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‘Slow Down Your Neighbors’ Quotes

Modern Family: Slow Down Your Neighbors

211. Slow Down Your Neighbors

Aired January 5, 2011

Phil is caught in the middle when Claire tries to stop a neighbor from speeding around the neighborhood. Mitchell and Cameron meet a charming new neighbor. Meanwhile, Jay teaches Manny how to ride a bike, but Gloria proves a more difficult student.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I wish I were one of those people who thrives on the danger of leading a double life. You know, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.

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Quote from Luke

Luke: What are you gonna do when he drives by?
Claire: I'm gonna tell him to slow down.
Luke: I think you should drag him out of his car and we all get turns punching him in the stomach until he barfs.
Claire: Honey, I think I'm just gonna turn over his license plate to the police.
Luke: Please. Order a pizza and call the cops. We'll see who gets here first.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: My mother thought that riding a bike was dangerous. She would say, "That's how people grab you."

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Bring it, Laura. You wanna test me? I've been tested my whole life. They could never find anything.

Quote from Claire

Haley: "Slow down your neighbors"?
Claire: No. "Slow down," talking to the speeder. Who's talking to the speeder? "Your neighbors."
Luke: It doesn't say that.
Haley: Yeah, it just says, "Slow down your neighbors."
Claire: Phil.
Phil: I know what you were going for but now all I can see is "Slow down your neighbors."
Claire: Well, you're all wrong, 'cause this is incredibly clear.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay. What happened? Did he fall?
Jay: How could he fall? You can't send him to school on a bike with training wheels. They'll make fun of him. Didn't you teach him how to ride a bike?
Gloria: How could I? I don't know how to ride a bike.
Jay: Two-thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay. This is how it's going down. Today I'm driving you to school. On the weekend, I'm buying you a bike and I'm teaching both of you.
Manny: I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
Gloria: You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.
Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What about Thomas? You wrote him off because he serves a salad after the meal which, by the way, is very common in Europe.
Mitchell: What part of Europe is he from? Pretentioustan?
Cameron: Okay, fine. Keep judging. Don't let anyone in. I could care less.
Mitchell: I think you mean you couldn't care less because if you could care less, it means you care a little bit.
I'm going to the hot tub.
Cameron: If I stay here one more minute, my head is literally gonna explode.
Mitchell: I hope not, because if you mean literally-
Cameron: I don't feel safe in my own home!

Quote from Luke

Claire: And it's really important. We need to put these signs up all over the neighborhood.
Phil: I don't know. It seems kind of cowardly. Why don't you just make an anonymous call to the police?
Claire: I called the police, and they were totally unhelpful.
Luke: Surprise, surprise.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub.
Mitchell: Who is it?
Cameron: You do know what "stranger" means, don't you?
Mitchell: Oh, my G- Oh, my God! How long has he been there?
Cameron: I saw him exactly one second before you. You know everything I know.
Mitchell: Okay, I'm calling 911.
Cameron: I'm getting my bat.
[The young man in the hot tub stands up to reveal six-pack abs]
Mitchell: Maybe we're overreacting.
Cameron: He could have a very good reason.
Mitchell: We should at least say hello.
Cameron: It's only polite.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Ever since they put those speed bumps on Oakmont some lunatic driver in a crazy sports car has been racing down our street, and it is dangerous. We've got kids here and babies in strollers and moms who like to jog.
Phil: She has to run every day or she goes crazy. She's like a border collie.
Claire: You're comparing me to a dog?
Phil: The smartest dogs in the world.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, what are you doing? Why are you being such a freak?
Claire: I am being a freak for safety. And I'm doing this for you because I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
Haley: Well, it's embarrassing. Mom, you need a life. Why can't you just volunteer at the museum or bring pudding to old people?

Quote from Phil

Claire: [to Haley] Honey, if anybody's being embarrassing right now, it's you.
Phil: [through megaphone] Luke, I am your father.
Claire: That takes me back to the delivery room.
Phil: That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your mom's lady parts.
Haley: Oh, my God, Dad!

