TV Quotes

Phil: [aside to camera] You don't get to be district salesman of the year without thinking inside the box. That's right. I said "inside." You know why? 'Cause while everyone's chasing each other around outside the box, you know what the box is? [tapping his skull] Empty.

Claire: [on the phone] How's your open house?
Phil: Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?

Luke: Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?
Alex: Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth-breather.
Phil: Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things.

Claire: I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.
Phil: That's the point, Claire.
Claire: It was overkill.
Phil: You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam and I have always known that someday, we were gonna have to have the big talk with Lily about who her mom was. We- We were gonna pick the right time and do it together, carefully following an agreed-upon script. [sighs] Then I got tired.
[flashback:]
Mitchell: "And she was the most beautiful princess in all the land. The end." Again.
Lily: Why is Tyler's mommy so fat?
Mitchell: Oh, that's because she has- She has a baby in her belly. Okay? Good night.
Lily: Was I in my mom's belly?
Mitchell: Lily, no more questions, all right? Just- Just go to sleep.
Lily: Where's my mom now?
Mitchell: Um, she's In a faraway land.
Lily: Why?
Mitchell: Because she's a princess. And she's very, very busy.
Lily: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I thought that she'd forget about it by the next morning. I mean, I did. Oh, I knew I was gonna have to tell Cam, and he was gonna be furious, but I was hoping that he'd see the bigger issue. You know, I was really tired.

Jay: I must be getting rusty with my moves.
Gloria: Moves? What moves?
Jay: You know, flash the baby blues, hit 'em with the devilish grin. In case of emergency, break glass and bust out the dimple.
Gloria: Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?
Jay: 'Cause I'm 100. Chicken pox. And it doesn't matter where it's from. It always worked.

Manny: Nothing on purpose. It was between periods, right before this big test. I was clearing my mind by practicing some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.
Jay: As one does.
Manny: Right. And my umbrella accidentally snagged the fire alarm. The principal thought I did it on purpose so we'd miss the test.
Gloria: But you didn't! That's it! I'm going to his house!

Manny: Mom! You gotta stop doing this. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy, which we both know isn't your fault... [Manny's eyes follow Jay as he crosses the room] But lately you've been such a hothead.
Gloria: I am not a hothead! I am Colombian. We get excited. My country is covered in coffee.
Manny: Just like the Starbucks girl when she got your order wrong?
Gloria: Half-caf, non-fat wet soy latte. How hard is that to hear?!

Jay: What was that?
Gloria: Some rude dummies, that they think that they can-
Jay: All right, listen. Let's just calm down. Get ready for the party.
Gloria: Calm down what? Huh? You think I'm a hothead, like Manny?
Jay: No! You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe. Still, that's a far cry from-
Gloria: [opening the door] You put egg on my house, I kill what you love!
Jay: Psycho.

Jay: First of all, relax. We're at a party. Secondly, you've been deported twice. You're not allowed to be that defensive.

Claire: I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors we would keep our decorations more "family friendly".
Alex: We can't even carve a pumpkin?
Claire: The petition was very specific.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Every Halloween, we have the best house. Last year, I took things to a whole new level. But, apparently, it was too scary for some kids. And one adult.

Phil: I don't care what anyone says. You did not give that man a heart attack.
Claire: Thank you.
Phil: I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?
Claire: Uh, yeah, sure, but-
Phil: It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their kids out of traffic.
Now they can get away from all that, and see a nice house.
Claire: What do you mean, I'm not even scary?
Phil: I literally almost scared the life out of a man. You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam has lost a lot of weight. No. So we're throwing a Halloween party to debut the new him.
Cameron: I'll be dressed as a matador.
Mitchell: Wh- What is it now, 30?
Cameron: 32.4.
Mitchell: Ah.
Cameron: So I've lost Lily.
Mitchell: Where is Lily? Hmm? Do you- You don't have her?
Cameron: No. Why would I have her? I don't have her in my pocket.

Lily: What about the tiara?
Mitchell: Uh, we didn't buy one. You can just use the one from last year.
Lily: Are we poor?
Mitchell: No, sweetheart, but you don't need two tiaras. How 'bout next Halloween you try a different costume?
Lily: No. I have to be a princess.
Mitchell: Every year? Why?
Lily: Because my mom's a princess, just like you told me.

Mitchell: Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing about Lily wanting to be a princess again? Well, I-I think it might be because I let her believe her mother was-
Cameron: This is a nightmare.
Mitchell: It was just a mistake.
Cameron: More like a disaster. They sent the matador costume in your size, and the bull costume in mine.
Mitchell: Oh. I didn't notice. Now no one's gonna see my bod in this bulky bull costume.

