Trending Quotes

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Goodbye, Toby

Michael Scott: All right. Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. You know what? Let's also give a shout out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh? Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? But the real reason that we are here is to say good-bye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.
Pam: Song parody writer.
Michael Scott: I have done things like "Beers in Heaven".
Jim: Classic.
Michael Scott: Or "Total Eclipse of The Fart."
Jim: Not my favorite, but-
Pam: I like that one.
Michael Scott: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. Do you know, um, Goodbye Stranger, Supertramp?


Quote from Schmidt in New Girl episode Bob & Carol & Nick & Schmidt

Schmidt: What do you mean, you're gonna have your own kid?
Nick: When I have my own kid. Don't make a big deal of it. I just... I don't... I don't hate your plan. I kind of like it. Things have been going pretty good for me lately, and I-I would like to meet my own Maria. With-a the meatballs.
Schmidt: With-a the red sauce.
Nick: [laughs] With-a the red sauce. I want to see that plan you got for me.
Schmidt: Well, come on, man. It's a rough draft, but you should check it out.
Nick: What do we got here, chief? "Nick has a boy. He calls him Gio." We die on the same day in 2098?
Schmidt: You murder me and then kill yourself.
Nick: There's not a chance I make it to 2098. Not a chance. I don't want to see the 2050s.
Schmidt: Oddly enough, you won't. See? I freeze you from 2050 to 2064.
Nick: That's why you're the genius. That's why you're the genius.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Launch Party

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Quote from Janitor in Scrubs episode My First Day

Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Quote from Blanche Devereaux in The Golden Girls episode Hey, Look Me Over

Rose: Wait a minute. If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says "Bed" on the cover?
Blanche: [laughs] Oh, that doesn't say "Bed".
Rose: Right there, it does.
Blanche: Oh, silly, those are my initials. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell "Bed"?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode The Deposition

Dwight K. Schrute: All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Quote from Jay Pritchett in Modern Family episode Spuds

Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Quote from Christopher Turk in Scrubs episode My Advice to You

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

Quote from Phoebe Buffay in Friends episode The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

Rachel: Well, now that everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw. What?
Rachel: No. No, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today. She told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It's a good toast.
Rachel: Look, will you please get her attention?
Ross: Oh. Mommy? Mother. [mouths] Sock.
Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake. Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!

Quote from Joey Tribbiani in Friends episode The One After Vegas

Joey: Where is the waitress? I'm starving.
Chandler: It's a buffet, man.
Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back!

Quote from Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle episode Hal's Dentist

Malcolm: Hey, what's all the noise? You know the rule. The only sound allowed in this room is snoring.
Dewey: I've been waiting ten years to see Conrad Horner perform, and I overslept and completely missed it.
Malcolm: So? He'll come back in a few years.
Dewey: He's 98. I got there in time to get a program off the floor and see his ambulance drive away.

Quote from Kelly Kapoor in The Office episode Lotto

Kelly: I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year. I mean, obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean, I'm getting paid a dollar a year, okay? You can chill.

Quote from Reverend TimTom in The Middle episode Mommapalooza

Reverend TimTom: Hey, you know, uh, before you do that, would you all mind giving a listen to my new song? I'd love to get some feedback on it.
Mike: Sure.
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] Moms are people, too She had hopes and dreams before she had you Like maybe The Virgin Mary wanted to play soccer Or travel the world on a whim But when Jesus came along, it all became about him And all the angels sang, "Moms are people, too" And how often do we say thank you? She could've been a shepherd or a fisherman Or maybe starred in a Broadway show But her family came first and she let it all go To drive you to school through the rain, sleet, and snow And use her own sleeve to wipe your runny nose

Quote from Jerry Seinfeld in Seinfeld episode The Postponement

George: Well, I told it to Susan before, and she didn't like it.
Jerry: Hmm.
George: Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?"
Jerry: See, now, that I don't care for.
George: Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?
Jerry: It should resolve of its own volition.
George: That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum".
Jerry: "Momentum", same thing.

Quote from Tim Taylor in Home Improvement episode Bye Bye Birdie

Jill: What are you doing to Mark's toy helicopter?
Tim: Mark, what have we added?
Mark: More power.
Tim: [grunts] Now it's a heat-seekin', beak-tweakin', shark-faced pecker wrecker. [grunts]
Jill: What about the wooden owl you put up there to scare it away? [Mark turns the badly-pecked owl around] That little woodpecker did that?
Tim: That little woodpecker, as you call it, has a pretty bad attitude.

Quote from Jay Pritchett in Modern Family episode Express Yourself

Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said corned beef. There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!

Quote from Jim Halpert in The Office episode Viewing Party

Jim: Some events are so news worthy, so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch. Balloon Boy, Michael Jackson's funeral. Things that if you didn't see them live, you wouldn't really care that you didn't see them at all.

Quote from Brick Heck in The Middle episode Sleepless in Orson

Brick: Actually, I was asleep in bed, and then I woke up and started to worry about the Asian stock market. It opens early, you know.
Frankie: Of course.
Brick: Well, I started to feel a little anxious, so, taking Dr. Fulton's advice, I came out here to do some jumping jacks, and while I got the jumping part right, when it came to the jacks, my coordination was a little off, and I bumped into the fireplace, and Mom's royal baby goblet fell and broke.
Frankie: Brick.
Mike: That's okay.
Brick: I wanted to fix it, so I Googled "Gluing a broken goblet," and it took me to this interesting web page about Buddhism. It said a person should imagine the things they love broken and destroyed because in the future, everything ends up that way anyway.
Frankie: Okay.
Brick: So, I imagined the house burned down and you and Sue and Axl all dead and all my books gone and I had no one left in the world, and it started to make me feel better.
Frankie: It did?
Brick: Yeah. Suddenly, things made sense. It's like this Buddhist guy says. "You see this goblet? For me, it is already broken. I enjoy it. I drink out of it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over and it shatters, I say, 'Of course.' When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious." So I've decided, from now on, I want to spend every moment I can with the things I cherish most. [Frankie holds her arms out for a hug] So, I'll be in my room with my books. Try not to bother me.

Quote from Tim Taylor in Home Improvement episode Maybe, Baby

Jill: So you're just shutting the door... on the whole idea of having a baby?
Tim: I'm shutting the door.
Jill: That's your last word?
Tim: I've shut the door, put a chest in front of it, and there's a fat guy sitting on it.
Jill: What?
Tim: And he's holding Al's mom in his lap.

Quote from Nick Miller in New Girl episode Models

Nick: Uh, Schmidt, I got you something, man. Uh, they didn't have a Jewish star at the store, so I got you a regular cookie and I made the star myself by breaking off the pieces. It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage.
Schmidt: What is this?
Nick: A Jewish star... I just said that.
Winston: Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...
Schmidt: This... Is so terrible!
Nick: You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! Gave me cookie, got you cookie! We're even! We're even, Schmidt! I mean, what do you want from me? What do you want, Schmidt? I've been racking my brain all day. I walked around the grocery store, man, for 45 minutes. I didn't know what to get you. And then I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen like we used to eat, but you probably eat, like, fancy ramen now with, like, figs in it. I don't know, man. You love me too much, Schmidt, and you picked the wrong guy. And when are you gonna get that through that giant head of yours? I'm just gonna let you down, man.