Phil: [aside to camera] It wasn't just about lunch. Of my three kids, I've always felt least connected with Alex. And I'm afraid that the distance between us might grow after she graduates. Wow. Graduates? It was just, like, ten years ago when she took her first college course.

Manny: Good dawning, all.
Jay: What am I looking at? Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself?
Manny: It's a traditional Tudor collar. I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual.
Gloria: I don't hate it. I think it makes your head look like one of those fancy cookies.
Manny: I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting.
Jay: What happened to hazing? It used to be macho stuff, you know, like making a guy drink a shot out of your belly button or passing an orange around only using your butt cheeks.
Manny: Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus. I don't want to jinx it, but a week from now, I could be learning the steps of the secret minuet.
Jay: This is what happens when you eliminate campus bullying.

Jay: No, I'm going down there, get the support of some of the other golfers. Maybe I can fight this thing.
Gloria: Okay, good idea, but don't forget that there is a dress code at the club.
Jay: They probably already overturned it. Ah, the whole place went to hell when they stopped putting ice in the urinals. There's just something about destroying a thing while you're taking a pee that makes a man feel like a man.

Phil: B-T-dubs, have you seen your school paper? Apparently, your valedictorian is a chimp. How is that not bigger news?
Alex: It's a fake paper, Dad. It's senior prank week.
Phil: Oh. I wish I'd known that before I sent your mom this text.
Alex: "It's starting. Hide the bananas."

Manny: I nailed my monologues for the Elizabethan Society. Methinks you're looking at a brand-new Lizzie.
Gloria: So it is "methinks." So, why does Jay correct me every time I say that?

Phil: Morning, honey. Don't mind all the Caltech gear. I figured I'd surprise Alex at school and take her to lunch.
Claire: Surprise her? At the end of the semester? Honey, she's probably in the middle of exams. She's gonna be... thrilled.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Have you ever seen a video of yourself wearing something you didn't realize was unflattering? Well, that happened to me recently, and... it was my personality.

Alex: Uh, did I seem a little...
Tina: Zero Kelvin? Cold. Yeah.
Alex: So you think I was...
Tina: Like the sum of a group of numbers divided by the number of those numbers? Mean.
Alex: This is why no one wants to code with you, Tina.

Cameron: Okay, w-w-why is my hand shaking? Did somebody put something in my drink? Hey! Did one of you Ritalin-addicted millennial scooter jockeys dose me? Huh? What, you think you can take this tree down, do you? Well, guess what! I'm a redwood! That's right, I was here before you were born, and I'll be here after you're gone!

Mitchell: Shh! You'll wake Lily.
Cameron: [whispering] How drunk are you? I told you three times she's on that school trip.
Mitchell: [whispering] I'd feel more confident if you weren't also whispering.
Cameron: [normal voice] Fair point.
Mitchell: Are... Are you wearing lipstick?
Cameron: Hm?
Mitchell: Am I wearing nail polish?

Cameron: [aside to camera] So, we kind of had a crazy night out. It started off at this little under-the-radar speakeasy I heard about.
Mitchell: Uh, he Googled "cool bars near me."
Cameron: Anyway, we met a group of 20-somethings that took a shine to us. They introduced us to the world of underground parties and $18 cocktails. It was so burnt.
Mitchell: Lit.
Cameron: Lit.