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41Quotes from ‘Coal Digger’

Modern Family: Coal Digger

105. Coal Digger

Aired October 21, 2009

After Luke and Manny get into a fight at school, family tension comes to a head as everyone gathers at Jay's house for a barbecue.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire likes to say, you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Well, I happen to believe that you can be both.

Quote from Luke

Phil: There's our little roustabouts! You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh? We can learn so much from the children. I bet it seems kind of silly now what you were fighting about.
Luke: I made fun of his accent.
Gloria: [heavily accented] What accent?
Manny: I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.
Luke: I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.
Gloria: What?
Manny: He said you were a coal digger.
Phil: Okay, I think we can move on!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] If I say something everybody's thinking, does that make me a mean person? Or does it make me a brave person? One who is courageous enough to stand up and say something behind someone's back to a 10-year old?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We're at the 10 We're at the 5 We're at the 1 Daddy, we're scoring a touchdown!
Mitchell: Please don't spike our baby. Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?
Cameron: She's a referee.
Mitchell: Do we even have to go to my dad's tonight?
Cameron: Are you kidding me? We're playing Ohio State.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I collect antique fountain pens, I'm quite adept at Japanese flower arrangement - Ikebana, and I was a starting offensive lineman at the University of Illinois. Surprise!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know what? Fine. Stay home with your little jagged scissors, maybe catch up on your scrapbooking.
Mitchell: You loved scrapbooking!
Cameron: Did I, Mitchell? Did I?
Mitchell: Stop. Don't do the "double question to prove a point" thing. I hate it when people do that.
Cameron: [holding Lily out] Do you, Mitchell? Do you?
Mitchell: Stop. Lily.

Quote from Luke

Gloria: Who said I was a coal digger?
Luke: That's what my mom told me.
Alex: What's a coal digger?
Phil: Sweetheart, he heard it wrong. It's "gold digger."
Haley: [on phone] I'm gonna have to call you back.
Claire: I really do not think that I remember ever saying that.
Luke: Well, you said it in the car, you said it at Christmas, you said it in the Mexican restaurant...
Claire: Okay, Mr. "Leaves his sweatshirts at school every day" suddenly remembers everything. Thank you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let me ask you something. Your sister said that Gloria would never go for anybody who looked like me. Now, you guys basically are like women. You know, you look at guys. So what do you think?
Mitchell: You're seriously asking us if you're attractive?
Jay: Well, I know I'm no Erik Estrada or anything. I'm just curious is all.
Mitchell: Dad.
Jay: So, if I was in one of your bars and Righteous Brothers were on, would you... I don't know. Check me out?
Mitchell: Dad, you're really close to ruining gay for me.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You heard how she said that, right? "Yes". She thought Luke was the weird one. Luke.
[cut to:]
Gloria: Her kid gets his head stuck in the furniture, and Manny is the different one.
[back:]
Claire: Our son is not weird. I will tell you what's weird, is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, my interest in football ended as suddenly and dramatically as the climax of "West Side Story." I'm a musical-theater fan.
Cameron: Surprise!

Quote from Manny

Jay: Oh, and Gloria, if you want to get together with the girls later, I could just watch the football game or something.
Manny: That means he wants to watch the game.
Jay: I'm not talking to you. And what are you drinking coffee for, anyway?
Manny: It's my culture. I'm Colombian.
Jay: Oh, yeah? What part of Colombia are those French toaster sticks from?

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's the Ohio State game.
Gloria: So, everybody can watch.
Jay: I dislike watching the game with people who don't know the game. People talk.
Manny: You talk at my football games.
Jay: For one thing, it's called soccer. Your team's scored two goals all season. I'm not taking a big risk.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, mom? Can I have $40 for lunch?
Claire: $40?
Haley: I also need a book for school.
Claire: What book?
Haley: I want a dress.
Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex: I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Luke, come on, we're late!
Claire: There's a first Inside out and backwards. At least it isn't zipped into his... There it is.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Well, there's book smart, and then there's street smart.
Claire: Yeah, and then there's Luke.
Phil: He's just curious, that's all. He's got this almost scientific mind with a thirst for knowledge. He's like this little Einstein. Some people ask "why?" Luke asks, "why not?"
Claire: I ask "why" a lot.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I don't like football.
Cameron: You know, I thought being in a relationship is pretending to enjoy your partner's interests. Do you think I really loved home pickle making?
Mitchell: Yeah, 'cause you did.
Cameron: For a week, until we became the weird guys who gave everybody pickles. "Oh, thank you, Marvin, for inviting us into your lovely home. Here, would you care for a sack of pickles?"
Mitchell: It was charming.
Cameron: We were picklers, Mitchell.