Cameron: Why is she so obsessed with princesses?
Mitchell: Well... Like we weren't at that age? I mean...

Jay: I'm not mad about the ticket. It's just the first time I couldn't charm my way out of one of these things.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: The way I see it, it's not a ticket. It's a conversation.
[flashback:]
Jay: No offense. You don't need that siren. You could stop traffic just getting out of that squad car.
Police Officer: License and registration, please.
Jay: I, uh I'm no stranger to the police academy myself. Seen all seven of them.
Police Officer: Sir, no one's seen all seven. Is this information accurate?
Jay: Yeah. Uh, except for the weight. I thought they wanted to know how much I could curl.

Phil: Which brings us back to our formal dining room. Now any questions?
Boy: Can we have our candy now?
Phil: Just as soon as we go over what you're gonna tell your parents. Now what was our style?
Kids: Pre-war craftsman.
Phil: Good, good. And how many square feet?
Kids: 3,500.

Claire: Still no trick-or-treaters?
Alex: Not yet.
Claire: Well, maybe people are going out later this year.
Alex: Well, the street's full of kids, but they're actively detouring around our house.

Claire: Who wants some candy? Plenty of name-brand - Family-friendly candy right here.
Father: It's a trap!

Gloria: Jay, you have to get ready for Mitch and Cam's party.
Jay: Gloria, does my skin look looser to you?
Gloria: What?
Jay: Maybe I should try some of that fancy neck cream of yours. Don't you have some with specks of diamonds in it or something?

Young Men: [together] Trick-or-treat.
Gloria: You guys don't even have costumes.
Young Man #1: I'm a skeleton.
Young Man #2: And I'm--I'm a lemon.
Gloria: Aren't you too old to be trick-or-treating?
Young Man #1: Aren't you too old to be having a baby?
Gloria: Ah, you find that funny, lemon? Here's a better joke. Knock, knock. What's gone? Your candy!

Reuben: Plush utility room? Yeah, right. I know a hall closet when I see one.
Luke: And your dad never lies? What medical school did the great appliance doctor attend?

Durkas: Hey, Delgado.
Manny: Oh, no! Durkas! What I wouldn't give for this umbrella to have Mary Poppins' powers.
Luke: Oh, I pray he didn't hear that.

Durkas: Heard you pulled the fire alarm today and got us out of that test. Good job.
Manny: Thanks, Mr. Durkas.
Durkas: You know what? You don't need to call me that anymore. Anyway, we're all meeting at the playground at 8:00 and heading out, if you want to join.
Luke: [dressed as the devil] You're totally going to that.
Reuben: [dressed as an Angels player] Yeah, if you want to ruin your reputation.
Luke: You're finally gonna be in with the cool kids.
Reuben: You need to talk at the school assembly on Monday and apologize to all the teachers.
Luke: Teachers. More like public sector parasites.

Steven: Take one. I'm an egg donor. I love your costume, too, Cam. Adora-bull.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you. It's all in fun. I half-wanted to wear something tighter. You know, I've been reducing.
Steven: I can see.
Cameron: Well, you say it like you can't.
Steven: No, no, no. I totally can.
Cameron: [unzipping] Impressive, huh?

Mitchell: Hey, Cam. I'm hearing a rumor that you keep flashing our guests.
Cameron: Oh, well, not in a perverted way. I just want people to see my body under this stupid costume.
Mitchell: That's very close to what actual flashers say.

Cameron: I'm just tired of throwing out compliments and not getting anything back. I told Roberto his spray tan looked real. Look for yourself. It's on two of our pillows and our cat.

Phil: [on the phone] Well, this night was a bust. Not a single person even Or did I speak too soon? Was someone in the mood to be a bad little ghoul? Oh, Connie, I didn't mean you. I'm- Hey, that's just- That's just the divorce talking. Hang in there. Bye-bye.

Mitchell: Well, someone decided to take a trip to fantasy island after all.
Cameron: Well, I'm tired of people not noticing my new physique. If this doesn't work, I'm breaking out the diaper and top hat and going as Baby New Year!

Gloria: I'm just saying that we could have caught those kids.
Jay: What, and chase them around all night? I'm not a young man anymore, as the world keeps pointing out.
Gloria: What did that waiter just call you outside?
Jay: Medieval Knievel.

Steven: That is hilarious. I love when people put some thought into their outfit. Illegal alien, sugar daddy.
Gloria: Why do you say "illegal"?
Steven: Because antennas are alien, and you're-
Gloria: What? Illegal? Because of the color of my skin? Why don't I dump your baby in your gas tank?

