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‘The Closet Case’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Closet Case

703. The Closet Case

Aired October 7, 2015

Phil is eager to be the cool dad when he allows Dylan to move into the basement with Haley. Mitchell takes on a consulting job for Jay's biggest rival - Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. Meanwhile, Cameron and Gloria disagree over how to support Manny when a cheerleader declines to decorate his locker.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] That was the moment I realized Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out so he could be the cool one. Well, I can be cool, too. I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.

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Quote from Dylan

Haley: Also, we were kind of hoping that Dylan could stay in the basement with me for a little while.
Phil: Oh.
Haley: He's trying to save up to build inventory, and rent is killing him.
Dylan: It feels like they're asking for money, like, every six weeks.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Hey, guys. Can we talk for a second?
Haley: What's up?
Phil: Actually, let's sit down. There's something pretty important we need to discuss.
Dylan: Okay, whoa. This is exactly how it started out when I found out my father wasn't really in space.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: There you go. A nice yummy breakfast.
Lily: Hey, where's the little leprechaun?
Cameron: Oh, I think he's still getting dressed.
Lily: No, on the box. This isn't our normal cereal.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, I want a new cheerleader for Manny. Give me this yearbook and I'm gonna pick one for him.
Cameron: No. Even if I did think that was a good idea, I'm not gonna abuse my position of power in the school.
Gloria: You share an office with a tetherball.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You have to just let nature take its course, just like this webcam I've been watching. It's a live stream of wild otters.
Gloria: I forget, is it the small hairy men or the tall not hairy men?
Cameron: Small hairy, but these are actual otters.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: That was weird.
Dylan: You know what's weird? Thinking your dad's on the moon, then seeing him working at the mall.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Well, at least you finally realized this is not some silly rivalry. Now let me get at his cigars so I can drag my deal across it.
Mitchell: Okay, I have to say, the scotch is starting to wear off and I'm having second thoughts about this plan, Dad.
Jay: What's there to think about? You take a picture of me dragging my deal across the cigars, we give him enough time to smoke them, and we send the photo to Earl.
Mitchell: First of all, Earl will then have a picture of you with your pants down, and I'll have that same picture in my brain for the rest of my life.
Jay: Suddenly you're squeamish about seeing another man's deal? The man made a fool of you, Mitchell!
Mitchell: You're right. I'm overthinking it. Whip it out.
Earl Chambers: Keep your deal in your pants, Pritchett!
Mitchell: Okay, does everybody call it a deal? How have I never heard of this?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] As bad as I wanted Dylan out, I wasn't gonna flinch. Phil needed to do it. He needed to be as tough as that eagle on the Internet. Dumb otter never saw it coming.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Um, I got an offer to handle a case, but I'm a little worried about who it's for.
Jay: What's the matter now? Killing whales? Drilling for oil? Child labor? 'Cause let me tell you something. I had a paper route when I was 7 years old, and you know what it gave me? A work ethic and a right arm like Popeye.
Mitchell: No, dad, it- I'd be working for Closets, Closets, Closets-
Jay: Next word better not be closets.
Mitchell: Of course it's closets!
Jay: Now I'm confused. Are you talking about "Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets", or "Of Course It's Closets"? 'Cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter, and poor guy has a son who's not quite right.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: It is great, it's just there's, um slight complication. It's for Closets, Closets-
Cameron: I don't like where this is going.
Mitchell: Closets-
Cameron: Don't say it.
Mitchell: Closets.
Cameron: [gasps]
Mitchell: What did you think the last word might be?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, I know that there's some history there, but can't we all just move on?
Cameron: Your father hasn't. He still crank calls Earl every year on the anniversary of the day that is now known as Black Wednesday Afternoon.
Mitchell: I really need this job.
Cameron: At least tell your dad first and spare him the pain I felt when I found out you were still getting your hair cut at Miguel's.
Mitchell: Wait, what did Miguel do to you again?
Cameron: He recommended a shampoo for thinning hair, Mitchell.

Quote from Phil

Dylan: Hey, Mr. Dunphy, can we have just a moment of your time?
Phil: Come on, now. How long have we known each other? We should be on a first-name basis. Better yet, a nickname basis, Vitamin D.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Hey, hon. Do you have a minute?
Claire: Just. I can't be late to work. We are unveiling a new closet today: the Trulhatten. It's Swedish, it's cheap, it's modern. We're gonna grab Ikea by the meatballs.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Haley and Dylan in her bedroom?
Phil: They're doing what they're doing. I say we be evolved about it.
Claire: Fine. If you're really okay with our precious daughter shacking up with her ne'er-do-well boyfriend, so be it.
Phil: I just don't want them sneaking around like we had to. The scariest moment of my life was that pantsless conversation I had with your dad through the Dutch door.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know why he's doing this?!
Mitchell: Because I'm a good lawyer who handled a similar case for you last year.
Jay: He's doing this to mess with me! I was referred by another lawyer. I doubt Earl even knows about it. That Rolodex was full of A-list clients. Your Erik Estradas, your Fran Tarkentons, your Leslie Uggums.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, are these real names?

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: How could you? I trusted you. I defended you to my father, and you made me look like a fool! And all for what? Closets.
Jay: You mean the place that people start each day, choosing an outfit that gives them the confidence to achieve their dreams?
Earl Chambers: Or that magical space that turns a bonus room into a bedroom and a house into a home?
Jay: Well, thanks to cheap materials, your closets turn a house into a fire trap!
Earl Chambers: We pleaded no contest. That is not an admission of guilt.
Jay: I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.

Quote from Luke

Brie: And they say by the end of the semester, we'll know how to sequence a genome.
Luke: I don't know about genomes, but on my father's side of the family, we do have a garden gnome. He uses a mushroom as an umbrella.


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