Daily Quotes - October 17

  • Quote from Ross in Friends episode The One with the Ball

    Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. It was right here. Where is it?
    Joey: I don't know.
    Monica: All right, well come on, I'm late for work.
    Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch.

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  • Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode Traveling Salesmen / The Return

    Dwight K. Schrute: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless, insatiable.

  • Quote from Moira in Schitt's Creek episode The Hike

    Dr. Lipman: Hi, I'm Doctor Lipman. We're gonna take you back for some tests.
    Johnny: Good.
    Moira: Is "tests" code for open heart surgery? You can tell me, I once played a nurse on "M.A.S.H."

  • Quote from Sophia in The Golden Girls episode Sophia's Wedding

    Sophia: Well, what do you think?
    Blanche: Sophia, that looks beautiful. It's absolutely gorgeous.
    Rose: Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?
    Sophia: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.

  • Quote from Phil in Modern Family episode The Old Wagon

    Phil: [aside to camera] Well, you can't be in sales and not remember people's names. That's why I like to use what they call "menimonic" devices or little tricks to help you remember. Um, like the other day, I met this guy named Carl. Now I might forget that name, but he was wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt. What's a band like the Grateful Dead? Phish. Where do fish live? The ocean. What else lives in the ocean? Coral. Hello, Carl.
    Claire: I think it's "mnemonic."
    Phil: I- I think I'd remember.

  • Quote from Jerry in Seinfeld episode The Smelly Car

    [stand-up:]
    Jerry: Whenever you ask for a doggy bag in a restaurant, there's a certain sense of failure there, isn't there? People always whisper it to the waiter, don't they? [quietly] "Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry, you're gonna have to give me the doggy bag. I couldn't make it." And it is embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Let me tell you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.

  • Quote from Nick in New Girl episode Normal

    Nick: As my financial business partner, I appreciate you taking the time. All right, Russell said we need a prototype. So, Mr. Schmidt, I now present you "Real Apps." The phone obviously goes back here where the phone goes, and then these are all the apps. You've got a Zippo. You've got a fork. You've got a spoon. That's a corn holder. It's also a gentleman's shiv.
    Schmidt: Nick, it's a prototype of a prototype at best. Let me see it.
    Nick: No. Don't be mean about it.
    Schmidt: Come on, let me see it.
    Nick: You got a bottle opener.

  • Quote from Niles in Frasier episode A Tsar is Born

    Martin: Oh, that's great. We can go anywhere. You know, the first place I want to go is Elmo, Nebraska. We got a whole mess of cousins down there. [exits]
    Frasier: Well, we're out fifteen thousand each.
    Niles: And we have to take long trips in a Winnebago.

  • Quote from Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation episode Two Funerals

    Ron Swanson: So, Typhoon, what do you like to do for fun?
    Typhoon: I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy, and I do the chandelier design for my friend's drag puppet show.
    Ron Swanson: No further questions.
    Typhoon: All I really want to do is dance. Except lately all the good warehouse raves are filled with Eurotrash.
    Ron Swanson: "Eurotrash," I like that. It is, indeed, a garbage continent.
    Typhoon: Yes. Oh, my God. I had the worst time in Berlin last May. Everyone was on their stupid bikes. I was like, "Ew."
    Ron Swanson: [laughs] Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.

  • Quote from Barney in How I Met Your Mother episode False Positive

    Ted: Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?
    Barney: Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity, dude? I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-30s, I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

  • Quote from Marie in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Favors

    Marie: Hello, dear. How are you?
    Debra: I don't know.
    Marie: What's wrong?
    Debra: Ray is gonna kill me.
    Marie: Oh, dear. I told you. You know, salt is just a seasoning. It can't be the main ingredient.

  • Quote from Elliot in Scrubs episode My Karma

    Elliot: I can't take it, Carla. I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer. The worst part is, Paul is this perfect guy who wants to take things slow with me. And I'm just this big mountain of cuckoo about to erupt and spew molten crazy over him and he's gonna die like this.
    Carla: Calm down, Elliot. Do what I used to do. Find people who don't even know Paul, and just let it out in little bursts.
    Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, ladies.
    Elliot: You know, when I was a kid, I got a sunburn like that. I just peeled all the skin off, put it in a pile and ate it.
    Dr. Kelso: Good Lord.

