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36Quotes from ‘On the Same Paige’

Modern Family: On the Same Paige

1006. On the Same Paige

Aired October 31, 2018

Phil is worried his real estate class will be cancelled if another student drops out, so he pulls out all the stops to charm Paige, who happens to have a dinner date with Luke. Cameron feels Mitchell is too self-conscious when he refuses to perform at a school event. Meanwhile, Jay questions whether he's been flirting with a mom at the school.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I really wanted to trust that Joe was wearing his eye patch, but after finding it in the garbage, I had to make sure. I didn't want him to mess up his vision. I think it's a big problem in this country. Everywhere I look, there are men with googily eyes.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I don't remember buying these fresh peaches. Aah!
Phil: Apologies, Serge. My wife, Claire, seems to have forgotten that I'm holding office hours for my Intro to Real Estate class here at home.
Claire: So, when I walked to the laundry room minutes ago in my bra...
Phil: That was kind of perfect, actually. I had just made a point about how buildings from the early '70s were holding up surprisingly well.

Quote from Mitchell

Maria: Hey, Mr. Pritchett. I'll take this when you're ready.
Jay: Thank you, Maria.
Cameron: Oh, Maria, that's a beautiful name. That's why it's often sung.
Mitchell: But you're not going to...
Cameron: ♪ Ave Maria ♪
Mitchell: And curtain. Okay, they just started letting gays in here. Don't make them regret it.
Jay: You might also wanna tell Sharona to steer clear of the table.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Thanks for breakfast, Dad.
Jay: Hey, I love spending time with you two!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Every month I've gotta burn off a minimum at the club, and literally, everybody else I knew was busy. That's also why I give a lot of birthday presents from the pro-shop. You know, mugs and visors that say "Kiss My Putter," "Talk Birdie To Me." Quality items. Everybody wins.

Quote from Claire

Luke: How'd you even get an old paper on a thumb drive?
Claire: [scoffs] It was easy.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Ish. The old paper was on an old format, but it was a simple matter of stringing a couple of old machines together to get what I needed. Yes, I have been accused of having a little problem with perfectionism, but I also have a little problem with injustice, much as a certain U.S. President had a little problem with European Imperialism. Of course when a man does it, it becomes a doctrine. And when a woman does it, she's hysterical.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Mitch and Cam got in my head. I'd had a perfectly innocent relationship with the fun mom, but then they got me feeling all guilty. Suddenly I couldn't mention one thing in that school without it sounding like a double entendre. Nap time? Fun zone? [warily] Juice box...

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I've had enough, the wandering eye, the lies.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Why was I so nervous? I had done nothing wrong. Sure, I engaged in some friendly e-mail banter. I guess I realized blue shirts make my eyes sparkle. Might have done a few push-ups in the parking lot before the pizza party, but that's for everybody.

Quote from Joe

[Car door opens]
Jay: Hey, buddy.
Joe: I'm sorry, okay?! I lied about wearing my eye patch, and that's only the beginning! I lied about how my bike broke. I never walk Stella. I tie her to the treadmill. The last three teeth I put under my pillow were Tic-Tacs. I'm a terrible boy.
Gloria: Oh, good. He's weak like you.

Quote from Luke

Paige: For starters, my grandmother's ravioli.
Luke: It looks amazing. I've been saving some occasion wine in my room. The grape character on the box is saying "Mamma Mia!" so it should go well with Italian.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've heard things like this happened to Paul McCartney at the height of his Beatles fame. It was a classic fatal-attraction situation. I had to do two things. One: get through the next minutes 'til the deadline to drop my class had passed by distracting her with light banter and enjoying her Tuscan cooking. And two: check to see if she had beaten and restrained Claire.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What a great kid. That's why I chucked it all for a life in academia, Claire. [inhales deeply] It's a special feeling knowing that there's a young man walking around out there who you helped mold, who you can be proud of.
Luke: Hey, Dad.
Phil: Hey. You know?

Quote from Claire

Phil: You're up early.
Luke: What are you talking about? I hugged you from behind earlier. You know, I said, "I don't remember buying this six pack." Then you did that funny Eastern European accent... [Eastern European accent] "I don't want trouble. I just want to learn." [Chuckles]
Claire: Should we be concerned about group-molesting Serge?

