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‘Halloween 3: AwesomeLand’ Quotes

Modern Family: Halloween 3: AwesomeLand

606. Halloween 3: AwesomeLand

Aired October 29, 2014

With Claire busy at work on her favorite holiday, Phil takes over the Halloween decorations and is determined to put his own happy spin on the festivities. Jay chooses his own costume after rejecting Gloria's couple's costume choice of Princess Fiona and Shrek. Meanwhile, Cameron feels his dedication to coaching is causing him to drop the ball on parenting Lily, and Mitchell is hoping to break a losing streak in the court room.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Claire, I know this isn't the Halloween you wanted, but can you try to sell it?
Claire: I'm sorry, honey. I got mad at you and I upset Amber, and all because Ronnie called me a soccer mom. What is wrong with me?
Haley: Nothing. I hate it when people assume things about me that aren't true. Like because I'm pretty, I'm stuck-up. When people do that to me, I'm just like, "Shut up, troll. Why am I even talking to you?"

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Quote from Jay

Jay: Yeah, ouch. You do this every time. You go as a princess. I have to go as some freak. You're beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce? I'm that guy.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You know, Lily's been letting me know recently that she's feeling neglected. I think it's because of all my football stuff. That's why I went all out on her costume. Look how incredibly accurate it is. Where is that little guy? Come on. Come to me. Come on. Here you- Here you go.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: No matter how long he stares at it, Cam cannot find Waldo.
Lily: It's crazy.
Mitchell: Once, he pointed to a barber pole, and we just gave it to him.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Boys, what do you think about my costume for tonight?
Jay: You look dynamite, honey.
Gloria: Ay, thank you. I am princess Fiona.
Jay: So does that make me a prince? Do I have to keep track of a crown all night?
Gloria: No, you're Shrek, the ogre.
Jay: You mean that big green thing? Nah, I don't want to walk around all night with an ugly rubber mask.
Gloria: No. You just need to paint your face green, and that's it.
Manny: Ouch.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Well, you never want to go shopping with me for costumes, so I get what I want, and you are what comes with it.
Jay: Well, this year, I'm getting my own costume, and it's gonna be tough and manly. Maybe a cowboy or a construction worker.
Gloria: You know that that's what Mitch and Cam wore last year, right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire's busy with work this year, so I'm taking over the Halloween duties. My theme is Awesomeland.
Claire: Which includes anything Phil finds awesome. It's a pretty big umbrella.
Phil: Ooh! Big, pretty umbrellas, those are awesome.
Claire: Nuh-uh.
Phil: Claire loves blood and guts and gore, but who says Halloween has to be scary?
Claire: Everybody but you.
Phil: This is killing her.
Claire: At least something's dying.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: So, because of this marriage, you're basically third cousins with Shakira. I mean, we don't get the free tickets, but it's fun.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I loved having hair, and I knew how to use it. I'd walk up to a pretty girl and run my hand through my hair. Score a touchdown, whip the helmet off, run my hand through my hair. People say clothes make the man, but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. [stroking his head] Damn it! It's like a phantom limb!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Look, in the hallway! It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super-out-of-breath.
Cameron: Happy Halloween to you, too.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I'm sorry. I'm just- I'm really nervous about this closing argument today.
Cameron: [whispering] Is it because you've lost three cases in a row?
Mitchell: Whispering it doesn't make it any less painful.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Well, do you want to run your argument by me?
Mitchell: Could I?
Cameron: Sure.
Mitchell: Um, okay. Six years ago, Alger Equities took investments from municipal pension funds and private investors and funneled all of that into offshore- And I've already lost you.
Cameron: No. I was just thinking, because it's Halloween, what if you wore these in the courtroom? Show the jury "Hey, I'm playful."
Mitchell: Cam, I'm an attorney, not Bugs Bunny trying to hide on a train.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I'm ready.
Cameron: There's Waldo!
Lily: I think I'm gonna win the costume contest.
Cameron: Hey, now, honey, it's not important if you win. It's just for fun. Picture.
Lily: But it's more fun if you win. [to Mitchell] No offense, daddy.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Damn it! I cut my finger!
Haley: Ha, ha, happy Halloween.
Alex: No, really. I cut myself. Look!
Luke: That looks great. What'd you use to make the blood?
Alex: A knife. I'm actually hurt.
Claire: Great production value, sweetheart. I'm impressed.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, dios mio. What is this?
Jay: What's up, princess? I'm Prince Charming.
Gloria: I can see that.
Jay: I got Joe a donkey costume, and I got Stella cat ears. I just hope she doesn't chase herself.
Gloria: Ah, I get it, because she's a dog.
Jay: I also found out that princess Fiona is supposed to wear a tiara, so here you go. They had a whole bucket full of 'em.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I don't think that fits.
Phil: It fits in Awesomeland. It's a magic hat. I'm gonna have this bunny jumping out of it.
Claire: You gonna put some blood on it, maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding. I know it's Jay and Dede.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Our new neighbors, medical-marijuana retailer Ronnie and his wife, Amber, moved in two months ago, and-
Phil: It's been a week and a half.
Claire: Dear God. Really?
Phil: Yeah.

