Daily Quotes - January 24
Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her all alone.
Rachel: Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.
Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel: Well, then he gets a divorce. It's Ross.
Jerry: I bought the Ginsu knife. I did buy the Ginsu knife. I know, you can't believe it, but I did, I swear. I saw it. And it was late at night, and I was watching the thing, and it started making sense to me. I'm thinking, "Yeah, cut through the shoe. Cut through the can. Yeah, I like that." So I called up the number of the screen, you know, and I said, "I'd like to order the Ginsu knife." And the lady went, "Really?" I mean, even the Ginsu people have given up. It's really so sad. I mean, to be honest, if you need a knife that can cut through a shoe, perhaps you're not buying the highest grade of meat currently available. You know, maybe you ought to think about not getting the "hoof cut" once in a while.
Blanche: What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends? You told me you were a virgin till you got married.
Rose: Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way.
Blanche: You cannot! If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy: She is the slut. She's the Grand Pooh-Bah of Slutdom. She's the easiest woman in this room.
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.
Dorothy: The slut is dead. Long live the slut.
Johnny: I wonder who got my golf clubs.
Moira: Really, John, that's the first thing that comes to mind?
Johnny: They were custom made.
Moira: So was my Galapagonian tortoise-shell foot bath. And now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it.
Gloria: I think this spiritual journey of yours is a wonderful thing. I think it's gonna make you feel closer to your mother.
Phil: I hope so. I miss her. It's the biggest reason I came here to connect. Is that weird?
Gloria: Not at all. I talk to my late grandmother all the time. She would have loved this place. I wonder if she's here with me now. No, she doesn't like to fly.
Ted: Now, as you know, I'm a bit of a legend when it comes to packing.
Marshall & Lily: We know.
Ted: Tales are still told of the time I traveled all through Spain for two weeks with everything I needed efficiently packed into a hands-free belt satchel. The locals called me...
[title: "El Ganso con la Riñonera"]
Lily: Yeah, it's not a "hands-free belt satchel," Ted. It's a fanny pack.
Ted: It's not a fanny pack.
Marshall: In Spanish, El Ganso con la Riñonera means "Fanny Pack Dork."
Ted: No, it doesn't. It means "Packer of Great Skill and Merit."
Future Ted: [v.o.] I looked it up. It means "Fanny Pack Dork."
Ray: All right, listen, when I go there, I should be thinking about God, right? Instead, I'm thinking about some column I'm working on, "What's up with this guy's scalp?" "Oh, that lady sneezed, I'm not shaking her hand." I'm not focused. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and that's not respectful, right?
Debra: Yeah, you're right. I mean, you shouldn't go if you're just going through the motions.
Ray: What are you doing?
Debra: What? I'm agreeing with you.
Ray: No, you're trying to make me feel guilty.
Debra: No, I'm not.
Ray: You're just like my mother.
Debra: Why do you have to insult me?
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I both did some amazing things today. He scored a victory for the congressional campaign he's working on. And I was mistaken for Beverly D'Angelo by a Japanese tourist. So, pretty big day for both of us.
Frasier: I hope you're right about the alarm code, Niles. People do change them.
Niles: Maris will never change this one. It's her ideal weight. What she weighed at her debutante ball. Let's see, this many pounds, and that many ounces.
Frasier: Good lord, no one could weigh that and live.
Will: What am I supposed to do about my rep?
Chill: Yo, you got to stand up to Omar Boulware, man.
Carlton: Who's Omar Boulware?
Chill: Some guy Will wouldn't fight.
Will: The dude that be spinning me over his head in the opening credits.
Police Officer: Was there money in the tires?
Police Officer: A baby?
Chris: A baby in the tires?
Police Officer: You'd be surprised. Was this baby Black or White?
Chris: There was no baby in the tires.
Police Officer: Well, tell me, sir, exactly what was in the tires?
Police Officer: White air?
Chris: White air?!
Police Officer: You'd be surprised. All right, fill this out, and we'll see what we can do.
Chris: Well, should I move it so I don't get a ticket?
Police Officer: Don't bother. [slaps a ticket on the windshield] Too late.
Mr. Glascott: No, your son would do miserably in Hollywood, and that's a fact.
Beverly: My son is a star, and you're gonna die alone!
Mr. Glascott: While I do feel that way, I'm just stating the hard truth. It's more likely that your puny son will become a power forward for the Sixers than a big Hollywood muckety-muck.
Adam: Oh, no, Mama. I don't want to play whatever sport he's talking about.
Carla: We lost another waitress because she said she found out she wasn't the only girl in your life.
Sam: Oh, nonsense, Carla. She's been listening to vicious rumors.
Carla: Sammy, this means that I have to work alone again. And we can't keep a waitress in here because you keep breaking their hearts.
Sam: Well, obviously I need a good talking to.
Carla: [screams] Sammy, this is serious! [Sam kisses Carla on the forehead] We have gone through eight waitresses in six months.
Sam: Bet you I can remember all their names. Dee Dee, Carlene, Angela, Sneezy, Dopey, Donner and Blitzen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, make me happy.
Lieutenant Disher: We found it wedged under the passenger seat, uh, in his hat. Third name from...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I see it, I see it.
Lieutenant Disher: She was a parttime volunteer. She quit two months ago. That's why her name didn't come up. So Monk was right. There is a connection.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How does he do it? I mean, I have two eyes. I see everything that he sees, but I don't see what he sees.