Daily Quotes - December 9

  • Quote from Stanley in The Office episode Stress Relief

    Stanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

  • Quote from Ross in Friends episode The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister

    Monica: Are you crazy?
    Ross: Am l? Am I out of my mind? Am I losing my senses? This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.

  • Quote from George in Seinfeld episode The Boyfriend

    George: Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?
    Jerry: No. What happened to you?
    George: All right, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office. And I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings, you've got to answer "Vandelay Industries".
    Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
    George: Right.
    Jerry: And what is that?
    George: You're in latex.
    Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
    George: I don't know. You manufacture it.
    Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?

  • Quote from Phil in Modern Family episode Kiss and Tell

    Luke: Hey, Dad? What are you doing?
    [Phil claps the barbecue tongs together]
    Jay: He wouldn't.
    Gloria: [gasps]
    [aside to camera:]
    Phil: I realized he was "Mean Girls-ing" me back with a weird nod to "Legally Blonde," which I'll bet he thinks I didn't notice. I had to change tactics. I had to stop acting like a mean girl and do the last thing Jay would ever expect me to do... act like a man.

  • Quote from Winston in New Girl episode Oregon

    Winston: Look, this might not be the right time to say this, you guys, but, uh, should we take a straw poll on this whole Cosby thing?

  • Quote from Blanche in The Golden Girls episode Stand by Your Man

    Blanche: Now, let me get this right. Dinner at your place tonight? What kind of girl do you think I am, and how could you tell so fast?

  • Quote from Future Ted in How I Met Your Mother episode Girls Vs. Suits

    Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you probably guessed, that wasn't the night I met your mother. Although I think I glimpsed her foot. But I did get a little bit closer to meeting the woman of my dreams. And your mom? Well, she got her yellow umbrella back.

  • Quote from Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation episode The Reporter

    Leslie Knope: This is Ron Swanson, our boss. Ron, this is the reporter I was telling you about.
    Ron Swanson: No comment.
    Shauna: About what?

  • Quote from Moira in Schitt's Creek episode Town for Sale

    Johnny: People do come out of comas.
    Moira: Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

  • Quote from Niles in Frasier episode Hot Ticket

    Trevor: So, tell me, as students of the human psyche, did my character ring true?
    Frasier: Oh, oh yes. So true.
    Niles: I can honestly say I never saw a false moment.
    Trevor: But, what about the third act? The play clearly has a third act problem.
    Niles: Well, at least it has a third act, unlike "The Silent Echo" which really could have used one.

  • Quote from Michel in Gilmore Girls episode A Messenger, Nothing More

    Lorelai: Um, what are you doing?
    Michel: Hiding.
    Lorelai: From me?
    Michel: No.
    Lorelai: From?
    Michel: Suffice to say, my hiding is not costing the inn any income. In fact, I'm overdue for my 10. So consider this my 10, and you are now conducting business with an employee who is officially on his 10, which is in direct violation of union rules.
    Lorelai: You're not in a union.
    Michel: I'm in a union of oppressed Frenchmen.
    Lorelai: Oh, the U.O.F. Got it. All right. Carry on.

  • Quote from Marie in Everybody Loves Raymond episode The Contractor

    Frank: I told you I still had to tweak it!
    Debra: I know, but it has a lot of problems, Frank. I mean, most of the time, I can barely use it.
    Marie: Oh, dear. Can we really blame the stove?

  • Quote from Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle episode Pilot

    Malcolm: Dave Spath. He never gets sent anywhere. What do you do if he catches you?
    Dewey: Roll in a ball.
    Malcolm: What if he starts kicking you?
    Dewey: Stay in a ball.
    Malcolm: Okay. Come on.

  • Quote from Michelle in Derry Girls episode The Concert

    Erin: We need a better plan, Michelle!
    Michelle: This is a great plan.
    Erin: We cannot walk to Belfast!
    Michelle: How far can it be? Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It's fucking tiny.

  • Quote from Fez in That '70s Show episode Man with Money

    Donna: Why can't my dad just see that Pam is a total gold digger?
    Jackie: Oh, would you stop saying that?
    Fez: Hey, either she digs for gold or she doesn't. It's easy to check. Are her boots muddy? Does she carry a pickaxe? When she comes home does she say, "Tough day at the gold mine"?
    Jackie: No, Fez, a gold digger is what these idiots call a woman who knows that love eventually wears off, but money is forever.

