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40Quotes from ‘The Alliance’

Modern Family: The Alliance

808. The Alliance

Aired November 30, 2016

Phil, Gloria and Cameron have formed a secret alliance to deal with their problems without the Pritchett side of the family finding out. The trio help cover up Gloria's purchase of a shock collar for Stella and Cameron's negligence dealing with a pair of Russian squatters. In need of signatures for a petition, Jay considers looking the other way when a widow at the country club takes a shine to Luke. Meanwhile, Haley is on the other side of dealing with an unbearable teenager when she spends the day with Rainer Shine's daughter.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Where is she, anyway? Haven't seen her since the morning.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I don't know where Stella is. I think it has something to do with the shock collar that I had to put on her because she kept running away. Maybe I tell Jay that I thought it was a necklace. He was the one who wanted to pierce her ears.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Whoa. Watch the new kicks.
Claire: What? You have another pair of new sneakers? What is that job at the club paying you?
Luke: It's the tips, Mom. There's this one lady, hold the door for her 10 bucks. Bring her an ice tea with lemon, another 10 bucks.
Phil: Best tips I ever made was when we passed the hat after a performance of my improv group, "Rule of Three." We were known for our sketches, song parodies, and full-frontal nudity.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Thank you for coming. I have a problem with Russians.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Being married to a Pritchett is great.
Cameron: So great!
Gloria: The best!
Phil: But they can be a a tad judgmental.
Cameron: Almost punitive.
Gloria: They are monsters.
Cameron: That's why the three of us formed a a secret alliance to help each other cover up our our little mistakes.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: All right, shall we?
Gloria: No. I work alone. If you hear two bodies hit the floor, it's done. If you hear three, one tried to get back up.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Zdravstvuyte. [Hello]
Russian man #1: Chego ty khochesh'? [What do you want?]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood. We like it there. I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.
[back:]
Gloria: Igrovoye vremya okoncheno. [Playtime is over.]
Russian man #2: Kto ty? [Who are you?]
Gloria: Vy plokhiye parni. Vremya idti. [You are bad boys. It's time to go.]
Russian man #1: Ty dumayesh' ona na samom dele? [You think she's for real?]
Russian man #2: Yubaya zhenshchina, kotoraya vyglyadit tak i govorit po-russki, dolzhna byt' na svyazi. [Any woman that looks like that and speaks Russian must be connected.]
Gloria: Poproshchaysya so svoim drugom. Eto pereryv. [Say goodbye to your friend. It's naptime.]
Russian man #1: [gasps] Ona dolzhna znat' myasnika. [She must know the butcher.]
Russian man #2: YA uveren, chto my mozhem chto-to reshit'. [I'm sure we can work something out.]
Gloria: [aggressively] Vy khotite kurinyye pal'chiki? [You want chicken fingers?]
Russian man #2: Pozhaluysta, ne moi ruki. [Please, not my hands.]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] El Conquistador Especial. My dad's brand. That doesn't explain the lipstick, though. No, my dad won't even wear Chapstick. He says it's a gateway balm.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Mommy, could Ivan come for dinner?
Gloria: No, senor, 'cause tonight the whole family is coming over for dinner, 'cause we're gonna vote on where we're going on vacation this year.
Manny: A vote with a moral stain on it, since ballots are reserved for land-owning adults.
Gloria: Because nobody wants to go to the birthplace of Edgar Allan Poe.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Damn Colonel screwed me and took his name off my petition. I'm trying to overturn this dumb rule the club passed banning cigars within 40 feet of the main lodge.
Gloria: When my country passed a law that allowed them to drown 14 year olds, you said, "These things happen."
Jay: I just bought a box of El Conquistador Especiales. And they deserve to be smoked in a fine leather chair, not out by the fountain in some heavily-spidered area.
Gloria: I don't want this in my house.
Jay: Can't smoke at home, can't smoke at the club. Maybe Stella has room in her doghouse.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I know all about squatter's rights, Mitchell. Why do you always have to treat me like I'm some irresponsible...
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Idiot! The Russian brothers wanted one more night. So I took cash, and I didn't tell Mitchell, and now they won't leave. We have squatters. First termites, now squatters. At least the termites weren't my fault.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Look at this beautiful side table somebody just left on the street.
