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‘After the Fire’ Quotes

Modern Family: After the Fire

308. After the Fire

Aired November 16, 2011

After a neighbor's house burns down, Claire gets her relatives involved in a community drive to help the affected family. While they try to do some good, Jay throws his back out, Cameron drives into a sticky situation, and Luke and Manny play with a toy destined for someone else.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Will you hurry up?
Manny: I'm saving my strength because if we don't find this helicopter, I'm walking to Canada.
Luke: [scoffs] Hope you like taxes.

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Quote from Gloria

Jay: [aside to camera] Terrible tragedy.
Gloria: They're our closest friends.
Jay: We know them. Uh, Manny and their son Reuben are tight. In fact, I put in one of their closets. Not that it matters, but it was the only structure to survive the fire.
Gloria: Por favor, don't even say that word! In my country it is considered very, very bad luck when your house burns down.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] They lived a block away from us. Smoke was everywhere.
Cameron: I was so upset, I couldn't sleep for days. Of course, Mitchell won't let me take anything.
Mitchell: Well, Cam, we both know why. Some people have been known to sleepwalk or even sleep drive on that medication. Cam's reaction is much worse.
Cameron: I sleep clown.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: Leave me alone. I'm fine. I've gotta pick up that truck. [groans]
Cameron: I'd be happy to get the truck.
Jay: I don't think so. It's a pretty big truck.
Cameron: Oh. Is it- Is it bigger than the combine I've been driving since I was 12 years old? Or the Windrow tractor with the MacDon header that I drove to and parallel parked at my high school prom? Hmm?
Mitchell: At least something got plowed that night.
Cameron: Heard that!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] The pain must have been pretty bad if I was asking Phil for help. His need for my approval is exhausting. In ten years, I've asked him for one thing: to hook up my wireless printer. He still won't shut up about it. Just once, I wish he wouldn't make such a big deal about everything.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Problem here, boys?
Luke: These geeks won't give us back our helicopter that we took from Reuben.
Alex: Is that right, Abraham?
Boy: Oh, my God. She knows your name.
Alex: Helicopter, please.
Abraham: I love you.
Haley: What just happened?
Alex: You have your fans, I have mine. Some day, your fans are going to work for my fans.

Quote from Phil

Phil: There you are. I really need to talk to you.
Jay: You really don't.
Phil: Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.
Jay: Oh. Good for you!
Phil: I'm not so sure. I mean, there's- There's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of them's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, look, I know you were reluctant to get that massage, but I think we can both agree it had a happy ending.
Jay: Please don't say that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Three weeks ago, our neighbours the Rands lost their house and everything they owned in a fire. Fortunately, nobody was hurt.
Phil: And fortunately, they're friends with Wonder Woman over here.
Claire: I'm hardly Wonder Woman.
Phil: She mobilized the community to donate clothes, furniture, appliances, all to help them start over in their new rental.
Claire: Which you found them.
Phil: I'm no Wonder Woman. Rand-aid was her idea.
Claire: It wasn't my idea to call it "Rand-aid."
Phil: Okay, fine. I'm Wonder Woman.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Oh, son of bitch!
Phil: Your low back is in spasm, Jay. I can massage that out for you.
Jay: I'm fine.
Claire: Dad, you don't know what you're missing. Phil is a magician.
Phil: And a licensed masseur. Before I heard the siren song of residential real estate, I was bitten by the rub bug.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: He's amazing. I had this knot in my leg, two minutes with Phil and it was gone.
Jay: I'm sorry, but I think you might have a higher tolerance for a man's hands on your body than I do.
Mitchell: Charming.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, don't be an idiot. Let Phil help you.
Jay: Fine.
Phil: Great! I'll just go get the room ready. I'll think you'll be surprised with what these hands can do.
Cameron: Really? Can they drive a bobcat skid-steer with a bucket grapple through a school hallway on a dare? Because these can and have.

