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41Quotes from ‘Double Click’

Modern Family: Double Click

722. Double Click

Aired May 18, 2016

Claire searches for the right time to fire one of her employees, while Jay struggles to make himself useful as he returns to the company. Phil thinks he caught Luke with a girl in his bed. Cameron and Mitchell try to divvy up their time with Lily as Cameron prepares to return to Missouri for a summer job.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Honey, there's no one there.
Phil: There was. I saw girl bumps and hair.
Claire: It was probably just his Chewbacca doll.
Phil: It's not a doll. It's a plush action figure.
Claire: Well, as long as he's sleeping with that thing, it's the only action he's gettin'.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why did you get him so mad? I need him in a good mood. I need to ask him to go with me next week to Juárez to my cousin's wedding.
Manny: Is that safe?
Gloria: Of course not. The invitation says "Short run to the reception."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Pepper's parties are as fun as they are confusing. Okay, stay with me on this one. Gender Blender Broadway Brunch. You dress as a Broadway character of the opposite sex, and there's no solid food. It's a perfect party if you're a show queen with a broken jaw.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] It's not easy to get Jay to do what I want, so sometimes I have to use my secret weapon. But when I'm too tired for that, I just play one of the movies that make him cry like a baby.
[flashback:]
Jay: Is this "Rudy"? Oh, I love this movie.
Gloria: You do? Jay, I got us tickets to the ballet, but I know that you're golfing on Sunday.
Jay: Whatever you want. You know, Rudy was small, [voice breaking] but he had a big heart.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Of course I have the agendas, Claire. I was just trying to prove a point. I mean, what do you need those things for, anyway? Agendas. They're crutches. They're for the weak. You think the founding fathers wrote down an agenda?
Claire: Well, isn't the Declaration of Inde-
Jay: A leader leads, not reads. You go into that meeting with a bunch of agendas, you're asking for their approval. "Like me! Like me! Like me!" I say "No"! How many times have I told you, the first rule of being a good boss is "You don't need your employees to be your friends." You need them to respect you!
Claire: Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear.
Jay: I'm just doing my job. Yeah. Just trust your gut, kid. Double-click on yourself.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Claire. There's a girl in Luke's bed.
Claire: Where's Luke?
Phil: With the girl! ... Should we just make a noise and scare her off?
Claire: Is it a girl or a possum?

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Don't say "no" right away, but picture me with these.
Mitchell: Sweetie, you're 8 years old. Give your body time to develop.
Lily: These curls! I want a perm!
Mitchell: Take it from someone who had a perm at your age, you don't.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] I got a job this summer as an assistant defensive coordinator for the Missouri State football team. Go, Bears! I'm going home.
Mitchell: And I have been crazy with work, which means Lily will be going back and forth between the two of us. It has been a little tense putting together a time-share agreement, though.
Cameron: I haven't been making it tense. You're the one who treats our daughter like she's a vacation property in Aruba.
Mitchell: Maybe you should be promoted to very defensive coordinator.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I never would have agreed to give up 4th of July, and now I'm worried he's trying to trick me out of Biscuit Bonanza.
Rich: B-Biscuit Bonanza?
Cameron: It's what it sounds like. It's a biscuit-baking competition, and then you see who can throw theirs the furthest.
Mitchell: May I present Exhibit "A"?
[recording on Mitchell's phone:]
Cameron: That's fine, Mitchell. I don't care about 4th of July, as long as I get Lily for Biscuit Bonanza.
Lily: Biscuit Bonanza?!
Cameron: Yeah. It's what it sounds like. It's a biscuit-baking...

