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39Quotes from ‘Undeck the Halls’

Modern Family: Undeck the Halls

110. Undeck the Halls

Aired December 9, 2009

Phil and Claire threaten to cancel Christmas when none of the kids will admit to burning a hole in the couch. Meanwhile, Jay is uncomfortable when Gloria and Manny want to include some of their Colombian holiday traditions in this year's festivities. Meanwhile, Mitchell is disappointed with a mall Santa and Cameron is upset to see his former caroling group.

Quote from Frank

Phil: [imitates static on video chat] Come in, Florida. Over. Mom? Dad?
Frank Dunphy: Hello, Philip.
All: Merry Christmas Eve!
Frank Dunphy: Merry Christmas Eve!
Phil: A little- Little lower, Dad.
Frank Dunphy: [deep voice] Merry Christmas Eve!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on video chat] Hey, Pops, here's the tree. And, uh, there-there's the, uh- there's the ornament you sent us.
Claire: Right here. Right here.
Phil: There are the stockings, hung by the chimney by Claire.
Frank Dunphy: Ah! Still funny, Son.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.
Gloria: Manny, miamor, I need you to help me in the kitchen.
Jay: We gotta finish this first, Gloria. The kid's never seen Miracle on 34th Street.
Gloria: That's because he always spends Christmas in Colombia with my family. And all we see there is Salazar and El Oso Save Christmas.
Jay: Sounds like a classic.

Quote from Manny

Jay: What the hell is that? What the hell is that? [Manny and Gloria laugh]
Manny: Inocente!
Jay: What the hell?
Manny: When you told me we were going to watch this movie, I got a joke copy from the Internet. You are the inocente!
Jay: Well, maybe I'm a little confused right now. What is this "inocente" stuff?
Gloria: In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition. The one that is fooled is the inocente!
Jay: We tell practical jokes on April Fool's Day, so do not do that again. [Gloria and Manny laugh] "Inocente." Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Three years ago, I formed a caroling group. We were known as The Greensleevers. We would perform at charity events, hospitals-
Mitchell: And they were very, very popular.
Cameron: Uh, last year, one of my carolers, Andrew, staged a little coup. And he, um... [walks out]
Mitchell: They kicked Cameron out of the group.

Quote from Cameron

Andrew: Thank you. We're the New Greensleevers.
Cameron: [to Mitchell] The New Greensleevers? Is there a slap mark on my face? I mean, why is Edna singing the low harmony? It's like people are applauding out of shock.

Quote from Phil

Claire: This is unacceptable, and I want to know who did this. Hmm?
Phil: Nobody, huh? I guess the couch did it to itself. Guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and then it burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
Claire: If whoever is responsible doesn't come forward, your father and I are just gonna have to punish all three of you.
Haley: What?
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: That's not fair!
Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
Claire: No.
Phil: Or the smoking. No one wants to confess, huh? No? That's fine, 'cause you know what happens next? We cancel Christmas!

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
Phil: [chuckles] One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of the goldfish bowl.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay. Tonight, 9:00 sharp, we open one present each. Pajamas, which we sleep in. Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m., Manny, on the stairs for the Christmas picture. Then we open presents.
Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up till morning.
Jay: I'm sure that they do, but as you'll notice from the absence of goats in the street, we are not in Colombia. Come on! I'm kidding.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: But that doesn't make sense.
Gloria: How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'II write songs about us, make one of those Christmas specials with those ugly little clay people.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Don't worry. We're going to have Christmas. We've raised our kids right. Whoever did it will come forward. Or the other two will rat 'em out.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: That seems a little high, doesn't it?
Cameron: Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that. It's like something astronauts train in.

