Trending Quotes

Quote from Nick Miller in New Girl episode First Date

Jess: You know, um... If this were a date...
Nick: Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess...
Jess: But, I mean, if it were...
Nick: It wasn't a... And it's probably good because your ex-boyfriend just walked into the restaurant.
Jess: Who?
Nick: The only man we both loved.
Jess: Russell.

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Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode The Job

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Quote from Phoebe Buffay in Friends episode The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey

Phoebe: I brought you some housewarming gifts. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Bread, so you never go hungry. And a scented candle for the bathroom. Because, well, you know.

Quote from Andy Bernard in The Office episode Traveling Salesmen / The Return

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Quote from Joey Tribbiani in Friends episode The One with the Videotape

Ross: You were in Western Europe, and?
Joey: I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path, and I came to a clearing and there was a lake. Very secluded. There were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself. But she was crying.
Ross: Why?

Quote from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother episode Twelve Horny Women

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Launch Party

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Quote from David Rose in Schitt's Creek episode Honeymoon

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a merlot, that used to be a chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?

Quote from Schmidt in New Girl episode LAXMas

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

Quote from Rachel Green in Friends episode The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding (Part 2)

Rachel: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes and that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again...
Monica: The days and nights are hard, I get it. Look, Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to start getting ready. I'm getting married today.
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode The Delivery

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Joey Tribbiani in Friends episode The One with Frank, Jr.

Joey: You know what? Bet you I could fit in there.
Chandler: I got five bucks says you can't.
Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister.
Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash.
Joey: [from inside the cabinet] You are dog, man. I totally fit.
Chandler: Yeah. You got me. I'm out five big ones. [Chandler puts a plank of wood through the handles, then slides Joey five bucks] There you go.
Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching. Oh, well, hello, Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time, buddy. And the drinks are on me.

Quote from Darryl Philbin in The Office episode Sex Ed

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Quote from Rachel Green in Friends episode The One with the Nap Partners

Ross: It is time for you to give your maid-of-honor speech.
Rachel: Oh, wait a minute. We haven't even prepared-
Ross: Go.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as- Okay, no. Forget that! That sucks! Okay, never mind. Forget it. I met- I met Monica when we were just a couple of 6-year-olds, and became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a 6-year-old. Thank you. Thank you very much. I've known them separately and together. And to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.

Quote from Rachel Green in Friends episode The One with the Cuffs

Rachel: I will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
Chandler: No.
Rachel: I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning.
Chandler: With extra pulp?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: No!
Rachel: I've got it!
Chandler: You don't have it.
Rachel: I have so got it. There's going to be rumors about this. No way to stop it. Sophie knows. Monica and Phoebe know.
Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Rachel: I called them. And when they ask me what I saw ... I can be very generous ... or very stingy.
Chandler: Go on.
Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
Chandler: And Milton Berle has-
Rachel: Oh. Not compared to you.

Quote from Alex Dunphy in Modern Family episode Queer Eyes, Full Hearts

Alex: Claire? The words on the page are vibrating, and I can't make them stop. I forgot how to read!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode Body Language

Kelly: For hobbies, um, yoga, belly dancing, snake charming. Beds of nails. I like lying on them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is Hidetoshi Hasagawa. He would like to apply for the Sabre minority executive training program "print in all colors" initiative.
Kelly: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour.
Kelly: God, I hate you so much!
Dwight K. Schrute: Caucasians, am I right?

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Mafia

Waitress: Have you decided?
Mr. Grotti: I'll have the linguine, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay, sir. And for you, sir?
Michael Scott: I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress: The what?
Michael Scott: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't- I don't really know what that is.
Andy: You know, gabba-gool.
Michael Scott: I don't have to have that.
Dwight K. Schrute: What he's trying to say is gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.
Michael Scott: That's okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Waitress: Okay.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I will send it back.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Night Out

Ryan: Bottle service ya'll?
Michael Scott: Okay. All I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.
Waitress: We don't serve food here.
Michael Scott: Okay. Then just bring me two cups, one with olives, and another one filled with maraschino cherries.

Quote from Moira Rose in Schitt's Creek episode Rebound

[Schitt's Creek tourism video, on the street in front of Bob's Garage:]
Moira: Oh, hello, you. I'm film and television's Moira Rose. Won't you join me for a little stroll through the slice of paradise I like to call... the town where I currently am.
[in the cafe:]
Moira: Did someone say fine dining? The Café Tropical has certainly been described as "fine." Oh, hello, Twyla. I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.
Twyla: We don't have that.
Moira: You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!
[in Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: And when it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of the downtown core, you'll find all the peace and solitude your body craves here at our local apothecary. No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations.
Patrick: It's-it's not usually this quiet.
Moira: Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.
David: Can you stop saying that?
[outside the Rosebud Motel:]
Moira: And finally, when it's time to lay down your weary head, you'll find comfort and safety at the partially renovated Rosebud Motel. And don't forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr. Johnathon Rose.
Johnny: Thank you for having us.
Moira: John, no.
[outside Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: So why wait? Book your vacation now to this humble little oasis. If heaven had a creek, it would be this one.
[title: the end]