Quote from Manny

Jay: I want to use all caps to get across how angry I am, but it takes forever to press "shift" before each letter.
Manny: Why don't you just put on the caps lock?
Jay: You can do that?
Manny: [chuckles] Oh, Jay. Just double-click here.
Jay: Didn't work.
Manny: Well, that's because you didn't double-click. You just clicked twice.
Jay: The hell's the difference?
Manny: Double-click. See?
Jay: That's exactly what I did. Double click.
Manny: No, you're still just clicking twice. Listen to me -- "Double-click." Not "Double click."
Jay: I'm not an idiot. Double-click!
Manny: You can't possibly think that's the same thing!
Jay: It's the exact same thing!
Manny: Double-click!
Jay: Double-click!
Manny: Oh, what the-
[aside to camera:]
Manny: It's the first time I've ever used the F-word.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Joe, what are all these cartoons? Now all of Mommy's movies are gone!
Joe: Manny did it.
Manny: What am I supposed to do when I babysit this guy? Make conversation? The kid has two stories.
Joe: Look. I'm a tree.
Manny: That's the good one.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [answering phone] Hello?
Jay: How do you work a copy machine?
Manny: You can't be serious.
Jay: I need to make 12 double-sided copies. It's an impossible task.
Manny: Can't you just ask someone for help?
Jay: I made a big deal out of coming back here to work. I'd like to appear useful. Wait. On the screen, there's an exclamation mark. Is that good?
Manny: I don't think it means it's excited about what's happening. Did you put the original in the tray?
Jay: Tray? You mean like a serving tray?
Manny: Yes, Jay. I want you to put papers in a serving tray. How have you remained alive?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Andy. Hey. Hold on a sec. Um, I know we didn't get to finish our talk earlier, because of Alex's surprise pop-in. [Alex leaves] Listen. If you're not taking that job in Utah because of me, you're making a mistake. I love you and me together, but it would break my heart if I was the reason you gave up this dream career opportunity, because, honestly, I don't know how much of a future there is here. But if our bond is as strong as we think it is we'll work our way back to each other.
Andy: Okay.
Haley: What he said.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What smells so good?
Alex: I'm making my favorite lasagna for my own "Welcome Home" dinner.
Phil: Uh-huh. Can I ask you a question?
Alex: What?
Phil: Do you think it's possible that your brother snuck a girl in here last night?
Alex: I wouldn't be too surprised. So you think he's- T- That they've been-
Alex: Oh, come on, Dad. Don't be so naive. We were all 17 once. It's not like we all...
[Phil is silent as Alex backs out of the room. aside to camera:]
Phil: I sat there like that for 20 minutes. And then I got some more awful news.

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: To be honest, I don't know why I was so upset. I knew I was supposed to be mad, but I couldn't figure out why, so I just started saying a bunch of stuff.
[flashback:]
Phil: Under my roof?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That was weird.
[back:]
Phil: In a bed that I paid for?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What does that have to do with anything?
[back:]
Phil: With your grandfather watching?!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What? But it wasn't half as crazy as what I really wanted to yell, which was "Just stop growing up!"

Quote from Haley

Andy: So, this is the end of the line.
Haley: No. No! I told you! You're gonna come visit, I'll come there-
Andy: No. I meant security.
Haley: Oh.
Andy: So none of that messy stuff, because this is not goodbye goodbye.
Haley: Yeah. We'll leave the drama to those two.
Andy: "Promise me you won't forget me, my darling."
Haley: "I'll love you until this pantsuit comes back in style."
Andy: "I don't regret a single minute I've spent with you."
Haley: "I think you're the first man I've ever loved."
Andy: Not a single minute.
Haley: [voice breaking] You really are the first.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [v.o.] Sometimes, you have one of those days where you are surrounded by people but you still feel pretty lonely. All you want to do is go home to the comfort of your family. But sometimes, even your family can't give you that comfort. Because it turns out they've all had one of those days, too. All you can do is wait for days like that to be over so you can go to bed and hope you wake up to a better tomorrow.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm so relieved. I wasn't ready for that. You thought you saw something that wasn't there.
Claire: It's dark, and we shared an entire bottle of wine.
Phil: It is dark. I didn't see you do air quotes around "shared."

Quote from Phil

Phil: All right. These contracts are good to go. All that's left is the inspection.
Andy: Already scheduled it.
Phil: Andy, if I could bottle you up and put you into a cologne, you know what I'd call it? "Initiative." The black-and-white commercial would have models turning into panthers. "Initiative -- a unisex fragrance from California."

Quote from Alex

Alex: Hey!
Phil: Hey! What are you doing home?
Alex: Are you serious? School's out. I'm home for the summer. You knew this.
Phil: Must have slipped my mind. I'm so glad you're back.
Alex: That's it? Sanjay's parents are throwing him a three-day "Welcome Home" party. They even made him a suit out of marigolds.

Quote from Andy

Luke: [whistling]
Andy: Someone woke up in a good mood. And there is only one reason a teenage boy is ever like that.
Phil: Yep, because it's Family Camp training day!
Andy: Oh, I was gonna say, "The Harlem Globetrotters must be in town." Luke and I are training for the big Famcathlon. You're, uh, carb-loading. Good idea, buddy!
Andy: Hungry dude.
Phil: Hungry for Family Camp!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, what do you think of my airplane outfit? When I land in Missouri, I want to blend right in.
Mitchell: With what? A jug band?

Quote from Jay

Manny: Isn't it your first day back working with Claire?
Jay: I got to get this e-mail out first to a store that got my order wrong. Do I look like a guy who would wear a shirt with pineapples all over it?
Manny: Kinda.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What are the odds the valet slid the seat back because of my weirdly short arms?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey!
Dom: Good to have you back, Jay!
Jay: Good to be back, buddy. [to Claire] Little trick of the trade. When you don't know somebody's name, you call 'em "buddy."

