Luke: What are you gonna do when he drives by?
Claire: I'm gonna tell him to slow down.
Luke: I think you should drag him out of his car and we all get turns punching him in the stomach until he barfs.
Claire: Honey, I think I'm just gonna turn over his license plate to the police.
Luke: Please. Order a pizza and call the cops. We'll see who gets here first.

Phil: [aside to camera] I wish I were one of those people who thrives on the danger of leading a double life. You know, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.

Gloria: My mother thought that riding a bike was dangerous. She would say, "That's how people grab you."

Phil: [aside to camera] Bring it, Laura. You wanna test me? I've been tested my whole life. They could never find anything.

Haley: "Slow down your neighbors"?
Claire: No. "Slow down," talking to the speeder. Who's talking to the speeder? "Your neighbors."
Luke: It doesn't say that.
Haley: Yeah, it just says, "Slow down your neighbors."
Claire: Phil.
Phil: I know what you were going for but now all I can see is "Slow down your neighbors."
Claire: Well, you're all wrong, 'cause this is incredibly clear.

Gloria: Ay. What happened? Did he fall?
Jay: How could he fall? You can't send him to school on a bike with training wheels. They'll make fun of him. Didn't you teach him how to ride a bike?
Gloria: How could I? I don't know how to ride a bike.
Jay: Two-thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Cameron: What about Thomas? You wrote him off because he serves a salad after the meal which, by the way, is very common in Europe.
Mitchell: What part of Europe is he from? Pretentioustan?
Cameron: Okay, fine. Keep judging. Don't let anyone in. I could care less.
Mitchell: I think you mean you couldn't care less because if you could care less, it means you care a little bit.
I'm going to the hot tub.
Cameron: If I stay here one more minute, my head is literally gonna explode.
Mitchell: I hope not, because if you mean literally-
Cameron: I don't feel safe in my own home!

Jay: Okay. This is how it's going down. Today I'm driving you to school. On the weekend, I'm buying you a bike and I'm teaching both of you.
Manny: I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
Gloria: You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.
Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Claire: And it's really important. We need to put these signs up all over the neighborhood.
Phil: I don't know. It seems kind of cowardly. Why don't you just make an anonymous call to the police?
Claire: I called the police, and they were totally unhelpful.
Luke: Surprise, surprise.

Claire: [aside to camera] Ever since they put those speed bumps on Oakmont some lunatic driver in a crazy sports car has been racing down our street, and it is dangerous. We've got kids here and babies in strollers and moms who like to jog.
Phil: She has to run every day or she goes crazy. She's like a border collie.
Claire: You're comparing me to a dog?
Phil: The smartest dogs in the world.