Daily Quotes - April 27
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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode Ben Franklin
Dwight K. Schrute: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate? Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon, but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph II.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Friedrich Wilhelm III.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why, the tyrant, King George, of course! -
Quote from Ross in Friends episode The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends
Phoebe: Look, Robert's gonna be here any second, so could one of you just tell him? Please, right now. No, every time I see him, it's like "Is it on the loose? ls it watching me?"
Chandler: We can't tell him. You can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his "stuff."
Ross: He's right. Even if it's to say something complimentary. -
Quote from Gloria in Modern Family episode A Sketchy Area
Alex: Okay, I've been feeling some pressure about what to do after I graduate this year, and my parents are constantly asking me about it.
Gloria: I thought that you were going to work.
Alex: So did I, but lately, I've been questioning everything. I even thought about becoming a fellow.
Gloria: [gasps] Ay, Alex, that's a big change. But at least you get to keep the same name.
Alex: I'm not even sure it's what I really want.
Gloria: Okay, you have to be very sure, because I heard it's even harder to reverse it. -
Quote from Winston in New Girl episode Coming Out
Winston: And I am never taking this crystal off. Well, I mean, except if I'm making a tomato sauce and the crystal keeps dipping in the tomato sauce. Then I'll take it off, and that's just being practical. I don't know too much about crystal care, but, oh, I intend to find out.
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Quote from George in Seinfeld episode The Parking Space
Elaine: Oh, George, there's a space right there!
George: Oh, beautiful! Look at that. The dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true. What did I tell you?
Elaine: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner. [both laugh]
George: All right, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
Elaine: Will you just park it already?
George: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. -
Quote from Rose in The Golden Girls episode The Heart Attack
Sophia: You're Scandinavian. What do you know, a thousand ways to make herring?
Rose: Well, not a thousand, but a lot, and I'm famous for my Lindstrom surprise.
Blanche: What in the world is that?
Sophia: Herring pie. The surprise is, you think it's pie, like apple, but when you bite into it, it's herring!
Dorothy: Oh, what fun!
Rose: It was. My cat was named Lindstrom. I used to make it for him on his birthday and other holidays.
Blanche: Wait, your last name was Lindstrom. You named your cat Lindstrom Lindstrom?
Rose: Yes, it was less confusing for him. -
Quote from Richard in Gilmore Girls episode P.S. I Lo...
Emily: So, what's going on at school today?
Rory: Oh, I have a test in Spanish.
Richard: Are you prepared?
Rory: Oh, yeah. I like Spanish. Biology, on the other hand...
Richard: Mmm. I'm still waiting for the day when my knowledge of the inner workings of a frog's intestinal system can be applied to my work in the insurance industry.
Rory: Perhaps if you were insuring the frog.
Richard: Ah. -
Quote from Cliff in Cheers episode Tale of Two Cuties
Rebecca: Can you believe it? Her first day on the job and Evan's little tart is late. That's because she knows I can't do anything about it because her lover boy is the big boss. Isn't she just the queen of gall?
Cliff: Oh, no, that was Charlemagne's wife, I think. Well, you know, if memory serves, I think her name was Cathy. -
Quote from Ray in Everybody Loves Raymond episode The Christmas Picture
Lois: Raymond, I just noticed that this background is blue. Do I have time to change into my gray pashmina?
Ray: [shouts] Get back in your place! We're taking this damn picture! Would you see what I'm dealing with here? Are you blind?
Warren: Uh, Raymond-
Ray: Baaah! No habla talkie talkie, okay? I've had it with trying to make everybody happy! I was trying to do something nice! I'm sick of everybody coming up to me, "Oh, talk to Debra." "Talk to your mother." "Why can't my girlfriend be in the picture?" "Oh, I don't want to spend Christmas with them." "Fix it, Raymond, talk." I'm done talking! Don't talk to me anymore, you hear me? If you wanna talk, talk to yourselves 'cause I'm out!
Lois: Maybe I'll just wear the blue. -
Quote from Martin in Frasier episode Bla-Z-Boy
Frasier: But clearly I was wrong. I mean, why on earth would I do such a thing?
Martin: Because you've always been gunning for that chair. I accidentally stain your carpet, and you set fire to the one thing in this apartment I care about and heave it out into the street! -
Quote from Pops in The Goldbergs episode Barry Goldberg's Day Off
Barry: Admit you're the Cameron.
Adam: My leopard vest and boyish charm say otherwise.
Barry: That's my look. I'm Ferris.
Pops: Enough. I'll be the Camden, then the two of you can be the Fergus. -
Quote from Lily in How I Met Your Mother episode Slap Bet
Ted: What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. Do I ask her to get a divorce?
Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously. -
Quote from Ray in Schitt's Creek episode The Motel Guest
Ray: Oh, okay, okay. I think I know what all the hesitation is about. Yes, someone did take their own life in this space, but the good news is, we've replaced the ceiling fan, it's now a break-away model. And to answer your question, yes, there is parking. Uh, oh, and they also allow cats.
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Quote from Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle episode Dewey's Dog
Malcolm, Reese & Craig: [sing] We're stinky and evil, we're dumb and sarcastic While Dewey, in contrast, is super fantastic That's why Dewey is king
Craig: Why Dewey is king
Dewey: Hey, it's haircut time! Think of your favorite stooge and I'll be right back. Marshmallow, if anyone moves, eat them. [exits]
Reese: This is insane. We've got to do something.
Craig: I'm Mo. -
Quote from James in Derry Girls episode Episode Four
Erin: James. Listen, I have something to tell you, and... Ooh, Dib-Dab. OK. I'm just gonna say it. I think Katya is planning on having sex with you, tonight.
James: I know.
Erin: You know?
James: I'm meeting her upstairs in a bit. She told me to have some food first. Apparently, sex uses up a lot of energy.
Erin: You do not want to do this, James!
James: Yes, I do.
Erin: You're not ready for it!
James: I am.
Erin: She doesn't love you, James. She's just using you.
James: Yeah, but, the thing is, I don't care. -
Quote from Fez in That '70s Show episode Streaking
Hyde: Oh, and I could write some really great slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off? -
Quote from J.D. in Scrubs episode My Big Bird
Turk: Dude, are you really gonna sit here all day just to thank your garbage man?
J.D.: Yes, Jabbarie has been added to the hug schedule. Want to wait with me?
Turk: I can't. I was supposed to be on-call five minutes ago.
J.D.: [v.o.] This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end...
[present, at the morbidity & mortality conference:]
J.D.: Whether you're a doctor or a garbage man...
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, what are you doing?
J.D.: Sorry, sir. Sometimes I like to just sum things up. -
Quote from Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation episode Telethon
Leslie Knope: We'd like to make a quick announcement. Detlef Schrempf is temporary, um, delayed. But, uh, coming soon, a really amazing thing Is going to happen. So get your wallets out or get your handkerchiefs out. Or get your tissues out if you're like me and think handkerchiefs are gross. For now, please, let's take a look at this moving video entitled One Butt, Two Seats: The Widening of America.
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Quote from Axl in The Middle episode The Christmas Tree
Axl: So, it's like this kid's born, and he starts to grow up, and he wants to be just like his dad.
Brick: And they have a cat?
Axl: I'm not exactly sure where the cat comes in or the cradle, but, basically this kid just wants to hang out with his dad all the time, but his dad's too busy with work. And then at the end of the song, the dad's like really old. All he wants to do is spend time with his kid, but now the kid's busy with his own family, and, uh... he just can't find the time.
Brick: What happens? Does he get to spend time with his son?
Axl: The song doesn't say, but... [inhales deeply] the kid's pretty busy, so... [voice breaking] I'm assuming the dad eventually dies. [sniffles] [rubs eyes] Pine needles.
Brick: I'm calling Dad at work. -
Quote from Greg in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates the Last Day
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mission with Caruso was simple, find out things without getting found out.
Greg: What happened? Did he spot us?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, but only because he didn't see us behind that mustache.
Chris: How are you going to follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?
Greg: Works for Magnum, P.I.
Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai... -
Quote from Geoffrey in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Philip: Vivian, I'm sorry. It's just that it's been so peaceful here since Will's been in Philly. And, boarding school's not so bad, is it, Geoffrey? Geoffrey went to boarding school. Tell her, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Madam, I went to boarding school. ... And then I went to therapy.
Philip: Who asked you? Get my lunch.
Geoffrey: Right away, sir. The man has a tapeworm. -
Quote from Lieutenant Disher in Monk episode Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that? "It looks like her number came up."
Lieutenant Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl. Her number came up. Get it? You remember last year Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamp post, and he said, "I'll keep you posted."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah. I heard about that.
Lieutenant Disher: Everybody heard about it. I mean, people were repeating it. It was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If you say so.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I just need to find the right moment. -
Quote from Lucille in Arrested Development episode Charity Drive
Lucille: I don't have time for this. I've got to get ready for the bachelorette auction.
Michael: You're doing that? You can't possibly tell me that you care about the wetlands.
Lucille: I care about going for more money than Lucille Austero.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille Bluth had made sure of that.
[flashback:]
Lucille Austero: [answers door] Lucille!
Lucille: I got you tickets to The Producers. I already saw it in New York. But that's of no use to a woman whose vertigo makes flying a grotesque misadventure.
Lucille Austero: You must have scrimped and saved for these. But isn't this the night of the auction?
Lucille: Is it? -
Quote from Heidi in Home Improvement episode Dead Weight
Tim: Thanks for filling in for Al, Heidi.
Heidi: Oh, sure. Anything to help. But, you know, I'm a little nervous. You and Al work so well off each other.
Tim: Oh, come on. You're gonna do just fine. Hey, tell you what. Do you have any quirks or physical abnormalities I can make fun of?
Heidi: Uh... Yeah. I twitch when I get nervous.
Tim: Your eye or something?
Heidi: Not exactly. [Heidi's breasts twitch]
Tim: I don't know if I can work with that. -
Quote from Nina in 3rd Rock from the Sun episode Romeo & Juliet & Dick
Dick: Nina, Nina, read me in.
Nina: Curtain rises. A big pompous blowhard flounces onto the stage.
