Phil: [aside to camera] You don't get to be district salesman of the year without thinking inside the box. That's right. I said "inside." You know why? 'Cause while everyone's chasing each other around outside the box, you know what the box is? [tapping his skull] Empty.

Claire: [on the phone] How's your open house?
Phil: Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?

Luke: Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?
Alex: Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth-breather.
Phil: Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things.

Claire: I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.
Phil: That's the point, Claire.
Claire: It was overkill.
Phil: You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam and I have always known that someday, we were gonna have to have the big talk with Lily about who her mom was. We- We were gonna pick the right time and do it together, carefully following an agreed-upon script. [sighs] Then I got tired.
[flashback:]
Mitchell: "And she was the most beautiful princess in all the land. The end." Again.
Lily: Why is Tyler's mommy so fat?
Mitchell: Oh, that's because she has- She has a baby in her belly. Okay? Good night.
Lily: Was I in my mom's belly?
Mitchell: Lily, no more questions, all right? Just- Just go to sleep.
Lily: Where's my mom now?
Mitchell: Um, she's In a faraway land.
Lily: Why?
Mitchell: Because she's a princess. And she's very, very busy.
Lily: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I thought that she'd forget about it by the next morning. I mean, I did. Oh, I knew I was gonna have to tell Cam, and he was gonna be furious, but I was hoping that he'd see the bigger issue. You know, I was really tired.

Jay: I must be getting rusty with my moves.
Gloria: Moves? What moves?
Jay: You know, flash the baby blues, hit 'em with the devilish grin. In case of emergency, break glass and bust out the dimple.
Gloria: Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?
Jay: 'Cause I'm 100. Chicken pox. And it doesn't matter where it's from. It always worked.

Manny: Nothing on purpose. It was between periods, right before this big test. I was clearing my mind by practicing some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.
Jay: As one does.
Manny: Right. And my umbrella accidentally snagged the fire alarm. The principal thought I did it on purpose so we'd miss the test.
Gloria: But you didn't! That's it! I'm going to his house!

Manny: Mom! You gotta stop doing this. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy, which we both know isn't your fault... [Manny's eyes follow Jay as he crosses the room] But lately you've been such a hothead.
Gloria: I am not a hothead! I am Colombian. We get excited. My country is covered in coffee.
Manny: Just like the Starbucks girl when she got your order wrong?
Gloria: Half-caf, non-fat wet soy latte. How hard is that to hear?!

Jay: What was that?
Gloria: Some rude dummies, that they think that they can-
Jay: All right, listen. Let's just calm down. Get ready for the party.
Gloria: Calm down what? Huh? You think I'm a hothead, like Manny?
Jay: No! You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe. Still, that's a far cry from-
Gloria: [opening the door] You put egg on my house, I kill what you love!
Jay: Psycho.

Jay: First of all, relax. We're at a party. Secondly, you've been deported twice. You're not allowed to be that defensive.