Daily Quotes - June 28

  • Quote from Jim in The Office episode The Promotion

    Jim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

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  • Quote from Monica in Friends episode The One with the Joke

    Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
    Monica: No.
    Chandler: Seriously?
    Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes.

  • Quote from Jerry in Seinfeld episode The Label Maker

    Jerry: Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing. Perhaps it's an homage.
    Elaine: Yeah, perhaps.
    Jerry: Well, how did he react when you gave it to him?
    Elaine: Um, he said, "Oh, a label maker. How about that?"
    Jerry: He repeated the name of the gift?
    Elaine: Yeah, so?
    Jerry: Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.
    Elaine: What do you mean?
    Jerry: Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. Tube socks."

  • Quote from Nick in New Girl episode The Box

    Winston: Nick, it's my money, okay?! Give it back to me!
    Nick: I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the "woodword"!
    Winston: You mean "woodwork"?
    Nick: What is "woodwork"?!
    Winston: What's "woodword"?!
    Nick: Wood! Word! Wood! Word! That's where people like you come crawling out of when people like me have money!

  • Quote from Dorothy in The Golden Girls episode Take Him, He's Mine

    Dorothy: I don't understand. What could they be doing all this time?
    Sophia: You know what they're doing.
    Dorothy: Yeah, I also know Stan. We were married for 38 years. And if you added up all the times that we did what he is doing right now, Blanche still should have been home fifteen minutes ago.

  • Quote from Roland in Schitt's Creek episode Maid of Honour

    Roland: It is a man. Your sexist instincts were right as usual.

  • Quote from Luke in Modern Family episode Whanex?

    Cameron: All right. We heard from our college-going sheep. Now, Luke, you wisely took a gap year, got a job, made mad stacks, and invested a little, correct?
    Luke: Totally. I own 300 microrubels, a Russian cryptocurrency I heard about on Facebook, which currently, you can only use to buy a Chechen party drug called Frankenstein.

  • Quote from Marshall in How I Met Your Mother episode Robots Vs. Wrestlers

    Peter Bogdanovich: Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about in his 1954 article in Cahiers du cinema. Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.
    Marshall: [laughs] Movies. Right? Actors. Willem Dafoe. Funny thing about Willem Dafoe. Uh, his name kind of sounds like a frog talking to a parrot. [in deep voice] Willem. [in high-pitched voice] Dafoe! [deep] Willem. [high] Dafoe! No?

  • Quote from Orla in Derry Girls episode Episode Five

    Orla: Well, practice makes perfect, Aunt Mary. You know, that is why they are so cracker.
    Erin: I'm sorry? Did you just call the Orange Order "cracker"?
    Orla: I'm considering joining.
    Erin: I don't think they accept Catholics, Orla. Or, you know, acknowledge our right to exist.

  • Quote from Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation episode William Henry Harrison

    Roscoe: Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee, so a local celebrity is gonna make everyone feel more at ease with us. And that's why we called on you home court chillers to frack your braniums.
    Tom: Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas.
    Ron Swanson: I got it from context.
    Tom: Okay.
    [aside to camera:]
    Ron Swanson: I have no interest in consorting with celebrities. The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious 16 Penny Nail Cabinet, and Magnus, the five-by-five bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago. Took a shot at the bastard and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed. One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.

  • Quote from Niles in Frasier episode Coots and Ladders

    Daphne: Oh, Martin, look at you. Sitting in your chair all sour and grumpy.
    Ronee: You must be drunk in this picture, Niles. You've got your arm around a floor lamp.
    Niles: Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.

  • Quote from Debra in Everybody Loves Raymond episode No Fat

    Ray: What happened? Why did they back out?
    Debra: Oh, they're gonna be out of the country.
    Ray: What?! Who leaves America on Thanksgiving? That's- That's pretty unthankful.
    Debra: They like to travel and see the world, you know? Unlike your parents, who don't go any further than here.

  • Quote from John Allen Hill in Cheers episode Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist

    John: Ah, good afternoon, Miss Tortelli.
    Carla: Oh, Hill. What, are you on an ugly break?
    John: Oh, my. Someone certainly got up on the wrong side of town this morning.
    Carla: What's the matter, Hill, your scalp on too tight?
    John: Very funny.

  • Quote from Carlton in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Cold Feet, Hot Body

    Will: Carlton, the customers are complaining there ain't no bacon in the BLT's.
    Carlton: Well, where's the law that says the B has to stand for bacon? Read the damn sign.
    Will: Bread, lettuce and tomato?
    Carlton: Well, we had to cut back somewhere. Last month, our outlay exceeded our revenues. But I don't expect you to understand that.
    Denise: Ahem. Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?
    Will: Excuse me, Carlton, but a beautiful woman wants to talk to me. [mimics Carlton] But I don't expect you to understand that.

  • Quote from Julius in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates Drew

    Julius: Baby, what happened?
    Tonya: Mama burned me with the hot comb again.
    Julius: Oh, let Daddy see. Ooh! Rochelle, that looks bad.
    Rochelle: Ah, she'll live. I don't think it'll make a scar.
    Julius: Yeah, but that's 18 cents worth of butter she's holding on her forehead.

  • Quote from Dr. Kelso in Scrubs episode My Growing Pains

    Elliot: I've got a secret.
    Dr. Kelso: What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn't give a crap? [goofy voice] Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep it fresh.

  • Quote from Adrian Monk in Monk episode Mr. Monk on Wheels

    Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's me. It's Natalie. How are you feeling?
    Adrian Monk: Ah, my leg! Ah, my legs! They don't match!
    Natalie: I know. I know they don't, Mr. Monk. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
    Adrian Monk: Good.
    Natalie: I talked to the surgeon. And guess what? You have 100 stitches. An even 100. I thought that was nice of him. And, I brought you some new clothes, so you don't have to worry about that. Oh, daisies. 100 daises.
    Adrian Monk: Thank you. I can watch them die. And they can do the same for me.

  • Quote from Beverly in The Goldbergs episode Lame Gretzy

    Erica: You know, I thought a lot about what you said, and I decided that Penn is a great choice for me.
    Beverly: Oh, it's happening. We're going to Penn!
    Erica: I know! I'm so excited that I decided to get a head start on my essay for their application. Here it is.
    Beverly: "I believe that the University of Pennsylvania "is the right school for me because of its torkulent history and diligord reputation." Oh, boy.