Trending Quotes

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode The Job

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

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Quote from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother episode Twelve Horny Women

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Quote from Ben Wyatt in Parks and Recreation episode One in 8,000

Ben: Guys, come on, now. This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Just think about all their great songs, covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in Southern California.
Herman Lerpiss: I'll bid 30 bucks.
Ben: Okay. This is easily worth $500. Come on. Please, anyone. We're just trying to raise some money for this concert, so no one gets stressed out.
Herman Lerpiss: Fine. 50 and another win for Old Herman.
Ben: Why would you erase the signatures?
Herman Lerpiss: I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy.
Ben: Okay, give it back.
Herman Lerpiss: If you want it so bad, bid on it.
Ben: I don't like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It's not even the original lineup.

Quote from Claire Dunphy in Modern Family episode Hawaii

Claire: You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.
Phil: Okay.
Claire: Mmm. That was a little fast.
Phil: Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.
Claire: Okay. Any idea of who you would remarry?
Phil: Vicky Conroy probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.
Alex: Are you guys talking about Vicky?
Phil: Yeah.
Alex: Mom, she's awesome.
Phil: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I-
Claire: Something's gonna happen to you, all right.

Quote from Mr. Feeny in Boy Meets World episode Danger Boy

Mr. Feeny: If you let people's perception of you dictate your behavior, you will never grow as a person. But if you leave yourself open to experience, despite what others think, then you will learn and grow. And when you grow and mature, then you can rub their smug little earring-wearing noses in it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Office episode The Delivery

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Winston Bishop in New Girl episode Clean Break

Winston: [on the phone] Hey, yo, Ceec, what up, fam? It's your girl Winston, aka Winnie the Bish, aka-ak-aka Brown Lightning. Schmidt dropped Fawn like a bad habit, okay, so ain't nobody riding shotgun. So you better get on while the getting is good. You got it? [ends call, tosses Jess's phone]
Jess: I hate that you're so good at this.
Winston: I was so nervous.

Quote from Schmidt in New Girl episode LAXMas

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Launch Party

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Quote from Robert California in The Office episode Get the Girl

Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- This isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim: Was that not the-
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim: Mmm-hm.
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.

Quote from Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode The Philadelphia Story

Will: Here it is, y'all, best hoagie spot in the whole city. They got the kind of food here that sticks to your ribs. And your feet.
Hilary: What do you have to tip the maitre d' to get a good stool?
Duke: Unless you're here to stick up the joint, sit down and eat.
Carlton: Take a tip, buddy, you won't get anywhere in the service industry treating customers like that.
Duke: Hey, why don't you take your Bing Crosby butt over to the golden arches and lie down in front of a drive-through window.
Will: [laughs] Ain't he great?

Quote from Rachel Green in Friends episode The One with the Cuffs

Rachel: I will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
Chandler: No.
Rachel: I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning.
Chandler: With extra pulp?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: No!
Rachel: I've got it!
Chandler: You don't have it.
Rachel: I have so got it. There's going to be rumors about this. No way to stop it. Sophie knows. Monica and Phoebe know.
Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Rachel: I called them. And when they ask me what I saw ... I can be very generous ... or very stingy.
Chandler: Go on.
Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
Chandler: And Milton Berle has-
Rachel: Oh. Not compared to you.

Quote from Phoebe Buffay in Friends episode The One Where Old Yeller Dies

Phoebe: Thanks for the great movie tip.
Monica: Did you like it?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. I don't know if I was happier when George Bailey destroyed the business or Donna Reed cried or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.
Monica: All right, I'll give you the ear thing, but didn't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?
Phoebe: I didn't watch the ending. I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse. It should've been called: "It's a Sucky Life, And Just When You Think It Can't Suck Anymore, It Does!"

Quote from Ryan Howard in The Office episode Michael's Last Dundies

Michael Scott: FYI, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Kevin: Nice.
Phyllis: I love their bread sticks.
Pam: Oh, their bread sticks are like crack.
Ryan: I love when people say "like crack" when they've obviously never done crack.
Pam: Well, the bread sticks are like what then, Ryan? What can I use?
Ryan: I don't know. Something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
Pam: You're right, you're right. No, I'm a middle class fraud.

Quote from Cosmo Kramer in Seinfeld episode The Deal

Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?
Kramer: Yeah. Open it.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!
Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?
Jerry: Great.
Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.
Jerry: Well, goody for you.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open.
Kramer: So what'd you get her?
Jerry: 182 bucks.
Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.
Elaine: "Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend."
Kramer: Yeats.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. [hugs Kramer]

Quote from Rachel Green in Friends episode The One with the Videotape

Rachel: Okay, in about 10 seconds, you're going to see him kiss me.
Ross: And in about 5 seconds, you're going to see why.
[on the videotape:]
Rachel: Ross, did I ever tell you about the time I went backpacking through Western Europe?
[present:]
Rachel: Okay. Get ready to see some begging.
Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!
Rachel: What?
Ross: Now I'm so happy.
Rachel: What are you talking about?
Monica: You used the Europe story.
Chandler: That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode The Fire

Michael Scott: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. Yeah?
Ryan: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Adapt. React. Readapt. Apt. All right? That's rule number two.

Quote from Ray Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond episode The Breakup Tape

Debra: Hey, where you been? What's all this stuff?
Ray: I bought some things. I thought it was time to get some new, better things.
Debra: What did you get?
Ray: What did I get? I got some great stuff. I got a cooler, a lamp, a picture frame and a pepper mill that has been "chef recommended."
[Ray places the large pepper mill down next to a much smaller pepper mill]
Ray: Some new, better things. Oh, and I almost forgot "Debra's Ears." [reads poem] "One on each side, Like a dainty cup, So gently they hold thine sunglasses up. So round and nice, with a subtle ridge, There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."

Quote from Joey Tribbiani in Friends episode The One with the Birthing Video

Phoebe: Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: Do you want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back. And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Okay.

Quote from Phoebe Buffay in Friends episode The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey

Phoebe: I brought you some housewarming gifts. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Bread, so you never go hungry. And a scented candle for the bathroom. Because, well, you know.