TV Quotes

Claire: Last night I know I got kind of carried away.
Phil: No, you don't need to apologize.
Claire: I don't think that I was apologi-
Phil: You were right to be mad.
Claire: Sometimes I just feel like I have to scream to let you know how upset I am. But you get it now, right?
Phil: I do...
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Not. No idea whatsoever. Oh, if I knew. But no.
[back:]
Claire: Good. So let's pretend the whole thing never happened.
Phil: What were we even fighting about, huh?

Luke: What the heck happened in here? The raccoon get through the dog door again?
Phil: Yep. The raccoon got in and your mom fought it off with the fire extinguisher.
Luke: You're a mess. Are you okay?
Phil: Careful, buddy. Not today. I think you look beautiful.
Claire: Save it.

Cameron: Grab the other end of this and help me get it out of here. I have to start setting up the chairs for tonight.
Mitchell: Oh, tonight? What's tonight?
Cameron: Are you kidding me? This is what I'm talking about, Mitchell. You never listen when I-
Mitchell: It's a fund-raiser for The Friends of the Third Street Overpass Music Society. Two harpists are performing. You're anxious 'cause Andrew your nemesis from the steering committee, ran the event last year and you want to upstage him. I was kidding.
Cameron: Ha.

Mitchell: You act like you listen to every single thing that I say, but you don't.
Cameron: Don't I, Mitchell?
[flashback:]
Cameron: Hey, I'm going to the store. Do you need me to pick anything up?
Mitchell: [Mitchell talks intelligibly while brushing his teeth]
[later:]
Cameron: Razor blades, saline solution, black socks, and the new issue of Vanity Fair.
Mitchell: Wow. I don't even remember asking for all that. Thank you.

Jay: How'd this thing come off anyway?
Claire: Well, I was cooking dinner and-
Phil: Right. And the raccoon just walked in the-
Claire: And I already had the door open.
Phil: Right. Which, I had already had ahold of the handle-
Jay: Why don't you two go work on your story and come back?

Haley: I won't be home till late. I have another shift at the restaurant.
Phil: That's our workin' girl. Let the river run, honey.
Haley: Check it. $57 in tips from last night. Holler!
Claire: Honey, that's impressive. You know what? Fifty-seven from you, 57 from us. You keep this up, we are going to be buying you a car by the summer.

Jay: I can't fix this thing.
Claire: What? I need that. I use it every day. Okay, Phil. You wanna take a trip to the mall with me?
Phil: I do...
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Not. If I can possibly avoid it. Claire has this little habit at the mall where sh- I can't even talk about it.

Gloria: Jay, come on. I wanna go home because you said you were going to film me doing the karaoke so I can send it to Colombia to my mother.
Phil: Claire, um, about the mall I was actually gonna run out and get my haircut this afternoon.
Jay: Well, hang on here. Why don't I run Claire down to the mall and you give Phil a haircut? You're always talking about how you miss working at the salon.
Gloria: I guess I could. I do Jay. Why can't I do you?
Phil: You- You can do me.
Gloria: Okay. Let's get this party started. You know that song? # Let's #
Jay: Hey, let's go! Let's go! Wastin' time.

Cameron: [over headset] Luke, how are those chairs coming? Come in.
Luke: I think you should come in. Come in.
Cameron: Oh, now I'm worried about the flow. The eye should go to the harps, not the backs of chairs.
Luke: Are you gonna get upset and start eating all the appetizers again?
Cameron: It is amazing what you notice and what you don't notice. [pointing to Luke's shirt poking out of his fly] Please handle that. I need to think.
Luke: Come on, Luke.

Waitress: Hi there. Is your father home?
Luke: I think so. Why?
Cameron: Oh, oh, the wait staff. Please, Luke, show them to the kitchen, please.

Cameron: Oh, hello, Andrew.
Andrew: Nice chair backs. I just thought you could use this. It's the sign-in book from my event last year. Let me just turn to the blank pages which should be- Oh! No, it's full.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you for thinking of us. But shouldn't you be getting back home to Donald? That is the name of your cat, isn't it?
Andrew: I'll see you at 7:00.
Cameron: Drive safely. [to Luke] What did I tell you?
Luke: She's even worse than you said.

Gloria: Hold still. You can't move like that. It's like cutting the hair of a cuckoo bird.
Phil: I'm sorry. I'm just a little tense today.
Gloria: I knew it. Something happened. Because when somebody works in a salon, they know when someone needs to talk.
Phil: Actually you might be able to help me with this one. Claire and I got into a huge fight last night, and I'm not even sure what it was about.
Gloria: Was that why you didn't want to go to the mall with her?
Phil: No. That was more about a weird mall habit Claire has.

Claire: [on massage table] Oh, my God, that's good. Oh, oh. Go low, go low, go low, go low. Oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Dad Dad, you've gotta get one of these. Oh

Manny: You know, I stopped by the restaurant a couple times and she wasn't there.
Alex: When?
Manny: Uh, I don't remember. I was at the mall for a movie.
Alex: Think! I need details.
Manny: Okay. It was a romantic comedy my now ex-friend Reuben recommended-
Alex: Not about the movie. What day? Focus!
Manny: Okay. Uh, it was Tuesday. But I also ate there again on Saturday, and she wasn't there then either.
Alex: Oh, my God. I bet she doesn't even work there.
Manny: Then where's all this money coming from?
Alex: Do you notice how every single night is just under $60? Grandpa gave her $60 for her birthday. She's just hangin' around the mall all day flashing the same cash every night and fooling my parents into buying her a car.

