Gloria: [aside to camera] I always wanted a daughter. To dress her up with pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. [chuckles] No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everybody that he was my daughter. [laughs] Ay, but just for a few times. I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.

Phil: He's a little jumpy.
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?

Phil: [aside to camera] The thing about me and Jay is that our relationship's always been stuck In that primal place where it started. You know, he's the old silverback protecting his females. Then along comes this younger, stronger gorilla, swinging in, beating his chest, you know. Naturally, the ape ladies come running, presenting their nice scarlet behinds. Papa ape wants to stop all that, but he can't, you know. That's- That's life. I'm not the enemy. The enemy is poachers.

Claire: Alex and I can't just disagree. I mean, she has to turn everything into a fight.
Manny: Hmm, a strong, independent woman. Sounds like somebody else I know.
Claire: I was never hostile, thou. This- This whole thing with the dress- Never had this problem with Haley.
Manny: Maybe Alex doesn't want to compete with her big sister. Maybe she's trying to create her own identity. Put her in a dress and she disappears.
Claire: For one afternoon.
Manny: I wouldn't give up being myself for even one second.
Claire: Wow. Sometimes it's hard to remember you're only 10 years old.
Manny: [with a milk mustache] And three-quarters.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Men need their hobbies. Manny's father had many hobbies, like hiking in the desert, That kind of skiing that they drop you from the... How do you say in English? The [imitates helicopter]
Jay: Helicopter.
Gloria: Yes. Once, on a dare, he even boxed with an alligator.
Jay: Wrestle. You wrestle- You can't box with alligators.
Gloria: Are you sure?
Jay: How would they get the gloves on those little claws?
Gloria: Aren't they like tiny, little hands?
Jay: No!
Jay: Okay, now I forgot what we were talking about.
Gloria: Anyways, hobbies are important for the men, whether you're risking your life or flying little planes from a safe distance.

Claire: So, you and Luke having a good time?
Manny: I don't know. He won't come out of his box. Maybe I'll just stay here and spend some time with my sister.
Claire: Oh, right, I guess, technically, I would be your stepsister.
Manny: My mother says we are never to use the word "step" because it means "not real," and we are a real family.
Claire: Mm.
Manny: So, what is the matter, Claire?
Claire: What?
Manny: You seem sad.
Claire: It's just stuff with Alex. You know, kid stuff.
Manny: Ugh, kids. You don't have to tell me. My school is full of them.

Phil: Dylan! D-money! Chillin' with Dylan the vVillain. "D" to the "Y" to the-
Dylan: Hey, Mr. Dunphy. Hey, come on in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game. Oh, I'm not really a baseball guy. [cellphone beeps] Haley says hi.
Claire: I-I was just being facetious.
Phil: Come on. I'll catch you up. Sit it. Park it. Come on, I don't bite. [growls] Kidding. [chuckles] I'm kidding. Okay, see that guy? He's the tying run. Interesting story about him. He's been stuck on second base forever, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea. How are you and Haley doing?

Mitchell: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?
Cameron: We're just gonna buy some diapers. It'll just take a second.
Mitchell: This is Costco.
Cameron: Yeah, which is where we buy diapers.
Mitchell: Since when?
Cameron: Do you remember when we adopted that baby a few months back? Since then.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell is a snob.
Mitchell: No, n-no, I'm- I'm discerning.
Cameron: Official slogan for snobs. When we first met, he wouldn't even look at me because I was a hick from the farm in Missouri. And he's a big city mouse.
Mitchell: Who says "city mouse"?
Cameron: Country mice.

Alex: Okay, Mom, what about this?
Claire: No, you're wearing a dress.
Alex: [sighs] Mom, come on!
Claire: What? It's gonna kill you to look like a girl for one afternoon?
Alex: But it's a wedding for some friend of yours that I never even heard of.
Claire: It's nonnegotiable. You can borrow a dress of Haley's again.
Alex: No, that sends an ugly message. That I'm Haley. You know, instead of trying to force me to wear a dress, why don't you worry about getting Luke to wear some pants?