Trending Quotes
Quote from Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle episode Halloween
Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Hal: Really?
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]
Quote from Ben Wyatt in Parks and Recreation episode Soda Tax
Ben: Hey, everybody. So, I've been going over your reports. Let's try to be consistent with our fonts, guys, okay? There's a crazy amount of random font differences in these memos.
April: Yeah, people. Consistent font usage. Come on.
Ben: Times New Roman, across the board. No Geneva, no Garamond, definitely no Papyrus.
April: Papyrus? Are you kidding me? There's no place for that in a professional office setting.
Ben: Yes! Thank you, April.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: These college interns really need to be whipped into shape, but don't worry, because they call me Devo, 'cause I can "whip 'em good."
[back:]
Ben: And obviously make sure the content's perfect too. Oh, and, uh, 12 point. 13's just obnoxious. Great meeting.
Quote from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother episode Twelve Horny Women
Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.
Quote from Phil Dunphy in Modern Family episode A Fair to Remember
Haley: [loudly] I sure hope Mom and dad are surprised by this anniversary breakfast we're bringing them!
Luke: I hate to walk in if they are naked.
Alex: Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone if she tries to sleep even years later.
Claire: Oh, relax. I think you're safe.
Phil: [clipping his toenails] Or are they?
Quote from Sue Sue Heck in The Middle episode Clear and Present Danger
[on Sue's birthday video for Mike:]
Dave: If Mike were a flavor of ice cream, he'd be... vanilla.
Nancy: Vanilla.
Frankie: Vanilla, clearly.
Brick: Vanilla.
Barber: Vanilla.
Axl: Show me vanilla!
Quote from Winston Bishop in New Girl episode The Story of the 50
Benjamin: Schmidt, this party... is the worst.
Winston: Come on, man. This party is badass, all right? Don't act like I didn't see you over there eating on the charcut... the charcut... the charcut?
Schmidt: Charcuterie.
Jess: Charcuterie.
Winston: Charcuterie. Don't act like I didn't see you eating the charcut...
Schmidt: Charcuterie.
Winston: Charcuterie...
Quote from Jay Pritchett in Modern Family episode Spuds
Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."
Quote from Jay Pritchett in Modern Family episode Frank's Wedding
Jay: [aside to camera] I'm turning 70 next year. I know, I look great. One of the few perks of getting up there is the ability to say no without guilt. "Can I have a ride to the airport?" No. Do I want to see your niece's recital? Nuh-unh. "Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global..." I'm gonna stop you right there.
Quote from Moira Rose in Schitt's Creek episode The Drip
Moira: I shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose.
Quote from Ryan Howard in The Office episode Did I Stutter?
Ryan: Listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance.
Jim: A formal warning?
Ryan: It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here. I know how little you care about your job. And honestly, if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Jim: I'm sorry, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head.
Ryan: This is nothing to do with that, all right? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it.
Jim: I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining it a little better? 'Cause I'm not sure-
Ryan: Whoa. Don't get all defensive, okay? It's just a warning. If you want details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, all right?
Quote from Dr. Frasier Crane in Frasier episode Oops
Frasier: Well, someone is being let go.
Father Mike: Oh?
Frasier: But, uh, it's not you. It's Bulldog.
Father Mike: Bulldog? Oh, what a shame.
Frasier: Yes.
Father Mike: Has anybody spoken for his parking space?
Frasier: Well, I have, yes.
Quote from Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Love Hurts
Will: Uh, excuse me, Dark Gable. In case you didn't notice, this is my date.
Lisa: I told him.
Man: Say, baby why don't you ditch the go-cart and step up to a stretch limo?
Will: Excuse me, Messy Snipes? Listen, why don't you just take your limo and ease on up out my face, all right?
Quote from Coach in New Girl episode Coach
Nick: No, stop, no, no. Relationships are not prisons, and Jess is amazing. She's sexy and sweet, and I can't lose her. So I'm going home to see her. [Coach sobs] Why are you crying? We can see each other tomorrow.
Coach: I didn't break up with Malia, all right? She broke up with me.
Winston: Why didn't you say anything, man?
Coach: 'Cause I was embarrassed, Winston. I lost her. I was just trying to fill a void with all these naked chicks. I don't want to be here. I want to be in love.
Nick: Oh, Coach, this is so pathetic.
Coach: Now she's dating some dude named Derrique. Or Derek.
Nick: Coach, you need to go home, and I need to go home, too.
Coach: You're right, man. You have to fight for your relationships.
Schmidt: Freaking Derrique.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode Pam's Replacement
Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
Pam: What about before? Was I attractive before?
Dwight K. Schrute: Eh. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
Pam: Hmm. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.
Dwight K. Schrute: You think Jim's lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying.
Pam: Five bucks if you can get him to admit it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman.
Pam: Yep, that's the Dwight I need.