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‘Pool Party’ Quotes

Modern Family: Pool Party

1104. Pool Party

Aired October 16, 2019

Mitch and Cam help Lily overcome her insecurities about wearing a bathing suit to a pool party but discover their own. Meanwhile, now that Gloria’s new internship is taking up so much of her time, Jay is feeling particularly neglected.

Quote from Gloria

Lindsay: You're kidding. Another one?
Phil: I'm afraid so, Lindsay.
Sam: Who keeps taking our signs?
Gloria: Don't worry, Sam, we're going to find out. Miss, do you have any enemies? Are you in a blood feud?
Phil: Gloria.
Gloria: Have you recently joined a political opposition?

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Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, it's so hot. I can't wait to jump in that pool.
Lily: I never said I'd get in the pool.
Cameron: Okay, Lily, stop. You are an exotic Vietnamese beauty. Scarlett Johansson would play you in a movie until Twitter told her she couldn't.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I thought about which of my competitors might want to take me down, and I kept coming back to one guy... Gil Thorpe. A man tells you enough times he's gonna "thorpedo" your career, you start to believe he might do something "therrible." Well, not this time.

Quote from Ronaldo

Cameron: Okay, before I do more, does this look natural?
Ronaldo: That's a tricky word because the color orange does appear in nature.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Lily, sweetie, do you want me to pack your bathing suit for the party?
Lily: Only if you want to wear it.
Mitchell: Is that the sass we love or the backtalk we hate?
Cameron: Unclear. Yeah. You know, there's a fine line between quippy and mean. I show her "Golden Girls." It's just not sinking in.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Honey, what have we always taught you? Love who you are, as you are.
Cameron: Yes! Being comfortable in your skin is the most attractive thing. I mean, look at us. We're hardly Christy Turlington and Naomi Campbell...
Mitchell: Could've picked dudes.
Cameron: ...but we know what we have to offer, and we're proud of it.
Mitchell: Look, it's important that you go to this party and you... you feel good about who you are. I mean, you have a gorgeous body.
Lily: No, thank you.
Cameron: Yeah, you're a little hottie!
Lily: Pass!
Mitchell: I mean, if I were a cartoon wolf and I saw you, my eyes would be like "Aah-ooo-gaa!"
Lily: Stop! I will go if you never talk to me like this again.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Okay, G, time to let you in on the dark underbelly of our business. Someone is trying to take money from my pockets, and I need to find out who.
Gloria: Do you need me to go and shake some trees for you? I did that kind of job in Colombia. I didn't get paid, but I got great references, and my cousin got to keep one ear.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] My internship with Phil is almost over. He said that he would hire me full time if I did good. So, I need to find who's stealing his signs to prove my worth. Luckily, I have a plan. A couple of weeks ago, Jay put a tracker thingy on Stella because she kept getting out.
[flashback:]
Jay: She was down the block, mooning over that Chihuahua again. I mean, what does she see in him? He thinks he's so cool with that dumb handkerchief around his neck.
[back:]
Gloria: I'm going to steal Stella's tracker, and I'm gonna hide it on the sign to catch the crook. And then maybe Stella will get some alone time with her Chihuahua. With that pushed-in face, she could do a lot worse than a Latin lover.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] My mom was trying to show us how great it is to be a working woman 'cause she knows how torn I am about leaving my babies. It's like, oh, it'll break my heart to be away from them, but as a feminist, I want to show those snarky bitches at the office how fast my body bounced back.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley, you have to admit it feels good to put on nice clothes and get out in the world and not have anyone pawing at your boobs for two seconds.
Haley: Oh, God, yes! Dylan is really going through something. I think he might be regressing.
Alex: To what?

