Daily Quotes - March 18
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Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode St. Patrick's Day
Michael Scott: How late do we have to work tonight?
Gabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Michael Scott: Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Gabe: Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just- That's just depressing. -
Quote from Rachel in Friends episode The One After Ross Says Rachel
Joey: Emily is taking kind of a long time, huh?
Rachel: Heh. You know, when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame to get the hell out of there, you know. -
Quote from Jay in Modern Family episode Sleeper
Jay: [phone rings] Ooh. I've been wanting to do this. Quick, what's the ring around an angel's head?
Manny: What?
Jay: [answering the phone] Halo!
Phil: You did the angel one! Ordinarily, I'd be delighted, but this isn't gonna be one of our fun chats.
Jay: You mean like that time you called me when you saw that blimp?
Phil: It was so low, they waved back. -
Quote from Jess in New Girl episode Landline
Coach: I'm mad at you, Jess. Why'd you put me on blast like that?
Jess: Because you shouldn't be sleeping with other teachers, Coach, let alone two. Who are you, Blanche from Golden Girls? -
Quote from Jerry in Seinfeld episode The Yada Yada
Tim Whatley: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?
Jerry: Hey.
Tim Whatley: "Those aren't matzo balls."
Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?
Tim Whatley: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?
Jerry: I know, but...
Tim Whatley: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3,000 years.
Jerry: 5,000.
Tim Whatley: 5,000. Even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a shtickl of fluoride. -
Quote from Dorothy in The Golden Girls episode Old Friends
Dorothy: Hey, I didn't hear you get up.
Rose: I never went to sleep.
Dorothy: Now look, Rose, this has to stop. Now you have been carrying on for a week. It was only a toy animal.
Rose: Fernando was more than that. He was full of life, he was full of love...
Dorothy: He was full of stuffing, Rose. -
Quote from Lorelai in Gilmore Girls episode The Bracebridge Dinner
Lorelai: They're here.
Rory: Who?
Lorelai: The Joyless Luck Club. -
Quote from Cliff in Cheers episode Mr. Otis Regrets
Rebecca: Jean Marie. I don't think that's such a hot name. I think it's stupid. It sounds like it's French for "Jan Murray."
Cliff: Well, the French, they consider Jan Murray the greatest comic genius of the 20th century.
Frasier: No, they say that about Jerry Lewis.
Cliff: Well, they're wrong, it's Jan Murray. -
Quote from Ray in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Boob Job
Ray: All right. I like you and your breasts.
Debra: And I like you and your breasts.
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Debra: What?
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What'd you say breasts for?
Debra: You just said it.
Ray: Yeah, but you have breasts. I don't have breasts.
Debra: Pecs, I meant to say pecs.
Ray: I know what you said and I know what you meant. You meant my sagging breasts. I've had three kids too, you know. -
Quote from Adam in The Goldbergs episode Colors
Murray: You suck, Winnipeg Jets!
Adam: Oh, my God, they're the Jets. It's like "West Side Story" on ice! -
Quote from Ted in How I Met Your Mother episode The Naked Man
Future Ted: [v.o.] But one of the craziest things I ever walked in on happened when I was roommates
with your Aunt Robin.
Mitch: [completely naked on the couch] Hey.
Ted: Hey. Who are you?!
Mitch: Mitch.
Ted: What you doing, Mitch?
Mitch: You must be the roommate. I'm on a date with Robin. She had to step outside to take a call. I guess her cell phone doesn't work in here.
Ted: Oh. Oh. Oh. Robin... didn't use the super secret signal. We put this old takeout menu on the doorknob. Place went out of business. Mr. Wang's... Guess I don't have to explain why that's funny. I'm going to go. Um, when you leave, take the seat cushion with you. That's trash now. -
Quote from Moira in Schitt's Creek episode Start Spreading The News
Moira: [answers phone] Tippy. Yes, I just received it. Please, tell me this is not some barbarous jape. Yes. Yes. My answer is a yes! A clangorous, vociferous yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Johnny: What's all that about?
Moira: Sunrise Bay. Wow. When forced to choose between Clifton and myself, they decided mine was the bigger name. -
Quote from Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle episode Red Dress
Reese: I wonder how many holes are up in those tiles.
Malcolm: 186,480.
Reese: You counted all those?
Malcolm: No, you just count one tile's holes across and down. Multiply it, then multiply it again by the number of tiles. -
Quote from Granda Joe in Derry Girls episode The President
Jim: Look, Colm's met JFK. He has experience with presidents, he'll know what to do.
Joe: No chance! I'm sorry, Colm, but you can't be part of this. If you meet Bill Clinton, you'll be a president up. You'll have two presidents to my one. I cannot have you getting ahead of me, president-wise.
Sarah: One of his presidents is dead, Daddy.
Joe: It still counts.
Jim: Ssh!
Joe: I'll only have to even things up again.
Jim: Ssh, Joe!
Joe: I can't spend the rest of my life traipsing around after bloody presidents. I've other things to be at, girls. -
Quote from Eric in That '70s Show episode I Love Cake
Eric: So, they're really gonna separate?
Donna: Yeah, but they're still gonna live together.
Eric: Oh. Wow. Are... Are you okay?
Donna: Yeah, but, I mean, that's just like the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I mean, how's that supposed to work?
Eric: Well, I imagine it'll be like when Gilligan and the Skipper had a fight, and they drew a chalk line down the center of their hut. That worked out great.
