Coach Nick: Yo! Coach Rick!
Coach Mellor: Coach Nick.
Coach Nick: We need to powwow. Take a knee.
Coach Mellor: This is my gym. You take a knee.
Coach Nick: Can't, I said "Take a knee" first, so, according to the laws of coaching, you got to take it.
Alexis: Excuse me, this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm single. The singles market is very lucrative. Did you know, that there's a small town in Ireland that hosts a singles week every year, and it's become so popular, that they're able to subsidize their entirely yearly budget, just on profits?
Moira: It's a valiant first effort, Alexis, it is. But darling, do keep those wheels turning! As the Irish like to say, [Irish accent] it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.
Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional Rose. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?
Quote from Rachel Green in Friends episode The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding (Part 2)
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes and that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again...
Monica: The days and nights are hard, I get it. Look, Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to start getting ready. I'm getting married today.
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.
Michael Scott: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael Scott: No. No, that is not funny. I love my employees. Even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh, good, so we don't have to work.
Pam: We're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.
Michael Scott: So, like, a freedom tree.
Pam: I can take 3 people.
Jim: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly workers can go at lunch.
Michael Scott: Okay, good, good. So we'll just all go down there together at lunch. Excellent.
Pam: I was thinking-
Michael Scott: Good work, Pam.
Pam: But if you-
Michael Scott: Yaay, Pam!
Murray: Thanks for sitting down with me, Rick.
Coach Mellor: Anything for my protege's old man. In a way, it's like we're married.
Murray: Yeah, that's gonna make this easier. Uh, thing is, Barry's not gonna be a gym teacher.
Coach Mellor: What's that now?
Murray: I think that Woody Allen said it best. [Imitating Woody Allen] "Those that can't do, teach.
And those that can't teach, teach gym."
Coach Mellor: How dare you. You call that a Woody Allen impression? [Imitating Woody Allen] This is a Woody Allen impression.
Murray: That's exactly what I'm doing.
Coach Mellor: You got to stammer like, like this. Use your hands more.
Ben: I was actually coming to see you. I wanted your advice on something.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah?
Ben: My boss in Indianapolis... He wants me back on the road in a week. But then this morning Chris offered me a job to stay here in Pawnee and work for him.
Leslie Knope: Do you want to do that?
Ben: Well, I don't know. I've been moving around so much the past few years, it might be nice to stay in one place for a while. What do you think?
Leslie Knope: Well, this is a great city. You know, it's definitely the best city in Indiana, probably America, possibly the world.
Leslie Knope: But on the other hand, you've put in 12 years with the state government.
Ben: So you think I should say no to Chris and head back to Indianapolis or...?
Leslie Knope: It's a tough call. You know what I would do? You should make a pros and cons list. That always works for me.
Ben: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, maybe I'll do that.
Leslie Knope: Excellent. Nice talking to you.
Ben: Good stuff.
Herb Ertlinger: Now, it's fruit wine, which is exciting in itself. But the thing we're most proud of is that our fruit is 100% insecticide free.
Moira: Mm! [drinking] Mm! Mm. There's something in mine.
Herb Ertlinger: Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones. Excuse me. [answering phone] Herb Ertlinger...
Moira: No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth.
Alexis: Thank you so much for taking me out, David. I really needed it. Especially after everything that's going on with Mom.
David: Okay, is that the reason, or is it because I'm on a buying trip, and that means you get free samples?
Alexis: We make a very good team, David. You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise. And speaking of, we might have to circle back and get more of these peanut butter things from those old farm witches.
David: They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down, we're about to spend the afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.
Alexis: Hmm. Nom nom for us, David.
David: Never say nom nom again.
Roland: Hey, who turned off Don Ho?
Johnny: Moira, what's going on in there?
Moira: Oh! It's my hands, John. It's the water. It's freezing cold.
Johnny: Well, then move your hands.
Moira: How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?
Johnny: Well, Moira, you've got the cold tap on. You've gotta balance it with the hot.
Moira: [shuts water off] Oh. Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John, and it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.
Johnny: Okay, Moira.
Moira: Excuse me while I try to pass through. Oh, John, these door frames. It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle.
Johnny: I think, uh, the point's been made, Moira.
Dwight K. Schrute: You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...
Michael Scott: [sighs] Feels good.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
Michael Scott: I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
Dwight K. Schrute: The blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.
Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.
Johnny: So, here's the important thing. I believe this town could be the perfect spot for your next franchise.
Amy Grace: Here's the issue, Mr. Rose, I've been touring small towns, in an extensive market research trip. And unfortunately, what we're discovering is that most "rural" communities just don't have the same interest in health. Or wellness. Or what we like to call, "Screamnastic inner/outer beauty connectivity."
Johnny: Well, I know a lot of people here who are very connected to their inner and outer beauty. And even more who could use some of that "Screamnastic" connect... tivity.
Amy Grace: I love your enthusiasm, Mr. Rose. It's very "Screamnastic."
Johnny: Well, this town is very "Screamnastic," Amy Grace.
Amy Grace: Why don't we circle back in I don't know, six months, and see how things are going then?
Johnny: Yes, sure, sure, sure. We can do that. Tell you what, why not make it three months? Let's circle back in three months, and that way we might be able to open a "Screamnasium" by Christmas.
Amy Grace: Oh, we don't call them that.
Coach Mellor: Hustle, hustle! Build that muscle! Let's go! I'm lookin' at you, Goldfarb.
Ted: Listen. I don't want to apply any pressure to the whole marriage thing, but-
Alexis: Thank you, Ted, 'cause it's so hard to focus on something like that right now.
Ted: And I totally understand that. It's just you had said that you wanted to get married if you weren't leaving town, and you didn't leave town, so...
Alexis: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And I totally get that. Technically though, someone did leave, and so the dust just hasn't really settled on the whole us leaving thing. Yet.
Alexis: But obviously I want to be with you! I'm just so scared.
Ted: What, about David, or about being with-
Alexis: Yeah, that.
Moira: Stevie! Either a flock of poultry has delivered its ova mid-flight upon our car, or I've become the victim of a vandalization!
Stevie: Oh wow. Um... you sure it's for you, Mrs. Rose? Because that's a family car, and I can think of a handful of people who'd wanna egg David.
Moira: You're sweet, dear, but I know of what I speak. Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity, and thus will never have to know the crippling fear that accompanies global repute.
Stevie: Yeah, I can't imagine.
Moira: After my first centerfold with Soap Opera Digest, a deranged fan deposited locks of hair into my glove compartment. And now my return to prominence has painted another giant bulls-eye on my thorax!
Stevie: Um, I could give you this bucket of soap.
Moira: No! You never tamper with a crime scene. I'll have to go to council. Get in please, Stevie. As of now, you are my star witness. And sit low, no point endangering both our lives.
Moira: Exactly, David. You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!
David: Okay, that's a bit much.
Moira: I blame myself. I've set a standard of activity and engagement so high you don't even try.
David: Okay, I am on a much needed respite whilst in between jobs.
Moira: You are squandering your social capital. A taste-maker like you should be out there, tasting things!
David: Uh, I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!
David: Well, I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Moira: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: Okay, well, that's a lot.
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back...
David: Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
Moira: You can plunge it into my heart!
David: Okay, all right.
Moira: Plunge it into my heart!
Michael Scott: Starting today, teasing will not be allowed.
Kelly: You mean there's no teasing of any kind.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Just things that are on the list. That is the beauty of it. Okay. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't want people making fun of my nose.
Michael Scott: Your nose?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's too small.