Trending Quotes
Quote from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother episode Twelve Horny Women
Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.
Quote from Jay Pritchett in Modern Family episode Express Yourself
Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!
Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Launch Party
Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.
Quote from Nick Miller in New Girl episode Rumspringa
Nick: Don't yell at us 'cause you guys are freaking out about your new jobs. I am not freaking out.
Jess: I have been preparing for this job ever since I was young enough to believe [chuckles] leprechauns were real.
Nick: Leprechauns are real.
Winston: Yeah, I caught one.
Nick: He caught one.
Schmidt: We're not having the freaking leprechaun debate right now; we'll be here for hours.
Nick: Leprechauns are real.
Quote from Phil Dunphy in Modern Family episode The Day We Almost Died
Phil: I just stopped by to give you guys a little care package to show you there's no hard feelings.
Gil Thorpe: Class act, dung beetle.
Phil: Here's the malpractice attorney most of his clients have used after he's ripped them off. You will be losing some sleep, but these have always helped my wife. And this priest is retired, but I think he still does exorcisms, which you'll need after today.
Sam: Listen, Phil.
Gil Thorpe: It's okay. It's sad, really, to see a once-mediocre realtor reduced to this.
Phil: Gil, please, let's keep this civil. Oh, by the way, if you ever speak disrespectfully again about my wife, I'll kill you. Sorry. That sounded like a joke. I will actually kill you. Anyhoo, when you guys wake up and smell the sulfur, here's a list of other realtors, and if you need me, I'll be in the office at 9:00... Uh, 10:00. I have the dentist.
Quote from Nellie Bertram in The Office episode Search Committee
Nellie: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls.
Toby: But there aren't...
Nellie: Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title.
Gabe: A little unspecific.
Nellie: Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.
Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
Nellie: Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them.
Jim: That's crazy.
Nellie: At least once a month, the lowest performing person... bye-bye!
Gabe: How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR?
Nellie: Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how.
Gabe: Okay.
Nellie: By splitting the difference. Just... Just, somewhere in the middle.
Jim: I think that's probably all we need to hear from....
Nellie: Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor.
Jim: That's very...
Nellie: You've got a Thai woman, out the back. Sockee! Sockee!
Gabe: Okay, that's not gonna be...
Nellie: Sockee!... is her name. Okay? She's administering massage, alright, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you... You are cracking to go.
Quote from Hal in Malcolm in the Middle episode Rollerskates
Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.
Quote from Darryl Philbin in The Office episode Search Committee
Jo: Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Oh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... A little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?
Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced.
Jo: "Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory." 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?
Darryl: Paper material, ma'am.
Jo: Paper material?
Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper.
Quote from Jan Levinson in The Office episode The Deposition
Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: "I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr. Scott?
Quote from Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle episode Hal's Dentist
Malcolm: Hey, what's all the noise? You know the rule. The only sound allowed in this room is snoring.
Dewey: I've been waiting ten years to see Conrad Horner perform, and I overslept and completely missed it.
Malcolm: So? He'll come back in a few years.
Dewey: He's 98. I got there in time to get a program off the floor and see his ambulance drive away.
Quote from Nick Miller in New Girl episode Christmas Eve Eve
Nick: Oh, I got to get back to work. I told the entire staff they can have three days off 'cause Christmas is usually dead at the bar. So, it's just gonna be me and the receipts.
Schmidt: You haven't done those yet? Nick, our accountant needs them today.
Nick: I know. It's the do date, So, I'm going to do them today.
Schmidt: D-U-E, Nicholas.
Nick: D-O-I-N-G-I-N-G. Doing. The doing date. And if you think about it, D-O-I-N-G shouldn't be doing. It should be freaking "doyng." [puts on sunglasses]
Winston: [laughing] Nick, you got 'em?!
Cece: You look like you should be paying child support in Florida.
Quote from Robert California in The Office episode Get the Girl
Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- This isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim: Was that not the-
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim: Mmm-hm.
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.
Quote from Chandler Bing in Friends episode The One Where They're Going to Party
Ross: How sad are we?
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: You know what? We're not sad. We're not sad. We're just not 21 anymore. You know? I'm 29 years old, damn it! I want to sit in a comfortable chair, watch TV and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Quote from Winston Bishop in New Girl episode Clean Break
Winston: [on the phone] Hey, yo, Ceec, what up, fam? It's your girl Winston, aka Winnie the Bish, aka-aka-aka Brown Lightning. Schmidt dropped Fawn like a bad habit, okay, so ain't nobody riding shotgun. So you better get on while the getting is good. You got it? [ends call, tosses Jess's phone]
Jess: I hate that you're so good at this.
Winston: I was so nervous.
Quote from Dr. Perry Cox in Scrubs episode My Lucky Night
J.D.: Uh, listen, while I have you here. I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that, when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian." I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
Dr. Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiessen! Let me go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One, if someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two, I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring Back the Porn!" Three, and most importantly of all, the only way to be respected as a doctor - nay, respected as a man - is to be an island. You are born alone, you damn sure die alone. Isn't that right, Spike? The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.
J.D.: I should get that tattooed on my neck.
Quote from Robert Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond episode Snow Day
Ray: Robert's weird. He doesn't like to go out to eat because he has a fear of busboys. He can't carry his dollar bills facing each other because it would be like they're kissing.
Debra: That's just quirky.
Ray: Yeah? Quirky? He separates his Good 'n Plenties into "goods" and "plenties." Which one is which again?
Robert: Never mind.
Ray: No, no, go ahead. Go ahead.
Robert: The pinks are the "goods," and the whites are the "plenties." 'Cause there's always more of them. And they're not as good. And then there's a third category of "irregulars."
Ray: And they're called...
Robert: "Cuties."
Ray: I rest my case.
Quote from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother episode Lucky Penny
Barney: Training for a marathon. [scoffs]
Marshall: What?
Barney: You don't need to train for a marathon. You just run it.
Lily: You're kidding, right?
Barney: Not at all. I could run a marathon anytime I wanted to.
Marshall: So like tomorrow, you think you could wake up, roll out of bed, and just run the New York City Marathon?
Barney: Absolutely.
Robin: Barney, we're talking about 42 kilometers.
Ted: Thanks, Canada. I'll take it from here. Barney, it's like 26 miles.
Barney: Here's how you run a marathon. Step one, you start running. There is no step two.
Quote from David Rose in Schitt's Creek episode Moira vs. Town Council
Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?
David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
Johnny: That's a write off?
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Do you even know what a write off is?!
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh, and who pays for it?
David: Nobody, you write it off.
Johnny: Who writes it off?!
David: I don't know, the govern- The "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?
Quote from Michael Scott in The Office episode Gossip
Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.
Quote from Ross Geller in Friends episode The One with the Soap Opera Party
Professor Spafford: And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a seafood buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams and mussels and oysters and cracked crab and snow crab and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: So where did you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Ross: Oh, it's not over.
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts and cashews and almonds and filberts-
Ross: So basically all nuts.
Professor Spafford: Interestingly, no.
Charlie: You're kind of playing it fast and loose with the word "interesting."
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom.
Charlie: Oh, my God.
Ross: I've lost the will to live.