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42Quotes from ‘Under Pressure’

Modern Family: Under Pressure

512. Under Pressure

Aired January 15, 2014

At a high school open house, Claire finds herself overwhelmed just thinking about all the pressure on Alex, Jay teaches Phil to break the rules some times, and Gloria encounters a competitive "mean girl" mom. Meanwhile, Mitchell gets defensive when he's confronted by his eco-warrior neighbor.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's a caste system at school: academic teachers at the top, gym teachers at the bottom. It's offensive and disrespectful. They treat us like we're lunch ladies.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: Okay, everybody. Cake time!
Alex: Thank God. I really have to study.
Claire: Oh, sweetheart, can't you just take a minute to enjoy it? It's your birthday. You put too much pressure on yourself.
Cameron: I remember my sweet 16. I wanted a theme party. "Moonstruck" had just come out, but I hadn't, so-
Alex: No stories, no time. S.A.T.s.

Quote from Phil

Alex: So, about my meltdown.
Phil: Who?
Claire: What meltdown?
Alex: I want to see a therapist. I did some research. Dr. Gregory Clark -- highly recommended, specializes in teenagers, and is covered by our insurance. I booked a double session with him today. And since you guys have the open house, I will be taking the bus.
Claire: Okay.
Phil: That sounds good. She's like a self-cleaning oven.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I want to impress Manny's history teacher. I want Manny to go to Washington, D.C.
Manny: Yeah, junior congress. Only one kid in the whole grade gets picked to go. I think I can make a difference.
Jay: Regular congress can't even make a difference.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, Phil. Where's Claire?
Phil: Oh, she's going to Alex's classes. I'm doing Luke's. I'm surprised to see you here. Isn't your team playing today?
Jay: Yeah. Gloria made me come. I think I'm recording the game, but, you know, you can never know. The last time, I got six hours of Bravo.

Quote from Alex

Dr. Clark: Well, uh, this is a process. You know, it takes some time. [Alex sighs] What- What are you thinking?
Alex: Nothing.
Dr. Clark: No, no. Go ahead. Tell me.
Alex: That maybe you're not up for this. I mean, no offense. You're just a lot older than you look on your website. Did you even have S.A.T.s when you were in High School or Asian kids?
Dr. Clark: Oh, no. No, no, no. But there were other things I worried about: Spanish inquisition, sailing off the edge of the world, learning how to understand fire.
Alex: Sorry.

Quote from Alex

Dr. Clark: You mind if we try something?
Alex: What?
Dr. Clark: Just do me a favor. Take a deep breath. Great. Now what's on your mind?
Alex: Well, I just remembered that I forgot to charge my computer before I left and that I have to get new index cards before Monday. Hopefully they don't run out of the blue ones, because, for some reason, those help me study better. Maybe it's because they're easier to read or maybe my prescription's getting worse. I should probably make an appointment with the eye doctor. Also, should I get a job this summer or would an internship look better on my application? And what is up with Hillary? Is she going to run or not? I mean, I feel like she'd totally understand the feeling of being overwhelmed, but also like you're not doing enough at the same time.
Dr. Clark: Wow.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] With Luke and Haley, I'm on top of everything because they aren't. But Alex is so self-sufficient, I just sort of put it in cruise control. I've fallen asleep at the wheel, and now my little genius is covered in cake.

Quote from Luke

Luke: You've got to switch with me.
Manny: What? No, we can't do that.
Luke: They're twins. They'll never notice.
Manny: You realize we're not twins, right?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, quick, turn off your car.
Haley: Why? It's in park, I think.
Mitchell: I have a judgey green neighbor. He had the nerve to come over here and tell me that I'm not green enough.
Haley: Shut up! You're super-green.
Mitchell: Thank you. I'm- I'm recycling a dollhouse. I even recycled a child.

