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45Quotes from ‘Truth Be Told’

Modern Family: Truth Be Told

117. Truth Be Told

Aired March 10, 2010

Jay gets tangled up in a web of lies after he accidentally kills Manny's pet turtle, Shel Turtlestein. Claire is alarmed when Phil reconnects with an old girlfriend through Facebook. Meanwhile, an overworked Mitchell confronts his boss after feeling he's missing out on precious moments with Lily.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Ay, good morning, papi.
Manny: Is it?
Gloria: Ay, you're still sad because of that audition.
Manny: That part was mine. I was born to play Tevye. Instead they give it to Rod Jackson? What does he know from suffering?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Hey, Luke. Big day for you, huh?
Luke: Why?
Alex: Because you will get to meet your real mom.
Luke: What? [scoffs]
Alex: We all made a pact we'd deny it until you turned 21. But that's the real reason Dad's old girlfriend's coming over. She's your mom, and if she likes you, you'll go live with her.
Luke: I'm not adopted. I'm asking Mom.
Alex: You mean Mrs. Dunphy? She's not going to tell you the truth.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Turtle, reptile, pet. Shel Turtlestein was many things. [exhales] I don't think I can do this without crying. Maybe we should just get to the cold cuts.
Gloria: Well, we wanna hear it. Jay, why don't you read it? You were with him at the end. Remember?
Jay: "Shel Turtlestein was many things, but above all, he was my friend. When I didn't get a date with Fiona Gunderson, Shel was there. When I didn't get to play the part of Tevye, Shel was there. And when a raccoon broke into my room, unfortunately, Shel was there. I said a lot of things to my friend, but the one thing I never got to say was good-bye."

Quote from Claire

Phil: "How about we meet at Le Reve at 7:30?"
Claire: That sounds innocent enough- I mean- drinks with an ex-girlfriend at an intimate French restaurant.
Phil: Honey, you're doing that thing where you say what I want you to say but your tone seems mean.
Claire: Let me guess. Denise isn't married.
Phil: Recently divorced. What's the big deal?
Claire: Come on, Phil. You can't be that naive. Seriously, women in their 30s on the Internet are like- they're like ninjas. They get into their little black outfits and try and sneak their way into your marriage.

Quote from Phil

Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom?
Phil: Try two. Trust me. I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your mom.
Claire: And thank you.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay. Can you hear me now?
Cameron: Yeah, but just barely. Is this how loud you were talking?
Mitchell: It might have been a little bit louder. There was traffic. I almost had to shout.
Cameron: You almost had to what?
Mitchell: Shout.
Cameron: Little bit louder now.
Mitchell: Shout.
Cameron: Little bit louder now.
Mitchell: Shout!
Cameron: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We both believe that animals should play a big part in Lily's life. Having grown up on a farm, I was surrounded by them. They were more like brothers and sisters than just, you know, livestock.
Mitchell: Delicious brothers and sisters.
Cameron: Life on a farm. They know what they're getting into.
Mitchell: Eesh.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I was hanging up the new poster and it fell on top of him. It was an accident.
Gloria: You have to tell him.
Jay: No. I've been through this before. When Mitchell was nine, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.
Gloria: My God. How many pets have you killed?
Jay: Just the two. I took the heat on the bird. It was a big mistake. To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking, "That's the guy who killed Fliza Minnelli."

Quote from Haley

Claire: Yeah, anyway, uh, we could see the 4:00 or the 6:20.
Phil: Oh, actually, that's no good. I'm meeting my friend Denise for a drink.
Claire: Denise? Do I know Denise?
Phil: Yeah. You know, my old girlfriend.
Haley: Oh, my God. Gross. I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.

