Claire: Honey, there's no one there.
Phil: There was. I saw girl bumps and hair.
Claire: It was probably just his Chewbacca doll.
Phil: It's not a doll. It's a plush action figure.
Claire: Well, as long as he's sleeping with that thing, it's the only action he's gettin'.

Gloria: Why did you get him so mad? I need him in a good mood. I need to ask him to go with me next week to Juárez to my cousin's wedding.
Manny: Is that safe?
Gloria: Of course not. The invitation says "Short run to the reception."

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Pepper's parties are as fun as they are confusing. Okay, stay with me on this one. Gender Blender Broadway Brunch. You dress as a Broadway character of the opposite sex, and there's no solid food. It's a perfect party if you're a show queen with a broken jaw.

Gloria: [aside to camera] It's not easy to get Jay to do what I want, so sometimes I have to use my secret weapon. But when I'm too tired for that, I just play one of the movies that make him cry like a baby.
[flashback:]
Jay: Is this "Rudy"? Oh, I love this movie.
Gloria: You do? Jay, I got us tickets to the ballet, but I know that you're golfing on Sunday.
Jay: Whatever you want. You know, Rudy was small, [voice breaking] but he had a big heart.

Jay: Of course I have the agendas, Claire. I was just trying to prove a point. I mean, what do you need those things for, anyway? Agendas. They're crutches. They're for the weak. You think the founding fathers wrote down an agenda?
Claire: Well, isn't the Declaration of Inde-
Jay: A leader leads, not reads. You go into that meeting with a bunch of agendas, you're asking for their approval. "Like me! Like me! Like me!" I say "No"! How many times have I told you, the first rule of being a good boss is "You don't need your employees to be your friends." You need them to respect you!
Claire: Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear.
Jay: I'm just doing my job. Yeah. Just trust your gut, kid. Double-click on yourself.

Phil: What smells so good?
Alex: I'm making my favorite lasagna for my own "Welcome Home" dinner.
Phil: Uh-huh. Can I ask you a question?
Alex: What?
Phil: Do you think it's possible that your brother snuck a girl in here last night?
Alex: I wouldn't be too surprised. So you think he's- T- That they've been-
Alex: Oh, come on, Dad. Don't be so naive. We were all 17 once. It's not like we all...
[Phil is silent as Alex backs out of the room. aside to camera:]
Phil: I sat there like that for 20 minutes. And then I got some more awful news.

[aside to camera:]
Phil: To be honest, I don't know why I was so upset. I knew I was supposed to be mad, but I couldn't figure out why, so I just started saying a bunch of stuff.
[flashback:]
Phil: Under my roof?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That was weird.
[back:]
Phil: In a bed that I paid for?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What does that have to do with anything?
[back:]
Phil: With your grandfather watching?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What? But it wasn't half as crazy as what I really wanted to yell, which was "Just stop growing up!"

Claire: [v.o.] Sometimes, you have one of those days where you are surrounded by people but you still feel pretty lonely. All you want to do is go home to the comfort of your family. But sometimes, even your family can't give you that comfort. Because it turns out they've all had one of those days, too. All you can do is wait for days like that to be over so you can go to bed and hope you wake up to a better tomorrow.

Phil: Claire. There's a girl in Luke's bed.
Claire: Where's Luke?
Phil: With the girl! ... Should we just make a noise and scare her off?
Claire: Is it a girl or a possum?

Lily: Don't say "no" right away, but picture me with these.
Mitchell: Sweetie, you're 8 years old. Give your body time to develop.
Lily: These curls! I want a perm!
Mitchell: Take it from someone who had a perm at your age, you don't.