Quote from Luke

Claire: So, what happened?
Principal: Apparently, there was some name-calling and shoving on the playground. By the time a teacher separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.
Jay: Luke, that's not like you.
Principal: Wait a minute. You're Luke's father?
Jay: Grandfather.
Principal: So Manny's father is...
Gloria: Javier. Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.
Principal: Okay, you're-
Claire: He's our son.
Jay: And my grandson.
Claire: I'm his daughter.
Principal: So, you're-
Manny: His uncle.
Luke: Stop saying that, or I'll sit on your chest again!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I got a few things for the party. Is Lily ready to go?
Mitchell: [downbeat] Yeah, she's ready.
Cameron: What's wrong?
Mitchell: I'm just really worried about CJ Hightower, with the bad ankle. I don't know how he's gonna run his corner routes.
Cameron: What did my boyfriend just say?
Mitchell: Listen, I heard what you said, and I thought, yes, I should try to learn more about football.
Cameron: That is very mature of you.
Mitchell: I figure if football fans can learn it, how hard can it be?
Cameron: That's very elitist of you.
Mitchell: I'm taking baby steps here, all right? I'm actually looking forward to it. 'Cause it's not just the game. It's the bands and the drama and the the pageantry-
Cameron: Don't forget about the team mascots.
Mitchell: They wear ascots?
Cameron: No, "mascots," with an "m." That could have been very embarrassing.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's nice to see you, Gloria. [hug and cheek kiss]
Gloria: Two times today.
Phil: Okay. [goes in for a second time]
Claire: Phil, she means we've seen them two times today.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: And it was all in my head, huh?
Claire: Listen, Gloria, it was like a year ago before I knew you.
Manny: [to Luke] Nice going. Now my mom and my sister are fighting.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Did you really have to call her that? A gold digger.
Claire: You know what, dad? It was a year ago. And it was a natural question to ask. She's a beautiful, hot woman, and you're not exactly... You know.
Jay: Not exactly what?
Claire: Mitchell, a little help?
Mitchell: No, you are doing great.
Jay: See, this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So people don't get hurt.
Phil: Yeah. Until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you got a lumpy rug. It creates a tripping hazard. You open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: It's about me not being accepted by my new family.
Phil: That is not true. Gloria, look, you're a beautiful woman. In fact, you're probably one of those beautiful women who doesn't know it.
Gloria: No, I know it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So it's natural for Claire to wonder about you and her dad. This family is very protective of each other.
I remember the first time Claire brought me home. Do you think Jay thought I was good enough for his little girl? No way. But, over time, he realized that I loved Claire as much as he did. And by then, Mitch had brought Cam home, so I was golden.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Jay, I think it's- I just think it's a little weird for a son to say this to his father, but, for the record, you're smoking hot.
Jay: Really?
Cameron: Yeah, 100%. You're totally my type. You're dangerous, you're gettable. You have a little cashola in your pocket.
Jay: Face, body, the whole...
Cameron: The whole kit and caboodle, I think, really.
Jay: What, about a 7?
Cameron: 9. For sure 9. But you knew that.
Jay: Well, I might have lowballed a bit.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [answering phone] Hey, honey. What's up?
Claire: The school just called. Luke got in a fight.
Phil: Oh, geez. Is he okay?
Claire: Yeah, he's fine, but they want us to come down there. Where are you?
Phil: I'm showing a house.
Claire: What house?
Phil: I'm golfing.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I bet it was that Durkas kid.
Phil: I hate that kid.
Claire: He probably jumped on Luke, and Luke just fought back. Kid's a menace.
Phil: He made fun of my hair once.
Claire: Shh, the parents are probably in there.
Phil: I slept on it funny.Like that never happened to him.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are you doing here?
Jay: These two knuckleheads were fighting each other.
Claire: What?!
Phil: Could have been worse. I was not ready to face Durkas today.

