TV Quotes

Jay: [singing] Oh, Danny boy The pipes The pipes are calling From glen to glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone And all the roses-
Manny: You keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull.

Gloria: That's it! How is she supposed to see this? If you give me a message this tiny, I kill you.

Gloria: That's it! You insult a woman's driving and you use the air bunnies. You do that to me and I kill you.

Manny: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I can't take it anymore! Okay, it's not singing, it's screaming. Mom, I love you. But for the love of God destroy that thing before it destroys this family! [to Jay] Coward.
Jay: I think you sound great. But if it bothers the kid-
Manny: Coward!

Jay: [aside to camera] One time I forgot to get Gloria a birthday present, and I paid for it. Another time I remembered, but she didn't like the gift. I paid for that. So you'd think when I remember to buy her a gift, and she loves it I wouldn't have to pay for it, right?
[cut to Gloria using a karaoke machine:]
Gloria: [singing] Just call me angel of the morning, angel Touch my cheeks before you leave me, baby Call me angel of the morning Yeah

Cameron: So that was Andrew, who practically choked telling me that no one had called in their regrets for the event tonight. It is gonna be a full house!
Mitchell: That must feel great.
Cameron: Oh, I never thought I would enjoy having an archenemy. But I do, Mitchell. I do.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Yes, I put Cam's invites in my car to take 'em to the post office and then threw my gym bag on top of them and completely forgot they existed. Ugh, I feel terrible. Haven't been to the gym in six weeks. And I ruined Cam's event.

Manny: It is impressive how much Haley's earning. She has over $500 already. That's a lot of cheddar.
Alex: Why is everyone acting like she's the first 17-year-old to have a job? In other cultures she'd have two kids already and they'd have jobs.

Gloria: How stupid are you? You tell me that you're seeing an old girlfriend and I-
Phil: Kill me, I know.

Jay: You two seemed fine this morning.
Claire: Well, we were because we talked about it. Which, by the way, if you want this whole karaoke thing with Gloria to go away, that's what you need to do.
Jay: That's easier said than done.
Claire: Oh, since when do you shy away from confrontation? Mr. Tough Talk. Mr. Straight Shooter. Gettin' a little soft, Grandpa?
Jay: You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Cameron: Luke, phone.
Luke: [answering phone] Friends of the Third Street-
Cameron: Is that Mitchell? What's taking him?
Luke: No, it's not Mitchell. It's- I don't understand his name.
Cameron: Hello? Oh, hi, Longinus.

Cameron: [on the phone] Listen. Did you get my message? About the Chiavari chairs I want you to bring 'em when you come. What do you mean, you're not not coming? Well, that's not possible. Mitch Mitch mailed them weeks ago. What about Pepper? Did he get his? And L'Michael? And Steven and Stefan? And Bob? I have to go.

Haley: Uh, so your table is right here.
Claire: Oh, honey, would you mind getting us a couple drinks? I would love an iced tea.
Phil: Same, please.
Alex: I'll have a mango-kiwi smoothie, yogurt instead of ice cream, and make it low-fat. I wanna look good when I'm riding in your new car.

Waitress: Were you all done here?
Haley: A-Actually, no. Um, I will have more iced tea, another iced tea and a mango-kiwi smoothie, all ice cream. I'm pregnant.

Alex: I wanna hear the specials.
Haley: Uh, we're out of specials.
Alex: What were they?
Haley: Popular. Which you wouldn't understand.

Claire: I take it you haven't had your conversation with Gloria yet?
Jay: It's gettin' worse. She sang all the way here. We passed two cars, the dogs stuck their heads back inside the window.

Cameron: What are we gonna do?
Luke: I could start a fire.
Cameron: No. Well, keep that in your back pocket.

Claire: Last night I know I got kind of carried away.
Phil: No, you don't need to apologize.
Claire: I don't think that I was apologi-
Phil: You were right to be mad.
Claire: Sometimes I just feel like I have to scream to let you know how upset I am. But you get it now, right?
Phil: I do...
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Not. No idea whatsoever. Oh, if I knew. But no.
[back:]
Claire: Good. So let's pretend the whole thing never happened.
Phil: What were we even fighting about, huh?

Luke: What the heck happened in here? The raccoon get through the dog door again?
Phil: Yep. The raccoon got in and your mom fought it off with the fire extinguisher.
Luke: You're a mess. Are you okay?
Phil: Careful, buddy. Not today. I think you look beautiful.
Claire: Save it.

Cameron: Grab the other end of this and help me get it out of here. I have to start setting up the chairs for tonight.
Mitchell: Oh, tonight? What's tonight?
Cameron: Are you kidding me? This is what I'm talking about, Mitchell. You never listen when I-
Mitchell: It's a fund-raiser for The Friends of the Third Street Overpass Music Society. Two harpists are performing. You're anxious 'cause Andrew your nemesis from the steering committee, ran the event last year and you want to upstage him. I was kidding.
Cameron: Ha.