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42Quotes from ‘Flip Flop’

Modern Family: Flip Flop

420. Flip Flop

Aired April 10, 2013

When Claire and Cameron's "flipped" house goes back on the market, they find selling the property isn't as easy as they expected. Meanwhile, Javier visits Manny and brings along his new girlfriend.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Okay, so after a quick scan of his Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram, here is what I know.
Luke: Privacy is dead?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Here's to the best construction crew in the business.
Claire: Okay.
Cameron: Hank. Luis. Paco! Wish you could be here right now, buddy.
Alex: What? Did he die?
Cameron: No, he's on the roof, fixing a shingle that he should've gotten right the first time.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Dunphy, I'm not gonna lie to you. You guys did a nice job on the house. My buyer wants in.
Phil: Fantastic! That is great news! You know, when we first got into this-
Gil Thorpe: Whoa, the small talk's over. Here's what we're prepared to offer.
Phil: You're joking, right?
Gil Thorpe: I don't joke about real estate. I joke about golf and Mexicans. It's okay, though. I'm married to one.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Now I'm not an art expert like you, but I did acquire this piece in a gallery in one of the finer Vegas casinos. What do you think?
Trish: It does say something.
Jay: He used to, before his little voice box broke. It said, "Welcome home, master. Ruff day?"

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: And, as we make our way out of the gourmet kitchen, we find ourselves back in the warm embrace of the parlor.
Mitchell: Easy Duchess, it's just one room, not Gosford Park.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I love the house. It's beautiful. Here is a tree.
Manny: It's a pachira, a Taiwanese symbol of good financial fortune. It's also known as a money tree.
Jay: That makes two of us.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, I've got a friend who wants to buy a house. Maybe I can show it to him after school. Then if he buys it, I'd get the commission. What would that be?
Claire: Adorable.
Luke: I'm serious. And I'm not adorable. I'm getting a mustache.
Lily: I know my A-B-C's.
Luke: Wow. I guess things weren't about you for a second.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [on the phone] It's okay, Manny. I'll see you in a minute. Yes, I'll be polite and I'll be nice. I promise. [hangs up] I'm going to kill him.
Jay: What'd Javier do this time?
Gloria: His one big weekend alone with his son, and I just found out that he brought his latest bimbo along. He always does this. You remember that time that he took Manny and that stripper fishing?
Jay: Yeah. They barely got a nipple. Come on. That was good. I just thought of that.
Gloria: Are you done?
Jay: I bet she was comfortable with the pole. Ah. Should've quit after "nipple." How does Leno do it night after night?
Gloria: I was just wondering that about myself.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Something you wanna say, Mitchell?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Yes. I told you so. I warned you this would happen. I tried to stop it, but you wouldn't let me. I was right, and you were wrong. Uh, you live in this ridiculous candy-colored fantasy land. I am so much smarter than you, and it is killing me not to rub your nose in it!
[back:]
Mitchell: No. I'm just thinking.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [on the phone] Gil! Phil Dunphy.
Gil Thorpe: Ha ha ha! I knew you'd come slinking back! [to the other golfers] Hey, guys! It's Dunphy. He's cavin'. What did I tell you? What did I tell you, hey? [on the phone] Oh, Dunphy, I can play you like a ukulele, 'cause you're small and dainty.
Phil: Gil, I wanna talk to you about your offer.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, ho! Let me stop you right there. This is how this is gonna go down. First of all, I'm gonna take you out to a very nice dinner. I'm gonna talk really sweet to you. And then I'm gonna lay you down by the fire...
Phil: Oh.
Gil Thorpe: Slow at first, then... And then you're gonna go home and tell everybody you went to the movies, but you and I both know that you got thorpedoed.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] Guess what, Gil. This was a courtesy call to tell you that I have another buyer. So you can tell your buyer that you cost them a great house necause you got cocky and overplayed your hand. Prepare to Phil the agony of dun-feat. [hangs up] Both names!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [on seeing Barkley] Again?
Jay: Would you believe she made me keep this in the attic? Gloria, Trish says this is art.
Trish: What was it Thoreau said? "It's not what you look at that matters. It's what you see."
Jay: Hear that? You were wrong.
Gloria: Keep talking like that, and you will find out how he lost his voice box.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Well, Zack Barbie is indeed an adult, he likes the neighborhood, and he's interested.
Claire: Oh, thank God.
Luke: Really? Did God come in here and tell you about him? Because I don't remember it that way.