Quote from Haley

Haley: You know what you should do? March right over there and wave that trophy in his stupid eco face.
Mitchell: No. You think?
Haley: Yes. Those people are so annoying. There's this girl at my school who was all over me about my boots 'cause they're leather. Meanwhile, she's wearing crocs, like those aren't endangered.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: All right, those are blowing into his yard. That is- Okay, that's definitely gonna hurt my case. [to Haley] Uh, you pick these up. I'm gonna go get the trophy. Lily, help her.
Lily: I heard that "recycled child" comment.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Thanks to your little flask, now the teacher thinks I'm a burnout.
Jay: Football game. Football game!
Phil: What are you doing?
Jay: You can do this now. I saw it in a commercial.
Phil: Not with that phone. You might as well say it into your wallet.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Whoa. You're being a little-
Alex: Obstreperous?! Recalcitrant?! Truculent?!
Haley: I was gonna say "cray-cray."
Claire: Alex, sweet-
Alex: I really need to focus! There is a 16-year-old science prodigy studying cancer research at Johns Hopkins! Sixteen! What am I doing? I'm eating cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

Quote from Luke

Claire: Alex might be a little bit fragile after last night, so let's try to be sensitive.
Haley: Oh, believe me, I am going to be nothing but nice to Alex from now on. If she snaps and goes on a rampage, who do you think she's coming for first?
Claire: She's not going on a rampage.
Phil: I bet she'd let me live. She likes me.
Luke: I'm just gonna say it. I never trusted her.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [to Alex] Hi, pretty girl.
Claire: How'd you sleep?
Alex: Fine.
Haley: Your hair looks super-soft, Al. And is that a great new sweater? Love!
Alex: Dad, can you hand me the butter knife?
All: No!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Check it out. I'm rockin' the old school for the open house today. I'm gonna put the "fizz" back in "phys ed."

Quote from Mitchell

Asher: Um, I just wanted to let you know, I think there might be something wrong with your air conditioner.
Mitchell: Oh, really?
Asher: Yeah, I mean, it just seems to be running a lot, even when it's, uh, kind of cool outside.
Mitchell: Oh. No, no. Um, my partner runs a little hot.
Asher: Not as hot as our planet. Sorry. I don't mean to be that guy. It's just, um, we're all in this together.
Mitchell: Yeah, I drive a Prius, so...
Asher: And that's a nice little gesture. My car runs on reclaimed cooking oil. I have some literature, if you want it.
Mitchell: That's okay. Save the paper.
Asher: I haven't printed anything since 2004. I was gonna e-mail you.
Mitchell: On your power-hungry computer?
Asher: My entire house is solar-powered. I sell energy back to the grid and use that money to save polar bears.
Mitchell: I'm an environmental lawyer, so, you know, I'm pretty green.
Asher: Mm. So is your lawn.
Mitchell: I went drought-tolerant: succulents, indigenous plants, rock garden.
Lily: My other daddy says your yard looks like a litter box.
Asher: She's a cute kid. I remember when she was in disposable diapers.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Are you ready?
Jay: Yeah. Why do you look like that when I look like this?
Manny: My friends say it's because of your money.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What is her name?
Manny: Either Zoe or Piper.
Gloria: How can you be going on a date and you don't know her name?
Manny: This is where it gets interesting.
Jay: I seriously doubt that.

Quote from Luke

Manny: [aside to camera]A few days ago, we almost let a girl come between us.
Luke: Then a miracle happened. Twins. Each as pretty as the other.
Manny: It's funny. Luke and I don't usually go for the same kind of girl.
Luke: Yeah. I like to describe my type as "gettable."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'm gonna spice things up with a spirited game of dodgeball.
Principal Brown: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Cameron: Okay, before you say "no"-
Principal Brown: I already said "no."
Cameron: Let me show you my whole bit. [cowboy accent] Howdy, folks. My name's Tucker. I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Then...

