Phil: Claire, I know this isn't the Halloween you wanted, but can you try to sell it?
Claire: I'm sorry, honey. I got mad at you and I upset Amber, and all because Ronnie called me a soccer mom. What is wrong with me?
Haley: Nothing. I hate it when people assume things about me that aren't true. Like because I'm pretty, I'm stuck-up. When people do that to me, I'm just like, "Shut up, troll. Why am I even talking to you?"

Jay: Yeah, ouch. You do this every time. You go as a princess. I have to go as some freak. You're beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce? I'm that guy.

Cameron: You know, Lily's been letting me know recently that she's feeling neglected. I think it's because of all my football stuff. That's why I went all out on her costume. Look how incredibly accurate it is. Where is that little guy? Come on. Come to me. Come on. Here you- Here you go.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: No matter how long he stares at it, Cam cannot find Waldo.
Lily: It's crazy.
Mitchell: Once, he pointed to a barber pole, and we just gave it to him.

Gloria: Boys, what do you think about my costume for tonight?
Jay: You look dynamite, honey.
Gloria: Ay, thank you. I am princess Fiona.
Jay: So does that make me a prince? Do I have to keep track of a crown all night?
Gloria: No, you're Shrek, the ogre.
Jay: You mean that big green thing? Nah, I don't want to walk around all night with an ugly rubber mask.
Gloria: No. You just need to paint your face green, and that's it.
Manny: Ouch.

Gloria: Well, you never want to go shopping with me for costumes, so I get what I want, and you are what comes with it.
Jay: Well, this year, I'm getting my own costume, and it's gonna be tough and manly. Maybe a cowboy or a construction worker.
Gloria: You know that that's what Mitch and Cam wore last year, right?

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire's busy with work this year, so I'm taking over the Halloween duties. My theme is Awesomeland.
Claire: Which includes anything Phil finds awesome. It's a pretty big umbrella.
Phil: Ooh! Big, pretty umbrellas, those are awesome.
Claire: Nuh-uh.
Phil: Claire loves blood and guts and gore, but who says Halloween has to be scary?
Claire: Everybody but you.
Phil: This is killing her.
Claire: At least something's dying.

Gloria: So, because of this marriage, you're basically third cousins with Shakira. I mean, we don't get the free tickets, but it's fun.

Jay: [aside to camera] I loved having hair, and I knew how to use it. I'd walk up to a pretty girl and run my hand through my hair. Score a touchdown, whip the helmet off, run my hand through my hair. People say clothes make the man, but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. [stroking his head] Damn it! It's like a phantom limb!

Haley: Here comes dad. He's gonna be all like, "No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!"
Phil: No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!
Luke: Are you from the future?

Cameron: Look, in the hallway! It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super-out-of-breath.
Cameron: Happy Halloween to you, too.