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‘The Storm’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Storm

714. The Storm

Aired February 24, 2016

When a huge thunder storm brings downpours and power outages, the whole family gathers at Jay and Gloria's house, which Jay is desperately trying to escape so he can go see his old Navy buddies. Phil is determined to be a hero after embarrassing himself earlier in the day. Mitchell and Cameron try to impress a popular girl who is attending Lily's party. Meanwhile, Haley wonders why Andy has been cold to her lately.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What's going on here? I could cut the tension with my machete.

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Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Andy I started out pretty hot and heavy, but, uh, the last few weeks I've just been super busy, so I guess he's feeling neglected, and he's acting a little cold. I mean, a chuck on the arm? What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer? [chuckles] Those are people, right?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What? They didn't like the peanut-butter sandwiches?
Mitchell: No. No one would touch them after Ashley said, [as Ashley] "Crunchy?"
Cameron: Sh! What are you, crazy? She's right there.
Mitchell: Ugh! This is ridiculous. Are we really gonna let an 8-year-old dictate this party?
Cameron: You know how peer pressure is. I had an Ashley when I was Lily's age. She blackballed me from the cafeteria table, and then no one would sit with me. I had to eat outside with the class rooster. And then one day-
Mitchell: Okay, if this ends in another case of you almost eating one of your animal friends, I can't.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Why can't we remember this last piece? We just had it this morning.
Luke: Hey, guys. I know you're busy, but do you think being hit by lightning can make people smarter?
Alex: Get out of here.
Luke: Huh. Yeah. [starts writing on the whiteboard] It's probably just a myth. There's so much crazy stuff written on the Internet these days.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Turns out, when they figured it out the first time, the formula was in the background of a selfie I took.
[back:]
Luke: Anyway, if you don't think lightning can do that, it must not be true. After all, you are the smartest people I know. [drops the marker pen]

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: There was an incident this morning at our annual neighborhood block party.
Claire: Cam usually provides the entertainment at these things, but he had Lily's birthday party, so Phil volunteered.
Phil: Who needs a Fizbo if you can have a Philbo?
[flashback:]
Phil: What?! I mean, where does it end? It's so long! It's comically long, when you think about it.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Thing is, Phil's terrified of clowns.
Phil: Just thought if I was the clown, I wouldn't be scared. Like how you can't tickle yourself.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I powered up all your essentials. Now I'm gonna go meet my buddies.
Manny: I see my espresso machine didn't make the cut, but I'll manage.
Jay: One of the guys I'm meeting was lost at sea once. Had to eat a jellyfish. I'll speak to him of your courage.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Hey, Ashley hates the costumes. You got to think of something else!
Mitchell: What do we do?
Cameron: Well, I don't know. Our friends are basically 8-year-old girls. What would they want to do?
Both: Dance party!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, honey, you're gonna be fine. I can't believe you let him get struck again!
Luke: Again?
Phil: Don't worry about it, champ. I don't even think it hit him. Last time he smelled like aluminum.
Luke: Last time?!
Claire: Honey, your father and I are trying to talk.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I'm just saying, you could tell him since you already peeped.
Claire: I didn't peep.
Gloria: Tell him that he has a beautiful body so at least something good comes out of the peeping.
Claire: Please stop saying that.
Gloria: When I see Luke naked, I am going to tell him, "Luke, you have a beautiful body."
Claire: "When"?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Okay, five Newtonian equations down. Only seven quantum mechanical proofs to go! We are cooking with C-H-4.
Maisie: Oh! laughs] Cooking with gas.
Luke: And they're both single, fellas.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You know, I totally forgot some of my Navy buddies are meeting downtown later for a little reunion at O'Brien's pub.
Gloria: Well, nothing special is happening here today, so you have permission to go.
Jay: Well, I don't really need your permission.
Gloria: Why don't you just keep quiet and take yes for an answer?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, there's my handsome, perfect, amazing boy!
Manny: Still not going on the class trip.
Gloria: Why are you being such a dummy? Is this because I-
Manny: Mom, I don't want to talk about it.
Gloria: Why am I the only one in this house that ever wants to talk about things?! [Joe crying] Ay, papi, what is wrong?
Joe: Not now.
Gloria: Okay, that's it. If the men in this house don't start talking to me, I swear to God that I will make life miserable for each and every one of you! [thunder claps] No, not yet.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Oh, don't tell me the power just went out! My Sleep Number bed is stuck on the nap setting.
Jay: Calm down. This is exactly why I sprung for a new generator. Which, you're welcome, just kicked in. Now, granted, it doesn't power everything. I had to make some hard choices.
Manny: Hmm. That's it? The bar and the pool table?
Joe: The frigerator's black.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, Jay, you're not leaving until you put power in the important things. I swear to God, don't make me more mad than I already am!
Jay: Can't I just do it when I get back? [thunder claps] Would you stop doing that?!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's Lily's 8th birthday, and we had a little backyard party planned. Hot dogs, some balloons... You know, I mean, we really just threw it together.
Cameron: Kind of like my birthday party last year.
Mitchell: Okay, you told me that you did not want me to do anything.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Ashley is the most popular girl in Lily's class. I mean, you invite her, yeah, but you never think she's gonna accept. No.
Mitchell: Something must have fallen through, or-
Cameron: The point is, she decides who's in and who's out. So we had to up our game.
Mitchell: Which was a fun challenge.
Cameron: Yeah, considering it had been a while since we'd thrown any sort of fabulous birthday party.
Mitchell: You begged me not to make a fuss. You said-
Cameron: Oh, because that sounds like me, yeah.