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: Phil, do you think this is the right house for him?
Phil: It's hard to tell. He's young. He's single. I don't know anything else about him.
Haley: Zack Barbie. Born 1986. Went to college at a place called "mit."
Alex: M.I.T.
Haley: I know how to spell it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Likes Chicago Blackhawks, kickboxing, the movie "Die hard," and beer.
Claire: He sounds like a frat boy.
Haley: Oh, he's many things. He meditates, he loves Indian food, and he's crazy about his dog Otis. Does the house have a doggie door?
Claire: No.
Haley: Put one in. You get to Barbie through Otis.
Phil: She's like the girl with the dragon tattoo.
Cameron: With cuter hair.
Haley: Stop talking!
Mitchell: Oh, she really is.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And did I mention that from the back of the garden, you can almost see a piece of the building that they shot "Die Hard" in? I like to sit back there sometimes. It's a great place to gather my thoughts and just I don't know. Be in the now.
Zack: I meditate every day.
Phil: Yippee-ki-yay! What are the odds?

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Your office said you'd be over here.
Phil: Yeah, I am here. With my buyers. What do you guys think?
Mitchell: Oh, my God! This house is perfect.
Cameron: I especially love the warm embrace of the parlor!
Mitchell: It screams you.
Cameron: No, it screams you, sweetie.
Mitchell: Oh, dis doggie door, Cam. Look.
Gil Thorpe: Damn it. Gays. They come to play.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: That's my wife. I better take it.
Gil Thorpe: Hey, hey. Whoa, listen. Whatever you do, don't tell her you're playing golf on a weekday. You'll be doing dishes all night.
Phil: Good call. Thank you, my man. [answers phone] Hey, honey. What's up? Oh, not much. Just, uh, in a meeting. You know, working hard, bringing home the bacon.
Gil Thorpe: No, he's not! He's playing golf! [laughing]
Phil: No.
Gil Thorpe: Um fore! Nice putt! [laughing] Why you lying to your wife, Dunphy? Huh? Hey, he had a beer at lunch, too!
Phil: What is wrong with you?
Gil Thorpe: You just got thorpedoed! Come back here.

Quote from Jay

Luke: Where'd you get all this sweet furniture? Oh, we rented it to make the house feel more comfortable and inviting.
Cameron: Don't sit there! Oh, my gosh. It took me 20 minutes to get these chops just right. There. Does that look straight?
Jay: Nothing about that looks straight.

Quote from Phil

Phil: To the hard work of Claire and Cameron. Or as I like to call them, "Clameron", which is what potential home buyers will be doing when they see this place. Clamorin'. Clamoring t-to buy it f-
Claire: Phil, don't go back for it.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: To Claire and Cam. My sister. My partner. My sister! My partner! My sister! My partner!
Cameron: "Chinatown." Hilarious.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Seriously, it's bad luck to toast with an empty glass.

Quote from Phil

Phil: We're not gonna take this. It's the first day on the market. We'd barely break even.
Gil Thorpe: Take it.
Phil: No.
Gil Thorpe: The market's crashing!
Phil: Nuh-unh.
Gil Thorpe: You're in over your head.
Phil: Maybe you're in over your head.
Gil Thorpe: Dunphy, listen to me. If you pass up on this, you're gonna regret it.
Phil: I don't know the meaning of the word "regret."
Waitress: Here we go. French toast, double bacon. Egg whites, dry toast.
Phil: Damn it.

Quote from Gloria

Javier: We're back!
Gloria: I cannot believe that again you brought a girl. What is it this time? A cocktail waitress? A boat show model? A stripper?
Trish: No, then I could make real money. I'm just a PhD.
Manny: Mom, this is Trish.

Quote from Jay

Manny: She works at the museum of art. It was so cool. We got an after hours tour, and Trish said I could take flash pictures of the paintings. But don't worry. I didn't.
Jay: That's a relief. I was afraid I was gonna have to look at 'em.

Quote from Javier

Gloria: So you work at the museum?
Trish: Oh, no. I'm just on the board. I run the art and antiquities department at Christie's.
Gloria: Oh.
Javier: Let me see. What is the word I am looking for? Oh, yes. Bam!

Quote from Javier

Gloria: So how did you two meet?
Javier: I won a car in a poker game, but it caught on fire, so the guy gave me a painting. I took it to the auction house, eh, ticky ticky, I made a big profit but I still came home with a masterpiece.
Manny: He means her.
Trish: May I tell you, you have a wonderful boy? So well-mannered and chivalrous. It's like he leapt off the canvas of a 16th century portrait by Gainsborough or van Dyke.
Javier: Listen to that brain.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Can they stay for dinner?
Gloria: Well, that's up to them, papi.
Javier: How can I turn down a free meal?
Jay: First time's the hardest.

Quote from Jay

Javier: What do you say, my love?
Trish: Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to say good-bye to this guy yet. But I'll only stay if you let me contribute. I did bring along a fabulous bottle of '82 Bordeaux that we didn't get to this weekend.
Jay: For that, you can take Manny home.
Manny: See what I have to put up with?

Quote from Gloria

Javier: What have we here?
Jay: His name's Barkley.
Trish: That's delightful.
Gloria: It's not delightful. It's disgusting.
Trish: Uh, look at Warhol. Look at Koons. A lot of great works of contemporary art were initially dismissed as garbage.
Manny: Excellent point, Trish.
Gloria: This is not even garbage. They wouldn't take it. It's too big for the can.

