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48Quotes from ‘Slow Down Your Neighbors’

Modern Family: Slow Down Your Neighbors

211. Slow Down Your Neighbors

Aired January 5, 2011

Phil is caught in the middle when Claire tries to stop a neighbor from speeding around the neighborhood. Mitchell and Cameron meet a charming new neighbor. Meanwhile, Jay teaches Manny how to ride a bike, but Gloria proves a more difficult student.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I wish I were one of those people who thrives on the danger of leading a double life. You know, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.

Quote from Luke

Luke: What are you gonna do when he drives by?
Claire: I'm gonna tell him to slow down.
Luke: I think you should drag him out of his car and we all get turns punching him in the stomach until he barfs.
Claire: Honey, I think I'm just gonna turn over his license plate to the police.
Luke: Please. Order a pizza and call the cops. We'll see who gets here first.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: My mother thought that riding a bike was dangerous. She would say, "That's how people grab you."

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Bring it, Laura. You wanna test me? I've been tested my whole life. They could never find anything.

Quote from Claire

Haley: "Slow down your neighbors"?
Claire: No. "Slow down," talking to the speeder. Who's talking to the speeder? "Your neighbors."
Luke: It doesn't say that.
Haley: Yeah, it just says, "Slow down your neighbors."
Claire: Phil.
Phil: I know what you were going for but now all I can see is "Slow down your neighbors."
Claire: Well, you're all wrong, 'cause this is incredibly clear.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay. What happened? Did he fall?
Jay: How could he fall? You can't send him to school on a bike with training wheels. They'll make fun of him. Didn't you teach him how to ride a bike?
Gloria: How could I? I don't know how to ride a bike.
Jay: Two-thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay. This is how it's going down. Today I'm driving you to school. On the weekend, I'm buying you a bike and I'm teaching both of you.
Manny: I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
Gloria: You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.
Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What about Thomas? You wrote him off because he serves a salad after the meal which, by the way, is very common in Europe.
Mitchell: What part of Europe is he from? Pretentioustan?
Cameron: Okay, fine. Keep judging. Don't let anyone in. I could care less.
Mitchell: I think you mean you couldn't care less because if you could care less, it means you care a little bit.
I'm going to the hot tub.
Cameron: If I stay here one more minute, my head is literally gonna explode.
Mitchell: I hope not, because if you mean literally-
Cameron: I don't feel safe in my own home!

Quote from Luke

Claire: And it's really important. We need to put these signs up all over the neighborhood.
Phil: I don't know. It seems kind of cowardly. Why don't you just make an anonymous call to the police?
Claire: I called the police, and they were totally unhelpful.
Luke: Surprise, surprise.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, what are you doing? Why are you being such a freak?
Claire: I am being a freak for safety. And I'm doing this for you because I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
Haley: Well, it's embarrassing. Mom, you need a life. Why can't you just volunteer at the museum or bring pudding to old people?

Quote from Phil

Claire: [to Haley] Honey, if anybody's being embarrassing right now, it's you.
Phil: [through megaphone] Luke, I am your father.
Claire: That takes me back to the delivery room.
Phil: That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your mom's lady parts.
Haley: Oh, my God, Dad!

Quote from Jay

Manny: There's a bunch of cool kids who ride their bikes every day. Thought I'd join them.
Jay: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What the hell is that?
Manny: My new bike. Mom got it for me yesterday. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jay: It's got training wheels.
Manny: Nice ones. Custom-made. They don't usually come on bikes this size.
Jay: Gloria!
Manny: What's wrong?
Jay: You don't know how to ride a bike?
Manny: I know how to ride this bike.
Jay: Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Brutal day. I just wanna sit.
Cameron: Perfect. Lily's asleep. Barry's meeting us in the hot tub. If you're feeling stressed, he can give you a treatment.
Mitchell: Ah, that's all right. I have an appointment with Dr. Bigfoot tomorrow.
Cameron: Okay, here comes the judge.
Mitchell: Reiki is a bunch of nonsense, Cam. That guy's a nut.
Cameron: You do this every time. We meet a new friend. They say one thing you don't like and you just write 'em off.
Mitchell: I do not.
Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But yet" Rachel?
Mitchell: "I'd love to go, but yet I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet," not both.
Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Phil, honey, I need your help.
Phil: With what?
Claire: What is the one thing a speeder can't outrun?
Luke: Ooh. Bullets. A laser. Oh, I know. A falcon. Dad, jump in.
Phil: Not a good time.
Luke: A laser-falcon.