Quote from Claire

Haley: I'm meeting a friend for coffee.
Claire: No, you're not. No. You're helping me take this all down. Everything goes. Everything except the bunny. I have plans for the bunny.

Quote from Cameron

Debbie: And how are you two related?
Cameron: Uh, you know what, gay or straight, there's no wrong way to make a family, so...
Debbie: Okay, down, girl. I meant, how are your costumes related? It's a parent/child costume contest.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: I gave it to you, Daddy! I knew your costume was all wrong!
Cameron: O-okay, hey, don't panic. There's plenty of time before the parade. Is there another character in "where's Waldo?"
Lily: Wizard Whitebeard.
Cameron: Okay! Well, that'll be fun! I haven't gone out with a white beard since I took my cousin Sally to the prom. All right, I'll be back as soon as I can. Lily, explain Daddy's joke.

Quote from Alex

Claire: No. No! This doesn't look real at all. Alex, where's that blood you were using this morning on your finger?
Alex: Running through my veins, keeping me alive.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Here comes dad. He's gonna be all like, "No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!"
Phil: No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!
Luke: Are you from the future?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Come on. It's gonna be fun. The kids are gonna be deranged mental patients, and -- and I am going to be a sadistic nurse, and you are a demented doctor.
Phil: Twenty years of "no", but for this you'll dress like a nurse?!
Haley: Um, no.
Luke: Come on.
Alex: Of course the woman is the nurse and the man is the doctor.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil! Well, honey, look! I kept your bunny!
Phil: Nibbles!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Made it in the nick of time. All right, let's get this parade started while I'm still just 4,000 years old.
Debbie: You do know the parade's not till after school, right?
Cameron: What? No! I can't stay that long. I have football practice. Oh, my God. I have to tell Lily. She's gonna be devastated. Oh, no. Where's Waldo?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on video call] Mitchell, I have a costume emergency.
Mitchell: Just wear it with confidence, Cam. I'm sure you look great.
Cameron: No, I can't find Lily!
Mitchell: Oh, okay, found her. By the trash can, next to the big kid dressed like a hobo.
Cameron: Oh, you did it. I don't- I don't think that's a kid. I should probably tell a grown-up.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, what happened to my hair?
Gloria: Ay, no. Please. I cannot have this conversation again. Yes, Jay, time is cruel.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay, what do you think: handsome Hawaiian or sexy scotsman?
Jay: I can't do this right now.
Manny: Come on, Jay, this is my farewell tour of trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. I have to go out strong. Or should I just do what people are expecting?
Jay: Stay home 'cause you're 20?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Maybe Stella took your wig and buried it in the yard. I saw her playing with it earlier.
Jay: What? Why didn't you take it from her?
Gloria: I don't understand your relationship with her. You let her lick your feet.
Jay: Who is that possibly hurting? What am I gonna do now? Prince Charming had hair!
Gloria: Please. We don't really know that for sure. There weren't cameras back then. Maybe he had to be charming because he was bald.

