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34Quotes from ‘Blasts from the Past’

Modern Family: Blasts from the Past

1012. Blasts from the Past

Aired January 16, 2019

Phil and Claire are looking forward to a trip to Italy before their home becomes a mad house with Haley, Dylan and the twins. Unfortunately for them, chaos arrives before its due date. Cameron and Mitchell talk to Lily about some risque reading material they found in her room. Meanwhile, Gloria and Jay try to teach Joe about their inspirational ancestors.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Buddy, are you sure you're okay?
Dylan: Trust me, I'm a nurse. By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: If anything, I'm worried she acts a little young for her age. I mean, isn't a little too old for these unicorns and teddy bears and...Playgirl?
Mitchell: Oh! Oh, God. Where... Where did she get that?
Cameron: I didn't even know they still made these. Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead.
Mitchell: Okay, you're getting off track. Our daughter is looking at [whispering] naked men.
Cameron: I know. We're gonna have to talk to her about it. You know, my parents never talked to me about anything sexual. They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding, and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [in Italian] "Italy is the most beautiful country in the world, no?"
Claire: "Yes. The food is delicious and the people nice."
Phil: "Ah. Let's stop. And kill that old man for directions."
Claire: "Our Italian has gotten very big." [high fives Phil]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: We're taking a four-week bicycle trip through the vineyards of Italy!
Claire: We figure that this summer, our whole lives are gonna be turned upside-down when Haley, Dylan, and their twins move in with us, so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon?
Phil: So we've been hitting the language tapes, the, uh... the stationary bikes, and a couple of times a day, I wolfishly whistle at Claire to prepare her for that timeless Roman charm.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What's that?
Claire: Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us into a converted castle in Tuscany for our anniversary.
Phil: Does it have a moat?
Claire: I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes. Looks like we're getting a refund, which means that we can afford to...
Phil: To pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge if we answer his riddles three?
Claire: I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, you should also give something for the twins. You both are gonna be uncles. That's a very proud tradition in our family.
Manny: That's right, Joe. Our great-great Uncle Alvaro was a famous South American freedom fighter.
Jay: You're kidding? My Great Uncle Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.
Manny: We're four sentences away from realizing they killed each other, right?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, really? You want to give away the very first Gucci hoodie I ever bought our daughter?
Mitchell: Okay, "first Gucci" is why our retirement planner fired us as clients. Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay? They really need this stuff.
Cameron: I know. I-I-I still can't believe she's pregnant. Although...
Mitchell: I know you're about to say something catty. You're practically purring.
Cameron: Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s? You know, we have a saying back home: "The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick."
Mitchell: Okay, you're clutching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie, decide who you are.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, come on! So what? I got a little extra worked up after looking at a sexy picture. People do it all the time. Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels.

Quote from Claire

Farrah: This homeopathic remedy is really gonna help Haley with morning sickness.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Farrah: - I got the recipe from a doula I met in an Uber pool.
Claire: Well, you were right about one thing. It does- It does smell like a buffalo that was struck by lightning. When- When are you heading back up to Oregon?
Farrah: Oh, I'm done with that place. Oldest story in the world. You know, I thought I found a nice guy, then one morning, he up and tells me he's found six new women.
Claire: Mm.
Farrah: I'm done with Bhagwans.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Coming back as Dylan's mother? Not funny, Mom. Not funny at all!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle. I didn't want to rob Joe of that. It wasn't easy biting my tongue, but I took a page from another heroic relative, Lulach McPritchett. Proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English, tortured for months using every method imaginable, and never once giving up a single secret. Don't look him up.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [Italian accent] Signora, why so sad? Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah?
Claire: How did you find me?
Phil: [normal voice] Antonio called and said you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca and just watched it burn.
Claire: Mm-hmm. It's all just going too fast. Five months ago, Haley got back together with Dylan. Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant. Then it's twins. Then, "Come move in with us this summer" turns into "Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins and an incontinent chinchilla, and, in the most terrifying return since Freddy Krueger sashayed his way back onto Elm Street, my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah."