Quote from Jay

Jay: These are your Christmas Eve gifts. You know the drill. You open those up before bedtime. They're pajamas.
Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Jay: Well, someone has to. I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.
Mitchell: You know that's Mexican, right?
Jay: Ah, burrito, "bur-right-o." Christmas should be Christmas. Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate, opening the presents. That was supposed to be the good thing about having a kid in the house again. I can have Christmas the way we used to.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I hear you, Jay. If I was home right now, I'd be mixin' up a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. You don't think I miss that?
Jay: Do you?
Cameron: The point is that those are memories that I'll always have, but now I have the perfect opportunity to create new memories with my new family that are gonna be just as special someday.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Ay, Manny! Did you put this spider in the fridge?
Manny: Oh, yeah. Inocente.
Gloria: Ay, papi, what's wrong?
Manny: I want to have Christmas like they do in Colombia. Jay is messing everything up.
Gloria: Manny, try to understand. Jay has great memories with his kids when they were young. And he just wants to recreate them with you.
Manny: So, maybe the best gift I could give Jay would be Christmas like he used to have it?
Gloria: Ay, you're such a beautiful boy! One day you're gonna grow up, and I'm gonna miss all the things that you used to do as a little boy.
Manny: Okay. But if this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, we're going to have a big problem.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Scott, merry Christmas to you. We wish you a merry Christmas and happy- Son of a bitch.
Scott: What?
Mitchell: Oh. It's the New Greensleevers. They're Cameron's old caroling group. They kicked him out this year.
Cameron: I mean, it is one thing to kick me out of the group, but to rub my nose in it! I'm turning on the sprinklers.
Scott: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know it feels good to get even. Believe me. [chuckles] To see the fear in a man's eyes is... But there's something that feels even better. Forgiveness.
Cameron: Scott, you don't understand. This- This group was my Dreamgirls. I was Effie.
Scott: You know what the best thing I did all day was? Forgiving you for getting me fired.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Andrew. Ensemble. Uh, I know it's no accident that you're here on my street tonight. And I- I just wanted to say to you all that you sound great. And merry Christmas.
Andrew: Wow. Even your apology is off-key.
Scott: Not cool, buddy. [drops Santa sack, decks Andrew] Well, I should, uh, probably scoot.
Cameron: But-But- But what about forgiveness?
Scott: You were nice. He was naughty.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's this?
Manny: Bunuelos.
Jay: Who? What?
Gloria: Cheese fritters. It's a Colombian traditional Christmas food.
Jay: Okay, new rule: From now on we do Colombian things when we're in Colombia. We do American things when we're in America. That means no more of your food, no more of your music and especially no more of your crazy holidays! [storms off] Inocente!
Gloria: Ay, Jay!
Jay: What? Did I say it wrong? You two are total inocentes! You should see the look on your faces. And by the way, you know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Eve?
Gloria: [laughs] Go, Manny. Thank you.

Quote from Haley

Phil: All righty. Here's another one for Luke. Looks like a book.
Luke: I have a book already.
Claire: What is that? Oh, my God. The couch is smoking. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Phil: Whoa. It's sunlight.
Haley: It's the ornament.
Luke: Cool. It's like a magnifying glass.
Haley: Hey, how weird is that? It's burning a hole in the exact same spot that Alex was smoking in.
Claire: Oh, Haley.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Do we really have to wear these ugly sweaters?
Claire: It's just until Grandma can see them.
Luke: My neck hole is too small.
Alex: Mine's itchy.
Luke: You know what? I'd rather be itchy than chokey.

Quote from Frank

Phil: [on video chat] Where's Mom?
Frank Dunphy: Mom is sinking fast.
Phil: Uh-oh.
Frank Dunphy: She's in the bathtub. Get it?
Phil: They have that claw-foot.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What is that? That looks like a cigarette burn. Was one of you smoking a cigarette? What?
Kids: No.
Claire: Which one of you was smoking?
Phil: Not me. I have a respiratory problem.
Claire: Obviously it wasn't you. Now I've got a family of liars and smokers.
Frank Dunphy: [on video chat] Honey, come here. You gotta see this.
Claire: Did you shoplift your Christmas presents too? Haley, keep that ugly sweater on.
Phil: Anyway, merry Christmas!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Are you kidding me with this line? I'm gonna ask Santa for the last 45 minutes of my life back.
Cameron: Oh, would you cheer up? We're in Santa's Village with our daughter. Where were we a year ago?
Mitchell: We were at the beginning of this line.
Cameron: You know what? Somebody needs to get in the holiday-
Carolers: God rest ye merry gentlemen-
Cameron: Son of a bitch.
Mitchell: Maybe it's not them.
Cameron: Oh, it's them.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What happened to the other Santa? Listen, we've been waiting in this line for a really long time, and we just want a Santa that actually looks like Santa.
Cameron: Mitchell, it's okay.
Mitchell: No, no, no. Cam, it's not okay. This is Lily's first Christmas. I want to make sure everything is perfect. And we're gonna wait for the fat Santa. All right?
Elf: I knew this would happen. I-I don't even know why we hired this guy.
Mitchell: See? Even his elves agree with me. Thank you.
Cameron: I didn't know Christmas made you so petty.
Carolers: We wish you a merry Christmas- We wish you a merry Christmas-
Cameron: [coughing] Lackluster!
Carolers: We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year Good tidings we bring
Cameron: I hate you!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Good-bye, Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley: I was getting a car?
Phil: Nope. I was lying, because that's what we do now. Dunphys are liars. [drags Christmas tree away]