Quote from Manny

Claire: Oh, wait a second. Is that what this was all about?
Luke: He keeps calling me his nephew.
Manny: You are my nephew!
Luke: Shut up!

Quote from Phil

Principal: I'm getting the sense that you're all related somehow. It's best if you work this out at home so the boys can go back to class, okay? But we're not happy about this, boys. This is not how mature young men behave. Here's your note for Miss Passwater.
Phil: [chuckles]

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Whose side are you on?
Jay: She's my daughter. You're my wife. Let's remember what's important here. There's a football game on.

Quote from Claire

Phil: I just hate it when my two girls aren't getting along.
Claire: How exactly is she your girl?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm just gonna say it there's tension between you two. Bam! It's out there.
Claire: I'm gonna kill you.
Gloria: I think he's right. And I think we should talk about it.
Phil: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. You two talking 'bout it.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I like football. Haley hates it. Which is weird because it's all boys, and there's no reading required. Do you know that she spends at least 45 minutes every morning doing her hair? And then, sometimes, she...

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Let's go, Illini! Let's go, right now!
Jay: Oh, looks like I got to watch the game with Dick Butkus.
Mitchell: Dad! Come on, that's offensive.
Cameron: He's one of the greatest linebackers to ever play at Illinois, and one of my personal heroes.
Mitchell: And his name is "Butkus"? Really, and we're just choosing to... Okay. All right. Dad, I thought you were being homophobic. Sorry.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Okay, the truth? I sometimes feel like you don't like me.
Phil: Wow. Powerful, powerful stuff. Claire, tell us how it makes you feel.
Claire: Right now, I'm feeling a lot of anger.
Phil: Don't tell me, tell her.
Claire: Gloria, right now I'm really angry at Phil.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm feeling a hug. [Gloria and Claire hug] I was thinking group hug, but this is nice.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Where did you go?
Mitchell: You heard him. He said, "get out of here."
Jay: Oh, my God. You're such a girl.
Mitchell: Dad, loo- I was coming to get a beer, anyways. Nice apology.
Jay: Nice beer.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Does Jay buy me nice things? Yes, of course! All beautiful things! Look at this. Yellow, red, blue... All the colors. Do you think I can't live without these? Take them away, Phil.
Phil: Gloria, we all know you'd be fine without underwear. I mean, we know it's not about that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [o.s.] Gloria? Come on, let's talk about this.
Phil: I've seen her kick in a door before.
Claire: [entering] I don't know what my husband is saying to you, or why he's covered in your underwear...
Gloria: Obviously, I'm trying to seduce him for his money. That's what I do, right? What do I have to give back so that everyone trusts me? Huh? These earrings?
Phil & Claire: No.
Gloria: What? This bracelet?
Phil & Claire:
Gloria: My new dress?
Claire: No.
Phil: I didn't respond because this shouldn't be about me. It should be about you talking to you about it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Just tell me one thing. How do you really feel that I'm with your father?
Claire: Honestly, at first, it was hard. You don't expect to wake up one morning with a new mom who looks like she fell off a mud flap. But I'm getting used to it. And the important thing is you make him happy, which you do, in so many ways. So many colors. Are we okay?
Gloria: No.
Claire: No?
Gloria: You embarrassed me in front of everyone downstairs. What, I'm supposed just to forget about it?
Claire: What do you want me to do? Just embarrass myself so we're even?
Gloria: Go jump in the pool.
Claire: Oh, you mean "go jump in a lake," right?
Gloria: Go jump in the pool with your clothes. Then I know you're sorry.
Claire: I'm not gonna do that, Gloria.
Gloria: Okay. Then I won't forgive you.

Quote from Haley

Luke: This is so awesome.
Haley: I know. Mom does not look good wet.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: How could he fumble that?
Jay: Center blew the snap.
Cameron: You know, I hate that. I played center, and I always got blamed for a quarterback's clumsy hands.
Jay: Well, I was a quarterback, and it was probably your fault.
Cameron: It's impossible to fumble the ball when the QB has the proper hand placement.

Quote from Claire

Claire: It's weird to think of a woman being sexually attracted to dad.
Mitchell: No, you want to hear weird? Cam said he'd pick up dad at a gay bar.
Claire: How did that come up?
Mitchell: I'm really trying to block it out.
Claire: As far as I'm concerned, mum and dad had sex two times.


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