Quote from Claire

Claire: I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's talking about going to Italy, it's actually happening.
Phil: [Italian accent] Ohh, American lady! Why do you do this to me?
Claire: Don't make me practice my slap on you again.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer. It's weird to think people will be calling us Grandpa and...
Claire: No, please don't say it. Don't say that word. It makes me feel so old. But I have thought about what I want them to call me. Gammy.
Phil: Gammy. Well, let's take her for a spin. "Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!" "Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood." Yeah, it does. It works.

Quote from Haley

Claire: What is with all the boxes and the bags?
Haley: Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come, but then we thought about all the money we'd save.
Dylan: Mucho dinero.
Claire: Yes.
Haley: You look mad. I should've told you. I was afraid to tell you. I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment [voice breaking] if you weren't happy about it. But you're not unhappy about it, right? Right?!
Claire: Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
Haley: Oh, my gosh, you're the best. I love you so much. [chuckles] Wow! What a journey.

Quote from Jay

Joe: I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies.
Gloria: Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!
Joe: Now I have room in the closet for my lizard.
Gloria: Lizard? I thought that you were just going to the pet shop to look.
Jay: I can't say no to that face. You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty, you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple and fuzz-stache show up.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Joe, next week, you have to go to school dressed as a hero. Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?
Jay: Or Uncle Erasmus.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, that's cute, but Alvaro was not only a war hero. He was a celebrated matador, Frida Kahlo's tango instructor, two-time winner of the Bogota Herald cartoon caption contest.
Jay: No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots, which, incidentally, were made by a nine-foot Texas diamondback he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
Joe: Did he kill all his clothes?
Jay: He sure did. Come upstairs. I'll show you. I got a ring of his with a tooth in it he punched out of a puma.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Jay does this all the time. He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own. I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all. I say we do a little digging.
Gloria: Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga, the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's popular children's book. He was always very slowly solving crimes.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: And, by the way, it's not like your family doesn't have a wayward streak, okay? Pam's not exactly responsible.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Could an irresponsible woman win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" award?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We found a... a magazine in your room.
Lily: Whoa!
Cameron: There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Mitchell: Oh, God, no, not at all. You're... You're going through a very exciting period of... of change and... and hormones. And... And...
Cameron: And, um, urges.
Lily: Got it. Solid parenting. See you tomorrow.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...
Cameron: You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering or being curious about sex. You know, the mingling of bodies can be a beautiful expression of love.
Lily: Stop! They have classes about this in school, and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that, don't leave them on the sofa!
Cameron: The sofa? How did... How did it get on the sofa?
Mitchell: I don't know. I don't... Ah, the babysitter. Or, you know, Haley, or... or Pam, or Claire. We were just talking about how perverted they are.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Wait a minute. This is from 1997. And David Duchovny's on the cover. Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny?
Mitchell: Why... Wha... I don't even know who that is.
Cameron: He was on the... you know, the cheesy sci-fi show, the, uh... What was it? "The X-Files" or something? You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"? They had that saying, you know? Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?
Mitchell: You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"! Don't... Don't you crinkle it.
Cameron: Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?
Mitchell: Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay? He was brooding and handsome and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead.
Cameron: Yeah, well, guess what. You wouldn't have had a chance with David Duchovny because, look. One of his turn-offs is "dishonest people."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: And why is it just lying around the house?
Mitchell: I was bringing the trash bins into the garage the other day, and I noticed an old box of my stuff. I got nostalgic, and I decided to flip through it.
Cameron: Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: The day we opened the bottle of Merlot, took it back to the bedroom, and had a rather spectacular... session?
Mitchell: Uh, was it that night?
Cameron: Oh, please, it was the first time in years I'd seen your eyes roll back in your head without irony.
Mitchell: Well, excuse me if I am attracted to you.
Cameron: Except it wasn't just me, was it? There were three of us in that bed. I sent you a dozen roses the next day. Apparently, I should've sent six to David Duchovny.