Quote from Luke

Phil: So I guess she travels around selling makeup for a cosmetics company. She's in town for a week.
Alex: You mean she's like a door-to-door salesman?
Luke: If you were doing it, they'd call it a dork-to-dork salesman.
Phil: Oh! My boy strikes like a rattlesnake!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, if that doesn't work, this should do the trick.
Manny: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Jay: We can hang this in your room. You can see it every morning, start to internalize it. Pretty soon nothing will keep you down.
Manny: But it's not true.
Jay: What are you talking about?
Manny: Lots of stuff that doesn't kill you makes you weaker. My friend's grandfather had a heart attack. Now he needs a machine to breathe.
Gloria: I've seen him- at the supermarket. Now he needs to drive one of those little, like- [imitates engine]
Jay: That's right. Be negative.
Gloria: It's just not a good poster, Jay.
Jay: You're only making me stronger.

Quote from Phil

Claire: When are you getting together with your gal pal?
Phil: Actually, I was just checking on that. She's supposed to send me a message.
Claire: Oh, you're Facebook friends.
Phil: Sure am. She's one of my 447 friends. Everybody wants a slice.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [horn honks] Go around! We're re-creating a faux pas! Thank you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I got some bad news, buddy.
Manny: What is it?
Jay: Well, there's no easy way to say this. Shel Turtlestein is dead.
Manny: What? How?
Jay: I was down here reading the paper, and I heard this commotion up in your room. So- So naturally, I go running up there. And this mangy raccoon had busted through your screen. He must have scampered up to where Shel was. By the time I walked in, he had- the little bastard had him by the neck and shaking him. Gravel was flying everywhere. He didn't even flinch. He just stared at me with that smug look and then bolted. If only I'd have got here earlier.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: He'll be okay.
Gloria: You lie.
Jay: What?
Gloria: I'm Colombian. I know a fake crime scene when I see one.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Oh, Denise, I think you might know these people. Uh, that's Haley, Alex and-
Denise: Luke. Oh! I had curly hair just like that when I was little.
Luke: So? That doesn't mean anything. [runs off whimpering]

Quote from Luke

Denise: Wow. You really lucked out. You have a beautiful wife, a gorgeous house. Oh. And those kids- I could take Luke home with me.
Claire: Well, be my guest. Seriously, you go right ahead. [laughing]
Luke: No! I like it here! [runs off whimpering]

Quote from Jay

Manny: Hello, Jay.
Jay: What are you doing up?
Manny: Waiting.
Jay: Waiting for what?
Manny: The truth. It wasn't a raccoon, was it?
Jay: Oh, all right. You got me. I killed Shel. All right? I'm sorry. It was an accident.
Manny: Why didn't you just tell me?
Jay: Because I didn't want you to be upset with me. You and I got off to a rocky start. Lately, it's been pretty good. I was afraid I'd mess all that up if you knew that I was the one that killed your pet.
Manny: Now you're the guy who killed my pet and made a stupid lie about it.
Jay: Well, I don't think it was stupid. I thought it was pretty clever. I was just trying to avoid past mistakes.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look. I know I can't make things all better right now, but maybe over time.
Manny: Maybe.
Jay: Get some rest.
Manny: Since we're confessing things, you know that scratch on your car?
Jay: The one that can't be buffed out? Yeah?
Manny: You should probably know how it happened.
Jay: I know how it happened. Raccoon did it.
Manny: Good night, Jay.
Jay: Good night, kid.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You tried to give me this 20 years ago when my pet snake died.
Jay: I did?
Mitchell: Yes. Zsa Zsa Gaboa?
Cameron: Oh, that's adorable.
Gloria: And you really didn't know that he was gay?
Jay: I must've, right?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey, honey, Hugh Grant has a-
Phil: I'm in.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Okay, well, Alex has a cello lesson at 11:00 and Junior Congress at noon.
Haley: Doesn't she also have no boys at forever?
Alex: Don't you have an eating disorder you need to attend to?