Quote from Mitchell

Barry: I just wanna let you guys know you got a sprinkler head that's leaking out there.
Mitchell: Thanks, Barry. I'll let the gardener know.
Barry: All right. Or maybe I can just wave my hands over it and heal it that way. I'm joking.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, God! That was a good one.
Barry: Look, don't worry about it. As soon as I started talking about Reiki I could tell you thought I might be a little nutty.
Mitchell: Ah. Was I that obvious?
Barry: You roll your eyes a lot.
Mitchell: I know. It's true. It's true though. I once saw a picture of myself at a friend's poetry slam and all you could see were the whites of my eyes. Yeah, I looked like Little Orphan Annie. The cartoon.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I've seen the kid fall down on that moving sidewalk at the airport so I didn't have high hopes. But what do you know, the kid was a natural. Gloria, on the other hand, was a natural disaster.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] The problem wasn't me. It was Jay. He's a very bad teacher. Very bossy. I don't respond to that. I need somebody gentle, nurturing like a woman.
[cut to:]
Phil: Hey, Gloria. What's up?
Gloria: Can you teach me how to ride a bike?
Phil: You can't ride a bike? I love that about you. I was beginning to think you didn't have any flaws. Listen, I wish I could, but I'm late for an open house.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I could teach you.
Gloria: Really?
Luke: Sure. I'm a great bike rider. I've taught a bunch of my friends.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I never taught anyone anything. But my playdate canceled, so I was wide open.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] It was the greatest feeling in the world. Luke was right. There was nothing to be afraid of. Ay.
Claire: Get off the bike!
Gloria: Ay! Don't grab me!
Claire: Give it to me.
Gloria: No, no. Don't grab me.
Claire: Go, go, go, go, go, go! Laces, mirror, bell. Slow down, jerk!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Listen, I was thinking about those signs.
Laura: "Slow down your neighbors."
Phil: Actually, I think they meant "Slow down," talking to you. Who's talking? "Your neighbors."

Quote from Luke

Phil: Come on, which civilization invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Which civilization invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Yes, you do. We've been over this a hundred times.
Luke: Allow me, Dad. I'm a great teacher. Who invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Luke!
Haley: I got soaked! What are you doing?
Luke: Say it! Say it!
Phil: Luke, that's enough.
Haley: Oh, my God! I don't know! I don't know! The Phoenicians! The Phoenicians!
Phil: That's right.
Luke: Teacher of the year.
Phil: She's all yours, buddy.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub.
Mitchell: Who is it?
Cameron: You do know what "stranger" means, don't you?
Mitchell: Oh, my G- Oh, my God! How long has he been there?
Cameron: I saw him exactly one second before you. You know everything I know.
Mitchell: Okay, I'm calling 911.
Cameron: I'm getting my bat.
[The young man in the hot tub stands up to reveal six-pack abs]
Mitchell: Maybe we're overreacting.
Cameron: He could have a very good reason.
Mitchell: We should at least say hello.
Cameron: It's only polite.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Ever since they put those speed bumps on Oakmont some lunatic driver in a crazy sports car has been racing down our street, and it is dangerous. We've got kids here and babies in strollers and moms who like to jog.
Phil: She has to run every day or she goes crazy. She's like a border collie.
Claire: You're comparing me to a dog?
Phil: The smartest dogs in the world.

Quote from Claire

Phil: What are you guys doing?
Luke: What the cops won't.
Claire: We are catching that speeder. And when we do, he's gonna get an earful of this. Slow down, jerk!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [phone rining] Sweet Valley High! This is that woman from the house on Seventh Street.
Claire: Ooh, good.
Phil: Yeah. If I sell it by the end of next month I dethrone Gil Thorpe as salesman of the quarter.

Quote from Phil

Claire: 2-U-R-N-8-0
Phil: Yeah. What's the address?
Claire: 2-U-R-N-8-0-1.
Phil: Yeah. Okay, 1-0-
Claire: A pen.
Luke: I gave it to Dad.
Phil: Okay, 101 North-
Claire: 2-U-R- Oh, God.
Phil: Seventh Street. Okay. 10-4. This is gonna be my best year since 2006.