Quote from Luke

Claire: And aren't you at the minimum number of students before they cancel your class?
Phil: Not to worry. Serge worships me, and the rest of the class is super solid. Plus, it's the last day to drop classes anyway.
Luke: Oh, speaking of that, I'm thinking about dropping history.
Phil: How come?
Luke: It's not really exciting me. Plus, we've got this huge paper due today that I haven't quite finished starting.

Quote from Claire

Luke: It's on the Monroe Doctrine.
Claire: The Monroe Doctrine?
Phil: Oh, no.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Junior year history class, I wrote the perfect paper. Strong thesis, impeccable supporting arguments. I quoted from the letters of a White House footman who recalled Monroe calling to him from the bath, "Beauregard, fetch me my breeches. We have a doctrine!" I got a "C." [inhales sharply; to Phil] Oh, so you agree with that grade, huh? Don't patronize me.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Mmm. The food at the club has gotten so much lighter and healthier.
Jay: We had a run of angina attacks, so we had to go heart-healthy. We said goodbye to our social chairman, Herb, and our butter fountain in the same weekend.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So, if you're not rushed, you should treat yourself to our spa. You know, get a couple of, uh... a couple of standard treatments.
Cameron: Oh, well, you're so generous. Might I say you look very handsome in that shirt we gave you for Christmas. They also make it in "Queen's coral"... Oh, no. Did I spoil your birthday?
Jay: Sounds like you might.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: The only reason we're paired together is because our kids are in the same reading group.
Both: Oo-ooh!
Jay: Damn it!
Cameron: [chuckling] I love when we "ooh."
Mitchell: We used to do that all the time, and then we stopped. Why?
Cameron: I don't know.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Joe! Why did I find your eye patch in the garbage?
Joe: I don't know. Were you throwing away another parking ticket?
Gloria: Okay, you have to put it on.
Joe: Why? My lazy eye is fixed.
Gloria: Okay, I'm over here, and it's only one more week. And you look tough, like a little warlord.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, papi, but promise me that you're going to wear the eye patch the whole day.
Joe: I will. I can't believe you don't trust me.
Gloria: Two days ago, I caught you trying to copy a $20 bill in the printer.
Joe: Dad says I get to pick what we watch on TV when I start making my own money.
Gloria: Go to school.

Quote from Cameron

Aweemaweh: If you guys are ready, me and Julio will get started.
Cameron: Oh, by any chance, did you guys meet down by the schoolyard? ♪ Me... ♪
Mitchell: No... No. Okay.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Now I'm remembering why we haven't had a couples massage since our honeymoon. Aruba. That's not where we went. That's the noise he made.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: No, I just can't relax with you making these noises.
Cameron: Well, I can't relax without making the noises.
Mitchell: Which is why I'm leaving. Thank you, Julio, and I'm sorry. I-I didn't catch your name.
Aweemaweh: It's Aweema-weh.
Mitchell: Good luck to you both.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.
Luke: Hey, Mom. Everything all right?
Claire: Of course. I just felt like making a stop by the hallowed halls of community college. What's with the police tape?
Luke: Oh, some frat guys decided to drive the dean's office to Burning Man.
Claire: Okay. Well, anyhoo, since we're here, before you drop that history class, could you possibly turn in an old paper of mine? I would love to get a second opinion on it.
Luke: Sure, but you know you just did something weird and I didn't ask a single follow-up question?
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: You owe me one of those.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I hope you guys like counting 'crows. Es-crows, that is. [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: It had become a familiar sound, my eighteen devoted students laughing as one. Only something was different this time. It sounded like seventeen. Could it be that I had a wobbler in my midst? Sure enough, Paige Stevens was going through the course catalog. If I lost her, I'd be below my minimum and lose the class. For the sake of those dreamers, I had no choice but to unleash the Dunphy charm.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Paige Stevens.
Paige: Present.
Phil: Oh, we already did that part, and you nailed it. I read your essay last night. Whom did you study privately with?
Paige: I'm sorry?
Phil: Come, now, Paige. Your insight, your grasp of the vernacular. W-Was it Freemont? Or perhaps one of the Europeans? [German accent] Scharfenbrugen?
Paige: No.
Phil: [normal voice] Oh, of course not. He lives as a recluse. He hasn't taken students in years. iInhales deeply] I'm simply saying that your raw instincts may be the best thing to happen to real estate since the allowing of split commissions in 1994.
Serge: Didn't you tell us it was...
Phil: Can we for one moment have a break from the Serge show?! Just promise me that in a few short years when you become the next Fred Dunham, that you'll come visit us?

