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‘Undeck the Halls’ Quotes

Modern Family: Undeck the Halls

110. Undeck the Halls

Aired December 9, 2009

Phil and Claire threaten to cancel Christmas when none of the kids will admit to burning a hole in the couch. Meanwhile, Jay is uncomfortable when Gloria and Manny want to include some of their Colombian holiday traditions in this year's festivities. Meanwhile, Mitchell is disappointed with a mall Santa and Cameron is upset to see his former caroling group.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Andrew. Ensemble. Uh, I know it's no accident that you're here on my street tonight. And I- I just wanted to say to you all that you sound great. And merry Christmas.
Andrew: Wow. Even your apology is off-key.
Scott: Not cool, buddy. [drops Santa sack, decks Andrew] Well, I should, uh, probably scoot.
Cameron: But-But- But what about forgiveness?
Scott: You were nice. He was naughty.

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Quote from Frank

Phil: [imitates static on video chat] Come in, Florida. Over. Mom? Dad?
Frank Dunphy: Hello, Philip.
All: Merry Christmas Eve!
Frank Dunphy: Merry Christmas Eve!
Phil: A little- Little lower, Dad.
Frank Dunphy: [deep voice] Merry Christmas Eve!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on video chat] Hey, Pops, here's the tree. And, uh, there-there's the, uh- there's the ornament you sent us.
Claire: Right here. Right here.
Phil: There are the stockings, hung by the chimney by Claire.
Frank Dunphy: Ah! Still funny, Son.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.
Gloria: Manny, miamor, I need you to help me in the kitchen.
Jay: We gotta finish this first, Gloria. The kid's never seen Miracle on 34th Street.
Gloria: That's because he always spends Christmas in Colombia with my family. And all we see there is Salazar and El Oso Save Christmas.
Jay: Sounds like a classic.

Quote from Manny

Jay: What the hell is that? What the hell is that? [Manny and Gloria laugh]
Manny: Inocente!
Jay: What the hell?
Manny: When you told me we were going to watch this movie, I got a joke copy from the Internet. You are the inocente!
Jay: Well, maybe I'm a little confused right now. What is this "inocente" stuff?
Gloria: In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition. The one that is fooled is the inocente!
Jay: We tell practical jokes on April Fool's Day, so do not do that again. [Gloria and Manny laugh] "Inocente." Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Three years ago, I formed a caroling group. We were known as The Greensleevers. We would perform at charity events, hospitals-
Mitchell: And they were very, very popular.
Cameron: Uh, last year, one of my carolers, Andrew, staged a little coup. And he, um... [walks out]
Mitchell: They kicked Cameron out of the group.

Quote from Cameron

Andrew: Thank you. We're the New Greensleevers.
Cameron: [to Mitchell] The New Greensleevers? Is there a slap mark on my face? I mean, why is Edna singing the low harmony? It's like people are applauding out of shock.

Quote from Phil

Claire: This is unacceptable, and I want to know who did this. Hmm?
Phil: Nobody, huh? I guess the couch did it to itself. Guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and then it burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
Claire: If whoever is responsible doesn't come forward, your father and I are just gonna have to punish all three of you.
Haley: What?
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: That's not fair!
Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
Claire: No.
Phil: Or the smoking. No one wants to confess, huh? No? That's fine, 'cause you know what happens next? We cancel Christmas!

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
Phil: [chuckles] One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of the goldfish bowl.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay. Tonight, 9:00 sharp, we open one present each. Pajamas, which we sleep in. Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m., Manny, on the stairs for the Christmas picture. Then we open presents.
Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up till morning.
Jay: I'm sure that they do, but as you'll notice from the absence of goats in the street, we are not in Colombia. Come on! I'm kidding.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: But that doesn't make sense.
Gloria: How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'II write songs about us, make one of those Christmas specials with those ugly little clay people.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Don't worry. We're going to have Christmas. We've raised our kids right. Whoever did it will come forward. Or the other two will rat 'em out.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: That seems a little high, doesn't it?
Cameron: Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that. It's like something astronauts train in.

Quote from Jay

Jay: These are your Christmas Eve gifts. You know the drill. You open those up before bedtime. They're pajamas.
Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Jay: Well, someone has to. I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.
Mitchell: You know that's Mexican, right?
Jay: Ah, burrito, "bur-right-o." Christmas should be Christmas. Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate, opening the presents. That was supposed to be the good thing about having a kid in the house again. I can have Christmas the way we used to.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I hear you, Jay. If I was home right now, I'd be mixin' up a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. You don't think I miss that?
Jay: Do you?
Cameron: The point is that those are memories that I'll always have, but now I have the perfect opportunity to create new memories with my new family that are gonna be just as special someday.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Ay, Manny! Did you put this spider in the fridge?
Manny: Oh, yeah. Inocente.
Gloria: Ay, papi, what's wrong?
Manny: I want to have Christmas like they do in Colombia. Jay is messing everything up.
Gloria: Manny, try to understand. Jay has great memories with his kids when they were young. And he just wants to recreate them with you.
Manny: So, maybe the best gift I could give Jay would be Christmas like he used to have it?
Gloria: Ay, you're such a beautiful boy! One day you're gonna grow up, and I'm gonna miss all the things that you used to do as a little boy.
Manny: Okay. But if this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, we're going to have a big problem.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Scott, merry Christmas to you. We wish you a merry Christmas and happy- Son of a bitch.
Scott: What?
Mitchell: Oh. It's the New Greensleevers. They're Cameron's old caroling group. They kicked him out this year.
Cameron: I mean, it is one thing to kick me out of the group, but to rub my nose in it! I'm turning on the sprinklers.
Scott: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know it feels good to get even. Believe me. [chuckles] To see the fear in a man's eyes is... But there's something that feels even better. Forgiveness.
Cameron: Scott, you don't understand. This- This group was my Dreamgirls. I was Effie.
Scott: You know what the best thing I did all day was? Forgiving you for getting me fired.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's this?
Manny: Bunuelos.
Jay: Who? What?
Gloria: Cheese fritters. It's a Colombian traditional Christmas food.
Jay: Okay, new rule: From now on we do Colombian things when we're in Colombia. We do American things when we're in America. That means no more of your food, no more of your music and especially no more of your crazy holidays! [storms off] Inocente!
Gloria: Ay, Jay!
Jay: What? Did I say it wrong? You two are total inocentes! You should see the look on your faces. And by the way, you know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Eve?
Gloria: [laughs] Go, Manny. Thank you.

Quote from Haley

Phil: All righty. Here's another one for Luke. Looks like a book.
Luke: I have a book already.
Claire: What is that? Oh, my God. The couch is smoking. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Phil: Whoa. It's sunlight.
Haley: It's the ornament.
Luke: Cool. It's like a magnifying glass.
Haley: Hey, how weird is that? It's burning a hole in the exact same spot that Alex was smoking in.
Claire: Oh, Haley.


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