Daily Quotes - January 28

  • Quote from Stanley in The Office episode Classy Christmas

    Stanley: So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?
    Toby: No, they bring it in.
    Stanley: You lucky son of a bitch.
    [aside to camera:]
    Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... That is the life.

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  • Quote from Ross in Friends episode The One with the Embyros

    Monica: That does not mean you know us better. I want a rematch.
    Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions. Real, personal questions.
    Monica: Yeah. And the winner gets $100.
    Joey: Serious?
    Monica: Are you scared?
    Joey: No. Who makes up the questions?
    Monica: Ross will do it.
    Ross: Oh, sure, Ross will do it. It's not like he has a job or a child or a life of his own.
    Rachel: Fine. We'll ask Phoebe.
    Ross: No, I want to play.

  • Quote from George in Seinfeld episode The Conversion

    George: I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club.
    Jerry: That's all there is to it?
    George: That's all there is to it. By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza.
    Jerry: And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
    George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

  • Quote from Winston in New Girl episode Helmet

    Tripp: 'Sup. Let's talk puss. Ready to show me your hairy little guy?
    Schmidt: What?
    Winston: Ugh. Oh. Yes, uh... Introducing... The mouse murderin', the heart burglarin', the king of the kennel, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop. [Furguson purring] He's lickin' his no-no.
    Schmidt: America's sweetheart.

  • Quote from Rose in The Golden Girls episode Whose Face Is This, Anyway?

    Rose: Isn't it wonderful how you make lifelong bonds when you join a sorority?
    Dorothy: Oh, I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.
    Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
    Dorothy: Very commendable.
    Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep.

  • Quote from Johnny in Schitt's Creek episode Moira vs. Town Council

    Johnny: Well, word to the wise, son, don't spend all your money at once.
    David: I thought you weren't getting involved.
    Johnny: No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.
    David: Okay, what does "word to the wise" even mean?
    Johnny: Word to the wise. When you're speaking to somebody wise, you lis- You're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just... Just, uh, keep that in mind, and, um, keep up the good work.

  • Quote from Mitchell in Modern Family episode CHiPs and Salsa

    Mitchell: The release form for this ride-along is is shockingly thorough.
    Officer Stablitzky: I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. can't bury another ride-along. 'm kind of the precinct cut up.
    Mitchell: Okay.
    Cameron: Mitchell, it'll be fine. They do these things all the time.
    Mitchell: Yeah, easy for you to say. My entire head is a gang color.

  • Quote from Mickey in How I Met Your Mother episode Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap

    [flashback to 2006 at Lily's grandparents' house:]
    Lily: Dad, you should be paying rent, not living in your parents' basement.
    Mickey: Hey, it's not my first choice. Having the old farts right upstairs is crimpin' my style a bit. Clearly, they're not getting the whole "sock on the doorknob" thing.
    Marshall: Oh, they caught you with a girl?
    Mickey: In a way.

  • Quote from Michelle in Derry Girls episode Episode Two

    Michelle: Where the fuck are we going to get the money for Paris now?
    Orla: We could sell our organs.
    Clare: We could. We could sell our organs. Or, and forgive me if this is a bit left-field, but could we not, you know, get jobs?
    Michelle: There are no jobs in Derry. That's all you ever hear anybody say.
    Clare: So what are these?
    Michelle: I never really looked at this before. I just assumed they were all dead cat posters.
    Clare: Missing cat posters.
    Michelle: If you're an optimist.

  • Quote from Donna in Parks and Recreation episode The Camel

    Donna: So, it's the Last Supper, but with famous people from Indiana. Mmm-hmm. John Mellencamp, Larry Bird, Michael Jackson, uh, David Letterman, Vivica A. Fox. Okay, so, here's where it gets a little dicey. Because there's not that many celebrities from Indiana. So, a NASCAR. Uh, my friend, Becky. Ron Swanson.
    Leslie Knope: Donna? Who's the Jesus?
    Donna: That would be Greg Kinnear.

  • Quote from Frasier in Frasier episode Space Quest

    Frasier: Can't have my coffee. Can't have my breakfast. [looking at Martin's chair] Oh, dear God, it wasn't a dream. I'll get him for this. And his little dog too.

  • Quote from Lois in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Call Me Mom

    Marie: Well, pardon me for saying it, but isn't that a little hypocritical? I mean, here I am, ready to embrace this.
    Lois: I know, and pardon me for saying this, but maybe in this case it really isn't up to you. I mean, well, heaven forbid you don't get your way for once. [laughs]
    Marie: [faint chuckle] May I just ask, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
    Lois: I'm just going by what I see around here.
    Marie: At least I'm always here, not like some mothers.
    Lois: Well, some mothers might say that you're here a little too much.

  • Quote from Lorelai in Gilmore Girls episode Written in the Stars

    Rory: This is crazy.
    Lorelai: Well, it depends on your definition of "crazy." I, for one, found the Mariah Carey phone messages to her fans just refreshingly imaginative.

  • Quote from Robin Colcord in Cheers episode Sam Ahoy

    Cliff: You know, it's too bad you can't enter that race. I hear in the paper the first prize is $10,000.
    Sam: It's up to $10,000?
    Cliff: Yeah.
    Robin: Gentlemen, in the time it takes me to say $10,000, I make $10,000. Oh, there I go again.
    Sam: Look. $10,000.
    Robin: Yes, it also works if you say it.

