TV Quotes

Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

Stevie: I am a single woman driving way out of town to meet a guy I don't know very well!
David: Well...
Stevie: Once he shows up I'm sure you can still go to the botanical gardens.
David: I'm not going to the botanical gardens by myself. What, am I gonna walk around, and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert? So if you're gonna meet this guy there, then where am I staying? I don't do couches!
Stevie: I got you a separate room.
David: A separate room, okay. So this has all been premeditated, then. You know what, I hope, for your sake, that they have cherry blossoms in prison.

Meredith: Pam failed art school.
Dwight K. Schrute: Huh. Wow. Doesn't surprise me.
Jim: Excuse me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.
Phyllis: Dwight, stop it.
Stanley: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Are there two suns?
Meredith: Come on.
Stanley: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.
Jim: I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's totally unrealistic. No lines in the parking lot.

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Ross: How sad are we?
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: You know what? We're not sad. We're not sad. We're just not 21 anymore. You know? I'm 29 years old, damn it! I want to sit in a comfortable chair, watch TV and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.

David Puddy: Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait, that's another ten kroner. A "femti" kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
David Puddy: What?
Elaine: I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is. And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!
David Puddy: Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway?
Elaine: Okay, all right listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through!
David Puddy: Fine!
Elaine: Fine!
Cab Driver: Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.

Blanche: I want to talk to you, Dorothy. Listen, I know this isn't easy for you, so I'm gonna let you in on a sorority secret that was passed on to me at Miss MacGyver's Finishing School. Now, whenever you feel you're about to lose control, just take my hand and give it a little squeeze. I guarantee you'll feel 100% better.
Dorothy: And that's the big secret?
Blanche: Oh, no! The big secret was that Miss MacGyver and Miss McKinney were sharing a one-bedroom apartment off campus.
Dorothy: Oh, will you..!

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Phoebe: I just had the worst anniversary ever.
Chandler: I doubt that. Tell her about us last year.
Monica: Well, I bought Chandler a $500 watch, and he wrote me a rap song.
Ross: Seriously?
Chandler: Word.

Phoebe: I brought you some housewarming gifts. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Bread, so you never go hungry. And a scented candle for the bathroom. Because, well, you know.

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

David: Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.
Moira: David! How was I to know that Ted would be such a trigger, all these years later?
David: A year later, and she is, like, right back in it. So you might wanna pay a little more attention to your daughter's life, if only to alleviate the weight of me having to deal with it, every day.
Moira: Oh. I did call that other woman charming, didn't I?
David: Striking, I believe was the word you used to describe Ted's new girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.
Moira: Well to my credit, she was.

Winston: [on the phone] Hey, yo, Ceec, what up, fam? It's your girl Winston, aka Winnie the Bish, aka-ak-aka Brown Lightning. Schmidt dropped Fawn like a bad habit, okay, so ain't nobody riding shotgun. So you better get on while the getting is good. You got it? [ends call, tosses Jess's phone]
Jess: I hate that you're so good at this.
Winston: I was so nervous.

Rachel: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?
Joey: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Which one?
Joey: Well, it's one of her favorites. "Riding the Storm Out: Coping With Postpartum Depression." Eeesh. "Love You Forever". Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly Books. Printed in Mexico. Ahem.
A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang, 'I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.'...
And while he rocked her, he sang: 'I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.'
Rachel: Oh, wow! That was amazing.
Ross: Thank you so much for that gift.
Chandler: I was not ready for this today.
Ross: Amazing. Amazing.

Schmidt: Great, we're in agreement. Now just sign here, and we'll give you a key.
Nick: Give her a key? [scoffs] I'm a little confused. Is that really necessary? It's like giving a squirrel a key to the park. The park is always open, and the squirrel is there with rabbit, and squirrel and rabbit are there all the time. So does squirrel need key?
Schmidt: What is happening? You're dropping all your articles.
Nick: I not!
Schmidt: Now you're losing verbs!
Winston: So, are the squirrel and the rabbit... they're friends?

Dorothy: Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma? I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?
Sophia: Not the pony thing again.
Dorothy: She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus. The kind you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.
Rose: And that was your pet?
Sophia: They're very clean.
Dorothy: Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie? So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.
Rose: How does a paper bird die?
Dorothy: Good question. Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Michael Scott: Hold it, hold it. Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same?
Danny: Get out of my way.
Michael Scott: Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?
Danny: I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now.
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Danny: I'm very upset!
Michael Scott: Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?
Danny: More freedom.
Michael Scott: I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. As you already know, Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?