Mitchell: Oh, do you need a hand?
Cameron: No, it's like ridiculously light.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: [answering phone] Hello?
Cameron: You are all out of orange juice.
Phil: I understand. [hangs up, to family:] I have to go out for orange juice.
[meanwhile:]
Gloria: [on the phone] Yes, I understand. [hangs up, to family:] I have to go out for orange juice.
[back:]
Cameron: Mitchell? I have to go out for orange juice.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: So now, I have scary Russian squatters who won't leave. We'll have a small window when Mitchell goes to the gym. He usually stretches, takes a lap around the locker room, and then gets a smoothie.
Phil: You two deal with the Russians, and I'll keep Mitch distracted. Anything else?
Gloria: Yes. Our gate is broken, and Stella keeps getting out in the street. I bought her a shock collar.
Phil: I thought about getting one when Luke was younger. Claire ended up just shaking a can of pennies at him.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gary won't sign my petition unless I sign his. It'll be a cold day in hell before that hippie tees off in flip-flops.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, thank God you're here. I can hear the Russians upstairs laughing at democracy.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Ugh, sorry that took so long. [laughing] I can't pass up a library book sale. I mean, a dollar for as many magazines as you can fit in the car.
Mitchell: Yeah, National Geo... "Ireland: Land of Savages"? How old are these?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, it's pretty simple, Mitch. You just touch everything, and then when the tow truck guy shows up and sees your dirty paws, he knows you're a pro. Also, say "fan belt" as often as you- Mitchell? Mitchell?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: [Southern accent] Hi, sweetheart!
Mitchell: Save the Southern charm, Scarlett. Phil was clearly just trying to keep me from here.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Yeah, I-I lost my keys, and sudden suddenly he shows up and Does this have something to do with the thud we heard upstairs?
Cameron: Mitchell, I- I say this with love, but you're coming unhinged. The suspicions, the accusations, the mechanical sexual performance. [Gloria walks out with the Russians] Where has Mitchell gone? Yeah, I'm but I'm not a doctor, so if you think something's going on upstairs, by all means, let's go take a look. You know, on the other hand, if I were a doctor, I would say, "What's up with all the conspiracy theories?" It's textbook paranoia. Everyone's talking about it. But again, not a doctor, so shall we?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Huh.
Cameron: Well, you know, there are 30 different ways to say "I'm sorry" in Russian.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Maybe I was being paranoid.
Cameron: Apology accepted, and I'm sorry for calling your lovemaking mechanical. I actually really like your shy, school teacher character.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Okay, we've searched everywhere for Stella. No sign.
Phil: Yet. Don't worry, we'll find her before the gray goat does.
Gloria: Who?
Phil: Jay. Come on, guys, I spend a lot of time on those code names.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What is this?
April: Clothes that don't come from a mall.
Haley: Hold on, hold on. I'm supposed to be watching you.
April: I'm going to Betsy's. My Uber's out front.
Haley: Who is this Betsy? Are her parents even home? And you're 14. You're not Ubering anywhere. Also, you you can lose the makeup because you look like a prostitute at an electronics convention. Now, go wipe it off and help set the table.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Ahh, breakfast lasagna! Great call, honey.
Gloria: Stay away from it. It's for everybody tonight.
Jay: That's two meals away.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Flapjacks for mi amore?
Claire: Oh, grazie.
Alex: Ugh. I don't know what's more syrupy you two or Luke's chin.
Luke: That's weird. I haven't had breakfast yet.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: It spooked her and she's hiding. We need to find her before Jay does and sees the collar. He has warned me many times not to get one because they are cruel.
Phil: All right, we'll deal with the Russians first, then come find Stella before the big vote.
Gloria: We do not have much time. We need to go. [Gloria and Phil stand up]
Cameron: I actually ordered a sandwich.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Is Rainer not here yet?
Alex: Oh no, he is. He, uh, signed a head shot I didn't ask for, and then went to the bathroom. There's his daughter.
Haley: I've never met a boyfriend's daughter before. I mean, I went out with Stacy's dad, but I've known her since, like, kindergarten.

