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‘Yes-Woman’ Quotes

Modern Family: Yes-Woman

1019. Yes-Woman

Aired April 4, 2019

Worried about how everybody else sees her, Claire decides to be less negative and start saying "yes", setting off an awkward chain of events. Meanwhile, Phil learns Alex is hiding something from him when he surprises her at college.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Good dawning, all.
Jay: What am I looking at? Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself?
Manny: It's a traditional Tudor collar. I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual.
Gloria: I don't hate it. I think it makes your head look like one of those fancy cookies.
Manny: I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting.
Jay: What happened to hazing? It used to be macho stuff, you know, like making a guy drink a shot out of your belly button or passing an orange around only using your butt cheeks.
Manny: Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus. I don't want to jinx it, but a week from now, I could be learning the steps of the secret minuet.
Jay: This is what happens when you eliminate campus bullying.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: No, I'm going down there, get the support of some of the other golfers. Maybe I can fight this thing.
Gloria: Okay, good idea, but don't forget that there is a dress code at the club.
Jay: They probably already overturned it. Ah, the whole place went to hell when they stopped putting ice in the urinals. There's just something about destroying a thing while you're taking a pee that makes a man feel like a man.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] It wasn't just about lunch. Of my three kids, I've always felt least connected with Alex. And I'm afraid that the distance between us might grow after she graduates. Wow. Graduates? It was just, like, ten years ago when she took her first college course.

Quote from Phil

Phil: B-T-dubs, have you seen your school paper? Apparently, your valedictorian is a chimp. How is that not bigger news?
Alex: It's a fake paper, Dad. It's senior prank week.
Phil: Oh. I wish I'd known that before I sent your mom this text.
Alex: "It's starting. Hide the bananas."

Quote from Gloria

Manny: I nailed my monologues for the Elizabethan Society. Methinks you're looking at a brand-new Lizzie.
Gloria: So it is "methinks." So, why does Jay correct me every time I say that?

Quote from Claire

Phil: Morning, honey. Don't mind all the Caltech gear. I figured I'd surprise Alex at school and take her to lunch.
Claire: Surprise her? At the end of the semester? Honey, she's probably in the middle of exams. She's gonna be... thrilled.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Have you ever seen a video of yourself wearing something you didn't realize was unflattering? Well, that happened to me recently, and... it was my personality.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Shh! You'll wake Lily.
Cameron: [whispering] How drunk are you? I told you three times she's on that school trip.
Mitchell: [whispering] I'd feel more confident if you weren't also whispering.
Cameron: [normal voice] Fair point.
Mitchell: Are... Are you wearing lipstick?
Cameron: Hm?
Mitchell: Am I wearing nail polish?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] So, we kind of had a crazy night out. It started off at this little under-the-radar speakeasy I heard about.
Mitchell: Uh, he Googled "cool bars near me."
Cameron: Anyway, we met a group of 20-somethings that took a shine to us. They introduced us to the world of underground parties and $18 cocktails. It was so burnt.
Mitchell: Lit.
Cameron: Lit.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I don't even remember half these bars. Did we go to a hospital last night?
Cameron: Okay, Grandma Tucker's hangover remedy... Put a pat of butter underneath your tongue, tip your head back, and I'll pour the hot sauce up your nose.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, you know our rule, we never go out two nights in a row.
Cameron: Yeah, I know, but this is...
Mitchell: We're already pushing it by going to that lecture series tonight.
Cameron: What lecture series?
Mitchell: Alan Greenspan's top aide. We bought the season pass so we'd get premium seating to "A Night of Sarcasm with Fran Lebowitz."

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I made a decision to be less negative. It's the new me, the girl who says "yes." [large dog walks by] Friend went to Mexico for the weekend. I'm finding the level.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Crockett and Tubbs, you look snazzy.
Luke: Thanks, I think. I'm trying to step up my game. I started seeing someone from work.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Done. I just approved another design. The most luxurious dog bed yet. I call it... The Top of the Bark.
Gloria: Ah, that's nice that you can run your new company at home in clothes that you can only wear at home.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: When men get to a certain age, they stop trying. I've seen it before. First, it starts with the clothes, then the body, then the brain. But I can't say anything to Jay, because when it comes to his appearance, he's very sensitive.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Seriously?!
Phil: The Kepler Award? Is this where you're going, 'cause it looks like it's a big deal?
Alex: It's just a boring reception for finalists.
Phil: Well, I love a good reception. What time are we expected?
Alex: Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to bring guests.
Phil: Says here, "families welcome."
Alex: But I didn't RSVP.
Phil: Says here, "walk-ins encouraged."
Alex: What an informative flyer. [laughs]

