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‘The Alliance’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Alliance

808. The Alliance

Aired November 30, 2016

Phil, Gloria and Cameron have formed a secret alliance to deal with their problems without the Pritchett side of the family finding out. The trio help cover up Gloria's purchase of a shock collar for Stella and Cameron's negligence dealing with a pair of Russian squatters. In need of signatures for a petition, Jay considers looking the other way when a widow at the country club takes a shine to Luke. Meanwhile, Haley is on the other side of dealing with an unbearable teenager when she spends the day with Rainer Shine's daughter.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Where is she, anyway? Haven't seen her since the morning.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I don't know where Stella is. I think it has something to do with the shock collar that I had to put on her because she kept running away. Maybe I tell Jay that I thought it was a necklace. He was the one who wanted to pierce her ears.

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Quote from Phil

Luke: Whoa. Watch the new kicks.
Claire: What? You have another pair of new sneakers? What is that job at the club paying you?
Luke: It's the tips, Mom. There's this one lady, hold the door for her 10 bucks. Bring her an ice tea with lemon, another 10 bucks.
Phil: Best tips I ever made was when we passed the hat after a performance of my improv group, "Rule of Three." We were known for our sketches, song parodies, and full-frontal nudity.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Thank you for coming. I have a problem with Russians.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Being married to a Pritchett is great.
Cameron: So great!
Gloria: The best!
Phil: But they can be a a tad judgmental.
Cameron: Almost punitive.
Gloria: They are monsters.
Cameron: That's why the three of us formed a a secret alliance to help each other cover up our our little mistakes.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: All right, shall we?
Gloria: No. I work alone. If you hear two bodies hit the floor, it's done. If you hear three, one tried to get back up.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Zdravstvuyte. [Hello]
Russian man #1: Chego ty khochesh'? [What do you want?]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood. We like it there. I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.
[back:]
Gloria: Igrovoye vremya okoncheno. [Playtime is over.]
Russian man #2: Kto ty? [Who are you?]
Gloria: Vy plokhiye parni. Vremya idti. [You are bad boys. It's time to go.]
Russian man #1: Ty dumayesh' ona na samom dele? [You think she's for real?]
Russian man #2: Yubaya zhenshchina, kotoraya vyglyadit tak i govorit po-russki, dolzhna byt' na svyazi. [Any woman that looks like that and speaks Russian must be connected.]
Gloria: Poproshchaysya so svoim drugom. Eto pereryv. [Say goodbye to your friend. It's naptime.]
Russian man #1: [gasps] Ona dolzhna znat' myasnika. [She must know the butcher.]
Russian man #2: YA uveren, chto my mozhem chto-to reshit'. [I'm sure we can work something out.]
Gloria: [aggressively] Vy khotite kurinyye pal'chiki? [You want chicken fingers?]
Russian man #2: Pozhaluysta, ne moi ruki. [Please, not my hands.]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] El Conquistador Especial. My dad's brand. That doesn't explain the lipstick, though. No, my dad won't even wear Chapstick. He says it's a gateway balm.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Mommy, could Ivan come for dinner?
Gloria: No, senor, 'cause tonight the whole family is coming over for dinner, 'cause we're gonna vote on where we're going on vacation this year.
Manny: A vote with a moral stain on it, since ballots are reserved for land-owning adults.
Gloria: Because nobody wants to go to the birthplace of Edgar Allan Poe.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Damn Colonel screwed me and took his name off my petition. I'm trying to overturn this dumb rule the club passed banning cigars within 40 feet of the main lodge.
Gloria: When my country passed a law that allowed them to drown 14 year olds, you said, "These things happen."
Jay: I just bought a box of El Conquistador Especiales. And they deserve to be smoked in a fine leather chair, not out by the fountain in some heavily-spidered area.
Gloria: I don't want this in my house.
Jay: Can't smoke at home, can't smoke at the club. Maybe Stella has room in her doghouse.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I know all about squatter's rights, Mitchell. Why do you always have to treat me like I'm some irresponsible...
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Idiot! The Russian brothers wanted one more night. So I took cash, and I didn't tell Mitchell, and now they won't leave. We have squatters. First termites, now squatters. At least the termites weren't my fault.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Look at this beautiful side table somebody just left on the street.
Mitchell: Oh, do you need a hand?
Cameron: No, it's like ridiculously light.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: [answering phone] Hello?
Cameron: You are all out of orange juice.
Phil: I understand. [hangs up, to family:] I have to go out for orange juice.
[meanwhile:]
Gloria: [on the phone] Yes, I understand. [hangs up, to family:] I have to go out for orange juice.
[back:]
Cameron: Mitchell? I have to go out for orange juice.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: So now, I have scary Russian squatters who won't leave. We'll have a small window when Mitchell goes to the gym. He usually stretches, takes a lap around the locker room, and then gets a smoothie.
Phil: You two deal with the Russians, and I'll keep Mitch distracted. Anything else?
Gloria: Yes. Our gate is broken, and Stella keeps getting out in the street. I bought her a shock collar.
Phil: I thought about getting one when Luke was younger. Claire ended up just shaking a can of pennies at him.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gary won't sign my petition unless I sign his. It'll be a cold day in hell before that hippie tees off in flip-flops.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, thank God you're here. I can hear the Russians upstairs laughing at democracy.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Ugh, sorry that took so long. [laughing] I can't pass up a library book sale. I mean, a dollar for as many magazines as you can fit in the car.
Mitchell: Yeah, National Geo... "Ireland: Land of Savages"? How old are these?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, it's pretty simple, Mitch. You just touch everything, and then when the tow truck guy shows up and sees your dirty paws, he knows you're a pro. Also, say "fan belt" as often as you- Mitchell? Mitchell?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: [Southern accent] Hi, sweetheart!
Mitchell: Save the Southern charm, Scarlett. Phil was clearly just trying to keep me from here.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Yeah, I-I lost my keys, and sudden suddenly he shows up and Does this have something to do with the thud we heard upstairs?
Cameron: Mitchell, I- I say this with love, but you're coming unhinged. The suspicions, the accusations, the mechanical sexual performance. [Gloria walks out with the Russians] Where has Mitchell gone? Yeah, I'm but I'm not a doctor, so if you think something's going on upstairs, by all means, let's go take a look. You know, on the other hand, if I were a doctor, I would say, "What's up with all the conspiracy theories?" It's textbook paranoia. Everyone's talking about it. But again, not a doctor, so shall we?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Huh.
Cameron: Well, you know, there are 30 different ways to say "I'm sorry" in Russian.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Maybe I was being paranoid.
Cameron: Apology accepted, and I'm sorry for calling your lovemaking mechanical. I actually really like your shy, school teacher character.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Okay, we've searched everywhere for Stella. No sign.
Phil: Yet. Don't worry, we'll find her before the gray goat does.
Gloria: Who?
Phil: Jay. Come on, guys, I spend a lot of time on those code names.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What is this?
April: Clothes that don't come from a mall.
Haley: Hold on, hold on. I'm supposed to be watching you.
April: I'm going to Betsy's. My Uber's out front.
Haley: Who is this Betsy? Are her parents even home? And you're 14. You're not Ubering anywhere. Also, you you can lose the makeup because you look like a prostitute at an electronics convention. Now, go wipe it off and help set the table.


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