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36Quotes from ‘The Closet Case’

Modern Family: The Closet Case

703. The Closet Case

Aired October 7, 2015

Phil is eager to be the cool dad when he allows Dylan to move into the basement with Haley. Mitchell takes on a consulting job for Jay's biggest rival - Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. Meanwhile, Cameron and Gloria disagree over how to support Manny when a cheerleader declines to decorate his locker.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] That was the moment I realized Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out so he could be the cool one. Well, I can be cool, too. I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Also, we were kind of hoping that Dylan could stay in the basement with me for a little while.
Phil: Oh.
Haley: He's trying to save up to build inventory, and rent is killing him.
Dylan: It feels like they're asking for money, like, every six weeks.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Hey, guys. Can we talk for a second?
Haley: What's up?
Phil: Actually, let's sit down. There's something pretty important we need to discuss.
Dylan: Okay, whoa. This is exactly how it started out when I found out my father wasn't really in space.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: There you go. A nice yummy breakfast.
Lily: Hey, where's the little leprechaun?
Cameron: Oh, I think he's still getting dressed.
Lily: No, on the box. This isn't our normal cereal.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, I want a new cheerleader for Manny. Give me this yearbook and I'm gonna pick one for him.
Cameron: No. Even if I did think that was a good idea, I'm not gonna abuse my position of power in the school.
Gloria: You share an office with a tetherball.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You have to just let nature take its course, just like this webcam I've been watching. It's a live stream of wild otters.
Gloria: I forget, is it the small hairy men or the tall not hairy men?
Cameron: Small hairy, but these are actual otters.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: That was weird.
Dylan: You know what's weird? Thinking your dad's on the moon, then seeing him working at the mall.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Well, at least you finally realized this is not some silly rivalry. Now let me get at his cigars so I can drag my deal across it.
Mitchell: Okay, I have to say, the scotch is starting to wear off and I'm having second thoughts about this plan, Dad.
Jay: What's there to think about? You take a picture of me dragging my deal across the cigars, we give him enough time to smoke them, and we send the photo to Earl.
Mitchell: First of all, Earl will then have a picture of you with your pants down, and I'll have that same picture in my brain for the rest of my life.
Jay: Suddenly you're squeamish about seeing another man's deal? The man made a fool of you, Mitchell!
Mitchell: You're right. I'm overthinking it. Whip it out.
Earl Chambers: Keep your deal in your pants, Pritchett!
Mitchell: Okay, does everybody call it a deal? How have I never heard of this?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] As bad as I wanted Dylan out, I wasn't gonna flinch. Phil needed to do it. He needed to be as tough as that eagle on the Internet. Dumb otter never saw it coming.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Um, I got an offer to handle a case, but I'm a little worried about who it's for.
Jay: What's the matter now? Killing whales? Drilling for oil? Child labor? 'Cause let me tell you something. I had a paper route when I was 7 years old, and you know what it gave me? A work ethic and a right arm like Popeye.
Mitchell: No, dad, it- I'd be working for Closets, Closets, Closets-
Jay: Next word better not be closets.
Mitchell: Of course it's closets!
Jay: Now I'm confused. Are you talking about "Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets", or "Of Course It's Closets"? 'Cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter, and poor guy has a son who's not quite right.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: It is great, it's just there's, um slight complication. It's for Closets, Closets-
Cameron: I don't like where this is going.
Mitchell: Closets-
Cameron: Don't say it.
Mitchell: Closets.
Cameron: [gasps]
Mitchell: What did you think the last word might be?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, I know that there's some history there, but can't we all just move on?
Cameron: Your father hasn't. He still crank calls Earl every year on the anniversary of the day that is now known as Black Wednesday Afternoon.
Mitchell: I really need this job.
Cameron: At least tell your dad first and spare him the pain I felt when I found out you were still getting your hair cut at Miguel's.
Mitchell: Wait, what did Miguel do to you again?
Cameron: He recommended a shampoo for thinning hair, Mitchell.

Quote from Phil

Dylan: Hey, Mr. Dunphy, can we have just a moment of your time?
Phil: Come on, now. How long have we known each other? We should be on a first-name basis. Better yet, a nickname basis, Vitamin D.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Hey, hon. Do you have a minute?
Claire: Just. I can't be late to work. We are unveiling a new closet today: the Trulhatten. It's Swedish, it's cheap, it's modern. We're gonna grab Ikea by the meatballs.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Haley and Dylan in her bedroom?
Phil: They're doing what they're doing. I say we be evolved about it.
Claire: Fine. If you're really okay with our precious daughter shacking up with her ne'er-do-well boyfriend, so be it.
Phil: I just don't want them sneaking around like we had to. The scariest moment of my life was that pantsless conversation I had with your dad through the Dutch door.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know why he's doing this?!
Mitchell: Because I'm a good lawyer who handled a similar case for you last year.
Jay: He's doing this to mess with me! I was referred by another lawyer. I doubt Earl even knows about it. That Rolodex was full of A-list clients. Your Erik Estradas, your Fran Tarkentons, your Leslie Uggums.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, are these real names?

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: How could you? I trusted you. I defended you to my father, and you made me look like a fool! And all for what? Closets.
Jay: You mean the place that people start each day, choosing an outfit that gives them the confidence to achieve their dreams?
Earl Chambers: Or that magical space that turns a bonus room into a bedroom and a house into a home?
Jay: Well, thanks to cheap materials, your closets turn a house into a fire trap!
Earl Chambers: We pleaded no contest. That is not an admission of guilt.
Jay: I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.