Quote from Claire

Claire: Wow. All right, well, we can see the movie tomorrow. Come on. It's time for your lesson.
Luke: You mean her second lesson, because she just got schooled.
Alex: [silence] What's wrong with me today?
Claire: Shake it off, champ. It's not your day.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Did you pack the bread for the ducks?
Mitchell: Yes. Not the whole-wheat kind. The ducks don't like that.
Cameron: They're ducks, Mitchell. They don't care.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [on car phone] Oh, there's four of 'em, Mitchell. They're giving her little duck kisses. Oh, she's laughing.
I can't believe you're missing this.
Mitchell: Well, why not, Cam? I've missed everything else. She rolled over when I was in Phoenix. She started scooting when I was in court.
Cameron: Well, just tell 'em you're not coming in. You do enough for 'em.
Mitchell: [approaching intersection] Well, you know that. I know that. You know? The only one who doesn't know that is my sucky boss. He's the suckiest suck of all time. He's a miserable son of a bitch who... may have heard everything I just said.

Quote from Claire

Phil: That's not Denise. Mmm. Here. Read some of her messages. You're gonna feel silly.
Claire: Okay. [breathy] "Hey, Phil. How's it going?"
Phil: You can't add the sexy voice. [flatly] "Hi, Phil. How's it going?"
Claire: [breathy] "So glad to hear your neck is better."
Phil: Are you seriously jealous?
Claire: No, I am not jealous at all. I just happen to know women better than you do, and that woman wants a slice.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Okay. Just to prove how wrong you are, I'm gonna invite her over here for drinks.
Claire: Fine with me. Just hope it's fine with Denise. [breathy] "Gee, Phil, I really had my heart set on Le Reve."
Phil: That voice doesn't bother me. Kind of like it!

Quote from Manny

Manny: May I see the body?
Gloria: Baby, are you sure that's a good idea?
Manny: It's something I have to do. That's him.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Sorry, pal.
Manny: It just doesn't make any sense.
Jay: Yep. Only the good die young.
Manny: But in school, we learn raccoons are nocturnal. They sleep during the day.
Jay: They sure do, and this one must've got up for a midnight snack. You know, we've all done that.
Manny: I guess so.
Jay: Yeah. It all adds up.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Fliza Minnelli?
Jay: How did I not know that kid was gay?

Quote from Alex

Haley: Just 'cause he called you a dork-to-dork salesman?
Alex: The empire strikes back.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Raccoons have five toes.
Jay: What's that?
Manny: I don't mean to bother you. It's just confusing. The footprints in my room only have four toes.
Jay: You know, I bet I know what happened. I'll bet he lost those toes in a fight. And that guy looked like he'd been in a brawl or two.
Manny: One toe from each foot?
Jay: Maybe. You know, Manny, I think the only thing that's gonna get you to stop asking all these questions is for you to have a little closure.
Manny: What do you mean?
Jay: Well, I'd like to throw a little memorial for Shel. It'll be good for all of us. That way we get our grief out, and then we never have to talk about this ever, ever again.

Quote from Phil

Denise: He had a boom box and a piece of cardboard in his locker. And what was your dance name?
Phil: O-Zone. Yeah.
Denise: I drove him to his Star Search audition.
Phil: Which is totally political, by the way.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, she's fantastic.
Phil: Yes?
Claire: Yes. I feel awful. When did I become this horribly cynical person who assumes the worst about people?
Phil: I first noticed it seven years- You're not.

Quote from Mitchell

Mr. Jennings: Uh, you need to get that?
Mitchell: No. It's fine. It's just a picture of my daughter standing for the first time.
Mr. Jennings: Yeah, they do that. It's a big day. Anyway, I need you here tomorrow. I know it's a Sunday, but, uh, you think you can be on time, okay?
Mitchell: Actually, um, I have plans tomorrow, uh, so I won't be here. I-I have plans to stay at home with my family and do absolutely nothing. Okay. But I will see you on Monday.
Mr. Jennings: Mm-hmm. So, you're in charge now, is that it?
Mitchell: Well, I just figure if my daughter can stand up, then so can I.
Mr. Jennings: All right, look. We've all been working hard lately, okay? But that's the job. So either come in tomorrow or don't bother coming back again.
Mitchell: Okay. [hands over his coffee mug and his lanyard] Need the, uh, I.D. to make the elevator go down to... freedom. And this to complete my set.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Stop. I know what really happened.
Jay: You do?
Manny: I left a bag of chips near my bed. The raccoon must have smelled it. It's my fault he's dead. [tearfully] Sorry, Shel.
Gloria: Jay, you don't have anything to say to Manny?
Jay: Yeah. Manny. Shel forgives you.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, Denise. These pictures are amazing. Thank you. Wow. Sweetie, that perm.
Phil: Technically, that's a Jheri curl.

