Gloria: Manny's right. The quinceanera is very important in the Latin culture. The moment the father dances with his little princess. Ay. I remember my own father holding my hand. There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel.

Jay: But these people don't want me there. See, they're just being polite. I'm the boss.
Gloria: That's what you tell yourself so you can stay above them. You just throw them an Obama Steak and run to the golf course.

Alex: What are you doing? I was about to call Mackenzie?
Haley: Yeah, I know. Now shut up and let me help you. The world is divided into two groups: Cool girls and girls like you. And you have been given a rare opportunity to move from the former to the latter.
Alex: The latter to the former.
Haley: Whatever. Oh, my God, you're such a geek. Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to be popular?

Phil: Good evening. I would not be here tonight if not for the hard work of the SCARB board of trustees...
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I didn't have my jokes. What choice does a guy have but to play it straight?
[back:]
Phil: The support of my family and Gil Thorpe's colon. [crowd laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: But Phil Dunphy is no straight guy.

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil is gonna bomb. It's not that he's not fun. He is so fun. He's just not funny. It's probably my fault, because I laugh at all of his jokes. With my mouth. Not with my eyes.

Phil: "If you're looking for a two-story house, I'm your man. I'll tell you one story before you buy it and then another story after."
Luke: [laughs] No, you didn't.

Phil: [aside to camera] Tonight is the SCARB.
Claire: The Southern California Annual Realtor's Banquet.
Phil: I think they know what it is.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: It's the mother of all residential real estate banquets. Now, for the last five years Gil Thorpe has hosted but, as luck would have it he's having a sketchy-looking polyp removed so they've asked me to fill in. See what I did?
Claire: Oh, yeah.
Phil: Fill. You think I should open with that?
Claire: You betcha. You should.

Gloria: Do you even know these people, Jay? Hmm? Or they're just the backs you step on?
Jay: I know you like to make me out as an elitist but the truth is, I'm close with these people.
Gloria: Then prove it. Let's go to the party.
Jay: Fine. One hour. You drive. 'Cause I don't wanna give my valet ticket to the wrong guy, have you all over me.

Claire: Okay, can't you just run like a normal person?
Mitchell: What? It's troga.
Claire: It's what?
Mitchell: You never heard of troga?
Claire: I hate it when you do that.
Mitchell: What?
Claire: "You never heard of troga?" "You never tried octopus?" "You've never done this amazing thing I just discovered yesterday but I pretend like I've done my whole life?"
Mitchell: So troga is treadmill yoga. It's de rigueur.
Claire: It's de-dorky.

Haley: So who's Mackenzie?
Alex: You don't know her.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: Oh, I know Mackenzie. Cute, popular. I am Mackenzie. I invented Mackenzie. And the way she's making my sister run around... It's kinda funny, but I can't have it. It's bad for the family.