Quote from Phil

Laura: Yeah, I got a thing in 10 minutes, so I have to make this quick.
Phil: Great. Let me run through my three-pronged approach to selling this place.
Laura: I only need one prong: sell the house. I don't want to be that yutz who prices her house too high so it sits around for a year while every looky-loo without something to do on Sundays is going through my underwear drawer. What's a number?
Phil: There are quite a few factors to take into-
Laura: Need a number.
Phil: We list at 1.4. We take anything north of 1.25.
Laura: Done!

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, uh, Sunday, 12:00 to 4:00 for the open house? That works for you?
Laura: Great.
Phil: Great. And if you have any questions or you need anything, just call. When you work with me, you're working with a friend.
Laura: That is so sweet. I like you. God, I hope I don't have to fire you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [leaving a message] Hey, honey, it's me. I just finished the meeting, and she is the perfect client. Realistic about the price. She wants to sell fast. She's a real character. You gotta meet her. [car speeds off] But she's moving soon, so what's the point?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Before you judge me, I have come in second to Gil Thorpe for salesman of the quarter seven quarters in a row. Seven. Nobody remembers second best. Oh, yeah, everybody loves Michael Jordan, but nobody thinks of Scottie Pippen. The only reason I remember him is because he's named after my favorite musical.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I'm sorry if I offended you.
Barry: No, don't apologize. Look, I Only thing that offends me is a man who doesn't live in his own truth. And I appreciate how hard you're trying not to roll your eyes right now.
Mitchell: 'Cause I'm about to pass out.
Barry: I see it.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay, I'm ready!
Jay: What the hell is he wearing?
Gloria: Protection pads. He needs more?
Jay: We're riding bikes. We're not training police dogs.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Hey, wait a minute. Who's that guy? Jay, he's gonna grab him!
Jay: Ah, no one's grabbing anyone. It's a neighbor.

Quote from Jay

Jay: There are three things you wanna do before you ride. Manny.
Manny: Check your shoelaces, adjust your mirror and test your bell.
Gloria: Okay, shoelaces tied. The mirror is good. The bell is ringing. Okay, now what?
Jay: Ride.
Gloria: Ay, no, no, no, Jay. Don't push me. I don't want to get hurt.
Jay: Trust me, I'm not gonna hurt you. You're a work of art. If you get scratched, the value goes down. I'm making a joke to lighten the mood.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Relax. You're not gonna fall. I got ya. Put your feet on the pedals. Now look where you're going. Look where you're going.
Gloria: No, I'm falling.
Jay: Look straight ahead. Go, go, go. Pedal!
Gloria: No, Jay!
Jay: What are you ringing the bell for?
Gloria: Ay! Why you let me go, Jay?
Jay: No, no! Pedal! No, look where you're going! Look where you're going!
Gloria: I'm gonna kill you, Jay!
Jay: Okay. Good day's work. What do you say we hit the jewelry store?

Quote from Phil

Laura: What are you doing?
Phil: Taking this sign down. I recognized your license plate. This is ridiculous.
Laura: I know. They're all over the neighborhood. What kind of lunatic does something like this?
Phil: Who knows?
Laura: It's probably some bored housewife who hates her husband and hates her life so she takes it out on the rest of us!
Phil: Or things are so good at home, she's out looking for problems.
Laura: Trust me. This woman needs to get laid.
Phil: I don't think that's the issue.
Laura: Here. Stick this up. Send her a message from me.
Phil: Okay.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, my gosh. What happened to my sign?
Phil: I don't know. I put it up. I went away. I came back. It was in pieces.
Claire: This is so crazy.
Phil: Crazy! Claire, this whole thing is crazy. Maybe we should back off a little bit.
Claire: You know what, Phil? No. I am not gonna back off. Okay? I am doing this for the safety of our neighborhood.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What?
Cameron: You know what I'm looking for.
Mitchell: He's a very nice guy.
Cameron: That's not it.
Mitchell: I'm sorry I made a snap judgment.
Cameron: Still not it.
Mitchell: You were right.
Cameron: There she is.