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: When I was in charge, it was all about the music. I mean, what's with them tossing out candy canes after every carol? It's pandering.
Mitchell: I think you made that clear when you tossed them back.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: How am I supposed to get all this in the car?
Scott: Let me give you a hand with that.
Cameron: Uh, thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Santa.
Scott: You can't call me that anymore. Just got canned.
Mitchell: Oh- Really?
Scott: Guess a couple people complained I wasn't fat enough.
Cameron: Well, that's terrible.
Scott: That's what I get for trying not to have a second heart attack. There you go. Always a way to make room. Take it from someone who lives in his car.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Do you really live in your car?
Scott: Yeah. It's not so bad. It's pretty roomy since the wife moved out.
Cameron: Why don't you come over to our place for dinner tonight?
Scott: Seriously?
Cameron: Yeah. It's Christmas Eve. Y-You can't spend it in your car.
Scott: Wow, that's really nice of you guys. Listen, can I bring anything? Ketchup, soy sauce, straws?
Cameron: We're good.
Mitchell: So, uh, why don't you follow us to our house?
Scott: Okay.
Cameron: In your house.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Why can't we mix a couple of Colombian traditions in?
Jay: Like what?
Manny: Like fireworks.
Jay: Come on. You don't have fireworks in Colombia. You're trying to make me the inocente again.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Okay. Look, I have an idea. Do you remember the movie Spartacus? Here's what we do: Luke, you tell Mom and Dad it's your fault.
Luke: I didn't do it.
Alex: It doesn't matter. Because after you confess, Haley and I will each confess to the same thing.
Haley: How does that do anything?
Alex: They'll be so touched that we're protecting each other that they'll have to bring back Christmas.
Luke: That's awesome. How does it work again?

Quote from Phil

Luke: Say something!
Alex: About what?
Luke: Uh, I take it back!
Claire: What is going on?
Luke: These guys were gonna say they did it too, and you were gonna be proud of all of us.
Haley: Why would we do that?
Alex: I don't know what to believe with this kid.
Luke: Liars! I didn't do it!
Haley: Well, it wasn't me.
Alex: Don't look at me.
Claire: Seriously?
Phil: Wait. Nobody did it again? No, that's fine. Guess what? Christmas is still canceled. That's fine by me. Let's start working on next year. Hey, and memo to New Year's Eve and Easter- Watch your back!

Quote from Mitchell

Scott: So, after I left the marines, I just kinda traveled the world. Now I go from town to town picking up odd jobs.
Cameron: Oh. Kinda like the Hulk.
Scott: That's weird. That was my nickname in the corps- 'cause of my bad temper. Anyway, thanks for having me over, having me for dinner, letting me do my laundry. It's not been a good day.
Mitchell: Um, Scott, I-I have a confession to make.
Scott: Yeah? [Scott pulls out a knife and cuts a cable tie off the baby swing Mitchell is assembling]
Mitchell: Um, I didn't, uh- I didn't clean the lint tray, so, um, your clothes might be a little pilly.
Scott: Oh, no problem. That's the least of my worries.

Quote from Cameron

Scott: Thanks for everything. You guys made my day.
Cameron: It's the least we could do.
Scott: What do you mean?
Cameron: I don't know what I was saying.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: No. Cam's right, you know. We create new traditions every year.
Scott: [shirtless, his Santa pants hanging low] So, who's ready to try the swing?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey? Hmm? Would it really be so bad to back down?
Claire: And have the kids never take any of our threats seriously again?
Phil: Yeah. Mmm. Or the kids could realize that we're making a supreme sacrifice by giving up our power to save their Christmas.
Claire: Which would, in a way, be the greatest gift that we could ever give them.
Phil: And which would paradoxically make them respect us even more. [Claire groans] Okay, forget that. Go back one.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Alex, why'd you take the blame?
Alex: I didn't want to lose Christmas.
Phil: Hmm. That is so stinking beautiful.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Let's not all get worked up. I made a mistake! I made a mistake. And people make mistakes. And they make up for those mistakes-
Claire: Mm-hmm?
Phil: By taking their family... to... Italy!
Haley: Oh, my God! Can Dylan come?
Phil: Yeah! Yeah!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [v.o.] We talk a lot about tradition this time of year. But as much as we love our traditions, sometimes our best memories come from the times that are the most untraditional. We remember the year Mom and Dad went crazy. We remember the year Santa punched out the caroler. But for me, this was the year that the word "tradition" got a lot bigger.


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