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‘Double Click’ Quotes

Modern Family: Double Click

722. Double Click

Aired May 18, 2016

Claire searches for the right time to fire one of her employees, while Jay struggles to make himself useful as he returns to the company. Phil thinks he caught Luke with a girl in his bed. Cameron and Mitchell try to divvy up their time with Lily as Cameron prepares to return to Missouri for a summer job.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Honey, there's no one there.
Phil: There was. I saw girl bumps and hair.
Claire: It was probably just his Chewbacca doll.
Phil: It's not a doll. It's a plush action figure.
Claire: Well, as long as he's sleeping with that thing, it's the only action he's gettin'.

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Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why did you get him so mad? I need him in a good mood. I need to ask him to go with me next week to Juárez to my cousin's wedding.
Manny: Is that safe?
Gloria: Of course not. The invitation says "Short run to the reception."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Pepper's parties are as fun as they are confusing. Okay, stay with me on this one. Gender Blender Broadway Brunch. You dress as a Broadway character of the opposite sex, and there's no solid food. It's a perfect party if you're a show queen with a broken jaw.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] It's not easy to get Jay to do what I want, so sometimes I have to use my secret weapon. But when I'm too tired for that, I just play one of the movies that make him cry like a baby.
[flashback:]
Jay: Is this "Rudy"? Oh, I love this movie.
Gloria: You do? Jay, I got us tickets to the ballet, but I know that you're golfing on Sunday.
Jay: Whatever you want. You know, Rudy was small, [voice breaking] but he had a big heart.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Of course I have the agendas, Claire. I was just trying to prove a point. I mean, what do you need those things for, anyway? Agendas. They're crutches. They're for the weak. You think the founding fathers wrote down an agenda?
Claire: Well, isn't the Declaration of Inde-
Jay: A leader leads, not reads. You go into that meeting with a bunch of agendas, you're asking for their approval. "Like me! Like me! Like me!" I say "No"! How many times have I told you, the first rule of being a good boss is "You don't need your employees to be your friends." You need them to respect you!
Claire: Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear.
Jay: I'm just doing my job. Yeah. Just trust your gut, kid. Double-click on yourself.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Claire. There's a girl in Luke's bed.
Claire: Where's Luke?
Phil: With the girl! ... Should we just make a noise and scare her off?
Claire: Is it a girl or a possum?

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Don't say "no" right away, but picture me with these.
Mitchell: Sweetie, you're 8 years old. Give your body time to develop.
Lily: These curls! I want a perm!
Mitchell: Take it from someone who had a perm at your age, you don't.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] I got a job this summer as an assistant defensive coordinator for the Missouri State football team. Go, Bears! I'm going home.
Mitchell: And I have been crazy with work, which means Lily will be going back and forth between the two of us. It has been a little tense putting together a time-share agreement, though.
Cameron: I haven't been making it tense. You're the one who treats our daughter like she's a vacation property in Aruba.
Mitchell: Maybe you should be promoted to very defensive coordinator.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I never would have agreed to give up 4th of July, and now I'm worried he's trying to trick me out of Biscuit Bonanza.
Rich: B-Biscuit Bonanza?
Cameron: It's what it sounds like. It's a biscuit-baking competition, and then you see who can throw theirs the furthest.
Mitchell: May I present Exhibit "A"?
[recording on Mitchell's phone:]
Cameron: That's fine, Mitchell. I don't care about 4th of July, as long as I get Lily for Biscuit Bonanza.
Lily: Biscuit Bonanza?!
Cameron: Yeah. It's what it sounds like. It's a biscuit-baking...

Quote from Manny

Jay: I want to use all caps to get across how angry I am, but it takes forever to press "shift" before each letter.
Manny: Why don't you just put on the caps lock?
Jay: You can do that?
Manny: [chuckles] Oh, Jay. Just double-click here.
Jay: Didn't work.
Manny: Well, that's because you didn't double-click. You just clicked twice.
Jay: The hell's the difference?
Manny: Double-click. See?
Jay: That's exactly what I did. Double click.
Manny: No, you're still just clicking twice. Listen to me -- "Double-click." Not "Double click."
Jay: I'm not an idiot. Double-click!
Manny: You can't possibly think that's the same thing!
Jay: It's the exact same thing!
Manny: Double-click!
Jay: Double-click!
Manny: Oh, what the-
[aside to camera:]
Manny: It's the first time I've ever used the F-word.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Joe, what are all these cartoons? Now all of Mommy's movies are gone!
Joe: Manny did it.
Manny: What am I supposed to do when I babysit this guy? Make conversation? The kid has two stories.
Joe: Look. I'm a tree.
Manny: That's the good one.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [answering phone] Hello?
Jay: How do you work a copy machine?
Manny: You can't be serious.
Jay: I need to make 12 double-sided copies. It's an impossible task.
Manny: Can't you just ask someone for help?
Jay: I made a big deal out of coming back here to work. I'd like to appear useful. Wait. On the screen, there's an exclamation mark. Is that good?
Manny: I don't think it means it's excited about what's happening. Did you put the original in the tray?
Jay: Tray? You mean like a serving tray?
Manny: Yes, Jay. I want you to put papers in a serving tray. How have you remained alive?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Andy. Hey. Hold on a sec. Um, I know we didn't get to finish our talk earlier, because of Alex's surprise pop-in. [Alex leaves] Listen. If you're not taking that job in Utah because of me, you're making a mistake. I love you and me together, but it would break my heart if I was the reason you gave up this dream career opportunity, because, honestly, I don't know how much of a future there is here. But if our bond is as strong as we think it is we'll work our way back to each other.
Andy: Okay.
Haley: What he said.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What smells so good?
Alex: I'm making my favorite lasagna for my own "Welcome Home" dinner.
Phil: Uh-huh. Can I ask you a question?
Alex: What?
Phil: Do you think it's possible that your brother snuck a girl in here last night?
Alex: I wouldn't be too surprised. So you think he's- T- That they've been-
Alex: Oh, come on, Dad. Don't be so naive. We were all 17 once. It's not like we all...
[Phil is silent as Alex backs out of the room. aside to camera:]
Phil: I sat there like that for 20 minutes. And then I got some more awful news.

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: To be honest, I don't know why I was so upset. I knew I was supposed to be mad, but I couldn't figure out why, so I just started saying a bunch of stuff.
[flashback:]
Phil: Under my roof?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That was weird.
[back:]
Phil: In a bed that I paid for?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What does that have to do with anything?
[back:]
Phil: With your grandfather watching?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What? But it wasn't half as crazy as what I really wanted to yell, which was "Just stop growing up!"

Quote from Haley

Andy: So, this is the end of the line.
Haley: No. No! I told you! You're gonna come visit, I'll come there-
Andy: No. I meant security.
Haley: Oh.
Andy: So none of that messy stuff, because this is not goodbye goodbye.
Haley: Yeah. We'll leave the drama to those two.
Andy: "Promise me you won't forget me, my darling."
Haley: "I'll love you until this pantsuit comes back in style."
Andy: "I don't regret a single minute I've spent with you."
Haley: "I think you're the first man I've ever loved."
Andy: Not a single minute.
Haley: [voice breaking] You really are the first.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [v.o.] Sometimes, you have one of those days where you are surrounded by people but you still feel pretty lonely. All you want to do is go home to the comfort of your family. But sometimes, even your family can't give you that comfort. Because it turns out they've all had one of those days, too. All you can do is wait for days like that to be over so you can go to bed and hope you wake up to a better tomorrow.


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