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hello, Mr. Ingram. I am Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, Manny's mother.
Mr. Ingram: Yes, of course. I just wanted to thank you so much. He thinks the world of you. You know, as a child of an immigrant, he can look at the world with such a fresh perspective. And talking about fresh, I brought you some empanadas.
Jay: Subtle.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: And who knows? Maybe Manny's going to be the first Latino president.
Dr. Donna Duncan: Hello, Mr. Ingram. Dr. Donna Duncan, Wesley's mom. Just brought you a little thank-you for being his absolute favorite teacher ever.
Gloria: Those cupcakes are so white.
Dr. Donna Duncan: Thank you. Dr. Donna Duncan.
Gloria: I'm Gloria. We've met several times.
Dr. Donna Duncan: Oh, of course. Mario's mom.
Gloria: Manny.
Dr. Donna Duncan: And how is he fitting in now? Better? Anyway...

Quote from Jay

Jay: Don't be such a goody-goody. Taste it. It's older than you are.
Phil: I don't want any scotch.
Jay: Well, just smell it.
Phil: Fine.
Mr. Ingram: Mr. Dunphy, is that a flask?
Phil: No. It is. It- I... Uh, I was... It's his.
Jay: No, it's not.
Mr. Ingram: For the record, no alcohol is allowed on school premises.
Jay: For God's sake, Phil, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.

Quote from Alex

Dr. Clark: So, Alex, tell me why you're here.
Alex: I had a little meltdown last night, and I'm afraid it'll happen again but, this time, in the middle of the S.A.T.s or something.
Dr. Clark: Why do you think you melted down?
Alex: I'm stressed. It's my junior year. Part of me feels like the limbic system in my brain's a bit off. That's a thing, right? I did some research.
Dr. Clark: You know I charge the same even if you diagnose yourself?
Alex: I'm just trying to move this along. I have a lot to do.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: Didn't you win some award?
Mitchell: Yes, yes. The State Bar Association Award for Sustained Excellence in the Field of Environmental-
Haley: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one.
Mitchell: Law. There was one word left. You didn't have to cut me off.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Come on. We're gonna be late for math.
Jay: I'm not going to any more boring classes.
Phil: You're just gonna cut?
Jay: No, I'm just not gonna go because I'm in my 60s. Teacher's lounge. They got a TV in here.
Phil: We can't go in the teacher's lounge.
Jay: Why not?
Phil: Um, it's for teachers only.
Jay: You're a teacher. Right now, you're teaching me how to be a little bitch.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Who was that?
Gloria: Dr. Dooda Dada. She thinks that she can flirt her son all the way to Washington, but I'm gonna take her down.
Claire: I would love to chat, but I got to get to A.P. Calc.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, well, you know what? We're really not supposed to, but you know what? Hey, guys, listen to this. My name's Cam. I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball. Okay, you guys are the Hatfields. You are the McCoys. Mr. Mandelbaum, I'd like you to stay seated. You're gonna be our referee. All right, everybody, let's dodgeball!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Dodgeball was a smash. Dr. Donna and Gloria were like two assassins just picking off their victims one by one.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Wait a minute. We like all the same things, but you don't think I'm cute?
Piper: I've got a thing for Latin men.
Zoe: I like 'em dumb.
Luke: Well, that's just offensive.
Manny: And shallow. Just because we're guys doesn't mean we don't have feelings.
Luke: Yeah. I don't feel good about this. It makes me feel... Bad.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Come on, Luke. Let's get out of here.
Piper: Our parents aren't home. If you want, we'll make out with you.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm not proud of what happened next.
Luke: I am.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: My boots!
Mitchell: This is a disaster! Save the seals!

