Daily Quotes - January 28
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Quote from Stanley in The Office episode Classy Christmas
Stanley: So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?
Toby: No, they bring it in.
Stanley: You lucky son of a bitch.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... That is the life. -
Quote from Ross in Friends episode The One with the Embyros
Monica: That does not mean you know us better. I want a rematch.
Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions. Real, personal questions.
Monica: Yeah. And the winner gets $100.
Joey: Serious?
Monica: Are you scared?
Joey: No. Who makes up the questions?
Monica: Ross will do it.
Ross: Oh, sure, Ross will do it. It's not like he has a job or a child or a life of his own.
Rachel: Fine. We'll ask Phoebe.
Ross: No, I want to play. -
Quote from George in Seinfeld episode The Conversion
George: I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club.
Jerry: That's all there is to it?
George: That's all there is to it. By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry: And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence. -
Quote from Winston in New Girl episode Helmet
Tripp: 'Sup. Let's talk puss. Ready to show me your hairy little guy?
Schmidt: What?
Winston: Ugh. Oh. Yes, uh... Introducing... The mouse murderin', the heart burglarin', the king of the kennel, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop. [Furguson purring] He's lickin' his no-no.
Schmidt: America's sweetheart. -
Quote from Rose in The Golden Girls episode Whose Face Is This, Anyway?
Rose: Isn't it wonderful how you make lifelong bonds when you join a sorority?
Dorothy: Oh, I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.
Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
Dorothy: Very commendable.
Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep. -
Quote from Johnny in Schitt's Creek episode Moira vs. Town Council
Johnny: Well, word to the wise, son, don't spend all your money at once.
David: I thought you weren't getting involved.
Johnny: No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.
David: Okay, what does "word to the wise" even mean?
Johnny: Word to the wise. When you're speaking to somebody wise, you lis- You're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just... Just, uh, keep that in mind, and, um, keep up the good work. -
Quote from Mitchell in Modern Family episode CHiPs and Salsa
Mitchell: The release form for this ride-along is is shockingly thorough.
Officer Stablitzky: I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. can't bury another ride-along. 'm kind of the precinct cut up.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: Mitchell, it'll be fine. They do these things all the time.
Mitchell: Yeah, easy for you to say. My entire head is a gang color. -
Quote from Mickey in How I Met Your Mother episode Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap
[flashback to 2006 at Lily's grandparents' house:]
Lily: Dad, you should be paying rent, not living in your parents' basement.
Mickey: Hey, it's not my first choice. Having the old farts right upstairs is crimpin' my style a bit. Clearly, they're not getting the whole "sock on the doorknob" thing.
Marshall: Oh, they caught you with a girl?
Mickey: In a way. -
Quote from Michelle in Derry Girls episode Episode Two
Michelle: Where the fuck are we going to get the money for Paris now?
Orla: We could sell our organs.
Clare: We could. We could sell our organs. Or, and forgive me if this is a bit left-field, but could we not, you know, get jobs?
Michelle: There are no jobs in Derry. That's all you ever hear anybody say.
Clare: So what are these?
Michelle: I never really looked at this before. I just assumed they were all dead cat posters.
Clare: Missing cat posters.
Michelle: If you're an optimist. -
Quote from Donna in Parks and Recreation episode The Camel
Donna: So, it's the Last Supper, but with famous people from Indiana. Mmm-hmm. John Mellencamp, Larry Bird, Michael Jackson, uh, David Letterman, Vivica A. Fox. Okay, so, here's where it gets a little dicey. Because there's not that many celebrities from Indiana. So, a NASCAR. Uh, my friend, Becky. Ron Swanson.
Leslie Knope: Donna? Who's the Jesus?
Donna: That would be Greg Kinnear. -
Quote from Frasier in Frasier episode Space Quest
Frasier: Can't have my coffee. Can't have my breakfast. [looking at Martin's chair] Oh, dear God, it wasn't a dream. I'll get him for this. And his little dog too.
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Quote from Lois in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Call Me Mom
Marie: Well, pardon me for saying it, but isn't that a little hypocritical? I mean, here I am, ready to embrace this.
Lois: I know, and pardon me for saying this, but maybe in this case it really isn't up to you. I mean, well, heaven forbid you don't get your way for once. [laughs]
Marie: [faint chuckle] May I just ask, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Lois: I'm just going by what I see around here.
Marie: At least I'm always here, not like some mothers.
Lois: Well, some mothers might say that you're here a little too much. -
Quote from Lorelai in Gilmore Girls episode Written in the Stars
Rory: This is crazy.
Lorelai: Well, it depends on your definition of "crazy." I, for one, found the Mariah Carey phone messages to her fans just refreshingly imaginative. -
Quote from Robin Colcord in Cheers episode Sam Ahoy
Cliff: You know, it's too bad you can't enter that race. I hear in the paper the first prize is $10,000.
Sam: It's up to $10,000?
Cliff: Yeah.
Robin: Gentlemen, in the time it takes me to say $10,000, I make $10,000. Oh, there I go again.
Sam: Look. $10,000.
