria: Ay, you're still sad because of that audition.
Manny: That part was mine. I was born to play Tevye. Instead they give it to Rod Jackson? What does he know from suffering?

Alex: Hey, Luke. Big day for you, huh?
Luke: Why?
Alex: Because you will get to meet your real mom.
Luke: What? [scoffs]
Alex: We all made a pact we'd deny it until you turned 21. But that's the real reason Dad's old girlfriend's coming over. She's your mom, and if she likes you, you'll go live with her.
Luke: I'm not adopted. I'm asking Mom.
Alex: You mean Mrs. Dunphy? She's not going to tell you the truth.

Manny: Turtle, reptile, pet. Shel Turtlestein was many things. [exhales] I don't think I can do this without crying. Maybe we should just get to the cold cuts.
Gloria: Well, we wanna hear it. Jay, why don't you read it? You were with him at the end. Remember?
Jay: "Shel Turtlestein was many things, but above all, he was my friend. When I didn't get a date with Fiona Gunderson, Shel was there. When I didn't get to play the part of Tevye, Shel was there. And when a raccoon broke into my room, unfortunately, Shel was there. I said a lot of things to my friend, but the one thing I never got to say was good-bye."

Phil: "How about we meet at Le Reve at 7:30?"
Claire: That sounds innocent enough- I mean- drinks with an ex-girlfriend at an intimate French restaurant.
Phil: Honey, you're doing that thing where you say what I want you to say but your tone seems mean.
Claire: Let me guess. Denise isn't married.
Phil: Recently divorced. What's the big deal?
Claire: Come on, Phil. You can't be that naive. Seriously, women in their 30s on the Internet are like- they're like ninjas. They get into their little black outfits and try and sneak their way into your marriage.

Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom?
Phil: Try two. Trust me. I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your mom.
Claire: And thank you.

Mitchell: Okay. Can you hear me now?
Cameron: Yeah, but just barely. Is this how loud you were talking?
Mitchell: It might have been a little bit louder. There was traffic. I almost had to shout.
Cameron: You almost had to what?
Mitchell: Shout.
Cameron: Little bit louder now.
Mitchell: Shout.
Cameron: Little bit louder now.
Mitchell: Shout!
Cameron: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Cameron: [aside to camera] We both believe that animals should play a big part in Lily's life. Having grown up on a farm, I was surrounded by them. They were more like brothers and sisters than just, you know, livestock.
Mitchell: Delicious brothers and sisters.
Cameron: Life on a farm. They know what they're getting into.
Mitchell: Eesh.

Jay: I was hanging up the new poster and it fell on top of him. It was an accident.
Gloria: You have to tell him.
Jay: No. I've been through this before. When Mitchell was nine, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.
Gloria: My God. How many pets have you killed?
Jay: Just the two. I took the heat on the bird. It was a big mistake. To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking, "That's the guy who killed Fliza Minnelli."

Claire: Yeah, anyway, uh, we could see the 4:00 or the 6:20.
Phil: Oh, actually, that's no good. I'm meeting my friend Denise for a drink.
Claire: Denise? Do I know Denise?
Phil: Yeah. You know, my old girlfriend.
Haley: Oh, my God. Gross. I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.

Phil: So I guess she travels around selling makeup for a cosmetics company. She's in town for a week.
Alex: You mean she's like a door-to-door salesman?
Luke: If you were doing it, they'd call it a dork-to-dork salesman.
Phil: Oh! My boy strikes like a rattlesnake!