Quote from Haley

Alex: You're nervous? I mean, how could this go wrong? She's a teenage girl. That's when you peaked.
Haley: I know. I guess I just really like this guy, and I want to be able to show him I can fit into the more complicated parts of his life.
Rainer Shine: Hey, princess.
Haley: Hey!
April: Hey!
Rainer Shine: Six people filmed me arguing with that meter maid, and no one caught this adorable moment?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Anyways, I'm Haley, your dad's, uh...
April: Latest?
Rainer Shine: Yes! Flash flood in the Mohave, they need me to cover. The water's already ramp high at the senior center. You know, a puppy floats by on a pizza box, this could be national. Oops, snakes. Our day!
April: I'll just go to Mom and Jeff's.
Haley: No, no, we were supposed to get to know each other today. Um, I can watch you.
April: Because I'm 4?
Rainer Shine: Oh, tone. Are you sure?
Haley: Yes. Girls day. We'll meet you later.
Rainer Shine: Oh, okay, thank you for understanding, sweetie.
Haley: No problem.
April: No problem.
Rainer Shine: [chuckles] Tragedy strikes. Dozens dead. Tragedy strikes. Dozens dead.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I got the power suit, the corner office. A closet doesn't get installed in this town without me knowing about it. But one important decision, and suddenly I'm this pig-tailed little girl in Mary Janes looking to Daddy to tell me I'm smart.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Kevin, was that my grandson taking off in that sportscar?
Kevin: Yeah, it was.
Jay: That's quite a spin on that response. What's going on?
Kevin: Maggie Braithwaite has some work for him to do around her house. She's got an eye for the young ones.
Jay: Should I be worried?
Kevin: She might try and pressure him a little, but Luke's a smart kid, right?
Jay: ... Damn it.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: Oh, well, actually, I gotta I don't have my keys. Oh, I must have dropped them.
Phil: Oh, no. Well, I'll- I'll help you check the gym. You remember what machines you were using?
Mitchell: All of them.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: We scoured that gym. It actually did take a crazy long time, because Mitchell kept getting lost. But I still needed a little more time.

Quote from Gloria

[placeholder]

Quote from Phil

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello.
Phil: The red panda's left the zoo.
Cameron: Red panda?
Phil: Mitchell's code name! I stalled him for as long as I could, and he got away.
Cameron: Okay, well, how much time do I have?
Phil: I'm not sure. I don't really know where I am. All I can see is- Oh, there's your house.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Grandpa?
Jay: Oh, geez. I knew I should have run that yellow. Where's your shirt?
Luke: Mrs. Braithwaite wanted me to move some boxes, and told me to take it off so it didn't get dirty. But I kinda feel dirty anyway.

Quote from Jay

Mrs. Braithwaite: Luke, let's get those dirty, tight pants in the wash. Oh, hello. How are ya?
Jay: I'm here to pick up my barely-legal grandson.
Mrs. Braithwaite: I recognize you. From the club, right? You're the one fighting that silly new cigar rule.
Luke: Excuse me? Where'd you put my shirt?
Jay: Give us a minute, kid. It is a dumb rule, isn't it.
Mrs. Braithwaite: It's terrible. My late husband loved smoking in the main lodge.
Luke: Is that whose cologne you made me put on?
Jay: Hey, hey, hey. Boxes, right? I've got a petition here. Why don't you read it quick? You might want to sign it.
Mrs. Braithwaite: Oh, I'm not sure now's such a good time. [inhales sharply] My neck is so Luke, get in there.
Jay: Put your magic fingers to work.