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: From there, it was a bit of flattery, a dash of encouragement, and Paige was turned.
[flashback:]
Phil: So, if I could paraphrase what our star pupil just pointed out, sometimes it's just a matter of finding the "dupe" in "duplex." [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And there it was again, that sweet music... 18 people laughing. I'll see you all next week.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Uh, Paige. [reading] "Mrs. Paige Dunphy"?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Curses. I'd over-wooed my wobbler.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Well, that was quite a little snitfit back there. Were you trying to embarrass me, or...?
Mitchell: Mm, is that even possible? The singing in the restaurants, your Herbal Essence audition during the massage?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, you're the one who should be embarrassed.
Mitchell: I am. Isn't that what we're fighting about?
Cameron: Look at you. You can't even put on your boxer-briefs in a men's locker room without your little terrycloth shame skirt.
Mitchell: [quietly] It's called modesty, Cam.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Where have you been all day?
Jay: I see what you're implying. Fine. Her name is Laura, she means nothing to me, and the only reason my wedding ring is off is 'cause I was afraid I would lose it in her dough. I'm sorry.
Gloria: What the hell are you talking about?
Jay: Couple of e-mails. Harmless stuff.
Gloria: "Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in." These are what you're worrying about? There's nothing there.
Jay: Yeah, Mitch and Cam were implying there was something weird going on.
Gloria: That's crazy. She's, like, 35 and gorgeous.
Jay: [laughing] Exactly. Although, I don't think you read that e-mail the only way it could have been read. I mean, it could've gone, [sultry voice] "Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in."
Gloria: Sounds like she knows about your bad back.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You're a good man. You have, like, a built-in alarm system. It keeps you in the right path.
Jay: Then why did you shoot me that look at school?
Gloria: It was meant for Joe. I worry that he doesn't have your strong conscience. I worry that he has my family genes where we can lie and lie and lie and lie without feeling one ounce of guilt.
Jay: Y-You don't lie to me, though, do you?
Gloria: Never.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Oh, good, you're okay.
Claire: I'm not that okay. I'm not a fan of this Paige. She's got some nerve.
Phil: So you're aware.
Claire: Oh, I'm aware. I'm aware that she has no problem putting her grubby, little paws all over something that doesn't belong to her.
Phil: I can see you're upset.
Claire: I am. I'm upset because I basically took the most boring thing in history and made it interesting. She thinks she can just come in here and just make it hers. No.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Can I go now?
Claire: Yeah. Oh, wait, honey. I like this girl for you. She deserves better than boxed wine. Haley keeps a nice bottle under her bed.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Paige, we have to talk. I-I may have sent some signals I didn't mean to send. Nonetheless, some of your behavior has been a little inappropriate, frankly, kind of disrespectful to my wife.
Claire: Oh, wait, hang on. Hang on. I changed my mind about that. I am not mad at you. All you did was take an interest in something that I should have dropped years ago.
Phil: Um, Claire.
Claire: And can I say something else? I'm all in favor of this relationship.
Phil: Claire?
Claire: I don't want to jinx it, but I think you could be exactly what he needs. I know, he may look like a man, but, honestly, in a lot of ways, he's still just a little boy. Complete mess in the bedroom. Although, here's a tip for you. He actually does respond well if you stay on top of him.
Paige: So, you're okay with...
Claire: Absolutely. As a certain U.S. president once said, "Let the era of good feelings commence."

Quote from Phil

Luke: [aside to camera] So, it turns out Paige was only making dinner for me so she could get close to my dad.
Phil: I am sorry, buddy, but I did warn everyone about the Dunphy charm.
Luke: It's also a little interesting that Paige's Realtor dad abandoned the family when she was 12.
Phil: Seems irrelevant.
Luke: He also dabbled in magic.
Phil: Now we're just having two separate conversations.
Luke: Did you know her last three boyfriends were 50?
Phil: Maybe spend a little less time with your nose in that psych book and a little more time being sexy.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Joe, what is this?
Joe: Just some notes from my friend Hannah.
Gloria: Friend? This doesn't sound to me like that. This is very flirty.
Jay: Let me see that. "Dear, Joe, want to share half my Fruit Roll-Up?" Well, this is just kids being kids.
Gloria: Ay, don't be a fool. [sultry voice] "Dear Joe, wanna share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"
Jay: That's a different spin on it. Where's that voice been? Try this one.
Gloria: "It was so fun running at recess." "Randy's rash is really gross."
Jay: Maybe we should go upstairs. Watch your movie, Joe.


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