Quote from Phil

Joe: I can't open the jar.
Phil: Well, lucky for you your uncle- brother-in-law Phil is here.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Okay, princesses, your castle awaits!
Jay: What gives?
Mitchell: The roads were starting to flood, so we were hoping to ride out the storm here.
Jay: Yeah, sure.
Mitchell: Also, Dad, we're hoping to keep the princess theme alive, so if you could pretend to be a-
Jay: Interested? No.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, girls, let's get some music started here. Oh, God, Cam, there's no power.
Cameron: There's Cam power.
Mitchell: What? What is that?
Cameron: Well, had I listened to you and we not donated to NPR, we wouldn't have gotten this free emergency radio that we then re-gifted to Jay and Gloria.
Mitchell: I wouldn't call $19 a month free, but okay.
Cameron: [cranking] All right, let's get a little funk in here, ladies! [music starts, cuts out] Little more funky energy in this thing!
Mitchell: Got to warm up, you know? Got to get it warmed up!
Cameron: [radio starts up, stops] I don't know what's wrong with me. This is my butter-churning arm.

Quote from Pepper

Phil: How crazy is your dad, huh?! Braving the elements! Keeping the family dry! That is fur! What's the plan, Luke? There are no bad ideas, but waving a metal shovel around in an electrical storm could have a downside, so let's put it back in the garage, huh? Whoa, that was close! [clatter] Oh, my God! Not again!

Quote from Claire

Claire: It's so nothing. I mean... [scoffs] Manny got his robe caught in the refrigerator door, and I may have accidentally seen him.
Manny: Oh, you saw.
Claire: Okay. Manny, it's over. What happened happened. It's done.
Gloria: Okay? Okay, good, because I have a problem and I need your help, Claire.
Claire: Yes. You got it. What is it?
Gloria: Well, Manny doesn't want to go to his school trip because there is a rumor that the kids want to go skinny-dipping, and he's self-conscious about his body.
Claire: I'm gonna pretend I don't understand why you're including me in this conversation.

Quote from Claire

Manny: Maybe she doesn't think I have a beautiful body.
Gloria: Oh. Ay, dios mi­o! Claire, is this true?
Claire: No! Okay, I can't do this. I'm- I'm just gonna go ahead and walk away now. But if a bolt of lightning should strike this house, you can send it my way.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay. This is- This is what I'm gonna do. If we get Ashley on board, everything else will just fall into place. I convince juries that guilty people are innocent. I can certainly convince Ashley that our party ideas are dope.
Cameron: Yeah, but don't say dope.
Mitchell: I won't say dope.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Your husband's outside half naked. There's still time to go downstairs and body shame him if you like.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Of course you're insecure about your body. You're a teenager. It's part of the job description. But if this whole skinny-dipping thing ever even happens, you have nothing to worry about.
Manny: Easy for you to-
Claire: You're still talking. You have nothing to worry about because nobody's going to be looking at you, because all those other kids are gonna be too preoccupied with their own insecurities.
Manny: But i-if they do?
Claire: [inhales sharply] You'll be fine. You're the most confident kid I have ever met, and that is always sexy.
Manny: Thanks, Claire.
Claire: Mm.
Manny: And if this helps you in any way, I've always found you sexy, too.
Claire: Super.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What are you talking about? "Hero"? You're so much more than that. You have flaws. You fall down a lot.
You frighten yourself. You cannot even open a jar. You cry all the time.
Phil: I'm really ready for this to build into a compliment.
Gloria: The point is that you are comfortable with yourself, and you make people around you feel comfortable. They feel that they can talk to you. That's your superpower!

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm not gonna get there, am I?
Phil: We don't have to talk about it.
Jay: Old Navy buddy of mine, Big Jake, died today. Guys in my unit have a tradition whereas, when one of us goes, the rest of us, no matter where we are, find the nearest Irish pub, and at 7:00, silently toast the fallen. Started with 10 guys. Four of us left. Probably should have told Gloria about it, but I don't know. We- We all went through some rough stuff together. Hard to talk about.


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