Daily Quotes - May 8

  • Quote from Ross in Friends episode The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1)

    Janice: I can't believe this.
    Ross: And yet, somehow, it's true.
    Janice: I mean, this is so great. We're gonna be baby buddies. [laughs]
    Ross: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears.

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  • Quote from Kelly in The Office episode The Delivery

    Kelly: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.

  • Quote from Alexis in Schitt's Creek episode Maid of Honour

    Stevie: Okay, I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to this job than I thought.
    Alexis: Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like nothing.

  • Quote from Blanche in The Golden Girls episode Blind Ambitions

    Blanche: Oh, I just love barbecues. We used to have the most wonderful ones back home. I can remember sitting out under a big old tree with the Darcy triplets: Hank, Beau and Dove. Eating and talking and laughing. And then along towards the end of the meal, why, the boys always got into a fight over who was going to get to lick the barbecue sauce from my fingertips and kiss away the little droplet of butter that always drizzled down my chin. Oh, has it gotten awful hot out here?

  • Quote from Jay in Modern Family episode Do You Believe In Magic

    Jay: [aside to camera] It's fun when your kids get your best qualities, but it's a kick in the gut when they pick up stuff you hate about yourself. I saw that ugly, impatient part of me coming out of my adorable son. In fairness, that adorable part also came from me. We both got my mom's crab-apple cheeks and pillow lips.

  • Quote from Kramer in Seinfeld episode The Nap

    Kramer: I got pool problems Jerry.
    Jerry: What happened?
    Kramer: Well, I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real groove so I decided to keep going. But at ten, they start the aquacise. 35 geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby-armed spanking machine.
    Jerry: Well, how long did that last?
    Kramer: A half hour then diving class started. Well, that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim, 'cause that pool can't hold me, Jerry.

  • Quote from Winston in New Girl episode Landline

    Winston: What does marketing mean to Schmidt?
    Nick: This was the spoiler. What did it say? Uh... Predicting desires.
    Schmidt: Predicting desires.
    Winston: Well, to me, it's all about predicting desires and finding buyers, you feel me? [chuckles]
    Schmidt: He's really good on the phone.
    Winston: Did you know that my name was an acronym? Uh-huh. Schmidt: Some can have money, I desire thoughtfulness. [Winston laughs] Schmidt don't quit!

  • Quote from Frasier in Frasier episode Slow Tango in South Seattle

    Thomas: Well, Amber, it was given to me... by God.
    [out in the corridor:]
    Frasier: By God?! Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God and he knows it!

  • Quote from Tom in Parks and Recreation episode Partridge

    Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
    Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
    April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
    Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.

  • Quote from Lily in How I Met Your Mother episode Something New

    Lily: So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Ooh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital "I"? I'm all yours, Teddy Westside.
    Ted: Actually, tonight it's Teddy Westchester. Got to head up to the house, take care of some stuff.
    Lily: Oh, yeah, how's the restoration going?
    Ted: Actually, done.
    Lily: You finished the house? Well, I want to see it
    Ted: Marshall already canceled the cable, huh?
    Lily: And the Wi-Fi. It's like Little House on the Freaking Prairie up there.

  • Quote from Pops in The Goldbergs episode The Darryl Dawkins Dance

    Murray: This might partially be my fault. I may have said something along the lines of old people die and he may have come to conclusions.
    Pops: What conclusions?
    Murray: You know, if you're at the deli counter of life, and you've got your ticket. You're gonna get your sandwich sooner than other people will.
    Pops: What is this horrible deli? I hate this deli.
    Murray: We all gotta eat there sometime.
    Pops: Well, I'm just gonna have a pickle.
    Murray: Can't just have a pickle.
    Pops: I can and I will.
    Murray: You can't just have a pickle.
    Pops: I'm in better shape than you! Check out these guns!

  • Quote from Dr. Cox in Scrubs episode My Unicorn

    J.D.: Reunion time. This is gonna be great.
    Murray: [clears throat]
    Mr. Marks: Murray?
    Murray: Before you say anything, I just want you to know if you need a kidney, you can have mine.
    J.D.: See?
    Murray: For seventy thousand dollars! [smiles to J.D.]
    Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.

  • Quote from Ray in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Working Girl

    Debra: God, look I can't go back there. It's just too humiliating. I just- Oh God, I don't know what happened to me. The whole time I was arguing with Charlotte I was thinking, "Come on, what are you doing? Stop talking." But I had to keep fighting for Pete Za.
    Ray: You know, I know why you fight. It's because you're surrounded by Barones. It's a jungle here. It's survival of the fittest. No, if you didn't learn how to hold your own my mother would be wearing you as a coat.
    Debra: Look, I'm not gonna blame your family for me losing my job.
    Ray: Why not?
    Debra: Because that's a big cop-out.
    Ray: I'm doing it when I get fired from my job.

  • Quote from Natalie in Monk episode Mr. Monk and the Big Reward

    Natalie: All right, I've got $34.
    Adrian Monk: Is that it? Yesterday was payday.
    Natalie: Yes, it was. But I didn't get paid. You know, your paydays are becoming sort of theoretical.

  • Quote from Orla in Derry Girls episode The Concert

    Orla: Their wee beekeeper costumes are so cracker.

  • Quote from Geoffrey in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Hex and the Single Guy

    Ashley: The whole thing gave me the creeps, Geoffrey. Do you really think a person can be cursed?
    Geoffrey: How do you think I ended up here?

  • Quote from Amy in The Big Bang Theory episode The Prom Equivalency

    Bernadette: How was your prom? Did you go?
    Amy: No, but I was on cleanup crew.
    Penny: Aw, that's sad.
    Amy: No, it was okay. The DJ let me dance one slow dance with my mop before he shut down. Whenever I see a bucket of dirty water, I still hear Lady in Red.

  • Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode Pilot

    Sergeant Jeffords: Charles Boyle. He's a grinder. Not the most brilliant detective, but he works harder than anyone else. He's not physically gifted.