Quote from Manny

Jay: There you go, buddy. Now you look like a real hero.
Joe: I don't think I'm allowed to bring a knife to school.
Jay: It's not sharp at all.
Manny: And neither, apparently, are you. [to Gloria] I told you if we waited a few minutes he'd give us a delicious segue.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett was a hero at the Alamo. But for the other side.
Manny: Yeah, he hid in a closet during the fighting, then stole a dress and escaped by pretending to be a prostitute.
Jay: What?! I don't believe you.
Gloria: These are official church documents. In this part, it says that he traded military secrets for rum and a new corset.
Manny: "To this day, in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus' means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'"
Gloria: There's a picture of him cringing.
Joe: I can't believe I named my lizard Erasmus.
Jay: It was wartime, Joe! We can't judge a man who has lived through that kind of hell.
Manny: He spent his post-war years spreading the gospel of vegetarianism.
Jay: I have no uncle.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Gosh, your mom looks familiar.
Dylan: She used to do a little modeling. Recently, she had her likeness stolen for one of those "Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.
Phil: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Dylan's Mom was the hot chick in the "Sexy Kitty" music video. The songwriting isn't perfect, but this video changed everything.

Quote from Haley

Farrah: Those bikes don't live there, do they? 'Cause that is an ideal north-facing spot for a birthing tub.
Claire: I wasn't aware that Haley was considering a home birth.
Haley: Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah really opened up my eyes to the birth-industrial complex.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom at all familiar to you?
Claire: Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too. I can't believe that is gonna be in our life on a regular basis.
Phil: I know. She's been driving me kind of crazy since I was a kid.
Claire: Do you know how many nights I went to bed screaming her name into a pillow?
Phil: Go on.

Quote from Claire

Claire: The girls call you Gammy? That's funny, because I was hoping when Haley's twins came along, they might call me that.
Farrah: Oh, well, that might be confusing. But maybe you could be something else. How about "Gaga"?
Claire: Maybe we don't have to lock anything down right now.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, handsome, this seat taken?
Cameron: Hey, what are you doing here?
Mitchell: Well, I brought you a smoothie, although, you don't need it because you're already 100% fruity deliciousness. Maybe I just get right to it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Look, Mitchell, I appreciate what you're doing...
Mitchell: No, no, listen. [clears throat] Lily's at a sleepover tonight, so I got us a suite at Whispers Resort and Spa.
Cameron: Isn't that the place, uh, Jen Aniston goes to after her divorces?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Maybe it was sour grapes, but this guy was starting to sound like baloney. I was sure that if I left no stone unturned, eventually, one day, I'd find some dirt on Great Uncle Alvaro.
[flashback:]
Jay: I knew it!
[back:]
Jay: Simón Francisco Alvaro would go from town to town, seducing wealthy widows with made-up stories of his bravery in battle. After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice, he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing but a single red rose... and syphilis.

Quote from Joe

Joe: The yoke of Spanish oppression will chafe Colombian shoulders no longer! My saber thirsts for European blood!
Gloria: So cute!
Manny: Bravo!
Gloria: He looked it up and memorized it himself.
Joe: Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me 'cause I'm the shortest kid in the class?
Jay: Oh, don't listen to what they say!
Joe: Right! Uncle Alvaro was only five feet tall and he led a whole army! I'm gonna be brave like him.
Jay: Viva Uncle Alvaro.

Quote from Claire

Phil: I had to get out of there, or I was gonna make Haley a single mom. I hit Dylan again, Claire.
Claire: But not on purpose.
Phil: Are we sure?
Claire: You mean, like, you might have some buried anger towards him stealing away your baby girl? Oh, I so want it to be on purpose. Gets lonely out here on crazy island.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, well, we still have Italy.
Claire: Do we? Listen, I've been doing some research on twins, and it seems that, like our daughter, they... they tend to come early. Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance, I can't risk having the only maternal figure present be that tub-birthing Wiccan. I got to be there for Haley.
Phil: It's overwhelming for sure, but haven't a ton of our best memories come from the anarchy of our house? Like when Luke got his head stuck in the banister?
Claire: Which time? Or when... When Alex's science fair project blacked out the whole neighborhood during the Super Bowl?
Phil: Or when, uh, Haley snuck in Luke's window the same week we bought him a slingshot?
Claire: Oh, God. That was... Mm.
Phil: So, it's a-a madhouse, but on the other hand, we're gonna have a couple babies in the house, and they'll be Haley and Dylan's. So they'll be doing funny stuff.

Quote from Phil

Claire: So...looks like we are going on a trip?
Phil: [in Italian] "To the adventure that is life."
Claire: "With you, every day is a lawnmower".
Phil: "I must be the tallest man in the world."


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