Claire: [aside to camera] That was the moment I realized Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out so he could be the cool one. Well, I can be cool, too. I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.

Haley: Also, we were kind of hoping that Dylan could stay in the basement with me for a little while.
Phil: Oh.
Haley: He's trying to save up to build inventory, and rent is killing him.
Dylan: It feels like they're asking for money, like, every six weeks.

Phil: Hey, guys. Can we talk for a second?
Haley: What's up?
Phil: Actually, let's sit down. There's something pretty important we need to discuss.
Dylan: Okay, whoa. This is exactly how it started out when I found out my father wasn't really in space.

Cameron: There you go. A nice yummy breakfast.
Lily: Hey, where's the little leprechaun?
Cameron: Oh, I think he's still getting dressed.
Lily: No, on the box. This isn't our normal cereal.

Gloria: Okay, I want a new cheerleader for Manny. Give me this yearbook and I'm gonna pick one for him.
Cameron: No. Even if I did think that was a good idea, I'm not gonna abuse my position of power in the school.
Gloria: You share an office with a tetherball.

Cameron: You have to just let nature take its course, just like this webcam I've been watching. It's a live stream of wild otters.
Gloria: I forget, is it the small hairy men or the tall not hairy men?
Cameron: Small hairy, but these are actual otters.

Haley: That was weird.
Dylan: You know what's weird? Thinking your dad's on the moon, then seeing him working at the mall.

Jay: Well, at least you finally realized this is not some silly rivalry. Now let me get at his cigars so I can drag my deal across it.
Mitchell: Okay, I have to say, the scotch is starting to wear off and I'm having second thoughts about this plan, Dad.
Jay: What's there to think about? You take a picture of me dragging my deal across the cigars, we give him enough time to smoke them, and we send the photo to Earl.
Mitchell: First of all, Earl will then have a picture of you with your pants down, and I'll have that same picture in my brain for the rest of my life.
Jay: Suddenly you're squeamish about seeing another man's deal? The man made a fool of you, Mitchell!
Mitchell: You're right. I'm overthinking it. Whip it out.
Earl Chambers: Keep your deal in your pants, Pritchett!
Mitchell: Okay, does everybody call it a deal? How have I never heard of this?

Claire: [aside to camera] As bad as I wanted Dylan out, I wasn't gonna flinch. Phil needed to do it. He needed to be as tough as that eagle on the Internet. Dumb otter never saw it coming.

Mitchell: Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Um, I got an offer to handle a case, but I'm a little worried about who it's for.
Jay: What's the matter now? Killing whales? Drilling for oil? Child labor? 'Cause let me tell you something. I had a paper route when I was 7 years old, and you know what it gave me? A work ethic and a right arm like Popeye.
Mitchell: No, dad, it- I'd be working for Closets, Closets, Closets-
Jay: Next word better not be closets.
Mitchell: Of course it's closets!
Jay: Now I'm confused. Are you talking about "Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets", or "Of Course It's Closets"? 'Cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter, and poor guy has a son who's not quite right.