Closets Closets Closets Closets
Jay Pritchett's tales from decades in the closet industry.
Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.
Jay: [aside to camera] Claire took the lead on her first project at the company and scored a big one. Best part is, she beat out that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton over at Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face. [laughs]
Cameron: [aside to camera] We're about to play for the city championship, and Jay here has been helping out.
Jay: I've been a team booster for years. Usually that means cutting a check from the Pritchett Cares Foundation. We support athletics and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets. It's a real path out.
Jay: [on video] 1946. An iron curtain was descending over Europe. But in Youngstown, Ohio, a child is born. While young Jay Pritchett was superstar athlete, he was also an artist who dreamed of revolutionizing an industry closets.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: He just couldn't let me have my day. He had to make it all about him. It was disgusting. Although the scene of him playing his father denying him a startup loan? Surprisingly powerful.
Jay: [on video] While America was doing the Hustle, Jay as hustling to build an empire, which is why one newspaper called him "the hardest working man in closets."
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That was an ad.
Jay: [on video] Who would've thought the company, built by that little boy, would one day be the toast of the international closet world? Congratulations. We did it.
Jay: I remember my first big perk for a job well-done. I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "ALF." And six weeks later, I'm watching the show. There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman named Jay Pritchett. I still got it on Betamax.
Gloria: I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.
Jay: Does anybody else find that [ping pong game] distracting?
Mia: Actually, it's great for left-brain stimulation.
Claire: I got winner!
Mia: We don't keep score.
Man: [muffled] Watch out!
Jay: What the hell?!
Nick: You don't know about Zorbing? It promotes mind/body balance. It's kind of like the German version of Flerming.
Jay: Okay, that's it. Now, I'm about to introduce you squids to a little thing called back-breaking, soul-crushing hard work. How many heart attacks have you had here in the last five years? Zero? Where am I?! America loves closets, and I'm here to build them, damn it! And you get this [ping pong ball] back when I see people pull up in the morning crying in their cars.
Mitchell: Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Um, I got an offer to handle a case, but I'm a little worried about who it's for.
Jay: What's the matter now? Killing whales? Drilling for oil? Child labor? 'Cause let me tell you something. I had a paper route when I was 7 years old, and you know what it gave me? A work ethic and a right arm like Popeye.
Mitchell: No, dad, it- I'd be working for Closets, Closets, Closets-
Jay: Next word better not be closets.
Mitchell: Of course it's closets!
Jay: Now I'm confused. Are you talking about "Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets", or "Of Course It's Closets"? 'Cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter, and poor guy has a son who's not quite right.
Jay: Earl Chambers is a liar and a backstabber who betrayed me and never apologized.
Gloria: Jay, please. It's just closets.
Jay: I wish it was Just Closets. I respect those guys.
Mitchell: How could you? I trusted you. I defended you to my father, and you made me look like a fool! And all for what? Closets.
Jay: You mean the place that people start each day, choosing an outfit that gives them the confidence to achieve their dreams?
Earl Chambers: Or that magical space that turns a bonus room into a bedroom and a house into a home?
Jay: Well, thanks to cheap materials, your closets turn a house into a fire trap!
Earl Chambers: We pleaded no contest. That is not an admission of guilt.
Jay: I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.
Claire: Uncle Ned's Cookies wants me to be their CEO.
Jay: What?! You're considering Uncle Ned's?! Are you on reefer?!
Claire: That company has tremendous growth potential.
Jay: It's snacks! This is closets! You're already at the show!
Claire: At least there, I can be the boss and not just the boss's daughter.
Jay: Is this the part where I apologize for handing you a company Closet Fancy once called "top shelf"?!
Jay: [aside to camera] I've waited a year for this day: the annual trade association scratch bowling tournament. Last year, we lost to our biggest rival. Frazier had Ali, Pritchett's Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It's a stupid name, but those cats can bowl.
Jay: Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot! [tires screech]
Alex: You're just gonna park that right there?
Jay: I did the closets for head of surgery here. I'm untouchable.
Gloria: Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed.
Jay: I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting to hear about closets...
Manny: O-Okay, stop. Why are you mentioning closets?
Gloria: Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. If there was a closet hall of fame, you would be in it.
Jay: If? What do you think we were doing that weekend in Corning, New York?
Claire: All right, Dad, we're ready for you. Just give us five minutes.
Jay: Seems like a waste of time, but go ahead.
Claire: Closet, but no cigar.
Haley: Why? Because we closet.
Cameron: I'll have what she's closet.
Luke: [as Forrest Gump] Mama always said "Life is like a box of closets."
Manny: On your mark, get set, closet.
Phil: Let's get ready to closet!
Gloria: [imitating Scarface] Say hello to my little closet.
Jay: Damn it. They're all good.
Gloria: Stop it! Sit down! This is crazy. You two need to be friends. You're the only two people in the world that care so much about closets. This is silly!
Jay: I guess those angled shelves that display all your precious shoes are silly.
Earl: Or the rotating tie rack that helps a brain surgeon save valuable seconds, and, just maybe, a life.
Jay: You fought me every step of the way on that.
Earl: Because the technology wasn't there yet. People were gonna get hurt!
Jay: You're skipping out on ClosetCon?
Claire: Who told you that?
Jay: Ben. That little weasel told me everything. Listen, I can tolerate shutting down the blinds, even Rod Bushmill, but not showing up for ClosetCon, you're asking not to be taken seriously. My God, Claire! We're one strong season away from being invited to Expo Internationale Du Closets!
Claire: Hey, Dad, you know Hugh Duncan from Just Closets?
Jay: That pretentious half-Brit that refers to closets as "wardrobes"?
Claire: He died.
Jay: Son of a gun. I always liked him.
Featuring quotes from the episodes:
- 416. Bad Hair Day
- 520. Australia
- 605. Won't You Be Our Neighbor
- 617. Closet? You'll Love It!
- 703. The Closet Case
- 716. The Cover-Up
- 718. The Party
- 720. Promposal
- 901. Lake Life
- 910. No Small Feet
- 912. Dear Beloved Family
- 1003. A Sketchy Area
- 1008. Kids These Days
- 1016. Red Alert
- 1018. Stand By Your Man