Robin: Yes, it also works if you say it. -
Quote from Geoffrey in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Winner Takes Off
Will: Okay, G, listen, listen.
Geoffrey: Philip I have $1,000 with your name on it. Do the family a favor, get Viv some cooking lessons.
Philip: You!
Geoffrey: And, Miss Ashley, how does a Mercedes sound?
Ashley: Vroom, vroom?
Geoffrey: Very clever, I'll get you two.
Hilary: Vroom, vroom, vroom.
Geoffrey: Nice try. In case you hadn't figured it out... I quit. I quit. I quit! I quit! I quit! -
Quote from Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle episode Dewey's Dog
Dewey: Ever since the day I was born, you guys have been torturing me. I remember you trying to switch me for another baby at the park. I remember you telling me the tooth fairy was a vampire. I remember every wet willy, every booger sandwich, every stink hat-
Reese: Dewey, we're sorry!
Dewey: ...every waffle butt, every Chester Backster and every purple nurple! And now you're going to pay. [Marshmallow barks]
Malcolm: Dewey, this isn't gonna work. Mom and Dad'll be home in a few hours, that dog will be gone, you'll be in trouble and we'll kick your ass for the next ten years!
Dewey: I know. So we'd better get started.
Malcolm: What do you want?
Dewey: Everything. I want everything. -
Quote from Fez in That '70s Show episode Ramble On
Nina: Now I think that's all the questions I have about your application.
Fez: Okay, but one thing my application doesn't say is how much I would apply myself to the job here. [chuckles]
Nina: I'm gonna have to ask you to stop making puns now. I really don't think this is going to work out, so- [gasps] Wow! That is a gorgeous man-ring. You know, wearing a ring this big shows a lot of confidence.
Fez: Well, I do feel like a king when I wear it. And, you know, what is the D.M.V. really, if not one big kingdom?
Nina: You know what? You're stubborn, under qualified, and you barely speak English. Welcome to the D.M.V. -
Quote from Greg in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates My Man
Greg: Dude, just then, am I crazy, or when Dickerson said "my man" was he talking to you?
Chris: Yeah, he was talking to me.
Greg: That's awesome! You're, like, his number-two guy now. It's like Chico and the Man, My Man Godfrey, Our Man Flint. I can't even imagine. The perks gotta be great.
Chris: Well, so far the only perk is Caruso saw me earlier and didn't punch me in the face. -
Quote from Al in Home Improvement episode Roomie for Improvement
Al: I would like you to meet Tim Taylor. This is the man that I work with.
Tim: Hi, Cynthia. How are you?
Cynthia: Oh, you're the one who assists Al on his show.
Tim: That's me. -
Quote from J.D. in Scrubs episode My New God
J.D.: What does he find irritating about you?
Dr. Cox: Fire at will.
Paige: I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.
J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, I wished something'd break the tension.
Turk: [paper beeps] [singing] Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Smack the moneymaker! Smack it!
J.D.: That's how he likes it.
Turk: Sex time, people!
J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy. Like Jesus. -
Quote from Kevin Dorfman in Monk episode Mr. Monk and the Game Show
Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E., here's your coffee. Sorry it took so long. I'm still not used to that kitchen. Careful. It's hot.
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin. Oh. There's something in there.
Kevin Dorfman: That's a raisin. Yeah, I put it in to sweeten the coffee. Little trick I picked up when I was waiting tables in Aspen, Colorado, which I did for two summers. Not two consecutive summers, 'cause there was a summer in between...
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Kevin. -
Quote from Frankie in The Middle episode Role of a Lifetime
Brick: Hey, while we're airing dirty laundry, which I'm wearing, by the way, I've worn the same outfit for three weeks.
Frankie: Hey, buzz, buzz! You think you have it bad? I have to be the beacon of hope for this family. I have to make sure everyone's emotional needs are met. And, by the way, if it weren't for me, we wouldn't even have a family to have a family meeting about, 'cause I pushed every single one of you out of my body! [all groan] That's right. I gave you life!
Axl: Yeah, you gave us this life! Not exactly something to brag about. [overlapping bickering] -
Quote from Lucille in Arrested Development episode Making a Stand
Narrator: Later that day, Michael went to his parents apartment to talk about the problem he was having with Gob.
Michael: What's going on here?
Lucille: Well, they're painting the whole building, so I'm having the inside done, too. And that goes into storage, right? Not into your apartment.
Decorator: Que?
Lucille: What's Spanish for "I know you speak English"? -
Quote from Nina in 3rd Rock from the Sun episode The Thing That Wouldn't Die: Part Two
Nina: Hey, Albright, what's the deal here?
Mary: I can tell you anything, right?
Nina: Well, you have.
Mary: Dick is an alien, and I'm going to travel with him on a spaceship and be the size of a trophy.
Nina: Okay, go easy on the champagne. I'm not driving you home again. I just finished shampooing my carpets from the last time. -
Quote from Pops in The Goldbergs episode Circle of Driving
Beverly: Are you guys okay?
Pops: No, I'm not okay. Barry took a dump in front of us.
Barry: I had to go.
Pops: It was bad.
