Daily Quotes - July 16

  • Quote from Jim in The Office episode Customer Survey

    Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] What was that?
    Jim: Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.
    Pam: Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
    Jim: It is more of a spicy brown, actually.

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  • Quote from Monica in Friends episode The One with Ross's Wedding (Part 2)

    Monica: Do you think he knew I was here?

  • Quote from Luke in Modern Family episode The Old Man & The Tree

    Luke: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of the recycling. I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.M. Thursday morning. I may have missed a few weeks. Maybe more than a few weeks. After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions. I don't need people asking questions.

  • Quote from Nick in New Girl episode A Father's Love

    Schmidt: Oh, my... Nick, please do not angry-fix the sink.
    Nick: I'm not angry-fixing. I'm fixing! You want to know why I'm messed up? Why I don't trust people? Why I have anger issues?
    Jess: Oh, yes, I do want to know.
    Nick: Why I have the blood pressure of a hummingbird? [rapid banging]
    Jess: Do you think this is maybe about your dad?

  • Quote from George in Seinfeld episode The Apartment

    Jerry: All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.
    George: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole life is a sham!

  • Quote from Dorothy in The Golden Girls episode One for the Money

    [flashback:]
    Blanche: Who on earth could that be at 3 o'clock in the morning?
    Dorothy: Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem.

  • Quote from Rory in Gilmore Girls episode A Messenger, Nothing More

    Rory: Let me show you one thing before Showgirls, okay?
    Lorelai: What?
    Rory: Home movies from my trip with Grandma.
    Lorelai: You have home movies?
    Rory: She was in fine form.
    [A Room with a View (1985) plays on the TV]
    Lorelai: She gets very British when she's abroad.

  • Quote from Cliff in Cheers episode The Art of the Steal

    Frasier: Say, where's Sam off to?
    Carla: He's off to a luxury apartment to meet a naked woman.
    Cliff: Boy, that guy leads a pretty exciting life compared to us, huh?
    Norm: Cliffy, compared to ours, a tapeworm leads a pretty exciting life.
    Cliff: You know, I happen to be a bit of an expert on tapeworms. It all goes back to my eighth grade science fair. Everybody else had rabbits and Guinea pigs. I had a tapeworm.
    Norm: Really?
    Cliff: Yeah, so I couldn't go. Or was that a ringworm?
    Norm: Check, please.
    Cliff: Uh... Oh, boy, oh, boy. Me and parasites, don't get me started.

  • Quote from Debra in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Cousin Gerard

    Debra: Hey, how did it go with Gerard today?
    Ray: Yeah, thanks for mentioning things to my mom, pepper squat.
    Debra: What?
    Ray: I can't get any work done. He's allergic to the pen. And he keeps asking me stupid questions.
    Debra: You gotta just give the guy a chance, you know?
    Ray: You try spending a day in the basement with him, you know? He's always got something negative to say about everything, even when I compliment him. Then he keeps complaining in that nasal whiny voice. "Oh no, I spilled whiteout." [Debra laughs] What?
    Debra: You could be twins.

  • Quote from Niles in Frasier episode Rooms with a View (Part 2)

    Niles: Boy, a hospital is an interesting place, isn't it?
    Frasier: How so, Niles?
    Niles: Oh, all roads lead to the hospital. We're born here, we get sick here, we get well here. All these big dramatic moments and the hospital just gobbles them up. Do you think a hospital has memories? I bet it does. I bet when I walked in, it thought "Oh, you again. You're the little boy who broke his leg in 1966. Hello, old friend." Wow, a talking hospital. That would be cool. When are these drugs going to kick in? I don't even know why I need surgery. This is the best I've felt in years.

  • Quote from Beverly in The Goldbergs episode Lame Gretzy

    Beverly: Murray, I don't understand why you insist he plays. Adam, be careful on that ice. It's very slippery.
    Murray: Why don't you just skate around with him all game and make sure he stays safe?
    Beverly: I know you're joking, but I would do that if the situation presented itself.

  • Quote from Marshall in How I Met Your Mother episode Slap Bet

    Marshall: You know what it might be. This is gonna sound a little crazy but what if Robin's married?
    Ted: Married? What does have to do with the mall?
    Marshall: Well, maybe she got married at the mall. Back home in Minnesota a ton of people would get married at the Mall of America, it's great. It's a gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures. Numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable price...
    Lily: We're not getting married at the mall.
    Marshall: Just meet with the guy.

  • Quote from Twyla in Schitt's Creek episode The Hike

    Twyla: Hey, what's up?
    Alexis: Nothing, I was just on my way back from Ted's, and I thought I'd pop in and see how you're doing, girl. Good shift?
    Twyla: Is this about the card reading earlier?
    Alexis: What? No. I've been thinking about the card reading earlier, and I just feel like it wasn't the greatest send off, you know? So hopefully I'll get a better one this time, and it will just like, erase the other one.
    Twyla: I'd be glad to do it, Alexis, but I should warn you, I think the deck may be cursed. I predicted four other drownings today.
    Alexis: Okay, well maybe you should get a new deck.