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Ooh, I like this new Claire that says "yes" to things. Before, you would be like, uh... What is the word for grouchy?
Claire: I don't think it matters now. Early 20s, huh. Well, you're still beating gravity at that point. I bet everything is right where it should be.
Janice: Oh, yes.
Claire: Yeah.
Janice: Check out this selfie he sent of his abs.
Claire: Damn!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, hurry! If we get there early enough, we get to submit a question about Greenspan. I got a doozy about stag-flation.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [v.o.] The bocce situation was worse than I feared. I had to get the range back in the hands of the Sunrise Swingers.
Jay: Listen, I, uh, got to be discreet. Uh, I'm sort of behind enemy lines here. But, uh, if I'm not mistaken, you're a fellow, uh, "swinger."
Janice: Excuse me?
Jay: No, no, it's okay. I'm cool. It's just that I, uh... I'm trying to get something started here. I mean, uh, of course we have to meet in secrecy, but I don't mind hosting at my house.
Janice: Are you actually suggesting...
Jay: Lady, wake up. Our way of life is under attack. Pretty soon, there won't be enough of us for a decent foursome.
Janice: [quietly] I have to go.
Jay: Okay. Well, just think about it.

Quote from Phil

Alex: That's Dr. Stieglitz. He makes the final decision on the award. He's brilliant and scary and impossible to impress.
Phil: Hey, I know this is your dad talking, but you're pretty brilliant and scary and impossible yourself.

Quote from Phil

Dr. Stieglitz: "Damn. Might as well ask Schrödinger's cat."
Phil: [laughter] Pets. I once had a macaw that could use a remote control. Watched a lot of cable. You'd think, uh... You'd think Animal Planet, but it was mostly Cinemax. I'm Alex's dad. Alex, get in here.
Dr. Stieglitz: Actually, I was referring to a thought experiment concerning a paradox in quantum mechanics.
Phil: Yes, quite, quite. Where are you all from originally?

Quote from Phil

Alex: [aside to camera] It was so embarrassing. Professor Stieglitz is a genius. He doesn't fall for people who pretend to understand him by saying things like "Quite, quite," or, "Indeed," or...
[flashback:]
Phil: Touché, my good man! But seriously, I-I have a science question I've always wondered about.
Alex: Uh, maybe keep wondering.
Phil: Would there be a safe amount of helium you could give a baby that would lift it off the ground?
Dr. Stieglitz: What?
Phil: [laughing] Oh. I don't want it to float away. I-I just want it to have fun.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Could you do me a favor? I'm having a package delivered to my dorm room, and someone needs to be there to sign for it.
Phil: Can't your roommate do it?
Alex: No. She got deported.
Phil: I thought she was from Arkansas.
Alex: Yeah, but her parents were... traitors.
Phil: Beth and Allen?
Alex: Don't feel bad. We all fell for it.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Uh, did I seem a little...
Tina: Zero Kelvin? Cold. Yeah.
Alex: So you think I was...
Tina: Like the sum of a group of numbers divided by the number of those numbers? Mean.
Alex: This is why no one wants to code with you, Tina.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Hey. How in the world did you find me?
Alex: You know that app you can put on kids' phones to track them?
Phil: You put one on my phone after I surprised you today?
Alex: Don't make me feel worse than I already do.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait a minute. You won?! Congratulations!
Alex: Please don't be happy for me. I can't take it. I was such a jerk to you.
Phil: No, honey, I get it. I, uh... I know I can be embarrassing. I... I just get nervous around smart people. Sometimes even you. The first time I ever said "quite, quite" was when you were years old and you just told me about how plants make carbon dioxide.
Alex: This may surprise you, but... sometimes I wish I was more like you, the way you're always able to enjoy life.
Phil: Believe it or not, I felt the same way about my dad. I'm a... I'm a pessimist compared to him. And his dad actually suffered from a smile-induced hernia.

