Cameron: Okay, this is a disaster! We have no one to marry us!
Phil: Dearly beloved, that is a problem.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Yep. Thanks to $35 and the internet, you are looking at the good reverend Phillip Humphrey Dunphy. Over the last year, I've dropped a few subtle hints to Mitch and Cam that I was available.

Eric: But we've only been together four months.
Sal: I just love you so much, I can't wait to have your baby. God! Kids ruin everything!
Claire: Yeah, they sure do.
Eric: Let's get you to the hospital and have our miracle baby.
Sal: Okay. Just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early, they're black.

[As Manny and Luke stand in front of the wedding arch]
Manny: Isn't there a lot you have to remember to marry people?
Phil: Not really. They all follow the same basic pattern. "We're gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony." "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" And the first person says-
Luke: I do?
Phil: Right. Then I ask the second person, "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" You know the drill, right?
Manny: I do.
Phil: Then I say, "By the powers vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you legally wed." Bingo, bango, bongo, you're married.
Luke: Awesome.
Alex: [filming on her phone] Really awesome.

Cameron: How is this place even available?
Pepper: Oh, dreadful story. Runaway bride, suicidal groom, feuding families. It really puts our mundane problems in perspective.
Ronaldo: Oh, we can't dim the lights.
Pepper: Then break some. These are not young men!

Pepper: [on the phone] Just get another caterer here or these people will be eating butterfly bisque!
Cameron: Okay, I'm trying to remain calm, but you realize that's another sign of the apocalypse, right? Famine?
Mitchell: He sounds as bad as Steven, Stefan, and Longinus.
Cameron: Oh, so what you're saying is we have four hoarse men?

Claire: I remember it like it was yesterday, the day that Mitchell came home from the hospital in a very unfashionable white diaper with three strands of scraggly Raggedy Andy hair. We were inseparable. I was his big sister, his big brother, his nemesis, his protector, his best friend. I was his first partner. And I loved every minute of it. So naturally, I was a little picky when it came to who was going to be replacing me. And then I met this Cam. And sure, he was warm and funny and loving. I wondered, "Was he really everything I wanted for my brother? "Was he really the best person?" No, I'm the best person. And now I am very pleased to raise a glass and introduce for the first time ever, on our fourth try, great husbands, Mitch and Cam.

Phil: Thank you all for being here on this happy occasion. They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic. Believe me. I know. We're gathered here today to join two amazing people. Cameron, do you take Mitchell to be your husband?
Cameron: I do.
Phil: Cameron, would you please place this ring on Mitchell's finger? Mitchell, do you take Cameron to be your husband?
Mitchell: I do.
Phil: Then by the powers vested in me by the state of California, I am privileged to pronounce you spouses for life. You may now kiss your husband.

Ronaldo: What's wrong with your voice?
Longinus: The three of us just took a road trip.
Stefan: We sang Broadway tunes all the way to the Texas border.
Longinus: And then from the other side of Texas to Florida.

Mitchell: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you're evacuating the whole area, can't you just do us last?
Fireman: I don't think you realize how close you are to actual flames.
Pepper: Hello. Pepper Saltzman. Big supporter of yours. Have all your calendars.

Cameron: We've waited 10 years. Can we please have an hour?
Fireman: I can give you 30 minutes.
Pepper: We can make that work! The wedding will go on just in a slightly pared-down version. Claire, you're up front. Flower girl, strewing. Grooms, come with me. "Ooh! Ahh! They look so handsome!" Quartet, quartet, quartet! And cue Sal. Start after your limerick.
Sal: Oh, god, no!
Pepper: Ugh! We're all making sacrifices, dear. I have a Prius full of monarch butterflies who are apparently coming home with me.