Quote from Javier

Javier: Now what I see is a man who is not man. He is a servant who has lost his dignity. It is a commentary on the class system in society. As well as a handy place to put your keys and sunglasses.
Gloria: Whatever he is, your Barkley is going back to the attic.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Five words. It's a book.
Gloria: There's an old man. On the boat. He caught a big fish. The Old Man and the Fish!
Manny: Uh, time!
Jay: "The Old Man and the Sea"!
Gloria: Never heard about it.
Manny: Hemingway's classic tale of man versus nature.
Trish: Leave it to a guy with a hundred cats to write a good fish story, right?
Manny: Oh, ho, Trish!
Gloria: What is this, a book club or a fun game? Go.

Quote from Jay

Javier: You could do this for a living.
Manny: Really? There's such a thing?
Jay: No, just like there's no such thing as a professional Broadway enthusiast. You're gonna have to get a real job.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What the hell was all that about?
Gloria: Why don't you ask Trish? She knows everything.
Jay: Well, at least she's not a bimbo. She and Manny seem to hit it off fine. What's the problem?
Gloria: Just one weekend, and he already idolizes her. And why wouldn't he? She's so much smarter than me. She knows so much more about the things that he loves. They have their little inside jokes. If she learns how to froth his cappuccino, I am history.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You and Manny have the closest relationship I've ever seen. Hell, he may never form a healthy attachment with another woman after you.
Gloria: You're just saying that.

Quote from Gloria

Javier: I wanted to ask you for my abuela's ring back. I really want Trish to wear it. She is the most amazing woman I've ever known.
Gloria: You see that I am holding a knife.
Javier: Please. Half our marriage was you with a knife. Trish is the one. And Manny already loves her. He can spend more time with us now. Holidays, summers even.
Gloria: Fine. I'll go get you the ring. But you owe me $8 because I had to replace "the emerald."

Quote from Javier

Javier: Now listen, my love. This belonged to my abuela.
Trish: Um, maybe not now, Javier.
Javier: No, no. Please. Please. It will fill my heart to see this ring on your your finger. Oh. It's-- it's a little small.
Trish: I can't do this.
Javier: No, no. I'll just push a little harder.
Trish: Javier, stop. It'll never work.
Javier: But wait, my love. We can put butter on your finger.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey! Thought I'd just swing by and see how it's going. Zack here?
Claire: Oh, my God. You are wearing black tights. Alex was right. You are into him.
Haley: That skank Zoey broke his heart. I can make him whole again!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Listen, I would be the first person to understand that you're having second thoughts about marrying Javier.
Trish: I am, but I do love him.
Gloria: Of course you do, even though he's irresponsible and impulsive, and if your sisters are even a little bit pretty, he's gonna try-
Trish: No, no, no, no, no. It's not that.
Gloria: Is it the drinking? Is it the gambling? Is it because of your fat fingers?
Trish: No, it's you.
Gloria: Me?
Trish: How can I compete with you? All Manny talks about is how he's got the world's greatest mom. And I know Javier regrets losing you.
Gloria: No, he doesn't.
Trish: Oh, believe me, he does. And who could blame him? I mean, look at you! Who has a body like that?! And you just had a baby two months ago? I mean, what- Do you just live at the gym?
Gloria: Who has time for the gym?
Trish: Oh! You know what I had for lunch?! I had a half a granola bar, and I can't button my pants! I can't cook! And at best, I am average in bed! And I will never, ever, ever live up to the great Gloria!
Gloria: Welcome to the family!

Quote from Mitchell

Zack: You know, this is probably not gonna help my negotiating power, but I kinda can't believe how perfect this house is.
Cameron: And how much is little Otis gonna enjoy this doggie door?
Zack: How do you know my dog's name?
Cameron: I don't.
Zack: Yeah, you do. You just said "Otis."
Mitchell: No. No, no, he said, "Oh, dis doggie door would be perfect for your dog... should you own one."

Quote from Haley

Zack: This is weird! It's totally weird. Okay, the Blackhawks, you know my birthday, and you know my dog's name. You guys are freaking me out.
Claire: Okay, wait a second. We poured our hearts into this house, and we just wanted to show you what it would be like if you were living here. Did we go a tiny bit overboard? ["Super Freak" starts playing]
Zack: Oh, my God. Favorite song.
Mitchell: Way to go.
Claire: Ha. You take care.
Zack: Can you even see the "Die Hard" building from here?
Phil: No.
Haley: I'll be at Coachella, too! I'll come find you!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm busy, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: Don't accept any offers without talking to me first. My buyer wants in, all right?
Phil: I don't know. We're pretty far down that road.
Gil Thorpe: All right. We'll up the offer.
Phil: Gil, let me tell you how this is gonna go down. First, you're gonna buy me a lovely dinner. No, that's not it. First, I'm gonna buy you a lovely dinner. Then I'm gonna take you in the back...


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