Gloria: [aside to camera] I really wanted to trust that Joe was wearing his eye patch, but after finding it in the garbage, I had to make sure. I didn't want him to mess up his vision. I think it's a big problem in this country. Everywhere I look, there are men with googily eyes.

Claire: I don't remember buying these fresh peaches. Aah!
Phil: Apologies, Serge. My wife, Claire, seems to have forgotten that I'm holding office hours for my Intro to Real Estate class here at home.
Claire: So, when I walked to the laundry room minutes ago in my bra...
Phil: That was kind of perfect, actually. I had just made a point about how buildings from the early '70s were holding up surprisingly well.

Maria: Hey, Mr. Pritchett. I'll take this when you're ready.
Jay: Thank you, Maria.
Cameron: Oh, Maria, that's a beautiful name. That's why it's often sung.
Mitchell: But you're not going to...
Cameron: ♪ Ave Maria ♪
Mitchell: And curtain. Okay, they just started letting gays in here. Don't make them regret it.
Jay: You might also wanna tell Sharona to steer clear of the table.

Mitchell: Thanks for breakfast, Dad.
Jay: Hey, I love spending time with you two!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Every month I've gotta burn off a minimum at the club, and literally, everybody else I knew was busy. That's also why I give a lot of birthday presents from the pro-shop. You know, mugs and visors that say "Kiss My Putter," "Talk Birdie To Me." Quality items. Everybody wins.

Luke: How'd you even get an old paper on a thumb drive?
Claire: [scoffs] It was easy.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Ish. The old paper was on an old format, but it was a simple matter of stringing a couple of old machines together to get what I needed. Yes, I have been accused of having a little problem with perfectionism, but I also have a little problem with injustice, much as a certain U.S. President had a little problem with European Imperialism. Of course when a man does it, it becomes a doctrine. And when a woman does it, she's hysterical.

Jay: [aside to camera] Mitch and Cam got in my head. I'd had a perfectly innocent relationship with the fun mom, but then they got me feeling all guilty. Suddenly I couldn't mention one thing in that school without it sounding like a double entendre. Nap time? Fun zone? [warily] Juice box...

Gloria: I've had enough, the wandering eye, the lies.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Why was I so nervous? I had done nothing wrong. Sure, I engaged in some friendly e-mail banter. I guess I realized blue shirts make my eyes sparkle. Might have done a few push-ups in the parking lot before the pizza party, but that's for everybody.

[Car door opens]
Jay: Hey, buddy.
Joe: I'm sorry, okay?! I lied about wearing my eye patch, and that's only the beginning! I lied about how my bike broke. I never walk Stella. I tie her to the treadmill. The last three teeth I put under my pillow were Tic-Tacs. I'm a terrible boy.
Gloria: Oh, good. He's weak like you.

Paige: For starters, my grandmother's ravioli.
Luke: It looks amazing. I've been saving some occasion wine in my room. The grape character on the box is saying "Mamma Mia!" so it should go well with Italian.

Phil: [aside to camera] I've heard things like this happened to Paul McCartney at the height of his Beatles fame. It was a classic fatal-attraction situation. I had to do two things. One: get through the next minutes 'til the deadline to drop my class had passed by distracting her with light banter and enjoying her Tuscan cooking. And two: check to see if she had beaten and restrained Claire.