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‘Thanksgiving Jamboree’ Quotes

Modern Family: Thanksgiving Jamboree

807. Thanksgiving Jamboree

Aired November 16, 2016

As Cameron spares no expense when he hosts the family for a Thanksgiving country jamboree, complete with a petting zoo, Claire wonders why Mitchell is so comfortable joining in on the rustic fun. Phil struggles to get used to the idea Rainer Shine is dating his daughter. Jay tries to enjoy a stress-free day while he's hooked up to a blood pressure monitor, while Gloria wants to teach Joe not to be afraid of animals.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Luke somehow beat me in the election for president, and I still can't get over it.
Not to be hyperbolic, but humans are a decade away from fighting apes on horseback.

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Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Look, Joe. This is a goat.
Joe: [goat bleating] Ahh, I'm scared!
Gloria: No, no, no, there's nothing to be scared of. That's the way he says, "I love you." Of all the animals, this one is the one that sounds the most like an informer being tortured.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I cannot have another son that is afraid of animals. When Manny was 5, he went to a petting zoo with a backpack full of truffle popcorn. By the time they pulled the pigs off him, [voice breaking]
he was only wearing one sock.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Rainer's taking me to Cabo for the weekend. So, I had a problem. I wasn't sure if my hairdryer ran on Mexican electricity. Oh, and telling my dad. I had two problems.

Quote from Mitchell

[As Mitchell churns butter:]
Claire: This reminds me of the time I walked in on you watching "Top Gun".
Mitchell: You need to stop telling that story.

Quote from Phil

Jay: He might have had a heart attack. We probably ought to do something.
Jerry: Oh, I saw some champagne back there.
Phil: It's the guy on the ground!
Pharmacist: Oh! Take the defibrillator, I'll call 911.
Phil: Guys, help me out. I don't know what I'm doing. I watch a lot of "Grey's Anatomy," but I fast-forward through the non-romantic scenes.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Any suspicious activity on that phone bill?
Mitchell: Well, Cam spent $100 on the psychic hotline, but that's normal during the run-up to award's season.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [aside to camera] Jerry used to live next door. He's been going through a brutal divorce for years, and he was gonna spend Thanksgiving alone.
Claire: Phil thought it'd be a good idea if he spent the day with a happy, functional family. We couldn't find one, so he's coming with us.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hey, Flavor Flav, what's up with the giant watch?
Jay: It's my doctor being a pain in the butt. One high reading, I got this thing taking my blood pressure all day.
Claire: Wait, are you okay?
Gloria: No. He needs to quit cigars and the terrible food. Last week, I caught him in the garage eating a Polish sausage.
Jay: What a man does behind his water heater is his own business.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Oh, Cam, and you had the scarecrow made to look like Mitch!
Cameron: No, no, no, my mom sent that out from Missouri. I grew up with that. I even learned how to dance with it. I guess, now that you mention it, I do have a-a type.

Quote from Cameron

Luke: Hey, what's on this goat's head?
Cameron: That's my big idea- A camera to capture everyone's delight! Guess what I call it.
Manny: Goat-Pro?
Cameron: That's also a good name, yep.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Here's my trick. As soon as this thing goes off, I start singing sweet '70s soft rock to mellow myself out. Those songs could do anything. Seals and Crofts came on, lady's bell bottoms came off.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I know it's a bummer, Haley going to Cabo.
Phil: I wouldn't salt those margarita glasses just yet. Once I remind her how much fun Thanksgiving weekend is here, she's not going anywhere.
Claire: Well, I hope it goes better than your big presentation on why the Ice Capades were cooler than Coachella.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: What could Cam have done? [gasps] Maybe he's the one who's having an affair. I saw a list of clues in a magazine. Has he joined a gym or bought sexy new underwear recently?
Mitchell: I think it's sweet that you think we're capable of having an affair, but we're just so tired.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: I got you a blanket, Mr. Goat.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no! We're going to wait for Santa Claus by the chimney!
Joe: But it's Thanksgiving.
Joe: What about Mr. Goat? How come I don't hear him anymore?
Gloria: Ay, Mr. Goat is fine! Baaa! Did you hear that? What is it, Mr. Goat? Baaa! He's saying that he needs some time alone. Look, there's some cookies for Santa. Here, why don't you go and sit by the chimney and wait.
Joe: Santa!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey lookit, it's not my place to try to parent your kids.
Gloria: Good.
Cameron: But one thing we learn on the farm is that death is a part of life.
Gloria: If you tell Joe what happened to that goat, death is gonna be part of your life.
Cameron: You know what, kids can handle a lot more than you think. And every step, from birth till the end, has its own magical beauty.
Lily: So, do we jam the goat in the garbage or heave it over the fence?
Cameron: Teach your children well.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I just saw we were running out of pumpkin dip, and I know it's your favorite, so I brought you some.
Mitchell: What's your game?
Claire: Yeah, show us your underwear.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Why are we so understanding about Fizbo, huh? What are you hiding?
Cameron: Hiding? Shame on you. It's Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate with my husband, my daughter, my lovely family, Jerry. I think it's sad that you two look at life as some sort of game where everyone's trying to get away with something. Some people are just nice.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: They bought it. Truth is, I paid for the jamboree with money we had saved for a romantic Hawaiian vacation. I even sprung for fancy straw bales flown in from Missouri.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, I learned something today. I saw a man nearly die right in front of me. And this is a constant reminder that it can happen to me at any moment. It's a lot to think about. So I'm not gonna. [takes off blood pressure monitor] Phil, get me a beer. Jerry, get me a scotch.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Oh, I am exhausted. I'm counting down the days till we're in Hawaii.
Cameron: Sweetie, I don't know if you can count that high. You remember how cool I was with the whole Fizbo thing?
Mitchell: Cam, you spent the Hawaii money on this party, didn't you? What is wrong with us? From now on, can we just be honest with each other, all right? No more games.
Cameron: Deal.
Lily: Hey, daddies. You look tired. I made you some grilled cheese sandwiches. Love you.
Cameron: Well, there's something we did right.
Mitchell: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: I needed them in a good mood. I kept this from the petting zoo. [pets a chicken]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Dwight has one of the most important games of the season next week and I can't have you getting him sick.
Alex: Yeah, I'm over the mono.
Cameron: But it could still be contagious, and I have a fun costume idea for you. How about being an old-timey bank robber? You gotta cover that face before the marshal gets to town.


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