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‘Spanks for the Memories’ Quotes

Modern Family: Spanks for the Memories

915. Spanks for the Memories

Aired March 7, 2018

When Jay overhears Gloria on the phone talking about spanking, he decides to spice things up in the bedroom. Now that Mitchell has an amazing new job, he and Cameron throw a party to break the news to their friends, who have been pitying him lately. Meanwhile, Phil helps Alex grapple with the question of prestigious internship.

Quote from Claire

Sam: Okay, well I must say, you do look beautiful. You remind me of my first beard.
Claire: Thank you. I'm a lady in the streets and a freak in the spreadsheets. It's not a bad caption if you're still interested in using me in your magazine.

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Quote from Joe

Joe: Daddy.
Jay: What are you doing up?
Joe: I can't sleep. Wait. You eat while I'm in bed? Is there a meal I don't know about?
Jay: A couple.
Jay: But you need to hit the hay, buddy. I need you sawin' logs until 0700.
Joe: I don't know what any of that means.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria and I are going through a romantic dry spell. Luckily, she's out tonight with her friend, Rebecca, who is married to a jackass. Gloria always comes home ready to show her appreciation. Suddenly, me going to bed with socks on is not such a deal-breaker.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [on the phone with her friend] Ay. Joe leaves all his toys on the floor. I tell him to pick them up, but he doesn't listen. I'm telling you, it's a disaster in the bedroom. I don't know what to do. It's like he can't remember where things go. Eventually, I get so frustrated that I take care of it myself. Spanking? Well, yeah, I guess we could try that. Actually, now that you mention it, Javier and I tried it a long time ago. It was a game-changer.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, you. What's going on? You, uh you texting a boy?
Alex: Just figuring out my summer plans.
Phil: I remember the summer of my junior year. I followed N.W.A. on tour. Nebraskans With Accordions. This was before Polka Pete was brutally murdered, of course.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Yeah, this is a little different. I'm actually up for an internship researching the minimal supersymmetric standard model at M.I.T.
Phil: Cool. Beantown.
Alex: I don't know why I'm getting all girly and excited about it. It's not like I'm gonna get it anyways.
Phil: What's with the quitter talk? If you want my advice-
Alex: No, I don't, but thanks. What is all this junk? Fruit Roll-ups, chips, chocolate milk? Ugh.
Phil: Th- There's nothing in the fridge.
Alex: I'm packing you a lunch.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I've always heard there comes a time in life when the kid starts parenting the parents. I thought it would be when I was in my 40s. But I'm pretty mature for my age, and my dad claps when he gets waffle fries.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I'm here, casually reading a magazine, Jay.
Jay: There's my brainiac. You didn't even have to turn around. You knew it was me.
Gloria: Oh, well, Manny's at school, and Joe doesn't have a key, so-
Jay: What are you tearing through?
Gloria: Nothing. Just, like, a fashion magazine.
Jay: In English, your second language. With all that information in your head, we should be calling you "Encyclopedia Brown" which sounds like a slur, but isn't.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know why I like the meadow? 'Cause it lets me think about what I want to do next. Should I battle the ogre or brave the Swamps of Despair? Should I take the super stressful internship in Boston, or am I doing that just because I think I'm supposed to?
Alex: [scoffs] I beat out hundreds of candidates. I would be working with the pre-eminent scholar in the field. This is the chance of a lifetime.
Phil: Yeah, but it's your lifetime. It's okay to enjoy it.
Alex: [sighs] No one turns this down.
Phil: Well, you always liked being the first one to do something. Give yourself the summer you want. You've collected enough gold ingots to buy yourself some time off.
Alex: It won't make me lazy, will it?
Phil: Honey, you walked at six months, spoke at a year, and your first words were "Sorry it took me so long to walk."

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's this?
Gloria: Oh, you know what? I think that is the hat that Manny uses to play charades.
Jay: That's a relief, because I don't think I'm flexible enough for a "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I recently got a pretty fancy job working for billionaire Michael Quinly. It's kind of a big deal.
Cameron: It is a big deal. Now, admittedly, throwing a party to celebrate your own reversal of fortune could be seen as braggy. Sort of a rags-to-bitches story, if you will.
Mitchell: Then again, for a while now, when I've been telling my friends that I was struggling, they'd give me "that look" the one that's mostly sympathetic with just a touch of enjoying my pain. So, today, I get the other look the one that's mostly "I'm so happy for you" with just a hint of "I am wracked with jealousy." It'll be good to see the old gang again.