Quote from Claire

Alex: You really think it's appropriate to be strapping your teenage daughter to a gurney?
Claire: If we win, it is.
Alex: I may have to take a pee break soon.
Claire: Ooh. Here. Use this bedpan. I'm kidding. That's gross. I put candy in it.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley, sweetie, uh, gown's on backwards.
Haley: Oh, no. It's cuter this way. Sexy people go crazy, too, you know. Read a People magazine.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Now, when she said "joint Thanksgiving," do you think that she meant-
Alex: No.
Haley: Okay.

Quote from Phil

Boy: What are you supposed to be?
Alex: Born into another family.
Phil: She is Tess McGill, feminist heroine from the 1980s classic "Working girl". You should check it out sometime. In a few years. There is some light vacuuming in underpants.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Keep up the good work! How's it going here?
Luke: I look stupid! These puppies are making it impossible for me to stay mad at you. Stupid, adorable puppies.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I do not like being pigeonholed.
Alex: It's obvious, Mom, you use Halloween as a way to show people you have edge. It's like accountants who buy a Harley.
Claire: She's right. Being scary is my motorcycle.
Phil: That's my Tess.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I knew my farewell tour would be emotional, but at least I can say I did it my way.
Jay: You've said that four times. You know he had other songs?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Excuse me. Did you just ask that fake doctor about hair plugs?
Jay: No! You know how you struggle with the language.
Gloria: Jay.
Jay: Damn it, Gloria. I miss having a head full of hair. And don't act like you don't miss it, too.
Gloria: When we got married, you had four more hairs than you do now. This is not a surprise to me.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What about today? Hmm? Earlier? When we were not napping? When you were a little extra-enthusiastic?
Gloria: Because you were enthusiastic. You went out and bought costumes for all of us, you were singing. For once, you were not like, "I don't want to do this. "I just want to sit at home, watch golf, and eat my 10-layer dip."
Jay: Just five. Five layers.
Gloria: One layer is enough, Jay. I loved that you were having fun with us. A happy husband, that's what is sexy to me.
Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh, yes! That's who it is! The man from the $100 bill! My favorite!

Quote from Mitchell

Boy: That's your costume? A big nose?
Mitchell: All right, you know, cool it. I've had a rough day. You think you're the first Spongebob I've seen?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I got my win. Trials would be a whole lot easier if juries were made up of 7-year-old girls like Lily. And Cam.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, they just make it impossible to find him. It's cruel and inappropriate. It just sets children up to fail, and it destroys their self-esteem.
Lily: Right there.
Cameron: Is he there? Is- Where- Where did she point? Where did she p-

Quote from Claire

Amber: What is all this? Is this supposed to be funny?
Claire: No, it's supposed to be scary.
Phil: No, it's supposed to be awesome.
Amber: You know, I could tell that you guys didn't love us moving in next door. Maybe 'cause Ronnie deals pot or maybe 'cause of my confederate-flag bikini. I don't know, but -- but I thought we were becomin' friends. I was gonna propose a joint Thanksgivin', but this is really low.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What was that?
Ronnie: Amber gets touchy about this stuff. Uh, she- She spent six months in a cuckoo farm in Nevada. I'm sorry. She gets mad when I say that. It was in Utah.
Claire: Oh, my God.

Quote from Phil

Claire: You lied just to make me feel bad?
Ronnie: No, no. We lied so that we could win with our zombie house o' whores!
Claire: That is so messed up.
Phil: Did you say "whores," or...
Amber: No, no. It ain't messed up. The saying is "trick or treat. " This is the trick part.
Ronnie: Our yard's full o' dead whores. You got a Santa.
Phil: Yep. "Whores." I heard it again. Why are we not talking about this?


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