  • Quote from Lois in Malcolm in the Middle episode Lois Strikes Back

    Lois: I want names. How many were there? [Reese holds up four fingers] Good. At least you can hear me now. Just nod when you see one.
    [As Lois runs her finger along pictures in the yearbook, Reese whimpers and nods]
    Lois: Kristin? [Reese whimpers] It's okay. She can't hurt you now.

  • Quote from Clare in Derry Girls episode The Concert

    Michelle: Look, this is too important. I'm going to that concert. I'm not afraid of a fucking polar bear!
    Erin: Me either!
    James: Nor me.
    Michelle: Bastard!
    Orla: I'll kill it with my own two hands if I have to.
    Erin: Bring it on!
    Clare: OK, we seem to have gone down a weird road here, people. I think we've just got a bit confused. We don't actually have to fight a polar bear. And, if we did, I wouldn't really fancy our chances because, well, they're massive.
    Orla: But there's five of us so...

  • Quote from Kitty in That '70s Show episode Hyde's Father

    Kitty: Red, when we took that boy into our home, it became our job to see him through thick and thin. And now it's thick - or thin, I don't know - but he needs us.

  • Quote from J.D. in Scrubs episode My Heavy Meddle

    Bartender: You owe me $53.
    J.D.: I think I left my wallet in my other onesie.
    [later:]
    Carla: So the bartender just let you skip out on the tab?
    J.D.: He said I could pay him back by giving him a complete physical, which is actually scary because I never said I was a doctor.

  • Quote from Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation episode The Cones of Dunshire

    Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.
    Ron Swanson: Why would he want to tear down a perfectly good cabin?
    Donna: I think he's a developer, wants to put in a luxury glamp-ground. Glamping is "glamour camping." Heated tents, catered meals, wi-fi--
    Ron Swanson: You're describing a hotel.

  • Quote from Mike in The Middle episode Valentine's Day II

    Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! All right! That's it! That's it! We're shutting it down! Party's over! Here we go. You guys shouldn't be celebrating Valentine's Day anyway, because it's a scam cooked up by the greeting card companies. You know what you should be doing? You should be studying. 'Cause guess what they're doing in China right now? They are doing math and they're learning how to be C.E.O.S of greeting card companies so they can sell us Americans a heart-shaped load of crap!
    [cut to Mike returning home:]
    Mike: Banned.

  • Quote from Julius in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates a Liar

    Chris: [licks a stamp for Julius] Can we use the sponge instead?
    Julius: You know how much a sponge costs?
    Adult Chris: [v.o.] Less than a new tongue.
    Julius: [accidentally tears a stamp] That's one cent worth of stamp. Chris, give me the tape.
    Adult Chris: [v.o.] What my father didn't realize was that I had to use two cents' worth of tape to repair one cent worth of stamp.

  • Quote from Carlton in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode PSAT Pstory

    Hilary: Carlton, will you quit?
    Carlton: Quit: from the Latin, quietare, to be at rest or satisfied.
    Hilary: He's been doing this all morning. It's really irritating.
    Carlton: Irritate: from the Latin, irritare, to excite or stimulate.
    Vivian: Okay, Carlton, that's enough.
    Philip: Vivian, his PSATs are this morning. He's just trying to be prepared.
    Carlton: Prepare: from the Latin, praeparare, to make ready.
    Philip: Carlton, shut up.
    Hilary: Shut up: from the big guy, your father.

  • Quote from Adrian Monk in Monk episode Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic

    Julie Teeger: Mom, I gotta go.
    Natalie: Sweetie, why didn't you go at the game? There was a porta-john right there.
    Julie Teeger: I wanted to, but Mr. Monk says it wasn't sanitary.
    Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later.

  • Quote from Tobias in Arrested Development episode Missing Kitty

    Warden Stefan Gentles: But didn't you come here to research the nature of fear? I can't think of a better teacher than White Power Bill. He's like a master's course unto himself.
    Tobias: So you think I'm a coward.
    Warden Stefan Gentles: There's only one man I've ever called "coward". That's Brian Doyle-Murray. No. What I'm calling you is a television actor.
    Tobias: Ouch.

  • Quote from Jill in Home Improvement episode The Eyes Don't Have It

    Jill: OK, OK, OK. How about this? I will meet Mark's teacher at three o'clock and find out what's going on. Since I'll be near here, I'll pick up Brad and Randy. Drop Randy off at football practice at 3:45, Brad off at the saxophone lesson at 4:15 on the way to my 4:30 class. You take Mark to the doctor at four o'clock. Oh. And make sure that she checks that right ear. I think he's got that waxy buildup thing happening again. He might have to have it irrigated. Now, after the doctor, double back to the football field, pick up Randy, come home, make dinner. These should be ready about five o'clock. I'll pick up Brad on my way home. We should get there by six. Does that sound good?
    Tim: Yeah. One more time from the top?

  • Quote from Sally in 3rd Rock from the Sun episode Dick-in-law

    Sally: So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, I don't like how you leave the toilet seat down.
    Nina: That's the way women use it.
    Sally: [scoffs] Yeah, sure, Nina. That's the way women use it.