TV Quotes

Phil: [aside to camera] You don't get to be district salesman of the year without thinking inside the box. That's right. I said "inside." You know why? 'Cause while everyone's chasing each other around outside the box, you know what the box is? [tapping his skull] Empty.

Claire: [on the phone] How's your open house?
Phil: Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?

Luke: Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?
Alex: Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth-breather.
Phil: Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things.

Claire: I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.
Phil: That's the point, Claire.
Claire: It was overkill.
Phil: You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam and I have always known that someday, we were gonna have to have the big talk with Lily about who her mom was. We- We were gonna pick the right time and do it together, carefully following an agreed-upon script. [sighs] Then I got tired.
[flashback:]
Mitchell: "And she was the most beautiful princess in all the land. The end." Again.
Lily: Why is Tyler's mommy so fat?
Mitchell: Oh, that's because she has- She has a baby in her belly. Okay? Good night.
Lily: Was I in my mom's belly?
Mitchell: Lily, no more questions, all right? Just- Just go to sleep.
Lily: Where's my mom now?
Mitchell: Um, she's In a faraway land.
Lily: Why?
Mitchell: Because she's a princess. And she's very, very busy.
Lily: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I thought that she'd forget about it by the next morning. I mean, I did. Oh, I knew I was gonna have to tell Cam, and he was gonna be furious, but I was hoping that he'd see the bigger issue. You know, I was really tired.

Jay: I must be getting rusty with my moves.
Gloria: Moves? What moves?
Jay: You know, flash the baby blues, hit 'em with the devilish grin. In case of emergency, break glass and bust out the dimple.
Gloria: Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?
Jay: 'Cause I'm 100. Chicken pox. And it doesn't matter where it's from. It always worked.

Manny: Nothing on purpose. It was between periods, right before this big test. I was clearing my mind by practicing some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.
Jay: As one does.
Manny: Right. And my umbrella accidentally snagged the fire alarm. The principal thought I did it on purpose so we'd miss the test.
Gloria: But you didn't! That's it! I'm going to his house!

Manny: Mom! You gotta stop doing this. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy, which we both know isn't your fault... [Manny's eyes follow Jay as he crosses the room] But lately you've been such a hothead.
Gloria: I am not a hothead! I am Colombian. We get excited. My country is covered in coffee.
Manny: Just like the Starbucks girl when she got your order wrong?
Gloria: Half-caf, non-fat wet soy latte. How hard is that to hear?!

Jay: What was that?
Gloria: Some rude dummies, that they think that they can-
Jay: All right, listen. Let's just calm down. Get ready for the party.
Gloria: Calm down what? Huh? You think I'm a hothead, like Manny?
Jay: No! You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe. Still, that's a far cry from-
Gloria: [opening the door] You put egg on my house, I kill what you love!
Jay: Psycho.

Jay: First of all, relax. We're at a party. Secondly, you've been deported twice. You're not allowed to be that defensive.

Claire: I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors we would keep our decorations more "family friendly".
Alex: We can't even carve a pumpkin?
Claire: The petition was very specific.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Every Halloween, we have the best house. Last year, I took things to a whole new level. But, apparently, it was too scary for some kids. And one adult.

Phil: I don't care what anyone says. You did not give that man a heart attack.
Claire: Thank you.
Phil: I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?
Claire: Uh, yeah, sure, but-
Phil: It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their kids out of traffic.
Now they can get away from all that, and see a nice house.
Claire: What do you mean, I'm not even scary?
Phil: I literally almost scared the life out of a man. You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam has lost a lot of weight. No. So we're throwing a Halloween party to debut the new him.
Cameron: I'll be dressed as a matador.
Mitchell: Wh- What is it now, 30?
Cameron: 32.4.
Mitchell: Ah.
Cameron: So I've lost Lily.
Mitchell: Where is Lily? Hmm? Do you- You don't have her?
Cameron: No. Why would I have her? I don't have her in my pocket.

Lily: What about the tiara?
Mitchell: Uh, we didn't buy one. You can just use the one from last year.
Lily: Are we poor?
Mitchell: No, sweetheart, but you don't need two tiaras. How 'bout next Halloween you try a different costume?
Lily: No. I have to be a princess.
Mitchell: Every year? Why?
Lily: Because my mom's a princess, just like you told me.

Mitchell: Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing about Lily wanting to be a princess again? Well, I-I think it might be because I let her believe her mother was-
Cameron: This is a nightmare.
Mitchell: It was just a mistake.
Cameron: More like a disaster. They sent the matador costume in your size, and the bull costume in mine.
Mitchell: Oh. I didn't notice. Now no one's gonna see my bod in this bulky bull costume.

Cameron: Why is she so obsessed with princesses?
Mitchell: Well... Like we weren't at that age? I mean...

Jay: I'm not mad about the ticket. It's just the first time I couldn't charm my way out of one of these things.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: The way I see it, it's not a ticket. It's a conversation.
[flashback:]
Jay: No offense. You don't need that siren. You could stop traffic just getting out of that squad car.
Police Officer: License and registration, please.
Jay: I, uh I'm no stranger to the police academy myself. Seen all seven of them.
Police Officer: Sir, no one's seen all seven. Is this information accurate?
Jay: Yeah. Uh, except for the weight. I thought they wanted to know how much I could curl.

Phil: Which brings us back to our formal dining room. Now any questions?
Boy: Can we have our candy now?
Phil: Just as soon as we go over what you're gonna tell your parents. Now what was our style?
Kids: Pre-war craftsman.
Phil: Good, good. And how many square feet?
Kids: 3,500.

Claire: Still no trick-or-treaters?
Alex: Not yet.
Claire: Well, maybe people are going out later this year.
Alex: Well, the street's full of kids, but they're actively detouring around our house.

Claire: Who wants some candy? Plenty of name-brand - Family-friendly candy right here.
Father: It's a trap!