Emily: I just wanna know what you were thinking. What was the reasoning? How on earth did you justify it to yourself?
Lorelai: Max is a great guy. An amazing guy. He's smart. He's sweet. He cooks.
Emily: So you decided to kiss him in your daughter's school.
Lorelai: No, I decided to break up with him in my daughter's school and the kissing part just happened.
Emily: You always let your emotions get in the way. That's the problem with you, Lorelai. You don't think.
Lorelai: Mom, please.
Emily: He's just a man, Lorelai.
Lorelai: No, he's not.
Emily: Oh, so, what are you telling me? This was all worth it because he was the love of your life? That this was the man for you?
Lorelai: I don't know. He might have been. Excuse me.

Ron: Well, what do you got here? You know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
Newman: They follow him like a cult.
Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America.
Ron: Look, that's his problem, all right? Now you don't like it, too bad.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] I don't like it.
Newman: I don't like it.
Ron: Well, then get the hell out of my store, all right? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] All right, we'll be back, jack.
Newman: All right, we'll be back, jack!

Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.

Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Dwight K. Schrute: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah. Greta the tittle-tattle prattled on about the little metal bottle. She spat a bit of spittle on the moth that bit the cattle in a bitter battle. Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, okay? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
Jim: No, you chose yourself.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tricky Siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: "I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr. Scott?

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Rose: Wait a minute. If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says "Bed" on the cover?
Blanche: [laughs] Oh, that doesn't say "Bed".
Rose: Right there, it does.
Blanche: Oh, silly, those are my initials. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell "Bed"?

Gerry: Thought I was going to drop dead there at one point.
Joe: Aye, if only.

Nick: Oh, I got to get back to work. I told the entire staff they can have three days off 'cause Christmas is usually dead at the bar. So, it's just gonna be me and the receipts.
Schmidt: You haven't done those yet? Nick, our accountant needs them today.
Nick: I know. It's the do date, So, I'm going to do them today.
Schmidt: D-U-E, Nicholas.
Nick: D-O-I-N-G-I-N-G. Doing. The doing date. And if you think about it, D-O-I-N-G shouldn't be doing. It should be freaking "doyng." [puts on sunglasses]
Winston: [laughing] Nick, you got 'em?!
Cece: You look like you should be paying child support in Florida.

Darryl: "I got too much ice cream. You want some?" "Gettin' my fry on."
Kelly: Boring.
Darryl: Uh, "The moon is huge tonight."
Phyllis: Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.
Darryl: That's regular text talk.
Brandon: You forgot one.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend."
Brandon: With the dots.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot."
Kelly: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means "to be continued", four dots is a typo, but five dots means "Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot."

Alex: "The Unwitting Miss Castle." What's that about?
Claire: It's about three persecuted women in different time periods, or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck. I don't know which.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Somehow, I was able to join a very exclusive book club filled with the most intelligent women. I can never seem to impress them. They use words like "sanguine." I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too. Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard?
Alex: You're not using it right.

Michael Scott: [clinking glass] Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. [as Jerry Seinfeld] Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? [as nerd] "I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car." That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... Everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

Michael Scott: Everybody in here, stat. No time to lose. Cri-man squa, F and C, double-time.
Dwight K. Schrute: "Cri-man squa"?
Michael Scott: Crisis management squad.
Ryan: "F and C, double-time"?
Michael Scott: Front and center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael Scott: To save time, Jim.
Karen: Actually, I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it-

Diane: How long have you wanted to do that?
Sam: Do what?
Diane: Kiss me. How long have you denied that burning desire?
Sam: It just came to me. It was an impulse.
Diane: Good, cos if you've been thinking about anything between us, it's out of the question.
Sam: No, no, I haven't.
Diane: Good.
Sam: Listen, Diane. Thank you. I will put the past behind me, and tomorrow I'll feel better. But tonight I'm gonna feel bad. OK?
Diane: Yeah, OK.

Mitchell: Oh, Pepper. Pepper. Do you have any idea why-
Pepper: Oh, sorry. I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar to restock something called fixin's. [voice breaking] If you ever felt anything for me, you'll push me out a window.

Joey: Well, it's good you got out, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.
Ross: The volcano?
Joey: And speaking of volcanoes, man, are they a violent igneous rock formation.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Yeah. Lava spewing, hot ash. Of course, some are dormant.
Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden?
Joey: We can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The vas deferens? The Vietnam War?
Monica: Oh. Did anyone see that documentary on the Korean War?
Phoebe: Oh, God. Korea's a beautiful country.
Ross: With such a sad history.
Chandler: Could there be more Kims?
[Joey laughs at Chandler's joke, looks disappointed]

Diane: Didn't you ever have a dream, Norman?
Norm: No.
Diane: Not at all?
Norm: Nope.
Diane: You never wanted something that was out of reach?
Norm: Well, uh... Beer nuts.
Diane: Norman, I'm serious.
Norm: So am l. Could you just... Yeah.
Diane: Everyone has dreams, Norman.
Norm: Everyone except me. I learned early in life not to have 'em. Yeah! I figure they're useless. They don't come true anyway.
Diane: Norman.
Norm: Yeah, life's tough enough without getting yourself all worked up over something that's not gonna happen. Mm-mm. Dreams, they just give you heartache.

Uncle Leo: Look at this. I told them medium rare. It's medium.
Jerry: Hey, it happens.
Uncle Leo: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite!
Jerry: He didn't see you. He has no idea who you are.
Uncle Leo: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.
Jerry: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goebbels made your hamburger is...

Phil: I just stopped by to give you guys a little care package to show you there's no hard feelings.
Gil Thorpe: Class act, dung beetle.
Phil: Here's the malpractice attorney most of his clients have used after he's ripped them off. You will be losing some sleep, but these have always helped my wife. And this priest is retired, but I think he still does exorcisms, which you'll need after today.
Sam: Listen, Phil.
Gil Thorpe: It's okay. It's sad, really, to see a once-mediocre realtor reduced to this.
Phil: Gil, please, let's keep this civil. Oh, by the way, if you ever speak disrespectfully again about my wife, I'll kill you. Sorry. That sounded like a joke. I will actually kill you. Anyhoo, when you guys wake up and smell the sulfur, here's a list of other realtors, and if you need me, I'll be in the office at 9:00... Uh, 10:00. I have the dentist.