Quote from Manny

Jay: That's what you're wearing to my club?
Manny: I'm headed right for the spa, and their robes stink like old rich guys... cigars, Scotch, and the panicked sweat of impending irrelevance.
Jay: Easy, Hemingway, we earned that smell.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hola!
Jay: Finally, she's here! Hurry! We're gonna be late!
Gloria: I am sorry. I'm only here for a few seconds. I have to go back to work.
Jay: Again?
Gloria: Jay, I finally found a job that I love. That's why I've been humping my bust.
Joe: Is that the right way...
Jay: No. No. No, no. It's not.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I promise you, I am all yours this afternoon.
Jay: Eh.
Gloria: Stella, mama! You're gonna take good care of my boys, right? You're gonna take good care.
Jay: Don't patronize her. Be a constant presence in her life or you'll stoke her abandonment issues.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Doesn't matter what other people think of us. It matters what we think of ourselves.
Cameron: Right.
Lily: Oh. Great. It's all gays. I can do whatever I want. I'm invisible. [falls into the pool] Aah! I'm okay!

Quote from Longinus

Longinus: Hey, girl, hey. Hey, girl, hey.
Cameron: Wait, what's going on? I thought you said there were gonna be kids at this party.
Longinus: No, I said young people. Look at the pool. It's boy soup. I like me some eye candy.
Mitchell: Okay, well, we like actual candy.

Quote from Phil

Gil Thorpe: Easy on the pressure there, Albert.
Phil: Sorry. It's my first time.
Gil Thorpe: Dunphy?
Phil: That's right.
Gil Thorpe: Well, look at you... landed on your feet after the real estate business chewed you up and spit you out.
Phil: It didn't spit me out. I'm here to scare you.
Gil Thorpe: By Sweeney Todd-ing me?
Phil: Don't emasculate my move. I'm Celie from "The Color Purple."

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: Now, stay still. I'd hate for you to lose your head, like I lost my si... [drops razor] Son of a... Ah! I dropped it. Where's the blue stuff? Just admit it. You've been taking the signs off my house on Sycamore.
Gil Thorpe: Phil, I'm gay now. Between pumping iron and bummin' out my dad, I don't have time for our petty rivalry. But if you ask me, this stunt's got Sue Liu written all over it.
Phil: Sue Liu.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Jay, you're just gonna make things worse if you act like a child.
Joe: Hey, I'm a child. That triggers me and hurts my feelings.
Jay: Damn hippie private school. Who's gonna fight the wars, guys? Who?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Rather than push Mom away, give her a reason to come home. For years, women have been waiting at their door for their husbands, martini in hand, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. Maybe it's your turn.
Jay: You don't want to see this in Saran Wrap.
Manny: It's a metaphor. Come on. Do something sweet, and I bet the whole thing turns around. Who knows better how to love my mother, me or you?
Jay: You better get a job with mental-health benefits before all that bubbles up.

Quote from Ronaldo

Cameron: How horrible is this party?
Ronaldo: I'm a skinny little girl with twig arms. It's all anyone's talking about.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Alls I'm saying is the other families had alibis, and you wouldn't be the first mother/son crime duo in history.
Madge: I told you, Phil, we didn't steal your sign. We slept in this morning.
Evan: Mother and I went clubbing last night. We went looking for a husband but lost ourselves on the dance floor.
Phil: Nice try, but I'm not buying what you're selling. [pops their balloons] Confess! I can do this all day! Or... ...six more times!
Gloria: [car horn honks] Phil! I'm tracking the thief that stole our sign! Hurry! He's getting away!
Phil: I guess this new information bursts my balloon. I bid you good day.

Quote from Alex

Josie: I'm going to jail. I signed things without reading them. What if I helped the pervs? What if I put the gun in their hand?
Alex: Doesn't sound like it was a gun in their hand.
Haley: [chuckles] Solid.

Quote from Longinus

Longinus: Well, there you all are. Look, I love you, but you are literally the only six people here I don't want in my bedroom.
Mitchell: Thanks. We weren't feeling insecure enough already.

Quote from Longinus

Bobby: You know what I think? You only invited us because we make you look like the hot old guy!
Longinus: Old guy? I'm not old.
Cameron: Oh, please. Hide that hairline all you want. We know what year you danced on that Paula Abdul tour, and so do they.
Longinus: Oh, my God. I'm making a fool out of myself, aren't I? Straight up, now tell me.


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