Daily Quotes - January 24

  • Quote from Rachel in Friends episode The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 2)

    Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her all alone.
    Rachel: Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.
    Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
    Rachel: Well, then he gets a divorce. It's Ross.

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  • Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Threat Level Midnight

    [After the scene where Toby is killed is played, showing his head being shot off multiple times:]
    Michael Scott: Far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was "intregal" to the story.

  • Quote from Jerry in Seinfeld episode The Keys

    [stand-up:]
    Jerry: I bought the Ginsu knife. I did buy the Ginsu knife. I know, you can't believe it, but I did, I swear. I saw it. And it was late at night, and I was watching the thing, and it started making sense to me. I'm thinking, "Yeah, cut through the shoe. Cut through the can. Yeah, I like that." So I called up the number of the screen, you know, and I said, "I'd like to order the Ginsu knife." And the lady went, "Really?" I mean, even the Ginsu people have given up. It's really so sad. I mean, to be honest, if you need a knife that can cut through a shoe, perhaps you're not buying the highest grade of meat currently available. You know, maybe you ought to think about not getting the "hoof cut" once in a while.

  • Quote from Dorothy in The Golden Girls episode Old Boyfriends

    Blanche: What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends? You told me you were a virgin till you got married.
    Rose: Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way.
    Blanche: You cannot! If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.
    Dorothy: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
    Rose: Thank you, Dorothy.
    Dorothy: She is the slut. She's the Grand Pooh-Bah of Slutdom. She's the easiest woman in this room.
    Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.
    Dorothy: The slut is dead. Long live the slut.

  • Quote from Moira in Schitt's Creek episode Estate Sale

    Johnny: I wonder who got my golf clubs.
    Moira: Really, John, that's the first thing that comes to mind?
    Johnny: They were custom made.
    Moira: So was my Galapagonian tortoise-shell foot bath. And now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it.

  • Quote from Gloria in Modern Family episode Australia

    Gloria: I think this spiritual journey of yours is a wonderful thing. I think it's gonna make you feel closer to your mother.
    Phil: I hope so. I miss her. It's the biggest reason I came here to connect. Is that weird?
    Gloria: Not at all. I talk to my late grandmother all the time. She would have loved this place. I wonder if she's here with me now. No, she doesn't like to fly.

  • Quote from Jess in New Girl episode Neighbors

    Jess: Guys, that's crazy. This is objectively hilarious. I can do any character from an '80s sitcom. Quiz me.
    Nick: No.
    Jess: Oh, Alf, don't eat the cat! Get out of the city, Cousin Larry Appleton. I'm Frasier Crane.
    Schmidt: No!

  • Quote from Ted in How I Met Your Mother episode Something Old

    Ted: Now, as you know, I'm a bit of a legend when it comes to packing.
    Marshall & Lily: We know.
    Ted: Tales are still told of the time I traveled all through Spain for two weeks with everything I needed efficiently packed into a hands-free belt satchel. The locals called me...
    [title: "El Ganso con la Riñonera"]
    Lily: Yeah, it's not a "hands-free belt satchel," Ted. It's a fanny pack.
    Ted: It's not a fanny pack.
    Marshall: In Spanish, El Ganso con la Riñonera means "Fanny Pack Dork."
    Ted: No, it doesn't. It means "Packer of Great Skill and Merit."
    Future Ted: [v.o.] I looked it up. It means "Fanny Pack Dork."

  • Quote from Ray in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Prodigal Son

    Ray: All right, listen, when I go there, I should be thinking about God, right? Instead, I'm thinking about some column I'm working on, "What's up with this guy's scalp?" "Oh, that lady sneezed, I'm not shaking her hand." I'm not focused. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and that's not respectful, right?
    Debra: Yeah, you're right. I mean, you shouldn't go if you're just going through the motions.
    Ray: What are you doing?
    Debra: What? I'm agreeing with you.
    Ray: No, you're trying to make me feel guilty.
    Debra: No, I'm not.
    Ray: You're just like my mother.
    Debra: Why do you have to insult me?

  • Quote from Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation episode Ms. Knope Goes to Washington

    Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I both did some amazing things today. He scored a victory for the congressional campaign he's working on. And I was mistaken for Beverly D'Angelo by a Japanese tourist. So, pretty big day for both of us.

  • Quote from Frasier in Frasier episode The Seal Who Came to Dinner

    Frasier: I hope you're right about the alarm code, Niles. People do change them.
    Niles: Maris will never change this one. It's her ideal weight. What she weighed at her debutante ball. Let's see, this many pounds, and that many ounces.
    Frasier: Good lord, no one could weigh that and live.

  • Quote from Will in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode The Philadelphia Story

    Will: What am I supposed to do about my rep?
    Chill: Yo, you got to stand up to Omar Boulware, man.
    Word: Word.
    Carlton: Who's Omar Boulware?
    Chill: Some guy Will wouldn't fight.
    Will: The dude that be spinning me over his head in the opening credits.

  • Quote from Erin in Derry Girls episode Episode Two

    Erin: Are you throwing alcohol on it? Are you actually throwing alcohol on it? And what in utter God are you doing? Seasoning it?!

  • Quote from Dr. Kelso in Scrubs episode My New Suit

    Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repugnant as of late. I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
    Dr. Kelso: Ah, Perry, you're so edgy and cantankerous. You're like House without the limp.

  • Quote from Chris in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates the Car

    Police Officer: Was there money in the tires?
    Chris: No.
    Police Officer: A baby?
    Chris: A baby in the tires?
    Police Officer: You'd be surprised. Was this baby Black or White?
    Chris: There was no baby in the tires.
    Police Officer: Well, tell me, sir, exactly what was in the tires?
    Chris: Air.
    Police Officer: White air?
    Chris: White air?!
    Police Officer: You'd be surprised. All right, fill this out, and we'll see what we can do.
    Chris: Well, should I move it so I don't get a ticket?
    Police Officer: Don't bother. [slaps a ticket on the windshield] Too late.

  • Quote from Adam in The Goldbergs episode The Spencer's Gift

    Mr. Glascott: No, your son would do miserably in Hollywood, and that's a fact.
    Beverly: My son is a star, and you're gonna die alone!
    Mr. Glascott: While I do feel that way, I'm just stating the hard truth. It's more likely that your puny son will become a power forward for the Sixers than a big Hollywood muckety-muck.
    Adam: Oh, no, Mama. I don't want to play whatever sport he's talking about.

  • Quote from Sam in Cheers episode Rebound, Part 1

    Carla: We lost another waitress because she said she found out she wasn't the only girl in your life.
    Sam: Oh, nonsense, Carla. She's been listening to vicious rumors.
    Carla: Sammy, this means that I have to work alone again. And we can't keep a waitress in here because you keep breaking their hearts.
    Sam: Well, obviously I need a good talking to.
    Carla: [screams] Sammy, this is serious! [Sam kisses Carla on the forehead] We have gone through eight waitresses in six months.
    Sam: Bet you I can remember all their names. Dee Dee, Carlene, Angela, Sneezy, Dopey, Donner and Blitzen.

  • Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer in Monk episode Mr. Monk and the Candidate

    Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, make me happy.
    Lieutenant Disher: We found it wedged under the passenger seat, uh, in his hat. Third name from...
    Captain Stottlemeyer: I see it, I see it.
    Lieutenant Disher: She was a parttime volunteer. She quit two months ago. That's why her name didn't come up. So Monk was right. There is a connection.
    Captain Stottlemeyer: How does he do it? I mean, I have two eyes. I see everything that he sees, but I don't see what he sees.