Quote from Phil

Alex: It's prank week, and I spent the whole time in the library. Sometimes I feel like I just went through the four best years of my life, only I forgot to make them the four best years of my life.
Phil: Well, college isn't over. And I just may be able to help you make up for a little lost time. Hot Wing Trivia's about to start. I have you guys registered as "The Dunphys"?
Alex: How did you...? You knew I was coming?
Phil: Let's not forget where you learned about that tracking app. [Scottish accent] And there's one tiny change. We're actually the MacDunphys.

Quote from Alex

[aside to camera:]
Alex: Only my dad would think that a trivia game...
[flashback:]
Alex: [Scottish accent] The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. [bell dings, crowd cheers]
[v.o.]
Alex: ...where you balance hats on your head, drink beer as a reward...
[flashback:]
Phil: [Scottish accent] Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. [bell dings, crowd cheers]
[v.o.]
Alex: ...and eat hot wings as a punishment...
[flashback:]
Phil: Millard Fillmore! [buzzer, crowd chanting "Eat!"]
[v.o.]
Alex: ...needed that one last twist of a Scottish accent.
[flashback:]
Alex: Dopey, Sneezy... and Grumpy? bell dings, crowd cheers]
[v.o.]
Alex: Whoever said the most important thing in life is winning awards... wasn't all wrong.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I had made a mistake. Cam was off on an adventure while I sat there dying of boredom, surrounded by people dying of natural causes.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, w-w-why is my hand shaking? Did somebody put something in my drink? Hey! Did one of you Ritalin-addicted millennial scooter jockeys dose me? Huh? What, you think you can take this tree down, do you? Well, guess what! I'm a redwood! That's right, I was here before you were born, and I'll be here after you're gone!

Quote from Luke

Janice: [cellphone chimes] My daughter. She wants to have friends over. I said no parties.
Luke: Hey, you relax. [on the phone] Denise, your mother and I deserve one night off.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] The lady from the club! Either she didn't know I was Gloria's husband and things were about to get very awkward, or she did know and she was here to follow up on my accidental proposition. God, I hate company!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey, hot stuff. Where's your boy toy?
Janice: Oh, he's making a phone call. Got to say, though, I feel kind of awkward because, turns out, he's related to Gloria.
Claire: What?
Janice: [cellphone chimes] My daughter. I have to handle this. Sorry.
Manny: Claire, I have big news.
Claire: Oh, God. If it's what I think it is, I don't know if that's a good idea.
Manny: I know. People will say I've taken my love of old things too far.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Manny: But I'm happy. And not to brag, but I'm the first Latino to get in there.
Claire: Oh, boy. I feel sort of responsible for this.
Manny: Um, I think it has a little more to do with my performance. I distinguished myself when I did literally all the girl parts.
Claire: I need to go splash some water on my face.

Quote from Manny

Claire: Wait a minute. Have you been doing sit-ups?
Manny: Oh, every night for stamina. I would not have been able to perform without it. I even threw in some tongue exercises because my "Shrew" was taking forever.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Dad, what are you hiding from?
Jay: You'll know after I tell you what I said to that woman from the club. [sighs] What is she doing here?
Claire: She's trying to get you out of those clothes.
Jay: You know?
Claire: Yes! We talked about it at yoga. It was Gloria's idea. I just came along to grease the wheels.
Jay: What?! I was almost considering it until you added that part. I gotta splash water on my face.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Hey, Ma.
Claire: Luke... Luke, get your hands off Manny's girlfriend.
Manny: That's not my girlfriend.
Claire: What? Then what were we just talking about?
Manny: The Elizabethan Society. M-My first meeting's tonight.
Claire: I'm so confused.
Jay: It's plain as day. This woman is here to swing with me.
Luke: That's it. That's where I draw the line.
Gloria: How did this happen?
Claire: I'll tell you how this happened. Because nobody was willing to say what needs to be said. No. No. No. And hell no.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [on the phone] It's how you feel about the B-minus, Denise, not how your mother and I feel about it. No, I'm not saying no to the Amsterdam trip. Yeah, it sounds like a fun summer, but how is that gonna look on a college application? We'll talk about it later. Of course I'm proud of you.


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