Claire: [aside to camera] I just got my first perk as C.E.O. of Pritchett's Closets. I finished a big job for a spa, and as a thank-you, they sent me a free weekend for two. Phil's too ticklish for massages, though.
Gloria: But I am not! I heard it's the place where all the stars go to get hot mud poured into their faces.
Claire: I just can't wait to see this one without makeup. [chuckles]
Gloria: You do, it will be the last thing that you will ever see.

Jay: I remember my first big perk for a job well-done. I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "ALF." And six weeks later, I'm watching the show. There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman named Jay Pritchett. I still got it on Betamax.
Gloria: I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.

Phil: [aside to camera] I don't know why, but I've never tried marijuana.
Mitchell: No. No, me neither. Th- There was always something stopping me: needing to take care of Lily, the figure-skating honor code, not wanting to accidentally tell everyone in high school I was gay.
Phil: People never offered it to me, which is weird because in college, I was kind of a big man on campus. I founded a major organization, the National Association of Responsible Cheerleaders.
Mitchell: Uh, NARCs.
Phil: Yeah.

Manny: I think I'm gonna take the deal.
Luke: No! You cave, we don't stand a chance with those exchange students. Those girls don't respect weak, little nerds afraid of being punished by their mommies. They've lived through wars.
Manny: They're from Portugal!

Gloria: There is my favorite girl! I'm so excited about our spa weekend!
Claire: Oh, me too.
Manny: If you think of it while you're there, I'm dangerously low on sunscreen powder.
Jay: Powder?
Manny: You know, you won't be smirking 10 years from now when your face looks like an old apple.

Gloria: Ah, there's something so relaxing about a bowl of green apples. I already forgot all my problems.
Claire: [closes closet drawer] Did you hear that?
Gloria: What?
Claire: Exactly. We used WhisperQuiet gliders in all the drawers. Oh, really cuts down on C.N. It's industry jargon for "closet noise."
Gloria: Does that technology work on people, too?

Jay: What happened?
Don: Damn it! O'Brien knocked him out!
Cameron: Already?
Jay: We missed the whole thing!
Waitress: We're backed up in the kitchen. Sorry, guys. Your food's gonna be a while.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I thought about leaving, but I didn't want to make Jay feel bad.
[separately to camera:]
Jay: I had a sandwich coming.

Haley: Oh, hey, guys.
Phil: Hey, cupcake! [whispering] Do I call her "cupcake"?
Mitchell: [whispering] Don't worry, I'll make it normal. [normal voice] What's going on, cupcake?
Haley: Are you guys okay?
Phil: Yeah. Yeah, we're okay. Why wouldn't we be okay?
Mitchell: Cupcake.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I was so drunk, I thought they were stoned.

Gloria: What is that?
Claire: That is the sound of a party, Gloria, huh?
Gloria: Ay, Manny!
Manny: [to Luke] Tomorrow's gonna be one awkward mother/son mambo class.

Claire: Oh, I knew it! I knew these two were up to something. What do you think about your precious Manny now, huh?
Gloria: I am sure it was Luke's idea! But do not give up on him yet. I know that there is a camp up in the mountains where you can send bad kids.
Manny: No, it was my idea, too. I'm the one who set off the smoke alarm. I'm the one who bribed Lily with soda. I'm the one who put a red light bulb in the laundry room to give it a sexy vibe. You've got to stop thinking of me as your perfect little boy.