Daily Quotes - December 4
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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode Stress Relief
Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.
Today, smoking is gonna save lives. -
Quote from Phoebe in Friends episode The One with the Proposal (Part 2)
Rachel: Phoebe, you picked Joey and Ross? You can not have two backups.
Phoebe: Of course I can. It's just good sense to back up your backup. Look, I've already lost Chandler.
Rachel: What? -
Quote from Jay in Modern Family episode Express Yourself
Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said corned beef. There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete! -
Quote from Schmidt in New Girl episode Walk of Shame
Schmidt: You ladies need to be very careful. Blow-out can give a woman too much confidence. Make them take on things that they can't handle. Hillary Clinton.
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Quote from Susan Ross in Seinfeld episode The Secret Code
Susan Ross: Hi. Here's your cash, George.
George: Hm. Thanks.
Susan Ross: And here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco? -
Quote from Blanche in The Golden Girls episode There Goes the Bride: Part 2
Blanche: Oh, you just look so beautiful. You know, this reminds me of the day I married George. Oh, it was an exquisite wedding. 500 people in that big, old church and I didn't have any underwear on.
Dorothy: Why?
Blanche: I just felt it was the right thing to do. -
Quote from Paris in Gilmore Girls episode The Perfect Dress
Rory: But, you know, you might want to ease up just a tad.
Paris: What do you mean?
Rory: You know, the "five minutes for the cookies," the "no talking" signs posted everywhere, the "no decorating your desk" rule, the new demerit system, the locks on the bathroom doors. It's just all a little, um, harsh and restrictive. This is a newsroom. People should be able to talk, yell, joke around-
Paris: I don't agree.
Rory: Go to the bathroom.
Paris: Journalism is an art form, and the best art is created under repression, like Stalin's gulag. You think Solzhenitsyn could have written One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich on a yoga retreat? -
Quote from Cliff in Cheers episode Crash of the Titans
Cliff: You know, uh, I don't think that a ground surface irregularity of this nature is so strange. I mean, after all, the entire East Coast is sinking. We all know that. I mean, due to global warming, the polar ice caps are melting and, hey, we're gonna be all underwater anyway. Yeah, that's why l, uh, like to keep a couple of cans of tuna and an inflatable raft in the trunk of my car. Wait a second, I ate the tuna a couple of nights ago. I'd better go out and get some more. Boy, if that flood comes tonight, I'm really going to kick myself.
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Quote from Robert in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Anniversary
Robert: So what do you think?
Ray: A party? I don't know.
Robert: Maybe we should, uh, get some chips.
Ray: What, you mean like potato chips?
Robert: Yeah.
Ray: I like barbecue.
Robert: Nice. How about sour cream and onion? No, wait a minute. ls that too much?
Ray: Well, it is their 40th.
Robert: Yeah, that's true. How about some dip?
Ray: You know what? We don't need dip.
Robert: Yeah, 'cause the chips are already flavored.
Ray: Right. -
Quote from Martin in Frasier episode Hot Pursuit
Niles: Dad, I don't think this is a good idea. Where exactly is this stakeout?
Donny: It's at the Alcazar apartments. You know, in Belltown.
Niles: Belltown is sort of a sketchy neighborhood, wouldn't you say?
Martin: Oh, Niles, to you a sketchy neighborhood is when the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking. -
Quote from Barry in The Goldbergs episode Jimmy 5 is Alive
Beverly: Barry, wait.
Barry: Mom, I'm going to school because I have to actually learn stuff now, because I'm not getting drafted by the Sixers next month. -
Quote from Robin in How I Met Your Mother episode Slapsgiving
Lily: Well, guys have fun.
Ted: This is gonna be major clean-up.
All: [salute] Major clean-up.
Marshall: Oh man, we're gonna be doing this all the time, now aren't we?
Robin: Well, that's the general idea.
All: [salute] General idea. -
Quote from David in Schitt's Creek episode Singles Week
Patrick: How'd it go with Ted?
David: [kisses Patrick] I love you. [holding back tears]
Patrick: I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah.
David: Mm.
Patrick: It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about. Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea.
David: Oh, fuck.
Patrick: I'm kidding. I don't need the tea.
David: No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect. -
Quote from Hal in Malcolm in the Middle episode Bomb Shelter
Hal: Well, hello. Mr. President. Well, looks like we're in this Cold War together. So, Jack, what are you drinking?
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Quote from Erin in Derry Girls episode Episode Five
Erin: Do you remember the whole "us being in grave danger" thing Sarah mentioned? Well, I think... I think this might be it!
Michelle: I thought you said fortune telling was medieval.
