Phil: [aside to camera] Claire likes to say, you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Well, I happen to believe that you can be both.

Claire: [aside to camera] If I say something everybody's thinking, does that make me a mean person? Or does it make me a brave person? One who is courageous enough to stand up and say something behind someone's back to a 10-year old?

Phil: There's our little roustabouts! You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh? We can learn so much from the children. I bet it seems kind of silly now what you were fighting about.
Luke: I made fun of his accent.
Gloria: [heavily accented] What accent?
Manny: I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.
Luke: I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.
Gloria: What?
Manny: He said you were a coal digger.
Phil: Okay, I think we can move on!

Cameron: We're at the 10 We're at the 5 We're at the 1 Daddy, we're scoring a touchdown!
Mitchell: Please don't spike our baby. Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?
Cameron: She's a referee.
Mitchell: Do we even have to go to my dad's tonight?
Cameron: Are you kidding me? We're playing Ohio State.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I collect antique fountain pens, I'm quite adept at Japanese flower arrangement - Ikebana, and I was a starting offensive lineman at the University of Illinois. Surprise!

Cameron: You know what? Fine. Stay home with your little jagged scissors, maybe catch up on your scrapbooking.
Mitchell: You loved scrapbooking!
Cameron: Did I, Mitchell? Did I?
Mitchell: Stop. Don't do the "double question to prove a point" thing. I hate it when people do that.
Cameron: [holding Lily out] Do you, Mitchell? Do you?
Mitchell: Stop. Lily.

Gloria: Who said I was a coal digger?
Luke: That's what my mom told me.
Alex: What's a coal digger?
Phil: Sweetheart, he heard it wrong. It's "gold digger."
Haley: [on phone] I'm gonna have to call you back.
Claire: I really do not think that I remember ever saying that.
Luke: Well, you said it in the car, you said it at Christmas, you said it in the Mexican restaurant...
Claire: Okay, Mr. "Leaves his sweatshirts at school every day" suddenly remembers everything. Thank you.

Jay: Let me ask you something. Your sister said that Gloria would never go for anybody who looked like me. Now, you guys basically are like women. You know, you look at guys. So what do you think?
Mitchell: You're seriously asking us if you're attractive?
Jay: Well, I know I'm no Erik Estrada or anything. I'm just curious is all.
Mitchell: Dad.
Jay: So, if I was in one of your bars and Righteous Brothers were on, would you... I don't know. Check me out?
Mitchell: Dad, you're really close to ruining gay for me.

Claire: You heard how she said that, right? "Yes". She thought Luke was the weird one. Luke.
[cut to:]
Gloria: Her kid gets his head stuck in the furniture, and Manny is the different one.
[back:]
Claire: Our son is not weird. I will tell you what's weird, is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, my interest in football ended as suddenly and dramatically as the climax of "West Side Story." I'm a musical-theater fan.
Cameron: Surprise!

Gloria: It's about me not being accepted by my new family.
Phil: That is not true. Gloria, look, you're a beautiful woman. In fact, you're probably one of those beautiful women who doesn't know it.
Gloria: No, I know it.