Quote from Jay

Jay: So, the old office, huh?
Claire: Mm.
Jay: I see you got the lamp over there now. I tried it there once. You'll see. [chuckles]

Quote from Jay

Jay: So, what are we working on? Quarterly reports?
Claire: Actually, no. This is a personnel file. I have to fire Neal today.
Jay: Neal?
Claire: Yeah. Neal. Works in the warehouse, loves Canada, heavyset fella.
Jay: Oh, you mean "Big Buddy."

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] That "buddy" stuff may have worked for my dad, but I wanted a more personal touch when I took over. I wanted this to be a fun place to work, so I had an arcade dance game installed in the warehouse. I figure you give them a little sugar, takes the edge off when you have to fire someone like...
[flashback:]
All: [chanting] Neal! Neal! Neal!
Claire: What is going on?
Ben: Dude, Neal is tearing it up on this dance machine. Check out his score.
Claire: Wow! He's pretty quick on that thing.
Ben: Oh, don't worry, Claire. He's never gonna beat your record. You've had that for months.No one's even come close.
Claire: Oh, I'm not worried about that.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I couldn't fire Neal. It would look like I was only doing it to get back at him for beating my record. So I had no choice. I had to beat Neal's score.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: [voice breaking] Are you hungry?
Lily: What's wrong? Is it Whitney Houston's birthday again?

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: A tiny but noticeable red mark on his neck? I'm not an idiot. Someone's been practicing his orange grip.
[back:]
Phil: Pick up the pace! This is where we make up for your mom being so bad at Hula-Hooping. Shoot!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: [holding a woman's shoe] I randomly found this in a bush under Luke's window. Alex probably asked Haley to borrow them, Haley threw the pair, Alex caught one, the other one flew out the window, phone call came, they forgot. Girls.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Oh, hey. What are you doing home?
Alex: [scoffs] Being crushed over and over by family members.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look, I'm not sure everything I said here makes sense, but just be careful and respectful. And you did break a big rule, so no car privileges for a month.
Luke: I don't need it anyway. I just got dumped.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: We sat there like that for 20 minutes.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: I was going to ask you to go to Juárez with me next week for my cousin's wedding, but I know that you don't want to go, so I'll go alone.
Joe: You're really not gonna go?
Jay: Well, you heard her. She's fine going alone.
Joe: If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with her, you'll regret it. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Jay: What did you say? Is that "Casablanca"?
Joe: It doesn't take much to see the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday, you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Lily, look. Daddy made us all this food. "Heat for 20 minutes. Love me for the rest of time." Aww.
Lily: "The sun will come out tamales."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! What are you guys doing here?
Mitchell: We spent the whole day thinking about ourselves, and then realized you've spent the whole day thinking about us, too. So I brought you something take to Missouri.
Lily: I'm coming with you, Daddy!
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! I get to keep her for the whole summer?
Mitchell: Yeah!
Cameron: But won't you miss her?
Mitchell: No. No. Because I'm coming, too!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, what about work?
Mitchell: Well, I figure I could work from there, and, you know, fly back when I need to. Think I could use a summer of smelling fresh biscuits. And, apparently, throwing them.
Cameron: Well, look who thinks he's gonna qualify his first year.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil. Phil, I think I hear something in Luke's room.
Phil: Again?
[Phil goes to Luke's room, where the kids are all waiting with suitcases]
Phil: What?
Haley: We know how much you love Family Camp.
Phil: But it was canceled, and I thought you were all kind of over it.
Luke: We may be over it, but we're not over us.
Alex: What do you think about Family Camp 2.0?
Claire: Yeah, Phil, come on. Cab's gonna be here any minute. Don't you have some packing to do? Why are we always waiting on you?
Phil: I don't know where I'm packing for, but I love this!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on answer phone] Hey, boss. It's Dad. I know I just started back, but I'm taking a couple of days off, if that's okay. And if not, too bad. I'm in Juárez!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on answer phone] Hey, Dad. It's Mitch. Uh, I'm in Missouri with Cam. No, it's not a hostage situation.
Anyway, uh, can you swing by our place and water our plants? Oh, and don't forget about the Ficus in the bedroom. I know how much you love to go in there.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on answer phone] Hey! It's your big sis, ya big sis. So, we all flew to New York this morning. Thank God Dad came back to work. He can cover for me. Anyway, listen, I think I left the back door unlocked. Can you check?
Phil: Come to New York! The pretzels are huge!


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