Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.
Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.
Frank: Hey, Father, let me ask you somethin'. Would you know who invented the lawn?
Marie: Oh! Would you stop?! No one "invented" it, it's grass!
Frank: Oh, yeah? So cavemen had lawns?
Marie: Yes, they were called "fields," you baboon!
Frank: You wanna know where all the tension in the family comes from? I'm chained to it. Here she is. And if you're lookin' to find out why she's like this, I'm givin' it to you, for once and for all. You ready? There! Right there! [points to Debra and Ray] She married him! And this one still can't deal with it!
Marie: How dare you?
David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.
Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.
Johnny: You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.
Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?
David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
Johnny: That's a write off?
Johnny: Do you even know what a write off is?!
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh, and who pays for it?
David: Nobody, you write it off.
Johnny: Who writes it off?!
David: I don't know, the govern- The "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?
Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- This isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim: Was that not the-
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.
Sue: Okay, wait, I knew that Lexie liked Axl, but I didn't know...
Lexie: I'm so sorry. I was going to tell you, but Axl wanted to keep it a secret for just a little bit.
Sue: So... my best friend and my brother... are dating. [crying] I'm not upset. I promise. I'm not upset. I'm happy. But I also want to throw up a little bit. But, you know, a happy throw-up. Like, a good throw-up.
Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.
Blanche: I want to talk to you, Dorothy. Listen, I know this isn't easy for you, so I'm gonna let you in on a sorority secret that was passed on to me at Miss MacGyver's Finishing School. Now, whenever you feel you're about to lose control, just take my hand and give it a little squeeze. I guarantee you'll feel 100% better.
Dorothy: And that's the big secret?
Blanche: Oh, no! The big secret was that Miss MacGyver and Miss McKinney were sharing a one-bedroom apartment off campus.
Dorothy: Oh, will you..!
Kramer: These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. It's like they're rolling a double corona. Just a cigar made outta Bisquik, huh, Guillermo?
Ross: It is time for you to give your maid-of-honor speech.
Rachel: Oh, wait a minute. We haven't even prepared-
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as- Okay, no. Forget that! That sucks! Okay, never mind. Forget it. I met- I met Monica when we were just a couple of 6-year-olds, and became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a 6-year-old. Thank you. Thank you very much. I've known them separately and together. And to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron. Thanks for coming, man.
Ron Swanson: Of course. This bowling alley has my favorite restaurant in Pawnee.
[cut away to Ron looking contended in front of a restaurant menu which lists only Hot Dogs and Hamburgers for $1 and $1.35]
Ann: Really? You're not scared to eat here?
Ron Swanson: When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
Mr. Pitt: [answers phone] Hello?
Jerry: Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?
Mr. Pitt: It's for you.
Elaine: Sorry. Hello?
Jerry: Hey Elaine, it's me.
Jerry: We're going to Atlantic City.
Elaine: Really? When?
Jerry: Today, right now! Are you in?
Elaine: One second. One second, hang on. [to Mr. Pitt] Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would it be all right if I got you the socks tomorrow?
Mr. Pitt: Tomorrow?
Mr. Pitt: But I was hoping for my new socks today!
Elaine: Well, it's just one more day.
Mr. Pitt: I'm sorry. I must have them today. [looks downbeat]
Elaine: [on the phone to Jerry] I can't go.
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.
Mr. Pitt: Elaine!
Elaine: I gotta go.
Moira: It's startlingly quiet in here, David. Is that a good sign?
David: I thought you were booked up all day, and that's why you couldn't help Dad with the dead b- That thing in the motel.
Moira: I am booked up, David. You should see my schedule. I'm positively bedevilled with meetings, etc.
[After Robert vomits in the trash can by Jim's desk]
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Colombian whites. What- What is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.
[aside to camera:]
Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas, as they say. I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.
Claire: Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil: I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire: Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil: Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire: Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because she's always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh, no. She can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire: Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil: I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire: Yeah. So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going to do to you?
Claire: Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.
Ron Swanson: Do you fish, April?
April: No. Fish are gross.
Ron Swanson: Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.
April: I said I don't...
Ron Swanson: When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut him loose, especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.
April: You don't know what you're talking about.
Ron Swanson: Maybe not. Maybe you really do hate Andy. Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him is a really good idea. What do I know?
David: So, someone's been busy.
Patrick: Oh yeah, yeah, I've been up since 5. Could not sleep, been thinking about... Stuff, you know, last night.
Patrick: What? No, why would I have regrets?
David: I don't know, I think it's just a habit to ask.