Quote from Jay

Jay: You think you can get this thing to work?
Phil: Hey, you're supposed to be the lookout. What if somebody walks in?
Jay: Gee, they'll call my parents.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Listen, I'm gonna get back to class.
Jay: Before you go, let me ask you a question. How do you know how to do all this stuff?
Phil: Back in High School, I was in the A.V. club. We did all kinds of crazy things. One year, we hid a microphone in the gym. We could totally hear everything that was going on at prom.
Jay: I used to make fun of guys like you. This is pretty cool.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Best open house ever.
Phil: It's all gravy when you're in the A.V.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Dr. Clark: Can you give me an example?
Alex: Well, when I was little, I was in a spelling bee at school and I really wanted to win. I don't know why. There was no prize. No one cared. My parents didn't even know I was in it. I just felt this weight on my shoulders, like if I lost, I'd- I don't know. I just had to win.
Dr. Clark: And did you?
Alex: Yep. Know what the winning word was? Responsibility.
Dr. Clark: Is that what you feel? A responsibility to win all the time? To always be the best?
Alex: That's one way to put it.

Quote from Alex

Dr. Clark: And this responsibility, where does it come from?
Alex: I'm not sure. It's just there.
Dr. Clark: So it's an internal pressure.
Alex: Yeah. Kind of. I mean, once you start overachieving, people expect things from you.
Dr. Clark: Like what people?
Alex: You know, the world... Teachers, parents, other kids. It's not all internal. Don't get me wrong. I like the way I'm wired. It's what's going to get me into a good school. It's what makes me who I am.
Dr. Clark: And how is that, being who you are?
Alex: I don't know. Mostly good. A little exhausting. Sometimes hard. I guess there's your answer. It's hard being me.
Dr. Clark: Tell me a little more about your family.
Alex: They're pretty normal, I guess. I'm not like any of them, but that doesn't really bother me.
Dr. Clark: Ever?
Alex: Only when they say things like "Alex, you study too much" or "Don't freak out" or "Go do something fun."

Quote from Alex

Dr. Clark: So, your siblings, they don't experience the same pressures you do.
Alex: Oh, God, no. They don't care about school.
Dr. Clark: Hmm. Why do you think that is? I mean, you all grew up in the same house with the same parents, yet you're the only one who feels this enormous pressure to achieve at such a high level.
Alex: Why do we even have to talk about my family? They don't have anything to do with this. They don't get me.
Dr. Clark: How's that feel?
Alex: I don't know.
Dr. Clark: You're a smart girl. Try a little harder.
Alex: I said I don't know. [sighs] I feel... Kind of alone.

Quote from Claire

Mrs. Nuttle: I realize our juniors are busy with S.A.T.s, so as a rule, I only give two hours of homework a night.
Claire: Two hours?
Mrs. Nuttle: Our students are highly advanced. It's nothing they can't handle.
Claire: You know, I'm- I'm sure they can. It's just that if they have two hours in this class and they have an hour for A.P. Bio and an hour and a half for, um, advanced lit and- Hang on one second. Let me just do this on the board, 'cause then it's... Um, we got 2 and 1 and 1.5 and then another, uh, hour and a half for A.P. History gives us...
Nina: It's 6.
Claire: Yes! Nina, I was getting there. Thank you! Thank you so much! If I could just have a second to think without all the tippy-tappy typing. Six.

Quote from Claire

Alex: How was the open house?
Claire: Wow. So intense. I had no idea the kind of pressure you're under. Honey, I was just you for two hours.
I could barely hold it together. I don't know how you don't have a meltdown every day. [Alex hugs Claire] I- Oh, honey. Sweetie, what? Did I say something?
Alex: Yes. Thank you.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: No, no. I like to think that I'm greener than I am, but maybe I just want the credit without doing all the hard work that you do.
Asher: Well, you're right- It is hard, but, you know, it's also alienating. You know, no one wants to be friends with me. I-I can't tell you the last time I had people over for dinner, which is probably a good thing. You know, with solar power, it takes four days to roast a chicken.
Haley: Really?
Asher: If you want it cooked all the way through, yeah.You know I had salmonella three times?
Mitchell: If you want to come over to our house for dinner, we kind of owe you.
Lily: You can play with my dollhouse.
Asher: Yeah? Is it made from sustainable materials?
Lily: Forget it.


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