  • Quote from Janitor in Scrubs episode My Saving Grace

    Dr. Cox: I am getting rid of Maddox. Who's in?
    Janitor: I'm in. Ever since she fired me, I've been moping around my apartment, making barking sounds. I-I'm not crazy, I just need some human interaction and the barking makes the neighbors yell, "Shut the damn thing up!" Then I can go over there with a bottle of scotch and apologize for Rusty, my imaginary Akita. The only downside is that by the time Lady, my girlfriend, gets home, I'm too drunk to talk to her. Much less make love. You've never pictured me as an organism that has sex, have you?
    Dr. Cox: We have not.
    Dr. Kelso: No.
    Janitor: I understand.

  • Quote from Norm in Cheers episode Someone Single, Someone Blue

    Diane: You're taking this all too personally and you shouldn't. It's just Mommy doesn't like bars.
    Norm: Well, bars can be very sad places. Some people spend their whole lives in a bar. Just yesterday, some guy sat right here next to me for 11 hours.
    Cliff: Yeah, what kind of a life is that?
    Norm: Well, it's pitiful. You know, the sad thing is, you know that guy will be sitting in a bar somewhere right now, drinking a beer, going on and on about nothing.

  • Quote from Mike in The Middle episode Mother's Day II

    Sue: I feel horrible. I just love Mom so much. She deserves the best Mother's Day ever.
    Mike: Yeah, well, that ship has sailed. Now we got three days to slap something together that doesn't suck. What does your mom like?
    Sue: She likes driving us places.
    Axl: And doing our laundry and stuff.
    Brick: And making us soup.
    Mike: No, she doesn't. Whose mom are you thinking of?

  • Quote from Greg in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates Houseguests

    Adult Chris: [v.o.] The snoring actually wasn't that bad compared to what followed.
    Greg: [singing in his sleep] She's a maniac, maniac on the floor And she's dancing like she's never danced before
    Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was hoping a maniac would break in and smother Greg with a pillow.

  • Quote from Geoffrey in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Guess Who's Coming to Marry?

    Hilary: Ugh, do I have to do everything myself?
    Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, the day you do everything for yourself will be the day I square-dance naked on the White House lawn.

  • Quote from Pops in The Goldbergs episode Goldbergs Never Say Die

    Barry: Mom, leave him alone. A handsome sixty-year-old has the right to do whatever he wants.
    Pops: You think I'm 60? Get over here.
    Beverly: And stop giving cash to the kids every time they lie to you about your age.
    Murray: Bevy, leave the man alone. He's doing damn good for a 40-year-old.
    Pops: This guy!

  • Quote from Adrian Monk in Monk episode Mr. Monk Visits a Farm

    Adrian Monk: [coughs]
    Lieutenant Disher: You okay?
    Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It's just, you know everything. The earth and the outdoors. All the animals and animal by-products.
    Lieutenant Disher: Well, you know, all the food you eat comes from farms just like this.
    Adrian Monk: Not anymore. Not as of the last 23 minutes.

  • Quote from Lucille in Arrested Development episode Off the Hook

    Lucille: So you fell out of a chair, and for this, the government gives you applause?
    Buster: No, a big hand.
    Lucille: I thought I recognized that little son of a bitch. [yells at doctor] This is why you can't keep a job at one hospital!

  • Quote from Tim in Home Improvement episode My Son, the Driver

    Jill: All right. Obey all traffic laws, especially no speeding. Keep that seat belt fastened. No kids drinking, smoking. No sex, no drugs.
    Jill: Or anything else.
    Brad: What else is there?
    Tim: Plenty. All right... No oval shots in parking lots or doing doughnuts in people's lawns. And absolutely, absolutely... no mooning while the car's in gear.
    Jill: What about when it's not?
    Tim: Use your best judgment.

  • Quote from Nina in 3rd Rock from the Sun episode Just Your Average Dick

    Nina: It's just that you're acting kinda strange.
    Dick: Me, strange? I'm textbook normal. If anyone is strange, it's you. [Nina scoffs] You exercise too much, you drive a stick shift, you drink root beer. Oh, and you're Black.
    Nina: What's strange about being Black?
    Dick: Let's face it, Nina, most White people aren't.
    Nina: But they want to be.