Quote from Cameron

Mrs. Ko: Hello, Mitchell.
Cameron: Oh, Mrs. Ko. I'm Cameron. Mitchell's the other one. What are you doing here?
Mrs. Ko: I just finish showing the apartment upstairs.
Cameron: What do you mean? What about Barry?
Mrs. Ko: Who's Barry?
Cameron: The new tenant. Nobody living up there. It's empty. You see anybody up there, you call me. [car honks] Oh! My husband. I'm coming! You two so lucky they don't let you get married.

Quote from Cameron

Barry: Hey, Cameron.
Cameron: What are you doing in there?
Barry: I'm just tidying up a little bit. What's up?
Cameron: Are you living in our daughter's princess castle?
Barry: What? No. Don't be ridiculous. I'm living in here, man. I'm sleeping in there.
Cameron: You said you had just moved in upstairs.
Barry: No, I said I just moved in. I'm I'm sorry. I thought it was implied-
Cameron: That you're living in a dollhouse?
Barry: Let's not do this outside, all right? You wanna go inside and talk about this like two adults?
Cameron: Yes, let's do that.
Barry: Great. [heads to dollhouse]
Cameron: No. No.
Barry: It's okay. I just cleaned up.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Are you homeless?
Barry: Homeless? Are you insane? Look at this place.
Cameron: I mean- Okay, I can't even believe I'm having to say this, but you can't you can't stay here.
Barry: Oh, boy. This is about the bodywork I did with Mitchell, isn't it? I would understand if that was-
Cameron: No. You are living in a little girl's toy, and you have to move out.
Barry: Well, this is gonna make dinner really awkward.
Cameron: There's no dinner. Dinner is off, okay? Now come on. Let's go.
Barry: No, no. Don't-Don't touch me. I don't like to be touched.
Cameron: You're a massage therapist.
Barry: I'm a Reiki master. Very little touching.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Barry, listen to me.
Barry: Okay.
Cameron: You're a very nice man. Mitchell and I like you very much.
Barry: Thank you.
Cameron: But I'm- You're welcome. I'm going to take your hand. Yes, I am. Don't give me the coyote look. I'm not a canine. We're gonna walk out of here together. Nobody's gonna hurt you.
Barry: This is not gonna end very well.
Cameron: Let- Give me your hand.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, call 911.
Mitchell: What's happening?
Cameron: Barry's a nut! He's been living in Lily's castle! Ouch!
Barry: Hey, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. I thought he was living upstairs.
Cameron: Just call the police. You want me to stop and give you the whole story?
Barry: I never I never said upstairs.
Cameron: Mitchell, call 911! Stop pinching me!
Mitchell: Okay, just for the record, I was right.
Cameron: I still don't think you should judge people! I said get off me!

Quote from Luke

Luke: Okay, Gloria, what scares you about riding a bike?
Gloria: Losing control and falling down.
Luke: Great. What else?
Gloria: Somebody grabbing me.
Luke: That's weird. What else?
Gloria: Looking foolish.
Luke: Okay. See, all these bad thoughts are holding you back.
Gloria: Hmm.
Luke: So how do we get rid of these bad thoughts? We shoot 'em out.
Gloria: No, don't you dare.
Luke: Ride!

Quote from Claire

Claire: So, why do you wanna move?
Laura: Eh. I want a high-rise with a doorman.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Laura: Besides, this neighborhood's getting a little crazy.
Claire: Oh, tell me about it.
Laura: There's this one wackjob.
Claire: Don't say another word. I bet I know exactly who you're thinking of.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire was furious. She said I betrayed her on every level. So, I called the florist and I have ordered one dozen Mylar balloons. Good luck staying mad, honey.

Quote from Cameron

Barry: So I looked that coyote dead in the eye and I let him know, without saying a word "I will not harm you but I'm the alpha here." And he just stared back at me, mesmerized.
Mitchell: Whoa.
Cameron: Amazing.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Turns out Barry just moved into the apartment upstairs and thought the hot tub was for the whole building. Anyway, he's a super cool guy and he's straight, so there's no weirdness.
Mitchell: Aside from you turning into a 16-year-old girl.
Cameron: I did not. [giggles]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What you doing?
Barry: Oh, I'm studying to be a Reiki master. What I'm doing is I'm transferring my positive energy into Cameron and I'm taking out all the negative energy.
Cameron: Okay.
Barry: Do you feel that?
Cameron: I do.
Barry: Does it feel warm?
Cameron: It does. It feels warm, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Imagine that, in a hot tub.


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