  • Quote from Geoffrey in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Winner Takes Off

    Will: Okay, G, listen, listen.
    Geoffrey: Philip I have $1,000 with your name on it. Do the family a favor, get Viv some cooking lessons.
    Philip: You!
    Geoffrey: And, Miss Ashley, how does a Mercedes sound?
    Ashley: Vroom, vroom?
    Geoffrey: Very clever, I'll get you two.
    Hilary: Vroom, vroom, vroom.
    Geoffrey: Nice try. In case you hadn't figured it out... I quit. I quit. I quit! I quit! I quit!

  • Quote from Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle episode Dewey's Dog

    Dewey: Ever since the day I was born, you guys have been torturing me. I remember you trying to switch me for another baby at the park. I remember you telling me the tooth fairy was a vampire. I remember every wet willy, every booger sandwich, every stink hat-
    Reese: Dewey, we're sorry!
    Dewey: ...every waffle butt, every Chester Backster and every purple nurple! And now you're going to pay. [Marshmallow barks]
    Malcolm: Dewey, this isn't gonna work. Mom and Dad'll be home in a few hours, that dog will be gone, you'll be in trouble and we'll kick your ass for the next ten years!
    Dewey: I know. So we'd better get started.
    Malcolm: What do you want?
    Dewey: Everything. I want everything.

  • Quote from Fez in That '70s Show episode Ramble On

    Nina: Now I think that's all the questions I have about your application.
    Fez: Okay, but one thing my application doesn't say is how much I would apply myself to the job here. [chuckles]
    Nina: I'm gonna have to ask you to stop making puns now. I really don't think this is going to work out, so- [gasps] Wow! That is a gorgeous man-ring. You know, wearing a ring this big shows a lot of confidence.
    Fez: Well, I do feel like a king when I wear it. And, you know, what is the D.M.V. really, if not one big kingdom?
    Nina: You know what? You're stubborn, under qualified, and you barely speak English. Welcome to the D.M.V.

  • Quote from Greg in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates My Man

    Greg: Dude, just then, am I crazy, or when Dickerson said "my man" was he talking to you?
    Chris: Yeah, he was talking to me.
    Greg: That's awesome! You're, like, his number-two guy now. It's like Chico and the Man, My Man Godfrey, Our Man Flint. I can't even imagine. The perks gotta be great.
    Chris: Well, so far the only perk is Caruso saw me earlier and didn't punch me in the face.

  • Quote from Al in Home Improvement episode Roomie for Improvement

    Al: I would like you to meet Tim Taylor. This is the man that I work with.
    Tim: Hi, Cynthia. How are you?
    Cynthia: Oh, you're the one who assists Al on his show.
    Tim: That's me.

  • Quote from J.D. in Scrubs episode My New God

    J.D.: What does he find irritating about you?
    Dr. Cox: Fire at will.
    Paige: I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.
    J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, I wished something'd break the tension.
    Turk: [paper beeps] [singing] Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Smack the moneymaker! Smack it!
    J.D.: That's how he likes it.
    Turk: Sex time, people!
    J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy. Like Jesus.

  • Quote from Kevin Dorfman in Monk episode Mr. Monk and the Game Show

    Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E., here's your coffee. Sorry it took so long. I'm still not used to that kitchen. Careful. It's hot.
    Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin. Oh. There's something in there.
    Kevin Dorfman: That's a raisin. Yeah, I put it in to sweeten the coffee. Little trick I picked up when I was waiting tables in Aspen, Colorado, which I did for two summers. Not two consecutive summers, 'cause there was a summer in between...
    Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin.
    Adrian Monk: Thank you, Kevin.

  • Quote from Frankie in The Middle episode Role of a Lifetime

    Brick: Hey, while we're airing dirty laundry, which I'm wearing, by the way, I've worn the same outfit for three weeks.
    Frankie: Hey, buzz, buzz! You think you have it bad? I have to be the beacon of hope for this family. I have to make sure everyone's emotional needs are met. And, by the way, if it weren't for me, we wouldn't even have a family to have a family meeting about, 'cause I pushed every single one of you out of my body! [all groan] That's right. I gave you life!
    Axl: Yeah, you gave us this life! Not exactly something to brag about. [overlapping bickering]

  • Quote from Lucille in Arrested Development episode Making a Stand

    Narrator: Later that day, Michael went to his parents apartment to talk about the problem he was having with Gob.
    Michael: What's going on here?
    Lucille: Well, they're painting the whole building, so I'm having the inside done, too. And that goes into storage, right? Not into your apartment.
    Decorator: Que?
    Lucille: What's Spanish for "I know you speak English"?

  • Quote from Nina in 3rd Rock from the Sun episode The Thing That Wouldn't Die: Part Two

    Nina: Hey, Albright, what's the deal here?
    Mary: I can tell you anything, right?
    Nina: Well, you have.
    Mary: Dick is an alien, and I'm going to travel with him on a spaceship and be the size of a trophy.
    Nina: Okay, go easy on the champagne. I'm not driving you home again. I just finished shampooing my carpets from the last time.

  • Quote from Pops in The Goldbergs episode Circle of Driving

    Beverly: Are you guys okay?
    Pops: No, I'm not okay. Barry took a dump in front of us.
    Barry: I had to go.
    Pops: It was bad.