Phil: Buddy, are you sure you're okay?
Dylan: Trust me, I'm a nurse. By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion.

Cameron: If anything, I'm worried she acts a little young for her age. I mean, isn't a little too old for these unicorns and teddy bears and...Playgirl?
Mitchell: Oh! Oh, God. Where... Where did she get that?
Cameron: I didn't even know they still made these. Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead.
Mitchell: Okay, you're getting off track. Our daughter is looking at [whispering] naked men.
Cameron: I know. We're gonna have to talk to her about it. You know, my parents never talked to me about anything sexual. They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding, and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.

Jay: [aside to camera] I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle. I didn't want to rob Joe of that. It wasn't easy biting my tongue, but I took a page from another heroic relative, Lulach McPritchett. Proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English, tortured for months using every method imaginable, and never once giving up a single secret. Don't look him up.

Cameron: Oh, really? You want to give away the very first Gucci hoodie I ever bought our daughter?
Mitchell: Okay, "first Gucci" is why our retirement planner fired us as clients. Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay? They really need this stuff.
Cameron: I know. I-I-I still can't believe she's pregnant. Although...
Mitchell: I know you're about to say something catty. You're practically purring.
Cameron: Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s? You know, we have a saying back home: "The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick."
Mitchell: Okay, you're clutching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie, decide who you are.

Phil: [in Italian] "Italy is the most beautiful country in the world, no?"
Claire: "Yes. The food is delicious and the people nice."
Phil: "Ah. Let's stop. And kill that old man for directions."
Claire: "Our Italian has gotten very big." [high fives Phil]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: We're taking a four-week bicycle trip through the vineyards of Italy!
Claire: We figure that this summer, our whole lives are gonna be turned upside-down when Haley, Dylan, and their twins move in with us, so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon?
Phil: So we've been hitting the language tapes, the, uh... the stationary bikes, and a couple of times a day, I wolfishly whistle at Claire to prepare her for that timeless Roman charm.

Phil: What's that?
Claire: Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us into a converted castle in Tuscany for our anniversary.
Phil: Does it have a moat?
Claire: I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes. Looks like we're getting a refund, which means that we can afford to...
Phil: To pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge if we answer his riddles three?
Claire: I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat.

Gloria: Manny, you should also give something for the twins. You both are gonna be uncles. That's a very proud tradition in our family.
Manny: That's right, Joe. Our great-great Uncle Alvaro was a famous South American freedom fighter.
Jay: You're kidding? My Great Uncle Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.
Manny: We're four sentences away from realizing they killed each other, right?

Mitchell: Oh, come on! So what? I got a little extra worked up after looking at a sexy picture. People do it all the time. Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels.

Farrah: This homeopathic remedy is really gonna help Haley with morning sickness.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Farrah: - I got the recipe from a doula I met in an Uber pool.
Claire: Well, you were right about one thing. It does- It does smell like a buffalo that was struck by lightning. When- When are you heading back up to Oregon?
Farrah: Oh, I'm done with that place. Oldest story in the world. You know, I thought I found a nice guy, then one morning, he up and tells me he's found six new women.
Claire: Mm.
Farrah: I'm done with Bhagwans.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Coming back as Dylan's mother? Not funny, Mom. Not funny at all!

Phil: [Italian accent] Signora, why so sad? Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah?
Claire: How did you find me?
Phil: [normal voice] Antonio called and said you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca and just watched it burn.
Claire: Mm-hmm. It's all just going too fast. Five months ago, Haley got back together with Dylan. Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant. Then it's twins. Then, "Come move in with us this summer" turns into "Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins and an incontinent chinchilla, and, in the most terrifying return since Freddy Krueger sashayed his way back onto Elm Street, my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah."