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‘Boys' Night’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Boys' Night

218. Boys' Night

Aired March 23, 2011

Phil and Claire are concerned when Luke befriends an elderly neighbor. After Jay ducks out of a night at the symphony with Gloria and Manny, he joins Mitchell and Cameron on their boys' night out. Meanwhile, Haley babysits Lily.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] When I was 12 years old, my father walked into my bedroom and caught me doing the most embarrassing thing that a boy can do... dancing to Madonna's "Lucky Star." And from that moment on, there's always been a part of me that I've kept from him. And yet here he was laughing with my friends. And I don't know... maybe the problem was me.

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Quote from Longinus

Longinus: John Schneider was the one.
Mitchell: John Schneider from Dukes of Hazzard?
Cameron: That was your first crush?
Longinus: Oh, my God, yes. Bo Duke. Delicious.
Pepper: He was a redneck who drove a car called the General Lee with a giant Confederate flag on it. That wasn't a turn off for you?
Longinus: Look, I know he was all kinds of wrong, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Quote from Longinus

Crispin: Mitchell was just about to tell us who his first boy crush was.
Mitchell: No, I wasn't.
Pepper: Let me bring you up to speed. Crispin's was Joey Mclntyre whoever that is. Longinus said John Schneider.
Jay: Your name is Longinus?
Longinus: I know. I never stood a chance.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Be back in a couple hours.
Claire: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
Luke: To my friend Walt's house to watch High Noon.
Phil: Ooh, I love westerns. The bloodier the better. That's my favorite type of movie. That and anything set against the backdrop of competitive cheerleading.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I mean, he makes a point. We don't know the man. And little kids can be friends with old people, right?
Phil: Of course they can. There's tons of examples. Up, um, Gran Torino, True Grit.
Claire: Cartoon, kills himself, she loses an arm. We've gotta go talk to that guy.

Quote from Phil

Mr. Kleezak: Look, I didn't ask him to come over here. I was minding my own business, like you should be.
Claire: Okay. But in all fairness, our son is our business.
Mr. Kleezak: Well, then keep him. And keep your daughter from driving into my garbage cans. And keep your blinds closed when you're doing your little sexy dance.
Phil: Oh, God. He's seen my sexy dance.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [answering phone] Hello?
Dylan: Please tell me that you have my shoes.
Haley: Why would I have your shoes?
Dylan: Because I left them at your uncles's house last night.
Haley: What? How could you leave without your shoes?
Dylan: I go a lot of places without shoes. I'm not wearing shoes right now. Oh, wait. That's 'cause I left them at your uncles's house.
Haley: This is a disaster!
Dylan: Maybe they'll think they're theirs.
Haley: They're gay. They know what shoes they own.

Quote from Jay

Manny: So I have to try new things like scrambled eggs but you don't have to?
Gloria: You see what you're doing? You're tearing this family apart!
Jay: Take it down a notch. You two go in, have a great time. I'll see you later.
Gloria: What are you going to do?
Jay: I'm gonna walk like a man, fast as I can, to that bar over there. And if you knew Frankie Valli, you'd be cracking up right now.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Morning all.
Gloria: Good morning, papi.
Manny: Hump day. Am I right, Jay?
Jay: Your day ends at 2:30.
Manny: Can't come fast enough. Quittin' time. Am I right, Jay?
Jay: Let's not make this a thing.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this? Where's my soft-boiled egg?
Gloria: I scrambled it. It's good for you to try new things.
Manny: I don't want to try new things. You can't just spring this on me.
Gloria: I have bad news, Manny. This is not the biggest curveball that life is going to throw at you.
Jay: Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. I ever tell you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them. Tried them. Love them.
Manny: Wow. Are the movie rights available for that one?

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, Haley.
Haley: Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.
Mitchell: Hey, is your mom home?
Haley: No. She had to take Alex to the oncologist.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. What's wrong?
Haley: She needed new glasses.
Mitchell: Oh. Did you mean optometrist?
Haley: Whatever.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What are you thinking? Haley is a very sweet and fashionable girl but seems hardly a responsible caregiver.
Mitchell: Well, you know what? We needed a sitter. She's family. I say we give her a shot.
Cameron: A shot. Oh, with our only child. Sure, why not? If something goes wrong, we'll just pop over to the Orient, grab another one.

Quote from Luke

Mr. Kleezak: What?
Luke: My name is Luke Dunphy. I live next door.
Mr. Kleezak: What do you want?
Luke: I wanna get our ball from your yard.
Mr. Kleezak: I don't want you messing around back there. Just go home.
Luke: Are you going scuba diving?
Mr. Kleezak: Hmm?
Luke: Why do you have that tank?
Mr. Kleezak: You being smart?
Luke: You mean in school? Well, I do okay. My teacher says I get distracted. Why do you have that tube in your nose?
Mr. Kleezak: For fun.
Luke: Really? Can I try?
Mr. Kleezak: It's oxygen.
Luke: We have that in our house, but we don't need tanks.
Mr. Kleezak: Oh, for God's sake. Just get your ball.
Luke: Okay. [takes deep breath as he enters the house]

Quote from Jay

Gloria: No, you're not out. You're in.
Jay: I hate this kind of music.
Gloria: Jay, you always do that. Every time we try something new, your first reaction is always no.
Jay: I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't like.
Manny: What about the crab cakes?
Jay: That was a fluke. And I can't slather that boring music in tartar sauce.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: Richard Gere. Oh, my God. I'll be the officer don't be a gentleman.
Pepper: Montgomery Clift.
Crispin: Who?
Pepper: Don't do that, Crispin. You're not that young. Anyway, my crush was gay. At least I had a shot.
Cameron: You had a shot with Montgomery Clift? How old are you?
Pepper: I will cut you like it was nothing, farm boy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay. Okay. Back to me. Back to me. Back to me. So I had just seen St. Elmo's Fire.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, look. It's your father.
Pepper: Oh, that's your father? He's cute.
Mitchell: Okay. Can you please turn it off for one second?
Longinus: Oh, he's all alone. Invite him over.
Mitchell: Yeah, that's not something we're gonna do.
Crispin: Relax. Your dad knows you're gay.
Mitchell: He doesn't know I'm this gay.
Pepper: Excuse us?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, sit down. We're up by 25 with a minute to go.
Jay: Uh, maybe just for a minute. So what does a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?
Mitchell: Nobody say anything.
[everybody laughs]

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'm sorry. We thought there was something wrong with you.
Phil: Sorry.
Mr. Kleezak: What?
Claire: We thought there was something wrong with you. Phil.
Phil: Hi. We haven't, uh, formally met. Phil Dunphy.
Mr. Kleezak: Yeah, I know you. You're the guy who just broke into my house and fondled me.
Phil: No. We were just concerned that you looked dead. No offense.

Quote from Phil

Mr. Kleezak: What- What- What are you doing here?
Claire: Oh, um, our son, Luke, told us that you invited him over here to watch movies. And I'm sure you could understand why we would be concerned about that.
Mr. Kleezak: No.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: You're doing great.
Claire: Honey.
Mr. Kleezak: What, are you saying that I'm some kind of pervert?
Claire: No!
Phil: Probably not.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So I'm 12 years old. I'm staying overnight at my best friend Jim's house. Neither of us want to go to sleep.
Crispin: I know where this is going.
Jay: You're better than that, Crispin. So we sneak off to the movies and we see this little picture called Solomon and Sheba. And Sheba was-
All: Gina Lollobrigida!
Jay: Bingo! And for the rest of my life, I swore one day I would marry Gina Lollobrigida.
Mitchell: Well, Dad, you kinda did.
Jay: I hear that!

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