Claire: Are you serious? You are. You don't know. We've had this conversation a hundred times. You know, no. No. I'm not- I'm not doing this again. You tell me what you did.
Phil: Uh-
Claire: "Uh."
Phil: W-Was it-
Claire: "Was it"-
Phil: Ah
Claire: "Ah" No, Phil. No, no, no, no. No! I'm going to get some air.
Phil: Claire. Claire!
Claire: No, don't follow me.
Phil: Happy "Valenbirthaversary"!

Claire: Phil! Phil, you moron! Stop it!
Phil: Oh! I'm sorry!
Claire: It's me, you idiot! What are you doing?
Phil: I'm sorry. I thought you were a raccoon.
Claire: You thought I was a raccoon! Because people look so much like raccoons. Oh, look. There's one now.

Phil: So I'm having lunch with Skip Woosnum, right? Boy, can that guy go on and on. Tangent after tangent. By the way, he turned me on to the greatest thing wedge salad. You gotta try it. Anyhoo, guess who's sitting at the table next to us. My old girlfriend Carla. Yeah. We're gonna grab coffee. She's lost a ton of weight.

Gloria: You didn't do one thing wrong. You do everything wrong! I don't even know why she talks to you.
Phil: She said she was okay.
Gloria: No. No woman is okay with this. We don't forget. We wait. And then, when you least expect it, we make you pay. Chin up. Up!

Jay: So you had a meltdown over that?
Claire: I did. Because ever since I met him, I've been trying to get Phil to try a wedge salad. The minute that Skip Woosnum - whom he doesn't even like - suggests it, Phil thinks it's the greatest thing ever. And he does this with everything. He does it with books, with movies, with TV. He listens to everybody's opinion but mine, and it drives me crazy.

Cameron: Get me your uncle Mitchell.
Luke: I don't know his number.
[Cameron dials and hands the phone to Luke]
Luke: It went to voice mail.
Cameron: Of course it did. Keep trying him until you get him. It's one button. Redial.

Luke: [on the phone] Uncle Cam for Uncle Mitchell.
Cameron: How could you, Mitchell? Honestly! Give me that. You wanna hear the guest list for tonight? So far it's anger, betrayal, terror and sadness! Congratulations, Mitchell! You packed the house.
Mitchell: Cam, I am so sorry.

Mitchell: [on the phone] I'm- I'm gonna fix it. I'll make a big donation.
Cameron: That's not gonna keep them from kicking me off the steering committee when Andrew walks in here and sees a room full of empty chairs!
Mitchell: You know he's not really your archenemy. That's sort of a made-up thing.
Cameron: [high-pitched] Fix it!

Haley: You came!
Claire: Of course, we did. We wanted to see you work.
Phil: We're so proud of you, sweetheart.
Alex: Yeah, we're all proud. So, where's our table?
Haley: Actually, bad news. We're totally booked. We have a ton of reservations.
Alex: Yeah, one's ours. I called. Here it is.

Phil: Well, this is nice. Me, my gals and my beautiful, beautiful wife. Just so you know, I rescheduled with Carla. I penciled her in for the 12th of never.
Claire: That's too bad. I was kind of looking forward to hearing about that one.
Phil: Oh. By the way no one called for you while you were out.
Claire: Thank you.
Phil: I just wanna make sure you get any messages from any friends that might call, which none of them did.
Alex: Isn't it weird that Haley's the only one here not wearing a name tag?
Phil: If your mother had a name tag, it would say "Good Driver."

Phil: Well, what could be better than drinks with a beautiful woman? And every beautiful woman deserves flowers... cauliflowers.

Phil: All right. What looks good?
Claire: Oh, gosh.
Phil: Ooh, here's something that jumps right off the page.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Phil: I tried this yesterday, thanks to my good friend Skip Woosnum. Claire, do yourself a favor and join me in a wedge salad.
Claire: You have got to be kidding me!
Phil: Just try it. You will thank me.
Claire: Did you learn nothing from last night?
Alex: Whoa.
Phil: It was about the salad?
Claire: I have been recommending wedge salads to you amongst other things, for years, and you never listen to me. And then some idiot suggests it, and you can't wait to try a wedge salad? It makes me feel like I don't matter.

Haley: Thanks a lot, Dad. Mom's little outburst just got me fired.
Phil: Okay. I gotta talk to your mom. You comfort your sister.
Alex: She never worked here!

Phil: I wanna show you something.
Claire: Let me guess. It's a copy of The Book Thief that I begged you to read but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.
Phil: Remember this?
Claire: Uh-huh.
Phil: It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.
Claire: God, I hated that ponytail.
Phil: I know. You said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer, so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.
Claire: I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life.
Phil: No, no. You're the witch who saved me. Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You've changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a salad here and there but I've got Claire all over me.
Claire: You're about to.

Gloria: [microphone feedback] That's the worst sound in the world.
Jay: Is it?

Mitchell: I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but I need to do a better job of listening to you.
Cameron: No, you did the best you could. Plus, this is double what Andrew had last year for Cello Submarine.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Cameron: How are you sitting at a harp and not scoring this moment? Ladies. [snaps fingers]

Jay: [aside to camera] You can't have a successful marriage without being a good listener. Sometimes it takes a little work. Sometimes it takes a lot of work. And sometimes it's just excruciating.