Daily Quotes - March 5

  • Quote from Chandler in Friends episode The One with the Stoned Guy

    Chandler: Yeah, I just don't have a lot of chef-ing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

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  • Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Christening

    Michael Scott: [in a mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
    Pam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family.
    Michael Scott: But I'm the Godfather.
    Jim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.
    Michael Scott: Are you talking to me?

  • Quote from Moira in Schitt's Creek episode The Affair

    David: Okay, Alexis and I need the car, we're running some errands for the store today.
    Alexis: Um, since when?
    David: Uh, since I need help for a pick-up. And mom clearly already has a lift, and I'm pretty sure parents are supposed to put their children before themselves.
    Moira: Oh, really? No. If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it's that a mother puts her on own mask on first.

  • Quote from Sophia in The Golden Girls episode Cheaters

    Dorothy: Look, I'm not proud of what I did, but it didn't seem so bad at the time. He was trapped in a bad marriage.
    Sophia: There's no such thing as being trapped in a marriage. In this country you can get divorced. In Sicily there was no divorce. If you wanted to end a marriage, you had to resort to the lupara.
    Rose: Is that some kind of legal loophole?
    Sophia: It's some kind of sawed-off shotgun.

  • Quote from Gloria in Modern Family episode Unplugged

    Gloria: [aside to my camera] No way he's going to my village. I was in two car accidents when I was living there. Both times, I hit a goat. One was hurt pretty bad. But it was a good thing I had a shovel in the trunk.

  • Quote from Roz in Frasier episode Trophy Girlfriend

    Frasier: You all right?
    Roz: Well, I was fine until I saw Julia in the parking lot. Why does she have to come here?
    Frasier: For God's sake, Roz, I'm a little tired of hearing you complain about Julia all the time. Why don't you just give her a chance?
    Roz: How about her? I've been working with her for over a month and she shows me no respect. She's mean and arrogant, but not in a funny way like you.

  • Quote from Jerry in Seinfeld episode The Alternate Side

    Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right?
    Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.
    Sid: Well, I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.
    Jerry: This Wednesday?
    Sid: No, next Wednesday. Week after this Wednesday.
    Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
    Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.

  • Quote from Cece in New Girl episode Sister II

    Cece: I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me to move into a place like this. Maybe I would've settled down. Met a, you know, nice guy. Nothing flashy. Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna.
    Jess: Okay, not now, Cece.
    Broker: No, don't stop her. Who is this guy? [laughs]
    Cece: Right? [sighs]

  • Quote from Jerry in Parks and Recreation episode Bailout

    Ben: Okay, so you're really gonna say no to Ann?
    Chris: I care about Ann very deeply, but... I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a dad.
    Jerry: You know, Chris, every parent makes mistakes. I mean, lord knows I've made plenty. But it's the small victories that keep you going. When you see your little one take her first step or... or graduate college, oh, my God, it just makes it all worth it. [chuckles] And another thing is if-- If, like-- If I-- [exhales] You know, and then your kid's-- because you're like--vrrrr-- I don't know. And everyone's like, "Oh." [babbles] Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I--no one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.
    Chris: It was a beautiful point. And very well said, right up until that moment that you started babbling incoherently.

  • Quote from Lily in How I Met Your Mother episode Belly Full of Turkey

    Lily: No, I've decided and I'm keeping my own name.
    Marvin Sr.: But Eriksen is a great last name. People know the Eriksen's.
    Lily: Oh, sure, in St. Cloud but our kids aren't gonna be growing up in St. Cloud. Right, baby?
    Marshall: Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.
    Lily: Oh, so is New York.
    [All the Eriksens laugh]
    Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.

  • Quote from Murray in The Goldbergs episode The Opportunity of a Lifetime

    Beverly: Oh, God, I see Murray tears.
    Murray: [crying] I can't help it!
    Barry: No, don't you cry. If you cry, I'll cry.
    Murray: I'm just so damn proud. You know what? Talk to your mom. Let me get my bearings.

  • Quote from Jordan in Scrubs episode Their Story

    Jordan: [v.o.] Okay, time to set things straight with that neurotic, bug-eyed, straw-haired...
    Jordan: My parents were mean to me.
    Elliot: Oh, you don't need to say that. I don't know what you were thinking, although I'm sure that was lovely.

  • Quote from Adrian Monk in Monk episode Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink

    Natalie: I've always been kind of curious about this place.
    Adrian Monk: Yep. This is where it all doesn't happen.

  • Quote from Frank in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Wallpaper

    Debra: Robert, what do we do?
    Robert: I'll fill out a report. You should call your insurance companies.
    Frank: Oh, here we go. Why the hell did I let you drive?
    Marie: Because you can't see anymore.
    Frank: I can see a house!

  • Quote from Raj in The Big Bang Theory episode The Raiders Minimization

    Stuart: Is make-up really necessary?
    Raj: When somebody looks at your dating profile, the first thing they see is your picture. I just want to make sure you look fun and full of life, not like a body they just pulled out the river.

  • Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode Into the Woods

    Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I've got two kids, a job, and a very pregnant wife. I get one hour a week to myself on Sundays.
    You know what I do with that time? I run a hot bubble bath, wheel in a TV, and watch sports bloopers.
    Charles: Sports bloopers?
    Sergeant Jeffords: They're hilarious and relaxing, and they humanize my heroes.