Donna: Yeah. That solved all their problems.
Eric: Yeah. [Donna chuckles] I love you.
Donna: I love you, too.
Eric: All right, then. [Donna chuckles] [they kiss] -
Quote from Dr. Kelso in Scrubs episode My Rule of Thumb
Dr. Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well, by gum, you know they're just gonna say: "Awwww, shucks! "That's what it is!"
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ! What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'? -
Quote from Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation episode The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic
Todd: Leslie, you're down 15 points in the latest poll for the recall election. What can you do to make up the deficit?
Leslie Knope: I'll tell you what I'd do if I was an Eagletonian. I'd pop a Xanax and ask my butler to help me out. [laughter] I mean, I'm not saying that Eagletonians are out of touch. But when you tell 'em it's time to change their oil, they ask, "Extra virgin or white truffle?" [laughter] Thanks, guys. I'll see ya at the game. Unless, of course, you're an Eagletonian, and then you'll be too busy polishing your monocle at the caviar store. Knope out. [microphone feedback; laughter] -
Quote from Frankie in The Middle episode The Table
Frankie: It's dollhouse furniture, Mike. That's why it was only 50 bucks. I mean, who on earth pays 50 bucks for doll furniture?
Mike: Apparently, we do. [Frankie sighs]
Mike: Frankie, how'd this happen?
Frankie: Hey, you're the one who said, "get it."
Mike: Wasn't there a picture?
Frankie: Yes... That made it look like a regular table in a regular room. I mean, come on, that is not how you take a picture of a doll table. This is how you take a picture of a doll table. You take a table. You take a pen. You put them next to each other. The person looking at the picture says, "Oh, this table's only as big as a pen. I can't have Thanksgiving dinner on it." -
Quote from Chris in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor
Mr. Abbott: Hey, hey, hey, don't get mad at me, short bus. You're the one that didn't take this test serious. It's a test. What did you think was gonna happen? You know what they do to food before they give it to people? They test it. They don't even give people, uh, paper towels without testing it first. How do you think they know that Bounty is the quicker picker-upper? They test it, and you know what happens to all the other paper towels that couldn't sop up the grease? They fail and get sent back.
Chris: Well, maybe if they would've told the paper towel that he needed to sop up the grease to get to the store, he would've done better.
Mr. Abbott: What are you talking about?!
Chris: I don't know. You started it. -
Quote from Will in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Will Gets a Job
Vivian: Come on, kids! Tip-off's in 30 minutes!
Philip: Carlton, you seen my keys?
Will: Excuse me, what did you call me?
Philip: l called you Will.
Will: No, you didn't. You called me Carlton. I'm not Carlton, okay? I don't look like Carlton. I don't act like Carlton and, most importantly, I don't look like Carlton. -
Quote from Harold Krenshaw in Monk episode Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy
[Harold walks about the room with his hands held out front, just like Monk]
Adrian Monk: What in God's name are you doing?
Harold Krenshaw: Investigating.
Dr. Bell: Harold, please sit down.
Harold Krenshaw: Who had a motive a motive for murder? [turning to Monk] You did. You resent the group. Admit it, you want Neven all to yourself!
Adrian Monk: That's ridiculous.
Harold Krenshaw: Is it? Which of us would know how to commit a perfect crime without leaving a single clue? Who's the famous homicide expert?
Adrian Monk: I am.
Harold Krenshaw: And who's in the perfect position to steer the investigation away from himself?
Adrian Monk: Me. -
Quote from Buster in Arrested Development episode Premature Independence
Buster: Well, there's a lot of stuff I've done in this prison that you might not approve of. I touched a mouse. I read an illustrated Qur'an for kids, and at recess once, I sat in "Blacks only."
Lucille: Yard.
Buster: Oh, I keep doing that. But maybe what you really don't approve of is me.
Lucille: If you must know the truth, I'm not thrilled with you.
Buster: Okay.
Lucille: The last time I saw you, you told me you didn't need me anymore.
Buster: Okay- So I'm to believe that's what you're upset about? [laughs] Not that you think I'm a murderer? Or that I touched a mouse? -
Quote from Tim in Home Improvement episode Bewitched
Detective Roberts: Do we have anything to link her to the crime scene? A black cat? A broom?
Tim: How about her amulet that she wore around her neck? It's right here. Hey, look at that. It's my fez. I've been looking all over for this thing.
Detective Roberts: Your fez? What happened to the amulet?
Tim: Well... I had it in my hand.
Detective Roberts: You tampered with the crime scene?
Tim: I did not know it was a crime. I did not know it at the time.
Detective Roberts: Dr. Seuss claims there was a witch. -
Quote from Dick in 3rd Rock from the Sun episode I Am Dick Pentameter!
Dick: You have a little tofu on your lip.
Jennifer Ravelli: This smoothie is delicious. Please, have a sip.
Dick: Ahh. Thank you, but no. Just, please, go like this.
Jennifer Ravelli: I've got an idea. How about we kiss?
Dick: Okay, time-out. You're missing my point.
Jennifer Ravelli: Finish your food, and we'll blow this joint.
Dick: Just listen to me! You have tofu on your lip. It's been there for what seems like an eternity. Now please just flick it the hell off your face! [Jennifer wipes her mouth] Thank you. That's better. Now we can embrace.