‘Open House of Horrors’ Quotes

405. Open House of Horrors
Aired October 24, 2012
After overdoing Halloween the previous year, Claire is forced to tone it down and keep it family-friendly. Phil decides to hold on an open house on the spookiest night of the year. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron host a costume party which prompts an awkward question from Lily about who her real mother is, and Gloria has a shorter fuse than usual.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] You don't get to be district salesman of the year without thinking inside the box. That's right. I said "inside." You know why? 'Cause while everyone's chasing each other around outside the box, you know what the box is? [tapping his skull] Empty.
Quote from Phil
Claire: [on the phone] How's your open house?
Phil: Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?
Quote from Luke
Luke: Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?
Alex: Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth-breather.
Phil: Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things.
Quote from Phil
Claire: I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.
Phil: That's the point, Claire.
Claire: It was overkill.
Phil: You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam and I have always known that someday, we were gonna have to have the big talk with Lily about who her mom was. We- We were gonna pick the right time and do it together, carefully following an agreed-upon script. [sighs] Then I got tired.
[flashback:]
Mitchell: "And she was the most beautiful princess in all the land. The end." Again.
Lily: Why is Tyler's mommy so fat?
Mitchell: Oh, that's because she has- She has a baby in her belly. Okay? Good night.
Lily: Was I in my mom's belly?
Mitchell: Lily, no more questions, all right? Just- Just go to sleep.
Lily: Where's my mom now?
Mitchell: Um, she's In a faraway land.
Lily: Why?
Mitchell: Because she's a princess. And she's very, very busy.
Lily: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I thought that she'd forget about it by the next morning. I mean, I did. Oh, I knew I was gonna have to tell Cam, and he was gonna be furious, but I was hoping that he'd see the bigger issue. You know, I was really tired.
Quote from Jay
Jay: I must be getting rusty with my moves.
Gloria: Moves? What moves?
Jay: You know, flash the baby blues, hit 'em with the devilish grin. In case of emergency, break glass and bust out the dimple.
Gloria: Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?
Jay: 'Cause I'm 100. Chicken pox. And it doesn't matter where it's from. It always worked.
Quote from Gloria
Manny: Nothing on purpose. It was between periods, right before this big test. I was clearing my mind by practicing some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.
Jay: As one does.
Manny: Right. And my umbrella accidentally snagged the fire alarm. The principal thought I did it on purpose so we'd miss the test.
Gloria: But you didn't! That's it! I'm going to his house!
Quote from Gloria
Manny: Mom! You gotta stop doing this. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy, which we both know isn't your fault... [Manny's eyes follow Jay as he crosses the room] But lately you've been such a hothead.
Gloria: I am not a hothead! I am Colombian. We get excited. My country is covered in coffee.
Manny: Just like the Starbucks girl when she got your order wrong?
Gloria: Half-caf, non-fat wet soy latte. How hard is that to hear?!
Quote from Gloria
Jay: What was that?
Gloria: Some rude dummies, that they think that they can-
Jay: All right, listen. Let's just calm down. Get ready for the party.
Gloria: Calm down what? Huh? You think I'm a hothead, like Manny?
Jay: No! You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe. Still, that's a far cry from-
Gloria: [opening the door] You put egg on my house, I kill what you love!
Jay: Psycho.
Quote from Jay
Jay: First of all, relax. We're at a party. Secondly, you've been deported twice. You're not allowed to be that defensive.