Erin: Yeah, well, something has made me reassess all that. What was it again? Oh, aye... The fact that there's an actual Provo in the boot of our car! -
Quote from Red in That '70s Show episode Reefer Madness
Red: Um, Steven, wait. You can stay.
Hyde: Cool.
Kitty: Wait, wait, wait. Wait. That's it? Isn't there anything else you would like to say to this brave and noble young man?
Red: [sighs] You're right, Kitty. Dumbass! Do you realize that you put your entire future at risk? Now, I myself... [time lapse] What kind of a moron would go and take the fall for some little... Crying and crying and crying. And when she's upset, I'm upset. ... And the next thing you know, I had to have tea with that greasy old hippie. And now I have hippie stink on my couch. ... Let me tell you something else. If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard your nose will bleed!
Kitty: And we love you. -
Quote from J.D. in Scrubs episode My Quarantine
Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone? -
Quote from Tom in Parks and Recreation episode Ann's Decision
Ben: Okay, so I liked number one, Chris liked number two, and Ron liked number three. Tom, what about you?
Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret.
Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
Tom: But number three's told a story. A story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.
Ben: [sighs] That's nonsense. -
Quote from Axl in The Middle episode Halloween V
Axl: It's not my fault. Professor Hanawalt is so lame. Our paper's due Halloween night. Who does that?
Mike: Well, how long you known about this?
Axl: He sprung it on us like a month ago.
Mike: Axl, it's not gonna get done if you're sitting here. You know what you do? You drive to campus, go to the library, look at the card catalog, you check out a book on the subject...
Frankie: I think what your grandpa here is saying is that you need to go to a place where there's not a lot of distractions, and the library is not a bad place to do that.
Axl: Ugh! I don't like the library. It's quiet, it's boring, and I don't know where it is. -
Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates Fat Mike
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As much as my mother complains about housework, she hated to have somebody else do it. And after my father got his job back, she got to do one of the things she does best...
[cut to Rochelle in the office:]
Rochelle: File your own damn papers. I do not need this. My husband has two jobs. -
Quote from Hilary in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Hilary Gets a Job
Hilary: Here in Southern California, we're experiencing a warm front with increasing humidity. That's right, girls, it's a frizzy-hair day. Looking at the nation, oh... Looking at the nation, there's a cold front blowing in from the Atlantic with a high probability of rain in the Midwest. The South, however, will enjoy pleasant and sunny weather. So, if you're planning on going to the beaches, remember you can help keep America beautiful with two simple words... Jenny Craig. Now, let's go look at our big board for the local weather for the week.
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Quote from Adrian Monk in Monk episode Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect
Lieutenant Disher: Captain. A.T.F., 3:00.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, gimme somethin' else. Anything. Any theory besides the coma guy. If you were to tell me that Howdy Doody was behind this, it would make more sense.
Adrian Monk: [shouts] Howdy Doody? Why would Howdy Doody be sending people mail bombs? Wasn't he a puppet?
Sharona: He was just using that as an example.
Adrian Monk: Or maybe he was just using that as an example! -
Quote from Tobias in Arrested Development episode Out on a Limb
Lindsay: You know what? Tobias and I will break into her house and get the specimen. We've been looking for a little excitement.
Tobias: Yeah! It'll be fun. We will be like Tracy and Hepburn. [as Katharine Hepburn] "What do you say, you old poop?"
Lindsay: Oh, God, he's Hepburn. -
Quote from Wilson in Home Improvement episode Games, Flames and Automobiles
Jill: Oh, come on! We've been at this for 11 hours. I need a break.
Tim: What you need is some hot coffee. Look how fast Wilson's working.
Wilson: [speaks rapidly] You know, I never was much of a coffee drinker. In fact, this if the first time I've ever had one full cup, let alone eight cups. It was really quite invigorating. It reminds me of the Buddhist monks after Zen meditation.
Tim: No more coffee for Wilson.
Wilson: I need chocolate and I need it now!
Ilene: Al's gonna be so touched when he sees his friends have fixed all his games.
Wilson: Well, Euripides said, "True friendship is shown in times of trouble: prosperity is full of friends." -
Quote from Harry in 3rd Rock from the Sun episode Fear and Loathing in Rutherford
Harry: Well, this isn't scary. We gotta be subtle.
Sally: Subtle?
Harry: Yeah! Did you ever see Jaws? Okay. The scary part was not the shark. It was the hint of the shark. The fin. Oh! Slicin' through the water.
Sally: Well, what, so you got something planned?
Harry: Yes, I do.
[Harry turns around and reveals a fin attached to his back]
Sally: Harry, that's adorable, but you know, as a warrior, I think I know how to scare.
Harry: Well, as someone who's always scared, I think you're wrong.