Quote from Phil

Alex: What are you even still doing home? Don't you usually open your magic shop by now?
Phil: Yeah. I'm just going in a little late.
Alex: Doesn't sound good for business. And I saw you sneak those carrots out of your lunch.
Phil: I'm trying to avoid one of the other shop owners. Kind of an intimidating character. It started with a dispute over a parking space and escalated from there.
Alex: Hey we don't avoid bullies in this family. We stand up to them. Off you go.
Phil: I don't think you realize what kind of person I'm up against. Yesterday, all my dribble glasses were replaced with real ones. It was humiliating.

Quote from Longinus

Mitchell: So, Long', we have a lot to catch up on. What's up?
Longinus: Not my weight. The Tom Brady diet changed the way I see the world. [to Cameron holding the Hors d'oeuvres] Food, not food, super-food, poison.

Quote from Cameron

Sam: Great party, boys. We need to talk about the piano in the room.
Mitchell: Uh, well, yes, so, okay, okay. [chuckles] So, Cam has always wanted one, and frankly, it has been out of our price range until this week. Fun story. It turns out that I-
Sam: I'm being rude. Sam Turnbull.
Claire: Oh! Claire Dunphy. Hi. You are the editor of L.A. Woman magazine, right?
Cameron: I believe it's pronounced [French accent] "La Woman."
Sam: It isn't.

Quote from Claire

Claire: It's funny because your office called my business last week. Apparently, I'm on some short list for the Women in Business issue.
Sam: Closets, right?
Claire: Yeah. I shattered the glass ceiling and ironically, we have a new glass-ceiling closet. You can see if it's raining when you're getting dressed. Gonna save a lot of suede.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hi, everyone. So, we are about to get to know one another on a deeper, more personal level. I think you all know what the bowl is for. Hey, no. Not your keys, Jotham. Your phones! We are about to rediscover the long-lost art of conversation.
Jotham: What if the sitter calls?
Cameron: Your dog will be fine. Phones, gentlemen, phones.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Uh, it's a difficult subject. Gloria and I are having an issue in the bedroom.
Claire: Okay.
Jay: There's been a drop-off of pace and intensity. I get the impression she's looking for, maybe, a little more variety.
Claire: Mm.
Jay: But you can't blame her. I've been using the same moves since the '70s. I may as well be doing "The Hustle" in there.
Claire: I'm just gonna wet my whistle.
Jay: I heard her tell her friend last night about wanting to be spanked. And later, the opportunity presented itself, and-
Claire: No, you didn't. You didn't.
Jay: Three times.
Claire: Oh, God. Why three times, Dad?
Jay: I don't know. Maybe all those years of ping-pong in the warehouse. I've got very agile wrists.

Quote from Jay

Claire: When you did what you did to Gloria, you made the sex all about her body, and a woman wants it to be about the mind.
Jay: Oh, crap. I was afraid it would be about that sort of thing.
Claire: Look, she is an intelligent, interesting woman. And you just need to remind her that you notice that unlike, say, I don't know, L.A. Woman magazine, that only cares about how a woman looks.
Jay: So, we're off my thing, huh?
Claire: Hopefully forever, yes. I ran into the editor of that magazine over at Cam and Mitch's today, and you know what? He looks me up and down. Suddenly, I am off their women-in-business list.
Jay: So, L.A. Woman is its own magazine now? I remember when it was the back page of L.A. Man.
Claire: Well, I suppose I'm just not as glamorous as Linda Vaughn, the queen of corrective shoes.
Jay: And this has nothing to do with the fact that you showed up looking like someone who just watered some horses?

