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‘Good Grief’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Good Grief

1005. Good Grief

Aired October 24, 2018

The Pritchett family deal with some unexpected news on Halloween.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I know that this is going to sound crazy, but I have always worried that when Dede died, she was going to come back and haunt me. Maybe it's because she whispered it to me at my wedding.


Quote from Haley

Haley: You know, there's a deep psycho-spiritual connection between sex and death. Look at Freud. Thanatos, Eros... locked in an eternal struggle.
Alex: How do you know any of those words?
Haley: I don't know. Maybe I remembered something from school somehow. They say everything you've ever heard is locked in your brain somewhere. Another fun fact... your brain burns 20% of the calories you consume. [microwave beeps] My burrito!
Alex: Another one? Oh, my God. I think your brain is finally working because, for the first time ever, you're not starving yourself.
Haley: That is a credible hypothesis.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: You know, I'm impressed you're still wearing that dress.
Cameron: Oh, well, I'm wearing two pair of Spanx and was on a diuretic for hours. As we say where I'm from, you don't teach your dog to play the banjo and then skip the talent show.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Seriously. What is this obsession with a sandwich?
Jay: I waited in line! I was thinking about it for months! You know who would get this? Dede. That woman appreciated a good sandwich. And she made the best ones. You know, when we were first married, in that little house in the valley. And we didn't have any money. She would go miles out of her way to get the bread with the crunchy crust from that French bakery. It was hard on the outside, soft and warm on the inside, and she'd say, "That's just like you, Jay." [chuckles] She was nice to me back then.
Claire: Yeah.
Jay: It's funny, I happened to drive past there a while ago. That bakery's not there anymore. And damn if I wasn't depressed for a week. You know, I didn't realize... [voice breaking] much it meant to me till it was gone, you know?

Quote from Lily

Gloria: Look at that beautiful family moment.
Lily: Yeah, look right at it. [places Dede doll behind Gloria]
[aside to camera:]
Lily: I asked myself, "What would Nana want today?" She'd want me to mess with Gloria. Also, I ate Grandpa's sandwich.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, God. Jerry forwarded me an e-mail from Mom's women's group. I-I-I can't even read it. You do it. I...
Phil: Oh, okay. Um..."Our sincere condolences on the loss of your loved one, Dede."
Claire: What happened to Mom?
Phil: Oh, let's see. "On the third night, Dede wandered away from the group and encountered a pack of starving timberwolves."
Mitchell: Oh my God.
Claire: Oh my God, Mom.
Phil: "As you know, Dede long believed she could comunicate with animals, so using a mix of howls and barks she convinced them to seek food elsewhere." Huh, guess that wasn't that. Let's see. "Later she ignored that thin ice sign and plunged..." Hang on, saved by one of the wolves. Uh... [MUMBLES] "She deeply offended a tribe of Inuits by interrupting a secret dagger..." "She was briefly swallowed by a whale..." Uh, here it is! "On the trip's final morning, Dede was found in her room. She had apparently passed peacefully in her sleep as a smile graced her face and her hands clutched ten pages of suggestions for the hotel staff."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [to the Dede doll] Okay, you want to talk? Let's talk. I know that you never liked me. And I was always nice. Okay, fine, one time, I did use your toothbrush on Stella. But mostly I admired you for raising such wonderful children and for helping make Jay the amazing man that I fell in love with. I guess I never thanked you for all of that. So, if you can hear me now, thank you. And can you please tell Rosa Garcia to stop haunting me, too? And Marta Blanco, Marisol Gutierrez, and Cecila Matos? Gracias.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Ah, you make plans, the universe steps in and says "nope."
Phil: Life is so unfair.
Jay: Damn right. I just waited in a line around the block for a hoagie everybody's talking about. Then my ex-wife drops dead, and I'm too sad to eat it. I'll give it another hour.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I am so sorry, what happened to your grandmother. She was a wonderful woman.
Alex: Thank you, Gloria. Finally, someone with a normal reaction.
Luke: Didn't Nana try to strangle you three times?
Gloria: Yeah, but one of those times, I was able to see again my favorite abuela for one second. So I really should thank Dede. Anyways, any issues that your grandmother had with me, they're behind her. She's at peace. She's living in a better place.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I remember once Mom told me that I ate ice cream like a prostitute.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: I have an idea. Mitchell was just talking about a great memory he had of Dede taking him for ice cream in West Hollywood. We could go pick some up. It would be a perfect tribute.
Phil: That's great. Plus, I don't know why, but there's... there's something about the way Claire eats ice cream that I just enjoy.
Cameron: I just wish I could remember the name of it.
Phil: I'm on it. Anderson Scooper?
Cameron: No.
Phil: Priscilla Queen of the Desserts?
Cameron: Mnh-mnh.
Phil: Sherbert and Ernie?
Cameron: Mnh-mnh. It was something very specific.
Phil: West Hollywood Ice Cream Shop?
Cameron: That's it. Let's go.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: You know, we've been so focused on Mitchell and Claire, I haven't had a chance to really...
Cameron: Yeah. I know. First time I met her, she threatened to murder me if I ever made her son unhappy. [Phil laughs] Went into pretty graphic detail, described how she'd get rid of my body and everything. [laughs] I was like, "Wow, this woman will never trust me."
Phil: That's so her.
Cameron: Then one time, she overheard me talking about drinking dandelion wine with my... with my grandma. She went over to the kitchen cabinet and pulled out a bottle. Apparently, she had an aunt that taught her how to make it. And we sat there at the kitchen table drinking and swapping stories about growing up in the boondocks.
Phil: Mm.
Cameron: The wine made me go blind for a bit, but I'll never forget her voice, slurring in the darkness, telling me she understood why Mitchell loved me.

Quote from Dede

Dede: [on voicemail ]Hey, honey. It's Mom. I just want to apologize. I should not have lost my temper. Shaman Phoenix Feather's family-planning advice may not be for everyone, and you just want to keep your daughters safe. I get it. I have a daughter of my own, and I know how much she means to me. Anyway, I'm sorry. I love you, and I always will.
Claire: [voice breaking] I love you, too, Mom.
Dede: Also, I saw your new photo on social media. Are you part of some protest where you're not allowed to wash your hair? Or are you just trying to be... [beep]
Claire: I'm gonna listen to that later.

Quote from Alex

Haley: I can't believe Nana's gone.
Alex: If God really is an old white guy, he's about to get an earful.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Can you come in here and help me with this web?
Phil: [in a fly costume] Sorry, gotta fly. I'm gonna do that one again when there's more people around.

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