  • Quote from Michelle in Derry Girls episode Episode Two

    Clare: There's so much I want to do, the Champs-Elysees, the Arc de Triomphe, The Louvre...
    Michelle: A French fella. That's what I want to do. Nation of rides. My fanny is going funny just thinking about it.
    Erin: Could you not use that word, Michelle?
    Michelle: What, fanny?
    Clare: Why do you always have to be so coarse?
    Michelle: What is the big deal? We all have one.
    James: I don't.
    Michelle: You are one.

  • Quote from Barry in The Goldbergs episode O Captain! My Captain!

    Beverly: Name three types of inert gases.
    Barry: Easy. There's regular, unleaded, and farts?
    Beverly: Farts?
    Barry: Farts.
    Beverly: The answer is not farts!
    Barry: How is fart not a gas?!

  • Quote from Jazz in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Eyes on the Prize

    Vivian: So, who's gonna be your partner?
    Will: Oh, Kellogg Leiberbaum. He's the smartest dude in school. He's gonna call me on the car phone at 8:00. That is, if Uncle Phil don't try to fix it.
    Philip: Well, that's it. The next person that mentions the phone gets a boot in their behind.
    Jazz: Mr. Banks, your phone is broken.
    [Uncle Phil throws Jazz out of the house. Later, Jazz dusts himself off as he returns to the living room]
    Jazz: It occurs to me, this family's got a lot to learn about hospitality.

  • Quote from Diane in Cheers episode I Call Your Name

    Sam: No, listen, if I had something to say, I'd say it. I'd even yell it out. Passionately. [goes into his office]
    Diane: [follows Sam] What exactly did you and Frasier talk about?
    Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. Let's drop this whole thing. It's going nowhere. We both have more important work to get back to. I know I'm running a little behind.
    Diane: I hate it when you're smug. It means you think you have something on me. And I emphasize 'think'.
    Sam: Ooh, I'm not thinking.
    Diane: No, but this is as close as you get.

  • Quote from Adrian Monk in Monk episode Mr. Monk Gets Fired

    Adrian Monk: Sharona said I should start off with a joke to break the ice.
    Ms. Lennington: Who's Sharona?
    Adrian Monk: My nurse. Do you like Marmaduke?
    Ms. Lennington: Who?
    Adrian Monk: He's in the comics. He's a dog. But he's big. He's the biggest dog in the world. Today, he got stuck in the doggie door again. And the man said, "At least this time, he's facing the right way." [slight chuckle] You can learn a lot from Marmaduke.
    Ms. Lennington: I think I just did.

  • Quote from Adult Chris in Everybody Hates Chris episode Everybody Hates a Part Time Job

    Rochelle: Well, what do you need a leather jacket for? What's wrong with Drew's old coat?
    Adult Chris: [v.o.] Instead of Drew wearing my old clothes, I wore his old clothes. I think I was the first kid to get hand-me-ups.

  • Quote from Bernadette in The Big Bang Theory episode The Skywalker Incursion

    Bernadette: Hey, Raj, if Howard can't keep the TARDIS, how great would it look at your place?
    Raj: What?
    Howard: Yeah, what?
    Bernadette: I don't know much about Doctor Who, but if you were to put this right outside your front door and open up the back, it would be like your entire apartment is the inside of the TARDIS. Which is pretty cool because on the show, the inside of the TARDIS is bigger than the outside. But then again, I don't know much about Doctor Who.

  • Quote from Charles in Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode The Bet

    Charles: Truth time. We love your husband. He's a great cop. We will do anything to protect him. And you have incredibly attractive hands.
    And you! What are you doing, lying to your wife? Unless you want to end up moving into my ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement with me, you better man up. Don't you ever keep anything from this beautiful woman again.
    Seriously, you are beautiful. If he ever lies to you again, you can call me.