Quote from Jay

Claire: What about merit?
Jay: I hear you. But you got to play the game. I didn't get on the cover of Closet Time's September '78 issue by wearing Jordache jeans one size too big.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why haven't you been texting me back?
Mitchell: Well, uh-
Gloria: You're judging us, aren't you?
Mitchell: No.
Gloria: This is nothing compared to the things that I have heard that you two do-
Mitchell: Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. I-I never saw your text, okay? All of our phones are in a bowl.
Gloria: Oh, it's that kind of party.
Mitchell: What do you think that we do?
Gloria: I have a problem.
Mitchell: Well, can it wait? I have guests.
Gloria: Your father spanked me.
Mitchell: Eh, it's a buffet. They'll be fine.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What did you do?
Gloria: I screamed, he ran away. And now I think he's embarrassed.
Mitchell: Okay, okay. For what it's worth, sometimes people do things to other people that they want done to themselves. [looking at Cameron] Sometimes, for years on end.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: So, you think that Jay wants me to spank him?
Cameron: Well, if he's like some of the successful, powerful men I've been with, yes.
Mitchell: Who are those men?
Cameron: What are these things I don't do?

Quote from Alex

Alex: I just need your signature on my insurance form.
Phil: I told you to stay positive. How much fun is this gonna be?
Alex: It's really not about fun. It's gonna be a lot of hard work. The pressure's off the charts.
Phil: Well, that would explain the mental-health waiver.
Alex: The last undergrad they let into the program completely snapped. They found her wandering the Freedom Trail wearing nothing but her safety goggles.

Quote from Alex

Phil: It's a role-playing game. I'm Zorel, a 19th-level wizard with 30 gold ingots and a cow who used to be my son.
Alex: I'm familiar with the game. I go to Cal-Tech. The guy who invented it gave our commencement speech last year.

Quote from Cameron

Jotham: Why is your piano covered with a sheet?
Cameron: Oh, um, well, because they recommend it. They say even five minutes of direct sunlight on a new piano like this, your keyboard turns into something like an English person's teeth, so...

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hi, Sam.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Okay, you're that desperate to get into the magazine.
Claire: No. I am going to expose him for the fraud that he is. He claims that his precious little list is merit-based. When I was wearing sweatpants, he wasn't interested. Now that I've gussied up a little-
Mitchell: He's gonna put you on the cover.
Claire: Really? Do you think? Shut up.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So I couldn't have been more wrong about our friends. I mean, yes, yes, they can be snarky at times, but when I really needed their support, they were completely there for me.
Cameron: You know, you should take a look at your life and see what happened to make you so untrusting.
Mitchell: I should. G-Gaw! And to think we we locked them in that bathroom for no reason.
Cameron: That couldn't have been fun.
Mitchell: Yeah, I know. Uh, the same thing happened to me once, remember? When that the handle accidentally fell off. The- The- The night of our first fight.
Cameron: Yeah. Yeah, vaguely. [Cameron gets up and walks away]
Mitchell: That was an accident, right? Cam.
Lily: [o.s.] Did you fix the doorknob yet?
Cameron: Just another minute, sweetie.
Mitchell: Cam!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I talked to Joe about what he saw, and he's not scared anymore.
Jay: Great. Can you do the same for me?
Gloria: I'm sorry I did that to you, but I really thought that that's what you wanted because that's what you did to me.
Jay: But I heard you tell Rebecca you thought that spanking would help.
Gloria: With Joe and his room.
Jay: So it was a misunderstanding.
Gloria: Exactly.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Yeah, but, you know, that nothing is missing doesn't mean that we cannot add a little something to it.
Jay: Yes, I'm being honest. I've got a few requests for the band.
Gloria: Like what?
Jay: You know, I feel weird talking about it. Why don't we write some of this stuff down, toss it in a hat, and see what we pull out?
Gloria: Ah!
Jay: You fired that right off.
Gloria: That one sounds fun.
Jay: [laughs] No peeking.
Gloria: Ay, I said I was gonna do that one.
Jay: Oh. Right. Let's take it upstairs.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You ready for round two?
Gloria: Of course I am.
Jay: What are you doing down there?
Gloria: It says, "My left foot."
Jay: You got another movie.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: God, that was amazing. What do you call that?
Mitchell: That's a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [o.s.] You sure about this?
Claire: Honey, don't give me a chance to change my mind.
Phil: I am Zorel, fifth-level wizard, master of the meadow.
Claire: You can keep the beard, but no talking.


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