Quote from Luke

Brie: And they say by the end of the semester, we'll know how to sequence a genome.
Luke: I don't know about genomes, but on my father's side of the family, we do have a garden gnome. He uses a mushroom as an umbrella.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, you can't work for your father's rival.
Lily: Hey, wait. Why does grandpa have a rival?
Jay: Oh, who knows?
Cameron: Betrayal. Because 30 years ago, your grandfather's business partner and best friend, Earl Chambers, stole his Rolodex with all of his clients and started his own company on a day that is now known as Black Wednesday Afternoon.
Mitchell: Nobody calls it that.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [holding her cereal bowl by the spoon] Maybe we can use this to fix the loose tile in the bathroom.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Glad to hear you say that, 'cause, um, we have a favor to ask you. You know how Dyl- Vitamin D has his own t-shirt business?
Phil: Oh, I should've seen this coming. Um... Yes, I will model for you, but I'm gonna need to own the negatives.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I guess if your mom's okay with it, I'm okay with it.
Haley: Oh, um, and could you ask her for us?
Phil: I'll give it a shot, but it'll be the second thing I've talked her into this morning, and it'll be a lot trickier now that she's fully awake.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Listen, I was talking to Haley and Dylan-
Claire: Ugh.
Phil: They want to know if he can stay in the basement for a few weeks.
Claire: Oh, Phil, I think that's a bad idea.
Phil: They're adults, and Dylan really has been getting his act together.
Claire: This doesn't bother you?
Phil: I don't enjoy having to get your approval for everything, but that's the deal I made.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [answering video chat] How lazy are you? If you want to talk to us, just come downstairs.
Alex: Luke, I'm at college. I don't even live there anymore.
Luke: And you have been missed.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [answering phone] Hey, what's up?
Luke: Manny, you and I are going to college.
Manny: You sure are, buddy. Who cares what that guidance counselor said?
Luke: Look, there's a girl in my sister's dorm who's super into me, and she's got a hot roommate for you.
Manny: How hot?
Luke: Use your imagination.
Manny: Holy cow. I guess it would help take my mind off of Carly. Should we talk about what color ties we're gonna wear so we don't clash?
Luke: Click. [hangs up]

Quote from Jay

Jay: What about that probate? Who did you mess that up? Client's dead.
Mitchell: Okay, this is crazy. Why am I worried about your feelings when you obviously have no concern for mine? Y- I'm taking that job.
Jay: It's like a Hatfield working for a McCoy.
Mitchell: If a Hatfield ever worked for a McCoy, maybe it would've ended that ridiculous family feud.
Jay: Richard Dawson!
Both: Also in the Rolodex!

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Oh, you're both in the bed together.
Haley: Dad, it's fine.
Dylan: Yeah. Our room is your room, Philibuster.

Quote from Mitchell

Earl Chambers: Pritchett? Mitch Pritchett. Son of that son of a bitch Jay Pritchett?
Mitchell: Reporting for duty.
Earl Chambers: Don't bother unpacking that briefcase. I cannot have a Pritchett hanging around here. I got too much sensitive information your dad would love to get his hands on.
Mitchell: That was a takeout menu.
Earl Chambers: I don't want that man to know where I eat.

Quote from Manny

Alex: What are you two doing here?
Luke: Reaching out to a family member in distress. You sounded pretty upset yesterday.
Alex: So, you drove all the way down here? That's so sweet.
Luke: Hey, we're here for you. How are you feeling? What's new? Where's your friend Brie's room?
Alex: Ugh. Down the hall to the left. Just go.
Manny: Do you have a steam iron? Because I would love to give this blazer a-
Alex: Ugh.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Mom, what is it?
Claire: We were thinking about having pizza for dinner.
Dylan: Whoa!
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: Claire.
Claire: I know we had it a couple of days ago, but I'm too tired to cook. Hmm. I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Oh, hey, Mitchell, you're in luck. There's room for another knife in my back.
Mitchell: I just came here to tell you to your face that you're wrong about Earl. He is not that bad a guy.
Jay: I've seen him eat a panda steak.
Mitchell: He is a little rough around the edges, but, look, he wants the rivalry to end.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Gloria.
Gloria: Yes?
Cameron: Streamers, twinkle lights. "Sexy Manny"? I hope there's a number to a good therapist in here.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, fine, I did it.
Gloria: What happened with letting mother nature take its course like the otters in your computer?
Cameron: The little one's dead.
Gloria: What?
Cameron: The mother, she did nothing while an eagle pecked it apart. Nature is cruel.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Manny, you're up.
Manny: Can I just say it's so amazing spending some time with you two. I am so sick of superficial, self-absorbed high-school girls.
Brie: Oh, my god, I hated high-school girls.
Manny: The worst are cheerleaders.
Gretchen: They used to make fun of me behind my back brace.
Luke: Well, brace yourself for this. You look hot now.

Quote from Phil

Phil: That's it! I'm done! Oh! Haley, Dylan, this little living arrangement of yours, it's not working out and it's about to change.
Haley: Dad, why are you freaking out?
Phil: Because I'm your father and I can't have the two of you sleeping together in the same room like it's no big deal. So, from now on, you're gonna show me the respect I deserve and sneak around behind my back.
Claire: Do what, now?
Haley: I don't understand.
Phil: Starting tonight, you're sleeping in Alex's room, and if there's any monkey business, better happen after I'm asleep.

Quote from Dylan

Alex: [screams]
Dylan: [screams]
Alex: What are you doing in my bed?!
Dylan: Waiting for your dad to fall asleep.
Phil: What is going on in here?!
Claire: Alex, why are you home?
Alex: Sanjay broke up with me.
Claire: Oh!
Alex: It really hurts.
Dylan: [joining the group hug] Everything will be fine.
Phil: Just go sleep with Haley.


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