Mitchell: [aside to camera] When I was 12 years old, my father walked into my bedroom and caught me doing the most embarrassing thing that a boy can do... dancing to Madonna's "Lucky Star." And from that moment on, there's always been a part of me that I've kept from him. And yet here he was laughing with my friends. And I don't know... maybe the problem was me.

Longinus: John Schneider was the one.
Mitchell: John Schneider from Dukes of Hazzard?
Cameron: That was your first crush?
Longinus: Oh, my God, yes. Bo Duke. Delicious.
Pepper: He was a redneck who drove a car called the General Lee with a giant Confederate flag on it. That wasn't a turn off for you?
Longinus: Look, I know he was all kinds of wrong, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Crispin: Mitchell was just about to tell us who his first boy crush was.
Mitchell: No, I wasn't.
Pepper: Let me bring you up to speed. Crispin's was Joey Mclntyre whoever that is. Longinus said John Schneider.
Jay: Your name is Longinus?
Longinus: I know. I never stood a chance.

Haley: [answering phone] Hello?
Dylan: Please tell me that you have my shoes.
Haley: Why would I have your shoes?
Dylan: Because I left them at your uncles's house last night.
Haley: What? How could you leave without your shoes?
Dylan: I go a lot of places without shoes. I'm not wearing shoes right now. Oh, wait. That's 'cause I left them at your uncles's house.
Haley: This is a disaster!
Dylan: Maybe they'll think they're theirs.
Haley: They're gay. They know what shoes they own.

Luke: Be back in a couple hours.
Claire: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
Luke: To my friend Walt's house to watch High Noon.
Phil: Ooh, I love westerns. The bloodier the better. That's my favorite type of movie. That and anything set against the backdrop of competitive cheerleading.

Claire: I mean, he makes a point. We don't know the man. And little kids can be friends with old people, right?
Phil: Of course they can. There's tons of examples. Up, um, Gran Torino, True Grit.
Claire: Cartoon, kills himself, she loses an arm. We've gotta go talk to that guy.

Mr. Kleezak: Look, I didn't ask him to come over here. I was minding my own business, like you should be.
Claire: Okay. But in all fairness, our son is our business.
Mr. Kleezak: Well, then keep him. And keep your daughter from driving into my garbage cans. And keep your blinds closed when you're doing your little sexy dance.
Phil: Oh, God. He's seen my sexy dance.

Manny: So I have to try new things like scrambled eggs but you don't have to?
Gloria: You see what you're doing? You're tearing this family apart!
Jay: Take it down a notch. You two go in, have a great time. I'll see you later.
Gloria: What are you going to do?
Jay: I'm gonna walk like a man, fast as I can, to that bar over there. And if you knew Frankie Valli, you'd be cracking up right now.

Manny: Morning all.
Gloria: Good morning, papi.
Manny: Hump day. Am I right, Jay?
Jay: Your day ends at 2:30.
Manny: Can't come fast enough. Quittin' time. Am I right, Jay?
Jay: Let's not make this a thing.

Manny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this? Where's my soft-boiled egg?
Gloria: I scrambled it. It's good for you to try new things.
Manny: I don't want to try new things. You can't just spring this on me.
Gloria: I have bad news, Manny. This is not the biggest curveball that life is going to throw at you.
Jay: Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. I ever tell you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them. Tried them. Love them.
Manny: Wow. Are the movie rights available for that one?