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‘The Party’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: The Party

718. The Party

Aired April 6, 2016

Manny and Luke are left at home to babysit Lily when the adults pair off and enjoy a day to themselves. Claire and Gloria take a spa day, Phil and Mitchell geek out at the movie theater, and Jay and Cameron go to a sports bar to watch the big fight. When a fire alarm goes off back at the house, Claire is convinced the boys are throwing a party.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: [aside to camera] I just got my first perk as C.E.O. of Pritchett's Closets. I finished a big job for a spa, and as a thank-you, they sent me a free weekend for two. Phil's too ticklish for massages, though.
Gloria: But I am not! I heard it's the place where all the stars go to get hot mud poured into their faces.
Claire: I just can't wait to see this one without makeup. [chuckles]
Gloria: You do, it will be the last thing that you will ever see.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: I remember my first big perk for a job well-done. I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "ALF." And six weeks later, I'm watching the show. There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman named Jay Pritchett. I still got it on Betamax.
Gloria: I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I don't know why, but I've never tried marijuana.
Mitchell: No. No, me neither. Th- There was always something stopping me: needing to take care of Lily, the figure-skating honor code, not wanting to accidentally tell everyone in high school I was gay.
Phil: People never offered it to me, which is weird because in college, I was kind of a big man on campus. I founded a major organization, the National Association of Responsible Cheerleaders.
Mitchell: Uh, NARCs.
Phil: Yeah.

Quote from Luke

Manny: I think I'm gonna take the deal.
Luke: No! You cave, we don't stand a chance with those exchange students. Those girls don't respect weak, little nerds afraid of being punished by their mommies. They've lived through wars.
Manny: They're from Portugal!

Quote from Manny

Gloria: There is my favorite girl! I'm so excited about our spa weekend!
Claire: Oh, me too.
Manny: If you think of it while you're there, I'm dangerously low on sunscreen powder.
Jay: Powder?
Manny: You know, you won't be smirking 10 years from now when your face looks like an old apple.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ah, there's something so relaxing about a bowl of green apples. I already forgot all my problems.
Claire: [closes closet drawer] Did you hear that?
Gloria: What?
Claire: Exactly. We used WhisperQuiet gliders in all the drawers. Oh, really cuts down on C.N. It's industry jargon for "closet noise."
Gloria: Does that technology work on people, too?

Quote from Jay

Jay: What happened?
Don: Damn it! O'Brien knocked him out!
Cameron: Already?
Jay: We missed the whole thing!
Waitress: We're backed up in the kitchen. Sorry, guys. Your food's gonna be a while.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I thought about leaving, but I didn't want to make Jay feel bad.
[separately to camera:]
Jay: I had a sandwich coming.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, hey, guys.
Phil: Hey, cupcake! [whispering] Do I call her "cupcake"?
Mitchell: [whispering] Don't worry, I'll make it normal. [normal voice] What's going on, cupcake?
Haley: Are you guys okay?
Phil: Yeah. Yeah, we're okay. Why wouldn't we be okay?
Mitchell: Cupcake.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I was so drunk, I thought they were stoned.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: What is that?
Claire: That is the sound of a party, Gloria, huh?
Gloria: Ay, Manny!
Manny: [to Luke] Tomorrow's gonna be one awkward mother/son mambo class.

Quote from Manny

Claire: Oh, I knew it! I knew these two were up to something. What do you think about your precious Manny now, huh?
Gloria: I am sure it was Luke's idea! But do not give up on him yet. I know that there is a camp up in the mountains where you can send bad kids.
Manny: No, it was my idea, too. I'm the one who set off the smoke alarm. I'm the one who bribed Lily with soda. I'm the one who put a red light bulb in the laundry room to give it a sexy vibe. You've got to stop thinking of me as your perfect little boy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I had the perfect night planned. Alone, pay-per-view boxing. The pride of Ireland versus a Cuban sensation. In the ring and in my bloodstream. Then Gloria and Mitchell got involved.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I don't know what it is, but Jay gets uncomfortable when it's just the two of us. And then I get uncomfortable, and I feel like I have to say something.
[flashback:]
Cameron: [to Jay] Today's Hitler's birthday.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, Lily, you sure you don't want to go to the movies with us? Last chance.
Lily: What is it about again?
Mitchell: The Defenders of Infinity are heroes from several different time streams that make their way into the future without-
Phil: Um, it's not really the future since the streams have always coexisted.
Mitchell: Don't do that. Don't treat me like I'm a lobotomorph.

Quote from Lily

Luke: Oh, and don't worry. Lily's babysitters have a big night planned: puzzles, ping-pong, board games.
Lily: Are we still in that "let Manny win or he cries" phase?
Manny: No.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: We should get going. Are we taking separate time streams?
Phil: Sure, if we want to get there yesterday.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Think about it. They were very eager to get us out of the house. They're up to something.
Gloria: You are too suspicious.
Claire: And you are too trusting! Luke's already been arrested this year. A few weeks ago, we caught him with beer. Even that's a better rap.
Gloria: I'm hearing a lot of Luke's name and none of Manny.
Claire: You don't think Manny's up to the same things when you're not paying attention?
Gloria: You're crazy. Manny hates beer.
Claire: A fruity Beaujolais then.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: You can do whatever you want. I'm gonna go check on my kid.
Gloria: [closes closet drawer] I hate how good those gliders are!

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: I am so excited. I feel like a teenager.
Phil: Me too. Although, as Torf the Ancient, I have seen everything from the Great Star Explosion to the Seven Moon Alliance. Claire was right. No girls.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: I sold this cool cat a house in the hills last year. Since then, his bluegrass band has really taken off.
James: It's so crazy. We started doing it ironically, and before we knew it, we were actually doing it for real.
Mitchell: That happened to me in the '90s with saying, "Exsqueeze me."

Quote from Phil

James: Hey, if you really want to be blown away, I've got two special gummy bears you can have.
Phil: Just one for each of us?
James: Believe me. One is all you need.
Mitchell: I guess we can get more at the concession stand.
James: No, they don't sell gummy bears like these here.
Both: Ohhh.
Phil: You get extra cool ones from Europe or something.
James: Guys, how are you not getting this? It's pot.
Both: Ohhhh.

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