‘Spanks for the Memories’
Season 9, Episode 15 - Aired March 7, 2018
When Jay overhears Gloria on the phone talking about spanking, he decides to spice things up in the bedroom. Now that Mitchell has an amazing new job, he and Cameron throw a party to break the news to their friends, who have been pitying him lately. Meanwhile, Phil helps Alex grapple with the question of prestigious internship.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Hey, you. What's going on? You, uh- You texting a boy?
Alex: Just figuring out my summer plans.
Phil: I remember the summer of my junior year. I followed N.W.A. on tour. Nebraskans With Accordions. This was before Polka Pete was brutally murdered, of course.
Quote from Claire
Sam: Okay, well I must say, you do look beautiful. You remind me of my first beard.
Claire: Thank you. I'm a lady in the streets and a freak in the spreadsheets. It's not a bad caption if you're still interested in using me in your magazine.
Quote from Joe
Jay: What are you doing up?
Joe: I can't sleep. Wait. You eat while I'm in bed? Is there a meal I don't know about?
Jay: A couple.
Jay: But you need to hit the hay, buddy. I need you sawin' logs until 0700.
Joe: I don't know what any of that means.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria and I are going through a romantic dry spell. Luckily, she's out tonight with her friend, Rebecca, who is married to a jackass. Gloria always comes home ready to show her appreciation. Suddenly, me going to bed with socks on is not such a deal-breaker.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: [on the phone with her friend] Ay. Joe leaves all his toys on the floor. I tell him to pick them up, but he doesn't listen. I'm telling you, it's a disaster in the bedroom. I don't know what to do. It's like he can't remember where things go. Eventually, I get so frustrated that I take care of it myself. Spanking? Well, yeah, I guess we could try that. Actually, now that you mention it, Javier and I tried it a long time ago. It was a game-changer.
Quote from Alex
Alex: Yeah, this is a little different. I'm actually up for an internship researching the minimal supersymmetric standard model at M.I.T.
Phil: Cool. Beantown.
Alex: I don't know why I'm getting all girly and excited about it. It's not like I'm gonna get it anyways.
Phil: What's with the quitter talk? If you want my advice-
Alex: No, I don't, but thanks. What is all this junk? Fruit Roll-ups, chips, chocolate milk? Ugh.
Phil: Th- There's nothing in the fridge.
Alex: I'm packing you a lunch.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I've always heard there comes a time in life when the kid starts parenting the parents. I thought it would be when I was in my 40s. But I'm pretty mature for my age, and my dad claps when he gets waffle fries.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: I'm here, casually reading a magazine, Jay.
Jay: There's my brainiac. You didn't even have to turn around. You knew it was me.
Gloria: Oh, well, Manny's at school, and Joe doesn't have a key, so-
Jay: What are you tearing through?
Gloria: Nothing. Just, like, a fashion magazine.
Jay: In English, your second language. With all that information in your head, we should be calling you "Encyclopedia Brown" which sounds like a slur, but isn't.
Quote from Phil
Phil: You know why I like the meadow? 'Cause it lets me think about what I want to do next. Should I battle the ogre or brave the Swamps of Despair? Should I take the super stressful internship in Boston, or am I doing that just because I think I'm supposed to?
Alex: [scoffs] I beat out hundreds of candidates. I would be working with the pre-eminent scholar in the field. This is the chance of a lifetime.
Phil: Yeah, but it's your lifetime. It's okay to enjoy it.
Alex: [sighs] No one turns this down.
Phil: Well, you always liked being the first one to do something. Give yourself the summer you want. You've collected enough gold ingots to buy yourself some time off.
Alex: It won't make me lazy, will it?
Phil: Honey, you walked at six months, spoke at a year, and your first words were "Sorry it took me so long to walk."
Quote from Jay
Jay: What's this?
Gloria: Oh, you know what? I think that is the hat that Manny uses to play charades.
Jay: That's a relief, because I don't think I'm flexible enough for a "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] I recently got a pretty fancy job working for billionaire Michael Quinly. It's kind of a big deal.
Cameron: It is a big deal. Now, admittedly, throwing a party to celebrate your own reversal of fortune could be seen as braggy. Sort of a rags-to-bitches story, if you will.
Mitchell: Then again, for a while now, when I've been telling my friends that I was struggling, they'd give me "that look" the one that's mostly sympathetic with just a touch of enjoying my pain. So, today, I get the other look the one that's mostly "I'm so happy for you" with just a hint of "I am wracked with jealousy." It'll be good to see the old gang again.