Quote from Jay

Mrs. Braithwaite: Mm. How do you know my body this well?
Jay: Right there on the "X."
Mrs. Braithwaite: [inhales sharply] Ooh.
Jay: Oh, you seem relaxed.
Luke: I should stop.
Mrs. Braithwaite: Not just yet.
Jay: If it would be easier, just hold the pen, and I will move the paper underneath.
Mrs. Braithwaite: If I'd have known you were this good, I would have had you do my feet.
Jay: He's gonna get there. He's working his way down.
Mrs. Braithwaite: Ahh.
Jay: Probably just your initials would be okay.

Quote from Jay

Mrs. Braithwaite: You know what? If you don't mind, I'm gonna sign this later, send it home with Luke. All right, come on. We're done.
Jay: Okay, but, uh you're definitely gonna sign it, right?
Mrs. Braithwaite: Definitely, promise. Bye-bye. Luke, we should probably get upstairs and flip that mattress.
[Jay leaves and then promptly reconsiders]
Jay: Luke, I'm sorry. I forgot your mom needs you home for your piano lesson. Let's go.
Luke: Gotta run. See ya. Took you long enough.
Jay: Oh, please, it was an extra 10 seconds. What could have happened?
Luke: She asked me to do push-ups while she put on her wedding dress.
Jay: Wow, she jumped right to the Honeymoon Handshake.
Luke: It has a name?
Jay: Don't you and your dad ever talk?

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Okay, hurry, because he takes a picture of her every day at the same time because he's making a flip book. Ay, watch out, watch out. I think Mitchell is looking at us.
Cameron: Okay, I thought I cooled his suspicions this morning. Laugh and disperse. [all laugh]

Quote from Manny

Manny: I don't judge. I'm wearing a clear coat on my nails.
Mitchell: Ah.
Manny: Yeah, I know, what a chowder head. Hey, speaking of that regional delicacy-
Mitchell: I am not voting to go to Boston just so we could see where America's first ghoul was potty trained.
Manny: Care to wipe the lipstick off my neck from where you bit my head off? And why is there no orange juice? My mom went out for some this morning.
Mitchell: Really?
Manny: That you find interesting? Might as well pack for SeaWorld right now.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell is that? Is that a shock collar?
Gloria: I don't know, but this is a shocked face because I have never seen something like that in my life.
Jay: So you obviously bought it.
Gloria: I just didn't want Stella to walk out in the street.
Jay: That's what a leash is for! You're a bad dog owner. Bad dog owner!

Quote from Phil

Jay: Why did you have it?
Mitchell: Well, I know why. Yeah, because they're all working together.
Cameron: Oh, here we go. You should've heard his paranoia this morning about the the Russian renters?
Mitchell: Oh, I'm glad I'm glad you brought up the Russians because look at what I found!
Jay: That's my El Conquistador Especial. Gloria took that from me this morning.
Mitchell: Oh, let me guess, right before she went out to buy orange juice-
Jay: That's right.
Mitchell: Except for she wasn't. She was with Cam getting rid of the squatters while I was being stalled by that man!
Phil: They helped me hide a reindeer!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: We've reached a decision. Drum roll please.
Joe: [plays out-of-rhythm drum roll]
Jay: Close enough. The family is going to... Italy!
Alex: Ah!
Luke: Yes!
Gloria: Oh, no!
Alex: That's awesome!
Haley: That's so awesome, guys!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: The cutest part is that they think it was their idea.
[Gloria, Cameron and Phil laugh uproariously]

Quote from Phil

Alex: No offense, Dad, but I'm not sure these magazines are the treasure trove of information you thought they were.
Phil: What are you talking about?
Alex: "Glaciers: Now and Forever". "Canada: Our mysterious Neighbor to the North".
Luke: Don't hate these photos of the lost tribes.
Alex: That's a human head hanging off her skirt.
Phil: Kids, these magazines harken back to a time when man had to forage and fight for his foods. You guys have it too easy nowadays. You can lay around eating snacks saying, "Okay, Google, dim the kitchen lights."
Woman: Sure thing.
Alex: Go ahead, Dad.
Phil: Okay, Google, show me a video of a kangaroo playing badminton with a pirate.
Woman: Sure, playing on YouTube.
Phil: What?! [laughs]


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