Quote from Jay

Manny: There's a bunch of cool kids who ride their bikes every day. Thought I'd join them.
Jay: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What the hell is that?
Manny: My new bike. Mom got it for me yesterday. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jay: It's got training wheels.
Manny: Nice ones. Custom-made. They don't usually come on bikes this size.
Jay: Gloria!
Manny: What's wrong?
Jay: You don't know how to ride a bike?
Manny: I know how to ride this bike.
Jay: Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Brutal day. I just wanna sit.
Cameron: Perfect. Lily's asleep. Barry's meeting us in the hot tub. If you're feeling stressed, he can give you a treatment.
Mitchell: Ah, that's all right. I have an appointment with Dr. Bigfoot tomorrow.
Cameron: Okay, here comes the judge.
Mitchell: Reiki is a bunch of nonsense, Cam. That guy's a nut.
Cameron: You do this every time. We meet a new friend. They say one thing you don't like and you just write 'em off.
Mitchell: I do not.
Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But yet" Rachel?
Mitchell: "I'd love to go, but yet I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet," not both.
Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Phil, honey, I need your help.
Phil: With what?
Claire: What is the one thing a speeder can't outrun?
Luke: Ooh. Bullets. A laser. Oh, I know. A falcon. Dad, jump in.
Phil: Not a good time.
Luke: A laser-falcon.

Quote from Mitchell

Barry: I just wanna let you guys know you got a sprinkler head that's leaking out there.
Mitchell: Thanks, Barry. I'll let the gardener know.
Barry: All right. Or maybe I can just wave my hands over it and heal it that way. I'm joking.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, God! That was a good one.
Barry: Look, don't worry about it. As soon as I started talking about Reiki I could tell you thought I might be a little nutty.
Mitchell: Ah. Was I that obvious?
Barry: You roll your eyes a lot.
Mitchell: I know. It's true. It's true though. I once saw a picture of myself at a friend's poetry slam and all you could see were the whites of my eyes. Yeah, I looked like Little Orphan Annie. The cartoon.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I've seen the kid fall down on that moving sidewalk at the airport so I didn't have high hopes. But what do you know, the kid was a natural. Gloria, on the other hand, was a natural disaster.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] The problem wasn't me. It was Jay. He's a very bad teacher. Very bossy. I don't respond to that. I need somebody gentle, nurturing like a woman.
[cut to:]
Phil: Hey, Gloria. What's up?
Gloria: Can you teach me how to ride a bike?
Phil: You can't ride a bike? I love that about you. I was beginning to think you didn't have any flaws. Listen, I wish I could, but I'm late for an open house.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I could teach you.
Gloria: Really?
Luke: Sure. I'm a great bike rider. I've taught a bunch of my friends.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I never taught anyone anything. But my playdate canceled, so I was wide open.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] It was the greatest feeling in the world. Luke was right. There was nothing to be afraid of. Ay.
Claire: Get off the bike!
Gloria: Ay! Don't grab me!
Claire: Give it to me.
Gloria: No, no. Don't grab me.
Claire: Go, go, go, go, go, go! Laces, mirror, bell. Slow down, jerk!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Listen, I was thinking about those signs.
Laura: "Slow down your neighbors."
Phil: Actually, I think they meant "Slow down," talking to you. Who's talking? "Your neighbors."

Quote from Luke

Phil: Come on, which civilization invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Which civilization invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Yes, you do. We've been over this a hundred times.
Luke: Allow me, Dad. I'm a great teacher. Who invented the alphabet?
Haley: I don't know.
Phil: Luke!
Haley: I got soaked! What are you doing?
Luke: Say it! Say it!
Phil: Luke, that's enough.
Haley: Oh, my God! I don't know! I don't know! The Phoenicians! The Phoenicians!
Phil: That's right.
Luke: Teacher of the year.
Phil: She's all yours, buddy.


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