Gloria: What is it with me lately? Manny's right. I'm such a hothead.
Jay: It happens. You're pregnant.
Gloria: That's what it is, isn't it? It's the baby. It's angry in there.
Jay: No!
Gloria: Yes! You just said it yourself. I have changed. I have an angry baby inside of me making me do bad things!
Jay: It's just hormones. It's your mama bear instinct kicking in. And that's a good thing, because that means you're gonna be a great mom. Again.
Gloria: Do you really think so?
Jay: You got a lucky little kid in there. He's got a mom who's not gonna let anyone harm him.
Gloria: Or her.
Jay: Or- Or him.

Lily: Do you know my mom? She's a princess.
Mitchell: She's exhausted. She's not making sense. She's so tired.
Lily: Daddy, you told me!
Cameron: What is she talking about, Mitchell?
Lily: My real mom. She is, right?
Cameron: Okay, I think we need to have a little talk.
Lily: Uh-oh.
Mitchell: Sam, do you notice how slim Cam's getting?
Cameron: Nice try. I will be back for that answer.

Cameron: We agreed to tell Lily about her mother together, wearing calming earth tones, and we agreed to tell her the truth.

Mitchell: The way you agreed so quickly makes me wonder what sort of things you've told her.
Cameron: I may have told her her fibs kills birds.
Mitchell: Wow. We're coming back to that one.

Cameron: Um... Well, do you remember how we used to tell you there was a heaven for all the flowers that die?
Mitchell: [through side of mouth] What do you mean, "used to"?
Cameron: [through side of mouth] Sorry, I let it slip. We'll deal with it later.
Mitchell: [through side of mouth] How much are you not telling me?
Lily: [through side of mouth] Why are you talking like this?
Cameron: Daddies took a little side trip. Sorry, sweetie.

Mitchell: Um, so sometimes, uh, we tell you things like that to make you feel better. And I might have done the same thing when I told you that your mom is a princess.
Lily: So she's not?
Cameron: Well, you know what? She might be.
Mitchell: She might be.
Cameron: But we can't know for sure, honey, because well, we don't know where she is or what she's doing.
Mitchell: B- But what- What we do know is that she loved you very, very much. And she knew that she couldn't take care of you, so she made sure that you went with the most loving family she could find.
Cameron: And that's how the three of us became a family. Does that make sense, sweetie?
Mitchell: Do you have any questions for us?
Lily: Why did you say a fib and kill a bird?

Sam: I noticed you walking in with your wife earlier. She's stunning.
Jay: You know my favorite part of that compliment? You knew she was my wife. Half the world thinks she's my daughter.
Sam: Well, if you ask me, she's a lucky girl. Bummer for me, though. Handsomest man in here, and he's taken.
Jay: I'll bet you do all right with the boys.
Sam: I do. It's the men I'm interested in.
Jay: You just put it all right out there, don't you?
Sam: I always try to hold a little something back.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no, no. Leave him.
Cameron: No, but you know that's a
Gloria: I know. He needs this.

Sam: It was great meeting you, Jay.
Jay: You, too, Sam.
Cameron: Wow! Looks like somebody really likes you.
Jay: What can I say? I still got it. I've been meaning to ask you, have you lost some weight? Because you look good.
Cameron: Wow, you have no idea what that means to hear from you, Jay.
Jay: Uh, turn it that way.

Phil: Okay, Claire, they're gone. You can come out now. Claire? Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't scary. It's been such a long day. Can we please just go home? [wind whistles, loud clicking] All right. I'm leaving without ya. [TV turns on] So this remote you know how to use.

Jay: Hey, you never told me if you hit those kids with that egg.
Gloria: They blended into the crowd, but there was a slow one with them. He couldn't run so fast, and I nailed him pretty good.
[cut to:]
Reuben: I warned you.
Manny: Okay, Reuben.
Reuben: Where are your cool friends now? Not q-tipping your ear, that's for sure.
Manny: Okay, Reuben.
Reuben: This is why I never hang out with cool kids.
Manny: Yeah, you rejected them, shortly after you and your mom roller danced at the talent show.
Reuben: [scoffs] Oh, we were robbed.
Manny: Couldn't have been the song you picked. "Wing beneath my w--" Ow!

Reuben: [dressed as Angels player] Be strong, Manny.
Luke: [dressed as the devil] Be smart. Adventures, parties.
Reuben: Juvie, heartache.
Luke: Girls!
Reuben: But not the kind we want.
Manny: They're all the kind we want.