Quote from Cameron

Haley: Hey, Alex, maybe Uncle Cam will let you borrow his hat later. You know, since you dress like a dude.
Alex: I like the way I dress.
Haley: Uncle Cam, as her future prom date, will you please talk to her? You know fashion.
Cameron: First of all, you're each beautiful in your own way, but you're both playing for second, because I'm too sexy for this truck.
Alex: I have to say, you do drive it surprisingly well.
Haley: Yeah, who would have thought?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Surprising? What, that- That a gay man can drive a truck? You know, I expect that kind of thinking from Jay's generation. But from our future generation? No.

Quote from Jay

Phil: You know, the native Americans believe that burning sage kept bad energy away.
Jay: How'd that work out for 'em? Get to the back.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Oh, well.
Manny: What do you mean "Oh, well"? My mom's gonna kill us.
Luke: Us? You were flying it. I was in the attic packing boxes.
Manny: You're gonna help me find it, or the next search will be for you.
Luke: I like this guy. Where's he been?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] The two guys who left the firm asked me to quit my job and partner with them at the new agency. Big opportunity, big risk, and they need an answer by the end of the day. I don't always make great decisions under pressure.
[flashback:]
Claire: What the hell is that?
Phil: An alpaca. I got the last one.

Quote from Haley

Cameron: All right! All right! Everybody relax! We're fine! We're fine!
Haley: We are not fine!
Alex: And we're all smooshed!
Haley: And we're scared!
Alex: And we're tilted at a 30-degree angle!
Haley: Nerd! And we're dirty and tired and late!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Why couldn't we have just asked for help?
Cameron: 'Cause I'm teaching you girls a very valuable lesson: that gay men can do anything straight men can do.
Haley: Yeah, we know that. Do you think you're the only gay guy that we know?
Alex: Yeah. My soccer coach is gay.
Haley: Our pediatrician.
Alex: My Latin tutor.
Haley: Nerd! Our electrician.
Cameron: Well, then why were you so surprised when I said I could drive a truck?
Haley: Not because you're gay, because you're you.
Alex: And by the way, you can't.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Boy, do you have the right idea. Could use a little break from the mother and child reunion going on down there. Don't ask. Mitchell's turning Gloria into mom. Bam! It's out. Hmm. You remember the way mom and Mitchell used to be in their private little club, just the two of them, and no one else allowed in. Well, [chuckles] it's happening again, but this time around, it's happening with your wife. You should see them down there. It would actually be adorable if it weren't so sick. I just- You know, I feel like Mitchell is a grown man, he has a child, and he's still working out some psychodrama from 20 years ago. Daddy, can I have a sip of your beer, please? Thanks. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mitchell cozies up to mom, I go running to daddy. I'm the one who's turning Gloria into mom, which is really disturbing since we're the same age.
Jay: You're older.
Claire: Oh. Oh, that's where we're gonna chime in?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, can you two try hugging a box so that your poor mother doesn't have to do all the hard work?
Claire: I am sorry, Gloria, about all the mom stuff today. I just- I got this crazy idea that you liked Mitchell better than me.
Mitchell: I do like Mitchell better than you.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Ay, please. Are you going to honestly tell me that I'm your favorite person in this family? I'm not even your favorite Colombian in this family. I would love to get closer to you. You have my number. But call me quickly because I book up.

Quote from Claire

Jay: If I could only save one possession in a fire, probably my first set of golf clubs. My old man gave 'em to me.
Gloria: The engagement ring that Jay gave me that changed my life.
Mitchell: Lily's adoption papers.
Cameron: I was gonna say adoption papers. So I guess, then, I would say my mom's recipe book.
Phil: All our family photos. Which I keep on my iPad, so my iPad.
Claire: As long as I have my family, I wouldn't need anything else. [all groan] What?
Phil: You say something like that, it makes us all seem petty.
Luke: Yeah.
Claire: I know. I know. [all boo]


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