Phil: [aside to camera] It was simplicity itself. A year ago, Claire accused me for the millionth time that I couldn't scare her, so I came up with a plan. I'd just sold a house to a European couple that weren't gonna take possession for a while, so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in. Fortunately, the house was right on Claire's jogging route, so it was easy to introduce Claire to Ida Mae, and when I wanted to amp it up, I had Ida Mae make contact. Then, this morning... I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire. I just did that so she'd accuse me of not being able to scare her.
[flashback:]
Claire: It's all about plausability.
[back:]
Phil: Damn right, it is. Over the past year, Ida Mae joined the neighborhood association, hung up a poster for her lost dog, signed up for Meals on Wheels. They're not bad, by the way. Also, she got a lot of knitting done.

Gloria: Is it cold in here, or is it just me because I am the frozen lady from "Frozen"?

Cameron: Wow. This place has changed. It used to be so much... gayer.
Mitchell: Straight people always take our best stuff. First, they came for our brunches, and I said nothing.

Manny: Spidey... 11:00.
Jay: Spider-Man! Hold up!
Boy: I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool. It's a totally different character.
Manny: Look, before I realized it was a symbol of this man's mortality, I accidentally gave you some candy bar...
Jay: Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy. Look, you kids should know about this. There was a famous commercial back in the '70s, first time on TV a girl touched a baseball.

Luke: No matter what I'd need, it'd be right there in her purse... Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins. Because sometimes I'm not angry. I'm just hungry.

Claire: [screams]
Phil: Oh, I'm sorry, Claire. Did I scare you?
Claire: [gasps] You did this?
Phil: Yep.
Claire: How long have you planned this...
Phil: 11 months, two weeks, and three days ago, I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann. Because I da main man.
Claire: Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil.

Claire: Aw, that is cute. You tried to scare me for Halloween.
Phil: How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood. I nicked myself putting it on!
Claire: Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. It's all about plausibility. And you were awfully casual for a guy who just got an ax in the chest. You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should've waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Phil: Excuse me! I killed myself?!
Claire: Yeah. Totally plausible. I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right? By the way, I am not married to the whole necktie thing. It could be, um... shotgun or poison or a power drill to the eye...
Phil: Stop. Stop! Now you're scaring me.
Claire: That's how you do it. Bam!

Luke: Hey, happy Halloween!
Phil: It was until your mother ruined it.
Claire: Oh, he's just mad because he tried to scare me and he couldn't. I'm tough to scare.
Luke: My girlfriend's pregnant.
Phil: No!
Claire: Phil. She's our age. If she was pregnant, it'd be on the news. But good one.

Cameron: Mitchell. Judge... Judy.
Mitchell: Your talent, it's like you were touched by a gay-ngel.
Cameron: And you said we would never wear the groomsmen shoes from Pepper's wedding again.

Jay: Look, I know you breastfed until you could stand, but aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating?
Manny: This isn't for Halloween. I'm in final rehearsals for my one-man show "Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again." I've saved you four seats, but if you need more...
Jay: No, four's good.
Manny: So, what's the surprise?
Jay: Well, it's kind of a Joe thing. You know, he's out trick-or-treating with his friends. I-I'll wait till he comes home to show it to him.
Manny: Hmm, playing favorites with your sons, perhaps unconsciously repeating the cycle your own father perpetuated on...
Jay: You know, one ticket's gonna be good enough.