Jay Pritchett's tales from decades in the closet industry.
Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.
Jay: [aside to camera] David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and Hutch." Now, one of my groovier closet ideas was a hutch for your skis that latched onto the end of your closet. I called it the "Storeski End Hutch." David Soul gave me a signed picture. Well, one day, the picture disappears and Earl plays innocent. But the whole time, he's had it. Ironically, this would've been a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch."
Jay: [aside to camera] Claire took the lead on her first project at the company and scored a big one. Best part is, she beat out that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton over at Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face. [laughs]
Cameron: [aside to camera] We're about to play for the city championship, and Jay here has been helping out.
Jay: I've been a team booster for years. Usually that means cutting a check from the Pritchett Cares Foundation. We support athletics and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets. It's a real path out.
Jay: [on video] 1946. An iron curtain was descending over Europe. But in Youngstown, Ohio, a child is born. While young Jay Pritchett was superstar athlete, he was also an artist who dreamed of revolutionizing an industry closets.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: He just couldn't let me have my day. He had to make it all about him. It was disgusting. Although the scene of him playing his father denying him a startup loan? Surprisingly powerful.
Jay: [on video] While America was doing the Hustle, Jay was hustling to build an empire, which is why one newspaper called him "the hardest working man in closets."
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That was an ad.
Jay: [on video] Who would've thought the company, built by that little boy, would one day be the toast of the international closet world? Congratulations. We did it.
Jay: You got to remember, this was the '60s. Competition in the closet game was fierce, everybody chasing after the next big storage idea. Historians remember this period as the "space race."
Jay: This is mine! I'm the one who came up with "Storeski End Hutch." Just like I came up with the "Dr. Quinn Medicine Cabinet." You were the hack! I was the visionary!
Jay: I remember my first big perk for a job well-done. I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "ALF." And six weeks later, I'm watching the show. There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman named Jay Pritchett. I still got it on Betamax.
Gloria: I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.
Jay: Does anybody else find that [ping pong game] distracting?
Mia: Actually, it's great for left-brain stimulation.
Claire: I got winner!
Mia: We don't keep score.
Man: [muffled] Watch out!
Jay: What the hell?!
Nick: You don't know about Zorbing? It promotes mind/body balance. It's kind of like the German version of Flerming.
Jay: Okay, that's it. Now, I'm about to introduce you squids to a little thing called back-breaking, soul-crushing hard work. How many heart attacks have you had here in the last five years? Zero? Where am I?! America loves closets, and I'm here to build them, damn it! And you get this [ping pong ball] back when I see people pull up in the morning crying in their cars.
Mitchell: Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Um, I got an offer to handle a case, but I'm a little worried about who it's for.
Jay: What's the matter now? Killing whales? Drilling for oil? Child labor? 'Cause let me tell you something. I had a paper route when I was 7 years old, and you know what it gave me? A work ethic and a right arm like Popeye.
Mitchell: No, dad, it- I'd be working for Closets, Closets, Closets-
Jay: Next word better not be closets.
Mitchell: Of course it's closets!
Jay: Now I'm confused. Are you talking about "Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets", or "Of Course It's Closets"? 'Cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter, and poor guy has a son who's not quite right.