Trending Quotes

Quote from Stevie Budd in Schitt's Creek episode The Candidate

Alexis: Is it hard for you?
Stevie: Uh, is what hard for me?
Alexis: Like, being by yourself here? Like, you're just totally okay to sit here all day by yourself?
Stevie: That's why I took the job.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm. Okay. And while you're here, by yourself, you never get this almost uncontrollable urge to talk to people, or be complimented, or..?
Stevie: I know everyone in this town, so for the most part, I would rather be here by myself than engage in meaningless conversation with people I don't care about.
Alexis: Totally. Mm-hmm. And why is that?
Stevie: Because I enjoy my own company more.
Alexis: Of course. Of course.

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Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode The Job

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Quote from Ryan Howard in The Office episode Michael's Last Dundies

Michael Scott: FYI, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Kevin: Nice.
Phyllis: I love their bread sticks.
Pam: Oh, their bread sticks are like crack.
Ryan: I love when people say "like crack" when they've obviously never done crack.
Pam: Well, the bread sticks are like what then, Ryan? What can I use?
Ryan: I don't know. Something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
Pam: You're right, you're right. No, I'm a middle class fraud.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Launch Party

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Quote from Robert California in The Office episode Get the Girl

Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- This isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim: Was that not the-
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim: Mmm-hm.
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode The Delivery

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Phyllis' Wedding

Michael Scott: Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride, "Marriage!"

Quote from Schmidt in New Girl episode LAXMas

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

Quote from Phoebe Buffay in Friends episode The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey

Phoebe: I brought you some housewarming gifts. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Bread, so you never go hungry. And a scented candle for the bathroom. Because, well, you know.

Quote from Rachel Green in Friends episode The One with the Nap Partners

Ross: It is time for you to give your maid-of-honor speech.
Rachel: Oh, wait a minute. We haven't even prepared-
Ross: Go.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as- Okay, no. Forget that! That sucks! Okay, never mind. Forget it. I met- I met Monica when we were just a couple of 6-year-olds, and became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a 6-year-old. Thank you. Thank you very much. I've known them separately and together. And to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.

Quote from Alexis Rose in Schitt's Creek episode Pregnancy Test

Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.

Quote from Mr. Feeny in Boy Meets World episode Danger Boy

Mr. Feeny: If you let people's perception of you dictate your behavior, you will never grow as a person. But if you leave yourself open to experience, despite what others think, then you will learn and grow. And when you grow and mature, then you can rub their smug little earring-wearing noses in it.

Quote from Dorothy Zbornak in The Golden Girls episode Stand by Your Man

Dorothy: Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma? I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?
Sophia: Not the pony thing again.
Dorothy: She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus. The kind you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.
Rose: And that was your pet?
Sophia: They're very clean.
Dorothy: Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie? So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.
Rose: How does a paper bird die?
Dorothy: Good question. Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode The Fire

Michael Scott: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. Yeah?
Ryan: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Adapt. React. Readapt. Apt. All right? That's rule number two.

Quote from Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld episode The Doodle

Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah? So, what's it about?
Kramer: Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer: That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine: Oh, boy.
Kramer: You see, Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy, you might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine: Oh, my God.

Quote from Moira Rose in Schitt's Creek episode Moira's Nudes

Johnny: You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.

Quote from Nick Miller in New Girl episode No Girl

Nick: Ugh. I just got a text from him. "Nick the Dick"-- hate that-- "it's Hot Daddy T"-- hate that-- "in La-La Land."-- hate that-- "Excited to talk "bachelor party with you. Vegas... question..." He spelled "Vegas" with two S's.
Winston: He spelled it with two? That's ass. That's Veg-ass. You see what he did? You see what he did?
Nick: It's so like Ploons to assume he's coming to the bachelors party.
Schmidt: He said Vegas?
Nick: You can't invite him, Schmidt.
Schmidt: On the other hand, you know, a bachelor party does cost a lot of money.
Nick: I'm your best man. I got this bachelors party under control, buddy.
Schmidt: First of all, you're saying "bachelors party," which is wrong.

Quote from Michelle Mallon in Derry Girls episode The Concert

James: What's in the suitcase, Michelle?
Michelle: Vodka.
Erin: You've brought an entire suitcase full of vodka?
Michelle: No. There's some mixers as well. I'm not a savage. You can mix vodka with cider, right?

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode The Convention

Michael Scott: Did you see Oprah yesterday?
Pam: No, I didn't.
Michael Scott: I- I'm going to be a father.
Pam: What was Oprah about?
Michael Scott: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life, and that really inspired me. So I want you to look into see how much a little Chinese baby would cost.
Pam: That's a really big decision.
Michael Scott: I know.
Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt.
Michael Scott: Well-
Pam: Or not adopt.
Michael Scott: Just do it, okay?
Pam: Roy's sister looked into it and the application alone costs $1,000.
Michael Scott: Well, find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?
Pam: You know, she also said the waiting list is, like, eight months.
Michael Scott: Eight months?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I don't even know if I want a baby in eight months.
Pam: Probably won't.
Michael Scott: You know what, Pam? If in 10 years, I haven't had a baby and you haven't had a baby-
Pam: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Twenty years.
Pam: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thirty.
Pam: Sure. It's a deal.

Quote from Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld episode The Deal

Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?
Kramer: Yeah. Open it.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!
Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?
Jerry: Great.
Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.
Jerry: Well, goody for you.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open.
Kramer: So what'd you get her?
Jerry: 182 bucks.
Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.
Elaine: "Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend."
Kramer: Yeats.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. [hugs Kramer]