Quote from Phil

Denise: It's way more exciting when she's in the room, isn't it?
Phil: No.
Denise: I still have my cheerleader outfit.
Phil: So do I. But this still can't happen.

Quote from Phil

Denise: Why are you wussing out?
Phil: I never wussed in.
Denise: What about all those things you wrote on Facebook? [breathy] "How was your day? My neck is so sore."
Phil: Why do people keep adding voices to these things? I didn't mean anything.
Denise: Are you telling me that I wasted a year of my life on this relationship?
Phil: What relationship?
Denise: How many other women have you led on?
Phil: Now I don't know!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, honey. Do you remember when you broke your arm when we were first dating?
Phil: Yeah, uh, when I slipped on the ice.
Claire: Right. That's so weird. Because in this picture, you're sitting with Denise and you have a broken arm, so-
Phil: Yeah, that's- That's weird.
Claire: So you were still dating her when you started dating me?
Phil: No.
Claire: Phil?
Phil: Yeah. Maybe. There was a time, a little overlap when, uh, I was trying to break things off with Denise.
Denise: You took me to Santa Fe.
Claire: Santa Fe? Phil, you told me that was your father.
Phil: Okay, I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old.

Quote from Phil

Denise: You know, this was a mistake. I'm gonna leave. Claire, if I were you, I would kick him out. Maybe he'd appreciate you more after he spent a lonely night in a hotel. At the Radisson, by the airport.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You quit?
Mitchell: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was amazing. No, no. This is the new me, Cam. I am not letting people run my life anymore. I should be nervous, but I'm not.
Cameron: I'm excited for you.
Mitchell: Yes! It's exciting! It's exciting.
Cameron: Because you followed your heart, and that is worth celebrating.
Mitchell: Cam, I just feel- [laughs] So liberated.
Cameron: Hey.
Mitchell: And I'm not picking it up.
Cameron: Ooh! I like this guy.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I do too. Yes, we'll have to cut back a little bit. But isn't it worth it if you feel like you're living your life for the first time?
Cameron: Totally.
Mitchell: Uh, what were we even waiting for? You will go back to teaching music, and then I'll just find something in a few months. And until then, all we need to do is just sit back and watch this little miracle here dazzle us. I'm tingling.
Cameron: I am too.
Mitchell: It's like my heart is full for the first time in forever. Oh, God, it's really pounding. It's like I feel the weight of endless possibilities just sitting on my chest- She is not doing anything, Cam.
Cameron: You're not panicking, are you?
Mitchell: Of course I am panicking.
Cameron: No. Don't panic. If you panic, I panic!
Mitchell: I just quit my job. Cam!
Cameron: My God. Mitchell, I am used to nice things.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What are we gonna do?
Mitchell: Okay. No, no. Just calm down. This is what we're gonna do. I am going to- I'm gonna do what I'm trained to do. I am going to lie, grovel, debase myself until I get what I want. I am a lawyer, damn it.
Cameron: Mitchell! No.
Mitchell: Oh, no, you're right. The tie.
Cameron: No. We'll find something better for you, something that works for all of us.
Mitchell: There's no Plan "B" here, Cam. We have a mortgage. We have- We have a child to support.
Cameron: Hey, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna figure it out. I just want you to be happy, and you will be happy. And that is something worth toasting.
Mitchell: Let's just drink the cheap stuff, 'cause we might have to sell that bottle.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies. Isn't it, Jay?
Jay: Kids get over these things pretty quick. He's probably sleeping like a baby right now.
Gloria: I'm sure he's wide awake, full of guilt.
Jay: Well, I'm going to sleep. [sighs, leans back, then gets up] Damn it!


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