Luke: Will you hurry up?
Manny: I'm saving my strength because if we don't find this helicopter, I'm walking to Canada.
Luke: [scoffs] Hope you like taxes.

Jay: [aside to camera] Terrible tragedy.
Gloria: They're our closest friends.
Jay: We know them. Uh, Manny and their son Reuben are tight. In fact, I put in one of their closets. Not that it matters, but it was the only structure to survive the fire.
Gloria: Por favor, don't even say that word! In my country it is considered very, very bad luck when your house burns down.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] They lived a block away from us. Smoke was everywhere.
Cameron: I was so upset, I couldn't sleep for days. Of course, Mitchell won't let me take anything.
Mitchell: Well, Cam, we both know why. Some people have been known to sleepwalk or even sleep drive on that medication. Cam's reaction is much worse.
Cameron: I sleep clown.

Jay: Leave me alone. I'm fine. I've gotta pick up that truck. [groans]
Cameron: I'd be happy to get the truck.
Jay: I don't think so. It's a pretty big truck.
Cameron: Oh. Is it- Is it bigger than the combine I've been driving since I was 12 years old? Or the Windrow tractor with the MacDon header that I drove to and parallel parked at my high school prom? Hmm?
Mitchell: At least something got plowed that night.
Cameron: Heard that!

Jay: [aside to camera] The pain must have been pretty bad if I was asking Phil for help. His need for my approval is exhausting. In ten years, I've asked him for one thing: to hook up my wireless printer. He still won't shut up about it. Just once, I wish he wouldn't make such a big deal about everything.

Phil: There you are. I really need to talk to you.
Jay: You really don't.
Phil: Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.
Jay: Oh. Good for you!
Phil: I'm not so sure. I mean, there's- There's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of them's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

Phil: Hey, look, I know you were reluctant to get that massage, but I think we can both agree it had a happy ending.
Jay: Please don't say that.

Alex: Problem here, boys?
Luke: These geeks won't give us back our helicopter that we took from Reuben.
Alex: Is that right, Abraham?
Boy: Oh, my God. She knows your name.
Alex: Helicopter, please.
Abraham: I love you.
Haley: What just happened?
Alex: You have your fans, I have mine. Some day, your fans are going to work for my fans.

Claire: [aside to camera] Three weeks ago, our neighbours the Rands lost their house and everything they owned in a fire. Fortunately, nobody was hurt.
Phil: And fortunately, they're friends with Wonder Woman over here.
Claire: I'm hardly Wonder Woman.
Phil: She mobilized the community to donate clothes, furniture, appliances, all to help them start over in their new rental.
Claire: Which you found them.
Phil: I'm no Wonder Woman. Rand-aid was her idea.
Claire: It wasn't my idea to call it "Rand-aid."
Phil: Okay, fine. I'm Wonder Woman.

Jay: Oh, son of bitch!
Phil: Your low back is in spasm, Jay. I can massage that out for you.
Jay: I'm fine.
Claire: Dad, you don't know what you're missing. Phil is a magician.
Phil: And a licensed masseur. Before I heard the siren song of residential real estate, I was bitten by the rub bug.